Top Ten Yes or No Questions
on the Application
to Become a Ward Clerk:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - First or middle name includes Ernest, Harold, Lester,
or Ralph? __________
2 - Number of toupees perched on Styrofoam heads
in closet? __________
3 - Number of leisure suits with white top-stitching? _______
4 - Number of briefcases for carrying lots of unimportant
papers? ________
5 - Capable of walking down an aisle while writing
on a very small piece of paper? _____
6 - Number of times dated in high school 1____ 2 ____
7 - Capable of staring off in the distance for at least
one hour and ten minutes with a stone face,
week after week, no matter what happens
at the pulpit? _______
8 - Dark circles under eyes? __________
9 – Willing to embarrass self by attempting to
read last names of new move-ins? ________
10 – Able to overlook any funny faced Deacon
or projectile coming at you from any funny-faced
Deacon sitting on the front two rows
before you? ________
Congratulations! You may qualify to be your ward’s next Ward Clerk!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Friday, March 31, 2006
HAPPYJELLYBEAN BREAKING NEWS
Okay, okay. I repent. My intention is not to insult. And, whereas I received a concerned e-mail regarding the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I would like to say, all of my blogs are meant to poke a little fun. If that one went into a bit of a stab, a happyjellybean apology is in order. What happened was, while watching conference, hbj is always mindful of all the games played. And, to poke fun that sometimes the joke is made that the Mormon Tabernacle members all look alike, or who are they, or what, I thought I would make a game, only in fun, but, like hjb always says, If a joke is only funny to one person, then that joke is just not funny. So, let's get back on track and go for a kinder poke:
Could I do this?
TOP TEN SONGS THAT SHOUD BE SUNG TO THE PROTESTERS WHO TAKE TIME FROM THEIR BUSY DAY TO VISIT LDS MEMBERS ON CONFERENCE WEEKEND:
1- If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands
2 - If You Chance To Meet a Frown, Do Not Let it Stay
3 - Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, We're Glad You Came Our Way
4 - Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other
5 - Time Flies On Wings of Lightening, Don't Let it Pass You By
6 - The World Has Need Of Willing Men
7 - Because I Have Been Given Much, I, Too, Should Give
8 - There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today
Or, another attempt at light humor:
Top Ten Things Heard Around the House on Conference Weekend:
1 - "Pass the popcorn."
2 - "Dad, quit snoring!"
3 - "Change it back!"
4 - "Get up, conference has started!"
5 - "Did they just put (name of close friend) in as a General Authority?"
6 - "Wow, I didn't know we had that many members in the church."
7 - "When I was a kid, there were only 10,000 missionaries in the mission field."
8 - "When I joined the church, there were only 12 temples!"
9 - "Dad, quit snoring."
10 - "Mom, tell ____ to quit hitting me."
Could I do this?
TOP TEN SONGS THAT SHOUD BE SUNG TO THE PROTESTERS WHO TAKE TIME FROM THEIR BUSY DAY TO VISIT LDS MEMBERS ON CONFERENCE WEEKEND:
1- If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands
2 - If You Chance To Meet a Frown, Do Not Let it Stay
3 - Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, We're Glad You Came Our Way
4 - Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other
5 - Time Flies On Wings of Lightening, Don't Let it Pass You By
6 - The World Has Need Of Willing Men
7 - Because I Have Been Given Much, I, Too, Should Give
8 - There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today
Or, another attempt at light humor:
Top Ten Things Heard Around the House on Conference Weekend:
1 - "Pass the popcorn."
2 - "Dad, quit snoring!"
3 - "Change it back!"
4 - "Get up, conference has started!"
5 - "Did they just put (name of close friend) in as a General Authority?"
6 - "Wow, I didn't know we had that many members in the church."
7 - "When I was a kid, there were only 10,000 missionaries in the mission field."
8 - "When I joined the church, there were only 12 temples!"
9 - "Dad, quit snoring."
10 - "Mom, tell ____ to quit hitting me."
Thursday, March 30, 2006
CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN "CAN YOU FIND A MEMBER OF THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR WHO LOOKS LIKE..." CONFERENCE GAME
Top Ten "Can You Find a Member
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Who Looks Like..." Conference Game
by
Bettyanne Bruin
Can you find a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Who Looks Like:
1- He or she has been in at least one Ward basketball fight?
