MORMON CENSUS
OR
HOW PECULIAR ARE YOU?
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. While attending any ward for the very first time, how often would you say you meet someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows you?
A. 99.999999% of the time
B. All of the time
2. How many children should Mormons be allowed to have:
A. 1-6
B. 6-12
C. Only as many as can squish into one pew
3. Which would you say is the “cushiest” job in the church:
A. The Secretary in the Sunday School Presidency
B. The Second Counselor in the Sunday School Presidency
C. The First Counselor in the Sunday School Presidency
D. The President of the Sunday School Presidency
4. Complete this sentence: Church songbook holders were made to:
A. Hold church hymnbooks
B. Store Ward programs
C. Keep unwanted contents of a pocket or purse
D. Provide a “time out” for misused toys
E. Test the durability of a toddler’s head
5. At a Ward Christmas party, how many times have you or your children been injured by the following:
A. The folding chair racks
B. The partition between the Cultural Hall and the Chapel
C. Any classroom, Chapel or bathroom door
D. The stage
6. To make them more accurate, should personal histories be written by someone else:
A. Yes
B. No
p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p
PLUS, SOME NEW MORMON PRODUCTS HAVE JUST BEEN DELIVERED IN TIME FOR SUNDAY!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
NEVER-FAIL-SABBATH-DAY-GROCERY-SHOPPING-DISGUISE MASKS - "I'll never have to drive across town to shop on Sunday again!" a Primary President from Salt Lake City.
CTR-SHAPED HOME WITH MATCHING FURNITURE - "No matter what room we go in, we always remember to choose the right! I think it's making a difference - even with my teenagers!" a woman who might still have a lot to learn.
ENROLLMENT IN THE FIRST 2005 SPRING TRAINING,BASKETBALL REFEREE'S BOOT CAMP - "We'll really be ready for Ward basketball season now!" a man recently released from physical rehab as a result of his Ward's last basketball season.
HIGH COUNCILMAN SMELLING SALTS - "I'll never fall asleep again, no matter how long or dull that talk is!" a very young person in Texas.
Friday, February 11, 2005
UNBELIEVABLE BREAKING NEWS: NEW MORMON HORRORSCOPE, PLUS ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS TO THE MORMON CENSUS!!!
MORMON HORRORSCOPE FOR FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2005 (Also known to Mormon's as
NTGIFFMBIHPMSLYATOTMDL or
NoThankGoodnessIt'sFridayForMe
BecauseIStillHaven'tPreparedMySundayLessonYet
AndThere'sOnlyTwoMoreDaysLeft! )
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
“Will I be put “on hold” in the next life too?” will be your thought as you begin your day waiting on the phone nearly twenty minutes, trying to ask your doctor one simple question.
You will recall your last trip to San Francisco, walking along the Golden Gate bridge, noticing all of the suicide hotline phone booths with the sign above them that read, “Don’t jump--Call!” And the Golden Gate bridge authority who told you that if you pick up the phone, the person on the other end of the suicide hotline will say, “Your call is very important to us. Please hold.” Even as a Mormon, with all of the truth you know and believe in, life will once again make absolutely no sense.
Suddenly you will remember the Ward dinner is tonight and panic! It’s way too late to make the second counselor in the Relief Society’s award-winning, eleven layer Jell-o recipe you swore -- on all of the Girl Scout cookies you just purchased -- that you would not ruin, like everyone else has done in the past. So now you have no choice but to go the grocery store deli and buy three different colors of Jell-o, chop them up and mix them together with a little bit of bonus Cool Whip, hoping Miss Eleven Layer Jell-o won’t notice the difference, and if she does, you are prepared to tell her that it’s been a rough week, seeing how your mother died in 2002 and that you hope she will understand and be patient with the grief process.
You will end up having fun at the Ward party, until the Sunday School President's child takes a leaping jump off the stage, afterwhich you and your spouse will offer to spend the rest of the evening babysitting his children while he and his wife take their child to the Emergency room for X-rays.
