EARTH-SHATTERING BREAKING NEWS: ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FOUND!!!!

ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FINALLY UNCOVERED:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Ancient Breaking News:

Domestic Violence Outbreak

Again Strikes The Lehi Family Household

Man Who Built Animal-filled Boat

Confesses To Floodings

Wife of Little Man Stuck in Whale's Mouth

Claims This Was Just Another Fish Story

Moses Finally Admits:

He Only Meant to Move The Red Sea

Over a Few Inches

Daniel Offers Suggestions

on Lion’s Den Etiquette

Goliath Claims David Stalked Him

Days Prior to Stoning

Cain Slays Abel Only Days After

Trying to Settle Sibling Dispute

on Jerry Springer Show

Dave Blackwell Votes Joseph Worst-Dressed,

Says Coat Is a Definite Stylish No-No

John the Revelator Claims To Have Found

the Fountain of Youth

Sarah Confesses to Being

The Original Old Lady Who Lived In a Shoe

WORLDWIDE BREAKING NEWS: THE TEN MAIN REASONS WHY WE CAME TO EARTH

THE TEN MAIN REASONS WHY

WE CAME TO EARTH ARE:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. To get a body.

2. To receive ordinances.

3. To be tested.

4. To see if you can be strong enough

to never purchase anything advertised on an infomercial.

5. To work hard to learn algebra

and then never use it.

6. To sing, "The Happy Birthday Song,"

too many times per year,

year after year after year.

7. To taste liver once per decade

and then question,

again,

why anyone would ever want to eat it.

8. To buy lots and lots of Girl Scout cookies.

9. Out of all of the birds in the sky,

to see if one will eventually send you

a “dropping.”

10. To spend a total of three days of your life

being placed "on hold."

ENTERTAINING BREAKING NEWS: IF THE PIONEERS HAD TELEVISION

IF THE PIONEERS HAD TELEVISION,
THESE SHOWS WOULD BE THE BIGGEST HITS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Desperate Pioneers
Pioneer Idols
F-S-I: Farm Scene Investigation
Pioneer's Anatomy
60 Moments
What’s My Clothes Line?
This Old Cabin
Everybody Loves Pioneers
Pioneer Apprentice
Extreme Makeover: Cabin Edition
Who Wants to be a Pioneer?
Saw & Odor
Good Morning Pioneers

POPULAR BREAKING NEWS: THE LATEST IN LDS PIONEER FADS

THE LATEST IN LDS PIONEER FADS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Pioneer Reality Show:

Peek in this cabin and watch a show that is very much live and very much too real. In fact this show is so real that the people in this cabin really are praying to survive. See the real family roll out of their bedrolls into authentic freezing morning air as the sunrises, hunt meat for meals, work on the farm all day and experience the ins and outs of every pioneer mood. See who gets kicked out, who stays and who will survive.

Pioneer iPods
Enjoy this pioneer family that will come to your farmhouse or campfire and switch from singing one song to another at a moments notice any time anywhere. No more waiting for what song to sing next, this family is intantly ready to sing all of your individual or family favorites!

Pimp My Wagon
Designer wagons are all the craze and no one’s wagon is more bling bling than the one that just busted through town all hyped up and filled with them leather fixin’s and fancy rolled up shades to provide the finest in air conditionin’. Yee-ha, this ride will really impress your lassie!

Fantasy Buzz Saw Toy Leagues:
Every dedicated Buzz Saw Toy fan must take part in this new craze. Pick your favorite: Will brother beat Grandfather as they twill the string with the button in the middle tightly and make that baby twirl? Or will it be neighbor against Sheriff? Vote for your favorite player now and see which seed gets eliminated first as this game completely takes over your town.

Low Rise Bloomers or Britches:
Um, like, wow, man, these bloomers or britches ride so low on your hips that they appear ready to fall off.

Flags on Wagons:
Is your cause horse cruelty, more corn or less wagon traffic? Whatever the case, wave the flag of your choice from the front, side or back of the wagon and let your town know what is currently the bee in your bonnet.

Low Honey Diets
Farm study after farm study suggests honey has been determined to be too gooey, too sticky and virtually distasteful, and may even be harmful to your health. Join the craze to eat less honey and experience the benefits of a physically and mentally healthier you.

HISTORICAL BREAKING NEWS: EVERYTHING I LEARNED ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED WHILE DOING GENEALOGY

EVERYTHING I LEARNED
ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED
WHILE DOING MY GENEAOLOGY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1. Dead people are a lot harder to find than living people.

2. Reading old documents for hours on end with no results can make a person go crazy.

3. There is no such thing as a cute ancestor.

4. Most living relatives are no help at all when it comes to finding lost ancestors.

5. People who do not do their genealogy believe there’s something wrong with people who do their genealogy.

6. People who do their genealogy think there’s something wrong with people who do not do their genealogy

7. It can be very upsetting to work for years to find a lost ancestor only to find their name listed on the roll of an insane asylum.

8. The longer a person is dead, the harder it is to find that person.

9. It’s not easy to find out your great great grandparents were first cousins.

10. Upon discovering a photograph of a lost ancestor, the thought can be quite disturbing that your looks might come from that same gene pool.

BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS BOYS AND GIRLS NAMES FINALLY UNCOVERED

JuSt In:

MoSt PoPuLaR LDs BoY’s NaMeS:

1 - UtAhViNsKy
2 - eLdErVeRL
3 - ScOuToNaThAn
4 - StRiPLiNGiToN
5 - BYUaNdY 0r UofUdoo


MoSt PoPuLaR LDs GiRl’s NaMeS:

1 - CeLeStiALaNniE
2 - Jell-OlynnN
3 - ChOcOLativineSs
4 - KaRiCoKeLyNn
5 - ScRaPbOoKaNeLia

SCARY BREAKING NEWS: RESEARCH FINALLY IN FOR THE MOST POPULAR LDS PHOBIAS!!!!

