Thursday, June 02, 2005
Be Back Soon
Bettyanne, the mastermind behind Happy Jelly Beans, is in New York this week. Please tune in next week for more hilarious shenanigans.
Friday, May 27, 2005
OH MY ACHING BACK BREAKING NEWS: HOW TO PREPARE TO BE YOUR WARD'S NEXT ELDER'S QUORUM PRESIDENT
How to Prepare to Be Your Ward’s
Next Elder’s Quorum President:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Make sure you live in a Ward with streets that are all level.
2. Make sure to become familiar with all of the people you don’t know or with whom you have never met.
3. If you weren’t called to this position because you currently own a truck, make sure to go out and purchase a very sturdy truck, preferably one with a moving van-type, enclosed back with a very dependable ramp.
4. Now, go to U-Haul or Home Depot and purchase a large dolly (preferably with straps) for transferring heavy objects, like refrigerators and pianos.
5. Make sure to update your health insurance to include physical therapy at a reputable physical rehab facility.
6. Be sure to purchase a cell phone, so that you can be reached anywhere, anytime, at a very last minute’s notice.
7. Make sure to purchase a palm-pilot to update and keep track of the two or three Ward members who are willing to help you move all of the people from Item #2 who do not abide by Item #1.
8. Six months after your calling, begin using item #5.
9. If item #5 doesn’t help, get rid of item #6 and 7.
10. Now you are fully prepared to be your Ward’s next Elder’s Quorum President.
Next Elder’s Quorum President:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Make sure you live in a Ward with streets that are all level.
2. Make sure to become familiar with all of the people you don’t know or with whom you have never met.
3. If you weren’t called to this position because you currently own a truck, make sure to go out and purchase a very sturdy truck, preferably one with a moving van-type, enclosed back with a very dependable ramp.
4. Now, go to U-Haul or Home Depot and purchase a large dolly (preferably with straps) for transferring heavy objects, like refrigerators and pianos.
5. Make sure to update your health insurance to include physical therapy at a reputable physical rehab facility.
6. Be sure to purchase a cell phone, so that you can be reached anywhere, anytime, at a very last minute’s notice.
7. Make sure to purchase a palm-pilot to update and keep track of the two or three Ward members who are willing to help you move all of the people from Item #2 who do not abide by Item #1.
8. Six months after your calling, begin using item #5.
9. If item #5 doesn’t help, get rid of item #6 and 7.
10. Now you are fully prepared to be your Ward’s next Elder’s Quorum President.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
YO BABY BREAKING NEWS: SOME BIG NEWS HAS BROKEN OUT IN THE HOOD
YO MORMON MAMA'S SO...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Yo Mormon Mama’s so weird that she’ll only consider sitting in a different seat in the chapel if stripped of her free agency.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so freaky that she believes every meal should include funeral potatoes.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so odd that she hopes someday she’ll own her own school bus so she can carpool all of her kids at the same time.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so uptight that she thinks fetch is a swear word.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so strange that her idea of a federal crime is scheduling a basketball game during Enrichment night.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so bizarre that she believes everything in life should be taped or glued onto the pages of a three ring binder
Yo Mormon Mama’s so out in left field that she thinks the world has come to an end every time she loses another Relief Society sign-up sheet.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so nutty that, to her, every problem in life is solved with a three-hour lecture.
Yo Mormon’s so beyond repair that she believes chewing gum on Fast Sunday is an absolute sin.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Yo Mormon Mama’s so weird that she’ll only consider sitting in a different seat in the chapel if stripped of her free agency.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so freaky that she believes every meal should include funeral potatoes.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so odd that she hopes someday she’ll own her own school bus so she can carpool all of her kids at the same time.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so uptight that she thinks fetch is a swear word.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so strange that her idea of a federal crime is scheduling a basketball game during Enrichment night.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so bizarre that she believes everything in life should be taped or glued onto the pages of a three ring binder
Yo Mormon Mama’s so out in left field that she thinks the world has come to an end every time she loses another Relief Society sign-up sheet.
Yo Mormon Mama’s so nutty that, to her, every problem in life is solved with a three-hour lecture.
Yo Mormon’s so beyond repair that she believes chewing gum on Fast Sunday is an absolute sin.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
COMBINATION BREAKING NEWS: FINALLY, SCIENTIST HAVE DISCOVERED WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A MORMON IS COMBINED WITH A ...
SCIENTISTS FINALLY UNCOVER THE TRUTH:
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU COMBINE A...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. What do you get if you combine Christmas with a LDS person's food storage?
Lots of gifts that will definintely be stored for years with no plans to ever use them.
2. What do you get if 100 prisoners are ordered to sing in a Ward choir?
A choir director who’s finally happy someone’s willing to sing in the choir.
3. What do you get if you combine a Ward clerk with a Catholic perish?
A quiet guy who walks up and down the aisles every Sunday, counting and making notes on a tiny piece of paper while confusing all of the parishioners.
4. What do you get if you combine the behaviors of a dead ancestor with a high priest?
A high priest who will never wake up, even long after the meeting has ended.
5. What do you get if you combine a home teacher with a kid in the nursery?
Finally, a kid who only gets sick once a month.
6. What do you get if you combine a Primary teacher with a Police Officer?
A Police Officer who gives out treats along with each ticket he writes.
