BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!!
“OTHER” SIGNS OF THE TIMES!!!
FINALLY UNCOVERED!!!!
1. The CTR ring will be changed from the CTR ring to the CTPCTTDBIYDTACLUWCAY ring (or, in other words, the Choose The Politically Correct Thing To Do Or The A.C.L.U. Will Come After You ring).
2. Rivers, lakes and streams will flow with rich milk chocolate, but it will be totally nonconsumable because of contamination from totally radio-active hazardous waste material.
3. BYU will be renamed The U. of U. and The U. of U. will renamed BYU.
4. A ninth verse will be added to “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief.”
5. The fiftieth volume of The Work and the Glory will be published.
6. Popcorn will pop from the apricot trees.
7. So many members of the church will want to work in the nursery that a waiting list program will be initiated.
8. The country of Iraq will lead the world in scrap-booking.
9. The ten tribes of Israel will compete against each other in the Olympics.
10. One hundred percent home teaching will prevail upon the Earth.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
EVOLUTIONARY BREAKING NEWS: What Really Happens to a LDS Family While Watching General Conference!!!
WHAT REALLY HAPPENS TO A LDS FAMILY WHILE WATCHING GENERAL CONFERENCE:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. A family humbly gathers. Father gleefully turns on television while Mother tenderly quiets the children. Two teenagers patiently sit on the couch.
2. Conference begins. Everyone in the room listens as all of the saints of the LDS Church are welcomed to another wonderful and glorious session of conference.
3. Mother and Father enthusiastically sing the opening song while the children begin to ask when they can have their first treat. One teenager kicks one of the children to silence the child while the other teenager kicks the teenager just because.
4. The first talk begins. Father dozes while Mother attentively takes notes. Intense squabbling begins amongst all of the children as they become equally irritating to each other. Mother turns up the television volume, to which Father wakes up unhappy, forgetting that Conference is even on.
5. Father reprimands one of the teenager’s who is now unraveling a crocheted afghan, made by Father’s Grandmother. The children cry so loud for treats that Mother can no longer take notes.
6. Meanwhile, the Conference speaker speaks about love in the home, but no one hears the speaker because of so many disractions.
7. This process repeats itself four or five times within a two-hour time frame.
8. And then Conference is over.
9. The family waits for the next session to begin.
10. A family humbly gathers. Father gleefully turns on television while Mother tenderly quiets the children. Two teenagers patiently sit on the couch...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. A family humbly gathers. Father gleefully turns on television while Mother tenderly quiets the children. Two teenagers patiently sit on the couch.
2. Conference begins. Everyone in the room listens as all of the saints of the LDS Church are welcomed to another wonderful and glorious session of conference.
3. Mother and Father enthusiastically sing the opening song while the children begin to ask when they can have their first treat. One teenager kicks one of the children to silence the child while the other teenager kicks the teenager just because.
4. The first talk begins. Father dozes while Mother attentively takes notes. Intense squabbling begins amongst all of the children as they become equally irritating to each other. Mother turns up the television volume, to which Father wakes up unhappy, forgetting that Conference is even on.
5. Father reprimands one of the teenager’s who is now unraveling a crocheted afghan, made by Father’s Grandmother. The children cry so loud for treats that Mother can no longer take notes.
6. Meanwhile, the Conference speaker speaks about love in the home, but no one hears the speaker because of so many disractions.
7. This process repeats itself four or five times within a two-hour time frame.
8. And then Conference is over.
9. The family waits for the next session to begin.
10. A family humbly gathers. Father gleefully turns on television while Mother tenderly quiets the children. Two teenagers patiently sit on the couch...
Monday, March 28, 2005
5 MORE DAYS BREAKING NEWS: CONFERENCE WEEKEND IS FINALLY HERE!!!
Yipee! General Conference Weekend is Almost Here!!!
And what Do We Like Most about General Conference Weekend?
1- We get to listen to all of the General Authorities speak!
2 – We get to watch church in our pajamas!
3- We do not have to prepare a lesson!
4- We can finally sleep laying down!
5 – We can flip back and forth between church talks and exciting sporting events!
6 – We can listen to the church talks on headphones while cleaning out the garage or closets!
7 – We can verbalize how we feel about the talks as we listen to them!
8 – We can visit on the phone with old friends and acquaintances while listening to General Conference!
9 – We can play Bingo with the General Authorities, crossing out the name of each one as they speak!
10 – We can go on a two-day vacation and read about General Conference later in the Ensign!
And what Do We Like Most about General Conference Weekend?
1- We get to listen to all of the General Authorities speak!
2 – We get to watch church in our pajamas!
3- We do not have to prepare a lesson!
4- We can finally sleep laying down!
5 – We can flip back and forth between church talks and exciting sporting events!
6 – We can listen to the church talks on headphones while cleaning out the garage or closets!
7 – We can verbalize how we feel about the talks as we listen to them!
8 – We can visit on the phone with old friends and acquaintances while listening to General Conference!
9 – We can play Bingo with the General Authorities, crossing out the name of each one as they speak!
10 – We can go on a two-day vacation and read about General Conference later in the Ensign!
Friday, March 25, 2005
LEADING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS EVERY CHORISTER HOPES TO FIND IN HEAVEN
TOP TEN THINGS EVERY CHORISTER
HOPES TO FIND IN HEAVEN
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A chapel filled with everyone singing on key.
No one ever blurting a note out early.
No one singing too soft or too loud.
Hymn book page numbers that never fall off the wall rack.
A music stand that never slips down.
Clothes that never have holes in the underarms.
Enough time to sing every verse of a song (including “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief”).
To never get laryngitis.
Other choristers.
An accompanist named Beethoven.
(The answer to yesterday's blog was #2)
Thursday, March 24, 2005
APPROPRIATE BREAKING NEWS: 10 THINGS TO NEVER SAY OR DO WHILE GIVING A CHURCH
10 ThiNgS tO nEvEr SaY oR dO
wHiLe GiViNg A cHuRcH tAlK:
(bY bEtTyAnNe BrUiN)
1. Never ever chew gum while giving a church talk, especially if that talk is the bearing of your testimony on Fast Sunday.