THE MOST POPULAR LDS PHOBIAS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


WordofWisdomaphobia: Fear that after all the tests you've passed here on Earth that drinking caffeine really will keep you out of the Celestial Kingdom.

BadEarthquakeTimingaphobia: Fear of having an earthquake happen while watching an “R” rated movie and having your picture appear on the front page of the newspaper while rescuers attempt to save you from the R-rated theater movie seat you’re sitting in.

Nurseryaphobia: Fear of being called as the next Ward Nursery leader or the fear of never ever being released as the current Ward Nursery leader.

Idahoaphobia: Fear of running out of gas while on your way to Idaho to buy a lottery ticket and being picked up by a fellow member of your Ward.

Scoutmasteraphobia: Fear of being called as the next Ward Scoutmaster or the fear that you are currently serving as the Ward Scoutmaster or the fear of never being released as the Ward Scoutmaster or all of the above.

GroceryStoreaphobia: Fear of having one of your most conservative but nosiest Ward members witness you buying cooking sherry.

Missionaryaphobia: Fear that one of your nonmember friends will find out that you really did arrange for the missionaries to contact them.

HavingAllOfYourSinsBeMadeKnown
InTheNextLifeaphobia: Fear of what it will feel like to have a full, complete and clear recollection of everyone of your sins down to the pencils you've stolen, the people you cut off on the freeway, the telemarkets you hung up on...every single painful one of them!

LastDays/SignsOfTheTimesExpertaphobia: Fear of those who claim they know when the last day on Earth will be here. Note: Authorities in the field of LastDays/SignsOfTheTimesExpertahopia claim this is a very good phobia to have.

FastSundayaphobia: Fear that not allowing enough food intact will cause you to suddenly die. Note: This phobia always leads to ObssessiveCompulsiveBinging disease.

First Day After The End of the World Breaking News:10 Most Common LDS Parent-isms

10 Most Common LDS Parent-isms
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


If you think your life is hard, you should have been a pioneer!

Do you want everyone to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but you?

Is that Mountain Dew you’re drinking? This could lead you to a life of drugs, you know. Is this the kind of life you want to lead? Huh? A life of drugs?

I’m yelling at you because I care about you and I want you to go home to Heaven.

Be nice to your sister. You’re gonna have to spend forever with her, you know.

Do you wanna get an “F” when this Earthly test is over?

Why can't you count your blessings instead of being so miserable all of the time?

You are a child of God, now act like one.

Why can’t you ever wait? Job had to be patient. Why can’t you?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with Satan ‘cause that’s exactly what’s going to happen to you if you don’t quit acting this way!

Archaeological Breaking News: ANCIENT LDS PROVERBS UNCOVERED

ANCIENT LDS PROVERBS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

He who blurts out the loudest Amen, gets the biggest stares.

‘Tis better to hide your talents than to be called as the next Scoutmaster.

Let sleeping High Councilmen lie.

Give a casserole, never receive the casserole dish back.

It takes a lot of energy to do genealogy. Ancestors were not all born in a day.

A LDS mother's SUV is her castle

When it comes to being asked to be the next Den leader, dishonesty is the best policy.

Scouts should be seen and not heard.

If a basketball player offends once, shame on him; if he offends twice, take him down and slam him.

He who is a home teacher should never expect his home teaching to be done.

Relief Society sisters could not be everything, that's why they invented Prozac.

Twas Breaking News: 'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CONFERENCE

'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CONFERENCE!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
(Dedicated to K and R)

'Twas the day after Conference and all through the church,
every member was pondering heavy words of soul search;
I’m sure each house still reflected the party held there,
As people ate and slept while listening to Conference with care;

No longer was everyone all nestled around,
With visions of Heaven bouncing up and down;
Now Ma was in her workout suit, and I in my cap,
were wondering what to do next with our "updated map"

On how to get to Heaven amidst all this clatter,
with everyone thinking that something’s the matter.
It’s not time to bicker about this, that or bash,
but time to buckle down and step up our dash.

But then, later, amidst all of these things that I know,
about setting goals and committing to Heaven to go,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a tiny little ad for Wendover so near,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, we could go there and pick
just a few winning numbers on a table or slot,
So, without thought I called all of my fellow buddies lot;

"Now, Bud! now, Tim! now, Ed and John!
Come on, Rick! and Steve! and Bill and Don!
To the front of bus! And to the back of the bus!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away us!"

With dry sand along I-80, the bus it did fly,
Every obstacle we met, we quickly passed by,
And, before we knew it, out to the casino we flew,
With our wallets of money, diet Coke and chips too.

And then, in a twinkling, we heard at the door
The prancing and pawing of our companions galore.
Quickly, we drew in our card-filled hands, then 'round,
In the door they all came with a major PMS bound.

They weren’t dressed in fur, from their heads to their feet,
Oh no, they were all tarnished with an attitude complete!
A bundle of ideas they now had on their mind,
As they looked at us all with looks very unkind.

Their eyes did not twinkle! Their dimples were not merry!
Their cheeks were like roses, their nostrils flaring like cherry!
Their seething little mouths were turned down like a crow,
And the scowls on their faces... they really did show!

The flecks from some chocolate were still stuck in their teeth,
And the smell from it all encircled our heads like a wreath;
Their broad little faces and little round bellies,
Did not shake at all and we said, “Oh nellies!!!”

Some of them were chubby and plump, some were thin of self,
But we did not laugh when we saw them…because of our self;
The glare in their eyes and the twist of each head,
Soon told us to know we had big things to dread;

We spoke not a word, but went straight to our work,
Laying down our cards; we all turned with a jerk.
We picked up our money as we sheepishly rose,
Gave the dealer a nod, and out the door now we chose;

We sprang to the cars, to our team, gave no whistle,
But flew out of town like the down of a thistle.
But, we heard each wife exclaim, 'ere we drove out of sight,”
WILL THESE MEN EVER, EVER LEARN TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT?"

