A FEW, NEW LDS NURSERY RHYMES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
All around the Primary room
The teacher chased the student.
The student thought 'twas all in fun.
Quit! goes the teacher.
The genealogists find their ancestors one by one, hurrah, hurrah
The genealogists find their ancestors one by one, hurrah, hurrah
The genealogist find them one by one,
another one stops, can't find someone
as they all go marching
back
to the garden,
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Baa, baa, high priest,
Do not talk so dull.
Yes ma’am, yes ma’am,
Tis been an hour's lull;
Now done for the father,
And done for the dame,
And done for the Bishop
Whose going insane.
The Mormons love green Jell-o,
The Mormons love green Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons love green Jell-o.
The Mormons take the carrots,
The Mormons take the carrots,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons take the carrots.
The carrots go in the Jell-o,
The carrots go in the Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The carrots go in the Jell-o.
The Mormons eat the Jell-o,
The Mormons eat the Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons eat the Jell-o.
The Mormons stand alone,
The Mormons stand alone,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons stand alone.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Thursday, May 05, 2005
WARNING BREAKING NEWS: MORMON URBAN LEGENDS
Mormon Urban Legends:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
THESE STORIES ARE NOT TRUE!!!
But, How Many of You Can Resist The Urge to Really Believe These Stories Might Be True? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
1. Re: Get Ready:
In a few weeks, church directories will be released to telemarketing companies and you may start to receive sales calls. Call this number from your phone 888-382-1222. Doing so will add your phone number to the national "Do Not Call" list. It should block your number from telemarketing calls for 5 years.
2. Subject: FW: Please Read!!! This could save your life!!!
This is not a joke and is pretty gross. If you are faint of heart or stomach don't look at funeralpotatoes.jpg This is why you should never mess with a funeral potato casserole! Warning the picture is pretty gross, it's what's left of one of the casserole! The following pictures are of the casserole dish after five active LDS family members attacked it for Sunday dinner. The casserole was in a 9X13 dish, with corn flakes sprinkled on top and potato stuck and burned to the side. Think about it. This thing could have served twelve people of normal size, but…
3. Re: Fw: And you thought the funeral casserole was bad!!!
Three women in Utah turned up at three different hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms: Inability to concentrate, an overwhelming desire to spend money, followed by speeding, rudeness in a crowd and finally, death. There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed no toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Scrapbooking Store within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail. The big break came when one of the employees at the store was rushed to the hospital with the same symptoms... She told doctors that while she was at work, each of the above-mentioned ladies had insisted the employee look at photos of the other women’s dead ancestors to which the employee suddenly became dizzy. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but continued to look at the ancestor’s pictures. That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove to the hospitals and looked at the pictures of the ill ladies’ ancestors as well. Investigators finally concluded that looking at photos of dead ancestors can be very hazardous to your health and even cause death. It is now believed that people from all over the country are susceptible to this disease. Please, before looking at any pictures of dead ancestors, make the decision to not look at them for too long. It could save your life! And please pass this on to everyone you care about.
4. Subject: FW: Wrapped candy anyone?
Charming........
This incident happened recently in Utah.
A woman went to church on Sunday and took with her some wrapped candies with her. On Monday she was taken into ICU and on Wednesday she died. The autopsy revealed a certain Leptospirosis was caused by trying to eat the wrapped candy during Sacrament Meeting. A test showed that unwrapping the candy wrapper to quickly released dead rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis. Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. It is highly recommended to unwrap the candy slowly before eating it as the candy has been stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without with being cleaned. A study in Spain showed that wrapped candy is more contaminated then public toilets i.e full of germs and bacteria. So opening them quickly is advised before putting them into the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
THESE STORIES ARE NOT TRUE!!!
But, How Many of You Can Resist The Urge to Really Believe These Stories Might Be True? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
1. Re: Get Ready:
In a few weeks, church directories will be released to telemarketing companies and you may start to receive sales calls. Call this number from your phone 888-382-1222. Doing so will add your phone number to the national "Do Not Call" list. It should block your number from telemarketing calls for 5 years.
2. Subject: FW: Please Read!!! This could save your life!!!
This is not a joke and is pretty gross. If you are faint of heart or stomach don't look at funeralpotatoes.jpg This is why you should never mess with a funeral potato casserole! Warning the picture is pretty gross, it's what's left of one of the casserole! The following pictures are of the casserole dish after five active LDS family members attacked it for Sunday dinner. The casserole was in a 9X13 dish, with corn flakes sprinkled on top and potato stuck and burned to the side. Think about it. This thing could have served twelve people of normal size, but…
3. Re: Fw: And you thought the funeral casserole was bad!!!
Three women in Utah turned up at three different hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms: Inability to concentrate, an overwhelming desire to spend money, followed by speeding, rudeness in a crowd and finally, death. There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed no toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Scrapbooking Store within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail. The big break came when one of the employees at the store was rushed to the hospital with the same symptoms... She told doctors that while she was at work, each of the above-mentioned ladies had insisted the employee look at photos of the other women’s dead ancestors to which the employee suddenly became dizzy. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but continued to look at the ancestor’s pictures. That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove to the hospitals and looked at the pictures of the ill ladies’ ancestors as well. Investigators finally concluded that looking at photos of dead ancestors can be very hazardous to your health and even cause death. It is now believed that people from all over the country are susceptible to this disease. Please, before looking at any pictures of dead ancestors, make the decision to not look at them for too long. It could save your life! And please pass this on to everyone you care about.