2 – He or she sleeps during all of his or her Sacrament meeting?
3 – He or she has never done any genealogy?
4 – He or she does not believe in having a food storage?
5 – He or she plays the penny slot machines while traveling through a gambling zone?
6 – He or she believes the end of the world is coming any day?
7 – He or she has had a face lift?
8 – He or she has yelled at his or her neighbor’s dog?
9 – He or she is addicted to Jolt.
10 – He or she goes home during Sunday School.
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Who Looks Like..." Conference Game
by
Bettyanne Bruin
Can you find a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Who Looks Like:
1- He or she has been in at least one Ward basketball fight?
2 – He or she sleeps during all of his or her Sacrament meeting?
3 – He or she has never done any genealogy?
4 – He or she does not believe in having a food storage?
5 – He or she plays the penny slot machines while traveling through a gambling zone?
6 – He or she believes the end of the world is coming any day?
7 – He or she has had a face lift?
8 – He or she has yelled at his or her neighbor’s dog?
9 – He or she is addicted to Jolt.
10 – He or she goes home during Sunday School.
Monday, March 27, 2006
MISSIONARY BREAKING NEW: TOP TEN PHONE MESSAGES LEFT ON A LDS MISSIONARY'S MESSAGE MACHINE
Top Ten Phone Messages Left on a LDS Missionary’s Message Machine
by Bettyanne Bruin
1 – This is Dr. Thomas’ office. The results of the rabies test, on that dog that bit you, came back negative.
2 – Hello, Elders. This is Sister Wells. I just wanted to thank you, so much, for coming over today to help bury my dog for me. I'm sure Fido was very appreciative too.
3 – Hey, punks, you ever do that again -- go around knocking at my door trying to preach all of yer nonsense, and I’ll get my buddies and we’ll do more than just come knockin’ at your door!
4 – Hello, Elder. You don’t know me, but I’m a close friend of your girlfriend and she asked me to call you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by lying, so she wanted to be honest with you – she just got married.
5 – Hello, Elders. One of your journals was left at my house and I just wanted to let you know that you can stop by to get it any time you want. Also I, too, hope you get over soon the two biggest problems you expressed in your journal that you’re dealing with right now -- your fear of the dark and that disgusting toe-nail biting habit.
6 - Hello, this is a preacher from one of the local churches wanting advice on how to get more members.
7 – This is the Post Office wanting to let you know that there is NOT, I repeat NOT, a package for you today, so please do not call us again. We will call you!
8 – This is footblisters.com letting you know your case of foot cream is in the mail.
9 – Hello Elders. Just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel our dinner appointment with you, tonight, but we did leave a few packages of Top Ramen on your door to make up for it, so, have a good dinner and talk to you soon.
10 – This is the Mission Home letting you know that your activity to enter the city drag race with church advertising on your car was not approved.
by Bettyanne Bruin
1 – This is Dr. Thomas’ office. The results of the rabies test, on that dog that bit you, came back negative.
2 – Hello, Elders. This is Sister Wells. I just wanted to thank you, so much, for coming over today to help bury my dog for me. I'm sure Fido was very appreciative too.
3 – Hey, punks, you ever do that again -- go around knocking at my door trying to preach all of yer nonsense, and I’ll get my buddies and we’ll do more than just come knockin’ at your door!
4 – Hello, Elder. You don’t know me, but I’m a close friend of your girlfriend and she asked me to call you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by lying, so she wanted to be honest with you – she just got married.
5 – Hello, Elders. One of your journals was left at my house and I just wanted to let you know that you can stop by to get it any time you want. Also I, too, hope you get over soon the two biggest problems you expressed in your journal that you’re dealing with right now -- your fear of the dark and that disgusting toe-nail biting habit.
6 - Hello, this is a preacher from one of the local churches wanting advice on how to get more members.
7 – This is the Post Office wanting to let you know that there is NOT, I repeat NOT, a package for you today, so please do not call us again. We will call you!
8 – This is footblisters.com letting you know your case of foot cream is in the mail.
9 – Hello Elders. Just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel our dinner appointment with you, tonight, but we did leave a few packages of Top Ramen on your door to make up for it, so, have a good dinner and talk to you soon.
