HAPPYJELLYBEANS IS BACK!!!!
AND JUST WHERE WAS HJB? HJB WENT ON VACATION!!!
WISH YOU COULD'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!!
BUT, WHILE ON VACATION, HAPPYJELLYBEANS NOTICED/THOUGHT OF/DILLUSIONED THE FOLLOWING:
(Now, don't go gettin' all ADHD on me. I've actually included TWO LDS thoughts for the day, to make up for my neglect: LDS Pronounced vs. English Pronounced Words and Things You'll Only Ever Find at a BYU Football Game)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WHAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING OF THE FOLLOWING LDS-PRONOUNCED WORDS?
(Example sentences used, for your convenience.)
Ki-en: "Hey, leave that ki-en alone. It's having ki-ens."
Shu-up: "No, you shu-up!"
Bu-on: "Oh no, I lost my bu-on."
Moun-ain: "Oh, wow, look at them pretty moun-ains."
Lay-on: "I live in Lay-on."
Mi-ens: "It's cold out. I think I'll put on my mi-ens."
Cur-ains: "Those cur-ains are filthy."
Fla-ened: "Now look. My bread is all fla-aned."
Go-en: "I should have go-en up at 8, but I slept in."
Hi-in’: "Quit hi-in' your sister!"
Ge-in’: "I should be ge-in' home, how 'bout you?"
Le-in’: "I keep le-in' the dog in and now Mom's mad at me."
Nu-in’: "I'm not doin' nu-in'. Why? Wanna do some-hin?
Pu-in’: "I keep pu-in' salt in my cereal instead of sugar."
THINGS YOU'LL ONLY EVER SEE
AT A BYU FOOTBALL GAME:
Fresh, homemade scones
Popcorn
Fans drinking milk
10,000 female fans wearing engagement rings
10,000 men yelling, "Shoot," each time a player fumbles the ball
Fans doing their home/visiting teaching during half-time
21,998 smiling faces
A "wave" that lasts nearly a full quarter
Pinkie CTR rings instead of pinkie football rings
Fully clothed cheerleaders
Monday, September 12, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
CRAZY BREAKING NEWS: WACKY LDS FACTS
Wacky LDS Facts:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A LDS hymnbook is exactly the same width as two half-pound Hershey Candy Bars.
While in a deep sleep, a high councilman’s breath can produce enough steam on a compact mirror to nearly produce moisture.
The average Ward chorister raises her arm 1.3 feet in the air to begin conducting a hymn.
Ever since startling an old man to death, Sunday School buzzers have been discouraged.
The same person who designed church classroom doors also designed bank vault doors.
On any given nursery hour, two million different germs circulate throughout the room.
On average, ten pounds of candy are eaten during every Ward Primary.
A relief society sister’s testimony usually is expressed in the same octave range as a dramatic Soprano.
On the first Saturday night of every month, enough food is consumed by LDS people to feed all of China, Japan and part of Russia.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A LDS hymnbook is exactly the same width as two half-pound Hershey Candy Bars.
While in a deep sleep, a high councilman’s breath can produce enough steam on a compact mirror to nearly produce moisture.
The average Ward chorister raises her arm 1.3 feet in the air to begin conducting a hymn.
Ever since startling an old man to death, Sunday School buzzers have been discouraged.
The same person who designed church classroom doors also designed bank vault doors.
On any given nursery hour, two million different germs circulate throughout the room.
On average, ten pounds of candy are eaten during every Ward Primary.
A relief society sister’s testimony usually is expressed in the same octave range as a dramatic Soprano.
On the first Saturday night of every month, enough food is consumed by LDS people to feed all of China, Japan and part of Russia.
Friday, August 19, 2005
UH OH BREAKING NEWS: TEN REASONS WHY LDS WOMEN DO THEIR VISITING TEACHING
Ten Reasons Why LDS Women DO Their Visiting Teaching
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the LDS woman loves knowing that she WILL go directly to Heaven for performing this one kind act each month.
2. Because the LDS woman loves the idea that Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to do something charitable for someone else each month.
3. Because Visiting Teaching satisfies the LDS woman's curiosity about whether or not the sister she is visiting teaching is a good housekeeper.
4. Because the LDS woman loves the feeling she gets from telling her friends that she is, in fact, a 100 percent Visiting Teacher, so she can feel good while all of her dearest friends feel horribly guilty.
5. Because Visiting Teaching is such a great way to say how concerned the LDS woman is about this person and that person in the Ward and is actually able to catch up on the latest Ward gossip.
6. Because the Visiting Teacher loves to bake homemade goodies and Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to give to someone all of these delicious, 3,000 fat grams per serving baked goods.
7. Because if the LDS woman did not Visit Teach, the LDS woman might be tempted to watch soap operas or trashy talk shows and then the LDS woman would fear she would never go to Heaven.
8. Because Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the opportunity to brag about all of her latest accomplishments -- including awards won by herself and her children, etc.
9. Because the LDS woman loves to hear herself give never-ending speeches about simple Gospel subjects and Visiting Teaching gives her the perfect opportunity to do so.
10. Because the LDS woman loves taking two full days out of every month, just to visit two people.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the LDS woman loves knowing that she WILL go directly to Heaven for performing this one kind act each month.
2. Because the LDS woman loves the idea that Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to do something charitable for someone else each month.
3. Because Visiting Teaching satisfies the LDS woman's curiosity about whether or not the sister she is visiting teaching is a good housekeeper.
4. Because the LDS woman loves the feeling she gets from telling her friends that she is, in fact, a 100 percent Visiting Teacher, so she can feel good while all of her dearest friends feel horribly guilty.
5. Because Visiting Teaching is such a great way to say how concerned the LDS woman is about this person and that person in the Ward and is actually able to catch up on the latest Ward gossip.
6. Because the Visiting Teacher loves to bake homemade goodies and Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to give to someone all of these delicious, 3,000 fat grams per serving baked goods.
7. Because if the LDS woman did not Visit Teach, the LDS woman might be tempted to watch soap operas or trashy talk shows and then the LDS woman would fear she would never go to Heaven.
8. Because Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the opportunity to brag about all of her latest accomplishments -- including awards won by herself and her children, etc.
9. Because the LDS woman loves to hear herself give never-ending speeches about simple Gospel subjects and Visiting Teaching gives her the perfect opportunity to do so.
10. Because the LDS woman loves taking two full days out of every month, just to visit two people.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
TRUE CONFESSIONS BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY LDS MEN DON'T DO THEIR HOMETEACHING
TRUE CONFESSIONS: Top Ten Reasons Why LDS Men Don't Do Their Hometeaching
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the families never answer their door when LDS man stops by on the last day of each month at 11 p.m.
2. Because the LDS man does not know any of the names of the LDS families the LDS man is supposed to hometeach.
3. Because LDS man feels he must stay home with his family, just in case the Second Coming suddenly arrives.
4. Because the LDS man actually does do his hometeaching...as he passes his hometeaching families in the hallways at Church.
5. Because the LDS man has done so many other things right in his life that the LDS man is afraid if he does do his hometeaching he will be translated and his family needs him too much.
6. Because the LDS man is afraid of what might happen if while doing his hometaching, the LDS man accidentally became injured and he needed to sue the LDS hometeaching family, so, out of compassion for the LDS family, LDS man is not going to take any risks.
7. Because once, when he was hometeaching with his father as a young boy, the LDS man had a traumatic experience with a vicious dog, and so, for mentally medicinal reasons, therapists have advised him never to do his hometeaching.
8. Because the LDS man refuses to have HIS Ward be one of THOSE WARDS Wards that brags about having 100% hometeaching.
9. Because the LDS man tries to do his hometeaching, but everytime he gets in his car, Satan tempts him and he goes to the gym instead.
10. Because the LDS man's hometeachers never come over to hometeach him.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the families never answer their door when LDS man stops by on the last day of each month at 11 p.m.
2. Because the LDS man does not know any of the names of the LDS families the LDS man is supposed to hometeach.
3. Because LDS man feels he must stay home with his family, just in case the Second Coming suddenly arrives.
4. Because the LDS man actually does do his hometeaching...as he passes his hometeaching families in the hallways at Church.
5. Because the LDS man has done so many other things right in his life that the LDS man is afraid if he does do his hometeaching he will be translated and his family needs him too much.
6. Because the LDS man is afraid of what might happen if while doing his hometaching, the LDS man accidentally became injured and he needed to sue the LDS hometeaching family, so, out of compassion for the LDS family, LDS man is not going to take any risks.
7. Because once, when he was hometeaching with his father as a young boy, the LDS man had a traumatic experience with a vicious dog, and so, for mentally medicinal reasons, therapists have advised him never to do his hometeaching.
8. Because the LDS man refuses to have HIS Ward be one of THOSE WARDS Wards that brags about having 100% hometeaching.
9. Because the LDS man tries to do his hometeaching, but everytime he gets in his car, Satan tempts him and he goes to the gym instead.
10. Because the LDS man's hometeachers never come over to hometeach him.
Monday, August 15, 2005
FUNATTER-DAY SAINTS BREAKING NEWS: MORE MIPPETS
More Mippets !!!
(by Bettyanne Bruin, from an original idea by greedykristian. Used with permission.)
Mippet: Noun. Definition: Mormon snippet. Example: Members of the LDS church are very unique and famous for all of the many mippets they possess.
Thank you, Abrasivist, for your e-mailed comment about Mippets. E-mailed comments are one of the things I enjoy most about happyjellybeans.
From Abrasivist:
Lamment: Noun. Definition: mixing lame with comment.
happyjellybeans example: "Many times in Sunday School class, there is a lot of lammenting going on."
Funatter-day Saint: Adverb. Definition: A Mormon who likes to have a lot of fun. "I just love what a funatter-day Saint Martha is."
Shayer: Noun. Definition: Short prayer: "I'm so tired tonight that I think I'll just say a shayer." Or, "Geez, can't you remember it's Fast Sunday? I'm starving, so just hurry up and say a shayer!"
Badair. Noun. Definition: Bad hair. Example: "Sometimes people in some Wards really suffer from some pretty aweful badair (i.e. toupes that don't match, Marge Simpson hairstyles)."
Rushtoseconds. Noun. Definition: Storming the buffet table at a Ward dinner. Example: "Last time our Ward had a Ward dinner, it was embarassing how many people would rushtoseconds. I don't know if I'll ever bring my non-member neighbor again."
(by Bettyanne Bruin, from an original idea by greedykristian. Used with permission.)
Mippet: Noun. Definition: Mormon snippet. Example: Members of the LDS church are very unique and famous for all of the many mippets they possess.
Thank you, Abrasivist, for your e-mailed comment about Mippets. E-mailed comments are one of the things I enjoy most about happyjellybeans.
From Abrasivist:
Lamment: Noun. Definition: mixing lame with comment.
happyjellybeans example: "Many times in Sunday School class, there is a lot of lammenting going on."