7. What do you get if you combine a basketball player with “Signs of the Times Expert”?
A “Signs of the Times Expert” who is not only obsessed with being right about all of the signs of the times, but is ready to beat up anyone who is wrong about the signs of the times.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU COMBINE A...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. What do you get if you combine Christmas with a LDS person's food storage?
Lots of gifts that will definintely be stored for years with no plans to ever use them.
2. What do you get if 100 prisoners are ordered to sing in a Ward choir?
A choir director who’s finally happy someone’s willing to sing in the choir.
3. What do you get if you combine a Ward clerk with a Catholic perish?
A quiet guy who walks up and down the aisles every Sunday, counting and making notes on a tiny piece of paper while confusing all of the parishioners.
4. What do you get if you combine the behaviors of a dead ancestor with a high priest?
A high priest who will never wake up, even long after the meeting has ended.
5. What do you get if you combine a home teacher with a kid in the nursery?
Finally, a kid who only gets sick once a month.
6. What do you get if you combine a Primary teacher with a Police Officer?
A Police Officer who gives out treats along with each ticket he writes.
7. What do you get if you combine a basketball player with “Signs of the Times Expert”?
A “Signs of the Times Expert” who is not only obsessed with being right about all of the signs of the times, but is ready to beat up anyone who is wrong about the signs of the times.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
LINKING BREAKING NEWS: THE VERY FIRST MORMON CHAIN LETTER!!!
THE VERY FIRST MORMON CHAIN LETTER
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Dear Brother and/or Sister of any and/or every Ward in the Church,
First of all: THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! Even though this looks like a chain letter, sounds like a chain letter and reads like a chain letter, THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! This is an official worldwide-linking-of-brothers-and-sisters-through-this-highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system.
Please, take one cup of wheat and mail it to the first person to appear on the list below, then add your name to the bottom of the list. Then, send this letter to ten people, and within two weeks your entire family will receive more than enough wheat to last a lifetime!
If you do not want more wheat, simply change the focus of the letter to whatever your current need is, send that item out to the first person on the list, then send this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system to ten people and you will receive more than enough of whatever it is you need to last a lifetime -- Coke, Pepsi, chocolate, scrapbooking materials, children, Primary substitutes, camp directors, nursery leaders, etc.
Warning: Please do not break this chain, or, um, this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. We heard someone did that once and the families participating within that particular correspondence system cluster nearly died as a result of being caught in the middle of a catastrophic disaster, including earthquakes in diverse places, unexpected and expected job loss, the birth of more children than expected, spending too much money on Christmas, one second coming false alarm, etc. All of the families within this particular highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system cluster nearly died! So, please, take this correspondence system directive seriously.
DO NOT BE THE ONE TO BREAK THIS CHAIN, or, um, Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. But, feel free to be the one who will be the biggest hero in this life and possibly the biggest hero in the next life as wellt life!
You must send this within the next five minutes or the chain, or, um, the Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system will be broken and you will be the one eternally responsible for any and all consequences that happen to you, any of your loved ones or any of the other six billion people roaming the Earth. So do it, and do it now!
With great faith and hope.
We know you can do it!
Do it now!
Five people!!!
Five minutes!!!
Don’t disappoint us!!!
Or else…..
(Bettyanne Bruin)
Dear Brother and/or Sister of any and/or every Ward in the Church,
First of all: THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! Even though this looks like a chain letter, sounds like a chain letter and reads like a chain letter, THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!!! This is an official worldwide-linking-of-brothers-and-sisters-through-this-highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system.
Please, take one cup of wheat and mail it to the first person to appear on the list below, then add your name to the bottom of the list. Then, send this letter to ten people, and within two weeks your entire family will receive more than enough wheat to last a lifetime!
If you do not want more wheat, simply change the focus of the letter to whatever your current need is, send that item out to the first person on the list, then send this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system to ten people and you will receive more than enough of whatever it is you need to last a lifetime -- Coke, Pepsi, chocolate, scrapbooking materials, children, Primary substitutes, camp directors, nursery leaders, etc.
Warning: Please do not break this chain, or, um, this highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. We heard someone did that once and the families participating within that particular correspondence system cluster nearly died as a result of being caught in the middle of a catastrophic disaster, including earthquakes in diverse places, unexpected and expected job loss, the birth of more children than expected, spending too much money on Christmas, one second coming false alarm, etc. All of the families within this particular highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system cluster nearly died! So, please, take this correspondence system directive seriously.
DO NOT BE THE ONE TO BREAK THIS CHAIN, or, um, Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system. But, feel free to be the one who will be the biggest hero in this life and possibly the biggest hero in the next life as wellt life!
You must send this within the next five minutes or the chain, or, um, the Highly-effective-form-of-LDS-correspondence-system will be broken and you will be the one eternally responsible for any and all consequences that happen to you, any of your loved ones or any of the other six billion people roaming the Earth. So do it, and do it now!
With great faith and hope.
We know you can do it!
Do it now!
Five people!!!
Five minutes!!!
Don’t disappoint us!!!
Or else…..
Monday, May 23, 2005
SIZZLING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY MORMONS DRINK COKE (OR PEPSI)
Top Ten Reasons Why Mormons Drink Coke (or Pepsi):
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"It keeps me awake during Church."
