How to Create, Print and Send Out
an Official LDS Wedding Announcement
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

First: Begin collecting the names and addresses of everyone you, your fiancé, both sets of parents, grandparents and everyone else involved in the wedding have ever met before, including: relatives, friends, acquaintances, past boyfriends or girlfriends, former schoolmates, former roommates, mailmen, milkmen, enemies who might not want to be enemies any more, and anyone else you have met or may meet somewhere between now and the time of the wedding -- to make up the break the record for the largest group of people to ever meet in a LDS setting before.

Second: Begin creating the LDS Wedding announcement. The announcement must include the following:
* One picture of the happy couple (preferably with bleached teeth and an over-sized engagement ring) tucked in a natural setting.
* One set of directions that will mislead attendees for hours before finding the proper location of the wedding reception.
* A collection of foil snowflakes, leaves, hearts (or anything else that might symbolize the love or the season) that fall out and get stuck in the carpet and have to be commercially vacuumed by the attendees for up to five months later. (The tinier the better)
* Ten “Registered at” cards in case the attendees accidentally come to your wedding and forget to buy you a gift.

Third: The LDS wedding announcement usually expresses something so personal that the happy couple becomes extremely touched just knowing that special something they’ve expressed will be the most important thing ever read by an attendee before -- even though the happy couple’s statement will be sent to hundreds of attendees they’ve never met before.
Statements such as:
There is something we wanted only you to know, or
In life, there are few real friends like you, or
Since you have been so close to us through every year of our life, we…

Fourth: Remember, LDS wedding announcements do have some restrictions, for instance:
On a temple wedding invitation, it would not be in good taste to have an old-time, Country Western picture taken with one of you holding a gun while the other one holds a whiskey bottle.

Fifth: LDS wedding announcements are usually filled with kind words, such as, “Tom and Martha are pleased to announce…” and not, “After waiting two years for Bill, Laura is pleased to announce that she has decided instead to marry Jim Smith, the son of...”Sixth: The bride usually writes the LDS invitation. This prevents the groom from including such things as, “I was told right before I was released from my mission to get married. So, to follow my Mission President’s advice, I am pleased to say that I have chosen Ann Wall to be the person I have selected to go to the Celestial Kingdom with me.”

Seventh: The following words should never be printed on a LDS Wedding invitation:
“Til death do us part.

Eighth: You will know you are ready to send out your LDS Wedding invitation when you can answer “yes” to the following questions:a. Has your fiancé asked you to marry him yet?
b. Do you know your fiancé’s given name and surname name?c. Have you met your fiancé’s parents?d. Do they like you? (If not, invitations can still be sent out)
e. Does your fiancé have a job yet or will your fiancé have a job by the time you get married?f. Have you made the necessary arrangements to live at your parent’s house yet?g. Have your parents said yes yet? (If not, invitations can still be sent out.) h. Are you familiar with all of the collection agencies you will be dealing with once the bills for the enormous reception start coming in?
i. Is your fiancé at least half way finished with his mission yet?

If you can answer yes to the above questions, you are ready to create, print and send out your very own LDS Wedding invitation.

YEE-HAW BREAKING NEWS: PRIMARY COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES

PRIMARY COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Life Without You is Like a Tree Without Popcorn

I Understand Adam Was a Propeht,

But How Come I Have to Pick These Weeds?

If Families Are Gonna Be Together Forever,

Then Why Did I Pick You?

The Little Stream May Have Given

But It Was Also In a Hurry

When it Comes to My Face,

Meeting This Frown is Not by Chance

My Life is a Gift,

But My Life Has No Plan

Pioneer Children May Have Walked,

But If I Don’t Get My Car Fixed Soon

I’m Gonna Go Crazy!

Saturday Used To Be a Special Day

Until You Started Nagging Me

The Wise Man May Have Built His House Upon a Rock,

But the Poor Man's Gonna Have to Settle

For This Apartment on Main Street

CREEPY CRAWLY BREAKING NEWS: MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!

WARNING, WARNING, DANGER, DANGER:
MORMON VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR!!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


The Basketball Players Virus: During rough times playing church ball, this virus has been know to cause players to sometimes “Byte” one another.

The Mormon Mother’s Virus: Known for causing this particular set of women to “Shut down and Reboot,” try avoiding this virus at all costs!

The Fasting Virus: This virus causes food to be “Deleted” from your life for a period of twenty-four hours.

The Primary President Virus: This virus causes the person in this calling to be unable to “Function” for at least fours days out of every month.