NTGIFFMBIHPMSLYATOTMDL or
NoThankGoodnessIt'sFridayForMe
BecauseIStillHaven'tPreparedMySundayLessonYet
AndThere'sOnlyTwoMoreDaysLeft! )
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
“Will I be put “on hold” in the next life too?” will be your thought as you begin your day waiting on the phone nearly twenty minutes, trying to ask your doctor one simple question.
You will recall your last trip to San Francisco, walking along the Golden Gate bridge, noticing all of the suicide hotline phone booths with the sign above them that read, “Don’t jump--Call!” And the Golden Gate bridge authority who told you that if you pick up the phone, the person on the other end of the suicide hotline will say, “Your call is very important to us. Please hold.” Even as a Mormon, with all of the truth you know and believe in, life will once again make absolutely no sense.
Suddenly you will remember the Ward dinner is tonight and panic! It’s way too late to make the second counselor in the Relief Society’s award-winning, eleven layer Jell-o recipe you swore -- on all of the Girl Scout cookies you just purchased -- that you would not ruin, like everyone else has done in the past. So now you have no choice but to go the grocery store deli and buy three different colors of Jell-o, chop them up and mix them together with a little bit of bonus Cool Whip, hoping Miss Eleven Layer Jell-o won’t notice the difference, and if she does, you are prepared to tell her that it’s been a rough week, seeing how your mother died in 2002 and that you hope she will understand and be patient with the grief process.
You will end up having fun at the Ward party, until the Sunday School President's child takes a leaping jump off the stage, afterwhich you and your spouse will offer to spend the rest of the evening babysitting his children while he and his wife take their child to the Emergency room for X-rays.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
EARLY AFTERNOON BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS GENEALOGISTS HOPE TO FIND IN THE C/K, EVERYTHING LEARNED WHILE VISITING TEACHING, NEW MORMON HORRORSCOPE
Top Ten Things Every Genealogist Hopes To Find in the Celestial Kingdom:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1: That every one of their dead relatives they searched their whole lives for, all the way back to Adam, really are grateful.
2. That all those who refused to do their genealogy while living on Earth didn’t make it.
3. That there is a hall bigger than the conference center where they will be invited to tell all of their long, detailed stories about how they found all of their long, lost relatives.
4. That a "perfect genealogy computer program," void of any technical problems forever, really does exist.
5. The copy of the 1890 Census that burned.
6. That Heaven's computer has reprinted every genealogy record using only Times New Roman 14-point, bold font.
7. That there really is a "World’s Biggest Family Tree" showing how we all link together.
8. That there is an answer to the age-old question, “If Adam and Eve had only two children: Cain and Abel, where did we all come from?”
9. That Adam and Eve had no parents (or there will only be more genealogy to do).
10. That all of their genealogy dates really do match up.
11. That they are related to someone rich and famous.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1: That every one of their dead relatives they searched their whole lives for, all the way back to Adam, really are grateful.
2. That all those who refused to do their genealogy while living on Earth didn’t make it.
3. That there is a hall bigger than the conference center where they will be invited to tell all of their long, detailed stories about how they found all of their long, lost relatives.
4. That a "perfect genealogy computer program," void of any technical problems forever, really does exist.
5. The copy of the 1890 Census that burned.
6. That Heaven's computer has reprinted every genealogy record using only Times New Roman 14-point, bold font.
7. That there really is a "World’s Biggest Family Tree" showing how we all link together.
8. That there is an answer to the age-old question, “If Adam and Eve had only two children: Cain and Abel, where did we all come from?”
