How to Create, Print and Send Out
an Official LDS Wedding Announcement
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

First: Begin collecting the names and addresses of everyone you, your fiancé, both sets of parents, grandparents and everyone else involved in the wedding have ever met before, including: relatives, friends, acquaintances, past boyfriends or girlfriends, former schoolmates, former roommates, mailmen, milkmen, enemies who might not want to be enemies any more, and anyone else you have met or may meet somewhere between now and the time of the wedding -- to make up the break the record for the largest group of people to ever meet in a LDS setting before.

Second: Begin creating the LDS Wedding announcement. The announcement must include the following:
* One picture of the happy couple (preferably with bleached teeth and an over-sized engagement ring) tucked in a natural setting.
* One set of directions that will mislead attendees for hours before finding the proper location of the wedding reception.
* A collection of foil snowflakes, leaves, hearts (or anything else that might symbolize the love or the season) that fall out and get stuck in the carpet and have to be commercially vacuumed by the attendees for up to five months later. (The tinier the better)
* Ten “Registered at” cards in case the attendees accidentally come to your wedding and forget to buy you a gift.

Third: The LDS wedding announcement usually expresses something so personal that the happy couple becomes extremely touched just knowing that special something they’ve expressed will be the most important thing ever read by an attendee before -- even though the happy couple’s statement will be sent to hundreds of attendees they’ve never met before.
Statements such as:
There is something we wanted only you to know, or
In life, there are few real friends like you, or
Since you have been so close to us through every year of our life, we…

Fourth: Remember, LDS wedding announcements do have some restrictions, for instance:
On a temple wedding invitation, it would not be in good taste to have an old-time, Country Western picture taken with one of you holding a gun while the other one holds a whiskey bottle.

Fifth: LDS wedding announcements are usually filled with kind words, such as, “Tom and Martha are pleased to announce…” and not, “After waiting two years for Bill, Laura is pleased to announce that she has decided instead to marry Jim Smith, the son of...”Sixth: The bride usually writes the LDS invitation. This prevents the groom from including such things as, “I was told right before I was released from my mission to get married. So, to follow my Mission President’s advice, I am pleased to say that I have chosen Ann Wall to be the person I have selected to go to the Celestial Kingdom with me.”

Seventh: The following words should never be printed on a LDS Wedding invitation:
“Til death do us part.

Eighth: You will know you are ready to send out your LDS Wedding invitation when you can answer “yes” to the following questions:a. Has your fiancé asked you to marry him yet?
b. Do you know your fiancé’s given name and surname name?c. Have you met your fiancé’s parents?d. Do they like you? (If not, invitations can still be sent out)
e. Does your fiancé have a job yet or will your fiancé have a job by the time you get married?f. Have you made the necessary arrangements to live at your parent’s house yet?g. Have your parents said yes yet? (If not, invitations can still be sent out.) h. Are you familiar with all of the collection agencies you will be dealing with once the bills for the enormous reception start coming in?
i. Is your fiancé at least half way finished with his mission yet?

If you can answer yes to the above questions, you are ready to create, print and send out your very own LDS Wedding invitation.

YEE-HAW BREAKING NEWS: PRIMARY COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES

PRIMARY COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Life Without You is Like a Tree Without Popcorn

I Understand Adam Was a Propeht,

But How Come I Have to Pick These Weeds?

If Families Are Gonna Be Together Forever,

Then Why Did I Pick You?

The Little Stream May Have Given

But It Was Also In a Hurry

When it Comes to My Face,

Meeting This Frown is Not by Chance

My Life is a Gift,

But My Life Has No Plan

Pioneer Children May Have Walked,

But If I Don’t Get My Car Fixed Soon

I’m Gonna Go Crazy!

Saturday Used To Be a Special Day

Until You Started Nagging Me

The Wise Man May Have Built His House Upon a Rock,

But the Poor Man's Gonna Have to Settle

For This Apartment on Main Street

CREEPY CRAWLY BREAKING NEWS: MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!

WARNING, WARNING, DANGER, DANGER:
MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


The Basketball Players Virus: During rough times playing church ball, this virus has been know to cause players to sometimes “Byte” one another.

The Mormon Mother’s Virus: Known for causing this particular set of women to “Shut down and Reboot,” try avoiding this virus at all costs!

The Fasting Virus: This virus causes food to be “Deleted” from your life for a period of twenty-four hours.

The Primary President Virus: This virus causes the person in this calling to be unable to “Function” for at least fours days out of every month.

The High Priest Virus: Able to remain in a state similar to being put on “Pause,” this virus is temporary and usually ends at the end of Sacrament Meeting.

The Nursery Virus: This virus causes the leader to experience panic with each step she takes closer to nursery door, then, as she grabs the door handle, she repeats to herself until she can hardly move, “Enter” at your own risk.

The Every Mormon’s Virus: This is the worst virus of all because those inflicted with it suddenly develop the urge to drink “Tab” insead of Coke or Pepsi.

The Welfare Virus: Known for being a positive virus, this virus causes the “Storage Capacity” of your two year’s supply to constantly increase.

The Scrapbookers I Virus: This virus is very dangerous because it causes a person to “Save” everything.

The Scrapbookers II Virus: This virus usually follows Scrapbookers I virus, as it creeps through a person’s life and causes that person to “Copy and Paste” everything they see.

The Genealogist’s Virus: This virus is only irritating to family members of the person affected as this otherwise normal person continually exposes his or her ancestors to the “Find and Replace” process.

The Single Adult Virus: Causes every male in a LDS Single's Ward to keep one thought in mind while eyeing over the women in the Chapel: To “Select All.”