NOW AND THEN BREAKING NEWS: FOOD STORAGE, THEN AND NOW!!!

How you ever noticed how proud we are to purchase our food storage... only to one day become afraid of it?

HAPPYJELLYBEANS PRESENTS:
YOUR LDS FoOd StOrAgE, THEN AND NOW...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1. Instant non-fat dry milk:
Then: Instant non-fat dry milk was promptly and neatly stored in plastic containers, clumped against a wall.
Now: Inside containers, non-fat dry milk is so clumped together that no one knows what to do with it, except to use it for stepping stones out in the garden or chip it apart and sell as mini souvenir icebergs..

2. Wheat:
Then: Wheat was professionally stored in vacuum-packed bags, ready for grinding.
Now: The only thing wheat grinds is your shoes each time you step on your garage floor.

3. Water:
Then: Water was stored in well-sanitized, gallon-sized bottles.
Now: You must sanitize your hands after each time you move the bottles from house to house.

4. Dried fruit:
Then: Dried fruit was packed so neatly, it could have won ‘Best of Show” at an art competition.
Now: Dried fruit is so stuck together that even a sight-impaired person would be afraid to look at it.

5. Dried beef:
Then: Dried beef was packed nicely enough to be fit for a king.
Now: The only king that will eat this stuff is King, your pet Doberman.

6. Toilet paper:
Then: Paper was stacked so neatly that it was always comforting to know all your needs would be met.
Now: The only comforting thing to know now is that the garbage man is coming tomorrow to dispose of all of your squished, mildewy rolls.

7. Honey:
Then: This killer product was stored so well and so easily.
Now: Discovering your honey contains killer botulism, you pray you will easily remember who you gave this honey to for Christmas last year.

8. Legumes:
Then: Plentiful legumes were stored so well that they were ready to cook at a moments notice.
Now: Even after boiling them for three days straight, your legumes will still never soften.

POT OF GOLD BREAKING NEWS!!! FAMOUS LDS SAINTS! PLUS LDS ST. PATTY'S DAY PRAYER!

FAMOUS LDS SAINTS,
PLUS
LDS ST. PATTY'S DAY PRAYER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


Happy St. Patrick’s Day to everyone, no matter what religion you are! In fact, have you ever wondered why we never honor our Saints? Yes, we have saints in our church, and the time has come to place these saints on their saintly pedestals, for at least a couple of hours. So, with the reverence of a Primary child, I would like to take this time to honor our very own LDS Saints, followed by our very own LDS St. Patrick's Day Prayer:

Sports Saints:

St. Steve Young
St. Dale Murphy
St. Danny Ainge
St. Wally Joyner
St. Johnny Miller

Musical Saints:

St. All of the Osmond’s except Jimmy
St. Thurl Bailey
St. Gladys Knight
St. Kurt Bestor

Hollywood Saints:

Honorary Saint Larry King
Possibly-Could-Be Saints (if they really did join the Mormon church):
St. Jimmy Stewart and
St. Elvis Presley
St. Ricky Shroeder
St. Jewel
St. Christina Aguillera's parents
St. Alice Cooper

Political Saints:

St. Orin Hatch
St. Mitt Romney
St. Michel Leavitt
Crossover-St. Ted Kennedy

Author Saints:

St. Gerald Lund
St. Anita Stansfield

Crafty Saint:

St. Diane Thomas

Wealthy Saints:

St. John Huntman
St. Marriotts

Miscellaneous Saints:

St. Larry H. Miller
St. All of the Stead family
St. Mr. Mac

And last, but not least, our very own LDS St. Patrick's Day Prayer:

May the cops on the road never catch you on your way to Church,
May the force of a thousand hurricanes convince you to finally do your home teaching,
May the sons of Mosiah’s images (while they were rebellious) never shine upon your face,
May the Primary children always fall softly out of their folding chairs,
And until we meet again,
May chocolate and coke always be plentiful in the palms of your hands.

BREAKING NEWS: 10 THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT LIFE WHILE SITTING ON THE BACK ROW OF SACRAMENT MEETING!!!

10 Things I've Learned About Life
While Sitting on the Back Row
of Sacrament Meeting:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. When the tone of a person’s voice becomes flat enough, even the most alert person can fall asleep.

2. The corner of a hymn book holder can be lethal to a toddler’s head.

3. A bald head scrubbed clean enough, reflecting off the overhead lights, can look like it’s made of glass.

4. No matter how slowly a candy wrapper is opened, it will always make too much noise.

5. Even though a sleeping person's head is angled in the most painful of positions, that person can still remain in a comatose state.

6. No matter how hard they try, a room filled with hundreds of intelligent people will never be able to say the word, “Amen” in unison.

7. Because they are in a choir, even the worst of singing voices can still get the biggest smiles.

8. No matter what age, treats can make even the grumpiest person happy.

9. In the proper setting, watching a microphone raise and lower can be quite exciting.

10. Under the right circumstance, a chapel clock can appear to be ticking so slowly that it can actually appear to be broken.

OUT OF THIS WORLD BREAKING NEWS: REAL LIVE WARD ANNOUNCEMENTS

ReAl LiFe WaRd AnNoUnCeMeNtS:
(By BeTtYaNnE bRuIn)

1. The Ward Emergency Fair, scheduled for this evening, has been cancelled due to a disaster.

2. For those of you who drive to the church and don’t realize it, please remember not to park in handicapped spaces.

3. Sister Thurmond cannot find her Great Great Grandmother Lucy Johnson. If anyone in the Ward is from North Carolina and can help Sister Thurmond find her Great Great Grandmother, she would greatly appreciate it.

4. The third hour of this Sunday’s meetings, the Bishop will speak about concerns regarding the break down of the family, after which we will sing, “Families Can Be Together Forever.”

5. A fireside will be held at the Stake Center tonight to discuss burnt offerings.

6. For those souls who want to be sure the shoe fits for next week’s lesson, feel free to refer to your footnotes.

7. The Scouts will be sponsoring a bean cook-off this Saturday. Don’t let something like this pass without notice.

8. The High Priests will be meeting at the church at 7 p.m. tonight to finish their work raising the dead.

9. Teachers, please remember to never write on the chalkboard, not to talk in class and to sit quietly in your seat, and our lessons will go a lot smoother.

10. Sister’s, don’t forget the D.I. drive to be held this Thursday at the church at 7 p.m. Get rid of everything you no longer need. And don't forget your husbands!”

GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING BREAKING NEWS: THEME SONGS FOR ALL WARD AUXILLARIES

THEME SONGS

FOR EVERY WARD AUXILLARY:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Nursery Leader's Theme Song:

"Release Me, Please Release Me, Let Me Go"

High Priest’s Theme Song:

“Wake Up and Do Something More

Than Dream of Your Mansions Above.”

A Scout’s Theme Song:

“If I Only Had a Brain.”

Relief Society Sister’s Theme Song:

“When We’re Happy We’re Helping” or

“Cry Me a River.”

Ward Basketball Player’s Theme Song:

“Bridge Over Troubled Waters”

Single’s Ward Theme Song:

"Another One Bites the Dust”

Missionary Theme Song:

“I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles

and I Would Walk Five Hundred More.”

Young Women’s Theme Song:

“Stand By Your Man”

Primary Children’s Theme Song:

“Jump! Shout!”

Primary President’s Theme Song:

“Say a Little Prayer For Me.”

Geneaology Specialist’s Theme Song:

“Happy Trails to You,” or

“The Road is Long.”

Ward Librarian’s Theme Song:

“Bookends,” or

“Take This Job and Shove It.”