The Art of Pulling Off an, “I’m Not Having a Farewell” Farewell
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Mail out your annual family Christmas letter two weeks before your missionary’s farewell, even if you' ve never mailed out an annual Christmas letter before. On decorative Christmas paper, print the date, time and place of your missionary’s farewell in large, bold print across the top of the page, then go on to mention a few other happenings in the family, just to make sure the letter is officially an "official annual family Christmas letter."
2. Arrange to give the opening or closing prayer at your missionary’s farewell. Within the context of the prayer, mention how grateful you are for such things as all of your many “spiritual, mental, emotional and physical blessings, including your house, food, as well as all the many times of getting together with family and friends (then quickly whisper the words, ‘after the meeting today,’), then go on to mention the beauty of the Earth, and all of the other wonderful things we enjoy.”
3. Try to encourage your missionary to say things you would have said in your talk, (had your missionary gone on a mission ten years ago), by writing a poem or a song that can be sung about faith. Include in this poem or song, everything that builds faith in a person, including such things as a family's influence. Go ahead and within the context of this poem or song include all of the funny or unique things to get "the big Ward laugh" everyone seeks for during a mission farewell -- and you know you would have received had your missionary served a mission ten years ago--and everything else you and your family have done for your missionary.
4. During the farewell, be as teary-eyed as possible for as long as is possible, (hopefully throughout the duration of the meeting) as if you were seated on the stand, for anyone who might decide to watch you instead of your child.
5. Even though you are not speaking, be sure and go out and buy something new.
6. In the prayer you have arranged, be sure to thank everyone who has ever influenced you and/or your child your whole life, whether they are in the room (“happened” to get your “official family Christmas letter”) or not, including neighbors, friends and/or neighbor's friend's second cousins twice-removed.
7. Clean your house spotless on Saturday or Sunday, "just because it happens to need it," and because "you suddenly feel the urge to paint and recarpet." Be sure to bring in extra chairs and tables because it suddenly occurred to you that "you never know when a ‘very large’ crowd might show up.”
8. During church, after the meeting, act as though you are going to your car to get something, then get in your car and drive to your house without thinking about what you are doing because if you don’t think about what you are doing you won’t be held as accountable as if you think and act as if you know what you are doing.
9. As soon as you arrive home, act surprised when lots of people start showing up at your door, as if the whole thing just happened to be happening.
10. Enjoy the whole day and feel satisfied when you retire that night, that you have been faithful in following the guidelines not to have a missionary farewell.
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