10 ThiNgS tO nEvEr SaY oR dO
wHiLe GiViNg A cHuRcH tAlK:
(bY bEtTyAnNe BrUiN)
1. Never ever chew gum while giving a church talk, especially if that talk is the bearing of your testimony on Fast Sunday.
2. Never say in your church talk that you have just heard by way of radio on your way to church that the Second Coming is finally here.
3. Never mention in your church talk the horrific crime you once committed that you are grateful you’ve finally been forgiven for.
4. Never mention in your talk church the names of other Ward member you are proud of because they’ve just about kicked their drinking problem.
5. Never say in your church talk that the only way you can really express your testimony is to compare your testimony to your favorite Country Western song, and then play that Country Western song CD to the audience to prove your point.
6. Never give a forty-minute church talk, then, for those in the audience who do not speak English, read your entire church talk over again in Spanish.
7. Never say in your church talk how blessed you are that the other day, when the police showed up just in time to escort your abusive husband out of the house, that peace was once again restored in your home.
8. Never give a church talk holding your sick, two-year-old toddler in your arms because you are too compassionate to leave him in the arms of anyone else.
9. Never confess in your church that you suddenly feel humbled enough to admit you’ve been committing a horrific and very offensive sin.
10. Never say in your church talk that, as a visual aid, you would like to now show the effects of sin -- and then take off your suitcoat and expose to the audience your brand new white church shirt that has been totally ripped up and dragged through so much dirt that it is now filthy dirty.
(Footnote: Nine of these stories are true. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out which one isn't. )
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