THE LDS FARMER IN THE DELL
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward,
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward,
Hi-ho, the marrry-o,
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward.
The Returned Missionary takes a wife,
The Returned Missionary takes a wife,
Hi-ho, the marry-o,
The Returned Missionary takes a wife.
The wife has a child,
The wife has a child,
Hi-ho, the marry-o,
The wife has a child.
The wife has another child,
The wife has another child,
Hi-ho, the they love this marry-o,
The wife has another child.
The wife has more children,
The wife has more children,
Hi-ho, the holy freakin’ marry-o,
The wife has more children.
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten,
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten,
Hi-ho, the what-have-we-done? marry-o,
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten.
The wife goes to the doctor,
The wife goes to the doctor,
Hi-ho, Doctor-can-you-help-me-please? marry-o,
The wife goes to the doctor.
The Doctor gives her Prozac,
The Doctor gives her Prozac,
Hi-ho, the thank-goodness-for-modern-day-medicine marry-o
The Doctor gives her Prozac.
The Prozac calms her down,
The Prozac calms her down,
Hi-ho, this blessed marry-o,
The Prozac calms her down.
The kids grow to be teenagers,
The kids grow to be teenagers,
Hi-ho, this darn-tootin’-flabbergastin’-what-the-“h”-have-these- kids-done-now? marry-o,
The kids grow to be teenagers.
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars,
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars,
Hi-ho, the Can-life-get-any-worse-than-this?marry-o,
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars.
The parents are at wits end,
The parents are at wits end,
Hi-ho, the Ever-livin’-what-were-we-thinkin’? marry-o
The parents are at wits end.
The kids graduate, but never leave home,
The kids graduate, but never leave home,
Hi-ho, the This-can’t-get-any-worse marry-o,
The kids graduate, but never leave home.
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home,
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home,
Hi-ho, the What-did-I-do-wrong-in-the-pre-existence? marry-o
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home.
The kids put the parents in a home,
The kids put the parents in a home,
Hi-ho, the Life-just-isn’t-fair scenario,
The kids put the parents in a home.
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face),
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face),
Hi-ho, the I-told-you-life-wouldn’t-be-easy-but-it-would-be-worth-it scenario,
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face).
The Returned Missionary stands alone,
The Returned Missionary stands alone,
Hi-ho, the Being Married Forever marry-o,
The Returned Missionary stands alone.
But, then, there’s a sister down the hall who’s only 87-years old,
eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker,
But, then, there’s a sister down the hall who’s only 87-years old,
eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker,
Hi-ho, this ever lovin’ LDS marry-o,
There's a sister down the hall, who's only 87-years old, eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD'S RECORDS BREAKING NEWS: LDS WORLD RECORDS LDS MEMBER NEVER WANT TO BREAK
LDS WORLD RECORDS
LDS MEMBERS
SHOULD NEVER DESIRE TO BREAK:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
World’s worst LDS testimony bearer.
Looks most like Satan.
World’s most boring LDS Sunday School lesson.
Most calories consumed the night before a LDS Fast and Testimony meeting.
Farthest stray from a LDS High Priest Group lesson.
Least amount of LDS tithing paid.
Most times kicked out of a LDS Ward choir.
Most Cheerios spilled on the LDS chapel carpet.
Worst injury from a LDS Primary folding chair.
LDS Scoutmaster with the worst temper at Scout Camp.
LDS Scoutmaster most likely to lose a scout at Scout Camp.
LDS Church's biggest funeral potato casserole.
LDS church member who holds the record for the most amount of time spent searching for a lost ancestor.
LDS church sister who believes most that she was told in the pre-existence that she was supposed to marry Steve Young.
Most likely to fall away from the LDS church.
LDS church's ugliest sleeper in Sacrament Meeting.
LDS church members worst comb-over.
LDS church member least likely to know the meaning of any scripture.
LDS church's biggest signs of the times expert.
.
LDS MEMBERS
SHOULD NEVER DESIRE TO BREAK:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
World’s worst LDS testimony bearer.
Looks most like Satan.
World’s most boring LDS Sunday School lesson.
Most calories consumed the night before a LDS Fast and Testimony meeting.
Farthest stray from a LDS High Priest Group lesson.
Least amount of LDS tithing paid.
Most times kicked out of a LDS Ward choir.
Most Cheerios spilled on the LDS chapel carpet.
Worst injury from a LDS Primary folding chair.
LDS Scoutmaster with the worst temper at Scout Camp.
LDS Scoutmaster most likely to lose a scout at Scout Camp.
LDS Church's biggest funeral potato casserole.
LDS church member who holds the record for the most amount of time spent searching for a lost ancestor.
LDS church sister who believes most that she was told in the pre-existence that she was supposed to marry Steve Young.
Most likely to fall away from the LDS church.
LDS church's ugliest sleeper in Sacrament Meeting.
LDS church members worst comb-over.
LDS church member least likely to know the meaning of any scripture.
LDS church's biggest signs of the times expert.
.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
GET READY FOR SUNDAY BREAKING NEWS: GENERAL CONFERENCE GREETING CARDS
GENERAL CONFERENCE GREETING CARDS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Wish you were here
watching conference with us,
but we understand
that sometimes
things get in the way.
Ever since you had
that nervous break down
after discovering you had glued
all the pages of your scrapbooks together,
life just hasn’t been the same.
Get well soon, Mom.
We love you!
Thinking of you on this day ...
draped over the arm of your chair
like a rag doll napping,
reading the paper with it held so close to you
and high enough that we didn't even know you were there,
wrestling all of us ‘til we cried,
then picking on, Bobby, the family dog.
Ah, the happy moments we shared.
Thanks for everything
and Happy General Conference Day, Dad.
Every other day of the year, you get out of bed early.
But, today, stay in your pajamas,
don’t get out of bed,
don’t brush your teeth
or take a shower,
eat your scrambled eggs and toast in bed
with crumbs dropping all over your sheets
‘CAUSE IT'S GENERAL CONFERENCE SUNDAY!!!
Thank goodness we're LDS!
Thank you for teaching me how to surf the TV channels,
then land on the Conference channel
just in time for the testimony.
You’re the greatest, Dad!
Shut the shades.
Put on a mask.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Take the phone off the hook.
Ignore the banging that WILL come to your front door.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Wear ear plugs.
In fact, hide in the closet.
You deserve to have one day to yourself, Bishop.
And have a great Happy General Conference Sunday.
Here’s hoping that while flipping back and forth
between all of the NFL games
and General Conference
that you will not miss out
on the announcement
that the millennium has begun!
Happy General Conference Sunday!!!
I remember all the Sundays we’d watch conference:
The junk food,
the fights,
the messy house,
the series of lengthy naps.
Thanks for creating such good memories
and traditions that will last a lifetime, Mom.
Grandma,
remember how you used to bake
those molasses cookies
and make us sit up straight for two hours?
Now that my back has recovered
and my digestive system has returned to normal,
I can honestly say,
thanks for the memories.
Happy General Conference Sunday, Grandma.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Wish you were here
watching conference with us,
but we understand
that sometimes
things get in the way.
Ever since you had
that nervous break down
after discovering you had glued
all the pages of your scrapbooks together,
life just hasn’t been the same.
Get well soon, Mom.
We love you!
Thinking of you on this day ...
draped over the arm of your chair
like a rag doll napping,
reading the paper with it held so close to you
and high enough that we didn't even know you were there,
wrestling all of us ‘til we cried,
then picking on, Bobby, the family dog.
Ah, the happy moments we shared.
Thanks for everything
and Happy General Conference Day, Dad.
Every other day of the year, you get out of bed early.
But, today, stay in your pajamas,
don’t get out of bed,
don’t brush your teeth
or take a shower,
eat your scrambled eggs and toast in bed
with crumbs dropping all over your sheets
‘CAUSE IT'S GENERAL CONFERENCE SUNDAY!!!
Thank goodness we're LDS!
Thank you for teaching me how to surf the TV channels,
then land on the Conference channel
just in time for the testimony.
You’re the greatest, Dad!
Shut the shades.
Put on a mask.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Take the phone off the hook.
Ignore the banging that WILL come to your front door.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Wear ear plugs.
In fact, hide in the closet.
You deserve to have one day to yourself, Bishop.
And have a great Happy General Conference Sunday.
Here’s hoping that while flipping back and forth
between all of the NFL games
and General Conference
that you will not miss out
on the announcement
that the millennium has begun!
Happy General Conference Sunday!!!
I remember all the Sundays we’d watch conference:
The junk food,
the fights,
the messy house,
the series of lengthy naps.
Thanks for creating such good memories
and traditions that will last a lifetime, Mom.
Grandma,
remember how you used to bake
those molasses cookies
and make us sit up straight for two hours?
Now that my back has recovered
and my digestive system has returned to normal,
I can honestly say,
thanks for the memories.
Happy General Conference Sunday, Grandma.
Monday, September 26, 2005
PORPOURRI BREAKING NEWS: LDS NEWS YOU CAN USE
LDS NEWS YOU CAN USE:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Congratulations to "T". Your answers to Primary Remix Titles are correct:
1. The Golden Plates
2. I Hope They Call Me on a Mission
3. Popcorn Popping (On the Apricot Tree)
4. Pioneer Children Sang as They Walked
5. I Am a Child of God
6. Hello, Friends (?)Great site!
Well, we've give you a Primary win on 6 -- the answer really is:
Hello, Hello!
More happyjellybeans :
Someone from Sandy, when she was younger, she believed the 13th Article of Faith read:
We believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant!
(Needless to say, she was a little afraid of this one.)
Other misunderstood Articles of Faith include:
#4: We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on our vans for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
#11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dig dates of our
old con chins, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
#6: We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, Eve's jealous, and so forth.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Congratulations to "T". Your answers to Primary Remix Titles are correct:
1. The Golden Plates
2. I Hope They Call Me on a Mission
3. Popcorn Popping (On the Apricot Tree)
4. Pioneer Children Sang as They Walked
5. I Am a Child of God
6. Hello, Friends (?)Great site!
Well, we've give you a Primary win on 6 -- the answer really is:
Hello, Hello!
More happyjellybeans :
Someone from Sandy, when she was younger, she believed the 13th Article of Faith read:
We believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant!
(Needless to say, she was a little afraid of this one.)
Other misunderstood Articles of Faith include:
#4: We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on our vans for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
#11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dig dates of our
old con chins, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
#6: We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, Eve's jealous, and so forth.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
DYING BREAKING NEWS: EPITAPHS FOR LDS PEOPLE
EPTIAPHS FOR LDS PEOPLE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
LDS Genealogist: Finally able to locate
that one relative
whose records were burned
in the 1890 fire.