9. That Adam and Eve had no parents (or there will only be more genealogy to do).
10. That all of their genealogy dates really do match up.
11. That they are related to someone rich and famous.
NOON BREAKING NEWS: EVERYTHING I LEARNED ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED WHILE VISITING TEACHING
(Be sure to scroll down for Thursday's Mormon Horrorscope)
Everything I Learned About Life I Learned While Visiting Teaching:
1: When taking a treat, make sure the treat is edible to the person being visited -- and never take a plate of treats that has just been delivered to you by your own visiting teacher.
2: Visits should be twenty minutes long, but never more than three hours.
3: Never talk about anything that is none of your business, like guessing the weight or age of other sisters in the Ward, who might be hooked on Bonko, etc.
4: Give the message on the message and never on things like “Can you believe what Michael Jackson is up to now? Boy, these really are the last days!”
5: Be on time -- the sister you are visiting’s time -- not yours plus whatever extra time you just spent on your last visit.
6: Call before you go, preferably not while on your cell phone as you pull into your visiting teaching sister's driveway.
7: Have prayer with your companion -- with your head bowed and your eyes shut, not just a mutual prayer in your hearts that all will go well while racing from house to house.
8: Never comment on a sister’s messy home, especially if her house is not as messy as your house.
9: If a sister has a wayward child, never say, “This is for the best because there is so much you can learn from this.”
10: Report to your supervisor when you return home -- she’s been waiting all month for your call!
Everything I Learned About Life I Learned While Visiting Teaching:
1: When taking a treat, make sure the treat is edible to the person being visited -- and never take a plate of treats that has just been delivered to you by your own visiting teacher.
2: Visits should be twenty minutes long, but never more than three hours.
3: Never talk about anything that is none of your business, like guessing the weight or age of other sisters in the Ward, who might be hooked on Bonko, etc.
4: Give the message on the message and never on things like “Can you believe what Michael Jackson is up to now? Boy, these really are the last days!”
5: Be on time -- the sister you are visiting’s time -- not yours plus whatever extra time you just spent on your last visit.
6: Call before you go, preferably not while on your cell phone as you pull into your visiting teaching sister's driveway.
7: Have prayer with your companion -- with your head bowed and your eyes shut, not just a mutual prayer in your hearts that all will go well while racing from house to house.
8: Never comment on a sister’s messy home, especially if her house is not as messy as your house.
9: If a sister has a wayward child, never say, “This is for the best because there is so much you can learn from this.”
10: Report to your supervisor when you return home -- she’s been waiting all month for your call!
LATE MORNING BREAKING NEWS: Mormon Horroscope, Barbie/Ken Dolls, More Everything Strange I Learned About Life I Learned..., plus Another Top Ten List
Your child’s Primary teacher will call today and ask you to teach her class this coming Sunday. Suddenly, your throat will feel very scratchy, and you will tell her that you have been feeling ill lately and need to take it easy the rest of the week because this is the type of cold that could, in a few days, lead to full-blown pneumonia, most likely by Sunday.
She will accept your explanation and you will vow silently to make up for this fabricated story somewhere else in your life, possibly by raking the leaves in your widowed mother’s lawn next fall (the ones that are still there from last year).
Throughout the day you will consume large quantities of chocolate and coke. Later, you will hear that Prince Charles is going to marry Camilla Parker Bowles, and wonder what this all means in the eternities and get a little more excited about all of the surprises that will be coming your way in the next life!
She will accept your explanation and you will vow silently to make up for this fabricated story somewhere else in your life, possibly by raking the leaves in your widowed mother’s lawn next fall (the ones that are still there from last year).
Throughout the day you will consume large quantities of chocolate and coke. Later, you will hear that Prince Charles is going to marry Camilla Parker Bowles, and wonder what this all means in the eternities and get a little more excited about all of the surprises that will be coming your way in the next life!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
THE LATEST IN BREAKING NEWS: Some of the Strangest Things I Learned About Life I Learned While Teaching Primary
(For the latest in Mormon and other products, click on the ads above)
Some of the Strangest Things
I Learned About Life
I Learned While Teaching Primary:
by Bettyanne Bruin
by Bettyanne Bruin
1: No matter how many times one team answers all of the questions correctly, both teams can win the game.
