YEE-HA BREAKING NEWS: PIONEER GREETING CARDS!!!

Yee-ha! Pioneer greeting cards, just in time for the 24th!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


Count Your Blessings:

May your hive always be filled with honey.

May your whore hound candy dish always be o’erflowing.

May your cabin not be completely overwhelmed with dirt.

May the seagulls continue to get rid of all those crickets.

Be grateful…things could be worse…

We could be cavemen!

Happy New Year!!!

Knowing that in this wonderful time period in which we live,

That there are barely forty years to a person’s life,

Enjoy each New Year to the fullest

‘Cause there aren’t very many of them to come around.

From the first time I saw in your full-length gown and bonnet,

I’ve dreamed of shaking your hand.

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!



Congratulations on arriving in the valley.

You did a great job crossing the plains.

All that work and sweat and tears,

And pulling that handcart too.

Happy, 8th birthday, son!!!



Happy Halloween.

Isn’t it nice knowing

That someday,

A whole generation of people

Will dress up like you

And go door to door,

Making people laugh at how funny they look

And give them candy as a thank you

For a moment of sheer entertainment.




Happy Thanksgiving!!!

It’s nice that after all those mornings with nothing but mush in the cabin,

and all of those daily potato cake suppers,

That at least one day a year

We get to eat a seven-course meal.


Christmas is one gift under the tree.

Christmas is stockings made of Dad's old socks, hanging from the hearth.

Christmas is a tender roast from the cow we just killed.

Christmas is snuggling together to keep from freezing to death.

Christmas is taking that once-a-month bath.

Ah, Christmas…the best time of year.

COMMERCIALLY FANTASTIC BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS!!!

FINALLY: THE HALL OF FAME OF THE MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS:

Have it your frickin’ way.

A little dab of genealogy’ll do ya.

It’s scrapbooking time!

Reach out and home teach someone.

Can you hear me snore now?

The chorister is ready when you are.

Let your missionaries do the teaching.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a Relief Society is.

When you care enough to teach the very best.

Got genealogy?

AIRHEAD BREAKING NEWS: LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES

LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES
(By Bettyanne also the Blonde Bruin)

A blonde was sitting next to a brunette at church singing, We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.
When they got to the fifth before the last stanza of the last verse, the one blonde leaned over to the brunette and said, “That chorister doesn’t look pregnant to me.”
The brunette said, 'And we know that deliverance is nigh,’ isn’t talking about pregnancy, it’s talking about being delivered from evil!”


After church, the blonde goes to choir practice. At the end of practice, the blonde asks a fellow choir member for a ride home. When they arrive at the blonde’s residence, the blonde’s car is not in the driveway. The blonde exclaims, “My car!” to which the woman driving her home says, “Where’s your car? Has it been stolen?” “No,” the blonde replies. “I just remembered: I drove to choir practice today.”


What’s the difference between a blonde and the daughters of Ishmael?

The daughters of Ishmael had to walk everywhere they went.


A daughter of Ishmael walks around Zarahemla, carrying a pig under one arm.

A man, passing by, says, “Where’d you get that?”

The pig says, “I won her at a town raffle.”



Why couldn’t the dumb blonde watch Abinadi burn in the fire?

‘Cause she was afraid the bright lights might hurt her eyes.



What did the dumb blonde say to Nephi when his brothers had bound and gagged him?

That sure looks like strong rope.



What did the dumb blonde say when she saw Samuel standing on the city wall?

I never knew there was a wall there.



Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to walk to Zarahemla?

She saw a sign saying: "Zarahelma Left" so she went home.

What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and when Alma the Younger was struck dumb?

Alma the Younger was laying down.