LDS Home Teacher: Tell all my families
I won’t be visiting them
this month either.
LDS High Priest: Every Sunday in High Priest’s Quorum,
I practiced for this moment.
LDS Ward Clerk: Gone to Heaven to count souls.
LDS Primary Teacher: I just hope they serve good treats there.
LDS Nursery Leaders: Even if I go to hell, it can’t be any worse
than where I’ve just been.
LDS Relief Society President: Goin’ to eat that great casserole in the sky.
LDS Basketball Player: Hopefully they have good refs there.
LDS Sunday School: Thank goodness I'll never
have to find another substitute again.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
LDS Genealogist: Finally able to locate
that one relative
whose records were burned
in the 1890 fire.
LDS Home Teacher: Tell all my families
I won’t be visiting them
this month either.
LDS High Priest: Every Sunday in High Priest’s Quorum,
I practiced for this moment.
LDS Ward Clerk: Gone to Heaven to count souls.
LDS Primary Teacher: I just hope they serve good treats there.
LDS Nursery Leaders: Even if I go to hell, it can’t be any worse
than where I’ve just been.
LDS Relief Society President: Goin’ to eat that great casserole in the sky.
LDS Basketball Player: Hopefully they have good refs there.
LDS Sunday School: Thank goodness I'll never
have to find another substitute again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: APPLICATION TO BE A SCOUTMASTER
Application to be a Scoutmaster:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:___/___/___ Height:_____
Weight:_____I.Q.:______ G.P.A.:______
Soc. Sec.#______-___-____
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Current felony convictions: Yes___No____
Time spent in prison?_____ Explain:_______
Home Address or P.O. Box:_______________ City/State/Zip_______________________
Cell phone number:________________
Best time to call, when cell phone is not subject to disconnection:___________
Do you own any of the following:
a. Gun?____
b. Rifle?____
c. Machine gun?_____
d. Hand grenades?____
e. Nuclear weapons?_____
f. Beebee gun?_____
g. Bow/arrows?_____
h. Stun gun?_____
i. Mace?______
j. Numchucks?_____
k. Matches?_____
l. Gasoline?_____
m. Fertilizer?______
n. Large rocks?_____
Do you have any of the following:
a. Tatoos_____
b. Fatigues______
c. Caps that sit too high on head______
Favorite swear word?_____________
How often used?______________
Under what conditions?______________
(Please know that answering YES to any
of the above questions, will not disqualify
you from being a Scoutmaster.
This form is a necessary requirement
so the scouts and parents can get to know
you better.)
In 30 words or less,
what does the word "LOST" mean to you? _______________________________
In 30 words or less,
what do the words "KEEP AN EYE ON ALL
SCOUTS AT ALL TIMES” mean to you? ______________________________
Please feel free to all of the following questions freely.
All answers are confidential.
a. If a Scout is lost or injured while under your care,
and you were beaten as a result,
the last bone you would like broken is: __________________________________
b. The one thing you hope this application
does not ask you is:
_________________________________
PLEASE NOTE: Should any of the questions be
answered dishonestly, please continue
to fill out application. We realize everyone
has their problems and the Scouting
program has its needs.
Please agree to the following statement:
I swear that all information provided above is true
and correct to the best of my knowledge
under penalty of death, dismemberment,
electrocution, and/or being dragged
over a flaming fire pit.
_____________________________
Sign here (This means sign you.)
Thank you for your interest in the Scouting program.
As each and every application is automatically approved,
please go home and start packing. The Scouts await
your leadership and we appreciate your willingness
to take sixteen unruly boys out into the middle of nowhere,
live under dire circumstances and somehow
keep your sanity and/or willingness to seek counseling
or serve time. If there is anything we can do to help you,
please don’t bother calling us as we have had disconnected
our phones and only desire to wish you the best of luck
in your Scouting ventures.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:___/___/___ Height:_____
Weight:_____I.Q.:______ G.P.A.:______
Soc. Sec.#______-___-____
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Current felony convictions: Yes___No____
Time spent in prison?_____ Explain:_______
Home Address or P.O. Box:_______________ City/State/Zip_______________________
Cell phone number:________________
Best time to call, when cell phone is not subject to disconnection:___________
Do you own any of the following:
a. Gun?____
b. Rifle?____
c. Machine gun?_____
d. Hand grenades?____
e. Nuclear weapons?_____
f. Beebee gun?_____
g. Bow/arrows?_____
h. Stun gun?_____
i. Mace?______
j. Numchucks?_____
k. Matches?_____
l. Gasoline?_____
m. Fertilizer?______
n. Large rocks?_____
Do you have any of the following:
a. Tatoos_____
b. Fatigues______
c. Caps that sit too high on head______
Favorite swear word?_____________
How often used?______________
Under what conditions?______________
(Please know that answering YES to any
of the above questions, will not disqualify
you from being a Scoutmaster.
This form is a necessary requirement
so the scouts and parents can get to know
you better.)
In 30 words or less,
what does the word "LOST" mean to you? _______________________________
In 30 words or less,
what do the words "KEEP AN EYE ON ALL
SCOUTS AT ALL TIMES” mean to you? ______________________________
Please feel free to all of the following questions freely.
All answers are confidential.
a. If a Scout is lost or injured while under your care,
and you were beaten as a result,
the last bone you would like broken is: __________________________________
b. The one thing you hope this application
does not ask you is:
_________________________________
PLEASE NOTE: Should any of the questions be
answered dishonestly, please continue
to fill out application. We realize everyone
has their problems and the Scouting
program has its needs.
Please agree to the following statement:
I swear that all information provided above is true
and correct to the best of my knowledge
under penalty of death, dismemberment,
electrocution, and/or being dragged
over a flaming fire pit.
_____________________________
Sign here (This means sign you.)
Thank you for your interest in the Scouting program.
As each and every application is automatically approved,
please go home and start packing. The Scouts await
your leadership and we appreciate your willingness
to take sixteen unruly boys out into the middle of nowhere,
live under dire circumstances and somehow
keep your sanity and/or willingness to seek counseling
or serve time. If there is anything we can do to help you,
please don’t bother calling us as we have had disconnected
our phones and only desire to wish you the best of luck
in your Scouting ventures.
Friday, September 16, 2005
JUST IN TIME FOR SUNDAY BREAKING NEWS: HURRY: LAST MINUTE IDEAS FOR TEACHING SUNDAY SCHOOL
HURRY: LAST MINUTE IDEAS FOR TEACHING SUNDAY SCHOOL:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Read the lesson manual carefully, prayerfully consider the contents and teach the class accordingly.
Second: Re-teach a lesson you gave thirty years ago when the Brady Bunch were in.
Third: Read an article from the Ensign and try to “humbly” summarize its message.
Fourth: Invite a visitor to come in and speak, impromptu, about a certain Gospel subject -- usually a good friend, neighbor, spouse or a child -- preferably someone who's Mormon.
Fifth: Do a Google search on "Successful LDS Sunday School Lessons" on the internet and find something that has worked in other Wards.
Sixth: Tell the class that today is discussion day, toss out a topic and pray it doesn’t lead to an apostate subject.
Seventh: Tell a class member that you suddenly feel inspired to have him or her teach your class.
Eighth: Write the missionaries.
Ninth: Play hang man over and over and over again, avoiding, for as long as you can, the raised hand of the person who knows the answer.
Tenth: If all else fails... call in with a sudden emergency.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Read the lesson manual carefully, prayerfully consider the contents and teach the class accordingly.
Second: Re-teach a lesson you gave thirty years ago when the Brady Bunch were in.
Third: Read an article from the Ensign and try to “humbly” summarize its message.
Fourth: Invite a visitor to come in and speak, impromptu, about a certain Gospel subject -- usually a good friend, neighbor, spouse or a child -- preferably someone who's Mormon.
Fifth: Do a Google search on "Successful LDS Sunday School Lessons" on the internet and find something that has worked in other Wards.
Sixth: Tell the class that today is discussion day, toss out a topic and pray it doesn’t lead to an apostate subject.
Seventh: Tell a class member that you suddenly feel inspired to have him or her teach your class.
Eighth: Write the missionaries.
Ninth: Play hang man over and over and over again, avoiding, for as long as you can, the raised hand of the person who knows the answer.
Tenth: If all else fails... call in with a sudden emergency.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
'TIS THE SEASON BREAKING NEWS: THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF CANNING
The Do’s and Don’ts of Canning:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Grandma Randy
Do can peaches.
Do not can hot dogs.
Do eat the food you can.
Do not eat the food you can if the food was canned by your great, great grandmother.
Do save the jars to be reused.
Do not save the lids, unless the Relief Society has figured out a way to use them in an inexpensive Christmas wreath.
Do use jars for other things like making dry, stackable soup or cookie ingredients that can be given to neighbors, and never used, for Christmas or for storing nails, tacks and other things in the garage.
Do not use jars as bowling pins.
Do use the jar rings for beautiful Christmas ornaments to adorn your Christmas tree or to cut dough to make doughnuts.
Do not use the jar rings for earrings, no matter how much the Relief Society tells you how they are the most current fad.
Do use the jar lifter to lift jars from cooker.
Do not use the jar lifter as a back scratcher in front of house guests.
Do use the jar cooker to boils jars of fruit.
Do not use the jar cooker to bathe the family pet.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Grandma Randy
Do can peaches.
Do not can hot dogs.
Do eat the food you can.
Do not eat the food you can if the food was canned by your great, great grandmother.
Do save the jars to be reused.
Do not save the lids, unless the Relief Society has figured out a way to use them in an inexpensive Christmas wreath.
Do use jars for other things like making dry, stackable soup or cookie ingredients that can be given to neighbors, and never used, for Christmas or for storing nails, tacks and other things in the garage.
Do not use jars as bowling pins.
Do use the jar rings for beautiful Christmas ornaments to adorn your Christmas tree or to cut dough to make doughnuts.
Do not use the jar rings for earrings, no matter how much the Relief Society tells you how they are the most current fad.
Do use the jar lifter to lift jars from cooker.
Do not use the jar lifter as a back scratcher in front of house guests.
Do use the jar cooker to boils jars of fruit.