"It keeps me awake while I attend the temple."
"It keeps me awake while I do my visiting/home teaching."
"It keeps me awake while I do my genealogy."
"It keeps me awake during Family Home Evening."
"It keeps me awake during Family Prayer."
"It keeps me awake during family scripture study.
"It keeps me awake during the paying of my full tithing at tithing settlement."
"It kept me awake while I wrote my entire personal history."
"It kept me awake while I scrapbooked every person in my family tree, all the way back to Adam."
"The exact word “caffeine” is not mentioned specifically by the word itself in the Word of Wisdom or any other scripture. "
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"It keeps me awake during Church."
"It keeps me awake while I attend the temple."
"It keeps me awake while I do my visiting/home teaching."
"It keeps me awake while I do my genealogy."
"It keeps me awake during Family Home Evening."
"It keeps me awake during Family Prayer."
"It keeps me awake during family scripture study.
"It keeps me awake during the paying of my full tithing at tithing settlement."
"It kept me awake while I wrote my entire personal history."
"It kept me awake while I scrapbooked every person in my family tree, all the way back to Adam."
"The exact word “caffeine” is not mentioned specifically by the word itself in the Word of Wisdom or any other scripture. "
Friday, May 20, 2005
How to Create, Print and Send Out
an Official LDS Wedding Announcement
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Begin collecting the names and addresses of everyone you, your fiancé, both sets of parents, grandparents and everyone else involved in the wedding have ever met before, including: relatives, friends, acquaintances, past boyfriends or girlfriends, former schoolmates, former roommates, mailmen, milkmen, enemies who might not want to be enemies any more, and anyone else you have met or may meet somewhere between now and the time of the wedding -- to make up the break the record for the largest group of people to ever meet in a LDS setting before.
Second: Begin creating the LDS Wedding announcement. The announcement must include the following:
* One picture of the happy couple (preferably with bleached teeth and an over-sized engagement ring) tucked in a natural setting.
* One set of directions that will mislead attendees for hours before finding the proper location of the wedding reception.
* A collection of foil snowflakes, leaves, hearts (or anything else that might symbolize the love or the season) that fall out and get stuck in the carpet and have to be commercially vacuumed by the attendees for up to five months later. (The tinier the better)
* Ten “Registered at” cards in case the attendees accidentally come to your wedding and forget to buy you a gift.
Third: The LDS wedding announcement usually expresses something so personal that the happy couple becomes extremely touched just knowing that special something they’ve expressed will be the most important thing ever read by an attendee before -- even though the happy couple’s statement will be sent to hundreds of attendees they’ve never met before.
Statements such as:
There is something we wanted only you to know, or
In life, there are few real friends like you, or
Since you have been so close to us through every year of our life, we…
Fourth: Remember, LDS wedding announcements do have some restrictions, for instance:
On a temple wedding invitation, it would not be in good taste to have an old-time, Country Western picture taken with one of you holding a gun while the other one holds a whiskey bottle.
Fifth: LDS wedding announcements are usually filled with kind words, such as, “Tom and Martha are pleased to announce…” and not, “After waiting two years for Bill, Laura is pleased to announce that she has decided instead to marry Jim Smith, the son of...”Sixth: The bride usually writes the LDS invitation. This prevents the groom from including such things as, “I was told right before I was released from my mission to get married. So, to follow my Mission President’s advice, I am pleased to say that I have chosen Ann Wall to be the person I have selected to go to the Celestial Kingdom with me.”
Seventh: The following words should never be printed on a LDS Wedding invitation:
“Til death do us part.
Eighth: You will know you are ready to send out your LDS Wedding invitation when you can answer “yes” to the following questions:a. Has your fiancé asked you to marry him yet?
b. Do you know your fiancé’s given name and surname name?c. Have you met your fiancé’s parents?d. Do they like you? (If not, invitations can still be sent out)
e. Does your fiancé have a job yet or will your fiancé have a job by the time you get married?f. Have you made the necessary arrangements to live at your parent’s house yet?g. Have your parents said yes yet? (If not, invitations can still be sent out.) h. Are you familiar with all of the collection agencies you will be dealing with once the bills for the enormous reception start coming in?
i. Is your fiancé at least half way finished with his mission yet?
If you can answer yes to the above questions, you are ready to create, print and send out your very own LDS Wedding invitation.
an Official LDS Wedding Announcement
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Begin collecting the names and addresses of everyone you, your fiancé, both sets of parents, grandparents and everyone else involved in the wedding have ever met before, including: relatives, friends, acquaintances, past boyfriends or girlfriends, former schoolmates, former roommates, mailmen, milkmen, enemies who might not want to be enemies any more, and anyone else you have met or may meet somewhere between now and the time of the wedding -- to make up the break the record for the largest group of people to ever meet in a LDS setting before.
Second: Begin creating the LDS Wedding announcement. The announcement must include the following:
* One picture of the happy couple (preferably with bleached teeth and an over-sized engagement ring) tucked in a natural setting.
* One set of directions that will mislead attendees for hours before finding the proper location of the wedding reception.
