TELESTIALLY FOCUSED BREAKING NEWS: THE TRUE FACTS BEHIND M.A.D.D. DISEASE (Mormon Attention Deficit Disorder)

M.A.D.D. DISEASE - THE TRUE FACTS EVERY MORMON MUST KNOW!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Recently, I was diagnosed with M.A.D.D disease – Mormon Attention Deficit Disorder . The doctor said I had the following symptoms and told me to inform anyone else who might suffer from this same yet very unique disease:

1. I come from a large family of people who all suffer from the exact same symptoms as I do.
2. I bore easily, which leads to a deep sleep, especially during long meetings.
3. I overeat the first Saturday night of each month.
4. I have a house with one room dedicated to food that no one ever eats.
5. I see death as a positive experience.
6. I only and always receive speeding tickets on Sunday mornings.
7. Even though I do not drink or smoke, I consume large quantities of coke and chocolate.
8. I can recite all of the ingredients in the funeral potatoes recipe.
9. I say, “Fetch, gosh darn it and shoot,” whenever I get mad.
10. My upper arms, upper legs and torso are always very, very pale.