Do not use the jar cooker to bathe the family pet.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
BREAKING NEWS IN DA HOOD: PRIMARY SONGS REMIXED
TITLES OF PRIMARY SONGS REMIXED:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
D'em Bling, Bling Corelle’s That Yo Mama Gives You Supper On
I’z Be Crossin’ My Fingers Dat Someday I’z Goes Tryin’ To Gets People To Agree To Be Dunked In D’em Waters
Look at All D'em Kernels Goin' To Town on Dat Piece of Fruit Bearin' Nature
All D’em Shorties In De’m Tied-Under-the-Chin Hoods Dropped De’m Rhymes As D’ey Footed D’ere Way Across D’em Mountains
I Be From Da Man Above
Wha’s Up, Hey Dawg
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
D'em Bling, Bling Corelle’s That Yo Mama Gives You Supper On
I’z Be Crossin’ My Fingers Dat Someday I’z Goes Tryin’ To Gets People To Agree To Be Dunked In D’em Waters
Look at All D'em Kernels Goin' To Town on Dat Piece of Fruit Bearin' Nature
All D’em Shorties In De’m Tied-Under-the-Chin Hoods Dropped De’m Rhymes As D’ey Footed D’ere Way Across D’em Mountains
I Be From Da Man Above
Wha’s Up, Hey Dawg
Monday, September 12, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS IS BACK WITH THREE BRAND NEW, YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, LDS CRAZY THOUGHTS!!!!
HAPPYJELLYBEANS IS BACK!!!!
AND JUST WHERE WAS HJB? HJB WENT ON VACATION!!!
WISH YOU COULD'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!!
BUT, WHILE ON VACATION, HAPPYJELLYBEANS NOTICED/THOUGHT OF/DILLUSIONED THE FOLLOWING:
(Now, don't go gettin' all ADHD on me. I've actually included TWO LDS thoughts for the day, to make up for my neglect: LDS Pronounced vs. English Pronounced Words and Things You'll Only Ever Find at a BYU Football Game)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WHAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING OF THE FOLLOWING LDS-PRONOUNCED WORDS?
(Example sentences used, for your convenience.)
Ki-en: "Hey, leave that ki-en alone. It's having ki-ens."
Shu-up: "No, you shu-up!"
Bu-on: "Oh no, I lost my bu-on."
Moun-ain: "Oh, wow, look at them pretty moun-ains."
Lay-on: "I live in Lay-on."
Mi-ens: "It's cold out. I think I'll put on my mi-ens."
Cur-ains: "Those cur-ains are filthy."
Fla-ened: "Now look. My bread is all fla-aned."
Go-en: "I should have go-en up at 8, but I slept in."
Hi-in’: "Quit hi-in' your sister!"
Ge-in’: "I should be ge-in' home, how 'bout you?"
Le-in’: "I keep le-in' the dog in and now Mom's mad at me."
Nu-in’: "I'm not doin' nu-in'. Why? Wanna do some-hin?
Pu-in’: "I keep pu-in' salt in my cereal instead of sugar."
THINGS YOU'LL ONLY EVER SEE
AT A BYU FOOTBALL GAME:
Fresh, homemade scones
Popcorn
Fans drinking milk
10,000 female fans wearing engagement rings
10,000 men yelling, "Shoot," each time a player fumbles the ball
Fans doing their home/visiting teaching during half-time
21,998 smiling faces
A "wave" that lasts nearly a full quarter
Pinkie CTR rings instead of pinkie football rings
Fully clothed cheerleaders
AND JUST WHERE WAS HJB? HJB WENT ON VACATION!!!
WISH YOU COULD'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!!
BUT, WHILE ON VACATION, HAPPYJELLYBEANS NOTICED/THOUGHT OF/DILLUSIONED THE FOLLOWING:
(Now, don't go gettin' all ADHD on me. I've actually included TWO LDS thoughts for the day, to make up for my neglect: LDS Pronounced vs. English Pronounced Words and Things You'll Only Ever Find at a BYU Football Game)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WHAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING OF THE FOLLOWING LDS-PRONOUNCED WORDS?
(Example sentences used, for your convenience.)
Ki-en: "Hey, leave that ki-en alone. It's having ki-ens."
Shu-up: "No, you shu-up!"
Bu-on: "Oh no, I lost my bu-on."
Moun-ain: "Oh, wow, look at them pretty moun-ains."
Lay-on: "I live in Lay-on."
Mi-ens: "It's cold out. I think I'll put on my mi-ens."
Cur-ains: "Those cur-ains are filthy."
Fla-ened: "Now look. My bread is all fla-aned."
Go-en: "I should have go-en up at 8, but I slept in."
Hi-in’: "Quit hi-in' your sister!"
Ge-in’: "I should be ge-in' home, how 'bout you?"
Le-in’: "I keep le-in' the dog in and now Mom's mad at me."
Nu-in’: "I'm not doin' nu-in'. Why? Wanna do some-hin?
Pu-in’: "I keep pu-in' salt in my cereal instead of sugar."
THINGS YOU'LL ONLY EVER SEE
AT A BYU FOOTBALL GAME:
Fresh, homemade scones
Popcorn
Fans drinking milk
10,000 female fans wearing engagement rings
10,000 men yelling, "Shoot," each time a player fumbles the ball
Fans doing their home/visiting teaching during half-time
21,998 smiling faces
A "wave" that lasts nearly a full quarter
Pinkie CTR rings instead of pinkie football rings
Fully clothed cheerleaders
Friday, August 26, 2005
CRAZY BREAKING NEWS: WACKY LDS FACTS
Wacky LDS Facts:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A LDS hymnbook is exactly the same width as two half-pound Hershey Candy Bars.
While in a deep sleep, a high councilman’s breath can produce enough steam on a compact mirror to nearly produce moisture.
The average Ward chorister raises her arm 1.3 feet in the air to begin conducting a hymn.
Ever since startling an old man to death, Sunday School buzzers have been discouraged.
The same person who designed church classroom doors also designed bank vault doors.
On any given nursery hour, two million different germs circulate throughout the room.
On average, ten pounds of candy are eaten during every Ward Primary.
A relief society sister’s testimony usually is expressed in the same octave range as a dramatic Soprano.
On the first Saturday night of every month, enough food is consumed by LDS people to feed all of China, Japan and part of Russia.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A LDS hymnbook is exactly the same width as two half-pound Hershey Candy Bars.
While in a deep sleep, a high councilman’s breath can produce enough steam on a compact mirror to nearly produce moisture.
The average Ward chorister raises her arm 1.3 feet in the air to begin conducting a hymn.
Ever since startling an old man to death, Sunday School buzzers have been discouraged.
The same person who designed church classroom doors also designed bank vault doors.
On any given nursery hour, two million different germs circulate throughout the room.
On average, ten pounds of candy are eaten during every Ward Primary.
A relief society sister’s testimony usually is expressed in the same octave range as a dramatic Soprano.
On the first Saturday night of every month, enough food is consumed by LDS people to feed all of China, Japan and part of Russia.
Friday, August 19, 2005
UH OH BREAKING NEWS: TEN REASONS WHY LDS WOMEN DO THEIR VISITING TEACHING
Ten Reasons Why LDS Women DO Their Visiting Teaching
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the LDS woman loves knowing that she WILL go directly to Heaven for performing this one kind act each month.
2. Because the LDS woman loves the idea that Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to do something charitable for someone else each month.
3. Because Visiting Teaching satisfies the LDS woman's curiosity about whether or not the sister she is visiting teaching is a good housekeeper.
4. Because the LDS woman loves the feeling she gets from telling her friends that she is, in fact, a 100 percent Visiting Teacher, so she can feel good while all of her dearest friends feel horribly guilty.
5. Because Visiting Teaching is such a great way to say how concerned the LDS woman is about this person and that person in the Ward and is actually able to catch up on the latest Ward gossip.
6. Because the Visiting Teacher loves to bake homemade goodies and Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to give to someone all of these delicious, 3,000 fat grams per serving baked goods.
7. Because if the LDS woman did not Visit Teach, the LDS woman might be tempted to watch soap operas or trashy talk shows and then the LDS woman would fear she would never go to Heaven.
8. Because Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the opportunity to brag about all of her latest accomplishments -- including awards won by herself and her children, etc.
9. Because the LDS woman loves to hear herself give never-ending speeches about simple Gospel subjects and Visiting Teaching gives her the perfect opportunity to do so.
10. Because the LDS woman loves taking two full days out of every month, just to visit two people.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the LDS woman loves knowing that she WILL go directly to Heaven for performing this one kind act each month.
2. Because the LDS woman loves the idea that Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to do something charitable for someone else each month.
3. Because Visiting Teaching satisfies the LDS woman's curiosity about whether or not the sister she is visiting teaching is a good housekeeper.
4. Because the LDS woman loves the feeling she gets from telling her friends that she is, in fact, a 100 percent Visiting Teacher, so she can feel good while all of her dearest friends feel horribly guilty.
5. Because Visiting Teaching is such a great way to say how concerned the LDS woman is about this person and that person in the Ward and is actually able to catch up on the latest Ward gossip.
6. Because the Visiting Teacher loves to bake homemade goodies and Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to give to someone all of these delicious, 3,000 fat grams per serving baked goods.
7. Because if the LDS woman did not Visit Teach, the LDS woman might be tempted to watch soap operas or trashy talk shows and then the LDS woman would fear she would never go to Heaven.
8. Because Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the opportunity to brag about all of her latest accomplishments -- including awards won by herself and her children, etc.
9. Because the LDS woman loves to hear herself give never-ending speeches about simple Gospel subjects and Visiting Teaching gives her the perfect opportunity to do so.
10. Because the LDS woman loves taking two full days out of every month, just to visit two people.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
TRUE CONFESSIONS BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY LDS MEN DON'T DO THEIR HOMETEACHING
TRUE CONFESSIONS: Top Ten Reasons Why LDS Men Don't Do Their Hometeaching
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the families never answer their door when LDS man stops by on the last day of each month at 11 p.m.
2. Because the LDS man does not know any of the names of the LDS families the LDS man is supposed to hometeach.
3. Because LDS man feels he must stay home with his family, just in case the Second Coming suddenly arrives.
4. Because the LDS man actually does do his hometeaching...as he passes his hometeaching families in the hallways at Church.
5. Because the LDS man has done so many other things right in his life that the LDS man is afraid if he does do his hometeaching he will be translated and his family needs him too much.
6. Because the LDS man is afraid of what might happen if while doing his hometaching, the LDS man accidentally became injured and he needed to sue the LDS hometeaching family, so, out of compassion for the LDS family, LDS man is not going to take any risks.
7. Because once, when he was hometeaching with his father as a young boy, the LDS man had a traumatic experience with a vicious dog, and so, for mentally medicinal reasons, therapists have advised him never to do his hometeaching.
8. Because the LDS man refuses to have HIS Ward be one of THOSE WARDS Wards that brags about having 100% hometeaching.
9. Because the LDS man tries to do his hometeaching, but everytime he gets in his car, Satan tempts him and he goes to the gym instead.
10. Because the LDS man's hometeachers never come over to hometeach him.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the families never answer their door when LDS man stops by on the last day of each month at 11 p.m.
