LDS PHONE MENU
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If you are a High Priest: Please press five before falling asleep.
If you are the Ward Nursery Leader: While holding up some fingers, count them, then please press the button that coincides with that number.
If you are the Scoutmaster: After spraying yourself with bug repellent, please press 8.
If you are the Young Women’s President: Because you value this call, please press 7.
If you are the Relief Society President: Please press five, serve refreshments, then press 6.
If you are the Sunday School President: Please wait for the buzzer, then press 4.
If you are the Bishop: While pulling your hair out, please press 1.
If you are the Ward Librarian: Please press 1, then be sure to return 1. Please press 2, then be sure to return 2...
If you are the Ward Genealogist: Please search through all of the buttons to find which one belongs to you.
If you are a Home Teacher: Wait until the last second, then please press 2.
If you are calling to ask me to substitute teach your Primary class, please hang up.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Thursday, March 03, 2005
RATHER CHILDISH BREAKING NEWS: WHAT MORMONS TRULY BELIEVE (THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHILD)!!!
WHAT WE (THE MEMBERS OF THE MORMON CHURCH) TRULY BELIEVE, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR OLD CHILD:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
When we are eight years old, we get bathtized.
The Word of Wisdom says we can’t ever drink out-in-the-hall. And we should never smoke cigarettes either.
Our thirteenth Article of Faith says that we believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant.
We also believe we will be punished for our own sins and not for Adam’s Ranch Dressing.
We believe that everyone should look for their own Jenny Ology, who is dead, and when we find her, we are supposed to bathtize her too.
We believe that the church has Wards, and every Ward has their very own Bishop Rick.
We believe that every month we should go without eating on Fast Sunday, but it's the slowest day of the month.
Sometimes we believe in being called nice names, like in the song, “I am a child of God, and He has sent me here, has given me an Earthly life and parents, golden dear.
We believe in a book called, Dot Run and Cover Ants! and another book called, The Boy Love’s Grape Rice, (but I don't know if I'll read this one because I've never liked rice.)
But the best part is, we believe that when we die, we will go to the See Less Jell-o kingdom, where we will live happily ever after.
RATHER CHILDISH BREAKING NEWS: WHAT MORMONS TRULY BELIEVE (THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHILD)!!!
WHAT WE (THE MEMBERS OF THE MORMON CHURCH) TRULY BELIEVE, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR OLD CHILD:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
When we are eight years old, we get bathtized.
The Word of Wisdom says we can’t ever drink out-in-the-hall. And we should never smoke cigarettes either.
Our thirteenth Article of Faith says that we believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant.
We also believe we will be punished for our own sins and not for Adam’s Ranch Dressing.
We believe that everyone should look for their own Jenny Ology, who is dead, and when we find her, we are supposed to bathtize her too.
We believe that the church has Wards, and every Ward has their very own Bishop Rick.
We believe that every month we should go without eating on Fast Sunday, but it's the slowest day of the month.
Sometimes we believe in being called nice names, like in the song, “I am a child of God, and He has sent me here, has given me an Earthly life and parents, golden dear.
We believe in a book called, Dot Run and Cover Ants! and another book called, The Boy Love’s Grape Rice, (but I don't know if I'll read this one because I've never liked rice.)
But the best part is, we believe that when we die, we will go to the See Less Jewel Kingdom, where we will live happily ever after!
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
BECAUSE THIS IS BREAKING NEWS: BECAUSE I'M A MORMON!!!
Because I’m a Mormon:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because I’m a Mormon, I will never abuse alcohol or smoke cigarettes, but I will be the first person to ever consume so much chocolate that my pancreas will nearly shut down.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will never speak unkindly to my neighbor, unless that neighbor happens to be the clueless referee who made that last second horrible call during my child’s Ward basketball game, at which time I will feel free to exercise my free agency and tell him what will happen to him if he ever does that again.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will always be obedient, unless that means driving under the speed limit on my way to or from any church meeting.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will fast the first Sunday of every month, unless there is a special at Sizzler’s.
Because I’m a Mormon I will never seek worldly praise, except for the night of my son’s Pinewood Derby, at which time I will do everything but kill to win first place.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will never covet anything, unless my neighbor buys another one of those new, slick water-skiing boats, at which time I will consider anything short of stealing to rip that beautiful boat right out of his brand new garage.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will always be willing to serve anywhere and everywhere, unless I’m called to be a Scout Leader, Nursery Leader, Ward Chorister, Ward Librarian, Compassionate Service Leader, anything in the Sunday School, Genealogy Specialists, Welfare Specialists, Ward Activities Chairperson, Weekday Achievement Leader, Primary Chorister, etc., etc., etc.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will never go into debt, unless there’s another one of those spectacular clearance sales at, Scrapbooker’s Heaven, down the street.
