FREAKY BREAKING NEWS: BRAND NEW MORMON HORRORSCOPE EXPLORES THE UNEXPLAINABLE

MORMON HORRORSCOPE FOR WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23RD, 2005:

LiFe Is InTeReStinG eNOuGH iF NoT tOTaLLy BiZaRrE
OR
WHY DO YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MUST LIVE WITH YOU THE MOST ...
... OR DO YOU?
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Some days it is definitely harder to get out of bed than others, and today will be no exception. You will become frustrated at a thought that keeps haunting you, chasing you like the Ward Scoutmaster who keeps calling you to try to get you to donate to the Friends of Scouting Program:

Out of all of the many six billion unique and individually good, bad, ugly (and a few fairly good-looking people) roaming the Earth, somehow, unexplainably and for some reason, part of this Earthly plan will involve you being forced to spend every day of your life -- meaning all 365 days multiplied by twenty-four hours multiplied by 60 minutes multiplied by 60 seconds multiplied by 80 years, equalling 2,522,880,000 seconds (or the amount of time it feels for a high councilman to give a talk on understanding the book of Isaiah) -- with yourself, uninterrupted, like the strongest most incredible chain that can't ever be broken, one complete continuum, one infinite and eternal round, the biggest test and trial of patience and long-suffering there is on the face of this Earth. No matter what your mood is, how evil your thoughts are, how big and out of shape your body gets, no matter who stares at you, who hates you, who points and laughs at you, one thing is guranteed, you are and always will be stuck with you. And then, as if that isn't bad enough, an even worse thought will (or, if your very lucky, this thought won’t) erupt:

Unable to get away from yourself for the 2.5 billion uninterrupted seconds you will spend on Earth is bad enough, but, out of all the six billion bodies roaming the Earth, why do you have to spend all of your 2.5 billion seconds in the body you chose or were given Why didn't you, couldn’t you have chosen (or be given) the opportunity to live out this Earthly experience in someone else’s body, like the body of Mr. or Ms. Universe? These thoughts will rumble through you, all day (also known as 86,400 seconds) until you become so physically and mentally tired, that you will have no choice but to retire for the night, just to get away from you, until you arise again tomorrow only to spend one more day with you. Fortunately, the thought will eventually occur to you that if you must spend your whole life with you, then why not quit fighting yourself and be your own very best friend. And because of this, you will have a new best friend.