2. Never say in your church talk that you have just heard by way of radio on your way to church that the Second Coming is finally here.
3. Never mention in your church talk the horrific crime you once committed that you are grateful you’ve finally been forgiven for.
4. Never mention in your talk church the names of other Ward member you are proud of because they’ve just about kicked their drinking problem.
5. Never say in your church talk that the only way you can really express your testimony is to compare your testimony to your favorite Country Western song, and then play that Country Western song CD to the audience to prove your point.
6. Never give a forty-minute church talk, then, for those in the audience who do not speak English, read your entire church talk over again in Spanish.
7. Never say in your church talk how blessed you are that the other day, when the police showed up just in time to escort your abusive husband out of the house, that peace was once again restored in your home.
8. Never give a church talk holding your sick, two-year-old toddler in your arms because you are too compassionate to leave him in the arms of anyone else.
9. Never confess in your church that you suddenly feel humbled enough to admit you’ve been committing a horrific and very offensive sin.
10. Never say in your church talk that, as a visual aid, you would like to now show the effects of sin -- and then take off your suitcoat and expose to the audience your brand new white church shirt that has been totally ripped up and dragged through so much dirt that it is now filthy dirty.
(Footnote: Nine of these stories are true. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out which one isn't. )
wHiLe GiViNg A cHuRcH tAlK:
(bY bEtTyAnNe BrUiN)
1. Never ever chew gum while giving a church talk, especially if that talk is the bearing of your testimony on Fast Sunday.
2. Never say in your church talk that you have just heard by way of radio on your way to church that the Second Coming is finally here.
3. Never mention in your church talk the horrific crime you once committed that you are grateful you’ve finally been forgiven for.
4. Never mention in your talk church the names of other Ward member you are proud of because they’ve just about kicked their drinking problem.
5. Never say in your church talk that the only way you can really express your testimony is to compare your testimony to your favorite Country Western song, and then play that Country Western song CD to the audience to prove your point.
6. Never give a forty-minute church talk, then, for those in the audience who do not speak English, read your entire church talk over again in Spanish.
7. Never say in your church talk how blessed you are that the other day, when the police showed up just in time to escort your abusive husband out of the house, that peace was once again restored in your home.
8. Never give a church talk holding your sick, two-year-old toddler in your arms because you are too compassionate to leave him in the arms of anyone else.
9. Never confess in your church that you suddenly feel humbled enough to admit you’ve been committing a horrific and very offensive sin.
10. Never say in your church talk that, as a visual aid, you would like to now show the effects of sin -- and then take off your suitcoat and expose to the audience your brand new white church shirt that has been totally ripped up and dragged through so much dirt that it is now filthy dirty.
(Footnote: Nine of these stories are true. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out which one isn't. )
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
FOREVER BREAKING NEWS: HOW TO FIND YOUR ANCESTORS!!!
FINALLY: HOW TO FIND YOUR ANCESTORS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If lately, you've been noticing that you have more time on your hands, you might be thinking now is the time to do your genealogy. For beginners, here are a few suggestions on how to find your ancestors:
1. For a period of about thirty years, off and on throughout these years, try, with minmal effort, to somehow locate or happen to come across a LDS pedigree chart, to record what, if any, records you do have. After trying, off and on, to locate this page, give up and do something that will actually be worth more than searching for a piece of paper with increasing blank lines begging you to record information you might spend the rest of your life searching for only to find the information no longer exists.
2. Ten years later, after accidentally catching sight of a yellowed, dog-earred, soiled, wrinkled and blank pedigree chart in the bottom of the drawer of a desk that is being placed into the back of a Deseret Industries truck, proudly place the chart in a prominent place on your kitchen counter for at least five more years.
3. One day, after watching paint dry for more than three hours,
then playing with the dust in your belly button for five more, unable to think of absolutely anything more in the universe to do within the entire expanse of your exsistence, the image of your nearly disgarded pedigree chart will come to mind. With the full spirit of Elijah suddenly beginning to surge with a Super-hero zest throughout your heart, body and mind, retrieve the chart from off the kitchen counter. Pull it apart from the child’s artwork that has become glued to it with three year's worth of maple syrup and begin listing your and your parent’s full names, plus each person’s date and place of birth. With a feeling you might be on a roll that could lead you, by the end of the day, to a genealogical place just outside the Garden of Eden, move back one more generation, to your maternal and paternal grandparents. Fill in their names, then go to their dates and places of birth. Clueless regarding any of this information, right before caving into feeling the overwhelming feeling that you are a shameless, idiotic excuse for a human being, give up on all of this particular angle of nonsense, toss the pedigree chart back on the kitchen counter and go back to the wall you were first staring at and stare at it some more.
5. After ten more years of genealogical negligence, right before one of your friend’s relative passes away, this relative will have a very profound visitation from the other side, wherein specified visitor will thank relative for all of the genealogy particular relative did for eonic generations of loved ones who have now all passed on and are awaiting their eternal glory in everlasting peace and give friend all the credit, telling him mansions galore are awaiting friend's arrival. After hearing this experience, you will feel so guilty about all of the genealogical abuse you have inflicted upon your loved ones as you picture them floating aimlessly in eternal oblivion, that you will begin to panic. This panic will not leave you alone, day or night, and you will begin to suffer from anxiety attacks. After seeking professional help, six weeks later, when your medication finally takes full effect, dig desperately through the deep pile on your kitchen sink. Unable to find the chart, grill every member of your family, making sure to accuse them of every kind of whoredoms in an effort to get your chart back.
6. Failing in the above step, now lay back on your bed and stare out the sliding glass doors of your bedroom. Eventually you will see something white jammed up against the fence. Making your way across the yard, with a prayer in your heart, you will hope it is your pedigree chart, but to no avail. What it is, is an old bill you have neglected to pay for so long that it has now turned into a civil judgment against you.
