COMPLETE BREAKING NEWS: THE ONE AND ONLY VERY TRUE LDS PROCRASTINATOR'S PRAYER, PLUS TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T PREPARE YOUR SUNDAY LESSON YET!

THE ONE AND ONLY TRUE LDS PROCRASTINATOR'S PRAYER

PLUS

TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD NOT
PREPARE YOUR SUNDAY LESSON YET !!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

With Sunday services only hours away, here are a few points to ponder:

The One and Only True LDS Procrastinator's Prayer
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


Heaven grant me all of the excuses I need

to put off everything I can;

the courage never to change my mind regarding

my decision not do all of the responsibilities

I have been given in this life;

as well as every justification I need to explain

why I won’t be completing

each assignment given to me.

Living only in the now;

may I take each moment,
one irresponsible step at a time;

accepting all of my "perceived" hardships

as the perfect excuse I need

to put off until tomorrow

everything I just don’t feel like doing today;

explaining it all in a way

that makes me feel guilt-free,

forever surrendering

to all of my weak-spirited ways;

believing I will be momentarily happy in this life,

and trusting I will be given

all of the time I need in the next life,
to accomplish everything I should have accomplished in this life,
including:
preparing my lessons,

going to the temple,

doing my genealogy,

reading my scriptures,
saying my prayers,

carrying out my monthly visits,
fasting,

writing my personal history,

visiting the sick and the afflicted

(including the guy who cut me off

last week on the freeway,

all of my bill collectors, old boyfriends, etc.

that I hope are afflicted

with something painful by now),

oh, and by helping all of my neighbors

(including the ones who drive me crazy),
and repenting of every other responsibility

I should have accepted in this life,
but chose to put off until the next life.

Amen.

TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD NOT PREPARE YOUR SUNDAY LESSON JUST YET: (By Bettyanne Bruin)

Because everyone knows the best burst of inspiration always comes during the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting.

Because you need to make sure you leave the maximum amount of time available for experiences that might come to serve as the perfect objective for your lesson.

Because by preparing your lesson early you might be compromising the opportunity for a mighty miracle to come your way.

Because, what are you going to do if after spending all of that time preparing your lesson, no one shows up, you’ve wasted all of that time, you become depressed and you decide to commit a horrible sin?

Because there might still be more lessons to learn regarding the reasons why a person should never put off preparing his or her Sunday lesson.

Because what if you prepare your lesson and some event occurs during or after your lesson that confirms you weren’t supposed to teach that lesson afterall?

Because preparing your lesson early might lead you to develop all of the characterics possessed by those people who prepare their lessons early.

Because coming up with reasons not to prepare your lesson might help you develop all of the reasoning skills you need in your life to explain to non-members all of other thing you do not do in your life, like smoke, drink or do drugs.

Because what if you prepare your Sunday lesson on Monday and the Second Coming occurs on Tuesday?

Because not preparing a lesson is always easier than preparing one.

UP-TO-THE-MINUTE BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOUR WARD SERVICE PROJECT MIGHT BE A DISASTER

SIGNS YOUR WARD SERVICE PROJECT

MIGHT BE A DISASTER:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

You thought your project had something to do with trees, but your project has something to do with bees.

Because you don’t speak a foreign language, you say each one of your English words louder and slower, hoping the foreign family you’re speaking to will somehow suddenly be able to understand English.

The people you’re supposed to be helping say they’ve never heard of you before and threaten to call the police.

You thought you were going to pull a few weeds and after ten trips to the city dump, you’re still only halfway finished with the project.

Everyone is griping, including the people you’re helping.

After members of every organization sign-up to help the family up the street move out, only you and a ninety-year-old man show up.

Upon your arrival, an ambulance and three fire trucks are parked out in front.

You’ve just found out that, after using up nearly all the gas in your gas tank, you are nowhere near the right location.

In the middle of the project, you overhear some members commenting that you definitely won’t be in charge of service projects in the next life.

Following the service project, the Ward members act as if you no longer exist.