Because I’m Mormon, I will be very resourceful, in fact, I will be so resourceful that I will begin to become very fearful of ever throwing anything away again, which will lead me to experience so many obsessive compulsive behaviors regarding the many uses of each and every item on the face of the Earth, that I will have to go on very expensive medication, which will lead me to so many financial setbacks that I will eventually be forced to sell my home and rely on the goodness of the land which will eventually lead me to more, endless resources that I will also benefit from.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because I’m a Mormon, I will never abuse alcohol or smoke cigarettes, but I will be the first person to ever consume so much chocolate that my pancreas will nearly shut down.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will never speak unkindly to my neighbor, unless that neighbor happens to be the clueless referee who made that last second horrible call during my child’s Ward basketball game, at which time I will feel free to exercise my free agency and tell him what will happen to him if he ever does that again.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will always be obedient, unless that means driving under the speed limit on my way to or from any church meeting.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will fast the first Sunday of every month, unless there is a special at Sizzler’s.
Because I’m a Mormon I will never seek worldly praise, except for the night of my son’s Pinewood Derby, at which time I will do everything but kill to win first place.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will never covet anything, unless my neighbor buys another one of those new, slick water-skiing boats, at which time I will consider anything short of stealing to rip that beautiful boat right out of his brand new garage.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will always be willing to serve anywhere and everywhere, unless I’m called to be a Scout Leader, Nursery Leader, Ward Chorister, Ward Librarian, Compassionate Service Leader, anything in the Sunday School, Genealogy Specialists, Welfare Specialists, Ward Activities Chairperson, Weekday Achievement Leader, Primary Chorister, etc., etc., etc.
Because I’m a Mormon, I will never go into debt, unless there’s another one of those spectacular clearance sales at, Scrapbooker’s Heaven, down the street.
Because I’m Mormon, I will be very resourceful, in fact, I will be so resourceful that I will begin to become very fearful of ever throwing anything away again, which will lead me to experience so many obsessive compulsive behaviors regarding the many uses of each and every item on the face of the Earth, that I will have to go on very expensive medication, which will lead me to so many financial setbacks that I will eventually be forced to sell my home and rely on the goodness of the land which will eventually lead me to more, endless resources that I will also benefit from.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
DOUBLE BREAKING NEWS: TWO MORE MORMON PRODUCTS FOUND! YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT WITHOUT THESE TWO PRODUCTS!!!!
BEST NEW MORMON PRODUCTS FINALLY FOUND!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Deacon Basketball Player Repellent: No Relief Society sister should ever go without this product on their church hall closet shelf. Never face another annoying kid holding a basketball under one arm again. This spray is guaranteed to send them on their irritating way forever! "We love this product!. Ever since using this product, we have not seen hide nor hair of any of those lower-level thinking people who believe the world revolves around them." Sister Lemme Adam, second counselor in the Relief Society Presidency
Millennial Sensor: Finally, eliminate all your fears! This sensor, placed on your roof can easily identify all of the “signs of the times” that could indicate an early Second Coming! Be the first in your neighborhood to know for sure! Now is the time to buy! "This product has changed our lives. Now we sleep peacefully every night. And our non-member neighbors have already asked us to inform them of any alerts we receive!" Mr. and Mrs. C. Itall First, ultra-concerned citizens, official members of the Millenial-watchers Association and inventors of the Millennial Sensor
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Deacon Basketball Player Repellent: No Relief Society sister should ever go without this product on their church hall closet shelf. Never face another annoying kid holding a basketball under one arm again. This spray is guaranteed to send them on their irritating way forever! "We love this product!. Ever since using this product, we have not seen hide nor hair of any of those lower-level thinking people who believe the world revolves around them." Sister Lemme Adam, second counselor in the Relief Society Presidency
Millennial Sensor: Finally, eliminate all your fears! This sensor, placed on your roof can easily identify all of the “signs of the times” that could indicate an early Second Coming! Be the first in your neighborhood to know for sure! Now is the time to buy! "This product has changed our lives. Now we sleep peacefully every night. And our non-member neighbors have already asked us to inform them of any alerts we receive!" Mr. and Mrs. C. Itall First, ultra-concerned citizens, official members of the Millenial-watchers Association and inventors of the Millennial Sensor
MaRcH MaDnEsS BrEaKiNg NeWs: LuCkY MoRmOn HoRrOrScOPe FOR MARCH 1, 2005:
Ye oLd MoRmOn HoRrOrScOpE FoR MaRcH 1, 2005:
You will actually feel a very real feeling of the luck o’ the Irish coming your way soon, and then an anxious and guilt-ridden thought will follow, “Should I really be feeling this way, considering I am Mormon and St. Patty’s Day is a Catholic holiday?” This St. Patty’s Day thought will not cause you to stray into the area of tempatation, specifically, wanting to have your palm read or attend a Taro card reading, no. You will simply feel a bit lucky today. Yet, since you’ve made a vow to never gamble, you will feel your greatest luck will come in the form of giving instant life-altering advice to other people. Because of this, for every comment someone makes to you, you will launch you into a Mr. Brady Bunch-type response, until someone (possibly one of your many children or an in-law) will say, “So, who died and made you King?” And suddenly you will be reminded of the importance of being humble, of sincerely being a “member” of the Earthly team struggling, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, to survive this horrible, overwhelming life that seems almost too unbearable to survive, rather than Heaven’s one and only know-it-all. This thought will cause a deep low to come upon you and you will panic that maybe you have somehow misinterpreted your whole mission here upon the Earth afterall, or, even worse, maybe all of those hours watching “American Idol” has been, as you were warned, some kind of secret combinational plot to divert you away from your true mission. As a result, you will vow to do things differently from this point forward, including apologizing to the Ward Librarian you yelled at last Sunday because she accidentally gave the television you reserved for your class to a Primary class instead.