10 – This is the Mission Home letting you know that your activity to enter the city drag race with church advertising on your car was not approved.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Argumentative Breaking News: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE LOVE TO ARGUE ABOUT!!!!
Top Ten Things LDS People Love to Argue About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Other religions.
2 – BYU vs. U of U
3 – The definition of a caffeinated product.
4 – Any foul called in a basketball game.
5 – Who’s going to say the opening prayer in Family Home Evening.
6 – Donner pass.
7 – R-rated movies: Good or bad?
8 – Television viewing habits.
9 – Polygamy
10 – Is crap a swear word?
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Other religions.
2 – BYU vs. U of U
3 – The definition of a caffeinated product.
4 – Any foul called in a basketball game.
5 – Who’s going to say the opening prayer in Family Home Evening.
6 – Donner pass.
7 – R-rated movies: Good or bad?
8 – Television viewing habits.
9 – Polygamy
10 – Is crap a swear word?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
SCRAPBOOKING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO SCRAPBOOK ABOUT:
Top Ten Things LDS People
Will NEVER Want to Scrapbook About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Will NEVER Want to Scrapbook About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Genevieve Gillette
1. The many Family Home Evenings where everyone fights over job chores.
2. The first time you put your toddler in the nursery and ditched him or her.
3. Locating your scout after he's spent an entire night in the mountains alone.
4. The fight with the Scout master who lost track of him.
5. The time, while on your mission, the non-member announced he or she was canceling his or her baptism date.
6. The meeting with the Bishop where he calls you into the scouting program.
7. Initiating road rage on your way to church.
8. Eating at an all-you-can eat buffet the night before fast Sunday.
9. The Ward basketball game fight that was started by a member of your family.
10. You drooling, while asleep, in Sacrament meeting.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Simply Breaking News: Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways (yeah, right) a LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life
Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways
(Yeah, right)
A LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life:
(ByBettyanne Bruin)
1 – Catch up on sleep during church meetings. (Oops, already done.)
2 - Save genealogy work for when you get old and have nothing better to do. (Oops, already done.)
3 – Say one, long prayer while in bed, rather than three times a day. (Oops, already done.)
4 – Hire out service projects. (Actually has been done.)
5 – Buy your sodas in gallon-sized drink containers. (Is done all of the time.)
6 – Keep forgetting that you have neighbors. (What neighbors?)
7 – Call your home/visiting teaching families for visits on the phone. (Oops, has been done for years.)
8 – Show videos to your Sunday School class. (Oops, currently the biggest fad in the LDS church.)
9 – Hold FHM, Family Home Moment while eating dinner. (Done all the time.)
10 –
(Yeah, right)
A LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life:
(ByBettyanne Bruin)
1 – Catch up on sleep during church meetings. (Oops, already done.)
2 - Save genealogy work for when you get old and have nothing better to do. (Oops, already done.)
3 – Say one, long prayer while in bed, rather than three times a day. (Oops, already done.)
4 – Hire out service projects. (Actually has been done.)
5 – Buy your sodas in gallon-sized drink containers. (Is done all of the time.)
6 – Keep forgetting that you have neighbors. (What neighbors?)
7 – Call your home/visiting teaching families for visits on the phone. (Oops, has been done for years.)
8 – Show videos to your Sunday School class. (Oops, currently the biggest fad in the LDS church.)
9 – Hold FHM, Family Home Moment while eating dinner. (Done all the time.)
10 –
Friday, March 10, 2006
Top Ten LDS Swear Words
and Their Moment of Usage:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Frickin’: “I didn’t frickin’ foul that guy! He was the one who was all over me!”
2 – Dang: “And then this dang car comes right up and pretty near rear ends me!”
3 – Darn: “That darn food storage is piling up all over out there in that darn garage!”
4 – Fetch: “Fetch, that hurt! Geez, what'd you do that for?”
5 – Geez: Refer to the above.
6 – Sheesh: “Sheesh, what’s it gonna take to get you to get the message? I'm not going to marry you!”
7 – Bleeoch: “That girl is one heckofa bleeoch, and I don't care if she is my next door neighbor!”
