MOTHER GOOSE BREAKING NEWS: LDS FARMER IN THE DELL

THE LDS FARMER IN THE DELL
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward,
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward,
Hi-ho, the marrry-o,
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward.

The Returned Missionary takes a wife,
The Returned Missionary takes a wife,
Hi-ho, the marry-o,
The Returned Missionary takes a wife.

The wife has a child,
The wife has a child,
Hi-ho, the marry-o,
The wife has a child.

The wife has another child,
The wife has another child,
Hi-ho, the they love this marry-o,
The wife has another child.

The wife has more children,
The wife has more children,
Hi-ho, the holy freakin’ marry-o,
The wife has more children.

The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten,
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten,
Hi-ho, the what-have-we-done? marry-o,
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten.

The wife goes to the doctor,
The wife goes to the doctor,
Hi-ho, Doctor-can-you-help-me-please? marry-o,
The wife goes to the doctor.

The Doctor gives her Prozac,
The Doctor gives her Prozac,
Hi-ho, the thank-goodness-for-modern-day-medicine marry-o
The Doctor gives her Prozac.

The Prozac calms her down,
The Prozac calms her down,
Hi-ho, this blessed marry-o,
The Prozac calms her down.

The kids grow to be teenagers,
The kids grow to be teenagers,
Hi-ho, this darn-tootin’-flabbergastin’-what-the-“h”-have-these- kids-done-now? marry-o,
The kids grow to be teenagers.

The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars,
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars,
Hi-ho, the Can-life-get-any-worse-than-this?marry-o,
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars.

The parents are at wits end,
The parents are at wits end,
Hi-ho, the Ever-livin’-what-were-we-thinkin’? marry-o
The parents are at wits end.

The kids graduate, but never leave home,
The kids graduate, but never leave home,
Hi-ho, the This-can’t-get-any-worse marry-o,
The kids graduate, but never leave home.

The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home,
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home,
Hi-ho, the What-did-I-do-wrong-in-the-pre-existence? marry-o
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home.

The kids put the parents in a home,
The kids put the parents in a home,
Hi-ho, the Life-just-isn’t-fair scenario,
The kids put the parents in a home.

The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face),
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face),
Hi-ho, the I-told-you-life-wouldn’t-be-easy-but-it-would-be-worth-it scenario,
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face).

The Returned Missionary stands alone,
The Returned Missionary stands alone,
Hi-ho, the Being Married Forever marry-o,
The Returned Missionary stands alone.

But, then, there’s a sister down the hall who’s only 87-years old,
eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker,
But, then, there’s a sister down the hall who’s only 87-years old,
eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker,
Hi-ho, this ever lovin’ LDS marry-o,
There's a sister down the hall, who's only 87-years old, eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker.

GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD'S RECORDS BREAKING NEWS: LDS WORLD RECORDS LDS MEMBER NEVER WANT TO BREAK

LDS WORLD RECORDS
LDS MEMBERS
SHOULD NEVER DESIRE TO BREAK:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


World’s worst LDS testimony bearer.

Looks most like Satan.

World’s most boring LDS Sunday School lesson.

Most calories consumed the night before a LDS Fast and Testimony meeting.

Farthest stray from a LDS High Priest Group lesson.

Least amount of LDS tithing paid.

Most times kicked out of a LDS Ward choir.

Most Cheerios spilled on the LDS chapel carpet.

Worst injury from a LDS Primary folding chair.

LDS Scoutmaster with the worst temper at Scout Camp.

LDS Scoutmaster most likely to lose a scout at Scout Camp.

LDS Church's biggest funeral potato casserole.

LDS church member who holds the record for the most amount of time spent searching for a lost ancestor.

LDS church sister who believes most that she was told in the pre-existence that she was supposed to marry Steve Young.

Most likely to fall away from the LDS church.

LDS church's ugliest sleeper in Sacrament Meeting.

LDS church members worst comb-over.

LDS church member least likely to know the meaning of any scripture.

LDS church's biggest signs of the times expert.

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