You will actually feel a very real feeling of the luck o’ the Irish coming your way soon, and then an anxious and guilt-ridden thought will follow, “Should I really be feeling this way, considering I am Mormon and St. Patty’s Day is a Catholic holiday?” This St. Patty’s Day thought will not cause you to stray into the area of tempatation, specifically, wanting to have your palm read or attend a Taro card reading, no. You will simply feel a bit lucky today. Yet, since you’ve made a vow to never gamble, you will feel your greatest luck will come in the form of giving instant life-altering advice to other people. Because of this, for every comment someone makes to you, you will launch you into a Mr. Brady Bunch-type response, until someone (possibly one of your many children or an in-law) will say, “So, who died and made you King?” And suddenly you will be reminded of the importance of being humble, of sincerely being a “member” of the Earthly team struggling, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, to survive this horrible, overwhelming life that seems almost too unbearable to survive, rather than Heaven’s one and only know-it-all. This thought will cause a deep low to come upon you and you will panic that maybe you have somehow misinterpreted your whole mission here upon the Earth afterall, or, even worse, maybe all of those hours watching “American Idol” has been, as you were warned, some kind of secret combinational plot to divert you away from your true mission. As a result, you will vow to do things differently from this point forward, including apologizing to the Ward Librarian you yelled at last Sunday because she accidentally gave the television you reserved for your class to a Primary class instead.
Monday, February 28, 2005
LATE BREAKING NEWS: just in time for FHE: YOU KNOW IT MIGHT BE AN UNPLEASANT FAMILY HOME EVENING WHEN...
You Know It Might Be an Unpleasant Family Home Evening When…
1. Everyone’s fighting and no one’s taken their seat yet.
2. Just as you begin the lesson, you glance at the clock and notice it’s nearly 10:30 p.m.
3. The homemade ice cream, that's been churning in the ice cream freezer for over 3 hours, still looks like vanilla soup.
4. The phone won't quit ringing, and you've taken it off the hook.
5. The opening prayer has just been said, and you still have no idea what the lesson should be about.
6. Instead of having a lesson, the family decides to hold family council to discuss all of the latest family problems.
7. Even after telling everyone you've got an important message regarding when the world will be coming to an end, no one will stop reading the newspaper, talking on the phone, sleeping on the couch or doing somersaults.
8. Just as you begin showing a church video, an electrical shortage hits.
9. The only food you can find in the house that remotely represents a treat is a package of saltine crackers.
10. You finally locate a set of scriptures to use for the lesson and discover during the lesson that it's an old copy of “Good News for Modern Man.”
1. Everyone’s fighting and no one’s taken their seat yet.
2. Just as you begin the lesson, you glance at the clock and notice it’s nearly 10:30 p.m.
3. The homemade ice cream, that's been churning in the ice cream freezer for over 3 hours, still looks like vanilla soup.
4. The phone won't quit ringing, and you've taken it off the hook.
5. The opening prayer has just been said, and you still have no idea what the lesson should be about.
6. Instead of having a lesson, the family decides to hold family council to discuss all of the latest family problems.
7. Even after telling everyone you've got an important message regarding when the world will be coming to an end, no one will stop reading the newspaper, talking on the phone, sleeping on the couch or doing somersaults.
8. Just as you begin showing a church video, an electrical shortage hits.
9. The only food you can find in the house that remotely represents a treat is a package of saltine crackers.
10. You finally locate a set of scriptures to use for the lesson and discover during the lesson that it's an old copy of “Good News for Modern Man.”
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