Funatter-day Saint: Adverb. Definition: A Mormon who likes to have a lot of fun. "I just love what a funatter-day Saint Martha is."
Shayer: Noun. Definition: Short prayer: "I'm so tired tonight that I think I'll just say a shayer." Or, "Geez, can't you remember it's Fast Sunday? I'm starving, so just hurry up and say a shayer!"
Badair. Noun. Definition: Bad hair. Example: "Sometimes people in some Wards really suffer from some pretty aweful badair (i.e. toupes that don't match, Marge Simpson hairstyles)."
Rushtoseconds. Noun. Definition: Storming the buffet table at a Ward dinner. Example: "Last time our Ward had a Ward dinner, it was embarassing how many people would rushtoseconds. I don't know if I'll ever bring my non-member neighbor again."
Friday, August 12, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: COMPOUND MORMON WORDS
COMPOUND MORMON WORDS: MIPPETS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Compound word: A compound word is made when two words are joined to form a new word
The first three are contributions from a well-known author, greedykristian:
Spord: VerbCompounded words: Super bored, Example: "All this talk of pioneers is making me spord".
Juckle: VerbCompounded words: Jovial ChuckleExample: "When Brother Matthews slept so soundly on the back row of the chapel that he fell asleep, I had to juckle."
Sly laughter: VerbCompounded words: Sly Laughter, Example: "When Sister Crazy sings in church, Randy and I crouch down in our pew and slaughter."
happyjellbeans offering:
Sobimony: A testimony filled with sobbing tears.
...more soon...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Compound word: A compound word is made when two words are joined to form a new word
The first three are contributions from a well-known author, greedykristian:
Spord: VerbCompounded words: Super bored, Example: "All this talk of pioneers is making me spord".
Juckle: VerbCompounded words: Jovial ChuckleExample: "When Brother Matthews slept so soundly on the back row of the chapel that he fell asleep, I had to juckle."
Sly laughter: VerbCompounded words: Sly Laughter, Example: "When Sister Crazy sings in church, Randy and I crouch down in our pew and slaughter."
happyjellbeans offering:
Sobimony: A testimony filled with sobbing tears.
...more soon...
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
CHOOSE THE RIGHT BREAKING NEWS: WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS SAY/WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS THINK!!!
WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS SAY/WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS THINK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"Reverence really does begin with me and you." (But if you don’t get quiet soon, massive verbal abuse and maybe even some violence is going to begin to erupt here. You'll be seeing some of my own signs of the times.)
"Treats are wonderful. Isn't it wonderful that everyone loves treats and they can serve such a useful purpose." (Yeah, right. Whoever invented treats oughta be shot. No one ever remembers to buy them until after they’ve jumped into bed on Saturday night. And, the only thing the kids expect in the class is not a lesson or love, but oh boy, we’d better have those treats ready or else!)
"Saturday is such a special day." (‘Cause I’m not in church teaching Primary.)
"We’re gonna have such a great time teaching Sharing Time." (After my Xanax kicks in.)
"When we’re happy, we’re helping." (You've got to be kidding? Whoever wrote THIS song oughta be shot. I can’t ever get anyone to help me, let alone be happy about it.)
"Choose the right." (Ha! Sometimes it feels like Chance To get Revenge).
"The lesson objective for today is..." (Objective? The only real objective here is to make sure to get out of here with my life and my sanity.)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"Reverence really does begin with me and you." (But if you don’t get quiet soon, massive verbal abuse and maybe even some violence is going to begin to erupt here. You'll be seeing some of my own signs of the times.)
"Treats are wonderful. Isn't it wonderful that everyone loves treats and they can serve such a useful purpose." (Yeah, right. Whoever invented treats oughta be shot. No one ever remembers to buy them until after they’ve jumped into bed on Saturday night. And, the only thing the kids expect in the class is not a lesson or love, but oh boy, we’d better have those treats ready or else!)
"Saturday is such a special day." (‘Cause I’m not in church teaching Primary.)
"We’re gonna have such a great time teaching Sharing Time." (After my Xanax kicks in.)
"When we’re happy, we’re helping." (You've got to be kidding? Whoever wrote THIS song oughta be shot. I can’t ever get anyone to help me, let alone be happy about it.)
"Choose the right." (Ha! Sometimes it feels like Chance To get Revenge).
"The lesson objective for today is..." (Objective? The only real objective here is to make sure to get out of here with my life and my sanity.)
Friday, July 29, 2005
K, so, the mind behind happyjellybeans turned, in rap language, fiddy this week. The mind behind happyjellybeans hates that when that happens. Another decade gone by. Whew. That one was quick. Oh well...
BREAKING NEWS: Thank you, to whomever felt comfortable and confident enough to contribute their input to happyjellybeans. You done good. The posting? "If your own child is finally old enough to attend nursery allowing you a peaceful Sunday school lesson - you're new calling will obviously be nursery worker." Awesome. I love it. This is in reference to the posting: LDS NURSERY LAWS.
Please feel free to add your fiddy cents. Everyone is welcome to contribute to this site. We all have something to say, we just don't know where to say it. Well, to borrow a famous quote, "This is the place." Join us, as often as you'd like, and say whatever you feel. Your thoughts and ideas WILL be posted!!! Cool.
Okay, so, in honor of my fiddieth year on Earth, the blog for today goes as follows...
LDS Rap Songs Anyone Can Sing
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Scout Gangstas Gonna Earn Der Eagle? by Boyz N Da Trupe
Ruff Ryders Uv Family Hizteries by Jurnelz, Penz ‘n Paperz
Headin’ St8t For Da Heavenz by The Zelestial Boyz
Trippin' Over Da Toddlerz by The Nursery Chix
Smile In Your Sleep, Mr. H.P. by C-pap Machines Rule
I Be Good I Promise by Never in Primary You Won't
Outa Darkness Be Not For Me by Wanna B. Goodie
Da World Has Need of Willing De Mans (A remix) by M&Ms
BREAKING NEWS: Thank you, to whomever felt comfortable and confident enough to contribute their input to happyjellybeans. You done good. The posting? "If your own child is finally old enough to attend nursery allowing you a peaceful Sunday school lesson - you're new calling will obviously be nursery worker." Awesome. I love it. This is in reference to the posting: LDS NURSERY LAWS.
Please feel free to add your fiddy cents. Everyone is welcome to contribute to this site. We all have something to say, we just don't know where to say it. Well, to borrow a famous quote, "This is the place." Join us, as often as you'd like, and say whatever you feel. Your thoughts and ideas WILL be posted!!! Cool.
Okay, so, in honor of my fiddieth year on Earth, the blog for today goes as follows...
LDS Rap Songs Anyone Can Sing
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Scout Gangstas Gonna Earn Der Eagle? by Boyz N Da Trupe
Ruff Ryders Uv Family Hizteries by Jurnelz, Penz ‘n Paperz
Headin’ St8t For Da Heavenz by The Zelestial Boyz
Trippin' Over Da Toddlerz by The Nursery Chix
Smile In Your Sleep, Mr. H.P. by C-pap Machines Rule
I Be Good I Promise by Never in Primary You Won't
Outa Darkness Be Not For Me by Wanna B. Goodie
Da World Has Need of Willing De Mans (A remix) by M&Ms
Friday, July 22, 2005
YEE-HA BREAKING NEWS: PIONEER GREETING CARDS!!!
Yee-ha! Pioneer greeting cards, just in time for the 24th!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Count Your Blessings:
May your hive always be filled with honey.
May your whore hound candy dish always be o’erflowing.
May your cabin not be completely overwhelmed with dirt.
May the seagulls continue to get rid of all those crickets.
Be grateful…things could be worse…
We could be cavemen!
From the first time I saw in your full-length gown and bonnet,
I’ve dreamed of shaking your hand.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
Congratulations on arriving in the valley.
You did a great job crossing the plains.
All that work and sweat and tears,
And pulling that handcart too.
Happy, 8th birthday, son!!!
Happy Halloween.
Isn’t it nice knowing
That someday,
A whole generation of people
Will dress up like you
And go door to door,
Making people laugh at how funny they look
And give them candy as a thank you
For a moment of sheer entertainment.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
It’s nice that after all those mornings with nothing but mush in the cabin,
and all of those daily potato cake suppers,
That at least one day a year
We get to eat a seven-course meal.
Christmas is one gift under the tree.
Christmas is stockings made of Dad's old socks, hanging from the hearth.
Christmas is a tender roast from the cow we just killed.
Christmas is snuggling together to keep from freezing to death.
Christmas is taking that once-a-month bath.
Ah, Christmas…the best time of year.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Count Your Blessings:
May your hive always be filled with honey.
May your whore hound candy dish always be o’erflowing.
May your cabin not be completely overwhelmed with dirt.
May the seagulls continue to get rid of all those crickets.
Be grateful…things could be worse…
We could be cavemen!
Happy New Year!!!
Knowing that in this wonderful time period in which we live,
That there are barely forty years to a person’s life,
Enjoy each New Year to the fullest
‘Cause there aren’t very many of them to come around.
From the first time I saw in your full-length gown and bonnet,
I’ve dreamed of shaking your hand.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
Congratulations on arriving in the valley.
You did a great job crossing the plains.
All that work and sweat and tears,
And pulling that handcart too.
Happy, 8th birthday, son!!!
Happy Halloween.
Isn’t it nice knowing
That someday,
A whole generation of people
Will dress up like you
And go door to door,
Making people laugh at how funny they look
And give them candy as a thank you
For a moment of sheer entertainment.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
It’s nice that after all those mornings with nothing but mush in the cabin,
and all of those daily potato cake suppers,
That at least one day a year
We get to eat a seven-course meal.
Christmas is one gift under the tree.
Christmas is stockings made of Dad's old socks, hanging from the hearth.
Christmas is a tender roast from the cow we just killed.
Christmas is snuggling together to keep from freezing to death.
Christmas is taking that once-a-month bath.
Ah, Christmas…the best time of year.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
COMMERCIALLY FANTASTIC BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS!!!
FINALLY: THE HALL OF FAME OF THE MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS:
Have it your frickin’ way.
A little dab of genealogy’ll do ya.
It’s scrapbooking time!
Reach out and home teach someone.
Can you hear me snore now?
The chorister is ready when you are.
Let your missionaries do the teaching.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a Relief Society is.
When you care enough to teach the very best.
Got genealogy?
A little dab of genealogy’ll do ya.
It’s scrapbooking time!
Reach out and home teach someone.
Can you hear me snore now?
The chorister is ready when you are.
Let your missionaries do the teaching.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a Relief Society is.
When you care enough to teach the very best.
Got genealogy?
Monday, July 18, 2005
AIRHEAD BREAKING NEWS: LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES
LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES
(By Bettyanne also the Blonde Bruin)
A blonde was sitting next to a brunette at church singing, We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.
When they got to the fifth before the last stanza of the last verse, the one blonde leaned over to the brunette and said, “That chorister doesn’t look pregnant to me.”