2: Folding chairs should be considered deadly weapons.
3: Reverence never begins with the Blazer B’s.
4: Any child can be quiet long enough, if given the right amount of treats.
5: Cutting off a person’s tie can make a room full of people sing louder.
6: No one waves their hand wilder than a child with the right answer.
7: The unexpected is the only thing that should be expected to happen.
8: When it comes to teachers, a lot can be hidden behind a smile.
9: It’s easier to hold eighty ping pong balls underwater at the same time than it is to get eighty children all quiet at the same time.
10: Never threaten your class more than you can explain to his or her parent.
11: Two hours can sometimes feel like ten.
12: A zoo and eighty children sometimes seem to have a lot in common.
2: Folding chairs should be considered deadly weapons.
3: Reverence never begins with the Blazer B’s.
4: Any child can be quiet long enough, if given the right amount of treats.
5: Cutting off a person’s tie can make a room full of people sing louder.
6: No one waves their hand wilder than a child with the right answer.
7: The unexpected is the only thing that should be expected to happen.
8: When it comes to teachers, a lot can be hidden behind a smile.
9: It’s easier to hold eighty ping pong balls underwater at the same time than it is to get eighty children all quiet at the same time.
10: Never threaten your class more than you can explain to his or her parent.
11: Two hours can sometimes feel like ten.
12: A zoo and eighty children sometimes seem to have a lot in common.
BREAKING NEWS: Mormon Horrorscope for Wednesday, February 9, 2005
(For the best in the Mormon products, be sure to click on the ads above.)
MORMON HORRORSCOPE FOR WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 9TH, 2005:
Today, your ancestors will again try to hint to you that they need their work done NOW, but you will again allow this thought to pass and it will lead you to another one: Should you do your home/visiting teaching this week or wait one more week? Immediately this thought (that you even considered doing your visits so early in the month) will make you feel so good about yourself that you will pull into Krispy Kreme’s for a doughnut. Unable to resist, you will buy a dozen instead. Eating all of these doughnuts will make you feel so excited about life that you will begin to count your blessings, one by one: Your wonderfully perfect wife, your nearly Celestial children, your quiet/peaceful home, all of your many dedicated friends and your unbelievably fantastic job. This thought will become interrupted by a cell phone call from your at-the-end-of-her-rope wife declaring that your son has just ditched school and is on his way to New Mexico with the neighbor (who keeps verbally stabbing you in the back to everyone)’s son and now, again, because of this and (every other hassle that has come to you on a daily basis your whole life), your job will, once again, be in jeopardy again today. You will wonder what you’ve done wrong or right to deserve all of this, throw the piece of doughnut you have in your hand back in the box, visualize driving across your neighbors lawn, but you can’t ‘cause your wife is the Relief Society President, and then figure, oh well, here you must go-- again today-- on another one of life’s journey called, “Enduring to the Very End and Beyond.”
(Coming up: More Mormon Barbie and Ken dolls)
MORMON HORRORSCOPE FOR WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 9TH, 2005:
Today, your ancestors will again try to hint to you that they need their work done NOW, but you will again allow this thought to pass and it will lead you to another one: Should you do your home/visiting teaching this week or wait one more week? Immediately this thought (that you even considered doing your visits so early in the month) will make you feel so good about yourself that you will pull into Krispy Kreme’s for a doughnut. Unable to resist, you will buy a dozen instead. Eating all of these doughnuts will make you feel so excited about life that you will begin to count your blessings, one by one: Your wonderfully perfect wife, your nearly Celestial children, your quiet/peaceful home, all of your many dedicated friends and your unbelievably fantastic job. This thought will become interrupted by a cell phone call from your at-the-end-of-her-rope wife declaring that your son has just ditched school and is on his way to New Mexico with the neighbor (who keeps verbally stabbing you in the back to everyone)’s son and now, again, because of this and (every other hassle that has come to you on a daily basis your whole life), your job will, once again, be in jeopardy again today. You will wonder what you’ve done wrong or right to deserve all of this, throw the piece of doughnut you have in your hand back in the box, visualize driving across your neighbors lawn, but you can’t ‘cause your wife is the Relief Society President, and then figure, oh well, here you must go-- again today-- on another one of life’s journey called, “Enduring to the Very End and Beyond.”