4. Subject: FW: Wrapped candy anyone?
Charming........
This incident happened recently in Utah.
A woman went to church on Sunday and took with her some wrapped candies with her. On Monday she was taken into ICU and on Wednesday she died. The autopsy revealed a certain Leptospirosis was caused by trying to eat the wrapped candy during Sacrament Meeting. A test showed that unwrapping the candy wrapper to quickly released dead rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis. Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. It is highly recommended to unwrap the candy slowly before eating it as the candy has been stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without with being cleaned. A study in Spain showed that wrapped candy is more contaminated then public toilets i.e full of germs and bacteria. So opening them quickly is advised before putting them into the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident.
Friday, April 29, 2005
SCARY BREAKING NEWS: LDS STATEMENTS THAT ACTUALLY CONFUSE AND/OR SCARE NON-LDS PEOPLE
LDS Statements That Actually Confuse and/or Scare non LDS People
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
"Meet us at the stake. We’re having a fireside.”
“How would you like to help us do work for the dead?”
“My Ward is filled with so many crazy brothers and sisters.”
“It’s not easy for the Ward clerk to keep up with of all of them”
“But some brothers and sisters choose to go to the Institute instead of the Ward, so that helps.”
“Others prefer to attend the stake.”
“While others meet at a branch.”
“Fast offerings sometimes come in slowly but sure do help a lot of people.”
“Not obeying the Word of Wisdom could kill you.”
“Everyone knows... the best fire insurance policy to have is to pay your tithing!”
Thursday, April 28, 2005
ACID-FREE BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO BE A SCRAPBOOKIER
Signs You Weren’t Meant to be a Scrapbooker:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The one time you did try scrapbooking, you used super glue instead of acid-free glue.
When it comes to scrapbooking, you can’t recall having enough fond memories.
You thought a die-cut was a type of hairstyle.
You’re afraid that your descendants will look back at your scrapbook and wonder what your I.Q. was.
Every time you think about scrapbooking, you break out in hives.
All you have to show for the years and years that you’ve thought about scrapbooking, is a drawer filled with under-developed film.
Your idea of scrapbooking is that someone someday will put together all of the historical papers you’ve saved… long after you’ve passed on.
You suffer from binderaphobia: the fear of opening the three rings of the binder.
You refuse to ever be accused of out-gassing anyone. (Out-gassing is a scrapbooking term used to define the gases emitted by some scrapbooking materials).
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The one time you did try scrapbooking, you used super glue instead of acid-free glue.
When it comes to scrapbooking, you can’t recall having enough fond memories.
You thought a die-cut was a type of hairstyle.
You’re afraid that your descendants will look back at your scrapbook and wonder what your I.Q. was.
Every time you think about scrapbooking, you break out in hives.
All you have to show for the years and years that you’ve thought about scrapbooking, is a drawer filled with under-developed film.
Your idea of scrapbooking is that someone someday will put together all of the historical papers you’ve saved… long after you’ve passed on.
You suffer from binderaphobia: the fear of opening the three rings of the binder.
You refuse to ever be accused of out-gassing anyone. (Out-gassing is a scrapbooking term used to define the gases emitted by some scrapbooking materials).
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
COMEDY CENTRAL BREAKING NEWS: LDS JOKES
LDS JOKES:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
What do you call a Primary child who’s been gagged and handcuffed?
Reverent.
What does it mean when a LDS home is void of chocolate?
It’s time to go out and buy more.
Why do only 10% of Mormons sing in church?
Because if they all did, it wouldn’t be called singing.
Why do Mormon men and women marry?
Because there must be opposition in all things.
How is a Relief Society sister like Jello?
She’s sweet, her life is colorful and the longer she sits the thicker around the middle she gets.
How does a High Priest exercise his biceps?
By holding his head up while sleeping in church.
What does every worthy young Mormon man hope to get out of a service project?
Food.
How do Mormons plan for the future?
By purchasing two cases of Coke instead of one.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
STICKY BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS BUMPER STICKERS
MoSt PoPuLaR LdS BuMpEr StIcKeRs!!!
(By BeTtYaNnE BrUiN)
I’m FaStiNg ToDaY, tHeReFoRe I’m iRriTabLe!
HoNk AnD wAkE uP aNoThEr HiGh PriEsT!
My AnCeStOrS aRe WaY uGliEr ThAn YoUr aNcesToRs!
So MaNy BaSkEtBaLL gAmEs, sO fEw aTtOrNeYs!
SoMeWhErE iN tHe ChUrCh, aNoThEr ScOuTmAsTeR iS qUiTtiNg!