7. Unable to take it anymore, vow to never to seek out your ancestors unless they come to you personally.
8. Unable to live with this decision, get out your yellow pages phone book and call a professional genealogist to find out how much it will cost you to find your relatives. Unable to afford any of these prices, you will resign yourself to pass on this idea.
9. But, do not give up.
10. The next day, as you celebrate your eightieth birthday, sit peacefully in your rocker, telling your grandchildren all of the stories about the wonderfulness of family, and encourage them to do whatever it takes to seek out their ancestors.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If lately, you've been noticing that you have more time on your hands, you might be thinking now is the time to do your genealogy. For beginners, here are a few suggestions on how to find your ancestors:
1. For a period of about thirty years, off and on throughout these years, try, with minmal effort, to somehow locate or happen to come across a LDS pedigree chart, to record what, if any, records you do have. After trying, off and on, to locate this page, give up and do something that will actually be worth more than searching for a piece of paper with increasing blank lines begging you to record information you might spend the rest of your life searching for only to find the information no longer exists.
2. Ten years later, after accidentally catching sight of a yellowed, dog-earred, soiled, wrinkled and blank pedigree chart in the bottom of the drawer of a desk that is being placed into the back of a Deseret Industries truck, proudly place the chart in a prominent place on your kitchen counter for at least five more years.
3. One day, after watching paint dry for more than three hours,
then playing with the dust in your belly button for five more, unable to think of absolutely anything more in the universe to do within the entire expanse of your exsistence, the image of your nearly disgarded pedigree chart will come to mind. With the full spirit of Elijah suddenly beginning to surge with a Super-hero zest throughout your heart, body and mind, retrieve the chart from off the kitchen counter. Pull it apart from the child’s artwork that has become glued to it with three year's worth of maple syrup and begin listing your and your parent’s full names, plus each person’s date and place of birth. With a feeling you might be on a roll that could lead you, by the end of the day, to a genealogical place just outside the Garden of Eden, move back one more generation, to your maternal and paternal grandparents. Fill in their names, then go to their dates and places of birth. Clueless regarding any of this information, right before caving into feeling the overwhelming feeling that you are a shameless, idiotic excuse for a human being, give up on all of this particular angle of nonsense, toss the pedigree chart back on the kitchen counter and go back to the wall you were first staring at and stare at it some more.
5. After ten more years of genealogical negligence, right before one of your friend’s relative passes away, this relative will have a very profound visitation from the other side, wherein specified visitor will thank relative for all of the genealogy particular relative did for eonic generations of loved ones who have now all passed on and are awaiting their eternal glory in everlasting peace and give friend all the credit, telling him mansions galore are awaiting friend's arrival. After hearing this experience, you will feel so guilty about all of the genealogical abuse you have inflicted upon your loved ones as you picture them floating aimlessly in eternal oblivion, that you will begin to panic. This panic will not leave you alone, day or night, and you will begin to suffer from anxiety attacks. After seeking professional help, six weeks later, when your medication finally takes full effect, dig desperately through the deep pile on your kitchen sink. Unable to find the chart, grill every member of your family, making sure to accuse them of every kind of whoredoms in an effort to get your chart back.
6. Failing in the above step, now lay back on your bed and stare out the sliding glass doors of your bedroom. Eventually you will see something white jammed up against the fence. Making your way across the yard, with a prayer in your heart, you will hope it is your pedigree chart, but to no avail. What it is, is an old bill you have neglected to pay for so long that it has now turned into a civil judgment against you.
7. Unable to take it anymore, vow to never to seek out your ancestors unless they come to you personally.
8. Unable to live with this decision, get out your yellow pages phone book and call a professional genealogist to find out how much it will cost you to find your relatives. Unable to afford any of these prices, you will resign yourself to pass on this idea.
9. But, do not give up.
10. The next day, as you celebrate your eightieth birthday, sit peacefully in your rocker, telling your grandchildren all of the stories about the wonderfulness of family, and encourage them to do whatever it takes to seek out their ancestors.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
FUTURISTIC BREAKING NEWS: 10 THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS A MEMBER OF THE CHURCH IN THE YEAR 2025:
10 THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS A MEMBER OF THE LDS CHURCH IN THE YEAR 2005:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - NEW LDS JEWELRY to be made from all of the ingredients extracted from Funeral Potatoes!
2 - TWO YEARS SUPPLY OF FOOD STORAGE now available that fits in the palm of your hand!
3 - Finally, SCRAPBOOKING island is incorporated, where the only residents who can reside there spend their whole life cutting and pasting together their life in an endless set of three-ringed binders!
4 - First Purple Heart awarded to a SCOUT LEADER!
5 - Complete reverence achieved as PRIMARY meeting is shortened to only three minutes long!
6 - Candy and soda vending machines finally installed in all CHURCH foyers!
7 - After years of demands, WARD BASKETBALL season is finally replaced with ice hockey!
8 - YOUNG WOMEN'S Leaders are being warned against unseemly behavior as arrangements are made for Girl’s Camps to be held at The New Mauian Island Hotel and the leaders are unable to agree on who gets to go!
9 - PINEWOOD DERBY Dad is sentenced to 1 to 15 years in prison for bombing a Pine Wood Derby shop that PWD Dad felt intentionally sold him a flawed car that caused him to lose the race!
10 - 100 percent Home Teaching is finally achieved as a way is finally developed for home teachers to visit all of their families while asleep in their beds at night!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - NEW LDS JEWELRY to be made from all of the ingredients extracted from Funeral Potatoes!
2 - TWO YEARS SUPPLY OF FOOD STORAGE now available that fits in the palm of your hand!
3 - Finally, SCRAPBOOKING island is incorporated, where the only residents who can reside there spend their whole life cutting and pasting together their life in an endless set of three-ringed binders!
4 - First Purple Heart awarded to a SCOUT LEADER!
5 - Complete reverence achieved as PRIMARY meeting is shortened to only three minutes long!
6 - Candy and soda vending machines finally installed in all CHURCH foyers!
