Nagging Words
From the Mothers
of People From the Book of Mormon
(Can you guess who each one is?)
(By Bettyane Bruin)
“I told you not to set down that bow! Every time you do, you forget where you put it, you step on it and then break it!”
“If you don’t start keeping better track of your things, some day you’re gonna lose your own head!”
“Why can’t you have a better sense of direction? Ever since I’ve know you, you’re always getting lost!”
“You buried what? Where?”
“If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fire!”
“You can talk and you can hear, so sit up.”
“You traveled in the sea by the way of what? And you could see by the light of five what?”
“You’re going to follow a group of men to the desert and marry them? Are you crazy?”
“Quit waving that flag so hard. You’re gonna hit somebody!”
“It’s nice you prayed all night, but where’s the beast you promised you’d bring home?”
“You and your secrets. Some day they're all going to combine up against you!”
Friday, July 15, 2005
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
PRIMARY BREAKING NEWS: WHY HEAVEN LIKES PRIMARY CHILDREN THE BEST
Why Heaven Likes Primary Children the Best:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
STARVING BREAKING NEWS: The Official LDS Fast Sunday Diet
The Official LDS Fast Sunday Diet
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
6 a.m.: No food.
7 a.m.: No food at all.
8 a.m.: Even more no food.
9 a.m.: No food still.
10 a.m.: NO food.
11 a.m.: NO FOOD!
12 p.m.: Still absolutely no food enters mouth.
1 p.m.: No intake of food between lips remains at an all-time high.
2 p.m.: Brain still registering that zero amount of food intake is still occurring.
3 p.m.: Absolutely nothing enters the mouth, still, food wise.
4 p.m.: NO, NO, NO, NO FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!
5 p.m: Where the h&#! is the d@*! food?
5:57 p.m.: Convinced dehydration is compromising system, upon entering house after church, a small amount of water is consumed.
5:58: Two Oreo cookies, sitting on the counter, are inadvertently placed in mouth.
5:59 p.m.: A handful of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, otherwise despised on any other day, is now rapidly consumed.
6:00 p.m.: To the Amen, the first bite of roast, dipped in gravy is eaten.
From 6:01 to 7 p.m.:
One pound of roast dipped in three cups of gravy.
One baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Another baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Four homemade rolls.
Six heaping spoonfuls of Jell-O Salad mixed with Cool Whip and fruit.
Ten glasses of iced Soda.
Cooked carrots and butter bowl licked clean.
8 p.m.: Leftovers from yesterday’s dinner consumed.
9 p.m.: Bowl of cereal missed during morning fast now consumed.
10 p.m.: Eleven brownies, last three brownies in a bowl with ice cream and hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream and cherry.
11 p.m.: Two tablespoons Pepto Bismal
2 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal
5 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal.
"After trying everything to put on weight, I finally tried this diet for twele months (and I'm not even Mormon).I put on nearly forty-five pounds, which was good, 'cause the doctor said if I didn't put on any weight, something bad might happen to me. Thanks, LDS Official Fast Sunday diet!" a satsified person in Utah.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
6 a.m.: No food.
7 a.m.: No food at all.
8 a.m.: Even more no food.
9 a.m.: No food still.
10 a.m.: NO food.
11 a.m.: NO FOOD!
12 p.m.: Still absolutely no food enters mouth.
1 p.m.: No intake of food between lips remains at an all-time high.
2 p.m.: Brain still registering that zero amount of food intake is still occurring.
3 p.m.: Absolutely nothing enters the mouth, still, food wise.
4 p.m.: NO, NO, NO, NO FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!
5 p.m: Where the h&#! is the d@*! food?
5:57 p.m.: Convinced dehydration is compromising system, upon entering house after church, a small amount of water is consumed.
5:58: Two Oreo cookies, sitting on the counter, are inadvertently placed in mouth.
5:59 p.m.: A handful of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, otherwise despised on any other day, is now rapidly consumed.
6:00 p.m.: To the Amen, the first bite of roast, dipped in gravy is eaten.
From 6:01 to 7 p.m.:
One pound of roast dipped in three cups of gravy.
One baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Another baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Four homemade rolls.
Six heaping spoonfuls of Jell-O Salad mixed with Cool Whip and fruit.
Ten glasses of iced Soda.
Cooked carrots and butter bowl licked clean.
8 p.m.: Leftovers from yesterday’s dinner consumed.
9 p.m.: Bowl of cereal missed during morning fast now consumed.
10 p.m.: Eleven brownies, last three brownies in a bowl with ice cream and hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream and cherry.
11 p.m.: Two tablespoons Pepto Bismal
2 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal
5 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal.
"After trying everything to put on weight, I finally tried this diet for twele months (and I'm not even Mormon).I put on nearly forty-five pounds, which was good, 'cause the doctor said if I didn't put on any weight, something bad might happen to me. Thanks, LDS Official Fast Sunday diet!" a satsified person in Utah.
Monday, July 11, 2005
FAMILIAL BREAKING NEWS: INGREDIENTS FOR A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY HOME EVENING
Ingredients for a Successful Family Home Evening:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: 1 to 100 family members, each carrying some type of challenge that keeps them one fight short of a complete nervous breakdown.
Second: 1 homemade treat, preferably homemade ice cream, S’mores, Rice Krispie treats, brownies or that 9X13 cake with holes punched in it dripping with caramel and Cool Whip on top.
Third: 1 clock, totally in bird’s eye of Father, so he hawk-eye it enough to know when the second arrives to announce that the prearranged time of twenty minutes has arrived and FHE is over or else.
Fourth: 1 newspaper nearby for father to eye over and/or sneak onto lap.
Fifth: 1 time-out chair, empty and ready to go, so Father can stand and point while ordering disobedient child go there or else.
Instructions:
1. Yell for family to gather.
2. Threaten to ground those family members who take too long to gather, including 90 year-old Grandpa who now lives with the family.
3. Have an opening prayer.
4. Ask if there is any family business.
5. At 10 p.m., after the last fight has finally ended, have a closing prayer,
or, if there is no family business:
play hangman to introduce lesson theme, attempt to give as much of the lesson as possible before the huge, out of control, FHE-ending fight breaks out.
6. Have a closing prayer.
7. Servethe treat.
8. Make assignments for next Monday’s FHE.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: 1 to 100 family members, each carrying some type of challenge that keeps them one fight short of a complete nervous breakdown.
Second: 1 homemade treat, preferably homemade ice cream, S’mores, Rice Krispie treats, brownies or that 9X13 cake with holes punched in it dripping with caramel and Cool Whip on top.
Third: 1 clock, totally in bird’s eye of Father, so he hawk-eye it enough to know when the second arrives to announce that the prearranged time of twenty minutes has arrived and FHE is over or else.
Fourth: 1 newspaper nearby for father to eye over and/or sneak onto lap.
Fifth: 1 time-out chair, empty and ready to go, so Father can stand and point while ordering disobedient child go there or else.
Instructions:
1. Yell for family to gather.
2. Threaten to ground those family members who take too long to gather, including 90 year-old Grandpa who now lives with the family.
3. Have an opening prayer.
4. Ask if there is any family business.
5. At 10 p.m., after the last fight has finally ended, have a closing prayer,
or, if there is no family business:
play hangman to introduce lesson theme, attempt to give as much of the lesson as possible before the huge, out of control, FHE-ending fight breaks out.
6. Have a closing prayer.
7. Servethe treat.
8. Make assignments for next Monday’s FHE.
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