DYING BREAKING NEWS: EPITAPHS FOR LDS PEOPLE

EPTIAPHS FOR LDS PEOPLE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

LDS Genealogist: Finally able to locate
that one relative
whose records were burned
in the 1890 fire.

LDS Home Teacher: Tell all my families
I won’t be visiting them
this month either.

LDS High Priest: Every Sunday in High Priest’s Quorum,
I practiced for this moment.

LDS Ward Clerk: Gone to Heaven to count souls.

LDS Primary Teacher: I just hope they serve good treats there.

LDS Nursery Leaders: Even if I go to hell, it can’t be any worse
than where I’ve just been.

LDS Relief Society President: Goin’ to eat that great casserole in the sky.

LDS Basketball Player: Hopefully they have good refs there.

LDS Sunday School: Thank goodness I'll never
have to find another substitute again.

BREAKING NEWS: APPLICATION TO BE A SCOUTMASTER

Application to be a Scoutmaster:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:___/___/___ Height:_____
Weight:_____I.Q.:______ G.P.A.:______
Soc. Sec.#______-___-____
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Current felony convictions: Yes___No____
Time spent in prison?_____ Explain:_______
Home Address or P.O. Box:_______________ City/State/Zip_______________________
Cell phone number:________________
Best time to call, when cell phone is not subject to disconnection:___________

Do you own any of the following:
a. Gun?____
b. Rifle?____
c. Machine gun?_____
d. Hand grenades?____
e. Nuclear weapons?_____
f. Beebee gun?_____
g. Bow/arrows?_____
h. Stun gun?_____
i. Mace?______
j. Numchucks?_____
k. Matches?_____
l. Gasoline?_____
m. Fertilizer?______
n. Large rocks?_____

Do you have any of the following:
a. Tatoos_____
b. Fatigues______
c. Caps that sit too high on head______

Favorite swear word?_____________
How often used?______________
Under what conditions?______________

(Please know that answering YES to any
of the above questions, will not disqualify
you from being a Scoutmaster.
This form is a necessary requirement
so the scouts and parents can get to know
you better.)

In 30 words or less,
what does the word "LOST" mean to you? _______________________________
In 30 words or less,
what do the words "KEEP AN EYE ON ALL
SCOUTS AT ALL TIMES” mean to you? ______________________________

Please feel free to all of the following questions freely.
All answers are confidential.

a. If a Scout is lost or injured while under your care,
and you were beaten as a result,
the last bone you would like broken is: __________________________________

b. The one thing you hope this application
does not ask you is:
_________________________________

PLEASE NOTE: Should any of the questions be
answered dishonestly, please continue
to fill out application. We realize everyone
has their problems and the Scouting
program has its needs.

Please agree to the following statement:

I swear that all information provided above is true
and correct to the best of my knowledge
under penalty of death, dismemberment,
electrocution, and/or being dragged
over a flaming fire pit.

_____________________________
Sign here (This means sign you.)

Thank you for your interest in the Scouting program.
As each and every application is automatically approved,
please go home and start packing. The Scouts await
your leadership and we appreciate your willingness
to take sixteen unruly boys out into the middle of nowhere,
live under dire circumstances and somehow
keep your sanity and/or willingness to seek counseling
or serve time. If there is anything we can do to help you,
please don’t bother calling us as we have had disconnected
our phones and only desire to wish you the best of luck
in your Scouting ventures.