OKAY MORE BREAKING NEWS: OUT OF THIS WORLD NEW MORMON PRODUCTS!!!

OUT OF THIS WORLD,
NEW MORMON PRODUCTS
YOU WON'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE BUT HERE
(AND BE SURE NOT TO MISS THE WORLD'S MOST BIZARRE MORMON HORRORSCOPE FOR WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23RD LISTED BELOW PRODUCTS)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

No-More-Jitters Transdermal Caffeine Patch: Guaranteed to finally get you over that heroine-like hump, there’ll be no more counting down the hours waiting for that no-other-way-to-be-satisfied-than-binging-on-an-endless-coke-or- chocolate fix. Never again will you have to fill up another gallon jug or rip open another one-pound box. All worries will be behind you with very own No-More-Jitters Transdermal Caffeine Patch. Feel free to call our toll free 24-hour hotline, 1-800-GIVEMEMYPATCH NOW!, and let our well-trained, special ambulance driver deliver this product right to your front door!

Disclaimer: If, for some reason, you have no self-control over the above-mentioned patch product (oops) we mean if the above-mentioned patch product fails to work properly for you, feel free to try our newest, even latest, hot off the chemistry lab table product: Coke or Chocolate I.V. Drips! Specially designed with a one-inch line attached to a ten gallon bottle, these juices can be delivered faster than the twinkling of a millenial eye. The Celestial Kingdom will never be better than this. Experience the Celestial Kingdom now!

Another new product that is nearly impossible to keep in stock right now is:
The World’s first Obedience Pills! No more problems keeping the commandments now. Who would have ever thought taking one teeny-tiny pill could, within minutes, eliminate the world of sin. With the swallow of one pill life will never be easier. Caution: This pill can cause irreversible side effects if not taken properly, including an enhanced desire to do horrible things to yourself and/or the people around you, covetousness, dishonoring parents, shopping on Sunday, inability to comprehend accountability and responsibility, headaches, stomach aches, lack of sleep, people who no longer like you, a reduced capacity to do good continually. ..................

FREAKY BREAKING NEWS: BRAND NEW MORMON HORRORSCOPE EXPLORES THE UNEXPLAINABLE

MORMON HORRORSCOPE FOR WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23RD, 2005:

LiFe Is InTeReStinG eNOuGH iF NoT tOTaLLy BiZaRrE
OR
WHY DO YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MUST LIVE WITH YOU THE MOST ...
... OR DO YOU?
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Some days it is definitely harder to get out of bed than others, and today will be no exception. You will become frustrated at a thought that keeps haunting you, chasing you like the Ward Scoutmaster who keeps calling you to try to get you to donate to the Friends of Scouting Program:

Out of all of the many six billion unique and individually good, bad, ugly (and a few fairly good-looking people) roaming the Earth, somehow, unexplainably and for some reason, part of this Earthly plan will involve you being forced to spend every day of your life -- meaning all 365 days multiplied by twenty-four hours multiplied by 60 minutes multiplied by 60 seconds multiplied by 80 years, equalling 2,522,880,000 seconds (or the amount of time it feels for a high councilman to give a talk on understanding the book of Isaiah) -- with yourself, uninterrupted, like the strongest most incredible chain that can't ever be broken, one complete continuum, one infinite and eternal round, the biggest test and trial of patience and long-suffering there is on the face of this Earth. No matter what your mood is, how evil your thoughts are, how big and out of shape your body gets, no matter who stares at you, who hates you, who points and laughs at you, one thing is guranteed, you are and always will be stuck with you. And then, as if that isn't bad enough, an even worse thought will (or, if your very lucky, this thought won’t) erupt:

Unable to get away from yourself for the 2.5 billion uninterrupted seconds you will spend on Earth is bad enough, but, out of all the six billion bodies roaming the Earth, why do you have to spend all of your 2.5 billion seconds in the body you chose or were given Why didn't you, couldn’t you have chosen (or be given) the opportunity to live out this Earthly experience in someone else’s body, like the body of Mr. or Ms. Universe? These thoughts will rumble through you, all day (also known as 86,400 seconds) until you become so physically and mentally tired, that you will have no choice but to retire for the night, just to get away from you, until you arise again tomorrow only to spend one more day with you. Fortunately, the thought will eventually occur to you that if you must spend your whole life with you, then why not quit fighting yourself and be your own very best friend. And because of this, you will have a new best friend.