(Coming up: More Mormon Barbie and Ken dolls)
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
BBBRRREEEAAAKKKIIINNNGGG NNNEEEWWWSSS !!! Top Ten Things Every Scoutmaster Hopes to Find in the Celstial Kingdom
TOP TEN THINGS EVERY SCOUTMASTER HOPES TO FIND IN THE CELESTIAL KINGDOM (especially right after he’s just arrived home from scout camp):
1: No scouts
2: No campfires
3: No hot dogs and/or soggy buns
4: No mud
5: No bears
6: No medical release forms
7: No ticks or mosquitoes
8: No dirty underwear
9: No other Scout leaders
10: Lots and lots fresh, clean hot water and home-cooked meals
1: No scouts
2: No campfires
3: No hot dogs and/or soggy buns
4: No mud
5: No bears
6: No medical release forms
7: No ticks or mosquitoes
8: No dirty underwear
9: No other Scout leaders
10: Lots and lots fresh, clean hot water and home-cooked meals
BREAKING NEWS: EXCLUSIVELY AT HAPPY JELLY BEANS--THE WORLD'S FIRST AND ONLY SITE FOR FRESH, DAILY MORMON HORRORSCOPES!!!
MORMON HORRORSCOPES!!!
WOW!!!
NOW, EVERY DAY YOU CAN KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOUR DAY WILL BE!!!
Take all the guesswork out of life
with
MORMON HORRORSCOPES!!!
"My husband and I love Mormon Horrorscopes! They've changed our lives forever!" says someone from LaVerkin.
"My dayplanner is easier to fill out now that I know what my day will be like with Mormon Horrorscopes." confesses a professional in Washington D.C.
Mormon Horrorscope for February 8, 2005: Either the same child as yesterday, or one of your many other children, will be mad at you again today, saying they can’t believe they picked you in the pre-existence. Later, while driving in your car, your mind will wander and, for a split second, you will wonder what it would be like if the second coming really did happen today. You will have so many good ideas about this subject that you start creating a church talk you believe you might give some day, should you suddenly be called out of the audience and asked to speak. Then, suddenly, you are cut off by a rude driver and almost yell an obscenity, until you remember you are teaching a class tonight on forgiveness. You decide you need a drink. After taking the last sip of the Big Gulp you just bought at 7/11, you suddenly feel guilty, and resolve to quit drinking so much caffeine. This thought causes you to turn the car around and refill your Big Gulp just in case you can’t get back there later. You eat too much dinner tonight, and then you become horrified by the late night news and comment to the person sitting next to you that, even you can't believe it but, these really must be the last days.
MORMON HORRORSCOPES!!!
"My husband and I love Mormon Horrorscopes! They've changed our lives forever!" says someone from LaVerkin.
"My dayplanner is easier to fill out now that I know what my day will be like with Mormon Horrorscopes." confesses a professional in Washington D.C.
Mormon Horrorscope for February 8, 2005: Either the same child as yesterday, or one of your many other children, will be mad at you again today, saying they can’t believe they picked you in the pre-existence. Later, while driving in your car, your mind will wander and, for a split second, you will wonder what it would be like if the second coming really did happen today. You will have so many good ideas about this subject that you start creating a church talk you believe you might give some day, should you suddenly be called out of the audience and asked to speak. Then, suddenly, you are cut off by a rude driver and almost yell an obscenity, until you remember you are teaching a class tonight on forgiveness. You decide you need a drink. After taking the last sip of the Big Gulp you just bought at 7/11, you suddenly feel guilty, and resolve to quit drinking so much caffeine. This thought causes you to turn the car around and refill your Big Gulp just in case you can’t get back there later. You eat too much dinner tonight, and then you become horrified by the late night news and comment to the person sitting next to you that, even you can't believe it but, these really must be the last days.