2. Because the LDS man does not know any of the names of the LDS families the LDS man is supposed to hometeach.
3. Because LDS man feels he must stay home with his family, just in case the Second Coming suddenly arrives.
4. Because the LDS man actually does do his hometeaching...as he passes his hometeaching families in the hallways at Church.
5. Because the LDS man has done so many other things right in his life that the LDS man is afraid if he does do his hometeaching he will be translated and his family needs him too much.
6. Because the LDS man is afraid of what might happen if while doing his hometaching, the LDS man accidentally became injured and he needed to sue the LDS hometeaching family, so, out of compassion for the LDS family, LDS man is not going to take any risks.
7. Because once, when he was hometeaching with his father as a young boy, the LDS man had a traumatic experience with a vicious dog, and so, for mentally medicinal reasons, therapists have advised him never to do his hometeaching.
8. Because the LDS man refuses to have HIS Ward be one of THOSE WARDS Wards that brags about having 100% hometeaching.
9. Because the LDS man tries to do his hometeaching, but everytime he gets in his car, Satan tempts him and he goes to the gym instead.
10. Because the LDS man's hometeachers never come over to hometeach him.
Monday, August 15, 2005
FUNATTER-DAY SAINTS BREAKING NEWS: MORE MIPPETS
More Mippets !!!
(by Bettyanne Bruin, from an original idea by greedykristian. Used with permission.)
Mippet: Noun. Definition: Mormon snippet. Example: Members of the LDS church are very unique and famous for all of the many mippets they possess.
Thank you, Abrasivist, for your e-mailed comment about Mippets. E-mailed comments are one of the things I enjoy most about happyjellybeans.
From Abrasivist:
Lamment: Noun. Definition: mixing lame with comment.
happyjellybeans example: "Many times in Sunday School class, there is a lot of lammenting going on."
Funatter-day Saint: Adverb. Definition: A Mormon who likes to have a lot of fun. "I just love what a funatter-day Saint Martha is."
Shayer: Noun. Definition: Short prayer: "I'm so tired tonight that I think I'll just say a shayer." Or, "Geez, can't you remember it's Fast Sunday? I'm starving, so just hurry up and say a shayer!"
Badair. Noun. Definition: Bad hair. Example: "Sometimes people in some Wards really suffer from some pretty aweful badair (i.e. toupes that don't match, Marge Simpson hairstyles)."
Rushtoseconds. Noun. Definition: Storming the buffet table at a Ward dinner. Example: "Last time our Ward had a Ward dinner, it was embarassing how many people would rushtoseconds. I don't know if I'll ever bring my non-member neighbor again."
(by Bettyanne Bruin, from an original idea by greedykristian. Used with permission.)
Mippet: Noun. Definition: Mormon snippet. Example: Members of the LDS church are very unique and famous for all of the many mippets they possess.
Thank you, Abrasivist, for your e-mailed comment about Mippets. E-mailed comments are one of the things I enjoy most about happyjellybeans.
From Abrasivist:
Lamment: Noun. Definition: mixing lame with comment.
happyjellybeans example: "Many times in Sunday School class, there is a lot of lammenting going on."
Funatter-day Saint: Adverb. Definition: A Mormon who likes to have a lot of fun. "I just love what a funatter-day Saint Martha is."
Shayer: Noun. Definition: Short prayer: "I'm so tired tonight that I think I'll just say a shayer." Or, "Geez, can't you remember it's Fast Sunday? I'm starving, so just hurry up and say a shayer!"
Badair. Noun. Definition: Bad hair. Example: "Sometimes people in some Wards really suffer from some pretty aweful badair (i.e. toupes that don't match, Marge Simpson hairstyles)."
Rushtoseconds. Noun. Definition: Storming the buffet table at a Ward dinner. Example: "Last time our Ward had a Ward dinner, it was embarassing how many people would rushtoseconds. I don't know if I'll ever bring my non-member neighbor again."
Friday, August 12, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: COMPOUND MORMON WORDS
COMPOUND MORMON WORDS: MIPPETS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Compound word: A compound word is made when two words are joined to form a new word
The first three are contributions from a well-known author, greedykristian:
Spord: VerbCompounded words: Super bored, Example: "All this talk of pioneers is making me spord".
Juckle: VerbCompounded words: Jovial ChuckleExample: "When Brother Matthews slept so soundly on the back row of the chapel that he fell asleep, I had to juckle."
Sly laughter: VerbCompounded words: Sly Laughter, Example: "When Sister Crazy sings in church, Randy and I crouch down in our pew and slaughter."
happyjellbeans offering:
Sobimony: A testimony filled with sobbing tears.
...more soon...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Compound word: A compound word is made when two words are joined to form a new word
The first three are contributions from a well-known author, greedykristian:
Spord: VerbCompounded words: Super bored, Example: "All this talk of pioneers is making me spord".
Juckle: VerbCompounded words: Jovial ChuckleExample: "When Brother Matthews slept so soundly on the back row of the chapel that he fell asleep, I had to juckle."
Sly laughter: VerbCompounded words: Sly Laughter, Example: "When Sister Crazy sings in church, Randy and I crouch down in our pew and slaughter."
happyjellbeans offering:
Sobimony: A testimony filled with sobbing tears.
...more soon...
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
CHOOSE THE RIGHT BREAKING NEWS: WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS SAY/WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS THINK!!!
WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS SAY/WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS THINK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"Reverence really does begin with me and you." (But if you don’t get quiet soon, massive verbal abuse and maybe even some violence is going to begin to erupt here. You'll be seeing some of my own signs of the times.)
"Treats are wonderful. Isn't it wonderful that everyone loves treats and they can serve such a useful purpose." (Yeah, right. Whoever invented treats oughta be shot. No one ever remembers to buy them until after they’ve jumped into bed on Saturday night. And, the only thing the kids expect in the class is not a lesson or love, but oh boy, we’d better have those treats ready or else!)
"Saturday is such a special day." (‘Cause I’m not in church teaching Primary.)
"We’re gonna have such a great time teaching Sharing Time." (After my Xanax kicks in.)
"When we’re happy, we’re helping." (You've got to be kidding? Whoever wrote THIS song oughta be shot. I can’t ever get anyone to help me, let alone be happy about it.)
"Choose the right." (Ha! Sometimes it feels like Chance To get Revenge).
"The lesson objective for today is..." (Objective? The only real objective here is to make sure to get out of here with my life and my sanity.)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"Reverence really does begin with me and you." (But if you don’t get quiet soon, massive verbal abuse and maybe even some violence is going to begin to erupt here. You'll be seeing some of my own signs of the times.)
"Treats are wonderful. Isn't it wonderful that everyone loves treats and they can serve such a useful purpose." (Yeah, right. Whoever invented treats oughta be shot. No one ever remembers to buy them until after they’ve jumped into bed on Saturday night. And, the only thing the kids expect in the class is not a lesson or love, but oh boy, we’d better have those treats ready or else!)
"Saturday is such a special day." (‘Cause I’m not in church teaching Primary.)
"We’re gonna have such a great time teaching Sharing Time." (After my Xanax kicks in.)
"When we’re happy, we’re helping." (You've got to be kidding? Whoever wrote THIS song oughta be shot. I can’t ever get anyone to help me, let alone be happy about it.)
"Choose the right." (Ha! Sometimes it feels like Chance To get Revenge).
"The lesson objective for today is..." (Objective? The only real objective here is to make sure to get out of here with my life and my sanity.)
Friday, July 29, 2005
K, so, the mind behind happyjellybeans turned, in rap language, fiddy this week. The mind behind happyjellybeans hates that when that happens. Another decade gone by. Whew. That one was quick. Oh well...
BREAKING NEWS: Thank you, to whomever felt comfortable and confident enough to contribute their input to happyjellybeans. You done good. The posting? "If your own child is finally old enough to attend nursery allowing you a peaceful Sunday school lesson - you're new calling will obviously be nursery worker." Awesome. I love it. This is in reference to the posting: LDS NURSERY LAWS.
Please feel free to add your fiddy cents. Everyone is welcome to contribute to this site. We all have something to say, we just don't know where to say it. Well, to borrow a famous quote, "This is the place." Join us, as often as you'd like, and say whatever you feel. Your thoughts and ideas WILL be posted!!! Cool.
Okay, so, in honor of my fiddieth year on Earth, the blog for today goes as follows...
LDS Rap Songs Anyone Can Sing
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Scout Gangstas Gonna Earn Der Eagle? by Boyz N Da Trupe
Ruff Ryders Uv Family Hizteries by Jurnelz, Penz ‘n Paperz
Headin’ St8t For Da Heavenz by The Zelestial Boyz
Trippin' Over Da Toddlerz by The Nursery Chix
Smile In Your Sleep, Mr. H.P. by C-pap Machines Rule
I Be Good I Promise by Never in Primary You Won't
Outa Darkness Be Not For Me by Wanna B. Goodie
Da World Has Need of Willing De Mans (A remix) by M&Ms
BREAKING NEWS: Thank you, to whomever felt comfortable and confident enough to contribute their input to happyjellybeans. You done good. The posting? "If your own child is finally old enough to attend nursery allowing you a peaceful Sunday school lesson - you're new calling will obviously be nursery worker." Awesome. I love it. This is in reference to the posting: LDS NURSERY LAWS.
Please feel free to add your fiddy cents. Everyone is welcome to contribute to this site. We all have something to say, we just don't know where to say it. Well, to borrow a famous quote, "This is the place." Join us, as often as you'd like, and say whatever you feel. Your thoughts and ideas WILL be posted!!! Cool.
Okay, so, in honor of my fiddieth year on Earth, the blog for today goes as follows...
LDS Rap Songs Anyone Can Sing
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Scout Gangstas Gonna Earn Der Eagle? by Boyz N Da Trupe
Ruff Ryders Uv Family Hizteries by Jurnelz, Penz ‘n Paperz
Headin’ St8t For Da Heavenz by The Zelestial Boyz
Trippin' Over Da Toddlerz by The Nursery Chix
Smile In Your Sleep, Mr. H.P. by C-pap Machines Rule
I Be Good I Promise by Never in Primary You Won't
Outa Darkness Be Not For Me by Wanna B. Goodie
Da World Has Need of Willing De Mans (A remix) by M&Ms
Friday, July 22, 2005
YEE-HA BREAKING NEWS: PIONEER GREETING CARDS!!!
Yee-ha! Pioneer greeting cards, just in time for the 24th!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Count Your Blessings:
May your hive always be filled with honey.
May your whore hound candy dish always be o’erflowing.
May your cabin not be completely overwhelmed with dirt.
May the seagulls continue to get rid of all those crickets.
Be grateful…things could be worse…
We could be cavemen!
From the first time I saw in your full-length gown and bonnet,
I’ve dreamed of shaking your hand.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
Congratulations on arriving in the valley.