* A collection of foil snowflakes, leaves, hearts (or anything else that might symbolize the love or the season) that fall out and get stuck in the carpet and have to be commercially vacuumed by the attendees for up to five months later. (The tinier the better)
* Ten “Registered at” cards in case the attendees accidentally come to your wedding and forget to buy you a gift.
Third: The LDS wedding announcement usually expresses something so personal that the happy couple becomes extremely touched just knowing that special something they’ve expressed will be the most important thing ever read by an attendee before -- even though the happy couple’s statement will be sent to hundreds of attendees they’ve never met before.
Statements such as:
There is something we wanted only you to know, or
In life, there are few real friends like you, or
Since you have been so close to us through every year of our life, we…
Fourth: Remember, LDS wedding announcements do have some restrictions, for instance:
On a temple wedding invitation, it would not be in good taste to have an old-time, Country Western picture taken with one of you holding a gun while the other one holds a whiskey bottle.
Fifth: LDS wedding announcements are usually filled with kind words, such as, “Tom and Martha are pleased to announce…” and not, “After waiting two years for Bill, Laura is pleased to announce that she has decided instead to marry Jim Smith, the son of...”Sixth: The bride usually writes the LDS invitation. This prevents the groom from including such things as, “I was told right before I was released from my mission to get married. So, to follow my Mission President’s advice, I am pleased to say that I have chosen Ann Wall to be the person I have selected to go to the Celestial Kingdom with me.”
Seventh: The following words should never be printed on a LDS Wedding invitation:
“Til death do us part.
Eighth: You will know you are ready to send out your LDS Wedding invitation when you can answer “yes” to the following questions:a. Has your fiancé asked you to marry him yet?
b. Do you know your fiancé’s given name and surname name?c. Have you met your fiancé’s parents?d. Do they like you? (If not, invitations can still be sent out)
e. Does your fiancé have a job yet or will your fiancé have a job by the time you get married?f. Have you made the necessary arrangements to live at your parent’s house yet?g. Have your parents said yes yet? (If not, invitations can still be sent out.) h. Are you familiar with all of the collection agencies you will be dealing with once the bills for the enormous reception start coming in?
i. Is your fiancé at least half way finished with his mission yet?
If you can answer yes to the above questions, you are ready to create, print and send out your very own LDS Wedding invitation.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
YEE-HAW BREAKING NEWS: PRIMARY COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES
PRIMARY COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Life Without You is Like a Tree Without Popcorn
I Understand Adam Was a Propeht,
I Understand Adam Was a Propeht,
But How Come I Have to Pick These Weeds?
If Families Are Gonna Be Together Forever,
Then Why Did I Pick You?
The Little Stream May Have Given
The Little Stream May Have Given
But It Was Also In a Hurry
When it Comes to My Face,
When it Comes to My Face,
Meeting This Frown is Not by Chance
My Life is a Gift,
My Life is a Gift,
But My Life Has No Plan
Pioneer Children May Have Walked,
Pioneer Children May Have Walked,
But If I Don’t Get My Car Fixed Soon
I’m Gonna Go Crazy!
Saturday Used To Be a Special Day
Saturday Used To Be a Special Day
Until You Started Nagging Me
The Wise Man May Have Built His House Upon a Rock,
The Wise Man May Have Built His House Upon a Rock,
But the Poor Man's Gonna Have to Settle
For This Apartment on Main Street
Monday, May 16, 2005
CREEPY CRAWLY BREAKING NEWS: MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!
WARNING, WARNING, DANGER, DANGER:
MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The Basketball Players Virus: During rough times playing church ball, this virus has been know to cause players to sometimes “Byte” one another.
The Mormon Mother’s Virus: Known for causing this particular set of women to “Shut down and Reboot,” try avoiding this virus at all costs!
The Fasting Virus: This virus causes food to be “Deleted” from your life for a period of twenty-four hours.
The Primary President Virus: This virus causes the person in this calling to be unable to “Function” for at least fours days out of every month.
The High Priest Virus: Able to remain in a state similar to being put on “Pause,” this virus is temporary and usually ends at the end of Sacrament Meeting.
The Nursery Virus: This virus causes the leader to experience panic with each step she takes closer to nursery door, then, as she grabs the door handle, she repeats to herself until she can hardly move, “Enter” at your own risk.
The Every Mormon’s Virus: This is the worst virus of all because those inflicted with it suddenly develop the urge to drink “Tab” insead of Coke or Pepsi.
The Welfare Virus: Known for being a positive virus, this virus causes the “Storage Capacity” of your two year’s supply to constantly increase.
The Scrapbookers I Virus: This virus is very dangerous because it causes a person to “Save” everything.
The Scrapbookers II Virus: This virus usually follows Scrapbookers I virus, as it creeps through a person’s life and causes that person to “Copy and Paste” everything they see.
The Genealogist’s Virus: This virus is only irritating to family members of the person affected as this otherwise normal person continually exposes his or her ancestors to the “Find and Replace” process.
The Single Adult Virus: Causes every male in a LDS Single's Ward to keep one thought in mind while eyeing over the women in the Chapel: To “Select All.”
MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The Basketball Players Virus: During rough times playing church ball, this virus has been know to cause players to sometimes “Byte” one another.
The Mormon Mother’s Virus: Known for causing this particular set of women to “Shut down and Reboot,” try avoiding this virus at all costs!