NEWLY DISCOVERED BREAKING NEWS: DON'T MISS THIS: OTHER SIGNS OF THE LAST DAYS DISCOVERED BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!!
“OTHER” SIGNS OF THE TIMES!!!
FINALLY UNCOVERED!!!!

1. The CTR ring will be changed from the CTR ring to the CTPCTTDBIYDTACLUWCAY ring (or, in other words, the Choose The Politically Correct Thing To Do Or The A.C.L.U. Will Come After You ring).

2. Rivers, lakes and streams will flow with rich milk chocolate, but it will be totally nonconsumable because of contamination from totally radio-active hazardous waste material.

3. BYU will be renamed The U. of U. and The U. of U. will renamed BYU.

4. A ninth verse will be added to “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief.”

5. The fiftieth volume of The Work and the Glory will be published.

6. Popcorn will pop from the apricot trees.

7. So many members of the church will want to work in the nursery that a waiting list program will be initiated.

8. The country of Iraq will lead the world in scrap-booking.

9. The ten tribes of Israel will compete against each other in the Olympics.

10. One hundred percent home teaching will prevail upon the Earth.

EVOLUTIONARY BREAKING NEWS: What Really Happens to a LDS Family While Watching General Conference!!!

WHAT REALLY HAPPENS TO A LDS FAMILY WHILE WATCHING GENERAL CONFERENCE:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. A family humbly gathers. Father gleefully turns on television while Mother tenderly quiets the children. Two teenagers patiently sit on the couch.

2. Conference begins. Everyone in the room listens as all of the saints of the LDS Church are welcomed to another wonderful and glorious session of conference.

3. Mother and Father enthusiastically sing the opening song while the children begin to ask when they can have their first treat. One teenager kicks one of the children to silence the child while the other teenager kicks the teenager just because.

4. The first talk begins. Father dozes while Mother attentively takes notes. Intense squabbling begins amongst all of the children as they become equally irritating to each other. Mother turns up the television volume, to which Father wakes up unhappy, forgetting that Conference is even on.

5. Father reprimands one of the teenager’s who is now unraveling a crocheted afghan, made by Father’s Grandmother. The children cry so loud for treats that Mother can no longer take notes.

6. Meanwhile, the Conference speaker speaks about love in the home, but no one hears the speaker because of so many disractions.

7. This process repeats itself four or five times within a two-hour time frame.

8. And then Conference is over.

9. The family waits for the next session to begin.

10. A family humbly gathers. Father gleefully turns on television while Mother tenderly quiets the children. Two teenagers patiently sit on the couch...

5 MORE DAYS BREAKING NEWS: CONFERENCE WEEKEND IS FINALLY HERE!!!

Yipee! General Conference Weekend is Almost Here!!!
And what Do We Like Most about General Conference Weekend?

1- We get to listen to all of the General Authorities speak!

2 – We get to watch church in our pajamas!

3- We do not have to prepare a lesson!

4- We can finally sleep laying down!

5 – We can flip back and forth between church talks and exciting sporting events!

6 – We can listen to the church talks on headphones while cleaning out the garage or closets!

7 – We can verbalize how we feel about the talks as we listen to them!

8 – We can visit on the phone with old friends and acquaintances while listening to General Conference!

9 – We can play Bingo with the General Authorities, crossing out the name of each one as they speak!

10 – We can go on a two-day vacation and read about General Conference later in the Ensign!

LEADING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS EVERY CHORISTER HOPES TO FIND IN HEAVEN

TOP TEN THINGS EVERY CHORISTER
HOPES TO FIND IN HEAVEN
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


A chapel filled with everyone singing on key.
No one ever blurting a note out early.
No one singing too soft or too loud.
Hymn book page numbers that never fall off the wall rack.
A music stand that never slips down.
Clothes that never have holes in the underarms.
Enough time to sing every verse of a song (including “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief”).
To never get laryngitis.
Other choristers.
An accompanist named Beethoven.

(The answer to yesterday's blog was #2)

APPROPRIATE BREAKING NEWS: 10 THINGS TO NEVER SAY OR DO WHILE GIVING A CHURCH

10 ThiNgS tO nEvEr SaY oR dO
wHiLe GiViNg A cHuRcH tAlK:
(bY bEtTyAnNe BrUiN)

1. Never ever chew gum while giving a church talk, especially if that talk is the bearing of your testimony on Fast Sunday.

2. Never say in your church talk that you have just heard by way of radio on your way to church that the Second Coming is finally here.

3. Never mention in your church talk the horrific crime you once committed that you are grateful you’ve finally been forgiven for.

4. Never mention in your talk church the names of other Ward member you are proud of because they’ve just about kicked their drinking problem.

5. Never say in your church talk that the only way you can really express your testimony is to compare your testimony to your favorite Country Western song, and then play that Country Western song CD to the audience to prove your point.

6. Never give a forty-minute church talk, then, for those in the audience who do not speak English, read your entire church talk over again in Spanish.

7. Never say in your church talk how blessed you are that the other day, when the police showed up just in time to escort your abusive husband out of the house, that peace was once again restored in your home.

8. Never give a church talk holding your sick, two-year-old toddler in your arms because you are too compassionate to leave him in the arms of anyone else.

9. Never confess in your church that you suddenly feel humbled enough to admit you’ve been committing a horrific and very offensive sin.

10. Never say in your church talk that, as a visual aid, you would like to now show the effects of sin -- and then take off your suitcoat and expose to the audience your brand new white church shirt that has been totally ripped up and dragged through so much dirt that it is now filthy dirty.

(Footnote: Nine of these stories are true. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out which one isn't. )

FOREVER BREAKING NEWS: HOW TO FIND YOUR ANCESTORS!!!