You did a great job crossing the plains.
All that work and sweat and tears,
And pulling that handcart too.
Happy, 8th birthday, son!!!
Happy Halloween.
Isn’t it nice knowing
That someday,
A whole generation of people
Will dress up like you
And go door to door,
Making people laugh at how funny they look
And give them candy as a thank you
For a moment of sheer entertainment.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
It’s nice that after all those mornings with nothing but mush in the cabin,
and all of those daily potato cake suppers,
That at least one day a year
We get to eat a seven-course meal.
Christmas is one gift under the tree.
Christmas is stockings made of Dad's old socks, hanging from the hearth.
Christmas is a tender roast from the cow we just killed.
Christmas is snuggling together to keep from freezing to death.
Christmas is taking that once-a-month bath.
Ah, Christmas…the best time of year.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Count Your Blessings:
May your hive always be filled with honey.
May your whore hound candy dish always be o’erflowing.
May your cabin not be completely overwhelmed with dirt.
May the seagulls continue to get rid of all those crickets.
Be grateful…things could be worse…
We could be cavemen!
Happy New Year!!!
Knowing that in this wonderful time period in which we live,
That there are barely forty years to a person’s life,
Enjoy each New Year to the fullest
‘Cause there aren’t very many of them to come around.
From the first time I saw in your full-length gown and bonnet,
I’ve dreamed of shaking your hand.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
Congratulations on arriving in the valley.
You did a great job crossing the plains.
All that work and sweat and tears,
And pulling that handcart too.
Happy, 8th birthday, son!!!
Happy Halloween.
Isn’t it nice knowing
That someday,
A whole generation of people
Will dress up like you
And go door to door,
Making people laugh at how funny they look
And give them candy as a thank you
For a moment of sheer entertainment.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
It’s nice that after all those mornings with nothing but mush in the cabin,
and all of those daily potato cake suppers,
That at least one day a year
We get to eat a seven-course meal.
Christmas is one gift under the tree.
Christmas is stockings made of Dad's old socks, hanging from the hearth.
Christmas is a tender roast from the cow we just killed.
Christmas is snuggling together to keep from freezing to death.
Christmas is taking that once-a-month bath.
Ah, Christmas…the best time of year.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
COMMERCIALLY FANTASTIC BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS!!!
FINALLY: THE HALL OF FAME OF THE MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS:
Have it your frickin’ way.
A little dab of genealogy’ll do ya.
It’s scrapbooking time!
Reach out and home teach someone.
Can you hear me snore now?
The chorister is ready when you are.
Let your missionaries do the teaching.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a Relief Society is.
When you care enough to teach the very best.
Got genealogy?
A little dab of genealogy’ll do ya.
It’s scrapbooking time!
Reach out and home teach someone.
Can you hear me snore now?
The chorister is ready when you are.
Let your missionaries do the teaching.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a Relief Society is.
When you care enough to teach the very best.
Got genealogy?
Monday, July 18, 2005
AIRHEAD BREAKING NEWS: LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES
LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES
(By Bettyanne also the Blonde Bruin)
A blonde was sitting next to a brunette at church singing, We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.
When they got to the fifth before the last stanza of the last verse, the one blonde leaned over to the brunette and said, “That chorister doesn’t look pregnant to me.”
The brunette said, 'And we know that deliverance is nigh,’ isn’t talking about pregnancy, it’s talking about being delivered from evil!”
After church, the blonde goes to choir practice. At the end of practice, the blonde asks a fellow choir member for a ride home. When they arrive at the blonde’s residence, the blonde’s car is not in the driveway. The blonde exclaims, “My car!” to which the woman driving her home says, “Where’s your car? Has it been stolen?” “No,” the blonde replies. “I just remembered: I drove to choir practice today.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and the daughters of Ishmael?
The daughters of Ishmael had to walk everywhere they went.
A daughter of Ishmael walks around Zarahemla, carrying a pig under one arm.
A man, passing by, says, “Where’d you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her at a town raffle.”
Why couldn’t the dumb blonde watch Abinadi burn in the fire?
‘Cause she was afraid the bright lights might hurt her eyes.
What did the dumb blonde say to Nephi when his brothers had bound and gagged him?
That sure looks like strong rope.
What did the dumb blonde say when she saw Samuel standing on the city wall?
I never knew there was a wall there.
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to walk to Zarahemla?
She saw a sign saying: "Zarahelma Left" so she went home.
What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and when Alma the Younger was struck dumb?
Alma the Younger was laying down.
(By Bettyanne also the Blonde Bruin)
A blonde was sitting next to a brunette at church singing, We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.
When they got to the fifth before the last stanza of the last verse, the one blonde leaned over to the brunette and said, “That chorister doesn’t look pregnant to me.”
The brunette said, 'And we know that deliverance is nigh,’ isn’t talking about pregnancy, it’s talking about being delivered from evil!”
After church, the blonde goes to choir practice. At the end of practice, the blonde asks a fellow choir member for a ride home. When they arrive at the blonde’s residence, the blonde’s car is not in the driveway. The blonde exclaims, “My car!” to which the woman driving her home says, “Where’s your car? Has it been stolen?” “No,” the blonde replies. “I just remembered: I drove to choir practice today.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and the daughters of Ishmael?
The daughters of Ishmael had to walk everywhere they went.
A daughter of Ishmael walks around Zarahemla, carrying a pig under one arm.
A man, passing by, says, “Where’d you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her at a town raffle.”
Why couldn’t the dumb blonde watch Abinadi burn in the fire?
‘Cause she was afraid the bright lights might hurt her eyes.
What did the dumb blonde say to Nephi when his brothers had bound and gagged him?
That sure looks like strong rope.
What did the dumb blonde say when she saw Samuel standing on the city wall?
I never knew there was a wall there.
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to walk to Zarahemla?
She saw a sign saying: "Zarahelma Left" so she went home.
What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and when Alma the Younger was struck dumb?
Alma the Younger was laying down.
Friday, July 15, 2005
ANCIENT BREAKING NEWS: NAGGING WORDS FROM THE MOTHERS OF PEOPLE FROM THE BOOK OF MORMON
Nagging Words
From the Mothers
of People From the Book of Mormon
(Can you guess who each one is?)
(By Bettyane Bruin)
“I told you not to set down that bow! Every time you do, you forget where you put it, you step on it and then break it!”
“If you don’t start keeping better track of your things, some day you’re gonna lose your own head!”
“Why can’t you have a better sense of direction? Ever since I’ve know you, you’re always getting lost!”
“You buried what? Where?”
“If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fire!”
“You can talk and you can hear, so sit up.”
“You traveled in the sea by the way of what? And you could see by the light of five what?”
“You’re going to follow a group of men to the desert and marry them? Are you crazy?”
“Quit waving that flag so hard. You’re gonna hit somebody!”
“It’s nice you prayed all night, but where’s the beast you promised you’d bring home?”
“You and your secrets. Some day they're all going to combine up against you!”
From the Mothers
of People From the Book of Mormon
(Can you guess who each one is?)
(By Bettyane Bruin)
“I told you not to set down that bow! Every time you do, you forget where you put it, you step on it and then break it!”
“If you don’t start keeping better track of your things, some day you’re gonna lose your own head!”
“Why can’t you have a better sense of direction? Ever since I’ve know you, you’re always getting lost!”
“You buried what? Where?”
“If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fire!”
“You can talk and you can hear, so sit up.”
“You traveled in the sea by the way of what? And you could see by the light of five what?”
“You’re going to follow a group of men to the desert and marry them? Are you crazy?”
“Quit waving that flag so hard. You’re gonna hit somebody!”
“It’s nice you prayed all night, but where’s the beast you promised you’d bring home?”
“You and your secrets. Some day they're all going to combine up against you!”
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
PRIMARY BREAKING NEWS: WHY HEAVEN LIKES PRIMARY CHILDREN THE BEST
Why Heaven Likes Primary Children the Best:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
STARVING BREAKING NEWS: The Official LDS Fast Sunday Diet
The Official LDS Fast Sunday Diet
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
6 a.m.: No food.
7 a.m.: No food at all.
8 a.m.: Even more no food.
9 a.m.: No food still.
10 a.m.: NO food.
11 a.m.: NO FOOD!
12 p.m.: Still absolutely no food enters mouth.
1 p.m.: No intake of food between lips remains at an all-time high.
2 p.m.: Brain still registering that zero amount of food intake is still occurring.
3 p.m.: Absolutely nothing enters the mouth, still, food wise.
4 p.m.: NO, NO, NO, NO FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!
5 p.m: Where the h&#! is the d@*! food?
5:57 p.m.: Convinced dehydration is compromising system, upon entering house after church, a small amount of water is consumed.
5:58: Two Oreo cookies, sitting on the counter, are inadvertently placed in mouth.
5:59 p.m.: A handful of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, otherwise despised on any other day, is now rapidly consumed.
6:00 p.m.: To the Amen, the first bite of roast, dipped in gravy is eaten.
From 6:01 to 7 p.m.:
One pound of roast dipped in three cups of gravy.
One baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Another baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Four homemade rolls.
Six heaping spoonfuls of Jell-O Salad mixed with Cool Whip and fruit.
Ten glasses of iced Soda.
Cooked carrots and butter bowl licked clean.
8 p.m.: Leftovers from yesterday’s dinner consumed.
9 p.m.: Bowl of cereal missed during morning fast now consumed.
10 p.m.: Eleven brownies, last three brownies in a bowl with ice cream and hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream and cherry.
11 p.m.: Two tablespoons Pepto Bismal
2 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal
5 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal.
"After trying everything to put on weight, I finally tried this diet for twele months (and I'm not even Mormon).I put on nearly forty-five pounds, which was good, 'cause the doctor said if I didn't put on any weight, something bad might happen to me. Thanks, LDS Official Fast Sunday diet!" a satsified person in Utah.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
6 a.m.: No food.
7 a.m.: No food at all.
8 a.m.: Even more no food.
9 a.m.: No food still.
10 a.m.: NO food.
11 a.m.: NO FOOD!
12 p.m.: Still absolutely no food enters mouth.
1 p.m.: No intake of food between lips remains at an all-time high.
2 p.m.: Brain still registering that zero amount of food intake is still occurring.
3 p.m.: Absolutely nothing enters the mouth, still, food wise.
4 p.m.: NO, NO, NO, NO FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!
5 p.m: Where the h&#! is the d@*! food?
5:57 p.m.: Convinced dehydration is compromising system, upon entering house after church, a small amount of water is consumed.
5:58: Two Oreo cookies, sitting on the counter, are inadvertently placed in mouth.
