OKAY MORE BREAKING NEWS: OUT OF THIS WORLD NEW MORMON PRODUCTS!!!

OUT OF THIS WORLD,
NEW MORMON PRODUCTS
YOU WON'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE BUT HERE
(AND BE SURE NOT TO MISS THE WORLD'S MOST BIZARRE MORMON HORRORSCOPE FOR WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23RD LISTED BELOW PRODUCTS)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

No-More-Jitters Transdermal Caffeine Patch: Guaranteed to finally get you over that heroine-like hump, there’ll be no more counting down the hours waiting for that no-other-way-to-be-satisfied-than-binging-on-an-endless-coke-or- chocolate fix. Never again will you have to fill up another gallon jug or rip open another one-pound box. All worries will be behind you with very own No-More-Jitters Transdermal Caffeine Patch. Feel free to call our toll free 24-hour hotline, 1-800-GIVEMEMYPATCH NOW!, and let our well-trained, special ambulance driver deliver this product right to your front door!

Disclaimer: If, for some reason, you have no self-control over the above-mentioned patch product (oops) we mean if the above-mentioned patch product fails to work properly for you, feel free to try our newest, even latest, hot off the chemistry lab table product: Coke or Chocolate I.V. Drips! Specially designed with a one-inch line attached to a ten gallon bottle, these juices can be delivered faster than the twinkling of a millenial eye. The Celestial Kingdom will never be better than this. Experience the Celestial Kingdom now!

Another new product that is nearly impossible to keep in stock right now is:
The World’s first Obedience Pills! No more problems keeping the commandments now. Who would have ever thought taking one teeny-tiny pill could, within minutes, eliminate the world of sin. With the swallow of one pill life will never be easier. Caution: This pill can cause irreversible side effects if not taken properly, including an enhanced desire to do horrible things to yourself and/or the people around you, covetousness, dishonoring parents, shopping on Sunday, inability to comprehend accountability and responsibility, headaches, stomach aches, lack of sleep, people who no longer like you, a reduced capacity to do good continually. ..................