Friday, March 25, 2005
LEADING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS EVERY CHORISTER HOPES TO FIND IN HEAVEN
TOP TEN THINGS EVERY CHORISTER
HOPES TO FIND IN HEAVEN
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A chapel filled with everyone singing on key.
No one ever blurting a note out early.
No one singing too soft or too loud.
Hymn book page numbers that never fall off the wall rack.
A music stand that never slips down.
Clothes that never have holes in the underarms.
Enough time to sing every verse of a song (including “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief”).
To never get laryngitis.
Other choristers.
An accompanist named Beethoven.
(The answer to yesterday's blog was #2)
Thursday, March 24, 2005
APPROPRIATE BREAKING NEWS: 10 THINGS TO NEVER SAY OR DO WHILE GIVING A CHURCH
10 ThiNgS tO nEvEr SaY oR dO
wHiLe GiViNg A cHuRcH tAlK:
(bY bEtTyAnNe BrUiN)
1. Never ever chew gum while giving a church talk, especially if that talk is the bearing of your testimony on Fast Sunday.
2. Never say in your church talk that you have just heard by way of radio on your way to church that the Second Coming is finally here.
3. Never mention in your church talk the horrific crime you once committed that you are grateful you’ve finally been forgiven for.
4. Never mention in your talk church the names of other Ward member you are proud of because they’ve just about kicked their drinking problem.
5. Never say in your church talk that the only way you can really express your testimony is to compare your testimony to your favorite Country Western song, and then play that Country Western song CD to the audience to prove your point.
6. Never give a forty-minute church talk, then, for those in the audience who do not speak English, read your entire church talk over again in Spanish.
7. Never say in your church talk how blessed you are that the other day, when the police showed up just in time to escort your abusive husband out of the house, that peace was once again restored in your home.
8. Never give a church talk holding your sick, two-year-old toddler in your arms because you are too compassionate to leave him in the arms of anyone else.
9. Never confess in your church that you suddenly feel humbled enough to admit you’ve been committing a horrific and very offensive sin.
10. Never say in your church talk that, as a visual aid, you would like to now show the effects of sin -- and then take off your suitcoat and expose to the audience your brand new white church shirt that has been totally ripped up and dragged through so much dirt that it is now filthy dirty.
(Footnote: Nine of these stories are true. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out which one isn't. )
wHiLe GiViNg A cHuRcH tAlK:
(bY bEtTyAnNe BrUiN)
1. Never ever chew gum while giving a church talk, especially if that talk is the bearing of your testimony on Fast Sunday.
2. Never say in your church talk that you have just heard by way of radio on your way to church that the Second Coming is finally here.
3. Never mention in your church talk the horrific crime you once committed that you are grateful you’ve finally been forgiven for.
4. Never mention in your talk church the names of other Ward member you are proud of because they’ve just about kicked their drinking problem.
5. Never say in your church talk that the only way you can really express your testimony is to compare your testimony to your favorite Country Western song, and then play that Country Western song CD to the audience to prove your point.
6. Never give a forty-minute church talk, then, for those in the audience who do not speak English, read your entire church talk over again in Spanish.
7. Never say in your church talk how blessed you are that the other day, when the police showed up just in time to escort your abusive husband out of the house, that peace was once again restored in your home.
8. Never give a church talk holding your sick, two-year-old toddler in your arms because you are too compassionate to leave him in the arms of anyone else.
9. Never confess in your church that you suddenly feel humbled enough to admit you’ve been committing a horrific and very offensive sin.
10. Never say in your church talk that, as a visual aid, you would like to now show the effects of sin -- and then take off your suitcoat and expose to the audience your brand new white church shirt that has been totally ripped up and dragged through so much dirt that it is now filthy dirty.
(Footnote: Nine of these stories are true. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out which one isn't. )
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
FOREVER BREAKING NEWS: HOW TO FIND YOUR ANCESTORS!!!
FINALLY: HOW TO FIND YOUR ANCESTORS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If lately, you've been noticing that you have more time on your hands, you might be thinking now is the time to do your genealogy. For beginners, here are a few suggestions on how to find your ancestors:
1. For a period of about thirty years, off and on throughout these years, try, with minmal effort, to somehow locate or happen to come across a LDS pedigree chart, to record what, if any, records you do have. After trying, off and on, to locate this page, give up and do something that will actually be worth more than searching for a piece of paper with increasing blank lines begging you to record information you might spend the rest of your life searching for only to find the information no longer exists.
2. Ten years later, after accidentally catching sight of a yellowed, dog-earred, soiled, wrinkled and blank pedigree chart in the bottom of the drawer of a desk that is being placed into the back of a Deseret Industries truck, proudly place the chart in a prominent place on your kitchen counter for at least five more years.