5:59 p.m.: A handful of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, otherwise despised on any other day, is now rapidly consumed.
6:00 p.m.: To the Amen, the first bite of roast, dipped in gravy is eaten.
From 6:01 to 7 p.m.:
One pound of roast dipped in three cups of gravy.
One baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Another baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Four homemade rolls.
Six heaping spoonfuls of Jell-O Salad mixed with Cool Whip and fruit.
Ten glasses of iced Soda.
Cooked carrots and butter bowl licked clean.
8 p.m.: Leftovers from yesterday’s dinner consumed.
9 p.m.: Bowl of cereal missed during morning fast now consumed.
10 p.m.: Eleven brownies, last three brownies in a bowl with ice cream and hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream and cherry.
11 p.m.: Two tablespoons Pepto Bismal
2 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal
5 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal.
"After trying everything to put on weight, I finally tried this diet for twele months (and I'm not even Mormon).I put on nearly forty-five pounds, which was good, 'cause the doctor said if I didn't put on any weight, something bad might happen to me. Thanks, LDS Official Fast Sunday diet!" a satsified person in Utah.
Monday, July 11, 2005
FAMILIAL BREAKING NEWS: INGREDIENTS FOR A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY HOME EVENING
Ingredients for a Successful Family Home Evening:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: 1 to 100 family members, each carrying some type of challenge that keeps them one fight short of a complete nervous breakdown.
Second: 1 homemade treat, preferably homemade ice cream, S’mores, Rice Krispie treats, brownies or that 9X13 cake with holes punched in it dripping with caramel and Cool Whip on top.
Third: 1 clock, totally in bird’s eye of Father, so he hawk-eye it enough to know when the second arrives to announce that the prearranged time of twenty minutes has arrived and FHE is over or else.
Fourth: 1 newspaper nearby for father to eye over and/or sneak onto lap.
Fifth: 1 time-out chair, empty and ready to go, so Father can stand and point while ordering disobedient child go there or else.
Instructions:
1. Yell for family to gather.
2. Threaten to ground those family members who take too long to gather, including 90 year-old Grandpa who now lives with the family.
3. Have an opening prayer.
4. Ask if there is any family business.
5. At 10 p.m., after the last fight has finally ended, have a closing prayer,
or, if there is no family business:
play hangman to introduce lesson theme, attempt to give as much of the lesson as possible before the huge, out of control, FHE-ending fight breaks out.
6. Have a closing prayer.
7. Servethe treat.
8. Make assignments for next Monday’s FHE.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: 1 to 100 family members, each carrying some type of challenge that keeps them one fight short of a complete nervous breakdown.
Second: 1 homemade treat, preferably homemade ice cream, S’mores, Rice Krispie treats, brownies or that 9X13 cake with holes punched in it dripping with caramel and Cool Whip on top.
Third: 1 clock, totally in bird’s eye of Father, so he hawk-eye it enough to know when the second arrives to announce that the prearranged time of twenty minutes has arrived and FHE is over or else.
Fourth: 1 newspaper nearby for father to eye over and/or sneak onto lap.
Fifth: 1 time-out chair, empty and ready to go, so Father can stand and point while ordering disobedient child go there or else.
Instructions:
1. Yell for family to gather.
2. Threaten to ground those family members who take too long to gather, including 90 year-old Grandpa who now lives with the family.
3. Have an opening prayer.
4. Ask if there is any family business.
5. At 10 p.m., after the last fight has finally ended, have a closing prayer,
or, if there is no family business:
play hangman to introduce lesson theme, attempt to give as much of the lesson as possible before the huge, out of control, FHE-ending fight breaks out.
6. Have a closing prayer.
7. Servethe treat.
8. Make assignments for next Monday’s FHE.
Friday, July 08, 2005
ENDLESS BREAKING NEWS: OCD GENEALOGIST'S PHONE MESSAGES
PHONE MESSAGES FROM AN AVID GENEALOGIST:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Our teenager, Jon, is still dead to the world, but if your message will help bring him back to life, please hurry and press one.
If you’re searching for Susie, your research has just come to a satisfying end. Please smile and press two.
If you are a descendant of Adam and Eve, please leave your name, number and a brief message. If you are not a descendant of Adam and Eve, you’ve got bigger problems than us not being home.
The hearts of the children have truly been turned towards their fathers as well as the rest of mankind. Please leave your name, number and a brief message and we’ll return your call shortly, so you, in turn, can call us and we, in turn, can call you back.
This is the Ray Johnson family. Please leave your given name, your surname, the proper date and the exact time of your call and we will get back to you shortly.
Our records continue to indicate that this is the William Waccholz family located in the city of South Pasadena, in the state of California, in the county of Los Angeles. Please record your message, so we can check the recording and get back to you as soon as is humanly possible.
The acorn doesn’t fall far from the family tree, and neither do we, so please do not trunkate or branch out your message too far. Just leaf something brief and we’ll get to the root of your call and give you a bark shortly.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Our teenager, Jon, is still dead to the world, but if your message will help bring him back to life, please hurry and press one.
If you’re searching for Susie, your research has just come to a satisfying end. Please smile and press two.
If you are a descendant of Adam and Eve, please leave your name, number and a brief message. If you are not a descendant of Adam and Eve, you’ve got bigger problems than us not being home.
The hearts of the children have truly been turned towards their fathers as well as the rest of mankind. Please leave your name, number and a brief message and we’ll return your call shortly, so you, in turn, can call us and we, in turn, can call you back.
This is the Ray Johnson family. Please leave your given name, your surname, the proper date and the exact time of your call and we will get back to you shortly.
Our records continue to indicate that this is the William Waccholz family located in the city of South Pasadena, in the state of California, in the county of Los Angeles. Please record your message, so we can check the recording and get back to you as soon as is humanly possible.
The acorn doesn’t fall far from the family tree, and neither do we, so please do not trunkate or branch out your message too far. Just leaf something brief and we’ll get to the root of your call and give you a bark shortly.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Advice on How to be a Successful Primary Teacher From a Newly Released Primary Teacher:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Up the credit limit on your Costco card for the ten pound candy treat purchases you will have to make each week, or else.
Second: Hire a good, qualified anger management counselor, one who specializes in ADHD.
Third: Make sure to make friends with at least a few say-yes-to-anything type people in the Ward for those times when you have no choice but to find a substitute.
Fourth: Be willing and ready to change your home phone number at any and/or every moment’s notice.
Fifth: Be willing and able to stay awake through Sacrament meeting in order to prepare your lesson.
Sixth: Work on your self-esteem so it is so intact that you will not feel the slightest bit rediculous sitting up in the choir seats at the front of the chapel surrounded by eighty-plus children, feeling totally oversized and humliated, during the Children’s Sacrament Meeting program.
Seventh: Make sure to have countless impromptu lessons ready for teaching as many as up to 80 children, ranging in age from 3 to 12, for those times when any or all of the other teachers pull a no-show.
Eighth: Practice smiling in front of the mirror until that smile can remain on your face no matter what the circumstance.
Ninth: Bookmark the word, "reverence," in your dictionary so you can look it up often to remind yourself of what the word really means.
Tenth: Work hard to keep your testimony killer-strong for those days when the second and third church-time hours of persecution really get rough.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Up the credit limit on your Costco card for the ten pound candy treat purchases you will have to make each week, or else.
Second: Hire a good, qualified anger management counselor, one who specializes in ADHD.
Third: Make sure to make friends with at least a few say-yes-to-anything type people in the Ward for those times when you have no choice but to find a substitute.
Fourth: Be willing and ready to change your home phone number at any and/or every moment’s notice.
Fifth: Be willing and able to stay awake through Sacrament meeting in order to prepare your lesson.
Sixth: Work on your self-esteem so it is so intact that you will not feel the slightest bit rediculous sitting up in the choir seats at the front of the chapel surrounded by eighty-plus children, feeling totally oversized and humliated, during the Children’s Sacrament Meeting program.
Seventh: Make sure to have countless impromptu lessons ready for teaching as many as up to 80 children, ranging in age from 3 to 12, for those times when any or all of the other teachers pull a no-show.
Eighth: Practice smiling in front of the mirror until that smile can remain on your face no matter what the circumstance.
Ninth: Bookmark the word, "reverence," in your dictionary so you can look it up often to remind yourself of what the word really means.
Tenth: Work hard to keep your testimony killer-strong for those days when the second and third church-time hours of persecution really get rough.
Friday, July 01, 2005
How To Have a Successful Fourth of July LDS Family Reunion:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
General LDS Family Reunion Supplies Needed:
1 - Cheap Hamburger Meat
2 - Homemade Hamburger Buns
3 - Home-canned dill pickles from Grandma’s backyard that everyone’s leery of.
4 - Generic-brand potato chips
5 - Warm potato salad
6 - Dirty salt and pepper shakers
7 - Other left-overs in the cupboard that are now considered filler food
8 - Kool-aid that sure to give you Diabetes
9 - Three diet cokes
10 - Ten bags of Oreos, five chocolate cakes, twelve pans of brownies, a big bowl of m&m's.
11 - A few Xanax
Instructions:
Before eating, while everyone is starving, have Grandpa, in a very monotone voice, tell about his lengthy heritage, his years in the service and the gratitude everyone should have for our country.
Right before everyone is ready to slit their wrists if they have to hear one more word of Grandpa's speech, have Grandma look at Grandpa with a fake, surprised look -- acting as though she can’t understand why everyone would ever fall asleep during Grandpa’s talk when she was the first one to succumb. In her Relief Society voice, have her suggest to Grandpa that a blessing be given on the food.
Then, have Grandpa say, (‘cause Grandpa’s so insecure that he has to feel like everything is his idea) “I’ve got a great idea, Dear (Have him emphasize the word, Dear, as if saying, ‘Do this or else.’) Why don’t we sing one verse of the National Anthem before we have the prayer?” Have Grandma agree ‘cause she can’t disagree with Grandpa or the rest of the day is ruined.
Have the family sing, while cousin James in the pony tail walks off to take a cigarette break.
Following a musically dysfunctional rendition of the National Anthem, have everyone dive into the food as if they haven’t eaten in weeks even though every one is packing at least a few extra pounds. Have one of the distant cousins comment to the stranger next to him, “It’s nice we have songs like the National Anthem … to remind us of the importance of carrying a gun.” Have him chuckle and then wink.
Make sure everyone binges, and then have a few people purge.
Following dinner, divide the group into two groups, except for James who has gone for another smoke. Give each group an old, stained bed sheet in which a water balloon is placed in one bed sheet while the other group holding the other bed sheet tries to catch the water balloon. Have everyone laugh at this and feel a deep, eternal family bond. Then, after about a half hour, have one of the cousins suffering from ADHD suggest throwing something else from sheet to sheet. Have someone suggest the little three-year old that just walked by. Have the three-year-old say, “Sure,” at the suggestion and climb onto the sheet. Have the sheet drop and a few family members fall and everyone laugh in delight at the fun that can be had at a LDS family reunion.