The High Priest Virus: Able to remain in a state similar to being put on “Pause,” this virus is temporary and usually ends at the end of Sacrament Meeting.

The Nursery Virus: This virus causes the leader to experience panic with each step she takes closer to nursery door, then, as she grabs the door handle, she repeats to herself until she can hardly move, “Enter” at your own risk.

The Every Mormon’s Virus: This is the worst virus of all because those inflicted with it suddenly develop the urge to drink “Tab” insead of Coke or Pepsi.

The Welfare Virus: Known for being a positive virus, this virus causes the “Storage Capacity” of your two year’s supply to constantly increase.

The Scrapbookers I Virus: This virus is very dangerous because it causes a person to “Save” everything.

The Scrapbookers II Virus: This virus usually follows Scrapbookers I virus, as it creeps through a person’s life and causes that person to “Copy and Paste” everything they see.

The Genealogist’s Virus: This virus is only irritating to family members of the person affected as this otherwise normal person continually exposes his or her ancestors to the “Find and Replace” process.

The Single Adult Virus: Causes every male in a LDS Single's Ward to keep one thought in mind while eyeing over the women in the Chapel: To “Select All.”

SCARY BREAKING NEWS: MORMON SUPERSTITIONS!!!!

MoRmOn SuPeRsTiOnS!!!

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

• Seeing a runny-nosed kid in Nursery means your child will soon be sick.

Finding a hymnbook number from the opening song, sitting on the floor beneath the hymnbook number sign, means no one will know what page the opening song is on.

Being the first person to enter a Sunday School classroom means you will be saying the opening prayer.

Ignoring a call to come home teaching means your family won’t be visited for three more months.

A toddler sitting in the row behind you in Sacrament Meeting means you’ll soon be hit by a toy.

Being called to serve in the Elder’s Quorum means you will soon be moving lots and lots of furniture.

Long lines at a Ward Pot Luck Dinner means there won’t be enough food for you.

Scheduling Scout Camp means every man in the Ward will soon be too busy to go.

A child standing on a folding chair means that chair will soon collapse.

CRAZY BREAKING NEWS: CRAZIEST MORMON NAMES EVER!!!

Craziest Mormon Names EVER:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Ima Mormon

Heeza Sleep (High Priest?)

Sheeza Wake (High Priest’s wife)

Able Topray

Acasa Chocolate

Anita Coke

Nokhan Do (Genealogy?)

B. Good

B. Barry Good

Ben Good

Bernadette Pedigree Chart

Bess Indechurch

Gladys Over (Stake Conference?)

Hugh Mility

Lotta Kids

MT Casserole Dish

Maura Food (On Fast Sunday)

Midas Well

Ole Ghost

Omar Heck

Shirley U. Can

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS: MORMON OXYMORONS!!!

MORMON OXYMORONS:
(By a highly restrained Bettyanne Bruin)

Mormon Oxymorons:

Living/breathing high priest

Reverent Primary

Consistent home teaching

Happy family

Fun Family Night

Excellent choir

Perfect Latter Day Saint

Sweet sister

Short meeting

Healthy nursery

Handsome Ward Clerk

GIFT-GIVING BREAKING NEWS: BOOKS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE!!!

BOOKS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

How to Have a Better Attitude!

Quit Griping and Start Smiling!

You Can Be Thin Too!

No One’s Perfect, But You Don’t Have to Be SO Imperfect!

Why You’ll Never Be The Next Relief Society President!

How to Know How Close You Were in the Pre-existence to NOT Receiving a Body!

You Should Be on Medication and Why!

How to Quit Being The Messiest Person Anyone Has Ever Met!

How to Stop Being The Most Unorganized Person Anyone Has Ever Met!

The Most Important Word on Earth:

BUDGETING!!!

Why Everyone at Church Stares at You Every Sunday To Try and Figure Out

Why You Picked Such a Strange Look!

HAPPY, HAPPY BREAKING NEWS: CARDS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE FOR MOTHER'S DAY

GREETING CARDS LDS MOTHERS NEVER WANT TO RECEIVE FOR MOTHER'S DAY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

Here is a coupon for taking the whole day off to work on your genealogy!

2. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

With this sewing machine and endless material, now you can make everything we wear by hand!

3. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

And congratulations on being called as the next Den Leader.

4. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

I wish you could come and visit me, but the doctor says I’ll be out of drug rehab soon!

5. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

I hope you enjoy this cookbook: Best-tasting Meals Ever Because They Take All Day Long To Make From Scratch!

6. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:

And thanks for teaching me so much about free agency that I’m happy to tell you I just joined another church!

7. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
When you’re through with all of your inhouse therapy, I hope you’ll feel comfortable with the idea of joining us again soon!

8. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
Even though you can’t ever be the perfect Mom (because if you were you wouldn’t be here on Earth) you’re about as close as any person can come to being perfect!

9. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I want to be with you forever, except for the days where you drive me so crazy that I’d do anything just to go to the telestial kingdom instead!

10. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom:
I know you’re worried about the signs of the times, but I’m just glad to know you’re not one of them!

MOTHER GOOSE BREAKING NEWS: A FEW, NEW LDS NURSERY RHYMES

A FEW, NEW LDS NURSERY RHYMES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


All around the Primary room
The teacher chased the student.
The student thought 'twas all in fun.
Quit! goes the teacher.

The genealogists find their ancestors one by one, hurrah, hurrah
The genealogists find their ancestors one by one, hurrah, hurrah
The genealogist find them one by one,
another one stops, can't find someone
as they all go marching
back
to the garden,
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Baa, baa, high priest,
Do not talk so dull.
Yes ma’am, yes ma’am,
Tis been an hour's lull;
Now done for the father,
And done for the dame,
And done for the Bishop
Whose going insane.

The Mormons love green Jell-o,
The Mormons love green Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons love green Jell-o.

The Mormons take the carrots,
The Mormons take the carrots,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons take the carrots.

The carrots go in the Jell-o,
The carrots go in the Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The carrots go in the Jell-o.

The Mormons eat the Jell-o,
The Mormons eat the Jell-o,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons eat the Jell-o.

The Mormons stand alone,
The Mormons stand alone,
Hi-ho, the derry-o,
The Mormons stand alone.

WARNING BREAKING NEWS: MORMON URBAN LEGENDS

Mormon Urban Legends:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

THESE STORIES ARE NOT TRUE!!!
But, How Many of You Can Resist The Urge to Really Believe These Stories Might Be True? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

1. Re: Get Ready:

In a few weeks, church directories will be released to telemarketing companies and you may start to receive sales calls. Call this number from your phone 888-382-1222. Doing so will add your phone number to the national "Do Not Call" list. It should block your number from telemarketing calls for 5 years.

2. Subject: FW: Please Read!!! This could save your life!!!
This is not a joke and is pretty gross. If you are faint of heart or stomach don't look at funeralpotatoes.jpg This is why you should never mess with a funeral potato casserole! Warning the picture is pretty gross, it's what's left of one of the casserole! The following pictures are of the casserole dish after five active LDS family members attacked it for Sunday dinner. The casserole was in a 9X13 dish, with corn flakes sprinkled on top and potato stuck and burned to the side. Think about it. This thing could have served twelve people of normal size, but…

3. Re: Fw: And you thought the funeral casserole was bad!!!

Three women in Utah turned up at three different hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms: Inability to concentrate, an overwhelming desire to spend money, followed by speeding, rudeness in a crowd and finally, death. There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed no toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Scrapbooking Store within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail. The big break came when one of the employees at the store was rushed to the hospital with the same symptoms... She told doctors that while she was at work, each of the above-mentioned ladies had insisted the employee look at photos of the other women’s dead ancestors to which the employee suddenly became dizzy. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but continued to look at the ancestor’s pictures. That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove to the hospitals and looked at the pictures of the ill ladies’ ancestors as well. Investigators finally concluded that looking at photos of dead ancestors can be very hazardous to your health and even cause death. It is now believed that people from all over the country are susceptible to this disease. Please, before looking at any pictures of dead ancestors, make the decision to not look at them for too long. It could save your life! And please pass this on to everyone you care about.

4. Subject: FW: Wrapped candy anyone?

Charming........

This incident happened recently in Utah.

A woman went to church on Sunday and took with her some wrapped candies with her. On Monday she was taken into ICU and on Wednesday she died. The autopsy revealed a certain Leptospirosis was caused by trying to eat the wrapped candy during Sacrament Meeting. A test showed that unwrapping the candy wrapper to quickly released dead rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis. Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. It is highly recommended to unwrap the candy slowly before eating it as the candy has been stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without with being cleaned. A study in Spain showed that wrapped candy is more contaminated then public toilets i.e full of germs and bacteria. So opening them quickly is advised before putting them into the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident.

SCARY BREAKING NEWS: LDS STATEMENTS THAT ACTUALLY CONFUSE AND/OR SCARE NON-LDS PEOPLE

LDS Statements That Actually Confuse and/or Scare non LDS People
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

"Meet us at the stake. We’re having a fireside.”

“How would you like to help us do work for the dead?”