I’vE gOt nOtHiNg AgAiNsT sCrApBoOkiNg, iT’s pErSoNaL hiStOriEs I cAn’T sTaNd!
SaVe A cHaPeL sEaT, oFfEnD aLL tHe oThEr WaRd mEmBeRs!
KeEp CaLLiNg Me aBoUt ThE mAgAziNe DriVe, I’m ReLoAdiNg!
PrOuD pArEnT oF a VeRy oBnOxiOuS PriMaRy cHiLd!
HoW’s mY dRiViNg? CaLL 1-800-WoN't- eVeR-Be-LaTe-T0-ChUrCh-aGaiN!
HuRrY aNd sAy tHe PrAyEr, ThErE’s PeOpLe StArViNg at this table!
My OtHeR cAr iS a sChOoL bUs!
(By BeTtYaNnE BrUiN)
I’m FaStiNg ToDaY, tHeReFoRe I’m iRriTabLe!
HoNk AnD wAkE uP aNoThEr HiGh PriEsT!
My AnCeStOrS aRe WaY uGliEr ThAn YoUr aNcesToRs!
So MaNy BaSkEtBaLL gAmEs, sO fEw aTtOrNeYs!
SoMeWhErE iN tHe ChUrCh, aNoThEr ScOuTmAsTeR iS qUiTtiNg!
I’vE gOt nOtHiNg AgAiNsT sCrApBoOkiNg, iT’s pErSoNaL hiStOriEs I cAn’T sTaNd!
SaVe A cHaPeL sEaT, oFfEnD aLL tHe oThEr WaRd mEmBeRs!
KeEp CaLLiNg Me aBoUt ThE mAgAziNe DriVe, I’m ReLoAdiNg!
PrOuD pArEnT oF a VeRy oBnOxiOuS PriMaRy cHiLd!
HoW’s mY dRiViNg? CaLL 1-800-WoN't- eVeR-Be-LaTe-T0-ChUrCh-aGaiN!
HuRrY aNd sAy tHe PrAyEr, ThErE’s PeOpLe StArViNg at this table!
My OtHeR cAr iS a sChOoL bUs!
Monday, April 25, 2005
STAKE BREAKING NEWS: THINGS OVERHEARD AT A LDS STAKE CONFERENCE!!!
TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT A LDS STAKE CONFERENCE!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
What month did you say this meeting's going to be over?
How many times do I have to tell you, turn down the volume of that palm-TV!
No. That was the tenth time you’ve trampled over the Jensen’s to get a drink, now no more drinks.
Do not flash your hand mirror at the speakers again.
Okay, you can play that dot to dot game … but stop shouting every time you win.
Quit giving our Lifesavers out to the whole row. Just politely lean over and whishper for them to bring their own.
Okay, you can write notes, but no, you can’t make paper airplanes out of them and shoot them to deliver them.
Yes, this meeting feels like it’s ten hours long, but I promise you, I’m not lying, it’s only two.
The floor around our chairs is beginning to look like the floor of a movie theater.
I said you could play cards, but I thought you meant Old Maid, not poker.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
What month did you say this meeting's going to be over?
How many times do I have to tell you, turn down the volume of that palm-TV!
No. That was the tenth time you’ve trampled over the Jensen’s to get a drink, now no more drinks.
Do not flash your hand mirror at the speakers again.
Okay, you can play that dot to dot game … but stop shouting every time you win.
Quit giving our Lifesavers out to the whole row. Just politely lean over and whishper for them to bring their own.
Okay, you can write notes, but no, you can’t make paper airplanes out of them and shoot them to deliver them.
Yes, this meeting feels like it’s ten hours long, but I promise you, I’m not lying, it’s only two.
The floor around our chairs is beginning to look like the floor of a movie theater.
I said you could play cards, but I thought you meant Old Maid, not poker.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
MORE IRRITATING BREAKING NEWS: WHAT MAKES A MORMON FURIOUS!!!
What Makes a Mormon FURIOUS!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - For a Mormon to ever be served Pepsi instead of Coke or Coke instead of Pepsi.
2 - For a Mormon to ever hear anything derogatory said about Steve Young.
3- If an all-you-can eat buffet ever runs out of food right before it’s a Mormon’s turn to be served, especially if it’s something the Mormon loves or is a very expensive food item.
4 - Another Mormon who’s being very rude, especially a rude Mormon attending or playing in a church basketball game.
5 - If a Mormon ever bites into any type of stale chocolate.
6 - If a Mormon ever has to deal with lots of red lights or cops while racing to church to avoid being late.
7 - If a Mormon ever finds weevils in a very expensive, well-stored tub of wheat.
8 - If a Mormon accidentally shows up a day early for a service project.
5 - If a Mormon ever bites into any type of stale chocolate.
6 - If a Mormon ever has to deal with lots of red lights or cops while racing to church to avoid being late.
7 - If a Mormon ever finds weevils in a very expensive, well-stored tub of wheat.
