SCARY BREAKING NEWS: MORMON SUPERSTITIONS!!!!

MoRmOn SuPeRsTiOnS!!!

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

• Seeing a runny-nosed kid in Nursery means your child will soon be sick.

Finding a hymnbook number from the opening song, sitting on the floor beneath the hymnbook number sign, means no one will know what page the opening song is on.

Being the first person to enter a Sunday School classroom means you will be saying the opening prayer.

Ignoring a call to come home teaching means your family won’t be visited for three more months.

A toddler sitting in the row behind you in Sacrament Meeting means you’ll soon be hit by a toy.

Being called to serve in the Elder’s Quorum means you will soon be moving lots and lots of furniture.

Long lines at a Ward Pot Luck Dinner means there won’t be enough food for you.

Scheduling Scout Camp means every man in the Ward will soon be too busy to go.

A child standing on a folding chair means that chair will soon collapse.

CRAZY BREAKING NEWS: CRAZIEST MORMON NAMES EVER!!!

Craziest Mormon Names EVER:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Ima Mormon

Heeza Sleep (High Priest?)

Sheeza Wake (High Priest’s wife)

Able Topray

Acasa Chocolate

Anita Coke

Nokhan Do (Genealogy?)

B. Good

B. Barry Good

Ben Good

Bernadette Pedigree Chart

Bess Indechurch

Gladys Over (Stake Conference?)

Hugh Mility

Lotta Kids

MT Casserole Dish

Maura Food (On Fast Sunday)

Midas Well

Ole Ghost

Omar Heck

Shirley U. Can

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS: MORMON OXYMORONS!!!

MORMON OXYMORONS:
(By a highly restrained Bettyanne Bruin)

Mormon Oxymorons:

Living/breathing high priest

Reverent Primary

Consistent home teaching

Happy family

Fun Family Night

Excellent choir

Perfect Latter Day Saint

Sweet sister

Short meeting

Healthy nursery

Handsome Ward Clerk

GIFT-GIVING BREAKING NEWS: BOOKS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE!!!

BOOKS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

How to Have a Better Attitude!

Quit Griping and Start Smiling!

You Can Be Thin Too!

No One’s Perfect, But You Don’t Have to Be SO Imperfect!

Why You’ll Never Be The Next Relief Society President!

How to Know How Close You Were in the Pre-existence to NOT Receiving a Body!

You Should Be on Medication and Why!

How to Quit Being The Messiest Person Anyone Has Ever Met!

How to Stop Being The Most Unorganized Person Anyone Has Ever Met!

The Most Important Word on Earth:

BUDGETING!!!

Why Everyone at Church Stares at You Every Sunday To Try and Figure Out

Why You Picked Such a Strange Look!

HAPPY, HAPPY BREAKING NEWS: CARDS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE FOR MOTHER'S DAY

GREETING CARDS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE FOR MOTHER'S DAY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

Here is a coupon for taking the whole day off to work on your genealogy!

2. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

With this sewing machine and endless material, now you can make everything we wear by hand!

3. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

And congratulations on being called as the next Den Leader.

4. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

I wish you could come and visit me, but the doctor says I’ll be out of drug rehab soon!

5. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

I hope you enjoy this cookbook: Best-tasting Meals Ever Because They Take All Day Long To Make From Scratch!

6. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

And thanks for teaching me so much about free agency that I’m happy to tell you I just joined another church!

7. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
When you’re through with all of your inhouse therapy, I hope you’ll feel comfortable with the idea of joining us again soon!

8. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
Even though you can’t ever be the perfect Mom (because if you were you wouldn’t be here on Earth) you’re about as close as any person can come to being perfect!

9. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I want to be with you forever, except for the days where you drive me so crazy that I’d do anything just to go to the telestial kingdom instead!

10. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I know you’re worried about the signs of the times, but I’m just glad to know you’re not one of them!