Then, have the obnoxious cousin, whom everybody wonders what he did wrong in the pre-existence, suddenly grab a water balloon and start a water balloon fight. Have half the group having the time of their life, and the other half mad, including James who says, “That thing had better not hit me or else.”
Have the balloon hit James. Have James freaks out, then get in the face of the thirteen-year-old who threw it.
Have someone grab James and have uncelestial words start flying.
Have the whole thing eventually settle down and then, finally, at the end of the reunion, have someone say, “Wasn’t this a great family reunion? We need to do this again next year.”
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
General LDS Family Reunion Supplies Needed:
1 - Cheap Hamburger Meat
2 - Homemade Hamburger Buns
3 - Home-canned dill pickles from Grandma’s backyard that everyone’s leery of.
4 - Generic-brand potato chips
5 - Warm potato salad
6 - Dirty salt and pepper shakers
7 - Other left-overs in the cupboard that are now considered filler food
8 - Kool-aid that sure to give you Diabetes
9 - Three diet cokes
10 - Ten bags of Oreos, five chocolate cakes, twelve pans of brownies, a big bowl of m&m's.
11 - A few Xanax
Instructions:
Before eating, while everyone is starving, have Grandpa, in a very monotone voice, tell about his lengthy heritage, his years in the service and the gratitude everyone should have for our country.
Right before everyone is ready to slit their wrists if they have to hear one more word of Grandpa's speech, have Grandma look at Grandpa with a fake, surprised look -- acting as though she can’t understand why everyone would ever fall asleep during Grandpa’s talk when she was the first one to succumb. In her Relief Society voice, have her suggest to Grandpa that a blessing be given on the food.
Then, have Grandpa say, (‘cause Grandpa’s so insecure that he has to feel like everything is his idea) “I’ve got a great idea, Dear (Have him emphasize the word, Dear, as if saying, ‘Do this or else.’) Why don’t we sing one verse of the National Anthem before we have the prayer?” Have Grandma agree ‘cause she can’t disagree with Grandpa or the rest of the day is ruined.
Have the family sing, while cousin James in the pony tail walks off to take a cigarette break.
Following a musically dysfunctional rendition of the National Anthem, have everyone dive into the food as if they haven’t eaten in weeks even though every one is packing at least a few extra pounds. Have one of the distant cousins comment to the stranger next to him, “It’s nice we have songs like the National Anthem … to remind us of the importance of carrying a gun.” Have him chuckle and then wink.
Make sure everyone binges, and then have a few people purge.
Following dinner, divide the group into two groups, except for James who has gone for another smoke. Give each group an old, stained bed sheet in which a water balloon is placed in one bed sheet while the other group holding the other bed sheet tries to catch the water balloon. Have everyone laugh at this and feel a deep, eternal family bond. Then, after about a half hour, have one of the cousins suffering from ADHD suggest throwing something else from sheet to sheet. Have someone suggest the little three-year old that just walked by. Have the three-year-old say, “Sure,” at the suggestion and climb onto the sheet. Have the sheet drop and a few family members fall and everyone laugh in delight at the fun that can be had at a LDS family reunion.
Then, have the obnoxious cousin, whom everybody wonders what he did wrong in the pre-existence, suddenly grab a water balloon and start a water balloon fight. Have half the group having the time of their life, and the other half mad, including James who says, “That thing had better not hit me or else.”
Have the balloon hit James. Have James freaks out, then get in the face of the thirteen-year-old who threw it.
Have someone grab James and have uncelestial words start flying.
Have the whole thing eventually settle down and then, finally, at the end of the reunion, have someone say, “Wasn’t this a great family reunion? We need to do this again next year.”
Thursday, June 30, 2005
MAKE OR BREAK BREAKING NEWS: DO'S AND DON'TS FOR WARD BISHOPRIC MEMBERS
Do’s and Don’ts for Ward Bishopric Members:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Do attend all your meetings.
Do not let the Ward catch you in your driveway during Sunday School in shorts hitching your boat up to a truck on your way to Lake Powell.
2 - Do have musical numbers performed during Sacrament Meeting:
Do not have a member play, “How Great Thou Art,” on their garage hand saw.
3 - Do compliment your speakers.
Do not compliment women who cry their whole way through their testimony and then say, “I’m sorry I’m such a big boob,” by saying, “That’s okay, Sister. We like big boobs.”
4 - Do hold tithing settlement.
Do not laugh and say, when you see the total amount of tithing paid, “How’d you get by on that?”
5 - Do give to every member of the Ward.
Do not give so much to every member of the Ward that you get burn out, take off in the middle of the night, go missing for three days and then become found pumping gas in a small town in Southern Utah.
6 - Do relax during Sacrament Meeting.
Do not relax so much that you fall asleep and drool on the shoulder of the person seated next to you.
7 – Do maintain your personal life.
Do not maintain your personal life so much that you wear a blue sweater under your suit coat every time BYU wins a football game.
8 – Do interview the youth bi-annually.
While interviewing the youth, do not ever scream the words, “You did what?”
9 – Do visit the elderly.
After visiting the elderly, do not ever let any of them over hear you saying to another Ward member, "Why would Heaven allow these people to live so long that they have to become a burden to everyone?"
10 – Do be the father of the Ward.
Do not be the father of the Ward so much that you end up grounding people, giving long Robert Reed-type speeches, not listening when spoken to or telling stupid “Dad” jokes.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Do attend all your meetings.
Do not let the Ward catch you in your driveway during Sunday School in shorts hitching your boat up to a truck on your way to Lake Powell.
2 - Do have musical numbers performed during Sacrament Meeting:
Do not have a member play, “How Great Thou Art,” on their garage hand saw.
3 - Do compliment your speakers.
Do not compliment women who cry their whole way through their testimony and then say, “I’m sorry I’m such a big boob,” by saying, “That’s okay, Sister. We like big boobs.”
4 - Do hold tithing settlement.
Do not laugh and say, when you see the total amount of tithing paid, “How’d you get by on that?”
5 - Do give to every member of the Ward.
Do not give so much to every member of the Ward that you get burn out, take off in the middle of the night, go missing for three days and then become found pumping gas in a small town in Southern Utah.
6 - Do relax during Sacrament Meeting.
Do not relax so much that you fall asleep and drool on the shoulder of the person seated next to you.
7 – Do maintain your personal life.
Do not maintain your personal life so much that you wear a blue sweater under your suit coat every time BYU wins a football game.
8 – Do interview the youth bi-annually.
While interviewing the youth, do not ever scream the words, “You did what?”
9 – Do visit the elderly.
After visiting the elderly, do not ever let any of them over hear you saying to another Ward member, "Why would Heaven allow these people to live so long that they have to become a burden to everyone?"
10 – Do be the father of the Ward.
Do not be the father of the Ward so much that you end up grounding people, giving long Robert Reed-type speeches, not listening when spoken to or telling stupid “Dad” jokes.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Ten Things That Make Mormons Feel Very Sad:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Making a prize-winning omelet, then sitting down to eat it and suddenly remembering it’s Fast Sunday.
2 - Going into an interview with the Bishop, thinking you’ll be called as the next Relief Society President and being called as a Ward Missionary instead.
3 - Finding out, during tithing settlement, that that one check you thought you turned in for five hundred dollars never got turned in.
4 - Finding all of the scrapbook pages you worked so hard to complete are now stuck together.
5 - Discovering the wheat you worked so hard to earn and store has now become overrun with weevils.
6 - Not serving a foreign mission.
7 – One hundred percent attendance on behalf of the scouts at Scout Camp with a no-show on behalf of all of the volunteer fathers (Oops, sad mixed up with mad on this one!).
8 – Finding out that it’s Tuesday, after Family Home Evening has already been held.
9 – Showing up for any early morning church meeting, forgetting that it’s the first day of Fall daylight savings.
10 – Missing a movie with all of your friends because you thought it was rated R, only to find out it was rated PG.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Making a prize-winning omelet, then sitting down to eat it and suddenly remembering it’s Fast Sunday.
2 - Going into an interview with the Bishop, thinking you’ll be called as the next Relief Society President and being called as a Ward Missionary instead.
3 - Finding out, during tithing settlement, that that one check you thought you turned in for five hundred dollars never got turned in.
4 - Finding all of the scrapbook pages you worked so hard to complete are now stuck together.
5 - Discovering the wheat you worked so hard to earn and store has now become overrun with weevils.
6 - Not serving a foreign mission.
7 – One hundred percent attendance on behalf of the scouts at Scout Camp with a no-show on behalf of all of the volunteer fathers (Oops, sad mixed up with mad on this one!).
8 – Finding out that it’s Tuesday, after Family Home Evening has already been held.
9 – Showing up for any early morning church meeting, forgetting that it’s the first day of Fall daylight savings.
10 – Missing a movie with all of your friends because you thought it was rated R, only to find out it was rated PG.
Monday, June 27, 2005
HAPPY HAPPY BREAKING NEWS: TEN THINGS THAT MAKE MORMONS REALLY HAPPY
Ten Things That Make Mormons Really Happy:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Getting a “yes” on the first phone call made for a Primary substitute.
Remembering on the 30th day of the month that there are 31 days in this particular month, so there’s one more day left to do home/visiting teaching.
Remembering on Sunday morning, as one is looking for their Sunday School manual, that it is Stake Conference Sunday.
Finding all of your genealogy with the push of one button at the Family History library.
Going in for a church calling and finding out the call is not to be the next Ward Nursery Leader, Scout Leader or Ward Mission Leader.
Thinking it is Fast Sunday, then finding out it isn’t.
Discovering one is right when it comes to certain Church doctrine, especially if the doctrine is controversial or of a delicate nature.
Getting out of any church meeting early.
At the close of a meeting, hearing the announcement that a blessing will now be given on the food.
Finding out the new Bishop is not the person no one gets along with.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Getting a “yes” on the first phone call made for a Primary substitute.
Remembering on the 30th day of the month that there are 31 days in this particular month, so there’s one more day left to do home/visiting teaching.
Remembering on Sunday morning, as one is looking for their Sunday School manual, that it is Stake Conference Sunday.
Finding all of your genealogy with the push of one button at the Family History library.
Going in for a church calling and finding out the call is not to be the next Ward Nursery Leader, Scout Leader or Ward Mission Leader.
Thinking it is Fast Sunday, then finding out it isn’t.
Discovering one is right when it comes to certain Church doctrine, especially if the doctrine is controversial or of a delicate nature.