8 - If a Mormon accidentally shows up a day early for a service project.
9 - If a Mormon ever has to experience any type of delay following the three hour block on Fast Sunday.
10 - If a Mormon ever discovers, after spending years locating all of their ancestors, that the research they’ve done is all wrong.
11 - If another Mormon ever convinces a Mormon that the end of the world is around the corner and that that Mormon should spend thousands of dollars on end-of-the-world products, and then after spending all of that money, the Mormon finds out that the doomsday Mormon is wrong.
10 - If a Mormon ever discovers, after spending years locating all of their ancestors, that the research they’ve done is all wrong.
11 - If another Mormon ever convinces a Mormon that the end of the world is around the corner and that that Mormon should spend thousands of dollars on end-of-the-world products, and then after spending all of that money, the Mormon finds out that the doomsday Mormon is wrong.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
IRRITATING BREAKING NEWS: WHY MORMONS SOMETIMES GET MAD
WHY MORMONS SOMETIMES GET MAD
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Maybe it’s because:
They’re encouraged to always smile.
They must love their neighbors,
even when their neighbors are cruel to them.
Mormons must be honest, even if it means returning the 100,000
dollars cash they found in the desert.
They’re not supposed to ever swear, even if someone cuts them off on
the freeway for the fifth time in one day.
They’re not supposed to ever get angry, not even at telemarketers who
will not quit calling their home.
They can’t ever watch sports on Sunday, unless their son is playing or
Marie Osmond is singing the National Anthem.
They’re never supposed to overeat, especially at a Ward dinner where
there’s not enough food to go around. And if a person at the front of
the line does take enough food to feed a football team, they’re not
supposed to swear at that person or drink their sorrows away. They
can’t even be honest and say the person is nothing but a big pig or get
angry at the world and say they’re not going to take it any more. No,
no, no, they must always smile, no matter what.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Maybe it’s because:
They’re encouraged to always smile.
They must love their neighbors,
even when their neighbors are cruel to them.
Mormons must be honest, even if it means returning the 100,000
dollars cash they found in the desert.
They’re not supposed to ever swear, even if someone cuts them off on
the freeway for the fifth time in one day.
They’re not supposed to ever get angry, not even at telemarketers who
will not quit calling their home.
They can’t ever watch sports on Sunday, unless their son is playing or
Marie Osmond is singing the National Anthem.
They’re never supposed to overeat, especially at a Ward dinner where
there’s not enough food to go around. And if a person at the front of
the line does take enough food to feed a football team, they’re not
supposed to swear at that person or drink their sorrows away. They
can’t even be honest and say the person is nothing but a big pig or get
angry at the world and say they’re not going to take it any more. No,
no, no, they must always smile, no matter what.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
EARTH-SHATTERING BREAKING NEWS: ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FOUND!!!!
ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FINALLY UNCOVERED:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Ancient Breaking News:
Domestic Violence Outbreak
Domestic Violence Outbreak
Again Strikes The Lehi Family Household
Man Who Built Animal-filled Boat
Man Who Built Animal-filled Boat
Confesses To Floodings
Wife of Little Man Stuck in Whale's Mouth
Wife of Little Man Stuck in Whale's Mouth
Claims This Was Just Another Fish Story
Moses Finally Admits:
Moses Finally Admits:
He Only Meant to Move The Red Sea
Over a Few Inches
Daniel Offers Suggestions
Daniel Offers Suggestions
on Lion’s Den Etiquette
Goliath Claims David Stalked Him
Goliath Claims David Stalked Him
Days Prior to Stoning
Cain Slays Abel Only Days After
Cain Slays Abel Only Days After
Trying to Settle Sibling Dispute
on Jerry Springer Show
Dave Blackwell Votes Joseph Worst-Dressed,
Dave Blackwell Votes Joseph Worst-Dressed,
Says Coat Is a Definite Stylish No-No
John the Revelator Claims To Have Found
John the Revelator Claims To Have Found
the Fountain of Youth
Sarah Confesses to Being
Sarah Confesses to Being
The Original Old Lady Who Lived In a Shoe
Monday, April 18, 2005
WORLDWIDE BREAKING NEWS: THE TEN MAIN REASONS WHY WE CAME TO EARTH
THE TEN MAIN REASONS WHY
WE CAME TO EARTH ARE:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. To get a body.
2. To receive ordinances.
3. To be tested.
4. To see if you can be strong enough
to never purchase anything advertised on an infomercial.
5. To work hard to learn algebra
and then never use it.
6. To sing, "The Happy Birthday Song,"
too many times per year,
year after year after year.
7. To taste liver once per decade
and then question,
again,
why anyone would ever want to eat it.
8. To buy lots and lots of Girl Scout cookies.
9. Out of all of the birds in the sky,
to see if one will eventually send you
a “dropping.”
10. To spend a total of three days of your life
being placed "on hold."