“My Ward is filled with so many crazy brothers and sisters.”

“It’s not easy for the Ward clerk to keep up with of all of them”

“But some brothers and sisters choose to go to the Institute instead of the Ward, so that helps.”

“Others prefer to attend the stake.”

“While others meet at a branch.”

“Fast offerings sometimes come in slowly but sure do help a lot of people.”

“Not obeying the Word of Wisdom could kill you.”

“Everyone knows... the best fire insurance policy to have is to pay your tithing!”

ACID-FREE BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO BE A SCRAPBOOKIER

Signs You Weren’t Meant to be a Scrapbooker:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

The one time you did try scrapbooking, you used super glue instead of acid-free glue.

When it comes to scrapbooking, you can’t recall having enough fond memories.

You thought a die-cut was a type of hairstyle.

You’re afraid that your descendants will look back at your scrapbook and wonder what your I.Q. was.

Every time you think about scrapbooking, you break out in hives.

All you have to show for the years and years that you’ve thought about scrapbooking, is a drawer filled with under-developed film.

Your idea of scrapbooking is that someone someday will put together all of the historical papers you’ve saved… long after you’ve passed on.

You suffer from binderaphobia: the fear of opening the three rings of the binder.

You refuse to ever be accused of out-gassing anyone. (Out-gassing is a scrapbooking term used to define the gases emitted by some scrapbooking materials).

COMEDY CENTRAL BREAKING NEWS: LDS JOKES

LDS JOKES:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


What do you call a Primary child who’s been gagged and handcuffed?

Reverent.

What does it mean when a LDS home is void of chocolate?

It’s time to go out and buy more.

Why do only 10% of Mormons sing in church?

Because if they all did, it wouldn’t be called singing.

Why do Mormon men and women marry?

Because there must be opposition in all things.

How is a Relief Society sister like Jello?

She’s sweet, her life is colorful and the longer she sits the thicker around the middle she gets.

How does a High Priest exercise his biceps?

By holding his head up while sleeping in church.

What does every worthy young Mormon man hope to get out of a service project?

Food.

How do Mormons plan for the future?

By purchasing two cases of Coke instead of one.

STICKY BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS BUMPER STICKERS

MoSt PoPuLaR LdS BuMpEr StIcKeRs!!!
(By BeTtYaNnE BrUiN)

I’m FaStiNg ToDaY, tHeReFoRe I’m iRriTabLe!

HoNk AnD wAkE uP aNoThEr HiGh PriEsT!

My AnCeStOrS aRe WaY uGliEr ThAn YoUr aNcesToRs!

So MaNy BaSkEtBaLL gAmEs, sO fEw aTtOrNeYs!

SoMeWhErE iN tHe ChUrCh, aNoThEr ScOuTmAsTeR iS qUiTtiNg!

I’vE gOt nOtHiNg AgAiNsT sCrApBoOkiNg, iT’s pErSoNaL hiStOriEs I cAn’T sTaNd!

SaVe A cHaPeL sEaT, oFfEnD aLL tHe oThEr WaRd mEmBeRs!

KeEp CaLLiNg Me aBoUt ThE mAgAziNe DriVe, I’m ReLoAdiNg!

PrOuD pArEnT oF a VeRy oBnOxiOuS PriMaRy cHiLd!

HoW’s mY dRiViNg? CaLL 1-800-WoN't- eVeR-Be-LaTe-T0-ChUrCh-aGaiN!

HuRrY aNd sAy tHe PrAyEr, ThErE’s PeOpLe StArViNg at this table!

My OtHeR cAr iS a sChOoL bUs!

STAKE BREAKING NEWS: THINGS OVERHEARD AT A LDS STAKE CONFERENCE!!!

TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT A LDS STAKE CONFERENCE!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


What month did you say this meeting's going to be over?

How many times do I have to tell you, turn down the volume of that palm-TV!

No. That was the tenth time you’ve trampled over the Jensen’s to get a drink, now no more drinks.

Do not flash your hand mirror at the speakers again.

Okay, you can play that dot to dot game … but stop shouting every time you win.

Quit giving our Lifesavers out to the whole row. Just politely lean over and whishper for them to bring their own.

Okay, you can write notes, but no, you can’t make paper airplanes out of them and shoot them to deliver them.

Yes, this meeting feels like it’s ten hours long, but I promise you, I’m not lying, it’s only two.

The floor around our chairs is beginning to look like the floor of a movie theater.

I said you could play cards, but I thought you meant Old Maid, not poker.

MORE IRRITATING BREAKING NEWS: WHAT MAKES A MORMON FURIOUS!!!