The Fasting Virus: This virus causes food to be “Deleted” from your life for a period of twenty-four hours.
The Primary President Virus: This virus causes the person in this calling to be unable to “Function” for at least fours days out of every month.
The High Priest Virus: Able to remain in a state similar to being put on “Pause,” this virus is temporary and usually ends at the end of Sacrament Meeting.
The Nursery Virus: This virus causes the leader to experience panic with each step she takes closer to nursery door, then, as she grabs the door handle, she repeats to herself until she can hardly move, “Enter” at your own risk.
The Every Mormon’s Virus: This is the worst virus of all because those inflicted with it suddenly develop the urge to drink “Tab” insead of Coke or Pepsi.
The Welfare Virus: Known for being a positive virus, this virus causes the “Storage Capacity” of your two year’s supply to constantly increase.
The Scrapbookers I Virus: This virus is very dangerous because it causes a person to “Save” everything.
The Scrapbookers II Virus: This virus usually follows Scrapbookers I virus, as it creeps through a person’s life and causes that person to “Copy and Paste” everything they see.
The Genealogist’s Virus: This virus is only irritating to family members of the person affected as this otherwise normal person continually exposes his or her ancestors to the “Find and Replace” process.
The Single Adult Virus: Causes every male in a LDS Single's Ward to keep one thought in mind while eyeing over the women in the Chapel: To “Select All.”
Friday, May 13, 2005
SCARY BREAKING NEWS: MORMON SUPERSTITIONS!!!!
MoRmOn SuPeRsTiOnS!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
- Seeing a runny-nosed kid in Nursery means your child will soon be sick.
Finding a hymnbook number from the opening song, sitting on the floor beneath the hymnbook number sign, means no one will know what page the opening song is on.
Being the first person to enter a Sunday School classroom means you will be saying the opening prayer.
Ignoring a call to come home teaching means your family won’t be visited for three more months.
A toddler sitting in the row behind you in Sacrament Meeting means you’ll soon be hit by a toy.
Being called to serve in the Elder’s Quorum means you will soon be moving lots and lots of furniture.
Long lines at a Ward Pot Luck Dinner means there won’t be enough food for you.
Scheduling Scout Camp means every man in the Ward will soon be too busy to go.
A child standing on a folding chair means that chair will soon collapse.
Being the first person to enter a Sunday School classroom means you will be saying the opening prayer.
Ignoring a call to come home teaching means your family won’t be visited for three more months.
A toddler sitting in the row behind you in Sacrament Meeting means you’ll soon be hit by a toy.
Being called to serve in the Elder’s Quorum means you will soon be moving lots and lots of furniture.
Long lines at a Ward Pot Luck Dinner means there won’t be enough food for you.
Scheduling Scout Camp means every man in the Ward will soon be too busy to go.
A child standing on a folding chair means that chair will soon collapse.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
CRAZY BREAKING NEWS: CRAZIEST MORMON NAMES EVER!!!
Craziest Mormon Names EVER:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Ima Mormon
Heeza Sleep (High Priest?)
Sheeza Wake (High Priest’s wife)
Able Topray
Acasa Chocolate
Anita Coke
Nokhan Do (Genealogy?)
B. Good
B. Barry Good
Ben Good
Bernadette Pedigree Chart
Bess Indechurch
Gladys Over (Stake Conference?)
Hugh Mility
Lotta Kids
MT Casserole Dish
Maura Food (On Fast Sunday)
Midas Well
Ole Ghost
Omar Heck
Shirley U. Can
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS: MORMON OXYMORONS!!!
MORMON OXYMORONS:
(By a highly restrained Bettyanne Bruin)
Reverent Primary
Consistent home teaching
Happy family
Fun Family Night
Excellent choir
Perfect Latter Day Saint
Short meeting
Healthy nursery
Handsome Ward Clerk
(By a highly restrained Bettyanne Bruin)
Mormon Oxymorons:
Living/breathing high priest
Living/breathing high priest
Reverent Primary
Consistent home teaching
Happy family
Fun Family Night
Excellent choir
Perfect Latter Day Saint
Sweet sister
Short meeting
Healthy nursery
Handsome Ward Clerk
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
GIFT-GIVING BREAKING NEWS: BOOKS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE!!!
BOOKS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Quit Griping and Start Smiling!
You Can Be Thin Too!
No One’s Perfect, But You Don’t Have to Be SO Imperfect!
Why You’ll Never Be The Next Relief Society President!
How to Know How Close You Were in the Pre-existence to NOT Receiving a Body!
You Should Be on Medication and Why!
How to Quit Being The Messiest Person Anyone Has Ever Met!
How to Stop Being The Most Unorganized Person Anyone Has Ever Met!
The Most Important Word on Earth:
Why Everyone at Church Stares at You Every Sunday To Try and Figure Out
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
How to Have a Better Attitude!
Quit Griping and Start Smiling!
You Can Be Thin Too!
No One’s Perfect, But You Don’t Have to Be SO Imperfect!
Why You’ll Never Be The Next Relief Society President!
How to Know How Close You Were in the Pre-existence to NOT Receiving a Body!
You Should Be on Medication and Why!