Friday, April 15, 2005
ENTERTAINING BREAKING NEWS: IF THE PIONEERS HAD TELEVISION
IF THE PIONEERS HAD TELEVISION,
THESE SHOWS WOULD BE THE BIGGEST HITS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Desperate Pioneers
Pioneer Idols
F-S-I: Farm Scene Investigation
Pioneer's Anatomy
60 Moments
What’s My Clothes Line?
This Old Cabin
Everybody Loves Pioneers
Pioneer Apprentice
Extreme Makeover: Cabin Edition
Who Wants to be a Pioneer?
Saw & Odor
Good Morning Pioneers
Thursday, April 14, 2005
POPULAR BREAKING NEWS: THE LATEST IN LDS PIONEER FADS
THE LATEST IN LDS PIONEER FADS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Pioneer Reality Show:
Peek in this cabin and watch a show that is very much live and very much too real. In fact this show is so real that the people in this cabin really are praying to survive. See the real family roll out of their bedrolls into authentic freezing morning air as the sunrises, hunt meat for meals, work on the farm all day and experience the ins and outs of every pioneer mood. See who gets kicked out, who stays and who will survive.
Pioneer iPods
Enjoy this pioneer family that will come to your farmhouse or campfire and switch from singing one song to another at a moments notice any time anywhere. No more waiting for what song to sing next, this family is intantly ready to sing all of your individual or family favorites!
Pimp My Wagon
Designer wagons are all the craze and no one’s wagon is more bling bling than the one that just busted through town all hyped up and filled with them leather fixin’s and fancy rolled up shades to provide the finest in air conditionin’. Yee-ha, this ride will really impress your lassie!
Fantasy Buzz Saw Toy Leagues:
Every dedicated Buzz Saw Toy fan must take part in this new craze. Pick your favorite: Will brother beat Grandfather as they twill the string with the button in the middle tightly and make that baby twirl? Or will it be neighbor against Sheriff? Vote for your favorite player now and see which seed gets eliminated first as this game completely takes over your town.
Low Rise Bloomers or Britches:
Um, like, wow, man, these bloomers or britches ride so low on your hips that they appear ready to fall off.
Flags on Wagons:
Is your cause horse cruelty, more corn or less wagon traffic? Whatever the case, wave the flag of your choice from the front, side or back of the wagon and let your town know what is currently the bee in your bonnet.
Low Honey Diets
Farm study after farm study suggests honey has been determined to be too gooey, too sticky and virtually distasteful, and may even be harmful to your health. Join the craze to eat less honey and experience the benefits of a physically and mentally healthier you.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Pioneer Reality Show:
Peek in this cabin and watch a show that is very much live and very much too real. In fact this show is so real that the people in this cabin really are praying to survive. See the real family roll out of their bedrolls into authentic freezing morning air as the sunrises, hunt meat for meals, work on the farm all day and experience the ins and outs of every pioneer mood. See who gets kicked out, who stays and who will survive.
Pioneer iPods
Enjoy this pioneer family that will come to your farmhouse or campfire and switch from singing one song to another at a moments notice any time anywhere. No more waiting for what song to sing next, this family is intantly ready to sing all of your individual or family favorites!
Pimp My Wagon
Designer wagons are all the craze and no one’s wagon is more bling bling than the one that just busted through town all hyped up and filled with them leather fixin’s and fancy rolled up shades to provide the finest in air conditionin’. Yee-ha, this ride will really impress your lassie!
Fantasy Buzz Saw Toy Leagues:
Every dedicated Buzz Saw Toy fan must take part in this new craze. Pick your favorite: Will brother beat Grandfather as they twill the string with the button in the middle tightly and make that baby twirl? Or will it be neighbor against Sheriff? Vote for your favorite player now and see which seed gets eliminated first as this game completely takes over your town.
Low Rise Bloomers or Britches:
Um, like, wow, man, these bloomers or britches ride so low on your hips that they appear ready to fall off.
Flags on Wagons:
Is your cause horse cruelty, more corn or less wagon traffic? Whatever the case, wave the flag of your choice from the front, side or back of the wagon and let your town know what is currently the bee in your bonnet.
Low Honey Diets
Farm study after farm study suggests honey has been determined to be too gooey, too sticky and virtually distasteful, and may even be harmful to your health. Join the craze to eat less honey and experience the benefits of a physically and mentally healthier you.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
HISTORICAL BREAKING NEWS: EVERYTHING I LEARNED ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED WHILE DOING GENEALOGY
EVERYTHING I LEARNED
ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED
WHILE DOING MY GENEAOLOGY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Dead people are a lot harder to find than living people.
2. Reading old documents for hours on end with no results can make a person go crazy.
3. There is no such thing as a cute ancestor.
4. Most living relatives are no help at all when it comes to finding lost ancestors.
5. People who do not do their genealogy believe there’s something wrong with people who do their genealogy.
6. People who do their genealogy think there’s something wrong with people who do not do their genealogy
7. It can be very upsetting to work for years to find a lost ancestor only to find their name listed on the roll of an insane asylum.