7 - After years of demands, WARD BASKETBALL season is finally replaced with ice hockey!
8 - YOUNG WOMEN'S Leaders are being warned against unseemly behavior as arrangements are made for Girl’s Camps to be held at The New Mauian Island Hotel and the leaders are unable to agree on who gets to go!
9 - PINEWOOD DERBY Dad is sentenced to 1 to 15 years in prison for bombing a Pine Wood Derby shop that PWD Dad felt intentionally sold him a flawed car that caused him to lose the race!
10 - 100 percent Home Teaching is finally achieved as a way is finally developed for home teachers to visit all of their families while asleep in their beds at night!
Monday, March 21, 2005
WaH-wAh BrEaKiNg NeWs: LdS NuRsErY LaWs
LdS NuRsErY LaWs:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The redder the punch, the more likely it will be to spill on a nursery child’s expensive new outfit.
Messy diapers are always connected with a parent coming to pick up their perfect child.
The more time spent on a lesson, the less likely the children will be to like it.
Illnesses usually surface at the end of every two-hour nursery session.
The lower your tolerance level, the higher a screaming baby's pitch will be.
No matter how hard you try, every child will eventually be hit by every toy.
Children will only sneeze on the Sundays where Kleenex are not available.
The greatest carrier of germs is not the children, but their nursery toys and blankets.
If a child is sick, soon you will be too.
Even though you expend more energy than the rest of the Ward combined, barely anyone in the Ward even knows you exist.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The redder the punch, the more likely it will be to spill on a nursery child’s expensive new outfit.
Messy diapers are always connected with a parent coming to pick up their perfect child.
The more time spent on a lesson, the less likely the children will be to like it.
Illnesses usually surface at the end of every two-hour nursery session.
The lower your tolerance level, the higher a screaming baby's pitch will be.
No matter how hard you try, every child will eventually be hit by every toy.
Children will only sneeze on the Sundays where Kleenex are not available.
The greatest carrier of germs is not the children, but their nursery toys and blankets.
If a child is sick, soon you will be too.
Even though you expend more energy than the rest of the Ward combined, barely anyone in the Ward even knows you exist.
Friday, March 18, 2005
NOW AND THEN BREAKING NEWS: FOOD STORAGE, THEN AND NOW!!!
How you ever noticed how proud we are to purchase our food storage... only to one day become afraid of it?
HAPPYJELLYBEANS PRESENTS:
YOUR LDS FoOd StOrAgE, THEN AND NOW...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Instant non-fat dry milk:
Then: Instant non-fat dry milk was promptly and neatly stored in plastic containers, clumped against a wall.
Now: Inside containers, non-fat dry milk is so clumped together that no one knows what to do with it, except to use it for stepping stones out in the garden or chip it apart and sell as mini souvenir icebergs..
2. Wheat:
Then: Wheat was professionally stored in vacuum-packed bags, ready for grinding.
Now: The only thing wheat grinds is your shoes each time you step on your garage floor.
3. Water:
Then: Water was stored in well-sanitized, gallon-sized bottles.
Now: You must sanitize your hands after each time you move the bottles from house to house.
4. Dried fruit:
Then: Dried fruit was packed so neatly, it could have won ‘Best of Show” at an art competition.
Now: Dried fruit is so stuck together that even a sight-impaired person would be afraid to look at it.
5. Dried beef:
Then: Dried beef was packed nicely enough to be fit for a king.
Now: The only king that will eat this stuff is King, your pet Doberman.
6. Toilet paper:
Then: Paper was stacked so neatly that it was always comforting to know all your needs would be met.
Now: The only comforting thing to know now is that the garbage man is coming tomorrow to dispose of all of your squished, mildewy rolls.
7. Honey:
Then: This killer product was stored so well and so easily.
Now: Discovering your honey contains killer botulism, you pray you will easily remember who you gave this honey to for Christmas last year.
8. Legumes:
Then: Plentiful legumes were stored so well that they were ready to cook at a moments notice.
Now: Even after boiling them for three days straight, your legumes will still never soften.
HAPPYJELLYBEANS PRESENTS:
YOUR LDS FoOd StOrAgE, THEN AND NOW...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Instant non-fat dry milk:
Then: Instant non-fat dry milk was promptly and neatly stored in plastic containers, clumped against a wall.
Now: Inside containers, non-fat dry milk is so clumped together that no one knows what to do with it, except to use it for stepping stones out in the garden or chip it apart and sell as mini souvenir icebergs..
2. Wheat:
Then: Wheat was professionally stored in vacuum-packed bags, ready for grinding.
Now: The only thing wheat grinds is your shoes each time you step on your garage floor.
3. Water:
Then: Water was stored in well-sanitized, gallon-sized bottles.
Now: You must sanitize your hands after each time you move the bottles from house to house.
4. Dried fruit:
Then: Dried fruit was packed so neatly, it could have won ‘Best of Show” at an art competition.
Now: Dried fruit is so stuck together that even a sight-impaired person would be afraid to look at it.
5. Dried beef:
Then: Dried beef was packed nicely enough to be fit for a king.
Now: The only king that will eat this stuff is King, your pet Doberman.
6. Toilet paper:
Then: Paper was stacked so neatly that it was always comforting to know all your needs would be met.
Now: The only comforting thing to know now is that the garbage man is coming tomorrow to dispose of all of your squished, mildewy rolls.
7. Honey:
Then: This killer product was stored so well and so easily.
Now: Discovering your honey contains killer botulism, you pray you will easily remember who you gave this honey to for Christmas last year.
8. Legumes:
Then: Plentiful legumes were stored so well that they were ready to cook at a moments notice.
Now: Even after boiling them for three days straight, your legumes will still never soften.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
POT OF GOLD BREAKING NEWS!!! FAMOUS LDS SAINTS! PLUS LDS ST. PATTY'S DAY PRAYER!
