MORE IRRITATING BREAKING NEWS: WHAT MAKES A MORMON FURIOUS!!!

What Makes a Mormon FURIOUS!

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - For a Mormon to ever be served Pepsi instead of Coke or Coke instead of Pepsi.

2 - For a Mormon to ever hear anything derogatory said about Steve Young.

3- If an all-you-can eat buffet ever runs out of food right before it’s a Mormon’s turn to be served, especially if it’s something the Mormon loves or is a very expensive food item.

4 - Another Mormon who’s being very rude, especially a rude Mormon attending or playing in a church basketball game.
5 - If a Mormon ever bites into any type of stale chocolate.
6 - If a Mormon ever has to deal with lots of red lights or cops while racing to church to avoid being late.
7 - If a Mormon ever finds weevils in a very expensive, well-stored tub of wheat.
8 - If a Mormon accidentally shows up a day early for a service project.

9 - If a Mormon ever has to experience any type of delay following the three hour block on Fast Sunday.
10 - If a Mormon ever discovers, after spending years locating all of their ancestors, that the research they’ve done is all wrong.
11 - If another Mormon ever convinces a Mormon that the end of the world is around the corner and that that Mormon should spend thousands of dollars on end-of-the-world products, and then after spending all of that money, the Mormon finds out that the doomsday Mormon is wrong.

IRRITATING BREAKING NEWS: WHY MORMONS SOMETIMES GET MAD

WHY MORMONS SOMETIMES GET MAD
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Maybe it’s because:
They’re encouraged to always smile.

They must love their neighbors,
even when their neighbors are cruel to them.

Mormons must be honest, even if it means returning the 100,000
dollars cash they found in the desert.

They’re not supposed to ever swear, even if someone cuts them off on
the freeway for the fifth time in one day.

They’re not supposed to ever get angry, not even at telemarketers who
will not quit calling their home.

They can’t ever watch sports on Sunday, unless their son is playing or
Marie Osmond is singing the National Anthem.

They’re never supposed to overeat, especially at a Ward dinner where
there’s not enough food to go around. And if a person at the front of
the line does take enough food to feed a football team, they’re not
supposed to swear at that person or drink their sorrows away. They
can’t even be honest and say the person is nothing but a big pig or get
angry at the world and say they’re not going to take it any more. No,
no, no, they must always smile, no matter what.

EARTH-SHATTERING BREAKING NEWS: ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FOUND!!!!

ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FINALLY UNCOVERED:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Ancient Breaking News:

Domestic Violence Outbreak

Again Strikes The Lehi Family Household

Man Who Built Animal-filled Boat

Confesses To Floodings

Wife of Little Man Stuck in Whale's Mouth

Claims This Was Just Another Fish Story

Moses Finally Admits:

He Only Meant to Move The Red Sea

Over a Few Inches

Daniel Offers Suggestions

on Lion’s Den Etiquette

Goliath Claims David Stalked Him

Days Prior to Stoning

Cain Slays Abel Only Days After

Trying to Settle Sibling Dispute

on Jerry Springer Show

Dave Blackwell Votes Joseph Worst-Dressed,

Says Coat Is a Definite Stylish No-No

John the Revelator Claims To Have Found

the Fountain of Youth

Sarah Confesses to Being

The Original Old Lady Who Lived In a Shoe

WORLDWIDE BREAKING NEWS: THE TEN MAIN REASONS WHY WE CAME TO EARTH

THE TEN MAIN REASONS WHY

WE CAME TO EARTH ARE:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. To get a body.

2. To receive ordinances.

3. To be tested.

4. To see if you can be strong enough

to never purchase anything advertised on an infomercial.

5. To work hard to learn algebra

and then never use it.

6. To sing, "The Happy Birthday Song,"

too many times per year,

year after year after year.

7. To taste liver once per decade

and then question,

again,

why anyone would ever want to eat it.

8. To buy lots and lots of Girl Scout cookies.

9. Out of all of the birds in the sky,

to see if one will eventually send you

a “dropping.”

10. To spend a total of three days of your life

being placed "on hold."