8. The longer a person is dead, the harder it is to find that person.
9. It’s not easy to find out your great great grandparents were first cousins.
10. Upon discovering a photograph of a lost ancestor, the thought can be quite disturbing that your looks might come from that same gene pool.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS BOYS AND GIRLS NAMES FINALLY UNCOVERED
JuSt In:
MoSt PoPuLaR LDs BoY’s NaMeS:
1 - UtAhViNsKy
2 - eLdErVeRL
3 - ScOuToNaThAn
4 - StRiPLiNGiToN
5 - BYUaNdY 0r UofUdoo
MoSt PoPuLaR LDs GiRl’s NaMeS:
1 - CeLeStiALaNniE
2 - Jell-OlynnN
3 - ChOcOLativineSs
4 - KaRiCoKeLyNn
5 - ScRaPbOoKaNeLia
MoSt PoPuLaR LDs BoY’s NaMeS:
1 - UtAhViNsKy
2 - eLdErVeRL
3 - ScOuToNaThAn
4 - StRiPLiNGiToN
5 - BYUaNdY 0r UofUdoo
MoSt PoPuLaR LDs GiRl’s NaMeS:
1 - CeLeStiALaNniE
2 - Jell-OlynnN
3 - ChOcOLativineSs
4 - KaRiCoKeLyNn
5 - ScRaPbOoKaNeLia
Friday, April 08, 2005
SCARY BREAKING NEWS: RESEARCH FINALLY IN FOR THE MOST POPULAR LDS PHOBIAS!!!!
THE MOST POPULAR LDS PHOBIAS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WordofWisdomaphobia: Fear that after all the tests you've passed here on Earth that drinking caffeine really will keep you out of the Celestial Kingdom.
BadEarthquakeTimingaphobia: Fear of having an earthquake happen while watching an “R” rated movie and having your picture appear on the front page of the newspaper while rescuers attempt to save you from the R-rated theater movie seat you’re sitting in.
Nurseryaphobia: Fear of being called as the next Ward Nursery leader or the fear of never ever being released as the current Ward Nursery leader.
Idahoaphobia: Fear of running out of gas while on your way to Idaho to buy a lottery ticket and being picked up by a fellow member of your Ward.
Scoutmasteraphobia: Fear of being called as the next Ward Scoutmaster or the fear that you are currently serving as the Ward Scoutmaster or the fear of never being released as the Ward Scoutmaster or all of the above.
GroceryStoreaphobia: Fear of having one of your most conservative but nosiest Ward members witness you buying cooking sherry.
Missionaryaphobia: Fear that one of your nonmember friends will find out that you really did arrange for the missionaries to contact them.
HavingAllOfYourSinsBeMadeKnown
InTheNextLifeaphobia: Fear of what it will feel like to have a full, complete and clear recollection of everyone of your sins down to the pencils you've stolen, the people you cut off on the freeway, the telemarkets you hung up on...every single painful one of them!
LastDays/SignsOfTheTimesExpertaphobia: Fear of those who claim they know when the last day on Earth will be here. Note: Authorities in the field of LastDays/SignsOfTheTimesExpertahopia claim this is a very good phobia to have.
FastSundayaphobia: Fear that not allowing enough food intact will cause you to suddenly die. Note: This phobia always leads to ObssessiveCompulsiveBinging disease.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WordofWisdomaphobia: Fear that after all the tests you've passed here on Earth that drinking caffeine really will keep you out of the Celestial Kingdom.
BadEarthquakeTimingaphobia: Fear of having an earthquake happen while watching an “R” rated movie and having your picture appear on the front page of the newspaper while rescuers attempt to save you from the R-rated theater movie seat you’re sitting in.
Nurseryaphobia: Fear of being called as the next Ward Nursery leader or the fear of never ever being released as the current Ward Nursery leader.
Idahoaphobia: Fear of running out of gas while on your way to Idaho to buy a lottery ticket and being picked up by a fellow member of your Ward.
Scoutmasteraphobia: Fear of being called as the next Ward Scoutmaster or the fear that you are currently serving as the Ward Scoutmaster or the fear of never being released as the Ward Scoutmaster or all of the above.
GroceryStoreaphobia: Fear of having one of your most conservative but nosiest Ward members witness you buying cooking sherry.
Missionaryaphobia: Fear that one of your nonmember friends will find out that you really did arrange for the missionaries to contact them.
HavingAllOfYourSinsBeMadeKnown
InTheNextLifeaphobia: Fear of what it will feel like to have a full, complete and clear recollection of everyone of your sins down to the pencils you've stolen, the people you cut off on the freeway, the telemarkets you hung up on...every single painful one of them!
LastDays/SignsOfTheTimesExpertaphobia: Fear of those who claim they know when the last day on Earth will be here. Note: Authorities in the field of LastDays/SignsOfTheTimesExpertahopia claim this is a very good phobia to have.
FastSundayaphobia: Fear that not allowing enough food intact will cause you to suddenly die. Note: This phobia always leads to ObssessiveCompulsiveBinging disease.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
First Day After The End of the World Breaking News:10 Most Common LDS Parent-isms
10 Most Common LDS Parent-isms
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If you think your life is hard, you should have been a pioneer!
