How to Prepare to Be Your Ward’s
Next Elder’s Quorum President:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Make sure you live in a Ward with streets that are all level.
2. Make sure to become familiar with all of the people you don’t know or with whom you have never met.
3. If you weren’t called to this position because you currently own a truck, make sure to go out and purchase a very sturdy truck, preferably one with a moving van-type, enclosed back with a very dependable ramp.
4. Now, go to U-Haul or Home Depot and purchase a large dolly (preferably with straps) for transferring heavy objects, like refrigerators and pianos.
5. Make sure to update your health insurance to include physical therapy at a reputable physical rehab facility.
6. Be sure to purchase a cell phone, so that you can be reached anywhere, anytime, at a very last minute’s notice.
7. Make sure to purchase a palm-pilot to update and keep track of the two or three Ward members who are willing to help you move all of the people from Item #2 who do not abide by Item #1.
8. Six months after your calling, begin using item #5.
9. If item #5 doesn’t help, get rid of item #6 and 7.
10. Now you are fully prepared to be your Ward’s next Elder’s Quorum President.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Thursday, May 26, 2005
YO BABY BREAKING NEWS: SOME BIG NEWS HAS BROKEN OUT IN THE HOOD
YO MORMON MAMA'S SO...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Yo Mormon Mama’s so weird that she’ll only consider sitting in a different seat in the chapel if stripped of her free agency.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so freaky that she believes every meal should include funeral potatoes.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so odd that she hopes someday she’ll own her own school bus so she can carpool all of her kids at the same time.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so uptight that she thinks fetch is a swear word.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so strange that her idea of a federal crime is scheduling a basketball game during Enrichment night.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so bizarre that she believes everything in life should be taped or glued onto the pages of a three ring binder
Yo Mormon Mama’s so out in left field that she thinks the world has come to an end every time she loses another Relief Society sign-up sheet.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so nutty that, to her, every problem in life is solved with a three-hour lecture.
Yo Mormon’s so beyond repair that she believes chewing gum on Fast Sunday is an absolute sin.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Yo Mormon Mama’s so weird that she’ll only consider sitting in a different seat in the chapel if stripped of her free agency.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so freaky that she believes every meal should include funeral potatoes.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so odd that she hopes someday she’ll own her own school bus so she can carpool all of her kids at the same time.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so uptight that she thinks fetch is a swear word.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so strange that her idea of a federal crime is scheduling a basketball game during Enrichment night.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so bizarre that she believes everything in life should be taped or glued onto the pages of a three ring binder
Yo Mormon Mama’s so out in left field that she thinks the world has come to an end every time she loses another Relief Society sign-up sheet.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so nutty that, to her, every problem in life is solved with a three-hour lecture.
Yo Mormon’s so beyond repair that she believes chewing gum on Fast Sunday is an absolute sin.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
COMBINATION BREAKING NEWS: FINALLY, SCIENTIST HAVE DISCOVERED WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A MORMON IS COMBINED WITH A ...
SCIENTISTS FINALLY UNCOVER THE TRUTH:
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU COMBINE A...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. What do you get if you combine Christmas with a LDS person's food storage?
Lots of gifts that will definintely be stored for years with no plans to ever use them.
2. What do you get if 100 prisoners are ordered to sing in a Ward choir?
A choir director who’s finally happy someone’s willing to sing in the choir.
3. What do you get if you combine a Ward clerk with a Catholic perish?
A quiet guy who walks up and down the aisles every Sunday, counting and making notes on a tiny piece of paper while confusing all of the parishioners.
4. What do you get if you combine the behaviors of a dead ancestor with a high priest?
A high priest who will never wake up, even long after the meeting has ended.
5. What do you get if you combine a home teacher with a kid in the nursery?
Finally, a kid who only gets sick once a month.
6. What do you get if you combine a Primary teacher with a Police Officer?
A Police Officer who gives out treats along with each ticket he writes.
7. What do you get if you combine a basketball player with “Signs of the Times Expert”?
A “Signs of the Times Expert” who is not only obsessed with being right about all of the signs of the times, but is ready to beat up anyone who is wrong about the signs of the times.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU COMBINE A...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. What do you get if you combine Christmas with a LDS person's food storage?
Lots of gifts that will definintely be stored for years with no plans to ever use them.
2. What do you get if 100 prisoners are ordered to sing in a Ward choir?
A choir director who’s finally happy someone’s willing to sing in the choir.
3. What do you get if you combine a Ward clerk with a Catholic perish?
A quiet guy who walks up and down the aisles every Sunday, counting and making notes on a tiny piece of paper while confusing all of the parishioners.
4. What do you get if you combine the behaviors of a dead ancestor with a high priest?
A high priest who will never wake up, even long after the meeting has ended.
5. What do you get if you combine a home teacher with a kid in the nursery?
Finally, a kid who only gets sick once a month.
6. What do you get if you combine a Primary teacher with a Police Officer?
A Police Officer who gives out treats along with each ticket he writes.
