Friday, April 29, 2005
SCARY BREAKING NEWS: LDS STATEMENTS THAT ACTUALLY CONFUSE AND/OR SCARE NON-LDS PEOPLE
LDS Statements That Actually Confuse and/or Scare non LDS People
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
"Meet us at the stake. We’re having a fireside.”
“How would you like to help us do work for the dead?”
“My Ward is filled with so many crazy brothers and sisters.”
“It’s not easy for the Ward clerk to keep up with of all of them”
“But some brothers and sisters choose to go to the Institute instead of the Ward, so that helps.”
“Others prefer to attend the stake.”
“While others meet at a branch.”
“Fast offerings sometimes come in slowly but sure do help a lot of people.”
“Not obeying the Word of Wisdom could kill you.”
“Everyone knows... the best fire insurance policy to have is to pay your tithing!”
Thursday, April 28, 2005
ACID-FREE BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO BE A SCRAPBOOKIER
Signs You Weren’t Meant to be a Scrapbooker:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The one time you did try scrapbooking, you used super glue instead of acid-free glue.
When it comes to scrapbooking, you can’t recall having enough fond memories.
You thought a die-cut was a type of hairstyle.
You’re afraid that your descendants will look back at your scrapbook and wonder what your I.Q. was.
Every time you think about scrapbooking, you break out in hives.
All you have to show for the years and years that you’ve thought about scrapbooking, is a drawer filled with under-developed film.
Your idea of scrapbooking is that someone someday will put together all of the historical papers you’ve saved… long after you’ve passed on.
You suffer from binderaphobia: the fear of opening the three rings of the binder.
You refuse to ever be accused of out-gassing anyone. (Out-gassing is a scrapbooking term used to define the gases emitted by some scrapbooking materials).
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The one time you did try scrapbooking, you used super glue instead of acid-free glue.
When it comes to scrapbooking, you can’t recall having enough fond memories.
You thought a die-cut was a type of hairstyle.
You’re afraid that your descendants will look back at your scrapbook and wonder what your I.Q. was.
Every time you think about scrapbooking, you break out in hives.
All you have to show for the years and years that you’ve thought about scrapbooking, is a drawer filled with under-developed film.
Your idea of scrapbooking is that someone someday will put together all of the historical papers you’ve saved… long after you’ve passed on.
You suffer from binderaphobia: the fear of opening the three rings of the binder.
You refuse to ever be accused of out-gassing anyone. (Out-gassing is a scrapbooking term used to define the gases emitted by some scrapbooking materials).
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
COMEDY CENTRAL BREAKING NEWS: LDS JOKES
LDS JOKES:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
What do you call a Primary child who’s been gagged and handcuffed?
Reverent.
What does it mean when a LDS home is void of chocolate?
It’s time to go out and buy more.
Why do only 10% of Mormons sing in church?
Because if they all did, it wouldn’t be called singing.
Why do Mormon men and women marry?
Because there must be opposition in all things.
How is a Relief Society sister like Jello?
She’s sweet, her life is colorful and the longer she sits the thicker around the middle she gets.
How does a High Priest exercise his biceps?
By holding his head up while sleeping in church.
What does every worthy young Mormon man hope to get out of a service project?
Food.
How do Mormons plan for the future?
By purchasing two cases of Coke instead of one.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
STICKY BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS BUMPER STICKERS
MoSt PoPuLaR LdS BuMpEr StIcKeRs!!!
(By BeTtYaNnE BrUiN)
I’m FaStiNg ToDaY, tHeReFoRe I’m iRriTabLe!
HoNk AnD wAkE uP aNoThEr HiGh PriEsT!
My AnCeStOrS aRe WaY uGliEr ThAn YoUr aNcesToRs!
So MaNy BaSkEtBaLL gAmEs, sO fEw aTtOrNeYs!
SoMeWhErE iN tHe ChUrCh, aNoThEr ScOuTmAsTeR iS qUiTtiNg!