How to Quit Being The Messiest Person Anyone Has Ever Met!
How to Stop Being The Most Unorganized Person Anyone Has Ever Met!
The Most Important Word on Earth:
BUDGETING!!!
Why Everyone at Church Stares at You Every Sunday To Try and Figure Out
Why You Picked Such a Strange Look!
Monday, May 09, 2005
HAPPY, HAPPY BREAKING NEWS: CARDS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE FOR MOTHER'S DAY
GREETING CARDS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE FOR MOTHER'S DAY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
Here is a coupon for taking the whole day off to work on your genealogy!
2. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
With this sewing machine and endless material, now you can make everything we wear by hand!
3. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
And congratulations on being called as the next Den Leader.
4. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I wish you could come and visit me, but the doctor says I’ll be out of drug rehab soon!
5. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I hope you enjoy this cookbook: Best-tasting Meals Ever Because They Take All Day Long To Make From Scratch!
6. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
And thanks for teaching me so much about free agency that I’m happy to tell you I just joined another church!
7. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
When you’re through with all of your inhouse therapy, I hope you’ll feel comfortable with the idea of joining us again soon!
8. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
Even though you can’t ever be the perfect Mom (because if you were you wouldn’t be here on Earth) you’re about as close as any person can come to being perfect!
9. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I want to be with you forever, except for the days where you drive me so crazy that I’d do anything just to go to the telestial kingdom instead!
10. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I know you’re worried about the signs of the times, but I’m just glad to know you’re not one of them!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
Here is a coupon for taking the whole day off to work on your genealogy!
2. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
With this sewing machine and endless material, now you can make everything we wear by hand!
3. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
And congratulations on being called as the next Den Leader.
4. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I wish you could come and visit me, but the doctor says I’ll be out of drug rehab soon!
5. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I hope you enjoy this cookbook: Best-tasting Meals Ever Because They Take All Day Long To Make From Scratch!
6. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
And thanks for teaching me so much about free agency that I’m happy to tell you I just joined another church!
7. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
When you’re through with all of your inhouse therapy, I hope you’ll feel comfortable with the idea of joining us again soon!
8. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
Even though you can’t ever be the perfect Mom (because if you were you wouldn’t be here on Earth) you’re about as close as any person can come to being perfect!
9. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I want to be with you forever, except for the days where you drive me so crazy that I’d do anything just to go to the telestial kingdom instead!
10. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I know you’re worried about the signs of the times, but I’m just glad to know you’re not one of them!
Friday, May 06, 2005
MOTHER GOOSE BREAKING NEWS: A FEW, NEW LDS NURSERY RHYMES
A FEW, NEW LDS NURSERY RHYMES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
All around the Primary room
The teacher chased the student.
The student thought 'twas all in fun.
Quit! goes the teacher.
The genealogists find their ancestors one by one, hurrah, hurrah
The genealogists find their ancestors one by one, hurrah, hurrah
The genealogist find them one by one,
another one stops, can't find someone
as they all go marching
back
to the garden,
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Baa, baa, high priest,
Do not talk so dull.
Yes ma’am, yes ma’am,
Tis been an hour's lull;
Now done for the father,
And done for the dame,
And done for the Bishop
Whose going insane.
The Mormons love green Jell-o,
The Mormons love green Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons love green Jell-o.
The Mormons take the carrots,
The Mormons take the carrots,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons take the carrots.
The carrots go in the Jell-o,
The carrots go in the Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The carrots go in the Jell-o.
The Mormons eat the Jell-o,
The Mormons eat the Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons eat the Jell-o.
The Mormons stand alone,
The Mormons stand alone,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons stand alone.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
All around the Primary room
The teacher chased the student.
The student thought 'twas all in fun.
Quit! goes the teacher.
The genealogists find their ancestors one by one, hurrah, hurrah
The genealogists find their ancestors one by one, hurrah, hurrah
The genealogist find them one by one,
another one stops, can't find someone
as they all go marching
back
to the garden,
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Baa, baa, high priest,
Do not talk so dull.
Yes ma’am, yes ma’am,
Tis been an hour's lull;
Now done for the father,
And done for the dame,
And done for the Bishop
Whose going insane.
The Mormons love green Jell-o,
The Mormons love green Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons love green Jell-o.
The Mormons take the carrots,
The Mormons take the carrots,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons take the carrots.
The carrots go in the Jell-o,
The carrots go in the Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The carrots go in the Jell-o.
The Mormons eat the Jell-o,
The Mormons eat the Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons eat the Jell-o.
The Mormons stand alone,
The Mormons stand alone,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons stand alone.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
WARNING BREAKING NEWS: MORMON URBAN LEGENDS
Mormon Urban Legends:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
THESE STORIES ARE NOT TRUE!!!
But, How Many of You Can Resist The Urge to Really Believe These Stories Might Be True? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
1. Re: Get Ready:
In a few weeks, church directories will be released to telemarketing companies and you may start to receive sales calls. Call this number from your phone 888-382-1222. Doing so will add your phone number to the national "Do Not Call" list. It should block your number from telemarketing calls for 5 years.