FAMOUS LDS SAINTS,
PLUS
LDS ST. PATTY'S DAY PRAYER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Happy St. Patrick’s Day to everyone, no matter what religion you are! In fact, have you ever wondered why we never honor our Saints? Yes, we have saints in our church, and the time has come to place these saints on their saintly pedestals, for at least a couple of hours. So, with the reverence of a Primary child, I would like to take this time to honor our very own LDS Saints, followed by our very own LDS St. Patrick's Day Prayer:
Sports Saints:
St. Steve Young
St. Dale Murphy
St. Danny Ainge
St. Wally Joyner
St. Johnny Miller
Musical Saints:
St. All of the Osmond’s except Jimmy
St. Thurl Bailey
St. Gladys Knight
St. Kurt Bestor
Hollywood Saints:
Honorary Saint Larry King
Possibly-Could-Be Saints (if they really did join the Mormon church):
St. Jimmy Stewart and
St. Elvis Presley
St. Ricky Shroeder
St. Jewel
St. Christina Aguillera's parents
St. Alice Cooper
Political Saints:
St. Orin Hatch
St. Mitt Romney
St. Michel Leavitt
Crossover-St. Ted Kennedy
Author Saints:
St. Gerald Lund
St. Anita Stansfield
Crafty Saint:
St. Diane Thomas
Wealthy Saints:
St. John Huntman
St. Marriotts
Miscellaneous Saints:
St. Larry H. Miller
St. All of the Stead family
St. Mr. Mac
And last, but not least, our very own LDS St. Patrick's Day Prayer:
May the cops on the road never catch you on your way to Church,
May the force of a thousand hurricanes convince you to finally do your home teaching,
May the sons of Mosiah’s images (while they were rebellious) never shine upon your face,
May the Primary children always fall softly out of their folding chairs,
And until we meet again,
May chocolate and coke always be plentiful in the palms of your hands.
PLUS
LDS ST. PATTY'S DAY PRAYER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Happy St. Patrick’s Day to everyone, no matter what religion you are! In fact, have you ever wondered why we never honor our Saints? Yes, we have saints in our church, and the time has come to place these saints on their saintly pedestals, for at least a couple of hours. So, with the reverence of a Primary child, I would like to take this time to honor our very own LDS Saints, followed by our very own LDS St. Patrick's Day Prayer:
Sports Saints:
St. Steve Young
St. Dale Murphy
St. Danny Ainge
St. Wally Joyner
St. Johnny Miller
Musical Saints:
St. All of the Osmond’s except Jimmy
St. Thurl Bailey
St. Gladys Knight
St. Kurt Bestor
Hollywood Saints:
Honorary Saint Larry King
Possibly-Could-Be Saints (if they really did join the Mormon church):
St. Jimmy Stewart and
St. Elvis Presley
St. Ricky Shroeder
St. Jewel
St. Christina Aguillera's parents
St. Alice Cooper
Political Saints:
St. Orin Hatch
St. Mitt Romney
St. Michel Leavitt
Crossover-St. Ted Kennedy
Author Saints:
St. Gerald Lund
St. Anita Stansfield
Crafty Saint:
St. Diane Thomas
Wealthy Saints:
St. John Huntman
St. Marriotts
Miscellaneous Saints:
St. Larry H. Miller
St. All of the Stead family
St. Mr. Mac
And last, but not least, our very own LDS St. Patrick's Day Prayer:
May the cops on the road never catch you on your way to Church,
May the force of a thousand hurricanes convince you to finally do your home teaching,
May the sons of Mosiah’s images (while they were rebellious) never shine upon your face,
May the Primary children always fall softly out of their folding chairs,
And until we meet again,
May chocolate and coke always be plentiful in the palms of your hands.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: 10 THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT LIFE WHILE SITTING ON THE BACK ROW OF SACRAMENT MEETING!!!
10 Things I've Learned About Life
While Sitting on the Back Row
of Sacrament Meeting:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. When the tone of a person’s voice becomes flat enough, even the most alert person can fall asleep.
2. The corner of a hymn book holder can be lethal to a toddler’s head.
3. A bald head scrubbed clean enough, reflecting off the overhead lights, can look like it’s made of glass.
4. No matter how slowly a candy wrapper is opened, it will always make too much noise.
5. Even though a sleeping person's head is angled in the most painful of positions, that person can still remain in a comatose state.
6. No matter how hard they try, a room filled with hundreds of intelligent people will never be able to say the word, “Amen” in unison.
7. Because they are in a choir, even the worst of singing voices can still get the biggest smiles.
8. No matter what age, treats can make even the grumpiest person happy.
9. In the proper setting, watching a microphone raise and lower can be quite exciting.
10. Under the right circumstance, a chapel clock can appear to be ticking so slowly that it can actually appear to be broken.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
OUT OF THIS WORLD BREAKING NEWS: REAL LIVE WARD ANNOUNCEMENTS
ReAl LiFe WaRd AnNoUnCeMeNtS:
(By BeTtYaNnE bRuIn)
1. The Ward Emergency Fair, scheduled for this evening, has been cancelled due to a disaster.
2. For those of you who drive to the church and don’t realize it, please remember not to park in handicapped spaces.
3. Sister Thurmond cannot find her Great Great Grandmother Lucy Johnson. If anyone in the Ward is from North Carolina and can help Sister Thurmond find her Great Great Grandmother, she would greatly appreciate it.
4. The third hour of this Sunday’s meetings, the Bishop will speak about concerns regarding the break down of the family, after which we will sing, “Families Can Be Together Forever.”
5. A fireside will be held at the Stake Center tonight to discuss burnt offerings.
6. For those souls who want to be sure the shoe fits for next week’s lesson, feel free to refer to your footnotes.
7. The Scouts will be sponsoring a bean cook-off this Saturday. Don’t let something like this pass without notice.
8. The High Priests will be meeting at the church at 7 p.m. tonight to finish their work raising the dead.
9. Teachers, please remember to never write on the chalkboard, not to talk in class and to sit quietly in your seat, and our lessons will go a lot smoother.
10. Sister’s, don’t forget the D.I. drive to be held this Thursday at the church at 7 p.m. Get rid of everything you no longer need. And don't forget your husbands!”