I’vE gOt nOtHiNg AgAiNsT sCrApBoOkiNg, iT’s pErSoNaL hiStOriEs I cAn’T sTaNd!
SaVe A cHaPeL sEaT, oFfEnD aLL tHe oThEr WaRd mEmBeRs!
KeEp CaLLiNg Me aBoUt ThE mAgAziNe DriVe, I’m ReLoAdiNg!
PrOuD pArEnT oF a VeRy oBnOxiOuS PriMaRy cHiLd!
HoW’s mY dRiViNg? CaLL 1-800-WoN't- eVeR-Be-LaTe-T0-ChUrCh-aGaiN!
HuRrY aNd sAy tHe PrAyEr, ThErE’s PeOpLe StArViNg at this table!
My OtHeR cAr iS a sChOoL bUs!
(By BeTtYaNnE BrUiN)
I’m FaStiNg ToDaY, tHeReFoRe I’m iRriTabLe!
HoNk AnD wAkE uP aNoThEr HiGh PriEsT!
My AnCeStOrS aRe WaY uGliEr ThAn YoUr aNcesToRs!
So MaNy BaSkEtBaLL gAmEs, sO fEw aTtOrNeYs!
SoMeWhErE iN tHe ChUrCh, aNoThEr ScOuTmAsTeR iS qUiTtiNg!
I’vE gOt nOtHiNg AgAiNsT sCrApBoOkiNg, iT’s pErSoNaL hiStOriEs I cAn’T sTaNd!
SaVe A cHaPeL sEaT, oFfEnD aLL tHe oThEr WaRd mEmBeRs!
KeEp CaLLiNg Me aBoUt ThE mAgAziNe DriVe, I’m ReLoAdiNg!
PrOuD pArEnT oF a VeRy oBnOxiOuS PriMaRy cHiLd!
HoW’s mY dRiViNg? CaLL 1-800-WoN't- eVeR-Be-LaTe-T0-ChUrCh-aGaiN!
HuRrY aNd sAy tHe PrAyEr, ThErE’s PeOpLe StArViNg at this table!
My OtHeR cAr iS a sChOoL bUs!
Monday, April 25, 2005
STAKE BREAKING NEWS: THINGS OVERHEARD AT A LDS STAKE CONFERENCE!!!
TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT A LDS STAKE CONFERENCE!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
What month did you say this meeting's going to be over?
How many times do I have to tell you, turn down the volume of that palm-TV!
No. That was the tenth time you’ve trampled over the Jensen’s to get a drink, now no more drinks.
Do not flash your hand mirror at the speakers again.
Okay, you can play that dot to dot game … but stop shouting every time you win.
Quit giving our Lifesavers out to the whole row. Just politely lean over and whishper for them to bring their own.
Okay, you can write notes, but no, you can’t make paper airplanes out of them and shoot them to deliver them.
Yes, this meeting feels like it’s ten hours long, but I promise you, I’m not lying, it’s only two.
The floor around our chairs is beginning to look like the floor of a movie theater.
I said you could play cards, but I thought you meant Old Maid, not poker.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
What month did you say this meeting's going to be over?
How many times do I have to tell you, turn down the volume of that palm-TV!
No. That was the tenth time you’ve trampled over the Jensen’s to get a drink, now no more drinks.
Do not flash your hand mirror at the speakers again.
Okay, you can play that dot to dot game … but stop shouting every time you win.
Quit giving our Lifesavers out to the whole row. Just politely lean over and whishper for them to bring their own.
Okay, you can write notes, but no, you can’t make paper airplanes out of them and shoot them to deliver them.
Yes, this meeting feels like it’s ten hours long, but I promise you, I’m not lying, it’s only two.
The floor around our chairs is beginning to look like the floor of a movie theater.
I said you could play cards, but I thought you meant Old Maid, not poker.
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