8 - H-E-double hockey sticks: “If you aren’t obedient, you know where you’re going to go? You are goin' right to h-e-double hockey sticks!”
9 – Heck-if-I: “Heck-if-I know where your scriptures are. You’re the one who lost them!”
10 – Lousey, good for nothin’: “That kids is a good-for-nothin- piece of crap.” (Shhh… LDS people do not think crap is not a swear word.)
and Their Moment of Usage:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Frickin’: “I didn’t frickin’ foul that guy! He was the one who was all over me!”
2 – Dang: “And then this dang car comes right up and pretty near rear ends me!”
3 – Darn: “That darn food storage is piling up all over out there in that darn garage!”
4 – Fetch: “Fetch, that hurt! Geez, what'd you do that for?”
5 – Geez: Refer to the above.
6 – Sheesh: “Sheesh, what’s it gonna take to get you to get the message? I'm not going to marry you!”
7 – Bleeoch: “That girl is one heckofa bleeoch, and I don't care if she is my next door neighbor!”
8 - H-E-double hockey sticks: “If you aren’t obedient, you know where you’re going to go? You are goin' right to h-e-double hockey sticks!”
9 – Heck-if-I: “Heck-if-I know where your scriptures are. You’re the one who lost them!”
10 – Lousey, good for nothin’: “That kids is a good-for-nothin- piece of crap.” (Shhh… LDS people do not think crap is not a swear word.)
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Top Ten Signs
You Cannot Call Yourself
a Regular Scripture Reader:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is listen to the scriptures on tape while doing other things, like watching television or sleeping.
2 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is when you glance over at your neighbor’s scriptures each week in Sunday School class.
3 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is reading the scriptures found on the marquis’s of other churches.
4 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read are those found on car bumper stickers.
5. You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read is the John 3:16 sign that’s held up at all national sporting events.
6 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if your only claim to being a regular scripture reader is the fact that you’ve memorized the scripture, “Jesus wept.”
7 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you have no idea where your scriptures are.
8 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you’ve set a goal to read the scriptures and almost read them once.
9 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is to look at them, once a day, sitting on your bookshelf.
10 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you think about reading them every day, but never do.
You Cannot Call Yourself
a Regular Scripture Reader:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is listen to the scriptures on tape while doing other things, like watching television or sleeping.
2 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is when you glance over at your neighbor’s scriptures each week in Sunday School class.
3 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is reading the scriptures found on the marquis’s of other churches.
4 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read are those found on car bumper stickers.
5. You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read is the John 3:16 sign that’s held up at all national sporting events.
6 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if your only claim to being a regular scripture reader is the fact that you’ve memorized the scripture, “Jesus wept.”
7 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you have no idea where your scriptures are.
8 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you’ve set a goal to read the scriptures and almost read them once.
9 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is to look at them, once a day, sitting on your bookshelf.
10 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you think about reading them every day, but never do.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Lent Breaking News: Top Ten Things LDS People Should Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot
Top Ten Things LDS People Should
Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Watching television on Sunday.
2 – All chocolate and/or caffeine products. For that matter, all sugar products.
3 – Not answering the phone when a Bishopric member calls during a time when an undesirable calling is available.
4 – Avoiding the Ward Genealogy Specialist.
5 – Avoiding walking anywhere near a Primary room.
6 – Going overtime on a talk or lesson.
7 – Cheating on Fast Sunday.
8 – Shopping on Sunday.
9 – Funeral Potatoes.
10 – Preparing their lesson while teaching their lesson.
FAT TUESDAY BREAKING NEWS: LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)
LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Flat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all women in the LDS church wear their hair flat with no hairspray, then gather at their Ward building and spend hours trying to figure out who each other is.
2 - Brat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all irreverent LDS children get whatever they want, also known in the LDS church as Sharing Time.
3 - Hat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally convince all toupee-adorned LDS men to take off their toupee and wear a hat, while LDS members do whatever it takes to destroy the toupee, only to find out the next Sunday that their efforts were fruitless.
4 - Pat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally celebrate (instead feeling guilty like every other day of the year) that maybe they really do have everything down pat, from doing their genealogy to food storage to understanding the Book of Isaiah. This is usually one of the happiest days of the year for LDS people, except for LDS martyrs.