(By BeTtYaNnE bRuIn)
1. The Ward Emergency Fair, scheduled for this evening, has been cancelled due to a disaster.
2. For those of you who drive to the church and don’t realize it, please remember not to park in handicapped spaces.
3. Sister Thurmond cannot find her Great Great Grandmother Lucy Johnson. If anyone in the Ward is from North Carolina and can help Sister Thurmond find her Great Great Grandmother, she would greatly appreciate it.
4. The third hour of this Sunday’s meetings, the Bishop will speak about concerns regarding the break down of the family, after which we will sing, “Families Can Be Together Forever.”
5. A fireside will be held at the Stake Center tonight to discuss burnt offerings.
6. For those souls who want to be sure the shoe fits for next week’s lesson, feel free to refer to your footnotes.
7. The Scouts will be sponsoring a bean cook-off this Saturday. Don’t let something like this pass without notice.
8. The High Priests will be meeting at the church at 7 p.m. tonight to finish their work raising the dead.
9. Teachers, please remember to never write on the chalkboard, not to talk in class and to sit quietly in your seat, and our lessons will go a lot smoother.
10. Sister’s, don’t forget the D.I. drive to be held this Thursday at the church at 7 p.m. Get rid of everything you no longer need. And don't forget your husbands!”
Monday, March 14, 2005
GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING BREAKING NEWS: THEME SONGS FOR ALL WARD AUXILLARIES
THEME SONGS
FOR EVERY WARD AUXILLARY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Nursery Leader's Theme Song:
"Release Me, Please Release Me, Let Me Go"
High Priest’s Theme Song:
“Wake Up and Do Something More
Than Dream of Your Mansions Above.”
A Scout’s Theme Song:
A Scout’s Theme Song:
“If I Only Had a Brain.”
Relief Society Sister’s Theme Song:
Relief Society Sister’s Theme Song:
“When We’re Happy We’re Helping” or
“Cry Me a River.”
Ward Basketball Player’s Theme Song:
Ward Basketball Player’s Theme Song:
“Bridge Over Troubled Waters”
Single’s Ward Theme Song:
Single’s Ward Theme Song:
"Another One Bites the Dust”
Missionary Theme Song:
Missionary Theme Song:
“I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles
and I Would Walk Five Hundred More.”
Young Women’s Theme Song:
Young Women’s Theme Song:
“Stand By Your Man”
Primary Children’s Theme Song:
Primary Children’s Theme Song:
“Jump! Shout!”
Primary President’s Theme Song:
Primary President’s Theme Song:
“Say a Little Prayer For Me.”
Geneaology Specialist’s Theme Song:
Geneaology Specialist’s Theme Song:
“Happy Trails to You,” or
“The Road is Long.”
Ward Librarian’s Theme Song:
Ward Librarian’s Theme Song:
“Bookends,” or
“Take This Job and Shove It.”
Friday, March 11, 2005
BREAKING NEWS NOW: JUST IN TIME FOR SUNDAY: TEENAGER-IN-THE-HALL SUNDAY SCHOOL DETECTOR
JUST IN TIME FOR SUNDAY:
TEENAGERS-IN-THE-HALL
SUNDAY SCHOOL DETECTORS
AVAILABLE NOW:
Empty classrooms got you down? Can’t figure out where all the teenagers in your Ward have gone to? This'll never be a problem again with Teenager-in-the-hall Sunday School Detector. Your Ward will never experience teenagers sitting on the couch during Sacrament Meeting again, and no more bathroom checks either. Just simply install the unique teenage motion detector in every hall, snap the handy handheld device on your belt and wait to be notified of where your Ward’s teenagers are loitering NOW. Be ahead of the game. Don’t wait for inspiration on this one. Buy Teenager-in-the-hall Sunday School Detectors now!
TEENAGERS-IN-THE-HALL
SUNDAY SCHOOL DETECTORS
AVAILABLE NOW:
Empty classrooms got you down? Can’t figure out where all the teenagers in your Ward have gone to? This'll never be a problem again with Teenager-in-the-hall Sunday School Detector. Your Ward will never experience teenagers sitting on the couch during Sacrament Meeting again, and no more bathroom checks either. Just simply install the unique teenage motion detector in every hall, snap the handy handheld device on your belt and wait to be notified of where your Ward’s teenagers are loitering NOW. Be ahead of the game. Don’t wait for inspiration on this one. Buy Teenager-in-the-hall Sunday School Detectors now!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
WANTED BREAKING NEWS: EVERY WARD HAS AT LEAST ONE OF THESE. DOES YOURS?
WANTED:
EVERY WARD HAS AT LEAST ONE OF THESE.
DOES YOURS?
Six hundred imperfect/dysfunctional/mentally unstable Ward members
One self-declared “Last Days” or “Signs of the Times” expert
One Official Sunday School Class Head Nodder (Usually sits on the front row and nods head in agreement with everything teacher says)
One Mormon Tabernacle Wanna-be (Usually a Soprano)
One “Was-supposed-to-be-in-the-Pro’s” Sport’s reject.
One Funeral Potato Specialist
One Scrapbook Perfectionado
One Obsessive Compulsive Librarian (Usually specializes in video equipment)
One Self-appointed Pew Coordinator
One Teenager-in-the-hall Security Guard (Usually serves in the Sunday School Presidency)
All of the above
If your Ward has any or all of the above-mentioned Ward members in it, DO NOT PANIC!!! In fact, do not do anything at all because your Ward is completely normal!!!
EVERY WARD HAS AT LEAST ONE OF THESE.
DOES YOURS?
Six hundred imperfect/dysfunctional/mentally unstable Ward members
One self-declared “Last Days” or “Signs of the Times” expert
One Official Sunday School Class Head Nodder (Usually sits on the front row and nods head in agreement with everything teacher says)
One Mormon Tabernacle Wanna-be (Usually a Soprano)
One “Was-supposed-to-be-in-the-Pro’s” Sport’s reject.