FINALLY: HOW TO FIND YOUR ANCESTORS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

If lately, you've been noticing that you have more time on your hands, you might be thinking now is the time to do your genealogy. For beginners, here are a few suggestions on how to find your ancestors:

1. For a period of about thirty years, off and on throughout these years, try, with minmal effort, to somehow locate or happen to come across a LDS pedigree chart, to record what, if any, records you do have. After trying, off and on, to locate this page, give up and do something that will actually be worth more than searching for a piece of paper with increasing blank lines begging you to record information you might spend the rest of your life searching for only to find the information no longer exists.

2. Ten years later, after accidentally catching sight of a yellowed, dog-earred, soiled, wrinkled and blank pedigree chart in the bottom of the drawer of a desk that is being placed into the back of a Deseret Industries truck, proudly place the chart in a prominent place on your kitchen counter for at least five more years.

3. One day, after watching paint dry for more than three hours,
then playing with the dust in your belly button for five more, unable to think of absolutely anything more in the universe to do within the entire expanse of your exsistence, the image of your nearly disgarded pedigree chart will come to mind. With the full spirit of Elijah suddenly beginning to surge with a Super-hero zest throughout your heart, body and mind, retrieve the chart from off the kitchen counter. Pull it apart from the child’s artwork that has become glued to it with three year's worth of maple syrup and begin listing your and your parent’s full names, plus each person’s date and place of birth. With a feeling you might be on a roll that could lead you, by the end of the day, to a genealogical place just outside the Garden of Eden, move back one more generation, to your maternal and paternal grandparents. Fill in their names, then go to their dates and places of birth. Clueless regarding any of this information, right before caving into feeling the overwhelming feeling that you are a shameless, idiotic excuse for a human being, give up on all of this particular angle of nonsense, toss the pedigree chart back on the kitchen counter and go back to the wall you were first staring at and stare at it some more.

5. After ten more years of genealogical negligence, right before one of your friend’s relative passes away, this relative will have a very profound visitation from the other side, wherein specified visitor will thank relative for all of the genealogy particular relative did for eonic generations of loved ones who have now all passed on and are awaiting their eternal glory in everlasting peace and give friend all the credit, telling him mansions galore are awaiting friend's arrival. After hearing this experience, you will feel so guilty about all of the genealogical abuse you have inflicted upon your loved ones as you picture them floating aimlessly in eternal oblivion, that you will begin to panic. This panic will not leave you alone, day or night, and you will begin to suffer from anxiety attacks. After seeking professional help, six weeks later, when your medication finally takes full effect, dig desperately through the deep pile on your kitchen sink. Unable to find the chart, grill every member of your family, making sure to accuse them of every kind of whoredoms in an effort to get your chart back.

6. Failing in the above step, now lay back on your bed and stare out the sliding glass doors of your bedroom. Eventually you will see something white jammed up against the fence. Making your way across the yard, with a prayer in your heart, you will hope it is your pedigree chart, but to no avail. What it is, is an old bill you have neglected to pay for so long that it has now turned into a civil judgment against you.

7. Unable to take it anymore, vow to never to seek out your ancestors unless they come to you personally.

8. Unable to live with this decision, get out your yellow pages phone book and call a professional genealogist to find out how much it will cost you to find your relatives. Unable to afford any of these prices, you will resign yourself to pass on this idea.

9. But, do not give up.

10. The next day, as you celebrate your eightieth birthday, sit peacefully in your rocker, telling your grandchildren all of the stories about the wonderfulness of family, and encourage them to do whatever it takes to seek out their ancestors.

FUTURISTIC BREAKING NEWS: 10 THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS A MEMBER OF THE CHURCH IN THE YEAR 2025:

10 THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS A MEMBER OF THE LDS CHURCH IN THE YEAR 2005:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - NEW LDS JEWELRY to be made from all of the ingredients extracted from Funeral Potatoes!

2 - TWO YEARS SUPPLY OF FOOD STORAGE now available that fits in the palm of your hand!

3 - Finally, SCRAPBOOKING island is incorporated, where the only residents who can reside there spend their whole life cutting and pasting together their life in an endless set of three-ringed binders!

4 - First Purple Heart awarded to a SCOUT LEADER!

5 - Complete reverence achieved as PRIMARY meeting is shortened to only three minutes long!

6 - Candy and soda vending machines finally installed in all CHURCH foyers!

7 - After years of demands, WARD BASKETBALL season is finally replaced with ice hockey!

8 - YOUNG WOMEN'S Leaders are being warned against unseemly behavior as arrangements are made for Girl’s Camps to be held at The New Mauian Island Hotel and the leaders are unable to agree on who gets to go!

9 - PINEWOOD DERBY Dad is sentenced to 1 to 15 years in prison for bombing a Pine Wood Derby shop that PWD Dad felt intentionally sold him a flawed car that caused him to lose the race!

10 - 100 percent Home Teaching is finally achieved as a way is finally developed for home teachers to visit all of their families while asleep in their beds at night!

WaH-wAh BrEaKiNg NeWs: LdS NuRsErY LaWs

LdS NuRsErY LaWs:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


The redder the punch, the more likely it will be to spill on a nursery child’s expensive new outfit.

Messy diapers are always connected with a parent coming to pick up their perfect child.

The more time spent on a lesson, the less likely the children will be to like it.

Illnesses usually surface at the end of every two-hour nursery session.

The lower your tolerance level, the higher a screaming baby's pitch will be.

No matter how hard you try, every child will eventually be hit by every toy.

Children will only sneeze on the Sundays where Kleenex are not available.

The greatest carrier of germs is not the children, but their nursery toys and blankets.

If a child is sick, soon you will be too.

Even though you expend more energy than the rest of the Ward combined, barely anyone in the Ward even knows you exist.

NOW AND THEN BREAKING NEWS: FOOD STORAGE, THEN AND NOW!!!

How you ever noticed how proud we are to purchase our food storage... only to one day become afraid of it?