Do you want everyone to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but you?
Is that Mountain Dew you’re drinking? This could lead you to a life of drugs, you know. Is this the kind of life you want to lead? Huh? A life of drugs?
I’m yelling at you because I care about you and I want you to go home to Heaven.
Be nice to your sister. You’re gonna have to spend forever with her, you know.
Do you wanna get an “F” when this Earthly test is over?
Why can't you count your blessings instead of being so miserable all of the time?
You are a child of God, now act like one.
Why can’t you ever wait? Job had to be patient. Why can’t you?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with Satan ‘cause that’s exactly what’s going to happen to you if you don’t quit acting this way!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If you think your life is hard, you should have been a pioneer!
Do you want everyone to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but you?
Is that Mountain Dew you’re drinking? This could lead you to a life of drugs, you know. Is this the kind of life you want to lead? Huh? A life of drugs?
I’m yelling at you because I care about you and I want you to go home to Heaven.
Be nice to your sister. You’re gonna have to spend forever with her, you know.
Do you wanna get an “F” when this Earthly test is over?
Why can't you count your blessings instead of being so miserable all of the time?
You are a child of God, now act like one.
Why can’t you ever wait? Job had to be patient. Why can’t you?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with Satan ‘cause that’s exactly what’s going to happen to you if you don’t quit acting this way!
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Archaeological Breaking News: ANCIENT LDS PROVERBS UNCOVERED
ANCIENT LDS PROVERBS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
He who blurts out the loudest Amen, gets the biggest stares.
‘Tis better to hide your talents than to be called as the next Scoutmaster.
Let sleeping High Councilmen lie.
Give a casserole, never receive the casserole dish back.
It takes a lot of energy to do genealogy. Ancestors were not all born in a day.
A LDS mother's SUV is her castle
When it comes to being asked to be the next Den leader, dishonesty is the best policy.
Scouts should be seen and not heard.
If a basketball player offends once, shame on him; if he offends twice, take him down and slam him.
He who is a home teacher should never expect his home teaching to be done.
Relief Society sisters could not be everything, that's why they invented Prozac.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
He who blurts out the loudest Amen, gets the biggest stares.
‘Tis better to hide your talents than to be called as the next Scoutmaster.
Let sleeping High Councilmen lie.
Give a casserole, never receive the casserole dish back.
It takes a lot of energy to do genealogy. Ancestors were not all born in a day.
A LDS mother's SUV is her castle
When it comes to being asked to be the next Den leader, dishonesty is the best policy.
Scouts should be seen and not heard.
If a basketball player offends once, shame on him; if he offends twice, take him down and slam him.
He who is a home teacher should never expect his home teaching to be done.
Relief Society sisters could not be everything, that's why they invented Prozac.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Twas Breaking News: 'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CONFERENCE
'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CONFERENCE!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
(Dedicated to K and R)
'Twas the day after Conference and all through the church,
every member was pondering heavy words of soul search;
I’m sure each house still reflected the party held there,
As people ate and slept while listening to Conference with care;
No longer was everyone all nestled around,
With visions of Heaven bouncing up and down;
Now Ma was in her workout suit, and I in my cap,
were wondering what to do next with our "updated map"
On how to get to Heaven amidst all this clatter,
with everyone thinking that something’s the matter.
It’s not time to bicker about this, that or bash,
but time to buckle down and step up our dash.
But then, later, amidst all of these things that I know,
about setting goals and committing to Heaven to go,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a tiny little ad for Wendover so near,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, we could go there and pick
just a few winning numbers on a table or slot,
So, without thought I called all of my fellow buddies lot;
"Now, Bud! now, Tim! now, Ed and John!
Come on, Rick! and Steve! and Bill and Don!
To the front of bus! And to the back of the bus!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away us!"
With dry sand along I-80, the bus it did fly,
Every obstacle we met, we quickly passed by,
And, before we knew it, out to the casino we flew,
With our wallets of money, diet Coke and chips too.
And then, in a twinkling, we heard at the door
The prancing and pawing of our companions galore.
Quickly, we drew in our card-filled hands, then 'round,
In the door they all came with a major PMS bound.
They weren’t dressed in fur, from their heads to their feet,
Oh no, they were all tarnished with an attitude complete!
A bundle of ideas they now had on their mind,
As they looked at us all with looks very unkind.
Their eyes did not twinkle! Their dimples were not merry!
Their cheeks were like roses, their nostrils flaring like cherry!
Their seething little mouths were turned down like a crow,
And the scowls on their faces... they really did show!
The flecks from some chocolate were still stuck in their teeth,
And the smell from it all encircled our heads like a wreath;
Their broad little faces and little round bellies,
Did not shake at all and we said, “Oh nellies!!!”
Some of them were chubby and plump, some were thin of self,
But we did not laugh when we saw them…because of our self;
The glare in their eyes and the twist of each head,
Soon told us to know we had big things to dread;
We spoke not a word, but went straight to our work,
Laying down our cards; we all turned with a jerk.