Monday, February 07, 2005
BREAKING, BREAKING NEWS: 2 MORE MORMON BARBIE AND KEN DOLLS DISCOVERED!!!
Just in time for tonight:
Family Home Evening Barbie: Monday nights will never be the same with FHE Barbie, who comes complete with her own large family ready to fight (boxing gloves included). This set includes a white board, dry-erase markers, plus all-night versions of Charades and Pictionary for the kids. Have a grand old time watching FHE Barbie threaten the family with theirs lives if they don't quit fighting while she serves them homemade ice cream. A newspaper for Dad to read is also included, along with a phone that never stops ringing.
High Councilman Ken: This Ken comes with his own pulpit and massive set of endless, monotone talks. Not matter where he stands, Ken rambles on and on and on, even long after everyone has left the room. Hint: This doll has the recommendation of the worldwide medical association for being the only real solution for curing insomniacs.
Family Home Evening Barbie: Monday nights will never be the same with FHE Barbie, who comes complete with her own large family ready to fight (boxing gloves included). This set includes a white board, dry-erase markers, plus all-night versions of Charades and Pictionary for the kids. Have a grand old time watching FHE Barbie threaten the family with theirs lives if they don't quit fighting while she serves them homemade ice cream. A newspaper for Dad to read is also included, along with a phone that never stops ringing.
High Councilman Ken: This Ken comes with his own pulpit and massive set of endless, monotone talks. Not matter where he stands, Ken rambles on and on and on, even long after everyone has left the room. Hint: This doll has the recommendation of the worldwide medical association for being the only real solution for curing insomniacs.
BREAKING NEWS: FRESH OFF THE PRESS! THE VERY FIRST MORMON DICTIONARY!!!
Apostasy: Cheering for the U of U at any BYU/UofU football or basketball game.
Elder’s Quorum: Also known as the official Ward moving company.
Fasting: Consuming enough food on Saturday night to last through to the end of church on Sunday.
Personal Journal: The only book on any LDS person's bookshelf that can remain unopened for the duration of one's life.
Prayer: What every Mormon does after seeing a cop while racing to the church on Sunday morning.
Relief: Knowing you’ll never be called as a Scoutmaster of Nursery Leader.
Word of Wisdom: Great suggestions on how to live a healthy life when not overdosing on coke or chocolate.
MORE BREAKING NEWS: A FEW MORE BARBIE AND KEN DOLLS FOUND IN THE BACK ROOM!!!!
r r r r r r r r r r
MERRY CHRISTMAS, TODAY ONLY!!! For those "later-than-last- minute-Christmas-shoppers", or all of those, "must-have-their-Christmas-list-already-written-in-their-dayplanner-shoppers," we found a few more dolls in our inventory! But, hurry these dolls are going fast!
Last Days Ken: Still mad that Y2K wasn't the end of the world, this dolls comes with everything neccessary for the next possible end-of-the-world date, including his very own home generator, a 100 gallon propane tank, M2K meals for 5,000, 2 wheat silos, plus a copy of The Bible Code, and all of the writings of Nostradamus, as well as every thing else necessary to be prepared and finally get this date right!
Primary Chorister Barbie: With a smile that's painted on, a songbook in one hand and an arm that never quites swinging, this Barbie uses every trick up her sleeve to try to get the children to please sing louder -- from threatening to quit the Church to kissing each child on the lips with her bright red lip-stick to using individual state-of-the-art brain wave shock treatments, this Barbie sings like she (and only she) believes she will be the next coveted contestant on American Idol.