TELESTIALLY FOCUSED BREAKING NEWS: THE TRUE FACTS BEHIND M.A.D.D. DISEASE (Mormon Attention Deficit Disorder)

M.A.D.D. DISEASE - THE TRUE FACTS EVERY MORMON MUST KNOW!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Recently, I was diagnosed with M.A.D.D disease – Mormon Attention Deficit Disorder . The doctor said I had the following symptoms and told me to inform anyone else who might suffer from this same yet very unique disease:

1. I come from a large family of people who all suffer from the exact same symptoms as I do.
2. I bore easily, which leads to a deep sleep, especially during long meetings.
3. I overeat the first Saturday night of each month.
4. I have a house with one room dedicated to food that no one ever eats.
5. I see death as a positive experience.
6. I only and always receive speeding tickets on Sunday mornings.
7. Even though I do not drink or smoke, I consume large quantities of coke and chocolate.
8. I can recite all of the ingredients in the funeral potatoes recipe.
9. I say, “Fetch, gosh darn it and shoot,” whenever I get mad.
10. My upper arms, upper legs and torso are always very, very pale.

UNIQUE AND COMPLETELY TERRIFYING BREAKING NEWS: HOW TO BE YOUR WARD'S NEXT SUCCESSFUL GOSPEL DOCTRINE TEACHER!

HOW TO BE YOUR WARD'S NEXT SUCCESSFUL GOSPEL DOCTRINE TEACHER !!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Many members of the LDS Church are absolutely terrified of being called to be the next Ward Gospel Doctrine Teacher. However, if the following steps are taken, you, too, can be a successful Gospel Doctrine teacher! And the nice thing is, most of these steps will not cost you any time, money and/or most of your religious or respectable reputation.

1. Find a book written thousands of years ago -- most of which you barely understand because of so many language barriers, unknown ancient cultures and an endless list of countless names of descendants whom, no matter how hard you try, you cannot pronounce their names, except enough to embarrass yourself and prove that you barely know what you're talking about.
2. Put on an outfit that is one size too small and ten years outdated.
3. Find a music stand that's broken.
4. Find a chalkboard with chalk that screeches so annoyingly that you can't stand hearing the sound.
5. Borrow a crying baby.
6. Locate a small table adorned with either fake flowers or a lace tablecloth.
7. Find one disagreeable person, one person who nods in agreement at everything that is said, one person who is a know-it-all and one person who believes he or she should have been called to be 'The Ward' Gospel Doctrine teacher.
8. Make a set of visual aids that never stick to the wall.
9. Find a thermostat that can't ever be set properly.
10. Find a room filled with one hundred people you hardly know, and who hardly know you, but will criticize every move you make and/or scrutinize every word you say.
11. Practice pacing back and forth across the front of the room, only stopping to adjust the music stand that continually slips downward.
12. With the screeching chalk, try to write in a straight line, while keeping the posters stuck to the wall as you try to emphasize all of the principles you believe in, but still have a hard time applying in your own life.
13. Hold the book you barely understand in one hand while trying to convince the people sitting in the metal folding chairs now staring at you like they don't believe a word you are saying that you are trying your hardest to get them to believe you.
14. Practice holding back the flood of painfully insecure tears and/or frustrating temper that keep trying to erupt.
15. Force yourself to try and avoid all of the bubble-filled words that keep building in your head about such things as quitting your calling and moving out of the Ward or suddenly developing an illness that won't allow you to teach any more.
16. Practice all of the above steps for no more than a period of 50 minutes.
17. Repeat steps 1 - 15 until you feel totally confident that you can be called as your Ward's next Gospel Doctrine teacher.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now prepared to be called as your Ward's next Successful Gospel Doctrine teacher.