HAPPYJELLYBEANS PRESENTS:
YOUR LDS FoOd StOrAgE, THEN AND NOW...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1. Instant non-fat dry milk:
Then: Instant non-fat dry milk was promptly and neatly stored in plastic containers, clumped against a wall.
Now: Inside containers, non-fat dry milk is so clumped together that no one knows what to do with it, except to use it for stepping stones out in the garden or chip it apart and sell as mini souvenir icebergs..

2. Wheat:
Then: Wheat was professionally stored in vacuum-packed bags, ready for grinding.
Now: The only thing wheat grinds is your shoes each time you step on your garage floor.

3. Water:
Then: Water was stored in well-sanitized, gallon-sized bottles.
Now: You must sanitize your hands after each time you move the bottles from house to house.

4. Dried fruit:
Then: Dried fruit was packed so neatly, it could have won ‘Best of Show” at an art competition.
Now: Dried fruit is so stuck together that even a sight-impaired person would be afraid to look at it.

5. Dried beef:
Then: Dried beef was packed nicely enough to be fit for a king.
Now: The only king that will eat this stuff is King, your pet Doberman.

6. Toilet paper:
Then: Paper was stacked so neatly that it was always comforting to know all your needs would be met.
Now: The only comforting thing to know now is that the garbage man is coming tomorrow to dispose of all of your squished, mildewy rolls.

7. Honey:
Then: This killer product was stored so well and so easily.
Now: Discovering your honey contains killer botulism, you pray you will easily remember who you gave this honey to for Christmas last year.

8. Legumes:
Then: Plentiful legumes were stored so well that they were ready to cook at a moments notice.
Now: Even after boiling them for three days straight, your legumes will still never soften.

POT OF GOLD BREAKING NEWS!!! FAMOUS LDS SAINTS! PLUS LDS ST. PATTY'S DAY PRAYER!

FAMOUS LDS SAINTS,
PLUS
LDS ST. PATTY'S DAY PRAYER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


Happy St. Patrick’s Day to everyone, no matter what religion you are! In fact, have you ever wondered why we never honor our Saints? Yes, we have saints in our church, and the time has come to place these saints on their saintly pedestals, for at least a couple of hours. So, with the reverence of a Primary child, I would like to take this time to honor our very own LDS Saints, followed by our very own LDS St. Patrick's Day Prayer:

Sports Saints:

St. Steve Young
St. Dale Murphy
St. Danny Ainge
St. Wally Joyner
St. Johnny Miller

Musical Saints:

St. All of the Osmond’s except Jimmy
St. Thurl Bailey
St. Gladys Knight
St. Kurt Bestor

Hollywood Saints:

Honorary Saint Larry King
Possibly-Could-Be Saints (if they really did join the Mormon church):
St. Jimmy Stewart and
St. Elvis Presley
St. Ricky Shroeder
St. Jewel
St. Christina Aguillera's parents
St. Alice Cooper

Political Saints:

St. Orin Hatch
St. Mitt Romney
St. Michel Leavitt
Crossover-St. Ted Kennedy

Author Saints:

St. Gerald Lund
St. Anita Stansfield

Crafty Saint:

St. Diane Thomas

Wealthy Saints:

St. John Huntman
St. Marriotts

Miscellaneous Saints:

St. Larry H. Miller
St. All of the Stead family
St. Mr. Mac

And last, but not least, our very own LDS St. Patrick's Day Prayer:

May the cops on the road never catch you on your way to Church,
May the force of a thousand hurricanes convince you to finally do your home teaching,
May the sons of Mosiah’s images (while they were rebellious) never shine upon your face,
May the Primary children always fall softly out of their folding chairs,
And until we meet again,
May chocolate and coke always be plentiful in the palms of your hands.

BREAKING NEWS: 10 THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT LIFE WHILE SITTING ON THE BACK ROW OF SACRAMENT MEETING!!!

10 Things I've Learned About Life
While Sitting on the Back Row
of Sacrament Meeting:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. When the tone of a person’s voice becomes flat enough, even the most alert person can fall asleep.

2. The corner of a hymn book holder can be lethal to a toddler’s head.

3. A bald head scrubbed clean enough, reflecting off the overhead lights, can look like it’s made of glass.

4. No matter how slowly a candy wrapper is opened, it will always make too much noise.

5. Even though a sleeping person's head is angled in the most painful of positions, that person can still remain in a comatose state.

6. No matter how hard they try, a room filled with hundreds of intelligent people will never be able to say the word, “Amen” in unison.

7. Because they are in a choir, even the worst of singing voices can still get the biggest smiles.

8. No matter what age, treats can make even the grumpiest person happy.

9. In the proper setting, watching a microphone raise and lower can be quite exciting.

10. Under the right circumstance, a chapel clock can appear to be ticking so slowly that it can actually appear to be broken.

OUT OF THIS WORLD BREAKING NEWS: REAL LIVE WARD ANNOUNCEMENTS

ReAl LiFe WaRd AnNoUnCeMeNtS:
(By BeTtYaNnE bRuIn)

1. The Ward Emergency Fair, scheduled for this evening, has been cancelled due to a disaster.

2. For those of you who drive to the church and don’t realize it, please remember not to park in handicapped spaces.

3. Sister Thurmond cannot find her Great Great Grandmother Lucy Johnson. If anyone in the Ward is from North Carolina and can help Sister Thurmond find her Great Great Grandmother, she would greatly appreciate it.

4. The third hour of this Sunday’s meetings, the Bishop will speak about concerns regarding the break down of the family, after which we will sing, “Families Can Be Together Forever.”

5. A fireside will be held at the Stake Center tonight to discuss burnt offerings.

6. For those souls who want to be sure the shoe fits for next week’s lesson, feel free to refer to your footnotes.

7. The Scouts will be sponsoring a bean cook-off this Saturday. Don’t let something like this pass without notice.

8. The High Priests will be meeting at the church at 7 p.m. tonight to finish their work raising the dead.

9. Teachers, please remember to never write on the chalkboard, not to talk in class and to sit quietly in your seat, and our lessons will go a lot smoother.