One Funeral Potato Specialist
One Scrapbook Perfectionado
One Obsessive Compulsive Librarian (Usually specializes in video equipment)
One Self-appointed Pew Coordinator
One Teenager-in-the-hall Security Guard (Usually serves in the Sunday School Presidency)
All of the above
If your Ward has any or all of the above-mentioned Ward members in it, DO NOT PANIC!!! In fact, do not do anything at all because your Ward is completely normal!!!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
AVAILABLE NOW BREAKING NEWS: BRAND NEW LDS PRODUCT: LDS BED IN A BAG!!!!
AVAILABLE NOW!!!!
LDS BED IN A BAG!!!
NEVER GO TO BED IMPERFECT AGAIN!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Never miss another prayer!
Read your scriptures every night!
Be ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FAITHFUL in EVERYTHING YOU DO, including doing ALL of your home/visiting teaching visits... until the Millennium comes!
With LDS Bed in a Bag’s highly effective, technologically correct and ultra-equipped sensors, LDS Bed in a Bag comes complete with:
A comforter that easily detects whether or not your home/visiting teaching has been done! If not, LDS Bed in a Bag’s sensors detect this and BANG! a piercing alarm sounds that will not allow you to wrap yourself in this comforter until everyone of your families have been visited.
Nightly prayers haven't been said? No problem with LDS Bed in a Bag’s sheets. They will shock you so badly that you won’t want to get within ten feet of these sheets until you've gotten on your knees first!
For some reason, you inadvertently tried to climb into bed without reading your scriptures first? Ha! LDS Bed in a Bag’s pillow is there to shoot massive amounts of cold water at your face until you resolve to never miss reading your scriptures again!
Even the dust ruffle has detectors! Doing your genealogy a problem? No more. Let LDS Bed in a Bag's dust ruffle trip you into remembering those ancestors.
All of this and more! Buy LDS Bed in a Bag NOW! The Second Coming is on its way!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Hi MoM BrEaKiNg NeWs: UnReCoRdEd CoMmEnTs MaDe By ThEiR MoThErS iN ThE bOoK oF MoRmOn
UNRECORDED COMMENTS MADE BY THEIR MOTHERS IN THE BOOK OF MORMON:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Get down from that wall right now, Samuel. You’re gonna get hurt!
2. Laman and Lemuel, what’s it gonna take for you to finally quit picking on your brother?
3. You really expect me to believe, Lehi, that you just woke up one morning and this thing was sitting outside the front door of our tent?
4. You lie again, Korihor, and your father and I are gonna wash your mouth out with soap.
5. I mean it this time, Enos. Go to sleep!
6. Really, girls. Don’t you think it’s pretty pompous of you to believe some guys are gonna whisk through here some day, sweep you off your feet and marry all of you at once? You’ve got to be kidding!
7. After all we do for you, Laman and Lemuel, all you can do is complain!
8. Abinadi, take off those clothes. They smell like a fiery furnace!
9. You mean to tell me Moroni that you buried those plates in a mountainside and now you can’t remember where you put them?
10. Helaman, go tell your sons right now that they’d better listen to me or else!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Get down from that wall right now, Samuel. You’re gonna get hurt!
2. Laman and Lemuel, what’s it gonna take for you to finally quit picking on your brother?
3. You really expect me to believe, Lehi, that you just woke up one morning and this thing was sitting outside the front door of our tent?
4. You lie again, Korihor, and your father and I are gonna wash your mouth out with soap.
5. I mean it this time, Enos. Go to sleep!
6. Really, girls. Don’t you think it’s pretty pompous of you to believe some guys are gonna whisk through here some day, sweep you off your feet and marry all of you at once? You’ve got to be kidding!
7. After all we do for you, Laman and Lemuel, all you can do is complain!
8. Abinadi, take off those clothes. They smell like a fiery furnace!
9. You mean to tell me Moroni that you buried those plates in a mountainside and now you can’t remember where you put them?
10. Helaman, go tell your sons right now that they’d better listen to me or else!
Monday, March 07, 2005
MONDAY MORNING, BREAKING NEWS: THE ART OF PULLING OFF AN "I'M NOT HAVING A FAREWELL" FAREWELL
The Art of Pulling Off an, “I’m Not Having a Farewell” Farewell
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Mail out your annual family Christmas letter two weeks before your missionary’s farewell, even if you' ve never mailed out an annual Christmas letter before. On decorative Christmas paper, print the date, time and place of your missionary’s farewell in large, bold print across the top of the page, then go on to mention a few other happenings in the family, just to make sure the letter is officially an "official annual family Christmas letter."
2. Arrange to give the opening or closing prayer at your missionary’s farewell. Within the context of the prayer, mention how grateful you are for such things as all of your many “spiritual, mental, emotional and physical blessings, including your house, food, as well as all the many times of getting together with family and friends (then quickly whisper the words, ‘after the meeting today,’), then go on to mention the beauty of the Earth, and all of the other wonderful things we enjoy.”
3. Try to encourage your missionary to say things you would have said in your talk, (had your missionary gone on a mission ten years ago), by writing a poem or a song that can be sung about faith. Include in this poem or song, everything that builds faith in a person, including such things as a family's influence. Go ahead and within the context of this poem or song include all of the funny or unique things to get "the big Ward laugh" everyone seeks for during a mission farewell -- and you know you would have received had your missionary served a mission ten years ago--and everything else you and your family have done for your missionary.
4. During the farewell, be as teary-eyed as possible for as long as is possible, (hopefully throughout the duration of the meeting) as if you were seated on the stand, for anyone who might decide to watch you instead of your child.
5. Even though you are not speaking, be sure and go out and buy something new.
6. In the prayer you have arranged, be sure to thank everyone who has ever influenced you and/or your child your whole life, whether they are in the room (“happened” to get your “official family Christmas letter”) or not, including neighbors, friends and/or neighbor's friend's second cousins twice-removed.