2. Subject: FW: Please Read!!! This could save your life!!!
This is not a joke and is pretty gross. If you are faint of heart or stomach don't look at funeralpotatoes.jpg This is why you should never mess with a funeral potato casserole! Warning the picture is pretty gross, it's what's left of one of the casserole! The following pictures are of the casserole dish after five active LDS family members attacked it for Sunday dinner. The casserole was in a 9X13 dish, with corn flakes sprinkled on top and potato stuck and burned to the side. Think about it. This thing could have served twelve people of normal size, but…
3. Re: Fw: And you thought the funeral casserole was bad!!!
Three women in Utah turned up at three different hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms: Inability to concentrate, an overwhelming desire to spend money, followed by speeding, rudeness in a crowd and finally, death. There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed no toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Scrapbooking Store within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail. The big break came when one of the employees at the store was rushed to the hospital with the same symptoms... She told doctors that while she was at work, each of the above-mentioned ladies had insisted the employee look at photos of the other women’s dead ancestors to which the employee suddenly became dizzy. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but continued to look at the ancestor’s pictures. That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove to the hospitals and looked at the pictures of the ill ladies’ ancestors as well. Investigators finally concluded that looking at photos of dead ancestors can be very hazardous to your health and even cause death. It is now believed that people from all over the country are susceptible to this disease. Please, before looking at any pictures of dead ancestors, make the decision to not look at them for too long. It could save your life! And please pass this on to everyone you care about.
4. Subject: FW: Wrapped candy anyone?
Charming........
This incident happened recently in Utah.
A woman went to church on Sunday and took with her some wrapped candies with her. On Monday she was taken into ICU and on Wednesday she died. The autopsy revealed a certain Leptospirosis was caused by trying to eat the wrapped candy during Sacrament Meeting. A test showed that unwrapping the candy wrapper to quickly released dead rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis. Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. It is highly recommended to unwrap the candy slowly before eating it as the candy has been stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without with being cleaned. A study in Spain showed that wrapped candy is more contaminated then public toilets i.e full of germs and bacteria. So opening them quickly is advised before putting them into the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
THESE STORIES ARE NOT TRUE!!!
But, How Many of You Can Resist The Urge to Really Believe These Stories Might Be True? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
1. Re: Get Ready:
In a few weeks, church directories will be released to telemarketing companies and you may start to receive sales calls. Call this number from your phone 888-382-1222. Doing so will add your phone number to the national "Do Not Call" list. It should block your number from telemarketing calls for 5 years.
2. Subject: FW: Please Read!!! This could save your life!!!
This is not a joke and is pretty gross. If you are faint of heart or stomach don't look at funeralpotatoes.jpg This is why you should never mess with a funeral potato casserole! Warning the picture is pretty gross, it's what's left of one of the casserole! The following pictures are of the casserole dish after five active LDS family members attacked it for Sunday dinner. The casserole was in a 9X13 dish, with corn flakes sprinkled on top and potato stuck and burned to the side. Think about it. This thing could have served twelve people of normal size, but…
3. Re: Fw: And you thought the funeral casserole was bad!!!
Three women in Utah turned up at three different hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms: Inability to concentrate, an overwhelming desire to spend money, followed by speeding, rudeness in a crowd and finally, death. There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed no toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Scrapbooking Store within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail. The big break came when one of the employees at the store was rushed to the hospital with the same symptoms... She told doctors that while she was at work, each of the above-mentioned ladies had insisted the employee look at photos of the other women’s dead ancestors to which the employee suddenly became dizzy. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but continued to look at the ancestor’s pictures. That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove to the hospitals and looked at the pictures of the ill ladies’ ancestors as well. Investigators finally concluded that looking at photos of dead ancestors can be very hazardous to your health and even cause death. It is now believed that people from all over the country are susceptible to this disease. Please, before looking at any pictures of dead ancestors, make the decision to not look at them for too long. It could save your life! And please pass this on to everyone you care about.
4. Subject: FW: Wrapped candy anyone?
Charming........
This incident happened recently in Utah.
A woman went to church on Sunday and took with her some wrapped candies with her. On Monday she was taken into ICU and on Wednesday she died. The autopsy revealed a certain Leptospirosis was caused by trying to eat the wrapped candy during Sacrament Meeting. A test showed that unwrapping the candy wrapper to quickly released dead rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis. Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. It is highly recommended to unwrap the candy slowly before eating it as the candy has been stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without with being cleaned. A study in Spain showed that wrapped candy is more contaminated then public toilets i.e full of germs and bacteria. So opening them quickly is advised before putting them into the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident.
Friday, April 29, 2005
SCARY BREAKING NEWS: LDS STATEMENTS THAT ACTUALLY CONFUSE AND/OR SCARE NON-LDS PEOPLE
LDS Statements That Actually Confuse and/or Scare non LDS People
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
"Meet us at the stake. We’re having a fireside.”
“How would you like to help us do work for the dead?”
“My Ward is filled with so many crazy brothers and sisters.”
“It’s not easy for the Ward clerk to keep up with of all of them”
“But some brothers and sisters choose to go to the Institute instead of the Ward, so that helps.”
“Others prefer to attend the stake.”
“While others meet at a branch.”
“Fast offerings sometimes come in slowly but sure do help a lot of people.”
“Not obeying the Word of Wisdom could kill you.”
“Everyone knows... the best fire insurance policy to have is to pay your tithing!”