The brunette said, 'And we know that deliverance is nigh,’ isn’t talking about pregnancy, it’s talking about being delivered from evil!”
After church, the blonde goes to choir practice. At the end of practice, the blonde asks a fellow choir member for a ride home. When they arrive at the blonde’s residence, the blonde’s car is not in the driveway. The blonde exclaims, “My car!” to which the woman driving her home says, “Where’s your car? Has it been stolen?” “No,” the blonde replies. “I just remembered: I drove to choir practice today.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and the daughters of Ishmael?
The daughters of Ishmael had to walk everywhere they went.
A daughter of Ishmael walks around Zarahemla, carrying a pig under one arm.
A man, passing by, says, “Where’d you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her at a town raffle.”
Why couldn’t the dumb blonde watch Abinadi burn in the fire?
‘Cause she was afraid the bright lights might hurt her eyes.
What did the dumb blonde say to Nephi when his brothers had bound and gagged him?
That sure looks like strong rope.
What did the dumb blonde say when she saw Samuel standing on the city wall?
I never knew there was a wall there.
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to walk to Zarahemla?
She saw a sign saying: "Zarahelma Left" so she went home.
What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and when Alma the Younger was struck dumb?
Alma the Younger was laying down.
(By Bettyanne also the Blonde Bruin)
A blonde was sitting next to a brunette at church singing, We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.
When they got to the fifth before the last stanza of the last verse, the one blonde leaned over to the brunette and said, “That chorister doesn’t look pregnant to me.”
The brunette said, 'And we know that deliverance is nigh,’ isn’t talking about pregnancy, it’s talking about being delivered from evil!”
After church, the blonde goes to choir practice. At the end of practice, the blonde asks a fellow choir member for a ride home. When they arrive at the blonde’s residence, the blonde’s car is not in the driveway. The blonde exclaims, “My car!” to which the woman driving her home says, “Where’s your car? Has it been stolen?” “No,” the blonde replies. “I just remembered: I drove to choir practice today.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and the daughters of Ishmael?
The daughters of Ishmael had to walk everywhere they went.
A daughter of Ishmael walks around Zarahemla, carrying a pig under one arm.
A man, passing by, says, “Where’d you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her at a town raffle.”
Why couldn’t the dumb blonde watch Abinadi burn in the fire?
‘Cause she was afraid the bright lights might hurt her eyes.
What did the dumb blonde say to Nephi when his brothers had bound and gagged him?
That sure looks like strong rope.
What did the dumb blonde say when she saw Samuel standing on the city wall?
I never knew there was a wall there.
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to walk to Zarahemla?
She saw a sign saying: "Zarahelma Left" so she went home.
What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and when Alma the Younger was struck dumb?
Alma the Younger was laying down.
Friday, July 15, 2005
ANCIENT BREAKING NEWS: NAGGING WORDS FROM THE MOTHERS OF PEOPLE FROM THE BOOK OF MORMON
Nagging Words
From the Mothers
of People From the Book of Mormon
(Can you guess who each one is?)
(By Bettyane Bruin)
“I told you not to set down that bow! Every time you do, you forget where you put it, you step on it and then break it!”
“If you don’t start keeping better track of your things, some day you’re gonna lose your own head!”
“Why can’t you have a better sense of direction? Ever since I’ve know you, you’re always getting lost!”
“You buried what? Where?”
“If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fire!”
“You can talk and you can hear, so sit up.”
“You traveled in the sea by the way of what? And you could see by the light of five what?”
“You’re going to follow a group of men to the desert and marry them? Are you crazy?”
“Quit waving that flag so hard. You’re gonna hit somebody!”
“It’s nice you prayed all night, but where’s the beast you promised you’d bring home?”
“You and your secrets. Some day they're all going to combine up against you!”
From the Mothers
of People From the Book of Mormon
(Can you guess who each one is?)
(By Bettyane Bruin)
“I told you not to set down that bow! Every time you do, you forget where you put it, you step on it and then break it!”
“If you don’t start keeping better track of your things, some day you’re gonna lose your own head!”
“Why can’t you have a better sense of direction? Ever since I’ve know you, you’re always getting lost!”
“You buried what? Where?”
“If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fire!”
“You can talk and you can hear, so sit up.”
“You traveled in the sea by the way of what? And you could see by the light of five what?”
“You’re going to follow a group of men to the desert and marry them? Are you crazy?”
“Quit waving that flag so hard. You’re gonna hit somebody!”
“It’s nice you prayed all night, but where’s the beast you promised you’d bring home?”
“You and your secrets. Some day they're all going to combine up against you!”
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
PRIMARY BREAKING NEWS: WHY HEAVEN LIKES PRIMARY CHILDREN THE BEST
Why Heaven Likes Primary Children the Best:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
STARVING BREAKING NEWS: The Official LDS Fast Sunday Diet
The Official LDS Fast Sunday Diet
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
6 a.m.: No food.
7 a.m.: No food at all.
8 a.m.: Even more no food.
9 a.m.: No food still.
10 a.m.: NO food.
11 a.m.: NO FOOD!
12 p.m.: Still absolutely no food enters mouth.
1 p.m.: No intake of food between lips remains at an all-time high.
2 p.m.: Brain still registering that zero amount of food intake is still occurring.
3 p.m.: Absolutely nothing enters the mouth, still, food wise.
4 p.m.: NO, NO, NO, NO FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!
5 p.m: Where the h&#! is the d@*! food?
5:57 p.m.: Convinced dehydration is compromising system, upon entering house after church, a small amount of water is consumed.
5:58: Two Oreo cookies, sitting on the counter, are inadvertently placed in mouth.
5:59 p.m.: A handful of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, otherwise despised on any other day, is now rapidly consumed.
6:00 p.m.: To the Amen, the first bite of roast, dipped in gravy is eaten.
From 6:01 to 7 p.m.:
One pound of roast dipped in three cups of gravy.
One baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Another baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Four homemade rolls.
Six heaping spoonfuls of Jell-O Salad mixed with Cool Whip and fruit.
Ten glasses of iced Soda.
Cooked carrots and butter bowl licked clean.
8 p.m.: Leftovers from yesterday’s dinner consumed.
9 p.m.: Bowl of cereal missed during morning fast now consumed.
10 p.m.: Eleven brownies, last three brownies in a bowl with ice cream and hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream and cherry.
11 p.m.: Two tablespoons Pepto Bismal
2 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal
5 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal.
"After trying everything to put on weight, I finally tried this diet for twele months (and I'm not even Mormon).I put on nearly forty-five pounds, which was good, 'cause the doctor said if I didn't put on any weight, something bad might happen to me. Thanks, LDS Official Fast Sunday diet!" a satsified person in Utah.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
6 a.m.: No food.
7 a.m.: No food at all.
8 a.m.: Even more no food.
9 a.m.: No food still.
10 a.m.: NO food.
11 a.m.: NO FOOD!
12 p.m.: Still absolutely no food enters mouth.
1 p.m.: No intake of food between lips remains at an all-time high.
2 p.m.: Brain still registering that zero amount of food intake is still occurring.
3 p.m.: Absolutely nothing enters the mouth, still, food wise.
4 p.m.: NO, NO, NO, NO FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!
5 p.m: Where the h&#! is the d@*! food?
5:57 p.m.: Convinced dehydration is compromising system, upon entering house after church, a small amount of water is consumed.
5:58: Two Oreo cookies, sitting on the counter, are inadvertently placed in mouth.
5:59 p.m.: A handful of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, otherwise despised on any other day, is now rapidly consumed.
6:00 p.m.: To the Amen, the first bite of roast, dipped in gravy is eaten.
From 6:01 to 7 p.m.:
One pound of roast dipped in three cups of gravy.
One baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Another baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Four homemade rolls.
Six heaping spoonfuls of Jell-O Salad mixed with Cool Whip and fruit.
Ten glasses of iced Soda.
Cooked carrots and butter bowl licked clean.
8 p.m.: Leftovers from yesterday’s dinner consumed.
9 p.m.: Bowl of cereal missed during morning fast now consumed.
10 p.m.: Eleven brownies, last three brownies in a bowl with ice cream and hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream and cherry.
11 p.m.: Two tablespoons Pepto Bismal
2 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal
5 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal.
"After trying everything to put on weight, I finally tried this diet for twele months (and I'm not even Mormon).I put on nearly forty-five pounds, which was good, 'cause the doctor said if I didn't put on any weight, something bad might happen to me. Thanks, LDS Official Fast Sunday diet!" a satsified person in Utah.
Monday, July 11, 2005
FAMILIAL BREAKING NEWS: INGREDIENTS FOR A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY HOME EVENING
Ingredients for a Successful Family Home Evening:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: 1 to 100 family members, each carrying some type of challenge that keeps them one fight short of a complete nervous breakdown.
Second: 1 homemade treat, preferably homemade ice cream, S’mores, Rice Krispie treats, brownies or that 9X13 cake with holes punched in it dripping with caramel and Cool Whip on top.
Third: 1 clock, totally in bird’s eye of Father, so he hawk-eye it enough to know when the second arrives to announce that the prearranged time of twenty minutes has arrived and FHE is over or else.
Fourth: 1 newspaper nearby for father to eye over and/or sneak onto lap.
Fifth: 1 time-out chair, empty and ready to go, so Father can stand and point while ordering disobedient child go there or else.
Instructions:
1. Yell for family to gather.
2. Threaten to ground those family members who take too long to gather, including 90 year-old Grandpa who now lives with the family.
3. Have an opening prayer.
4. Ask if there is any family business.
5. At 10 p.m., after the last fight has finally ended, have a closing prayer,
or, if there is no family business:
play hangman to introduce lesson theme, attempt to give as much of the lesson as possible before the huge, out of control, FHE-ending fight breaks out.
6. Have a closing prayer.
7. Servethe treat.
8. Make assignments for next Monday’s FHE.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: 1 to 100 family members, each carrying some type of challenge that keeps them one fight short of a complete nervous breakdown.
Second: 1 homemade treat, preferably homemade ice cream, S’mores, Rice Krispie treats, brownies or that 9X13 cake with holes punched in it dripping with caramel and Cool Whip on top.
Third: 1 clock, totally in bird’s eye of Father, so he hawk-eye it enough to know when the second arrives to announce that the prearranged time of twenty minutes has arrived and FHE is over or else.
Fourth: 1 newspaper nearby for father to eye over and/or sneak onto lap.
Fifth: 1 time-out chair, empty and ready to go, so Father can stand and point while ordering disobedient child go there or else.
Instructions:
1. Yell for family to gather.
2. Threaten to ground those family members who take too long to gather, including 90 year-old Grandpa who now lives with the family.
3. Have an opening prayer.
4. Ask if there is any family business.
5. At 10 p.m., after the last fight has finally ended, have a closing prayer,
or, if there is no family business:
play hangman to introduce lesson theme, attempt to give as much of the lesson as possible before the huge, out of control, FHE-ending fight breaks out.