5 - Mat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people celebrate the importance of making sure a mat or any other type of decorated material is carefully placed under a flower-filled vase on a classroom table for any Sunday lesson.
6 - Rat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people get to rat about what’s really bothering them, from political issues to poorly prepared food – usually this celebration spills out into every day of the year.
7 - Cat Tuesday: The day before Lent where a LDS person can choose to believe he or she really is a cool cat. Warning: This day usually runs out quick because, before too long, the LDS person is back to eating stuff like green Jell-o, fry sauce and funeral potatoes, wearing big hair, clothes that fit too tight, listening to the oldies station and once again realizes that he or she really is a big geek.
8 – Sat. Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people completely saturate themselves with any and all caffeine products.
9 - Bat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people go to bat for the church by arguing with anyone who comes their way -- usually happens wherever LDS pageants are performed.
10 – Chat Tuesday: The day before Lent where people in the LDS church gather at the Ward building to spend all day chatting as if it was Sunday.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Flat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all women in the LDS church wear their hair flat with no hairspray, then gather at their Ward building and spend hours trying to figure out who each other is.
2 - Brat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all irreverent LDS children get whatever they want, also known in the LDS church as Sharing Time.
3 - Hat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally convince all toupee-adorned LDS men to take off their toupee and wear a hat, while LDS members do whatever it takes to destroy the toupee, only to find out the next Sunday that their efforts were fruitless.
4 - Pat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally celebrate (instead feeling guilty like every other day of the year) that maybe they really do have everything down pat, from doing their genealogy to food storage to understanding the Book of Isaiah. This is usually one of the happiest days of the year for LDS people, except for LDS martyrs.
5 - Mat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people celebrate the importance of making sure a mat or any other type of decorated material is carefully placed under a flower-filled vase on a classroom table for any Sunday lesson.
6 - Rat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people get to rat about what’s really bothering them, from political issues to poorly prepared food – usually this celebration spills out into every day of the year.
7 - Cat Tuesday: The day before Lent where a LDS person can choose to believe he or she really is a cool cat. Warning: This day usually runs out quick because, before too long, the LDS person is back to eating stuff like green Jell-o, fry sauce and funeral potatoes, wearing big hair, clothes that fit too tight, listening to the oldies station and once again realizes that he or she really is a big geek.
8 – Sat. Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people completely saturate themselves with any and all caffeine products.
9 - Bat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people go to bat for the church by arguing with anyone who comes their way -- usually happens wherever LDS pageants are performed.
10 – Chat Tuesday: The day before Lent where people in the LDS church gather at the Ward building to spend all day chatting as if it was Sunday.
Friday, February 24, 2006
HIGH PRIEST BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HIGH PRIEST GROUP LEADER MIGHT BE TOO OLD TO SERVE
Top Ten Signs Your High Priest Group Leader
Might Be Too Old to Serve:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Following Sacrament Meeting, even if someone shouts, “Fire!” the High Priest Group Leader doesn’t move.
2 - The High Priest Group Leader begins High Priest’s Group Meeting by saying, “Good Morning, Brothers and Sisters. Welcome to our Ward Temple Night!”
3 - The High Priest Group Leader thinks searching for the dead means looking up old friends.
4 - It takes half the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to sit down and the other half of the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to get back up.
5 - Everyone in the room keeps asking one another, “Does the High Priest Group Leader look alive to you?”
6 – Whenever the High Priest Group Leader says the opening or closing prayer, everyone folds their arms and closes their eyes, then waits five minutes for the High Priest Group Leader to begin, only to open their eyes and find the H.P. Group Leader sound asleep.
7 – When the High Priest Group Leader leads the music, one person has to hold up the hymnbook while another person holds up his arm.
8 – Every time someone teaches a lesson and mentions our elder brother by name, the High Priest Group Leader shouts, “Amen!”
9 – By the time the High Priest Group Leader gets to High Priest Group meeting, the meeting is over.
10 - The High Priest Group Leader keeps asking, "Who's the High Priest Group Leader? How come we don't have a High Priest Group Leader?"
Might Be Too Old to Serve:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Following Sacrament Meeting, even if someone shouts, “Fire!” the High Priest Group Leader doesn’t move.