10. Sister’s, don’t forget the D.I. drive to be held this Thursday at the church at 7 p.m. Get rid of everything you no longer need. And don't forget your husbands!”

GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING BREAKING NEWS: THEME SONGS FOR ALL WARD AUXILLARIES

THEME SONGS

FOR EVERY WARD AUXILLARY:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Nursery Leader's Theme Song:

"Release Me, Please Release Me, Let Me Go"

High Priest’s Theme Song:

“Wake Up and Do Something More

Than Dream of Your Mansions Above.”

A Scout’s Theme Song:

“If I Only Had a Brain.”

Relief Society Sister’s Theme Song:

“When We’re Happy We’re Helping” or

“Cry Me a River.”

Ward Basketball Player’s Theme Song:

“Bridge Over Troubled Waters”

Single’s Ward Theme Song:

"Another One Bites the Dust”

Missionary Theme Song:

“I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles

and I Would Walk Five Hundred More.”

Young Women’s Theme Song:

“Stand By Your Man”

Primary Children’s Theme Song:

“Jump! Shout!”

Primary President’s Theme Song:

“Say a Little Prayer For Me.”

Geneaology Specialist’s Theme Song:

“Happy Trails to You,” or

“The Road is Long.”

Ward Librarian’s Theme Song:

“Bookends,” or

“Take This Job and Shove It.”

BREAKING NEWS NOW: JUST IN TIME FOR SUNDAY: TEENAGER-IN-THE-HALL SUNDAY SCHOOL DETECTOR

JUST IN TIME FOR SUNDAY:

TEENAGERS-IN-THE-HALL
SUNDAY SCHOOL DETECTORS
AVAILABLE NOW:

Empty classrooms got you down? Can’t figure out where all the teenagers in your Ward have gone to? This'll never be a problem again with Teenager-in-the-hall Sunday School Detector. Your Ward will never experience teenagers sitting on the couch during Sacrament Meeting again, and no more bathroom checks either. Just simply install the unique teenage motion detector in every hall, snap the handy handheld device on your belt and wait to be notified of where your Ward’s teenagers are loitering NOW. Be ahead of the game. Don’t wait for inspiration on this one. Buy Teenager-in-the-hall Sunday School Detectors now!

WANTED BREAKING NEWS: EVERY WARD HAS AT LEAST ONE OF THESE. DOES YOURS?

WANTED:
EVERY WARD HAS AT LEAST ONE OF THESE.
DOES YOURS?

Six hundred imperfect/dysfunctional/mentally unstable Ward members

One self-declared “Last Days” or “Signs of the Times” expert

One Official Sunday School Class Head Nodder (Usually sits on the front row and nods head in agreement with everything teacher says)

One Mormon Tabernacle Wanna-be (Usually a Soprano)

One “Was-supposed-to-be-in-the-Pro’s” Sport’s reject.

One Funeral Potato Specialist

One Scrapbook Perfectionado

One Obsessive Compulsive Librarian (Usually specializes in video equipment)

One Self-appointed Pew Coordinator

One Teenager-in-the-hall Security Guard (Usually serves in the Sunday School Presidency)

All of the above

If your Ward has any or all of the above-mentioned Ward members in it, DO NOT PANIC!!! In fact, do not do anything at all because your Ward is completely normal!!!

AVAILABLE NOW BREAKING NEWS: BRAND NEW LDS PRODUCT: LDS BED IN A BAG!!!!

AVAILABLE NOW!!!!
LDS BED IN A BAG!!!
NEVER GO TO BED IMPERFECT AGAIN!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Never miss another prayer!
Read your scriptures every night!
Be ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FAITHFUL in EVERYTHING YOU DO, including doing ALL of your home/visiting teaching visits... until the Millennium comes!

With LDS Bed in a Bag’s highly effective, technologically correct and ultra-equipped sensors, LDS Bed in a Bag comes complete with:

A comforter that easily detects whether or not your home/visiting teaching has been done! If not, LDS Bed in a Bag’s sensors detect this and BANG! a piercing alarm sounds that will not allow you to wrap yourself in this comforter until everyone of your families have been visited.

Nightly prayers haven't been said? No problem with LDS Bed in a Bag’s sheets. They will shock you so badly that you won’t want to get within ten feet of these sheets until you've gotten on your knees first!

For some reason, you inadvertently tried to climb into bed without reading your scriptures first? Ha! LDS Bed in a Bag’s pillow is there to shoot massive amounts of cold water at your face until you resolve to never miss reading your scriptures again!

Even the dust ruffle has detectors! Doing your genealogy a problem? No more. Let LDS Bed in a Bag's dust ruffle trip you into remembering those ancestors.

All of this and more! Buy LDS Bed in a Bag NOW! The Second Coming is on its way!

Hi MoM BrEaKiNg NeWs: UnReCoRdEd CoMmEnTs MaDe By ThEiR MoThErS iN ThE bOoK oF MoRmOn

UNRECORDED COMMENTS MADE BY THEIR MOTHERS IN THE BOOK OF MORMON:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. Get down from that wall right now, Samuel. You’re gonna get hurt!
2. Laman and Lemuel, what’s it gonna take for you to finally quit picking on your brother?
3. You really expect me to believe, Lehi, that you just woke up one morning and this thing was sitting outside the front door of our tent?
4. You lie again, Korihor, and your father and I are gonna wash your mouth out with soap.
5. I mean it this time, Enos. Go to sleep!
6. Really, girls. Don’t you think it’s pretty pompous of you to believe some guys are gonna whisk through here some day, sweep you off your feet and marry all of you at once? You’ve got to be kidding!
7. After all we do for you, Laman and Lemuel, all you can do is complain!
8. Abinadi, take off those clothes. They smell like a fiery furnace!
9. You mean to tell me Moroni that you buried those plates in a mountainside and now you can’t remember where you put them?
10. Helaman, go tell your sons right now that they’d better listen to me or else!