6. Have a closing prayer.
7. Servethe treat.
8. Make assignments for next Monday’s FHE.
Friday, July 08, 2005
ENDLESS BREAKING NEWS: OCD GENEALOGIST'S PHONE MESSAGES
PHONE MESSAGES FROM AN AVID GENEALOGIST:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Our teenager, Jon, is still dead to the world, but if your message will help bring him back to life, please hurry and press one.
If you’re searching for Susie, your research has just come to a satisfying end. Please smile and press two.
If you are a descendant of Adam and Eve, please leave your name, number and a brief message. If you are not a descendant of Adam and Eve, you’ve got bigger problems than us not being home.
The hearts of the children have truly been turned towards their fathers as well as the rest of mankind. Please leave your name, number and a brief message and we’ll return your call shortly, so you, in turn, can call us and we, in turn, can call you back.
This is the Ray Johnson family. Please leave your given name, your surname, the proper date and the exact time of your call and we will get back to you shortly.
Our records continue to indicate that this is the William Waccholz family located in the city of South Pasadena, in the state of California, in the county of Los Angeles. Please record your message, so we can check the recording and get back to you as soon as is humanly possible.
The acorn doesn’t fall far from the family tree, and neither do we, so please do not trunkate or branch out your message too far. Just leaf something brief and we’ll get to the root of your call and give you a bark shortly.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Our teenager, Jon, is still dead to the world, but if your message will help bring him back to life, please hurry and press one.
If you’re searching for Susie, your research has just come to a satisfying end. Please smile and press two.
If you are a descendant of Adam and Eve, please leave your name, number and a brief message. If you are not a descendant of Adam and Eve, you’ve got bigger problems than us not being home.
The hearts of the children have truly been turned towards their fathers as well as the rest of mankind. Please leave your name, number and a brief message and we’ll return your call shortly, so you, in turn, can call us and we, in turn, can call you back.
This is the Ray Johnson family. Please leave your given name, your surname, the proper date and the exact time of your call and we will get back to you shortly.
Our records continue to indicate that this is the William Waccholz family located in the city of South Pasadena, in the state of California, in the county of Los Angeles. Please record your message, so we can check the recording and get back to you as soon as is humanly possible.
The acorn doesn’t fall far from the family tree, and neither do we, so please do not trunkate or branch out your message too far. Just leaf something brief and we’ll get to the root of your call and give you a bark shortly.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Advice on How to be a Successful Primary Teacher From a Newly Released Primary Teacher:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Up the credit limit on your Costco card for the ten pound candy treat purchases you will have to make each week, or else.
Second: Hire a good, qualified anger management counselor, one who specializes in ADHD.
Third: Make sure to make friends with at least a few say-yes-to-anything type people in the Ward for those times when you have no choice but to find a substitute.
Fourth: Be willing and ready to change your home phone number at any and/or every moment’s notice.
Fifth: Be willing and able to stay awake through Sacrament meeting in order to prepare your lesson.
Sixth: Work on your self-esteem so it is so intact that you will not feel the slightest bit rediculous sitting up in the choir seats at the front of the chapel surrounded by eighty-plus children, feeling totally oversized and humliated, during the Children’s Sacrament Meeting program.
Seventh: Make sure to have countless impromptu lessons ready for teaching as many as up to 80 children, ranging in age from 3 to 12, for those times when any or all of the other teachers pull a no-show.
Eighth: Practice smiling in front of the mirror until that smile can remain on your face no matter what the circumstance.
Ninth: Bookmark the word, "reverence," in your dictionary so you can look it up often to remind yourself of what the word really means.
Tenth: Work hard to keep your testimony killer-strong for those days when the second and third church-time hours of persecution really get rough.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Up the credit limit on your Costco card for the ten pound candy treat purchases you will have to make each week, or else.
Second: Hire a good, qualified anger management counselor, one who specializes in ADHD.
Third: Make sure to make friends with at least a few say-yes-to-anything type people in the Ward for those times when you have no choice but to find a substitute.
Fourth: Be willing and ready to change your home phone number at any and/or every moment’s notice.
Fifth: Be willing and able to stay awake through Sacrament meeting in order to prepare your lesson.
Sixth: Work on your self-esteem so it is so intact that you will not feel the slightest bit rediculous sitting up in the choir seats at the front of the chapel surrounded by eighty-plus children, feeling totally oversized and humliated, during the Children’s Sacrament Meeting program.
Seventh: Make sure to have countless impromptu lessons ready for teaching as many as up to 80 children, ranging in age from 3 to 12, for those times when any or all of the other teachers pull a no-show.
Eighth: Practice smiling in front of the mirror until that smile can remain on your face no matter what the circumstance.
Ninth: Bookmark the word, "reverence," in your dictionary so you can look it up often to remind yourself of what the word really means.
Tenth: Work hard to keep your testimony killer-strong for those days when the second and third church-time hours of persecution really get rough.
Friday, July 01, 2005
How To Have a Successful Fourth of July LDS Family Reunion:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
General LDS Family Reunion Supplies Needed:
1 - Cheap Hamburger Meat
2 - Homemade Hamburger Buns
3 - Home-canned dill pickles from Grandma’s backyard that everyone’s leery of.
4 - Generic-brand potato chips
5 - Warm potato salad
6 - Dirty salt and pepper shakers
7 - Other left-overs in the cupboard that are now considered filler food
8 - Kool-aid that sure to give you Diabetes
9 - Three diet cokes
10 - Ten bags of Oreos, five chocolate cakes, twelve pans of brownies, a big bowl of m&m's.
11 - A few Xanax
Instructions:
Before eating, while everyone is starving, have Grandpa, in a very monotone voice, tell about his lengthy heritage, his years in the service and the gratitude everyone should have for our country.
Right before everyone is ready to slit their wrists if they have to hear one more word of Grandpa's speech, have Grandma look at Grandpa with a fake, surprised look -- acting as though she can’t understand why everyone would ever fall asleep during Grandpa’s talk when she was the first one to succumb. In her Relief Society voice, have her suggest to Grandpa that a blessing be given on the food.
Then, have Grandpa say, (‘cause Grandpa’s so insecure that he has to feel like everything is his idea) “I’ve got a great idea, Dear (Have him emphasize the word, Dear, as if saying, ‘Do this or else.’) Why don’t we sing one verse of the National Anthem before we have the prayer?” Have Grandma agree ‘cause she can’t disagree with Grandpa or the rest of the day is ruined.
Have the family sing, while cousin James in the pony tail walks off to take a cigarette break.
Following a musically dysfunctional rendition of the National Anthem, have everyone dive into the food as if they haven’t eaten in weeks even though every one is packing at least a few extra pounds. Have one of the distant cousins comment to the stranger next to him, “It’s nice we have songs like the National Anthem … to remind us of the importance of carrying a gun.” Have him chuckle and then wink.
Make sure everyone binges, and then have a few people purge.
Following dinner, divide the group into two groups, except for James who has gone for another smoke. Give each group an old, stained bed sheet in which a water balloon is placed in one bed sheet while the other group holding the other bed sheet tries to catch the water balloon. Have everyone laugh at this and feel a deep, eternal family bond. Then, after about a half hour, have one of the cousins suffering from ADHD suggest throwing something else from sheet to sheet. Have someone suggest the little three-year old that just walked by. Have the three-year-old say, “Sure,” at the suggestion and climb onto the sheet. Have the sheet drop and a few family members fall and everyone laugh in delight at the fun that can be had at a LDS family reunion.
Then, have the obnoxious cousin, whom everybody wonders what he did wrong in the pre-existence, suddenly grab a water balloon and start a water balloon fight. Have half the group having the time of their life, and the other half mad, including James who says, “That thing had better not hit me or else.”
Have the balloon hit James. Have James freaks out, then get in the face of the thirteen-year-old who threw it.
Have someone grab James and have uncelestial words start flying.
Have the whole thing eventually settle down and then, finally, at the end of the reunion, have someone say, “Wasn’t this a great family reunion? We need to do this again next year.”
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
General LDS Family Reunion Supplies Needed:
1 - Cheap Hamburger Meat
2 - Homemade Hamburger Buns
3 - Home-canned dill pickles from Grandma’s backyard that everyone’s leery of.
4 - Generic-brand potato chips
5 - Warm potato salad
6 - Dirty salt and pepper shakers
7 - Other left-overs in the cupboard that are now considered filler food
8 - Kool-aid that sure to give you Diabetes
9 - Three diet cokes
10 - Ten bags of Oreos, five chocolate cakes, twelve pans of brownies, a big bowl of m&m's.
11 - A few Xanax
Instructions:
Before eating, while everyone is starving, have Grandpa, in a very monotone voice, tell about his lengthy heritage, his years in the service and the gratitude everyone should have for our country.
Right before everyone is ready to slit their wrists if they have to hear one more word of Grandpa's speech, have Grandma look at Grandpa with a fake, surprised look -- acting as though she can’t understand why everyone would ever fall asleep during Grandpa’s talk when she was the first one to succumb. In her Relief Society voice, have her suggest to Grandpa that a blessing be given on the food.
Then, have Grandpa say, (‘cause Grandpa’s so insecure that he has to feel like everything is his idea) “I’ve got a great idea, Dear (Have him emphasize the word, Dear, as if saying, ‘Do this or else.’) Why don’t we sing one verse of the National Anthem before we have the prayer?” Have Grandma agree ‘cause she can’t disagree with Grandpa or the rest of the day is ruined.
Have the family sing, while cousin James in the pony tail walks off to take a cigarette break.
Following a musically dysfunctional rendition of the National Anthem, have everyone dive into the food as if they haven’t eaten in weeks even though every one is packing at least a few extra pounds. Have one of the distant cousins comment to the stranger next to him, “It’s nice we have songs like the National Anthem … to remind us of the importance of carrying a gun.” Have him chuckle and then wink.
Make sure everyone binges, and then have a few people purge.
Following dinner, divide the group into two groups, except for James who has gone for another smoke. Give each group an old, stained bed sheet in which a water balloon is placed in one bed sheet while the other group holding the other bed sheet tries to catch the water balloon. Have everyone laugh at this and feel a deep, eternal family bond. Then, after about a half hour, have one of the cousins suffering from ADHD suggest throwing something else from sheet to sheet. Have someone suggest the little three-year old that just walked by. Have the three-year-old say, “Sure,” at the suggestion and climb onto the sheet. Have the sheet drop and a few family members fall and everyone laugh in delight at the fun that can be had at a LDS family reunion.
Then, have the obnoxious cousin, whom everybody wonders what he did wrong in the pre-existence, suddenly grab a water balloon and start a water balloon fight. Have half the group having the time of their life, and the other half mad, including James who says, “That thing had better not hit me or else.”