2 - The High Priest Group Leader begins High Priest’s Group Meeting by saying, “Good Morning, Brothers and Sisters. Welcome to our Ward Temple Night!”
3 - The High Priest Group Leader thinks searching for the dead means looking up old friends.
4 - It takes half the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to sit down and the other half of the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to get back up.
5 - Everyone in the room keeps asking one another, “Does the High Priest Group Leader look alive to you?”
6 – Whenever the High Priest Group Leader says the opening or closing prayer, everyone folds their arms and closes their eyes, then waits five minutes for the High Priest Group Leader to begin, only to open their eyes and find the H.P. Group Leader sound asleep.
7 – When the High Priest Group Leader leads the music, one person has to hold up the hymnbook while another person holds up his arm.
8 – Every time someone teaches a lesson and mentions our elder brother by name, the High Priest Group Leader shouts, “Amen!”
9 – By the time the High Priest Group Leader gets to High Priest Group meeting, the meeting is over.
10 - The High Priest Group Leader keeps asking, "Who's the High Priest Group Leader? How come we don't have a High Priest Group Leader?"
Thursday, February 23, 2006
PRIMARY BURN OUT BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PRIMARY PRESIDENT MIGHT BE BURNED OUT
Top Ten Signs Your Primary President Might Be Burned Out:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Instead of having a reverence chart, she has an advent calendar posted in the front of the room, counting the days until she is released.
2 - For Sharing Time, the Primary watches Sponge Bob.
3 – Her Primary Theme for the month is, Enduring to the End Is Impossible.
4 - Whenever she sings the Hello song, she replaces Hello with Goodbye.
5 – For treats, she gives out candy cigarettes.
6 – Her phone message says, If you think this your Primary President, please hang up. You have dialed the wrong number.
7 – She’s on a Prozac I.V.
8 – She insists there should be a substitute called for her calling as well.
9 – She keeps standing on the folding chairs, trying to fall backwards.
10 – Holding up a paddle, she says, “Reverence begins with this!”
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Instead of having a reverence chart, she has an advent calendar posted in the front of the room, counting the days until she is released.
2 - For Sharing Time, the Primary watches Sponge Bob.
3 – Her Primary Theme for the month is, Enduring to the End Is Impossible.
4 - Whenever she sings the Hello song, she replaces Hello with Goodbye.
5 – For treats, she gives out candy cigarettes.
6 – Her phone message says, If you think this your Primary President, please hang up. You have dialed the wrong number.
7 – She’s on a Prozac I.V.
8 – She insists there should be a substitute called for her calling as well.
9 – She keeps standing on the folding chairs, trying to fall backwards.
10 – Holding up a paddle, she says, “Reverence begins with this!”
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
HAPPY VALENTINE'S BREAKING NEWS: VALENTINE'S CARDS FOR SOMETIMES OVERLOOKED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
Top Ten LDS Valentine’s Day Cards
to Sometimes-Overlooked
Members of the
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - To Our Home Teacher on Valentine’s Day: Even though you don’t know us and have never met us before, we’d still like to wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.
2 – To All Primary Substitute Teachers: Happy Valentine’s Day, and thanks for substituting for my class last week and the week before and the week before that.
P.S. Could you possibly substitute for me again this week?
3 – To the Ward Chorister: On this Valentine’s Day, we’d like to tell you how much we love the way you lead the music, especially how we only sing the first and last verse of “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief,” and never the six verses in between.
4 - To The Ward Clerk – We love you - your wig, your high-tide pants, your wrinkled shirt, short tie and lint-covered blazer. What would Sacrament Meeting be like without you?
5 – To The Chapel Ushers – We love the way you hand out the program each Sunday in your obsessive complusive way, making sure the front cover is always facing towards us and is turned the right way.
6 – To the Basketball Referees: Even though we beat you up, throw chairs at you and call you every name in the book, we still love you!!! Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
7 – To the Unofficial/Junior Gospel Doctrine Teacher: We love the way you sit on the front row of Sunday School class every week and nod your head, “yes” in response to every comment the teacher makes. Your approval of the teacher’s comments makes it seem as though you are teaching the class as well, or that you know as much if not more than the teacher and we love the reassurance this gives us that the Ward is well-suprevised by an extremely dedicated Gospel Doctrine expert.
