JUST IN TIME FOR SUNDAY:
TEENAGERS-IN-THE-HALL
SUNDAY SCHOOL DETECTORS
AVAILABLE NOW:
Empty classrooms got you down? Can’t figure out where all the teenagers in your Ward have gone to? This'll never be a problem again with Teenager-in-the-hall Sunday School Detector. Your Ward will never experience teenagers sitting on the couch during Sacrament Meeting again, and no more bathroom checks either. Just simply install the unique teenage motion detector in every hall, snap the handy handheld device on your belt and wait to be notified of where your Ward’s teenagers are loitering NOW. Be ahead of the game. Don’t wait for inspiration on this one. Buy Teenager-in-the-hall Sunday School Detectors now!
Friday, March 11, 2005
Thursday, March 10, 2005
WANTED BREAKING NEWS: EVERY WARD HAS AT LEAST ONE OF THESE. DOES YOURS?
WANTED:
EVERY WARD HAS AT LEAST ONE OF THESE.
DOES YOURS?
Six hundred imperfect/dysfunctional/mentally unstable Ward members
One self-declared “Last Days” or “Signs of the Times” expert
One Official Sunday School Class Head Nodder (Usually sits on the front row and nods head in agreement with everything teacher says)
One Mormon Tabernacle Wanna-be (Usually a Soprano)
One “Was-supposed-to-be-in-the-Pro’s” Sport’s reject.
One Funeral Potato Specialist
One Scrapbook Perfectionado
One Obsessive Compulsive Librarian (Usually specializes in video equipment)
One Self-appointed Pew Coordinator
One Teenager-in-the-hall Security Guard (Usually serves in the Sunday School Presidency)
All of the above
If your Ward has any or all of the above-mentioned Ward members in it, DO NOT PANIC!!! In fact, do not do anything at all because your Ward is completely normal!!!
EVERY WARD HAS AT LEAST ONE OF THESE.
DOES YOURS?
Six hundred imperfect/dysfunctional/mentally unstable Ward members
One self-declared “Last Days” or “Signs of the Times” expert
One Official Sunday School Class Head Nodder (Usually sits on the front row and nods head in agreement with everything teacher says)
One Mormon Tabernacle Wanna-be (Usually a Soprano)
One “Was-supposed-to-be-in-the-Pro’s” Sport’s reject.
One Funeral Potato Specialist
One Scrapbook Perfectionado
One Obsessive Compulsive Librarian (Usually specializes in video equipment)
One Self-appointed Pew Coordinator
One Teenager-in-the-hall Security Guard (Usually serves in the Sunday School Presidency)
All of the above
If your Ward has any or all of the above-mentioned Ward members in it, DO NOT PANIC!!! In fact, do not do anything at all because your Ward is completely normal!!!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
AVAILABLE NOW BREAKING NEWS: BRAND NEW LDS PRODUCT: LDS BED IN A BAG!!!!
AVAILABLE NOW!!!!
LDS BED IN A BAG!!!
NEVER GO TO BED IMPERFECT AGAIN!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Never miss another prayer!
Read your scriptures every night!
Be ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FAITHFUL in EVERYTHING YOU DO, including doing ALL of your home/visiting teaching visits... until the Millennium comes!
With LDS Bed in a Bag’s highly effective, technologically correct and ultra-equipped sensors, LDS Bed in a Bag comes complete with:
A comforter that easily detects whether or not your home/visiting teaching has been done! If not, LDS Bed in a Bag’s sensors detect this and BANG! a piercing alarm sounds that will not allow you to wrap yourself in this comforter until everyone of your families have been visited.
Nightly prayers haven't been said? No problem with LDS Bed in a Bag’s sheets. They will shock you so badly that you won’t want to get within ten feet of these sheets until you've gotten on your knees first!
For some reason, you inadvertently tried to climb into bed without reading your scriptures first? Ha! LDS Bed in a Bag’s pillow is there to shoot massive amounts of cold water at your face until you resolve to never miss reading your scriptures again!
Even the dust ruffle has detectors! Doing your genealogy a problem? No more. Let LDS Bed in a Bag's dust ruffle trip you into remembering those ancestors.
All of this and more! Buy LDS Bed in a Bag NOW! The Second Coming is on its way!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Hi MoM BrEaKiNg NeWs: UnReCoRdEd CoMmEnTs MaDe By ThEiR MoThErS iN ThE bOoK oF MoRmOn
UNRECORDED COMMENTS MADE BY THEIR MOTHERS IN THE BOOK OF MORMON:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Get down from that wall right now, Samuel. You’re gonna get hurt!
2. Laman and Lemuel, what’s it gonna take for you to finally quit picking on your brother?
3. You really expect me to believe, Lehi, that you just woke up one morning and this thing was sitting outside the front door of our tent?
4. You lie again, Korihor, and your father and I are gonna wash your mouth out with soap.
5. I mean it this time, Enos. Go to sleep!
6. Really, girls. Don’t you think it’s pretty pompous of you to believe some guys are gonna whisk through here some day, sweep you off your feet and marry all of you at once? You’ve got to be kidding!
7. After all we do for you, Laman and Lemuel, all you can do is complain!
8. Abinadi, take off those clothes. They smell like a fiery furnace!
9. You mean to tell me Moroni that you buried those plates in a mountainside and now you can’t remember where you put them?
10. Helaman, go tell your sons right now that they’d better listen to me or else!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Get down from that wall right now, Samuel. You’re gonna get hurt!
2. Laman and Lemuel, what’s it gonna take for you to finally quit picking on your brother?
3. You really expect me to believe, Lehi, that you just woke up one morning and this thing was sitting outside the front door of our tent?