Have the balloon hit James. Have James freaks out, then get in the face of the thirteen-year-old who threw it.
Have someone grab James and have uncelestial words start flying.
Have the whole thing eventually settle down and then, finally, at the end of the reunion, have someone say, “Wasn’t this a great family reunion? We need to do this again next year.”
Thursday, June 30, 2005
MAKE OR BREAK BREAKING NEWS: DO'S AND DON'TS FOR WARD BISHOPRIC MEMBERS
Do’s and Don’ts for Ward Bishopric Members:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Do attend all your meetings.
Do not let the Ward catch you in your driveway during Sunday School in shorts hitching your boat up to a truck on your way to Lake Powell.
2 - Do have musical numbers performed during Sacrament Meeting:
Do not have a member play, “How Great Thou Art,” on their garage hand saw.
3 - Do compliment your speakers.
Do not compliment women who cry their whole way through their testimony and then say, “I’m sorry I’m such a big boob,” by saying, “That’s okay, Sister. We like big boobs.”
4 - Do hold tithing settlement.
Do not laugh and say, when you see the total amount of tithing paid, “How’d you get by on that?”
5 - Do give to every member of the Ward.
Do not give so much to every member of the Ward that you get burn out, take off in the middle of the night, go missing for three days and then become found pumping gas in a small town in Southern Utah.
6 - Do relax during Sacrament Meeting.
Do not relax so much that you fall asleep and drool on the shoulder of the person seated next to you.
7 – Do maintain your personal life.
Do not maintain your personal life so much that you wear a blue sweater under your suit coat every time BYU wins a football game.
8 – Do interview the youth bi-annually.
While interviewing the youth, do not ever scream the words, “You did what?”
9 – Do visit the elderly.
After visiting the elderly, do not ever let any of them over hear you saying to another Ward member, "Why would Heaven allow these people to live so long that they have to become a burden to everyone?"
10 – Do be the father of the Ward.
Do not be the father of the Ward so much that you end up grounding people, giving long Robert Reed-type speeches, not listening when spoken to or telling stupid “Dad” jokes.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Do attend all your meetings.
Do not let the Ward catch you in your driveway during Sunday School in shorts hitching your boat up to a truck on your way to Lake Powell.
2 - Do have musical numbers performed during Sacrament Meeting:
Do not have a member play, “How Great Thou Art,” on their garage hand saw.
3 - Do compliment your speakers.
Do not compliment women who cry their whole way through their testimony and then say, “I’m sorry I’m such a big boob,” by saying, “That’s okay, Sister. We like big boobs.”
4 - Do hold tithing settlement.
Do not laugh and say, when you see the total amount of tithing paid, “How’d you get by on that?”
5 - Do give to every member of the Ward.
Do not give so much to every member of the Ward that you get burn out, take off in the middle of the night, go missing for three days and then become found pumping gas in a small town in Southern Utah.
6 - Do relax during Sacrament Meeting.
Do not relax so much that you fall asleep and drool on the shoulder of the person seated next to you.
7 – Do maintain your personal life.
Do not maintain your personal life so much that you wear a blue sweater under your suit coat every time BYU wins a football game.
8 – Do interview the youth bi-annually.
While interviewing the youth, do not ever scream the words, “You did what?”
9 – Do visit the elderly.
After visiting the elderly, do not ever let any of them over hear you saying to another Ward member, "Why would Heaven allow these people to live so long that they have to become a burden to everyone?"
10 – Do be the father of the Ward.
Do not be the father of the Ward so much that you end up grounding people, giving long Robert Reed-type speeches, not listening when spoken to or telling stupid “Dad” jokes.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Ten Things That Make Mormons Feel Very Sad:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Making a prize-winning omelet, then sitting down to eat it and suddenly remembering it’s Fast Sunday.
2 - Going into an interview with the Bishop, thinking you’ll be called as the next Relief Society President and being called as a Ward Missionary instead.
3 - Finding out, during tithing settlement, that that one check you thought you turned in for five hundred dollars never got turned in.
4 - Finding all of the scrapbook pages you worked so hard to complete are now stuck together.
5 - Discovering the wheat you worked so hard to earn and store has now become overrun with weevils.
6 - Not serving a foreign mission.
7 – One hundred percent attendance on behalf of the scouts at Scout Camp with a no-show on behalf of all of the volunteer fathers (Oops, sad mixed up with mad on this one!).
8 – Finding out that it’s Tuesday, after Family Home Evening has already been held.
9 – Showing up for any early morning church meeting, forgetting that it’s the first day of Fall daylight savings.
10 – Missing a movie with all of your friends because you thought it was rated R, only to find out it was rated PG.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Making a prize-winning omelet, then sitting down to eat it and suddenly remembering it’s Fast Sunday.
2 - Going into an interview with the Bishop, thinking you’ll be called as the next Relief Society President and being called as a Ward Missionary instead.
3 - Finding out, during tithing settlement, that that one check you thought you turned in for five hundred dollars never got turned in.
4 - Finding all of the scrapbook pages you worked so hard to complete are now stuck together.
5 - Discovering the wheat you worked so hard to earn and store has now become overrun with weevils.
6 - Not serving a foreign mission.
7 – One hundred percent attendance on behalf of the scouts at Scout Camp with a no-show on behalf of all of the volunteer fathers (Oops, sad mixed up with mad on this one!).
8 – Finding out that it’s Tuesday, after Family Home Evening has already been held.
9 – Showing up for any early morning church meeting, forgetting that it’s the first day of Fall daylight savings.
10 – Missing a movie with all of your friends because you thought it was rated R, only to find out it was rated PG.
Monday, June 27, 2005
HAPPY HAPPY BREAKING NEWS: TEN THINGS THAT MAKE MORMONS REALLY HAPPY
Ten Things That Make Mormons Really Happy:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Getting a “yes” on the first phone call made for a Primary substitute.
Remembering on the 30th day of the month that there are 31 days in this particular month, so there’s one more day left to do home/visiting teaching.
Remembering on Sunday morning, as one is looking for their Sunday School manual, that it is Stake Conference Sunday.
Finding all of your genealogy with the push of one button at the Family History library.
Going in for a church calling and finding out the call is not to be the next Ward Nursery Leader, Scout Leader or Ward Mission Leader.
Thinking it is Fast Sunday, then finding out it isn’t.
Discovering one is right when it comes to certain Church doctrine, especially if the doctrine is controversial or of a delicate nature.
Getting out of any church meeting early.
At the close of a meeting, hearing the announcement that a blessing will now be given on the food.
Finding out the new Bishop is not the person no one gets along with.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Getting a “yes” on the first phone call made for a Primary substitute.
Remembering on the 30th day of the month that there are 31 days in this particular month, so there’s one more day left to do home/visiting teaching.
Remembering on Sunday morning, as one is looking for their Sunday School manual, that it is Stake Conference Sunday.
Finding all of your genealogy with the push of one button at the Family History library.
Going in for a church calling and finding out the call is not to be the next Ward Nursery Leader, Scout Leader or Ward Mission Leader.
Thinking it is Fast Sunday, then finding out it isn’t.
Discovering one is right when it comes to certain Church doctrine, especially if the doctrine is controversial or of a delicate nature.
Getting out of any church meeting early.
At the close of a meeting, hearing the announcement that a blessing will now be given on the food.
Finding out the new Bishop is not the person no one gets along with.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
FERFUN BREAKING NEWS: COMMENTS FROM UTAH MORMONS
Comments From Utah Mormons:
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Beshurin dewyer geneeolugy… ‘cuz if you don’t, someone’s gunna gi-chew!
Why eet peetza with a knife and a fark when you can hold it with yer hands?
My cah had some ki-ens lass ni. They’re sacute and ferry.
I’ll tell ya su-uh…them mou-ains sure are perdy!
Wudderyermean that vaccum don’t work? I just fixed it yestirdee.
The cap’n is sewfun. There aren’t many cap’ns like our cap’n.
I dunno nuthin’ never, not nowhere, now nohow!
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Beshurin dewyer geneeolugy… ‘cuz if you don’t, someone’s gunna gi-chew!
Why eet peetza with a knife and a fark when you can hold it with yer hands?
My cah had some ki-ens lass ni. They’re sacute and ferry.
I’ll tell ya su-uh…them mou-ains sure are perdy!
Wudderyermean that vaccum don’t work? I just fixed it yestirdee.
The cap’n is sewfun. There aren’t many cap’ns like our cap’n.
I dunno nuthin’ never, not nowhere, now nohow!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
GRRR BREAKING NEWS: QUESTIONS LDS PEOPLE GET TIRED OF BEING ASKED
Questions LDS People Get Tired of Being Asked
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Do you have more than one wife? Geez, what would it be like to have more than one wife? Keeping them happy would be harder than surviving a fall off a skyscraper! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I know you can’t drink beer, but can you drink root BEER? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Is it hard to baptize dead people? What’s the hardest part? Getting them to say, “Thank you?” Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I heard you can’t chew gum or dance? How come Donny and Marie can dance and chew gum and you can’t? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
If I pay someone, will they let me go in the temple? How about if I give them my Mastercard or Visa instead? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
In order to be a Mormon, do you HAVE to be a republican? Can you be a democrat or a libertarian or does everyone have to vote for the same person? If Arnold Schwatzenager ran for President, would everyone HAVE to vote for him? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Do you grow all your own food and make all your meals from scratch? I’d rather slit my wrists than do that! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
A long time ago, I heard two guys ate each other high on a mountain top. Who ate who first? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Do you have more than one wife? Geez, what would it be like to have more than one wife? Keeping them happy would be harder than surviving a fall off a skyscraper! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I know you can’t drink beer, but can you drink root BEER? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Is it hard to baptize dead people? What’s the hardest part? Getting them to say, “Thank you?” Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I heard you can’t chew gum or dance? How come Donny and Marie can dance and chew gum and you can’t? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
If I pay someone, will they let me go in the temple? How about if I give them my Mastercard or Visa instead? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
In order to be a Mormon, do you HAVE to be a republican? Can you be a democrat or a libertarian or does everyone have to vote for the same person? If Arnold Schwatzenager ran for President, would everyone HAVE to vote for him? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Do you grow all your own food and make all your meals from scratch? I’d rather slit my wrists than do that! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
A long time ago, I heard two guys ate each other high on a mountain top. Who ate who first? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Thank you, everyone, for your support! Of all of the countless things I love so much, happyjellybeans is right up there at the top!!! I appreciate the over 1500 hits per month to stop by and say hi. I would love to hear from you, especially ideas or feedback relating to this site cause I know you all have something even more important to say. Feel free to email me at bag727@yahoo.com. Until then, uh oh, Father's Day is coming!!!
PATERNAL BREAKING NEWS: LDS FATHER'S DAY CARDS AVAILABLE NOW!!!
DON'T WAIT!!!
GET YOURS NOW!!!
LDS FATHER'S DAY CARDS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Thanks for not doing your home teaching, Dad, ‘cause we love being with you every night of the month!