Getting out of any church meeting early.
At the close of a meeting, hearing the announcement that a blessing will now be given on the food.
Finding out the new Bishop is not the person no one gets along with.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
FERFUN BREAKING NEWS: COMMENTS FROM UTAH MORMONS
Comments From Utah Mormons:
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Beshurin dewyer geneeolugy… ‘cuz if you don’t, someone’s gunna gi-chew!
Why eet peetza with a knife and a fark when you can hold it with yer hands?
My cah had some ki-ens lass ni. They’re sacute and ferry.
I’ll tell ya su-uh…them mou-ains sure are perdy!
Wudderyermean that vaccum don’t work? I just fixed it yestirdee.
The cap’n is sewfun. There aren’t many cap’ns like our cap’n.
I dunno nuthin’ never, not nowhere, now nohow!
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Beshurin dewyer geneeolugy… ‘cuz if you don’t, someone’s gunna gi-chew!
Why eet peetza with a knife and a fark when you can hold it with yer hands?
My cah had some ki-ens lass ni. They’re sacute and ferry.
I’ll tell ya su-uh…them mou-ains sure are perdy!
Wudderyermean that vaccum don’t work? I just fixed it yestirdee.
The cap’n is sewfun. There aren’t many cap’ns like our cap’n.
I dunno nuthin’ never, not nowhere, now nohow!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
GRRR BREAKING NEWS: QUESTIONS LDS PEOPLE GET TIRED OF BEING ASKED
Questions LDS People Get Tired of Being Asked
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Do you have more than one wife? Geez, what would it be like to have more than one wife? Keeping them happy would be harder than surviving a fall off a skyscraper! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I know you can’t drink beer, but can you drink root BEER? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Is it hard to baptize dead people? What’s the hardest part? Getting them to say, “Thank you?” Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I heard you can’t chew gum or dance? How come Donny and Marie can dance and chew gum and you can’t? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
If I pay someone, will they let me go in the temple? How about if I give them my Mastercard or Visa instead? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
In order to be a Mormon, do you HAVE to be a republican? Can you be a democrat or a libertarian or does everyone have to vote for the same person? If Arnold Schwatzenager ran for President, would everyone HAVE to vote for him? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Do you grow all your own food and make all your meals from scratch? I’d rather slit my wrists than do that! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
A long time ago, I heard two guys ate each other high on a mountain top. Who ate who first? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Do you have more than one wife? Geez, what would it be like to have more than one wife? Keeping them happy would be harder than surviving a fall off a skyscraper! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I know you can’t drink beer, but can you drink root BEER? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Is it hard to baptize dead people? What’s the hardest part? Getting them to say, “Thank you?” Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I heard you can’t chew gum or dance? How come Donny and Marie can dance and chew gum and you can’t? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
If I pay someone, will they let me go in the temple? How about if I give them my Mastercard or Visa instead? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
In order to be a Mormon, do you HAVE to be a republican? Can you be a democrat or a libertarian or does everyone have to vote for the same person? If Arnold Schwatzenager ran for President, would everyone HAVE to vote for him? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Do you grow all your own food and make all your meals from scratch? I’d rather slit my wrists than do that! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
A long time ago, I heard two guys ate each other high on a mountain top. Who ate who first? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Thank you, everyone, for your support! Of all of the countless things I love so much, happyjellybeans is right up there at the top!!! I appreciate the over 1500 hits per month to stop by and say hi. I would love to hear from you, especially ideas or feedback relating to this site cause I know you all have something even more important to say. Feel free to email me at bag727@yahoo.com. Until then, uh oh, Father's Day is coming!!!
PATERNAL BREAKING NEWS: LDS FATHER'S DAY CARDS AVAILABLE NOW!!!
DON'T WAIT!!!
GET YOURS NOW!!!
LDS FATHER'S DAY CARDS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Thanks for not doing your home teaching, Dad, ‘cause we love being with you every night of the month!
Sorry about burning down your tent at Scout Camp last Summer, Dad, but I promise, if you’ll come with me next year, I’ll never douse your tent with lighter fluid ever again.
Do you realize, Dad, that Father’s Day could be even better if it wasn’t for Adam’s transgression? But, have a good day any way.
Sorry, Dad, that sometimes I’m so glad when you come home that I wrap my arms around your neck and nearly choke you.
Thanks for having a family here on Earth, Dad, that we want to spend our life with through all eternity, except for those two wayward children, Kristin and Randy.
Dad, thanks for sitting up at that little table in the front of the chapel each Sunday, strolling the aisles to count how many people are in attendance, then going back up to your little table and drifting off to sleep so that we can all watch you instead of listening to some of those long, boring talks.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad. May all of your basketball games next year not end up costing you so much money in attorney’s fees.
You’re the best, Dad. Even though your Primary class drives you crazy and you have to put them in a headlock sometimes, I think they’re finally starting to get the message that reverence begins with each one of us.
Thanks for hanging in there on all of those family nights, Dad, and letting us drag you to family prayer, and for letting us keep your bedroom door open each morning so you can hear us during family scripture-time.
Sorry you didn’t win the Pinewood Derby, Dad, and you really shouldn’t have slugged the winner in the face and gotten hauled off by the cops, but we still love you anyway.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad, and thanks for ringing the buzzer in Sunday School to remind everyone in the Ward of what a loser you are. (Just kidding, Russ.)
HAPPY FATHER’ DAY, DAD!!!
GET YOURS NOW!!!
LDS FATHER'S DAY CARDS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Thanks for not doing your home teaching, Dad, ‘cause we love being with you every night of the month!
Sorry about burning down your tent at Scout Camp last Summer, Dad, but I promise, if you’ll come with me next year, I’ll never douse your tent with lighter fluid ever again.
Do you realize, Dad, that Father’s Day could be even better if it wasn’t for Adam’s transgression? But, have a good day any way.
Sorry, Dad, that sometimes I’m so glad when you come home that I wrap my arms around your neck and nearly choke you.
Thanks for having a family here on Earth, Dad, that we want to spend our life with through all eternity, except for those two wayward children, Kristin and Randy.
Dad, thanks for sitting up at that little table in the front of the chapel each Sunday, strolling the aisles to count how many people are in attendance, then going back up to your little table and drifting off to sleep so that we can all watch you instead of listening to some of those long, boring talks.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad. May all of your basketball games next year not end up costing you so much money in attorney’s fees.
You’re the best, Dad. Even though your Primary class drives you crazy and you have to put them in a headlock sometimes, I think they’re finally starting to get the message that reverence begins with each one of us.
Thanks for hanging in there on all of those family nights, Dad, and letting us drag you to family prayer, and for letting us keep your bedroom door open each morning so you can hear us during family scripture-time.
Sorry you didn’t win the Pinewood Derby, Dad, and you really shouldn’t have slugged the winner in the face and gotten hauled off by the cops, but we still love you anyway.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad, and thanks for ringing the buzzer in Sunday School to remind everyone in the Ward of what a loser you are. (Just kidding, Russ.)
HAPPY FATHER’ DAY, DAD!!!
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
ANCIENT BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE TAKING YOUR GENEALOGICAL RESEARCH TOO SERIOUSLY
Signs You Might Be Taking
Your Genealogical Research
Too Seriously
2-
3 -
4 –
5 -
6 -
7 -
8 –
9 –
10 –
Your Genealogical Research
Too Seriously
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 -
1 -
You can’t wait for all of your living relatives to die
so they can become your next ancestors.
2-
You can’t wait to meet Adam and Eve.
3 -
You’ve already had corrective eye surgery
as a result of staring at those
micro fiche machines for so long.
4 –
You look forward to spending time with your dead relatives
while you dread spending time with your living ones.
5 -
You’ve threatened to harm anyone
who tries to update your pedigree charts.
6 -
You actually know how to spell the word, genealogy.
7 -
People avoid you at family reunions.
8 –
You look at everything in your life from a backwards
instead of a forwards perspective.
9 –
You’ve started making up family histories
for those ancestors you can't find histories for.
10 –
You’d rather attend a genealogy seminar in Elko, Nevada
than a two-week trip at a five-star hotel
on the coast of Maui.
Monday, June 13, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: AVAILABLE NOW: ADVICE ON LIFE FROM LDS WARD LEADERS
AVAILABLE NOW:
ADVICE ON LIFE FROM WARD LEADERS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Advice on life from a High Priest:
Some believe life is for eating, drinking and being merry, but life is really for eating, drinking and sleeping. So sleep, sleep a lot. And when you are finished sleeping, sleep some more.
Advice on life from a Ward Basketball Player:
Always shoot for the best and, when life gets you down, be sure to take a good upper cut at anything that might be getting in the way of scoring every point you can.
Advice on life from a Relief Society President:
You can be perfect. And, if you can’t be perfect, go on medication.
Advice on life from a Primary child:
If someone is pestered long enough, eventually he, she or them will give in.
Advice on life from a Scoutmaster:
While doing your duty, try not to entertain thoughts of harming others, especially little boys under the age of twelve who have been sent to camp to give their families a break.
Advice on life from a Scrapbooker:
Life always looks better glued to a piece of paper.
Advice on life from a Genealogist:
Always search for what is missing most in your life.
Advice on life from a Ward librarian:
Even true friends or perfect saints refuse to remember to return borrowed items.
Advice on life from a Ward Mission Leader:
No matter how hard people try to lose your phone number, don’t give up. You can always give them your phone number again and again and again.
Advice on life from a Nursery Leader:
Amidst the world's madness, Advil works best.
ADVICE ON LIFE FROM WARD LEADERS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Advice on life from a High Priest:
Some believe life is for eating, drinking and being merry, but life is really for eating, drinking and sleeping. So sleep, sleep a lot. And when you are finished sleeping, sleep some more.
Advice on life from a Ward Basketball Player:
Always shoot for the best and, when life gets you down, be sure to take a good upper cut at anything that might be getting in the way of scoring every point you can.
Advice on life from a Relief Society President:
You can be perfect. And, if you can’t be perfect, go on medication.
Advice on life from a Primary child:
If someone is pestered long enough, eventually he, she or them will give in.
Advice on life from a Scoutmaster:
While doing your duty, try not to entertain thoughts of harming others, especially little boys under the age of twelve who have been sent to camp to give their families a break.
Advice on life from a Scrapbooker:
Life always looks better glued to a piece of paper.
Advice on life from a Genealogist:
Always search for what is missing most in your life.
Advice on life from a Ward librarian:
Even true friends or perfect saints refuse to remember to return borrowed items.
Advice on life from a Ward Mission Leader:
No matter how hard people try to lose your phone number, don’t give up. You can always give them your phone number again and again and again.
Advice on life from a Nursery Leader:
Amidst the world's madness, Advil works best.
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