What Makes a Mormon FURIOUS!

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - For a Mormon to ever be served Pepsi instead of Coke or Coke instead of Pepsi.

2 - For a Mormon to ever hear anything derogatory said about Steve Young.

3- If an all-you-can eat buffet ever runs out of food right before it’s a Mormon’s turn to be served, especially if it’s something the Mormon loves or is a very expensive food item.

4 - Another Mormon who’s being very rude, especially a rude Mormon attending or playing in a church basketball game.
5 - If a Mormon ever bites into any type of stale chocolate.
6 - If a Mormon ever has to deal with lots of red lights or cops while racing to church to avoid being late.
7 - If a Mormon ever finds weevils in a very expensive, well-stored tub of wheat.
8 - If a Mormon accidentally shows up a day early for a service project.

9 - If a Mormon ever has to experience any type of delay following the three hour block on Fast Sunday.
10 - If a Mormon ever discovers, after spending years locating all of their ancestors, that the research they’ve done is all wrong.
11 - If another Mormon ever convinces a Mormon that the end of the world is around the corner and that that Mormon should spend thousands of dollars on end-of-the-world products, and then after spending all of that money, the Mormon finds out that the doomsday Mormon is wrong.

IRRITATING BREAKING NEWS: WHY MORMONS SOMETIMES GET MAD

WHY MORMONS SOMETIMES GET MAD
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Maybe it’s because:
They’re encouraged to always smile.

They must love their neighbors,
even when their neighbors are cruel to them.

Mormons must be honest, even if it means returning the 100,000
dollars cash they found in the desert.

They’re not supposed to ever swear, even if someone cuts them off on
the freeway for the fifth time in one day.

They’re not supposed to ever get angry, not even at telemarketers who
will not quit calling their home.

They can’t ever watch sports on Sunday, unless their son is playing or
Marie Osmond is singing the National Anthem.

They’re never supposed to overeat, especially at a Ward dinner where
there’s not enough food to go around. And if a person at the front of
the line does take enough food to feed a football team, they’re not
supposed to swear at that person or drink their sorrows away. They
can’t even be honest and say the person is nothing but a big pig or get
angry at the world and say they’re not going to take it any more. No,
no, no, they must always smile, no matter what.

EARTH-SHATTERING BREAKING NEWS: ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FOUND!!!!

ANCIENT NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FINALLY UNCOVERED:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Ancient Breaking News:

Domestic Violence Outbreak

Again Strikes The Lehi Family Household

Man Who Built Animal-filled Boat

Confesses To Floodings

Wife of Little Man Stuck in Whale's Mouth

Claims This Was Just Another Fish Story

Moses Finally Admits:

He Only Meant to Move The Red Sea

Over a Few Inches

Daniel Offers Suggestions

on Lion’s Den Etiquette

Goliath Claims David Stalked Him

Days Prior to Stoning

Cain Slays Abel Only Days After

Trying to Settle Sibling Dispute

on Jerry Springer Show

Dave Blackwell Votes Joseph Worst-Dressed,

Says Coat Is a Definite Stylish No-No

John the Revelator Claims To Have Found

the Fountain of Youth

Sarah Confesses to Being

The Original Old Lady Who Lived In a Shoe

WORLDWIDE BREAKING NEWS: THE TEN MAIN REASONS WHY WE CAME TO EARTH

THE TEN MAIN REASONS WHY

WE CAME TO EARTH ARE:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. To get a body.

2. To receive ordinances.

3. To be tested.

4. To see if you can be strong enough

to never purchase anything advertised on an infomercial.

5. To work hard to learn algebra

and then never use it.

6. To sing, "The Happy Birthday Song,"

too many times per year,

year after year after year.

7. To taste liver once per decade

and then question,

again,

why anyone would ever want to eat it.

8. To buy lots and lots of Girl Scout cookies.

9. Out of all of the birds in the sky,

to see if one will eventually send you

a “dropping.”

10. To spend a total of three days of your life

being placed "on hold."

ENTERTAINING BREAKING NEWS: IF THE PIONEERS HAD TELEVISION

IF THE PIONEERS HAD TELEVISION,
THESE SHOWS WOULD BE THE BIGGEST HITS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Desperate Pioneers
Pioneer Idols
F-S-I: Farm Scene Investigation
Pioneer's Anatomy
60 Moments
What’s My Clothes Line?
This Old Cabin
Everybody Loves Pioneers
Pioneer Apprentice
Extreme Makeover: Cabin Edition
Who Wants to be a Pioneer?
Saw & Odor
Good Morning Pioneers