Basketball Ken: This Ken comes with his own attorney! Pull the string and listen endlessly as Basketball Ken brags about how he should have been in the NBA had he not accidentally turned his cell phone off during the draft. Watch Basketball Ken teach about faith, hope and charity on Sunday, then show up at his Thursday night's game "ready to rumble." See Basketball Ken get in another fight, throw all of his accessory folding chairs as he stomps off the court after what he considers to be another unfair foul. See him talk to his attorney after the game "to discuss all his options."
STAY TUNED! WE'RE STILL CHECKING THE SHELVES FOR OTHER DOLLS UNACCOUNTED FOR, PLUS BREAKING NEWS: WE HAVE JUST COME ACROSS SOME OTHER LDS CLEARANCE ITEMS:
NEVER-FAIL BLAZER B STRAIGHTJACKETS - "Now I have the most reverent class in all of Primary!"
FAST SUNDAY, SEVEN-COURSE-MEAL CHEWING GUM - "I love this gum! Ever since using this gum, I to church and can concentrate better because I don't feel hungry at all!"
LIFE-SIZED, PRIMARY TEACHER SUBSITITUE CARBOARD FIGURES - "We never have problems finding substitutes now!"
ONE-LINE-FITS-ALL ADAM AND EVE PEDIGREE CHARTS - "Our family never has to worry about their genealogy again! Now everyone can go back to Adam in one easy step."
MERRY CHRISTMAS, TODAY ONLY!!! For those "later-than-last- minute-Christmas-shoppers", or all of those, "must-have-their-Christmas-list-already-written-in-their-dayplanner-shoppers," we found a few more dolls in our inventory! But, hurry these dolls are going fast!
Last Days Ken: Still mad that Y2K wasn't the end of the world, this dolls comes with everything neccessary for the next possible end-of-the-world date, including his very own home generator, a 100 gallon propane tank, M2K meals for 5,000, 2 wheat silos, plus a copy of The Bible Code, and all of the writings of Nostradamus, as well as every thing else necessary to be prepared and finally get this date right!
Primary Chorister Barbie: With a smile that's painted on, a songbook in one hand and an arm that never quites swinging, this Barbie uses every trick up her sleeve to try to get the children to please sing louder -- from threatening to quit the Church to kissing each child on the lips with her bright red lip-stick to using individual state-of-the-art brain wave shock treatments, this Barbie sings like she (and only she) believes she will be the next coveted contestant on American Idol.
Basketball Ken: This Ken comes with his own attorney! Pull the string and listen endlessly as Basketball Ken brags about how he should have been in the NBA had he not accidentally turned his cell phone off during the draft. Watch Basketball Ken teach about faith, hope and charity on Sunday, then show up at his Thursday night's game "ready to rumble." See Basketball Ken get in another fight, throw all of his accessory folding chairs as he stomps off the court after what he considers to be another unfair foul. See him talk to his attorney after the game "to discuss all his options."
STAY TUNED! WE'RE STILL CHECKING THE SHELVES FOR OTHER DOLLS UNACCOUNTED FOR, PLUS BREAKING NEWS: WE HAVE JUST COME ACROSS SOME OTHER LDS CLEARANCE ITEMS:
NEVER-FAIL BLAZER B STRAIGHTJACKETS - "Now I have the most reverent class in all of Primary!"
FAST SUNDAY, SEVEN-COURSE-MEAL CHEWING GUM - "I love this gum! Ever since using this gum, I to church and can concentrate better because I don't feel hungry at all!"
LIFE-SIZED, PRIMARY TEACHER SUBSITITUE CARBOARD FIGURES - "We never have problems finding substitutes now!"
ONE-LINE-FITS-ALL ADAM AND EVE PEDIGREE CHARTS - "Our family never has to worry about their genealogy again! Now everyone can go back to Adam in one easy step."
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