EARTH-SHATTERING BREAKING NEWS: ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FOUND!!!!

ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FINALLY UNCOVERED:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Ancient Breaking News:

Domestic Violence Outbreak

Again Strikes The Lehi Family Household

Man Who Built Animal-filled Boat

Confesses To Floodings

Wife of Little Man Stuck in Whale's Mouth

Claims This Was Just Another Fish Story

Moses Finally Admits:

He Only Meant to Move The Red Sea

Over a Few Inches

Daniel Offers Suggestions

on Lion’s Den Etiquette

Goliath Claims David Stalked Him

Days Prior to Stoning

Cain Slays Abel Only Days After

Trying to Settle Sibling Dispute

on Jerry Springer Show

Dave Blackwell Votes Joseph Worst-Dressed,

Says Coat Is a Definite Stylish No-No

John the Revelator Claims To Have Found

the Fountain of Youth

Sarah Confesses to Being

The Original Old Lady Who Lived In a Shoe