BECAUSE THIS IS BREAKING NEWS: BECAUSE I'M A MORMON!!!

Because I’m a Mormon:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Because I’m a Mormon, I will never abuse alcohol or smoke cigarettes, but I will be the first person to ever consume so much chocolate that my pancreas will nearly shut down.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will never speak unkindly to my neighbor, unless that neighbor happens to be the clueless referee who made that last second horrible call during my child’s Ward basketball game, at which time I will feel free to exercise my free agency and tell him what will happen to him if he ever does that again.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will always be obedient, unless that means driving under the speed limit on my way to or from any church meeting.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will fast the first Sunday of every month, unless there is a special at Sizzler’s.

Because I’m a Mormon I will never seek worldly praise, except for the night of my son’s Pinewood Derby, at which time I will do everything but kill to win first place.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will never covet anything, unless my neighbor buys another one of those new, slick water-skiing boats, at which time I will consider anything short of stealing to rip that beautiful boat right out of his brand new garage.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will always be willing to serve anywhere and everywhere, unless I’m called to be a Scout Leader, Nursery Leader, Ward Chorister, Ward Librarian, Compassionate Service Leader, anything in the Sunday School, Genealogy Specialists, Welfare Specialists, Ward Activities Chairperson, Weekday Achievement Leader, Primary Chorister, etc., etc., etc.

Because I’m a Mormon, I will never go into debt, unless there’s another one of those spectacular clearance sales at, Scrapbooker’s Heaven, down the street.

Because I’m Mormon, I will be very resourceful, in fact, I will be so resourceful that I will begin to become very fearful of ever throwing anything away again, which will lead me to experience so many obsessive compulsive behaviors regarding the many uses of each and every item on the face of the Earth, that I will have to go on very expensive medication, which will lead me to so many financial setbacks that I will eventually be forced to sell my home and rely on the goodness of the land which will eventually lead me to more, endless resources that I will also benefit from.