4. You lie again, Korihor, and your father and I are gonna wash your mouth out with soap.
5. I mean it this time, Enos. Go to sleep!
6. Really, girls. Don’t you think it’s pretty pompous of you to believe some guys are gonna whisk through here some day, sweep you off your feet and marry all of you at once? You’ve got to be kidding!
7. After all we do for you, Laman and Lemuel, all you can do is complain!
8. Abinadi, take off those clothes. They smell like a fiery furnace!
9. You mean to tell me Moroni that you buried those plates in a mountainside and now you can’t remember where you put them?
10. Helaman, go tell your sons right now that they’d better listen to me or else!
Monday, March 07, 2005
MONDAY MORNING, BREAKING NEWS: THE ART OF PULLING OFF AN "I'M NOT HAVING A FAREWELL" FAREWELL
The Art of Pulling Off an, “I’m Not Having a Farewell” Farewell
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Mail out your annual family Christmas letter two weeks before your missionary’s farewell, even if you' ve never mailed out an annual Christmas letter before. On decorative Christmas paper, print the date, time and place of your missionary’s farewell in large, bold print across the top of the page, then go on to mention a few other happenings in the family, just to make sure the letter is officially an "official annual family Christmas letter."
2. Arrange to give the opening or closing prayer at your missionary’s farewell. Within the context of the prayer, mention how grateful you are for such things as all of your many “spiritual, mental, emotional and physical blessings, including your house, food, as well as all the many times of getting together with family and friends (then quickly whisper the words, ‘after the meeting today,’), then go on to mention the beauty of the Earth, and all of the other wonderful things we enjoy.”
3. Try to encourage your missionary to say things you would have said in your talk, (had your missionary gone on a mission ten years ago), by writing a poem or a song that can be sung about faith. Include in this poem or song, everything that builds faith in a person, including such things as a family's influence. Go ahead and within the context of this poem or song include all of the funny or unique things to get "the big Ward laugh" everyone seeks for during a mission farewell -- and you know you would have received had your missionary served a mission ten years ago--and everything else you and your family have done for your missionary.
4. During the farewell, be as teary-eyed as possible for as long as is possible, (hopefully throughout the duration of the meeting) as if you were seated on the stand, for anyone who might decide to watch you instead of your child.
5. Even though you are not speaking, be sure and go out and buy something new.
6. In the prayer you have arranged, be sure to thank everyone who has ever influenced you and/or your child your whole life, whether they are in the room (“happened” to get your “official family Christmas letter”) or not, including neighbors, friends and/or neighbor's friend's second cousins twice-removed.
7. Clean your house spotless on Saturday or Sunday, "just because it happens to need it," and because "you suddenly feel the urge to paint and recarpet." Be sure to bring in extra chairs and tables because it suddenly occurred to you that "you never know when a ‘very large’ crowd might show up.”
8. During church, after the meeting, act as though you are going to your car to get something, then get in your car and drive to your house without thinking about what you are doing because if you don’t think about what you are doing you won’t be held as accountable as if you think and act as if you know what you are doing.
9. As soon as you arrive home, act surprised when lots of people start showing up at your door, as if the whole thing just happened to be happening.
10. Enjoy the whole day and feel satisfied when you retire that night, that you have been faithful in following the guidelines not to have a missionary farewell.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Mail out your annual family Christmas letter two weeks before your missionary’s farewell, even if you' ve never mailed out an annual Christmas letter before. On decorative Christmas paper, print the date, time and place of your missionary’s farewell in large, bold print across the top of the page, then go on to mention a few other happenings in the family, just to make sure the letter is officially an "official annual family Christmas letter."
2. Arrange to give the opening or closing prayer at your missionary’s farewell. Within the context of the prayer, mention how grateful you are for such things as all of your many “spiritual, mental, emotional and physical blessings, including your house, food, as well as all the many times of getting together with family and friends (then quickly whisper the words, ‘after the meeting today,’), then go on to mention the beauty of the Earth, and all of the other wonderful things we enjoy.”
3. Try to encourage your missionary to say things you would have said in your talk, (had your missionary gone on a mission ten years ago), by writing a poem or a song that can be sung about faith. Include in this poem or song, everything that builds faith in a person, including such things as a family's influence. Go ahead and within the context of this poem or song include all of the funny or unique things to get "the big Ward laugh" everyone seeks for during a mission farewell -- and you know you would have received had your missionary served a mission ten years ago--and everything else you and your family have done for your missionary.
4. During the farewell, be as teary-eyed as possible for as long as is possible, (hopefully throughout the duration of the meeting) as if you were seated on the stand, for anyone who might decide to watch you instead of your child.
5. Even though you are not speaking, be sure and go out and buy something new.
6. In the prayer you have arranged, be sure to thank everyone who has ever influenced you and/or your child your whole life, whether they are in the room (“happened” to get your “official family Christmas letter”) or not, including neighbors, friends and/or neighbor's friend's second cousins twice-removed.
7. Clean your house spotless on Saturday or Sunday, "just because it happens to need it," and because "you suddenly feel the urge to paint and recarpet." Be sure to bring in extra chairs and tables because it suddenly occurred to you that "you never know when a ‘very large’ crowd might show up.”
8. During church, after the meeting, act as though you are going to your car to get something, then get in your car and drive to your house without thinking about what you are doing because if you don’t think about what you are doing you won’t be held as accountable as if you think and act as if you know what you are doing.
9. As soon as you arrive home, act surprised when lots of people start showing up at your door, as if the whole thing just happened to be happening.
10. Enjoy the whole day and feel satisfied when you retire that night, that you have been faithful in following the guidelines not to have a missionary farewell.
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