We picked up our money as we sheepishly rose,
Gave the dealer a nod, and out the door now we chose;
We sprang to the cars, to our team, gave no whistle,
But flew out of town like the down of a thistle.
But, we heard each wife exclaim, 'ere we drove out of sight,”
WILL THESE MEN EVER, EVER LEARN TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT?"
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
(Dedicated to K and R)
'Twas the day after Conference and all through the church,
every member was pondering heavy words of soul search;
I’m sure each house still reflected the party held there,
As people ate and slept while listening to Conference with care;
No longer was everyone all nestled around,
With visions of Heaven bouncing up and down;
Now Ma was in her workout suit, and I in my cap,
were wondering what to do next with our "updated map"
On how to get to Heaven amidst all this clatter,
with everyone thinking that something’s the matter.
It’s not time to bicker about this, that or bash,
but time to buckle down and step up our dash.
But then, later, amidst all of these things that I know,
about setting goals and committing to Heaven to go,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a tiny little ad for Wendover so near,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, we could go there and pick
just a few winning numbers on a table or slot,
So, without thought I called all of my fellow buddies lot;
"Now, Bud! now, Tim! now, Ed and John!
Come on, Rick! and Steve! and Bill and Don!
To the front of bus! And to the back of the bus!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away us!"
With dry sand along I-80, the bus it did fly,
Every obstacle we met, we quickly passed by,
And, before we knew it, out to the casino we flew,
With our wallets of money, diet Coke and chips too.
And then, in a twinkling, we heard at the door
The prancing and pawing of our companions galore.
Quickly, we drew in our card-filled hands, then 'round,
In the door they all came with a major PMS bound.
They weren’t dressed in fur, from their heads to their feet,
Oh no, they were all tarnished with an attitude complete!
A bundle of ideas they now had on their mind,
As they looked at us all with looks very unkind.
Their eyes did not twinkle! Their dimples were not merry!
Their cheeks were like roses, their nostrils flaring like cherry!
Their seething little mouths were turned down like a crow,
And the scowls on their faces... they really did show!
The flecks from some chocolate were still stuck in their teeth,
And the smell from it all encircled our heads like a wreath;
Their broad little faces and little round bellies,
Did not shake at all and we said, “Oh nellies!!!”
Some of them were chubby and plump, some were thin of self,
But we did not laugh when we saw them…because of our self;
The glare in their eyes and the twist of each head,
Soon told us to know we had big things to dread;
We spoke not a word, but went straight to our work,
Laying down our cards; we all turned with a jerk.
We picked up our money as we sheepishly rose,
Gave the dealer a nod, and out the door now we chose;
We sprang to the cars, to our team, gave no whistle,
But flew out of town like the down of a thistle.
But, we heard each wife exclaim, 'ere we drove out of sight,”
WILL THESE MEN EVER, EVER LEARN TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT?"
Thursday, March 31, 2005
NEWLY DISCOVERED BREAKING NEWS: DON'T MISS THIS: OTHER SIGNS OF THE LAST DAYS DISCOVERED BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!!
“OTHER” SIGNS OF THE TIMES!!!
FINALLY UNCOVERED!!!!
1. The CTR ring will be changed from the CTR ring to the CTPCTTDBIYDTACLUWCAY ring (or, in other words, the Choose The Politically Correct Thing To Do Or The A.C.L.U. Will Come After You ring).
2. Rivers, lakes and streams will flow with rich milk chocolate, but it will be totally nonconsumable because of contamination from totally radio-active hazardous waste material.
3. BYU will be renamed The U. of U. and The U. of U. will renamed BYU.
4. A ninth verse will be added to “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief.”
5. The fiftieth volume of The Work and the Glory will be published.
6. Popcorn will pop from the apricot trees.
7. So many members of the church will want to work in the nursery that a waiting list program will be initiated.
8. The country of Iraq will lead the world in scrap-booking.
9. The ten tribes of Israel will compete against each other in the Olympics.
10. One hundred percent home teaching will prevail upon the Earth.
“OTHER” SIGNS OF THE TIMES!!!
FINALLY UNCOVERED!!!!
1. The CTR ring will be changed from the CTR ring to the CTPCTTDBIYDTACLUWCAY ring (or, in other words, the Choose The Politically Correct Thing To Do Or The A.C.L.U. Will Come After You ring).
2. Rivers, lakes and streams will flow with rich milk chocolate, but it will be totally nonconsumable because of contamination from totally radio-active hazardous waste material.
3. BYU will be renamed The U. of U. and The U. of U. will renamed BYU.
4. A ninth verse will be added to “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief.”
5. The fiftieth volume of The Work and the Glory will be published.
6. Popcorn will pop from the apricot trees.
7. So many members of the church will want to work in the nursery that a waiting list program will be initiated.
8. The country of Iraq will lead the world in scrap-booking.
9. The ten tribes of Israel will compete against each other in the Olympics.
10. One hundred percent home teaching will prevail upon the Earth.
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