THE MOST POPULAR LDS PHOBIAS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WordofWisdomaphobia: Fear that after all the tests you've passed here on Earth that drinking caffeine really will keep you out of the Celestial Kingdom.
BadEarthquakeTimingaphobia: Fear of having an earthquake happen while watching an “R” rated movie and having your picture appear on the front page of the newspaper while rescuers attempt to save you from the R-rated theater movie seat you’re sitting in.
Nurseryaphobia: Fear of being called as the next Ward Nursery leader or the fear of never ever being released as the current Ward Nursery leader.
Idahoaphobia: Fear of running out of gas while on your way to Idaho to buy a lottery ticket and being picked up by a fellow member of your Ward.
Scoutmasteraphobia: Fear of being called as the next Ward Scoutmaster or the fear that you are currently serving as the Ward Scoutmaster or the fear of never being released as the Ward Scoutmaster or all of the above.
GroceryStoreaphobia: Fear of having one of your most conservative but nosiest Ward members witness you buying cooking sherry.
Missionaryaphobia: Fear that one of your nonmember friends will find out that you really did arrange for the missionaries to contact them.
HavingAllOfYourSinsBeMadeKnown
InTheNextLifeaphobia: Fear of what it will feel like to have a full, complete and clear recollection of everyone of your sins down to the pencils you've stolen, the people you cut off on the freeway, the telemarkets you hung up on...every single painful one of them!
LastDays/SignsOfTheTimesExpertaphobia: Fear of those who claim they know when the last day on Earth will be here. Note: Authorities in the field of LastDays/SignsOfTheTimesExpertahopia claim this is a very good phobia to have.
FastSundayaphobia: Fear that not allowing enough food intact will cause you to suddenly die. Note: This phobia always leads to ObssessiveCompulsiveBinging disease.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Thursday, April 07, 2005
First Day After The End of the World Breaking News:10 Most Common LDS Parent-isms
10 Most Common LDS Parent-isms
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If you think your life is hard, you should have been a pioneer!
Do you want everyone to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but you?
Is that Mountain Dew you’re drinking? This could lead you to a life of drugs, you know. Is this the kind of life you want to lead? Huh? A life of drugs?
I’m yelling at you because I care about you and I want you to go home to Heaven.
Be nice to your sister. You’re gonna have to spend forever with her, you know.
Do you wanna get an “F” when this Earthly test is over?
Why can't you count your blessings instead of being so miserable all of the time?
You are a child of God, now act like one.
Why can’t you ever wait? Job had to be patient. Why can’t you?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with Satan ‘cause that’s exactly what’s going to happen to you if you don’t quit acting this way!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If you think your life is hard, you should have been a pioneer!
Do you want everyone to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but you?
Is that Mountain Dew you’re drinking? This could lead you to a life of drugs, you know. Is this the kind of life you want to lead? Huh? A life of drugs?
I’m yelling at you because I care about you and I want you to go home to Heaven.
Be nice to your sister. You’re gonna have to spend forever with her, you know.
Do you wanna get an “F” when this Earthly test is over?
Why can't you count your blessings instead of being so miserable all of the time?
You are a child of God, now act like one.
Why can’t you ever wait? Job had to be patient. Why can’t you?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with Satan ‘cause that’s exactly what’s going to happen to you if you don’t quit acting this way!
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Archaeological Breaking News: ANCIENT LDS PROVERBS UNCOVERED
ANCIENT LDS PROVERBS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
He who blurts out the loudest Amen, gets the biggest stares.
‘Tis better to hide your talents than to be called as the next Scoutmaster.
Let sleeping High Councilmen lie.
Give a casserole, never receive the casserole dish back.
It takes a lot of energy to do genealogy. Ancestors were not all born in a day.
A LDS mother's SUV is her castle
When it comes to being asked to be the next Den leader, dishonesty is the best policy.
Scouts should be seen and not heard.
If a basketball player offends once, shame on him; if he offends twice, take him down and slam him.
He who is a home teacher should never expect his home teaching to be done.
Relief Society sisters could not be everything, that's why they invented Prozac.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
He who blurts out the loudest Amen, gets the biggest stares.
‘Tis better to hide your talents than to be called as the next Scoutmaster.
Let sleeping High Councilmen lie.
Give a casserole, never receive the casserole dish back.
It takes a lot of energy to do genealogy. Ancestors were not all born in a day.
A LDS mother's SUV is her castle
When it comes to being asked to be the next Den leader, dishonesty is the best policy.
Scouts should be seen and not heard.
If a basketball player offends once, shame on him; if he offends twice, take him down and slam him.
He who is a home teacher should never expect his home teaching to be done.