Sorry about burning down your tent at Scout Camp last Summer, Dad, but I promise, if you’ll come with me next year, I’ll never douse your tent with lighter fluid ever again.
Do you realize, Dad, that Father’s Day could be even better if it wasn’t for Adam’s transgression? But, have a good day any way.
Sorry, Dad, that sometimes I’m so glad when you come home that I wrap my arms around your neck and nearly choke you.
Thanks for having a family here on Earth, Dad, that we want to spend our life with through all eternity, except for those two wayward children, Kristin and Randy.
Dad, thanks for sitting up at that little table in the front of the chapel each Sunday, strolling the aisles to count how many people are in attendance, then going back up to your little table and drifting off to sleep so that we can all watch you instead of listening to some of those long, boring talks.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad. May all of your basketball games next year not end up costing you so much money in attorney’s fees.
You’re the best, Dad. Even though your Primary class drives you crazy and you have to put them in a headlock sometimes, I think they’re finally starting to get the message that reverence begins with each one of us.
Thanks for hanging in there on all of those family nights, Dad, and letting us drag you to family prayer, and for letting us keep your bedroom door open each morning so you can hear us during family scripture-time.
Sorry you didn’t win the Pinewood Derby, Dad, and you really shouldn’t have slugged the winner in the face and gotten hauled off by the cops, but we still love you anyway.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad, and thanks for ringing the buzzer in Sunday School to remind everyone in the Ward of what a loser you are. (Just kidding, Russ.)
HAPPY FATHER’ DAY, DAD!!!
GET YOURS NOW!!!
LDS FATHER'S DAY CARDS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Thanks for not doing your home teaching, Dad, ‘cause we love being with you every night of the month!
Sorry about burning down your tent at Scout Camp last Summer, Dad, but I promise, if you’ll come with me next year, I’ll never douse your tent with lighter fluid ever again.
Do you realize, Dad, that Father’s Day could be even better if it wasn’t for Adam’s transgression? But, have a good day any way.
Sorry, Dad, that sometimes I’m so glad when you come home that I wrap my arms around your neck and nearly choke you.
Thanks for having a family here on Earth, Dad, that we want to spend our life with through all eternity, except for those two wayward children, Kristin and Randy.
Dad, thanks for sitting up at that little table in the front of the chapel each Sunday, strolling the aisles to count how many people are in attendance, then going back up to your little table and drifting off to sleep so that we can all watch you instead of listening to some of those long, boring talks.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad. May all of your basketball games next year not end up costing you so much money in attorney’s fees.
You’re the best, Dad. Even though your Primary class drives you crazy and you have to put them in a headlock sometimes, I think they’re finally starting to get the message that reverence begins with each one of us.
Thanks for hanging in there on all of those family nights, Dad, and letting us drag you to family prayer, and for letting us keep your bedroom door open each morning so you can hear us during family scripture-time.
Sorry you didn’t win the Pinewood Derby, Dad, and you really shouldn’t have slugged the winner in the face and gotten hauled off by the cops, but we still love you anyway.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad, and thanks for ringing the buzzer in Sunday School to remind everyone in the Ward of what a loser you are. (Just kidding, Russ.)
HAPPY FATHER’ DAY, DAD!!!
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
ANCIENT BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE TAKING YOUR GENEALOGICAL RESEARCH TOO SERIOUSLY
Signs You Might Be Taking
Your Genealogical Research
Too Seriously
2-
3 -
4 –
5 -
6 -
7 -
8 –
9 –
10 –
Your Genealogical Research
Too Seriously
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 -
1 -
You can’t wait for all of your living relatives to die
so they can become your next ancestors.
2-
You can’t wait to meet Adam and Eve.
3 -
You’ve already had corrective eye surgery
as a result of staring at those
micro fiche machines for so long.
4 –
You look forward to spending time with your dead relatives
while you dread spending time with your living ones.
5 -
You’ve threatened to harm anyone
who tries to update your pedigree charts.
6 -
You actually know how to spell the word, genealogy.
7 -
People avoid you at family reunions.
8 –
You look at everything in your life from a backwards
instead of a forwards perspective.
9 –
You’ve started making up family histories
for those ancestors you can't find histories for.
10 –
You’d rather attend a genealogy seminar in Elko, Nevada
than a two-week trip at a five-star hotel
on the coast of Maui.
Monday, June 13, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: AVAILABLE NOW: ADVICE ON LIFE FROM LDS WARD LEADERS
AVAILABLE NOW:
ADVICE ON LIFE FROM WARD LEADERS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Advice on life from a High Priest:
Some believe life is for eating, drinking and being merry, but life is really for eating, drinking and sleeping. So sleep, sleep a lot. And when you are finished sleeping, sleep some more.
Advice on life from a Ward Basketball Player:
Always shoot for the best and, when life gets you down, be sure to take a good upper cut at anything that might be getting in the way of scoring every point you can.
Advice on life from a Relief Society President:
You can be perfect. And, if you can’t be perfect, go on medication.
Advice on life from a Primary child:
If someone is pestered long enough, eventually he, she or them will give in.
Advice on life from a Scoutmaster:
While doing your duty, try not to entertain thoughts of harming others, especially little boys under the age of twelve who have been sent to camp to give their families a break.
Advice on life from a Scrapbooker:
Life always looks better glued to a piece of paper.
Advice on life from a Genealogist:
Always search for what is missing most in your life.
Advice on life from a Ward librarian:
Even true friends or perfect saints refuse to remember to return borrowed items.
Advice on life from a Ward Mission Leader:
No matter how hard people try to lose your phone number, don’t give up. You can always give them your phone number again and again and again.
Advice on life from a Nursery Leader:
Amidst the world's madness, Advil works best.
ADVICE ON LIFE FROM WARD LEADERS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Advice on life from a High Priest:
Some believe life is for eating, drinking and being merry, but life is really for eating, drinking and sleeping. So sleep, sleep a lot. And when you are finished sleeping, sleep some more.
Advice on life from a Ward Basketball Player:
Always shoot for the best and, when life gets you down, be sure to take a good upper cut at anything that might be getting in the way of scoring every point you can.
Advice on life from a Relief Society President:
You can be perfect. And, if you can’t be perfect, go on medication.
Advice on life from a Primary child:
If someone is pestered long enough, eventually he, she or them will give in.
Advice on life from a Scoutmaster:
While doing your duty, try not to entertain thoughts of harming others, especially little boys under the age of twelve who have been sent to camp to give their families a break.
Advice on life from a Scrapbooker:
Life always looks better glued to a piece of paper.
Advice on life from a Genealogist:
Always search for what is missing most in your life.
Advice on life from a Ward librarian:
Even true friends or perfect saints refuse to remember to return borrowed items.
Advice on life from a Ward Mission Leader:
No matter how hard people try to lose your phone number, don’t give up. You can always give them your phone number again and again and again.
Advice on life from a Nursery Leader:
Amidst the world's madness, Advil works best.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: CRAZY TIME IN HAPPYJELLYBEANS NEIGHBORHOOD
Wow, it has been a crazy time in happyjellybeans neighborhood. After going to New York for book signings for my latest (co-authored) book, Shattered: Six Steps From Betrayal to Recovery, KUTV, Channel 2 in Salt Lake City called for an interview, other stations have called as well. Now, I must go to California to lay Dad to his final resting place. What a great guy. Until then (my return), I began my latest, which will be completed upon my return. If interested in viewing the KUTV tape, go to kutv.com, click on the Thelma Soares sitting at a table speaking into a microphone with the caption, "Thelma writes forword to book or Thelma endorses book." Thank you, Thelma. Thank you contributors to book. Thank you, everyone, for your collaborative effort, energy and support for this important and very timely subject.
And in between all of this, I like to indulge daily in what I refer to as my "Mormon cigarette." (No, I don't smoke. It's a joke: Mormon... pleasure.) Anyway, here is my latest under construction project. Thanks everyone! Bettyanne
Things I Needed to Know That I Did Not Learn in Primary:
Not to expect to shout and still expect to be rewarded.
That not everyone likes me.
To keep my shoes on during important meetings.
That not everyone has the capabilities to grow a foot or two.
That it’s not possible to win every game.
That popcorn really doesn’t grow on apricot trees.
See you Monday. BB
And in between all of this, I like to indulge daily in what I refer to as my "Mormon cigarette." (No, I don't smoke. It's a joke: Mormon... pleasure.) Anyway, here is my latest under construction project. Thanks everyone! Bettyanne
Things I Needed to Know That I Did Not Learn in Primary:
Not to expect to shout and still expect to be rewarded.
That not everyone likes me.
To keep my shoes on during important meetings.
That not everyone has the capabilities to grow a foot or two.
That it’s not possible to win every game.
That popcorn really doesn’t grow on apricot trees.
See you Monday. BB
Monday, June 06, 2005
FREAKY BREAKING NEWS: SIGN OF THE BEAST IS COMING SOON
Okay, so I'll get back
to my regularly scheduled broadcast soon,
but,
this morning it hit me...
I wrote down the date, 6/6/5...
A year from today?
6/6/6.
Yes, happyjellybeans.blogspot.com found it first.
Breaking News:
6/6/6 is coming.
Now,
lest you wonder
what happyjellybean's opinion is about this
manywillwantittobeahighlyreligious date?
HJB does not think,
nor will it ever think,
this date means anything more than
just another day in history.
However,
for all those
who will become ever so highly OCD focused
on this date,
they will most likely create
the exact catastrophic events
they are looking for.
Like when I was young,
and my mother said,
"There was once a man
who went around saying,
'The end of the world is tomorrow!'
And the next day he died.
And it was the end of the world,
for him.
So, my comment is,
make every day be your very own 6/6/6,
and choose how you're going to live it!
And, stay tuned...
more entries for happyjellybeans ill forthcoming.
(What a wonderful trip to New York. Whew.)
to my regularly scheduled broadcast soon,
but,
this morning it hit me...
I wrote down the date, 6/6/5...
A year from today?
6/6/6.
Yes, happyjellybeans.blogspot.com found it first.
Breaking News:
6/6/6 is coming.
Now,
lest you wonder
what happyjellybean's opinion is about this
manywillwantittobeahighlyreligious date?
HJB does not think,
nor will it ever think,
this date means anything more than
just another day in history.
However,
for all those
who will become ever so highly OCD focused
on this date,
they will most likely create
the exact catastrophic events
they are looking for.
Like when I was young,
and my mother said,
"There was once a man
who went around saying,
'The end of the world is tomorrow!'
And the next day he died.
And it was the end of the world,
for him.
So, my comment is,
make every day be your very own 6/6/6,
and choose how you're going to live it!
And, stay tuned...
more entries for happyjellybeans ill forthcoming.
(What a wonderful trip to New York. Whew.)
