How To Have a Successful Fourth of July LDS Family Reunion:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

General LDS Family Reunion Supplies Needed:

1 - Cheap Hamburger Meat
2 - Homemade Hamburger Buns
3 - Home-canned dill pickles from Grandma’s backyard that everyone’s leery of.
4 - Generic-brand potato chips
5 - Warm potato salad
6 - Dirty salt and pepper shakers
7 - Other left-overs in the cupboard that are now considered filler food
8 - Kool-aid that sure to give you Diabetes
9 - Three diet cokes
10 - Ten bags of Oreos, five chocolate cakes, twelve pans of brownies, a big bowl of m&m's.
11 - A few Xanax

Instructions:

Before eating, while everyone is starving, have Grandpa, in a very monotone voice, tell about his lengthy heritage, his years in the service and the gratitude everyone should have for our country.

Right before everyone is ready to slit their wrists if they have to hear one more word of Grandpa's speech, have Grandma look at Grandpa with a fake, surprised look -- acting as though she can’t understand why everyone would ever fall asleep during Grandpa’s talk when she was the first one to succumb. In her Relief Society voice, have her suggest to Grandpa that a blessing be given on the food.

Then, have Grandpa say, (‘cause Grandpa’s so insecure that he has to feel like everything is his idea) “I’ve got a great idea, Dear (Have him emphasize the word, Dear, as if saying, ‘Do this or else.’) Why don’t we sing one verse of the National Anthem before we have the prayer?” Have Grandma agree ‘cause she can’t disagree with Grandpa or the rest of the day is ruined.

Have the family sing, while cousin James in the pony tail walks off to take a cigarette break.

Following a musically dysfunctional rendition of the National Anthem, have everyone dive into the food as if they haven’t eaten in weeks even though every one is packing at least a few extra pounds. Have one of the distant cousins comment to the stranger next to him, “It’s nice we have songs like the National Anthem … to remind us of the importance of carrying a gun.” Have him chuckle and then wink.

Make sure everyone binges, and then have a few people purge.

Following dinner, divide the group into two groups, except for James who has gone for another smoke. Give each group an old, stained bed sheet in which a water balloon is placed in one bed sheet while the other group holding the other bed sheet tries to catch the water balloon. Have everyone laugh at this and feel a deep, eternal family bond. Then, after about a half hour, have one of the cousins suffering from ADHD suggest throwing something else from sheet to sheet. Have someone suggest the little three-year old that just walked by. Have the three-year-old say, “Sure,” at the suggestion and climb onto the sheet. Have the sheet drop and a few family members fall and everyone laugh in delight at the fun that can be had at a LDS family reunion.

Then, have the obnoxious cousin, whom everybody wonders what he did wrong in the pre-existence, suddenly grab a water balloon and start a water balloon fight. Have half the group having the time of their life, and the other half mad, including James who says, “That thing had better not hit me or else.”

Have the balloon hit James. Have James freaks out, then get in the face of the thirteen-year-old who threw it.

Have someone grab James and have uncelestial words start flying.

Have the whole thing eventually settle down and then, finally, at the end of the reunion, have someone say, “Wasn’t this a great family reunion? We need to do this again next year.”