8 – To Members of the Sunday School Presidency: Even though no one in any Ward could ever name any person who fills any position in the Sunday School Presidency, we still appreciate your willingness to serve.
9 – To the Bishop’s Wife: Happy Valentine’s Day. Oh, you didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day? Sorry. We know sometimes the Bishop’s wife IS the last to know, but we still love you anyway.
10 – To the Ward Welfare Specialist: Happy Valentine’s Day. We hope you enjoy this romantic meal of cracked wheat pie, nonfat dry milk shake, nuts and dried fruits, on a table made of non-flammable, water-resistant cardboard, to the subtle light of a 24-hour emergency candle! Happy Valentine's Day!
WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS
HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
In honor of my daughter honoring Valentine's Day (see greedykristian.com), I hereby post my 25 favorite chick flicks.
Disclaimer: Because happyjellybeans has not watched
25 movies in hjb's whole life, this was not an easy task,
but I tried my very hjb best:
Y 1 - Always
Y 2- Marvin’s Room
Y 3 – Truman Show (hey, hey, hey! Truman LOVED life!)
Y 4 - Camelot
Y 5 - Romeo and Juliet (from the 70’s)
Y 6 - Steel Magnolias
Y 7 - While You Were Sleeping
Y 8 - Sleepless in Seattle
Y 9 - The Music Man
Y 10 - The Sound of Music
Y 11 – Somewhere in Time
Y 12- Love Story (with Ali McGraw—stupid movie of the 70’s, but I watched it and cried like 19 times)
Y 13 – The Way we Were
Y 14 – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (strange, but very thought-provoking movie about love)
Y 15 – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Who didn’t fall in love with Paul Newman and Robert Redford every time?)
Y 16 – For that matter: Woodstock (I saw this like 50 times)
Y 17 – Hard Day’s Night – I LOVED the Beatles and screamed and sobbed every time I watched this movie
Y 18 - Yours, Mine and Ours - The old one with Henry Fonda.
Y 19 – I Love Lucy (not a movie, but she was my religion growing up)
Y 20 - The Three Stooges (giving too much of myself away now, but I loved them too, growing up. They were very influential in my formative years.)
Y 21 - The Story of the Making of the Hershey Bar (I wish they’d make this movie, with samples)
Y 22 - Greedy Kristian and Randy; a Love Story (how tender)
Y 23 - Grandcows are Such Special Things (check out greedykristian.com for more on this)
Y 24 – The Book of Mormon movie
Y 25 – My Step-Poppy, Your Step-Poppy; The World’s Greatest Love Story of all Time
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
In honor of my daughter honoring Valentine's Day (see greedykristian.com), I hereby post my 25 favorite chick flicks.
Disclaimer: Because happyjellybeans has not watched
25 movies in hjb's whole life, this was not an easy task,
but I tried my very hjb best:
Y 1 - Always
Y 2- Marvin’s Room
Y 3 – Truman Show (hey, hey, hey! Truman LOVED life!)
Y 4 - Camelot
Y 5 - Romeo and Juliet (from the 70’s)
Y 6 - Steel Magnolias
Y 7 - While You Were Sleeping
Y 8 - Sleepless in Seattle
Y 9 - The Music Man
Y 10 - The Sound of Music
Y 11 – Somewhere in Time
Y 12- Love Story (with Ali McGraw—stupid movie of the 70’s, but I watched it and cried like 19 times)
Y 13 – The Way we Were
Y 14 – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (strange, but very thought-provoking movie about love)
Y 15 – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Who didn’t fall in love with Paul Newman and Robert Redford every time?)
Y 16 – For that matter: Woodstock (I saw this like 50 times)
Y 17 – Hard Day’s Night – I LOVED the Beatles and screamed and sobbed every time I watched this movie
Y 18 - Yours, Mine and Ours - The old one with Henry Fonda.
Y 19 – I Love Lucy (not a movie, but she was my religion growing up)
Y 20 - The Three Stooges (giving too much of myself away now, but I loved them too, growing up. They were very influential in my formative years.)