MONDAY MORNING, BREAKING NEWS: THE ART OF PULLING OFF AN "I'M NOT HAVING A FAREWELL" FAREWELL

The Art of Pulling Off an, “I’m Not Having a Farewell” Farewell
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. Mail out your annual family Christmas letter two weeks before your missionary’s farewell, even if you' ve never mailed out an annual Christmas letter before. On decorative Christmas paper, print the date, time and place of your missionary’s farewell in large, bold print across the top of the page, then go on to mention a few other happenings in the family, just to make sure the letter is officially an "official annual family Christmas letter."

2. Arrange to give the opening or closing prayer at your missionary’s farewell. Within the context of the prayer, mention how grateful you are for such things as all of your many “spiritual, mental, emotional and physical blessings, including your house, food, as well as all the many times of getting together with family and friends (then quickly whisper the words, ‘after the meeting today,’), then go on to mention the beauty of the Earth, and all of the other wonderful things we enjoy.”

3. Try to encourage your missionary to say things you would have said in your talk, (had your missionary gone on a mission ten years ago), by writing a poem or a song that can be sung about faith. Include in this poem or song, everything that builds faith in a person, including such things as a family's influence. Go ahead and within the context of this poem or song include all of the funny or unique things to get "the big Ward laugh" everyone seeks for during a mission farewell -- and you know you would have received had your missionary served a mission ten years ago--and everything else you and your family have done for your missionary.

4. During the farewell, be as teary-eyed as possible for as long as is possible, (hopefully throughout the duration of the meeting) as if you were seated on the stand, for anyone who might decide to watch you instead of your child.

5. Even though you are not speaking, be sure and go out and buy something new.

6. In the prayer you have arranged, be sure to thank everyone who has ever influenced you and/or your child your whole life, whether they are in the room (“happened” to get your “official family Christmas letter”) or not, including neighbors, friends and/or neighbor's friend's second cousins twice-removed.

7. Clean your house spotless on Saturday or Sunday, "just because it happens to need it," and because "you suddenly feel the urge to paint and recarpet." Be sure to bring in extra chairs and tables because it suddenly occurred to you that "you never know when a ‘very large’ crowd might show up.”

8. During church, after the meeting, act as though you are going to your car to get something, then get in your car and drive to your house without thinking about what you are doing because if you don’t think about what you are doing you won’t be held as accountable as if you think and act as if you know what you are doing.

9. As soon as you arrive home, act surprised when lots of people start showing up at your door, as if the whole thing just happened to be happening.

10. Enjoy the whole day and feel satisfied when you retire that night, that you have been faithful in following the guidelines not to have a missionary farewell.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW BREAKING NEWS: PHONE MENU FOR A LATTER DAY SAINT HOME

LDS PHONE MENU
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

If you are a High Priest: Please press five before falling asleep.

If you are the Ward Nursery Leader: While holding up some fingers, count them, then please press the button that coincides with that number.

If you are the Scoutmaster: After spraying yourself with bug repellent, please press 8.

If you are the Young Women’s President: Because you value this call, please press 7.

If you are the Relief Society President: Please press five, serve refreshments, then press 6.

If you are the Sunday School President: Please wait for the buzzer, then press 4.

If you are the Bishop: While pulling your hair out, please press 1.

If you are the Ward Librarian: Please press 1, then be sure to return 1. Please press 2, then be sure to return 2...

If you are the Ward Genealogist: Please search through all of the buttons to find which one belongs to you.

If you are a Home Teacher: Wait until the last second, then please press 2.

If you are calling to ask me to substitute teach your Primary class, please hang up.

RATHER CHILDISH BREAKING NEWS: WHAT MORMONS TRULY BELIEVE (THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHILD)!!!

WHAT WE (THE MEMBERS OF THE MORMON CHURCH) TRULY BELIEVE, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR OLD CHILD:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

When we are eight years old, we get bathtized.

The Word of Wisdom says we can’t ever drink out-in-the-hall. And we should never smoke cigarettes either.

Our thirteenth Article of Faith says that we believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant.

We also believe we will be punished for our own sins and not for Adam’s Ranch Dressing.

We believe that everyone should look for their own Jenny Ology, who is dead, and when we find her, we are supposed to bathtize her too.

We believe that the church has Wards, and every Ward has their very own Bishop Rick.

We believe that every month we should go without eating on Fast Sunday, but it's the slowest day of the month.

Sometimes we believe in being called nice names, like in the song, “I am a child of God, and He has sent me here, has given me an Earthly life and parents, golden dear.

We believe in a book called, Dot Run and Cover Ants! and another book called, The Boy Love’s Grape Rice, (but I don't know if I'll read this one because I've never liked rice.)

But the best part is, we believe that when we die, we will go to the See Less Jell-o kingdom, where we will live happily ever after.

RATHER CHILDISH BREAKING NEWS: WHAT MORMONS TRULY BELIEVE (THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHILD)!!!

WHAT WE (THE MEMBERS OF THE MORMON CHURCH) TRULY BELIEVE, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR OLD CHILD:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

When we are eight years old, we get bathtized.

The Word of Wisdom says we can’t ever drink out-in-the-hall. And we should never smoke cigarettes either.

Our thirteenth Article of Faith says that we believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant.

We also believe we will be punished for our own sins and not for Adam’s Ranch Dressing.

We believe that everyone should look for their own Jenny Ology, who is dead, and when we find her, we are supposed to bathtize her too.

We believe that the church has Wards, and every Ward has their very own Bishop Rick.

We believe that every month we should go without eating on Fast Sunday, but it's the slowest day of the month.

Sometimes we believe in being called nice names, like in the song, “I am a child of God, and He has sent me here, has given me an Earthly life and parents, golden dear.

We believe in a book called, Dot Run and Cover Ants! and another book called, The Boy Love’s Grape Rice, (but I don't know if I'll read this one because I've never liked rice.)