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Be Back Soon
Bettyanne, the mastermind behind Happy Jelly Beans, is in New York this week. Please tune in next week for more hilarious shenanigans.
Friday, May 27, 2005
OH MY ACHING BACK BREAKING NEWS: HOW TO PREPARE TO BE YOUR WARD'S NEXT ELDER'S QUORUM PRESIDENT
How to Prepare to Be Your Ward’s
Next Elder’s Quorum President:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Make sure you live in a Ward with streets that are all level.
2. Make sure to become familiar with all of the people you don’t know or with whom you have never met.
3. If you weren’t called to this position because you currently own a truck, make sure to go out and purchase a very sturdy truck, preferably one with a moving van-type, enclosed back with a very dependable ramp.
4. Now, go to U-Haul or Home Depot and purchase a large dolly (preferably with straps) for transferring heavy objects, like refrigerators and pianos.
5. Make sure to update your health insurance to include physical therapy at a reputable physical rehab facility.
6. Be sure to purchase a cell phone, so that you can be reached anywhere, anytime, at a very last minute’s notice.
7. Make sure to purchase a palm-pilot to update and keep track of the two or three Ward members who are willing to help you move all of the people from Item #2 who do not abide by Item #1.
8. Six months after your calling, begin using item #5.
9. If item #5 doesn’t help, get rid of item #6 and 7.
10. Now you are fully prepared to be your Ward’s next Elder’s Quorum President.
Next Elder’s Quorum President:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Make sure you live in a Ward with streets that are all level.
2. Make sure to become familiar with all of the people you don’t know or with whom you have never met.
3. If you weren’t called to this position because you currently own a truck, make sure to go out and purchase a very sturdy truck, preferably one with a moving van-type, enclosed back with a very dependable ramp.
4. Now, go to U-Haul or Home Depot and purchase a large dolly (preferably with straps) for transferring heavy objects, like refrigerators and pianos.
5. Make sure to update your health insurance to include physical therapy at a reputable physical rehab facility.
6. Be sure to purchase a cell phone, so that you can be reached anywhere, anytime, at a very last minute’s notice.
7. Make sure to purchase a palm-pilot to update and keep track of the two or three Ward members who are willing to help you move all of the people from Item #2 who do not abide by Item #1.
8. Six months after your calling, begin using item #5.
9. If item #5 doesn’t help, get rid of item #6 and 7.
10. Now you are fully prepared to be your Ward’s next Elder’s Quorum President.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
YO BABY BREAKING NEWS: SOME BIG NEWS HAS BROKEN OUT IN THE HOOD
YO MORMON MAMA'S SO...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Yo Mormon Mama’s so weird that she’ll only consider sitting in a different seat in the chapel if stripped of her free agency.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so freaky that she believes every meal should include funeral potatoes.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so odd that she hopes someday she’ll own her own school bus so she can carpool all of her kids at the same time.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so uptight that she thinks fetch is a swear word.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so strange that her idea of a federal crime is scheduling a basketball game during Enrichment night.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so bizarre that she believes everything in life should be taped or glued onto the pages of a three ring binder
Yo Mormon Mama’s so out in left field that she thinks the world has come to an end every time she loses another Relief Society sign-up sheet.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so nutty that, to her, every problem in life is solved with a three-hour lecture.
Yo Mormon’s so beyond repair that she believes chewing gum on Fast Sunday is an absolute sin.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Yo Mormon Mama’s so weird that she’ll only consider sitting in a different seat in the chapel if stripped of her free agency.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so freaky that she believes every meal should include funeral potatoes.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so odd that she hopes someday she’ll own her own school bus so she can carpool all of her kids at the same time.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so uptight that she thinks fetch is a swear word.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so strange that her idea of a federal crime is scheduling a basketball game during Enrichment night.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so bizarre that she believes everything in life should be taped or glued onto the pages of a three ring binder
Yo Mormon Mama’s so out in left field that she thinks the world has come to an end every time she loses another Relief Society sign-up sheet.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so nutty that, to her, every problem in life is solved with a three-hour lecture.
Yo Mormon’s so beyond repair that she believes chewing gum on Fast Sunday is an absolute sin.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
COMBINATION BREAKING NEWS: FINALLY, SCIENTIST HAVE DISCOVERED WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A MORMON IS COMBINED WITH A ...
SCIENTISTS FINALLY UNCOVER THE TRUTH:
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU COMBINE A...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. What do you get if you combine Christmas with a LDS person's food storage?
Lots of gifts that will definintely be stored for years with no plans to ever use them.
2. What do you get if 100 prisoners are ordered to sing in a Ward choir?
A choir director who’s finally happy someone’s willing to sing in the choir.
3. What do you get if you combine a Ward clerk with a Catholic perish?
A quiet guy who walks up and down the aisles every Sunday, counting and making notes on a tiny piece of paper while confusing all of the parishioners.
4. What do you get if you combine the behaviors of a dead ancestor with a high priest?
A high priest who will never wake up, even long after the meeting has ended.
5. What do you get if you combine a home teacher with a kid in the nursery?
Finally, a kid who only gets sick once a month.
6. What do you get if you combine a Primary teacher with a Police Officer?
A Police Officer who gives out treats along with each ticket he writes.
7. What do you get if you combine a basketball player with “Signs of the Times Expert”?
A “Signs of the Times Expert” who is not only obsessed with being right about all of the signs of the times, but is ready to beat up anyone who is wrong about the signs of the times.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU COMBINE A...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. What do you get if you combine Christmas with a LDS person's food storage?
Lots of gifts that will definintely be stored for years with no plans to ever use them.
2. What do you get if 100 prisoners are ordered to sing in a Ward choir?
A choir director who’s finally happy someone’s willing to sing in the choir.
3. What do you get if you combine a Ward clerk with a Catholic perish?
A quiet guy who walks up and down the aisles every Sunday, counting and making notes on a tiny piece of paper while confusing all of the parishioners.
4. What do you get if you combine the behaviors of a dead ancestor with a high priest?
A high priest who will never wake up, even long after the meeting has ended.
5. What do you get if you combine a home teacher with a kid in the nursery?
Finally, a kid who only gets sick once a month.
6. What do you get if you combine a Primary teacher with a Police Officer?
A Police Officer who gives out treats along with each ticket he writes.
7. What do you get if you combine a basketball player with “Signs of the Times Expert”?
A “Signs of the Times Expert” who is not only obsessed with being right about all of the signs of the times, but is ready to beat up anyone who is wrong about the signs of the times.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
LINKING BREAKING NEWS: THE VERY FIRST MORMON CHAIN LETTER!!!
THE VERY FIRST MORMON CHAIN LETTER
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Dear Brother and/or Sister of any and/or every Ward in the Church,
First of all: THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! Even though this looks like a chain letter, sounds like a chain letter and reads like a chain letter, THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! This is an official worldwide-linking-of-brothers-and-sisters-through-this-highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system.
Please, take one cup of wheat and mail it to the first person to appear on the list below, then add your name to the bottom of the list. Then, send this letter to ten people, and within two weeks your entire family will receive more than enough wheat to last a lifetime!
If you do not want more wheat, simply change the focus of the letter to whatever your current need is, send that item out to the first person on the list, then send this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system to ten people and you will receive more than enough of whatever it is you need to last a lifetime -- Coke, Pepsi, chocolate, scrapbooking materials, children, Primary substitutes, camp directors, nursery leaders, etc.
Warning: Please do not break this chain, or, um, this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. We heard someone did that once and the families participating within that particular correspondence system cluster nearly died as a result of being caught in the middle of a catastrophic disaster, including earthquakes in diverse places, unexpected and expected job loss, the birth of more children than expected, spending too much money on Christmas, one second coming false alarm, etc. All of the families within this particular highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system cluster nearly died! So, please, take this correspondence system directive seriously.
DO NOT BE THE ONE TO BREAK THIS CHAIN, or, um, Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. But, feel free to be the one who will be the biggest hero in this life and possibly the biggest hero in the next life as wellt life!
You must send this within the next five minutes or the chain, or, um, the Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system will be broken and you will be the one eternally responsible for any and all consequences that happen to you, any of your loved ones or any of the other six billion people roaming the Earth. So do it, and do it now!
With great faith and hope.
We know you can do it!
Do it now!
Five people!!!
Five minutes!!!
Don’t disappoint us!!!
Or else…..
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Dear Brother and/or Sister of any and/or every Ward in the Church,
First of all: THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! Even though this looks like a chain letter, sounds like a chain letter and reads like a chain letter, THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! This is an official worldwide-linking-of-brothers-and-sisters-through-this-highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system.
Please, take one cup of wheat and mail it to the first person to appear on the list below, then add your name to the bottom of the list. Then, send this letter to ten people, and within two weeks your entire family will receive more than enough wheat to last a lifetime!
If you do not want more wheat, simply change the focus of the letter to whatever your current need is, send that item out to the first person on the list, then send this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system to ten people and you will receive more than enough of whatever it is you need to last a lifetime -- Coke, Pepsi, chocolate, scrapbooking materials, children, Primary substitutes, camp directors, nursery leaders, etc.
Warning: Please do not break this chain, or, um, this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. We heard someone did that once and the families participating within that particular correspondence system cluster nearly died as a result of being caught in the middle of a catastrophic disaster, including earthquakes in diverse places, unexpected and expected job loss, the birth of more children than expected, spending too much money on Christmas, one second coming false alarm, etc. All of the families within this particular highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system cluster nearly died! So, please, take this correspondence system directive seriously.
DO NOT BE THE ONE TO BREAK THIS CHAIN, or, um, Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. But, feel free to be the one who will be the biggest hero in this life and possibly the biggest hero in the next life as wellt life!
You must send this within the next five minutes or the chain, or, um, the Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system will be broken and you will be the one eternally responsible for any and all consequences that happen to you, any of your loved ones or any of the other six billion people roaming the Earth. So do it, and do it now!
With great faith and hope.
We know you can do it!
Do it now!
Five people!!!
Five minutes!!!
Don’t disappoint us!!!
Or else…..
Monday, May 23, 2005
SIZZLING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY MORMONS DRINK COKE (OR PEPSI)
Top Ten Reasons Why Mormons Drink Coke (or Pepsi):
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"It keeps me awake during Church."
"It keeps me awake while I attend the temple."
"It keeps me awake while I do my visiting/home teaching."
"It keeps me awake while I do my genealogy."
"It keeps me awake during Family Home Evening."
"It keeps me awake during Family Prayer."
"It keeps me awake during family scripture study.
"It keeps me awake during the paying of my full tithing at tithing settlement."
"It kept me awake while I wrote my entire personal history."
"It kept me awake while I scrapbooked every person in my family tree, all the way back to Adam."
"The exact word “caffeine” is not mentioned specifically by the word itself in the Word of Wisdom or any other scripture. "
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"It keeps me awake during Church."
"It keeps me awake while I attend the temple."
"It keeps me awake while I do my visiting/home teaching."