3. One day, after watching paint dry for more than three hours,
then playing with the dust in your belly button for five more, unable to think of absolutely anything more in the universe to do within the entire expanse of your exsistence, the image of your nearly disgarded pedigree chart will come to mind. With the full spirit of Elijah suddenly beginning to surge with a Super-hero zest throughout your heart, body and mind, retrieve the chart from off the kitchen counter. Pull it apart from the child’s artwork that has become glued to it with three year's worth of maple syrup and begin listing your and your parent’s full names, plus each person’s date and place of birth. With a feeling you might be on a roll that could lead you, by the end of the day, to a genealogical place just outside the Garden of Eden, move back one more generation, to your maternal and paternal grandparents. Fill in their names, then go to their dates and places of birth. Clueless regarding any of this information, right before caving into feeling the overwhelming feeling that you are a shameless, idiotic excuse for a human being, give up on all of this particular angle of nonsense, toss the pedigree chart back on the kitchen counter and go back to the wall you were first staring at and stare at it some more.
5. After ten more years of genealogical negligence, right before one of your friend’s relative passes away, this relative will have a very profound visitation from the other side, wherein specified visitor will thank relative for all of the genealogy particular relative did for eonic generations of loved ones who have now all passed on and are awaiting their eternal glory in everlasting peace and give friend all the credit, telling him mansions galore are awaiting friend's arrival. After hearing this experience, you will feel so guilty about all of the genealogical abuse you have inflicted upon your loved ones as you picture them floating aimlessly in eternal oblivion, that you will begin to panic. This panic will not leave you alone, day or night, and you will begin to suffer from anxiety attacks. After seeking professional help, six weeks later, when your medication finally takes full effect, dig desperately through the deep pile on your kitchen sink. Unable to find the chart, grill every member of your family, making sure to accuse them of every kind of whoredoms in an effort to get your chart back.
6. Failing in the above step, now lay back on your bed and stare out the sliding glass doors of your bedroom. Eventually you will see something white jammed up against the fence. Making your way across the yard, with a prayer in your heart, you will hope it is your pedigree chart, but to no avail. What it is, is an old bill you have neglected to pay for so long that it has now turned into a civil judgment against you.
7. Unable to take it anymore, vow to never to seek out your ancestors unless they come to you personally.
8. Unable to live with this decision, get out your yellow pages phone book and call a professional genealogist to find out how much it will cost you to find your relatives. Unable to afford any of these prices, you will resign yourself to pass on this idea.
9. But, do not give up.
10. The next day, as you celebrate your eightieth birthday, sit peacefully in your rocker, telling your grandchildren all of the stories about the wonderfulness of family, and encourage them to do whatever it takes to seek out their ancestors.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If lately, you've been noticing that you have more time on your hands, you might be thinking now is the time to do your genealogy. For beginners, here are a few suggestions on how to find your ancestors:
1. For a period of about thirty years, off and on throughout these years, try, with minmal effort, to somehow locate or happen to come across a LDS pedigree chart, to record what, if any, records you do have. After trying, off and on, to locate this page, give up and do something that will actually be worth more than searching for a piece of paper with increasing blank lines begging you to record information you might spend the rest of your life searching for only to find the information no longer exists.
2. Ten years later, after accidentally catching sight of a yellowed, dog-earred, soiled, wrinkled and blank pedigree chart in the bottom of the drawer of a desk that is being placed into the back of a Deseret Industries truck, proudly place the chart in a prominent place on your kitchen counter for at least five more years.
3. One day, after watching paint dry for more than three hours,
then playing with the dust in your belly button for five more, unable to think of absolutely anything more in the universe to do within the entire expanse of your exsistence, the image of your nearly disgarded pedigree chart will come to mind. With the full spirit of Elijah suddenly beginning to surge with a Super-hero zest throughout your heart, body and mind, retrieve the chart from off the kitchen counter. Pull it apart from the child’s artwork that has become glued to it with three year's worth of maple syrup and begin listing your and your parent’s full names, plus each person’s date and place of birth. With a feeling you might be on a roll that could lead you, by the end of the day, to a genealogical place just outside the Garden of Eden, move back one more generation, to your maternal and paternal grandparents. Fill in their names, then go to their dates and places of birth. Clueless regarding any of this information, right before caving into feeling the overwhelming feeling that you are a shameless, idiotic excuse for a human being, give up on all of this particular angle of nonsense, toss the pedigree chart back on the kitchen counter and go back to the wall you were first staring at and stare at it some more.
5. After ten more years of genealogical negligence, right before one of your friend’s relative passes away, this relative will have a very profound visitation from the other side, wherein specified visitor will thank relative for all of the genealogy particular relative did for eonic generations of loved ones who have now all passed on and are awaiting their eternal glory in everlasting peace and give friend all the credit, telling him mansions galore are awaiting friend's arrival. After hearing this experience, you will feel so guilty about all of the genealogical abuse you have inflicted upon your loved ones as you picture them floating aimlessly in eternal oblivion, that you will begin to panic. This panic will not leave you alone, day or night, and you will begin to suffer from anxiety attacks. After seeking professional help, six weeks later, when your medication finally takes full effect, dig desperately through the deep pile on your kitchen sink. Unable to find the chart, grill every member of your family, making sure to accuse them of every kind of whoredoms in an effort to get your chart back.