7. What do you get if you combine a basketball player with “Signs of the Times Expert”?
A “Signs of the Times Expert” who is not only obsessed with being right about all of the signs of the times, but is ready to beat up anyone who is wrong about the signs of the times.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
LINKING BREAKING NEWS: THE VERY FIRST MORMON CHAIN LETTER!!!
THE VERY FIRST MORMON CHAIN LETTER
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Dear Brother and/or Sister of any and/or every Ward in the Church,
First of all: THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! Even though this looks like a chain letter, sounds like a chain letter and reads like a chain letter, THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! This is an official worldwide-linking-of-brothers-and-sisters-through-this-highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system.
Please, take one cup of wheat and mail it to the first person to appear on the list below, then add your name to the bottom of the list. Then, send this letter to ten people, and within two weeks your entire family will receive more than enough wheat to last a lifetime!
If you do not want more wheat, simply change the focus of the letter to whatever your current need is, send that item out to the first person on the list, then send this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system to ten people and you will receive more than enough of whatever it is you need to last a lifetime -- Coke, Pepsi, chocolate, scrapbooking materials, children, Primary substitutes, camp directors, nursery leaders, etc.
Warning: Please do not break this chain, or, um, this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. We heard someone did that once and the families participating within that particular correspondence system cluster nearly died as a result of being caught in the middle of a catastrophic disaster, including earthquakes in diverse places, unexpected and expected job loss, the birth of more children than expected, spending too much money on Christmas, one second coming false alarm, etc. All of the families within this particular highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system cluster nearly died! So, please, take this correspondence system directive seriously.
DO NOT BE THE ONE TO BREAK THIS CHAIN, or, um, Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. But, feel free to be the one who will be the biggest hero in this life and possibly the biggest hero in the next life as wellt life!
You must send this within the next five minutes or the chain, or, um, the Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system will be broken and you will be the one eternally responsible for any and all consequences that happen to you, any of your loved ones or any of the other six billion people roaming the Earth. So do it, and do it now!
With great faith and hope.
We know you can do it!
Do it now!
Five people!!!
Five minutes!!!
Don’t disappoint us!!!
Or else…..
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Dear Brother and/or Sister of any and/or every Ward in the Church,
First of all: THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! Even though this looks like a chain letter, sounds like a chain letter and reads like a chain letter, THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! This is an official worldwide-linking-of-brothers-and-sisters-through-this-highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system.
Please, take one cup of wheat and mail it to the first person to appear on the list below, then add your name to the bottom of the list. Then, send this letter to ten people, and within two weeks your entire family will receive more than enough wheat to last a lifetime!
If you do not want more wheat, simply change the focus of the letter to whatever your current need is, send that item out to the first person on the list, then send this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system to ten people and you will receive more than enough of whatever it is you need to last a lifetime -- Coke, Pepsi, chocolate, scrapbooking materials, children, Primary substitutes, camp directors, nursery leaders, etc.
Warning: Please do not break this chain, or, um, this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. We heard someone did that once and the families participating within that particular correspondence system cluster nearly died as a result of being caught in the middle of a catastrophic disaster, including earthquakes in diverse places, unexpected and expected job loss, the birth of more children than expected, spending too much money on Christmas, one second coming false alarm, etc. All of the families within this particular highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system cluster nearly died! So, please, take this correspondence system directive seriously.
DO NOT BE THE ONE TO BREAK THIS CHAIN, or, um, Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. But, feel free to be the one who will be the biggest hero in this life and possibly the biggest hero in the next life as wellt life!
You must send this within the next five minutes or the chain, or, um, the Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system will be broken and you will be the one eternally responsible for any and all consequences that happen to you, any of your loved ones or any of the other six billion people roaming the Earth. So do it, and do it now!
With great faith and hope.
We know you can do it!
Do it now!
Five people!!!
Five minutes!!!
Don’t disappoint us!!!
Or else…..
Monday, May 23, 2005
SIZZLING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY MORMONS DRINK COKE (OR PEPSI)
Top Ten Reasons Why Mormons Drink Coke (or Pepsi):
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"It keeps me awake during Church."
"It keeps me awake while I attend the temple."
"It keeps me awake while I do my visiting/home teaching."
"It keeps me awake while I do my genealogy."
"It keeps me awake during Family Home Evening."
"It keeps me awake during Family Prayer."
"It keeps me awake during family scripture study.
"It keeps me awake during the paying of my full tithing at tithing settlement."
"It kept me awake while I wrote my entire personal history."
"It kept me awake while I scrapbooked every person in my family tree, all the way back to Adam."
"The exact word “caffeine” is not mentioned specifically by the word itself in the Word of Wisdom or any other scripture. "
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"It keeps me awake during Church."
"It keeps me awake while I attend the temple."
"It keeps me awake while I do my visiting/home teaching."
"It keeps me awake while I do my genealogy."
"It keeps me awake during Family Home Evening."
"It keeps me awake during Family Prayer."
"It keeps me awake during family scripture study.
"It keeps me awake during the paying of my full tithing at tithing settlement."
"It kept me awake while I wrote my entire personal history."
"It kept me awake while I scrapbooked every person in my family tree, all the way back to Adam."
"The exact word “caffeine” is not mentioned specifically by the word itself in the Word of Wisdom or any other scripture. "
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