But the best part is, we believe that when we die, we will go to the See Less Jewel Kingdom, where we will live happily ever after!

BECAUSE THIS IS BREAKING NEWS: BECAUSE I'M A MORMON!!!

Because I’m a Mormon:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Because I’m a Mormon, I will never abuse alcohol or smoke cigarettes, but I will be the first person to ever consume so much chocolate that my pancreas will nearly shut down.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will never speak unkindly to my neighbor, unless that neighbor happens to be the clueless referee who made that last second horrible call during my child’s Ward basketball game, at which time I will feel free to exercise my free agency and tell him what will happen to him if he ever does that again.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will always be obedient, unless that means driving under the speed limit on my way to or from any church meeting.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will fast the first Sunday of every month, unless there is a special at Sizzler’s.

Because I’m a Mormon I will never seek worldly praise, except for the night of my son’s Pinewood Derby, at which time I will do everything but kill to win first place.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will never covet anything, unless my neighbor buys another one of those new, slick water-skiing boats, at which time I will consider anything short of stealing to rip that beautiful boat right out of his brand new garage.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will always be willing to serve anywhere and everywhere, unless I’m called to be a Scout Leader, Nursery Leader, Ward Chorister, Ward Librarian, Compassionate Service Leader, anything in the Sunday School, Genealogy Specialists, Welfare Specialists, Ward Activities Chairperson, Weekday Achievement Leader, Primary Chorister, etc., etc., etc.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will never go into debt, unless there’s another one of those spectacular clearance sales at, Scrapbooker’s Heaven, down the street.

Because I’m Mormon, I will be very resourceful, in fact, I will be so resourceful that I will begin to become very fearful of ever throwing anything away again, which will lead me to experience so many obsessive compulsive behaviors regarding the many uses of each and every item on the face of the Earth, that I will have to go on very expensive medication, which will lead me to so many financial setbacks that I will eventually be forced to sell my home and rely on the goodness of the land which will eventually lead me to more, endless resources that I will also benefit from.

DOUBLE BREAKING NEWS: TWO MORE MORMON PRODUCTS FOUND! YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT WITHOUT THESE TWO PRODUCTS!!!!

BEST NEW MORMON PRODUCTS FINALLY FOUND!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Deacon Basketball Player Repellent: No Relief Society sister should ever go without this product on their church hall closet shelf. Never face another annoying kid holding a basketball under one arm again. This spray is guaranteed to send them on their irritating way forever! "We love this product!. Ever since using this product, we have not seen hide nor hair of any of those lower-level thinking people who believe the world revolves around them." Sister Lemme Adam, second counselor in the Relief Society Presidency

Millennial Sensor: Finally, eliminate all your fears! This sensor, placed on your roof can easily identify all of the “signs of the times” that could indicate an early Second Coming! Be the first in your neighborhood to know for sure! Now is the time to buy! "This product has changed our lives. Now we sleep peacefully every night. And our non-member neighbors have already asked us to inform them of any alerts we receive!" Mr. and Mrs. C. Itall First, ultra-concerned citizens, official members of the Millenial-watchers Association and inventors of the Millennial Sensor

MaRcH MaDnEsS BrEaKiNg NeWs: LuCkY MoRmOn HoRrOrScOPe FOR MARCH 1, 2005:

Ye oLd MoRmOn HoRrOrScOpE FoR MaRcH 1, 2005:

You will actually feel a very real feeling of the luck o’ the Irish coming your way soon, and then an anxious and guilt-ridden thought will follow, “Should I really be feeling this way, considering I am Mormon and St. Patty’s Day is a Catholic holiday?” This St. Patty’s Day thought will not cause you to stray into the area of tempatation, specifically, wanting to have your palm read or attend a Taro card reading, no. You will simply feel a bit lucky today. Yet, since you’ve made a vow to never gamble, you will feel your greatest luck will come in the form of giving instant life-altering advice to other people. Because of this, for every comment someone makes to you, you will launch you into a Mr. Brady Bunch-type response, until someone (possibly one of your many children or an in-law) will say, “So, who died and made you King?” And suddenly you will be reminded of the importance of being humble, of sincerely being a “member” of the Earthly team struggling, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, to survive this horrible, overwhelming life that seems almost too unbearable to survive, rather than Heaven’s one and only know-it-all. This thought will cause a deep low to come upon you and you will panic that maybe you have somehow misinterpreted your whole mission here upon the Earth afterall, or, even worse, maybe all of those hours watching “American Idol” has been, as you were warned, some kind of secret combinational plot to divert you away from your true mission. As a result, you will vow to do things differently from this point forward, including apologizing to the Ward Librarian you yelled at last Sunday because she accidentally gave the television you reserved for your class to a Primary class instead.

LATE BREAKING NEWS: just in time for FHE: YOU KNOW IT MIGHT BE AN UNPLEASANT FAMILY HOME EVENING WHEN...

You Know It Might Be an Unpleasant Family Home Evening When…

1. Everyone’s fighting and no one’s taken their seat yet.
2. Just as you begin the lesson, you glance at the clock and notice it’s nearly 10:30 p.m.
3. The homemade ice cream, that's been churning in the ice cream freezer for over 3 hours, still looks like vanilla soup.
4. The phone won't quit ringing, and you've taken it off the hook.
5. The opening prayer has just been said, and you still have no idea what the lesson should be about.
6. Instead of having a lesson, the family decides to hold family council to discuss all of the latest family problems.
7. Even after telling everyone you've got an important message regarding when the world will be coming to an end, no one will stop reading the newspaper, talking on the phone, sleeping on the couch or doing somersaults.
8. Just as you begin showing a church video, an electrical shortage hits.
9. The only food you can find in the house that remotely represents a treat is a package of saltine crackers.
10. You finally locate a set of scriptures to use for the lesson and discover during the lesson that it's an old copy of “Good News for Modern Man.”