Relief Society sisters could not be everything, that's why they invented Prozac.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Twas Breaking News: 'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CONFERENCE
'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CONFERENCE!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
(Dedicated to K and R)
'Twas the day after Conference and all through the church,
every member was pondering heavy words of soul search;
I’m sure each house still reflected the party held there,
As people ate and slept while listening to Conference with care;
No longer was everyone all nestled around,
With visions of Heaven bouncing up and down;
Now Ma was in her workout suit, and I in my cap,
were wondering what to do next with our "updated map"
On how to get to Heaven amidst all this clatter,
with everyone thinking that something’s the matter.
It’s not time to bicker about this, that or bash,
but time to buckle down and step up our dash.
But then, later, amidst all of these things that I know,
about setting goals and committing to Heaven to go,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a tiny little ad for Wendover so near,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, we could go there and pick
just a few winning numbers on a table or slot,
So, without thought I called all of my fellow buddies lot;
"Now, Bud! now, Tim! now, Ed and John!
Come on, Rick! and Steve! and Bill and Don!
To the front of bus! And to the back of the bus!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away us!"
With dry sand along I-80, the bus it did fly,
Every obstacle we met, we quickly passed by,
And, before we knew it, out to the casino we flew,
With our wallets of money, diet Coke and chips too.
And then, in a twinkling, we heard at the door
The prancing and pawing of our companions galore.
Quickly, we drew in our card-filled hands, then 'round,
In the door they all came with a major PMS bound.
They weren’t dressed in fur, from their heads to their feet,
Oh no, they were all tarnished with an attitude complete!
A bundle of ideas they now had on their mind,
As they looked at us all with looks very unkind.
Their eyes did not twinkle! Their dimples were not merry!
Their cheeks were like roses, their nostrils flaring like cherry!
Their seething little mouths were turned down like a crow,
And the scowls on their faces... they really did show!
The flecks from some chocolate were still stuck in their teeth,
And the smell from it all encircled our heads like a wreath;
Their broad little faces and little round bellies,
Did not shake at all and we said, “Oh nellies!!!”
Some of them were chubby and plump, some were thin of self,
But we did not laugh when we saw them…because of our self;
The glare in their eyes and the twist of each head,
Soon told us to know we had big things to dread;
We spoke not a word, but went straight to our work,
Laying down our cards; we all turned with a jerk.
We picked up our money as we sheepishly rose,
Gave the dealer a nod, and out the door now we chose;
We sprang to the cars, to our team, gave no whistle,
But flew out of town like the down of a thistle.
But, we heard each wife exclaim, 'ere we drove out of sight,”
WILL THESE MEN EVER, EVER LEARN TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT?"
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
(Dedicated to K and R)
'Twas the day after Conference and all through the church,
every member was pondering heavy words of soul search;
I’m sure each house still reflected the party held there,
As people ate and slept while listening to Conference with care;
No longer was everyone all nestled around,
With visions of Heaven bouncing up and down;
Now Ma was in her workout suit, and I in my cap,
were wondering what to do next with our "updated map"
On how to get to Heaven amidst all this clatter,
with everyone thinking that something’s the matter.
It’s not time to bicker about this, that or bash,
but time to buckle down and step up our dash.
But then, later, amidst all of these things that I know,
about setting goals and committing to Heaven to go,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a tiny little ad for Wendover so near,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, we could go there and pick
just a few winning numbers on a table or slot,
So, without thought I called all of my fellow buddies lot;
"Now, Bud! now, Tim! now, Ed and John!
Come on, Rick! and Steve! and Bill and Don!
To the front of bus! And to the back of the bus!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away us!"
With dry sand along I-80, the bus it did fly,
Every obstacle we met, we quickly passed by,
And, before we knew it, out to the casino we flew,
With our wallets of money, diet Coke and chips too.
And then, in a twinkling, we heard at the door
The prancing and pawing of our companions galore.
Quickly, we drew in our card-filled hands, then 'round,
In the door they all came with a major PMS bound.
They weren’t dressed in fur, from their heads to their feet,
Oh no, they were all tarnished with an attitude complete!
A bundle of ideas they now had on their mind,
As they looked at us all with looks very unkind.
Their eyes did not twinkle! Their dimples were not merry!
Their cheeks were like roses, their nostrils flaring like cherry!
Their seething little mouths were turned down like a crow,
And the scowls on their faces... they really did show!
The flecks from some chocolate were still stuck in their teeth,
And the smell from it all encircled our heads like a wreath;
Their broad little faces and little round bellies,
Did not shake at all and we said, “Oh nellies!!!”
Some of them were chubby and plump, some were thin of self,
But we did not laugh when we saw them…because of our self;
The glare in their eyes and the twist of each head,
Soon told us to know we had big things to dread;
We spoke not a word, but went straight to our work,
Laying down our cards; we all turned with a jerk.
We picked up our money as we sheepishly rose,
Gave the dealer a nod, and out the door now we chose;
We sprang to the cars, to our team, gave no whistle,
But flew out of town like the down of a thistle.
But, we heard each wife exclaim, 'ere we drove out of sight,”
WILL THESE MEN EVER, EVER LEARN TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT?"
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