7. Clean your house spotless on Saturday or Sunday, "just because it happens to need it," and because "you suddenly feel the urge to paint and recarpet." Be sure to bring in extra chairs and tables because it suddenly occurred to you that "you never know when a ‘very large’ crowd might show up.”
8. During church, after the meeting, act as though you are going to your car to get something, then get in your car and drive to your house without thinking about what you are doing because if you don’t think about what you are doing you won’t be held as accountable as if you think and act as if you know what you are doing.
9. As soon as you arrive home, act surprised when lots of people start showing up at your door, as if the whole thing just happened to be happening.
10. Enjoy the whole day and feel satisfied when you retire that night, that you have been faithful in following the guidelines not to have a missionary farewell.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Mail out your annual family Christmas letter two weeks before your missionary’s farewell, even if you' ve never mailed out an annual Christmas letter before. On decorative Christmas paper, print the date, time and place of your missionary’s farewell in large, bold print across the top of the page, then go on to mention a few other happenings in the family, just to make sure the letter is officially an "official annual family Christmas letter."
2. Arrange to give the opening or closing prayer at your missionary’s farewell. Within the context of the prayer, mention how grateful you are for such things as all of your many “spiritual, mental, emotional and physical blessings, including your house, food, as well as all the many times of getting together with family and friends (then quickly whisper the words, ‘after the meeting today,’), then go on to mention the beauty of the Earth, and all of the other wonderful things we enjoy.”
3. Try to encourage your missionary to say things you would have said in your talk, (had your missionary gone on a mission ten years ago), by writing a poem or a song that can be sung about faith. Include in this poem or song, everything that builds faith in a person, including such things as a family's influence. Go ahead and within the context of this poem or song include all of the funny or unique things to get "the big Ward laugh" everyone seeks for during a mission farewell -- and you know you would have received had your missionary served a mission ten years ago--and everything else you and your family have done for your missionary.
4. During the farewell, be as teary-eyed as possible for as long as is possible, (hopefully throughout the duration of the meeting) as if you were seated on the stand, for anyone who might decide to watch you instead of your child.
5. Even though you are not speaking, be sure and go out and buy something new.
6. In the prayer you have arranged, be sure to thank everyone who has ever influenced you and/or your child your whole life, whether they are in the room (“happened” to get your “official family Christmas letter”) or not, including neighbors, friends and/or neighbor's friend's second cousins twice-removed.
7. Clean your house spotless on Saturday or Sunday, "just because it happens to need it," and because "you suddenly feel the urge to paint and recarpet." Be sure to bring in extra chairs and tables because it suddenly occurred to you that "you never know when a ‘very large’ crowd might show up.”
8. During church, after the meeting, act as though you are going to your car to get something, then get in your car and drive to your house without thinking about what you are doing because if you don’t think about what you are doing you won’t be held as accountable as if you think and act as if you know what you are doing.
9. As soon as you arrive home, act surprised when lots of people start showing up at your door, as if the whole thing just happened to be happening.
10. Enjoy the whole day and feel satisfied when you retire that night, that you have been faithful in following the guidelines not to have a missionary farewell.
Friday, March 04, 2005
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW BREAKING NEWS: PHONE MENU FOR A LATTER DAY SAINT HOME
LDS PHONE MENU
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If you are a High Priest: Please press five before falling asleep.
If you are the Ward Nursery Leader: While holding up some fingers, count them, then please press the button that coincides with that number.
If you are the Scoutmaster: After spraying yourself with bug repellent, please press 8.
If you are the Young Women’s President: Because you value this call, please press 7.
If you are the Relief Society President: Please press five, serve refreshments, then press 6.
If you are the Sunday School President: Please wait for the buzzer, then press 4.
If you are the Bishop: While pulling your hair out, please press 1.
If you are the Ward Librarian: Please press 1, then be sure to return 1. Please press 2, then be sure to return 2...
If you are the Ward Genealogist: Please search through all of the buttons to find which one belongs to you.
If you are a Home Teacher: Wait until the last second, then please press 2.
If you are calling to ask me to substitute teach your Primary class, please hang up.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
If you are a High Priest: Please press five before falling asleep.
If you are the Ward Nursery Leader: While holding up some fingers, count them, then please press the button that coincides with that number.
If you are the Scoutmaster: After spraying yourself with bug repellent, please press 8.
If you are the Young Women’s President: Because you value this call, please press 7.
If you are the Relief Society President: Please press five, serve refreshments, then press 6.
If you are the Sunday School President: Please wait for the buzzer, then press 4.
If you are the Bishop: While pulling your hair out, please press 1.
If you are the Ward Librarian: Please press 1, then be sure to return 1. Please press 2, then be sure to return 2...
If you are the Ward Genealogist: Please search through all of the buttons to find which one belongs to you.
If you are a Home Teacher: Wait until the last second, then please press 2.
If you are calling to ask me to substitute teach your Primary class, please hang up.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
RATHER CHILDISH BREAKING NEWS: WHAT MORMONS TRULY BELIEVE (THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHILD)!!!
WHAT WE (THE MEMBERS OF THE MORMON CHURCH) TRULY BELIEVE, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR OLD CHILD:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
When we are eight years old, we get bathtized.
The Word of Wisdom says we can’t ever drink out-in-the-hall. And we should never smoke cigarettes either.
Our thirteenth Article of Faith says that we believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant.
We also believe we will be punished for our own sins and not for Adam’s Ranch Dressing.
We believe that everyone should look for their own Jenny Ology, who is dead, and when we find her, we are supposed to bathtize her too.
We believe that the church has Wards, and every Ward has their very own Bishop Rick.
We believe that every month we should go without eating on Fast Sunday, but it's the slowest day of the month.
Sometimes we believe in being called nice names, like in the song, “I am a child of God, and He has sent me here, has given me an Earthly life and parents, golden dear.
We believe in a book called, Dot Run and Cover Ants! and another book called, The Boy Love’s Grape Rice, (but I don't know if I'll read this one because I've never liked rice.)
But the best part is, we believe that when we die, we will go to the See Less Jell-o kingdom, where we will live happily ever after.
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