"It keeps me awake while I do my genealogy."
"It keeps me awake during Family Home Evening."
"It keeps me awake during Family Prayer."
"It keeps me awake during family scripture study.
"It keeps me awake during the paying of my full tithing at tithing settlement."
"It kept me awake while I wrote my entire personal history."
"It kept me awake while I scrapbooked every person in my family tree, all the way back to Adam."
"The exact word “caffeine” is not mentioned specifically by the word itself in the Word of Wisdom or any other scripture. "
Friday, May 20, 2005
How to Create, Print and Send Out
an Official LDS Wedding Announcement
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Begin collecting the names and addresses of everyone you, your fiancé, both sets of parents, grandparents and everyone else involved in the wedding have ever met before, including: relatives, friends, acquaintances, past boyfriends or girlfriends, former schoolmates, former roommates, mailmen, milkmen, enemies who might not want to be enemies any more, and anyone else you have met or may meet somewhere between now and the time of the wedding -- to make up the break the record for the largest group of people to ever meet in a LDS setting before.
Second: Begin creating the LDS Wedding announcement. The announcement must include the following:
* One picture of the happy couple (preferably with bleached teeth and an over-sized engagement ring) tucked in a natural setting.
* One set of directions that will mislead attendees for hours before finding the proper location of the wedding reception.
* A collection of foil snowflakes, leaves, hearts (or anything else that might symbolize the love or the season) that fall out and get stuck in the carpet and have to be commercially vacuumed by the attendees for up to five months later. (The tinier the better)
* Ten “Registered at” cards in case the attendees accidentally come to your wedding and forget to buy you a gift.
Third: The LDS wedding announcement usually expresses something so personal that the happy couple becomes extremely touched just knowing that special something they’ve expressed will be the most important thing ever read by an attendee before -- even though the happy couple’s statement will be sent to hundreds of attendees they’ve never met before.
Statements such as:
There is something we wanted only you to know, or
In life, there are few real friends like you, or
Since you have been so close to us through every year of our life, we…
Fourth: Remember, LDS wedding announcements do have some restrictions, for instance:
On a temple wedding invitation, it would not be in good taste to have an old-time, Country Western picture taken with one of you holding a gun while the other one holds a whiskey bottle.
Fifth: LDS wedding announcements are usually filled with kind words, such as, “Tom and Martha are pleased to announce…” and not, “After waiting two years for Bill, Laura is pleased to announce that she has decided instead to marry Jim Smith, the son of...”Sixth: The bride usually writes the LDS invitation. This prevents the groom from including such things as, “I was told right before I was released from my mission to get married. So, to follow my Mission President’s advice, I am pleased to say that I have chosen Ann Wall to be the person I have selected to go to the Celestial Kingdom with me.”
Seventh: The following words should never be printed on a LDS Wedding invitation:
“Til death do us part.
Eighth: You will know you are ready to send out your LDS Wedding invitation when you can answer “yes” to the following questions:a. Has your fiancé asked you to marry him yet?
b. Do you know your fiancé’s given name and surname name?c. Have you met your fiancé’s parents?d. Do they like you? (If not, invitations can still be sent out)
e. Does your fiancé have a job yet or will your fiancé have a job by the time you get married?f. Have you made the necessary arrangements to live at your parent’s house yet?g. Have your parents said yes yet? (If not, invitations can still be sent out.) h. Are you familiar with all of the collection agencies you will be dealing with once the bills for the enormous reception start coming in?
i. Is your fiancé at least half way finished with his mission yet?
If you can answer yes to the above questions, you are ready to create, print and send out your very own LDS Wedding invitation.
an Official LDS Wedding Announcement
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Begin collecting the names and addresses of everyone you, your fiancé, both sets of parents, grandparents and everyone else involved in the wedding have ever met before, including: relatives, friends, acquaintances, past boyfriends or girlfriends, former schoolmates, former roommates, mailmen, milkmen, enemies who might not want to be enemies any more, and anyone else you have met or may meet somewhere between now and the time of the wedding -- to make up the break the record for the largest group of people to ever meet in a LDS setting before.
Second: Begin creating the LDS Wedding announcement. The announcement must include the following:
* One picture of the happy couple (preferably with bleached teeth and an over-sized engagement ring) tucked in a natural setting.
* One set of directions that will mislead attendees for hours before finding the proper location of the wedding reception.
* A collection of foil snowflakes, leaves, hearts (or anything else that might symbolize the love or the season) that fall out and get stuck in the carpet and have to be commercially vacuumed by the attendees for up to five months later. (The tinier the better)
* Ten “Registered at” cards in case the attendees accidentally come to your wedding and forget to buy you a gift.
Third: The LDS wedding announcement usually expresses something so personal that the happy couple becomes extremely touched just knowing that special something they’ve expressed will be the most important thing ever read by an attendee before -- even though the happy couple’s statement will be sent to hundreds of attendees they’ve never met before.
Statements such as:
There is something we wanted only you to know, or
In life, there are few real friends like you, or
Since you have been so close to us through every year of our life, we…
Fourth: Remember, LDS wedding announcements do have some restrictions, for instance:
On a temple wedding invitation, it would not be in good taste to have an old-time, Country Western picture taken with one of you holding a gun while the other one holds a whiskey bottle.
Fifth: LDS wedding announcements are usually filled with kind words, such as, “Tom and Martha are pleased to announce…” and not, “After waiting two years for Bill, Laura is pleased to announce that she has decided instead to marry Jim Smith, the son of...”Sixth: The bride usually writes the LDS invitation. This prevents the groom from including such things as, “I was told right before I was released from my mission to get married. So, to follow my Mission President’s advice, I am pleased to say that I have chosen Ann Wall to be the person I have selected to go to the Celestial Kingdom with me.”
Seventh: The following words should never be printed on a LDS Wedding invitation:
“Til death do us part.
Eighth: You will know you are ready to send out your LDS Wedding invitation when you can answer “yes” to the following questions:a. Has your fiancé asked you to marry him yet?
b. Do you know your fiancé’s given name and surname name?c. Have you met your fiancé’s parents?d. Do they like you? (If not, invitations can still be sent out)
e. Does your fiancé have a job yet or will your fiancé have a job by the time you get married?f. Have you made the necessary arrangements to live at your parent’s house yet?g. Have your parents said yes yet? (If not, invitations can still be sent out.) h. Are you familiar with all of the collection agencies you will be dealing with once the bills for the enormous reception start coming in?
i. Is your fiancé at least half way finished with his mission yet?
If you can answer yes to the above questions, you are ready to create, print and send out your very own LDS Wedding invitation.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
YEE-HAW BREAKING NEWS: PRIMARY COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES
PRIMARY COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Life Without You is Like a Tree Without Popcorn
I Understand Adam Was a Propeht,
I Understand Adam Was a Propeht,
But How Come I Have to Pick These Weeds?
If Families Are Gonna Be Together Forever,
Then Why Did I Pick You?
The Little Stream May Have Given
The Little Stream May Have Given
But It Was Also In a Hurry
When it Comes to My Face,
When it Comes to My Face,
Meeting This Frown is Not by Chance
My Life is a Gift,
My Life is a Gift,
But My Life Has No Plan
Pioneer Children May Have Walked,
Pioneer Children May Have Walked,
But If I Don’t Get My Car Fixed Soon
I’m Gonna Go Crazy!
Saturday Used To Be a Special Day
Saturday Used To Be a Special Day
Until You Started Nagging Me
The Wise Man May Have Built His House Upon a Rock,
The Wise Man May Have Built His House Upon a Rock,
But the Poor Man's Gonna Have to Settle
For This Apartment on Main Street
Monday, May 16, 2005
CREEPY CRAWLY BREAKING NEWS: MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!
WARNING, WARNING, DANGER, DANGER:
MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The Basketball Players Virus: During rough times playing church ball, this virus has been know to cause players to sometimes “Byte” one another.
The Mormon Mother’s Virus: Known for causing this particular set of women to “Shut down and Reboot,” try avoiding this virus at all costs!
The Fasting Virus: This virus causes food to be “Deleted” from your life for a period of twenty-four hours.
The Primary President Virus: This virus causes the person in this calling to be unable to “Function” for at least fours days out of every month.
The High Priest Virus: Able to remain in a state similar to being put on “Pause,” this virus is temporary and usually ends at the end of Sacrament Meeting.
The Nursery Virus: This virus causes the leader to experience panic with each step she takes closer to nursery door, then, as she grabs the door handle, she repeats to herself until she can hardly move, “Enter” at your own risk.
The Every Mormon’s Virus: This is the worst virus of all because those inflicted with it suddenly develop the urge to drink “Tab” insead of Coke or Pepsi.
The Welfare Virus: Known for being a positive virus, this virus causes the “Storage Capacity” of your two year’s supply to constantly increase.
The Scrapbookers I Virus: This virus is very dangerous because it causes a person to “Save” everything.
The Scrapbookers II Virus: This virus usually follows Scrapbookers I virus, as it creeps through a person’s life and causes that person to “Copy and Paste” everything they see.
The Genealogist’s Virus: This virus is only irritating to family members of the person affected as this otherwise normal person continually exposes his or her ancestors to the “Find and Replace” process.
The Single Adult Virus: Causes every male in a LDS Single's Ward to keep one thought in mind while eyeing over the women in the Chapel: To “Select All.”
MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The Basketball Players Virus: During rough times playing church ball, this virus has been know to cause players to sometimes “Byte” one another.
The Mormon Mother’s Virus: Known for causing this particular set of women to “Shut down and Reboot,” try avoiding this virus at all costs!
The Fasting Virus: This virus causes food to be “Deleted” from your life for a period of twenty-four hours.
The Primary President Virus: This virus causes the person in this calling to be unable to “Function” for at least fours days out of every month.
The High Priest Virus: Able to remain in a state similar to being put on “Pause,” this virus is temporary and usually ends at the end of Sacrament Meeting.
The Nursery Virus: This virus causes the leader to experience panic with each step she takes closer to nursery door, then, as she grabs the door handle, she repeats to herself until she can hardly move, “Enter” at your own risk.
The Every Mormon’s Virus: This is the worst virus of all because those inflicted with it suddenly develop the urge to drink “Tab” insead of Coke or Pepsi.
The Welfare Virus: Known for being a positive virus, this virus causes the “Storage Capacity” of your two year’s supply to constantly increase.
The Scrapbookers I Virus: This virus is very dangerous because it causes a person to “Save” everything.
The Scrapbookers II Virus: This virus usually follows Scrapbookers I virus, as it creeps through a person’s life and causes that person to “Copy and Paste” everything they see.
The Genealogist’s Virus: This virus is only irritating to family members of the person affected as this otherwise normal person continually exposes his or her ancestors to the “Find and Replace” process.
The Single Adult Virus: Causes every male in a LDS Single's Ward to keep one thought in mind while eyeing over the women in the Chapel: To “Select All.”
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