6. Failing in the above step, now lay back on your bed and stare out the sliding glass doors of your bedroom. Eventually you will see something white jammed up against the fence. Making your way across the yard, with a prayer in your heart, you will hope it is your pedigree chart, but to no avail. What it is, is an old bill you have neglected to pay for so long that it has now turned into a civil judgment against you.
7. Unable to take it anymore, vow to never to seek out your ancestors unless they come to you personally.
8. Unable to live with this decision, get out your yellow pages phone book and call a professional genealogist to find out how much it will cost you to find your relatives. Unable to afford any of these prices, you will resign yourself to pass on this idea.
9. But, do not give up.
10. The next day, as you celebrate your eightieth birthday, sit peacefully in your rocker, telling your grandchildren all of the stories about the wonderfulness of family, and encourage them to do whatever it takes to seek out their ancestors.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
FUTURISTIC BREAKING NEWS: 10 THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS A MEMBER OF THE CHURCH IN THE YEAR 2025:
10 THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS A MEMBER OF THE LDS CHURCH IN THE YEAR 2005:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - NEW LDS JEWELRY to be made from all of the ingredients extracted from Funeral Potatoes!
2 - TWO YEARS SUPPLY OF FOOD STORAGE now available that fits in the palm of your hand!
3 - Finally, SCRAPBOOKING island is incorporated, where the only residents who can reside there spend their whole life cutting and pasting together their life in an endless set of three-ringed binders!
4 - First Purple Heart awarded to a SCOUT LEADER!
5 - Complete reverence achieved as PRIMARY meeting is shortened to only three minutes long!
6 - Candy and soda vending machines finally installed in all CHURCH foyers!
7 - After years of demands, WARD BASKETBALL season is finally replaced with ice hockey!
8 - YOUNG WOMEN'S Leaders are being warned against unseemly behavior as arrangements are made for Girl’s Camps to be held at The New Mauian Island Hotel and the leaders are unable to agree on who gets to go!
9 - PINEWOOD DERBY Dad is sentenced to 1 to 15 years in prison for bombing a Pine Wood Derby shop that PWD Dad felt intentionally sold him a flawed car that caused him to lose the race!
10 - 100 percent Home Teaching is finally achieved as a way is finally developed for home teachers to visit all of their families while asleep in their beds at night!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - NEW LDS JEWELRY to be made from all of the ingredients extracted from Funeral Potatoes!
2 - TWO YEARS SUPPLY OF FOOD STORAGE now available that fits in the palm of your hand!
3 - Finally, SCRAPBOOKING island is incorporated, where the only residents who can reside there spend their whole life cutting and pasting together their life in an endless set of three-ringed binders!
4 - First Purple Heart awarded to a SCOUT LEADER!
5 - Complete reverence achieved as PRIMARY meeting is shortened to only three minutes long!
6 - Candy and soda vending machines finally installed in all CHURCH foyers!
7 - After years of demands, WARD BASKETBALL season is finally replaced with ice hockey!
8 - YOUNG WOMEN'S Leaders are being warned against unseemly behavior as arrangements are made for Girl’s Camps to be held at The New Mauian Island Hotel and the leaders are unable to agree on who gets to go!
9 - PINEWOOD DERBY Dad is sentenced to 1 to 15 years in prison for bombing a Pine Wood Derby shop that PWD Dad felt intentionally sold him a flawed car that caused him to lose the race!
10 - 100 percent Home Teaching is finally achieved as a way is finally developed for home teachers to visit all of their families while asleep in their beds at night!
Monday, March 21, 2005
WaH-wAh BrEaKiNg NeWs: LdS NuRsErY LaWs
LdS NuRsErY LaWs:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The redder the punch, the more likely it will be to spill on a nursery child’s expensive new outfit.
Messy diapers are always connected with a parent coming to pick up their perfect child.
The more time spent on a lesson, the less likely the children will be to like it.
Illnesses usually surface at the end of every two-hour nursery session.
The lower your tolerance level, the higher a screaming baby's pitch will be.
No matter how hard you try, every child will eventually be hit by every toy.
Children will only sneeze on the Sundays where Kleenex are not available.
The greatest carrier of germs is not the children, but their nursery toys and blankets.
If a child is sick, soon you will be too.
Even though you expend more energy than the rest of the Ward combined, barely anyone in the Ward even knows you exist.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The redder the punch, the more likely it will be to spill on a nursery child’s expensive new outfit.
Messy diapers are always connected with a parent coming to pick up their perfect child.
The more time spent on a lesson, the less likely the children will be to like it.
Illnesses usually surface at the end of every two-hour nursery session.
The lower your tolerance level, the higher a screaming baby's pitch will be.
No matter how hard you try, every child will eventually be hit by every toy.
Children will only sneeze on the Sundays where Kleenex are not available.
The greatest carrier of germs is not the children, but their nursery toys and blankets.
If a child is sick, soon you will be too.
Even though you expend more energy than the rest of the Ward combined, barely anyone in the Ward even knows you exist.
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