MORMON HORRORSCOPE FOR FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2005 (Also known to Mormon's as
NTGIFFMBIHPMSLYATOTMDL or
NoThankGoodnessIt'sFridayForMe
BecauseIStillHaven'tPreparedMySundayLessonYet
AndThere'sOnlyTwoMoreDaysLeft! )
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
“Will I be put “on hold” in the next life too?” will be your thought as you begin your day waiting on the phone nearly twenty minutes, trying to ask your doctor one simple question.
You will recall your last trip to San Francisco, walking along the Golden Gate bridge, noticing all of the suicide hotline phone booths with the sign above them that read, “Don’t jump--Call!” And the Golden Gate bridge authority who told you that if you pick up the phone, the person on the other end of the suicide hotline will say, “Your call is very important to us. Please hold.” Even as a Mormon, with all of the truth you know and believe in, life will once again make absolutely no sense.
Suddenly you will remember the Ward dinner is tonight and panic! It’s way too late to make the second counselor in the Relief Society’s award-winning, eleven layer Jell-o recipe you swore -- on all of the Girl Scout cookies you just purchased -- that you would not ruin, like everyone else has done in the past. So now you have no choice but to go the grocery store deli and buy three different colors of Jell-o, chop them up and mix them together with a little bit of bonus Cool Whip, hoping Miss Eleven Layer Jell-o won’t notice the difference, and if she does, you are prepared to tell her that it’s been a rough week, seeing how your mother died in 2002 and that you hope she will understand and be patient with the grief process.
You will end up having fun at the Ward party, until the Sunday School President's child takes a leaping jump off the stage, afterwhich you and your spouse will offer to spend the rest of the evening babysitting his children while he and his wife take their child to the Emergency room for X-rays.
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