How To Have a Successful Fourth of July LDS Family Reunion:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

General LDS Family Reunion Supplies Needed:

1 - Cheap Hamburger Meat
2 - Homemade Hamburger Buns
3 - Home-canned dill pickles from Grandma’s backyard that everyone’s leery of.
4 - Generic-brand potato chips
5 - Warm potato salad
6 - Dirty salt and pepper shakers
7 - Other left-overs in the cupboard that are now considered filler food
8 - Kool-aid that sure to give you Diabetes
9 - Three diet cokes
10 - Ten bags of Oreos, five chocolate cakes, twelve pans of brownies, a big bowl of m&m's.
11 - A few Xanax

Instructions:

Before eating, while everyone is starving, have Grandpa, in a very monotone voice, tell about his lengthy heritage, his years in the service and the gratitude everyone should have for our country.

Right before everyone is ready to slit their wrists if they have to hear one more word of Grandpa's speech, have Grandma look at Grandpa with a fake, surprised look -- acting as though she can’t understand why everyone would ever fall asleep during Grandpa’s talk when she was the first one to succumb. In her Relief Society voice, have her suggest to Grandpa that a blessing be given on the food.

Then, have Grandpa say, (‘cause Grandpa’s so insecure that he has to feel like everything is his idea) “I’ve got a great idea, Dear (Have him emphasize the word, Dear, as if saying, ‘Do this or else.’) Why don’t we sing one verse of the National Anthem before we have the prayer?” Have Grandma agree ‘cause she can’t disagree with Grandpa or the rest of the day is ruined.

Have the family sing, while cousin James in the pony tail walks off to take a cigarette break.

Following a musically dysfunctional rendition of the National Anthem, have everyone dive into the food as if they haven’t eaten in weeks even though every one is packing at least a few extra pounds. Have one of the distant cousins comment to the stranger next to him, “It’s nice we have songs like the National Anthem … to remind us of the importance of carrying a gun.” Have him chuckle and then wink.

Make sure everyone binges, and then have a few people purge.

Following dinner, divide the group into two groups, except for James who has gone for another smoke. Give each group an old, stained bed sheet in which a water balloon is placed in one bed sheet while the other group holding the other bed sheet tries to catch the water balloon. Have everyone laugh at this and feel a deep, eternal family bond. Then, after about a half hour, have one of the cousins suffering from ADHD suggest throwing something else from sheet to sheet. Have someone suggest the little three-year old that just walked by. Have the three-year-old say, “Sure,” at the suggestion and climb onto the sheet. Have the sheet drop and a few family members fall and everyone laugh in delight at the fun that can be had at a LDS family reunion.

Then, have the obnoxious cousin, whom everybody wonders what he did wrong in the pre-existence, suddenly grab a water balloon and start a water balloon fight. Have half the group having the time of their life, and the other half mad, including James who says, “That thing had better not hit me or else.”

Have the balloon hit James. Have James freaks out, then get in the face of the thirteen-year-old who threw it.

Have someone grab James and have uncelestial words start flying.

Have the whole thing eventually settle down and then, finally, at the end of the reunion, have someone say, “Wasn’t this a great family reunion? We need to do this again next year.”

MAKE OR BREAK BREAKING NEWS: DO'S AND DON'TS FOR WARD BISHOPRIC MEMBERS

Do’s and Don’ts for Ward Bishopric Members:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Do attend all your meetings.

Do not let the Ward catch you in your driveway during Sunday School in shorts hitching your boat up to a truck on your way to Lake Powell.

2 - Do have musical numbers performed during Sacrament Meeting:

Do not have a member play, “How Great Thou Art,” on their garage hand saw.

3 - Do compliment your speakers.

Do not compliment women who cry their whole way through their testimony and then say, “I’m sorry I’m such a big boob,” by saying, “That’s okay, Sister. We like big boobs.”

4 - Do hold tithing settlement.

Do not laugh and say, when you see the total amount of tithing paid, “How’d you get by on that?”

5 - Do give to every member of the Ward.

Do not give so much to every member of the Ward that you get burn out, take off in the middle of the night, go missing for three days and then become found pumping gas in a small town in Southern Utah.

6 - Do relax during Sacrament Meeting.

Do not relax so much that you fall asleep and drool on the shoulder of the person seated next to you.

7 – Do maintain your personal life.

Do not maintain your personal life so much that you wear a blue sweater under your suit coat every time BYU wins a football game.

8 – Do interview the youth bi-annually.

While interviewing the youth, do not ever scream the words, “You did what?”

9 – Do visit the elderly.

After visiting the elderly, do not ever let any of them over hear you saying to another Ward member, "Why would Heaven allow these people to live so long that they have to become a burden to everyone?"

10 – Do be the father of the Ward.

Do not be the father of the Ward so much that you end up grounding people, giving long Robert Reed-type speeches, not listening when spoken to or telling stupid “Dad” jokes.

Ten Things That Make Mormons Feel Very Sad:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Making a prize-winning omelet, then sitting down to eat it and suddenly remembering it’s Fast Sunday.

2 - Going into an interview with the Bishop, thinking you’ll be called as the next Relief Society President and being called as a Ward Missionary instead.

3 - Finding out, during tithing settlement, that that one check you thought you turned in for five hundred dollars never got turned in.

4 - Finding all of the scrapbook pages you worked so hard to complete are now stuck together.

5 - Discovering the wheat you worked so hard to earn and store has now become overrun with weevils.

6 - Not serving a foreign mission.

7 – One hundred percent attendance on behalf of the scouts at Scout Camp with a no-show on behalf of all of the volunteer fathers (Oops, sad mixed up with mad on this one!).

8 – Finding out that it’s Tuesday, after Family Home Evening has already been held.

9 – Showing up for any early morning church meeting, forgetting that it’s the first day of Fall daylight savings.

10 – Missing a movie with all of your friends because you thought it was rated R, only to find out it was rated PG.

HAPPY HAPPY BREAKING NEWS: TEN THINGS THAT MAKE MORMONS REALLY HAPPY

Ten Things That Make Mormons Really Happy:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


Getting a “yes” on the first phone call made for a Primary substitute.

Remembering on the 30th day of the month that there are 31 days in this particular month, so there’s one more day left to do home/visiting teaching.

Remembering on Sunday morning, as one is looking for their Sunday School manual, that it is Stake Conference Sunday.

Finding all of your genealogy with the push of one button at the Family History library.

Going in for a church calling and finding out the call is not to be the next Ward Nursery Leader, Scout Leader or Ward Mission Leader.

Thinking it is Fast Sunday, then finding out it isn’t.

Discovering one is right when it comes to certain Church doctrine, especially if the doctrine is controversial or of a delicate nature.

Getting out of any church meeting early.

At the close of a meeting, hearing the announcement that a blessing will now be given on the food.

Finding out the new Bishop is not the person no one gets along with.