Thursday, April 28, 2005
ACID-FREE BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO BE A SCRAPBOOKIER
Signs You Weren’t Meant to be a Scrapbooker:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The one time you did try scrapbooking, you used super glue instead of acid-free glue.
When it comes to scrapbooking, you can’t recall having enough fond memories.
You thought a die-cut was a type of hairstyle.
You’re afraid that your descendants will look back at your scrapbook and wonder what your I.Q. was.
Every time you think about scrapbooking, you break out in hives.
All you have to show for the years and years that you’ve thought about scrapbooking, is a drawer filled with under-developed film.
Your idea of scrapbooking is that someone someday will put together all of the historical papers you’ve saved… long after you’ve passed on.
You suffer from binderaphobia: the fear of opening the three rings of the binder.
You refuse to ever be accused of out-gassing anyone. (Out-gassing is a scrapbooking term used to define the gases emitted by some scrapbooking materials).
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The one time you did try scrapbooking, you used super glue instead of acid-free glue.
When it comes to scrapbooking, you can’t recall having enough fond memories.
You thought a die-cut was a type of hairstyle.
You’re afraid that your descendants will look back at your scrapbook and wonder what your I.Q. was.
Every time you think about scrapbooking, you break out in hives.
All you have to show for the years and years that you’ve thought about scrapbooking, is a drawer filled with under-developed film.
Your idea of scrapbooking is that someone someday will put together all of the historical papers you’ve saved… long after you’ve passed on.
You suffer from binderaphobia: the fear of opening the three rings of the binder.
You refuse to ever be accused of out-gassing anyone. (Out-gassing is a scrapbooking term used to define the gases emitted by some scrapbooking materials).
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
COMEDY CENTRAL BREAKING NEWS: LDS JOKES
LDS JOKES:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
What do you call a Primary child who’s been gagged and handcuffed?
Reverent.
What does it mean when a LDS home is void of chocolate?
It’s time to go out and buy more.
Why do only 10% of Mormons sing in church?
Because if they all did, it wouldn’t be called singing.
Why do Mormon men and women marry?
Because there must be opposition in all things.
How is a Relief Society sister like Jello?
She’s sweet, her life is colorful and the longer she sits the thicker around the middle she gets.
How does a High Priest exercise his biceps?
By holding his head up while sleeping in church.
What does every worthy young Mormon man hope to get out of a service project?
Food.
How do Mormons plan for the future?
By purchasing two cases of Coke instead of one.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
STICKY BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS BUMPER STICKERS
MoSt PoPuLaR LdS BuMpEr StIcKeRs!!!
(By BeTtYaNnE BrUiN)
I’m FaStiNg ToDaY, tHeReFoRe I’m iRriTabLe!
HoNk AnD wAkE uP aNoThEr HiGh PriEsT!
My AnCeStOrS aRe WaY uGliEr ThAn YoUr aNcesToRs!
So MaNy BaSkEtBaLL gAmEs, sO fEw aTtOrNeYs!
SoMeWhErE iN tHe ChUrCh, aNoThEr ScOuTmAsTeR iS qUiTtiNg!
I’vE gOt nOtHiNg AgAiNsT sCrApBoOkiNg, iT’s pErSoNaL hiStOriEs I cAn’T sTaNd!
SaVe A cHaPeL sEaT, oFfEnD aLL tHe oThEr WaRd mEmBeRs!
KeEp CaLLiNg Me aBoUt ThE mAgAziNe DriVe, I’m ReLoAdiNg!
PrOuD pArEnT oF a VeRy oBnOxiOuS PriMaRy cHiLd!
HoW’s mY dRiViNg? CaLL 1-800-WoN't- eVeR-Be-LaTe-T0-ChUrCh-aGaiN!
HuRrY aNd sAy tHe PrAyEr, ThErE’s PeOpLe StArViNg at this table!
My OtHeR cAr iS a sChOoL bUs!
(By BeTtYaNnE BrUiN)
I’m FaStiNg ToDaY, tHeReFoRe I’m iRriTabLe!
HoNk AnD wAkE uP aNoThEr HiGh PriEsT!
My AnCeStOrS aRe WaY uGliEr ThAn YoUr aNcesToRs!
So MaNy BaSkEtBaLL gAmEs, sO fEw aTtOrNeYs!
SoMeWhErE iN tHe ChUrCh, aNoThEr ScOuTmAsTeR iS qUiTtiNg!
I’vE gOt nOtHiNg AgAiNsT sCrApBoOkiNg, iT’s pErSoNaL hiStOriEs I cAn’T sTaNd!
SaVe A cHaPeL sEaT, oFfEnD aLL tHe oThEr WaRd mEmBeRs!
KeEp CaLLiNg Me aBoUt ThE mAgAziNe DriVe, I’m ReLoAdiNg!
PrOuD pArEnT oF a VeRy oBnOxiOuS PriMaRy cHiLd!
HoW’s mY dRiViNg? CaLL 1-800-WoN't- eVeR-Be-LaTe-T0-ChUrCh-aGaiN!
HuRrY aNd sAy tHe PrAyEr, ThErE’s PeOpLe StArViNg at this table!
My OtHeR cAr iS a sChOoL bUs!
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