Y 21 - The Story of the Making of the Hershey Bar (I wish they’d make this movie, with samples)
Y 22 - Greedy Kristian and Randy; a Love Story (how tender)
Y 23 - Grandcows are Such Special Things (check out greedykristian.com for more on this)
Y 24 – The Book of Mormon movie
Y 25 – My Step-Poppy, Your Step-Poppy; The World’s Greatest Love Story of all Time
(Feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment)
Monday, February 13, 2006
OLYMPIC BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS RELIEF SOCIETY OLYMPIC EVENTS
Top Ten LDS Relief Society Olympic Events:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - The Delluge – Which Relief Society is the most overwhelmed?
2 - Speedriving to Church meetings: Watch the sisters race to see who can drive to church the fastest.
3 - Cryatholon – Who will cry the hardest during R.S. Testmony meeting?
4 - Nice Hockey – Who can be the nicest of all the Relief Society sisters, really?
5 - Curling Iron – Best hairstyle with special emphasis paid to bangs.
6 - Doughboarding – Watch the sister compete in whose dough will rise the highest.
7 - Figure Hating – See the sisters interviewed to see who hates whose figure the most.
8 - The scaleleton – See which sister hates her bathroom scale the most.
9 - Downhill creaking – Watch the older sisters race to the Relief Society room to get the best seat.
10 - Mobsled – See who survives a mobbing generated by a huge scrapbook sale.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - The Delluge – Which Relief Society is the most overwhelmed?
2 - Speedriving to Church meetings: Watch the sisters race to see who can drive to church the fastest.
3 - Cryatholon – Who will cry the hardest during R.S. Testmony meeting?
4 - Nice Hockey – Who can be the nicest of all the Relief Society sisters, really?
5 - Curling Iron – Best hairstyle with special emphasis paid to bangs.
6 - Doughboarding – Watch the sister compete in whose dough will rise the highest.
7 - Figure Hating – See the sisters interviewed to see who hates whose figure the most.
8 - The scaleleton – See which sister hates her bathroom scale the most.
9 - Downhill creaking – Watch the older sisters race to the Relief Society room to get the best seat.
10 - Mobsled – See who survives a mobbing generated by a huge scrapbook sale.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
GARDEN OF EDEN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE
MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER
HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF
THE LATTER-DAY SAINT CHURCH:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - “Eve, you ate one of those apples? Dang!”
2 - “Adam, I thought for Family Home Evening tonight, we’d talk about being tempted to partake of the tree of life.”
3 - “But, Eve, we don’t have to do our genealogy because we don’t have any ancestors!”
4 - “Adam, I’m going over to the church now to drop off my Fig Funeral Casserole.”
5 - “Does tithing mean giving 1/10th of our fig leaf to the church too?”
6 - “Adam, look what we made at Enrichment Night tonight: We made couch pillows out of coats of skin. Aren’t they cute?”
7 – “Adam, do you know when the next D.I. drive is? I have a ton of stuff I need to get rid of.”
8 – “Eve, I’m going over to the church now to help the Ward clean-up all of those thorns and thistles.”
9 – “Eve, now that I’ve been kicked out of the garden, what will happen to me if I don’t hearken unto you any more?”
10 – “With all of these trees around here, we have more than a two year’s supply of food.”
MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER
HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF
THE LATTER-DAY SAINT CHURCH:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - “Eve, you ate one of those apples? Dang!”
2 - “Adam, I thought for Family Home Evening tonight, we’d talk about being tempted to partake of the tree of life.”
3 - “But, Eve, we don’t have to do our genealogy because we don’t have any ancestors!”
4 - “Adam, I’m going over to the church now to drop off my Fig Funeral Casserole.”
5 - “Does tithing mean giving 1/10th of our fig leaf to the church too?”
6 - “Adam, look what we made at Enrichment Night tonight: We made couch pillows out of coats of skin. Aren’t they cute?”
7 – “Adam, do you know when the next D.I. drive is? I have a ton of stuff I need to get rid of.”
8 – “Eve, I’m going over to the church now to help the Ward clean-up all of those thorns and thistles.”
9 – “Eve, now that I’ve been kicked out of the garden, what will happen to me if I don’t hearken unto you any more?”
10 – “With all of these trees around here, we have more than a two year’s supply of food.”
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
SABBATH DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN ITEMS LDS WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY
TOP TEN ITEMS LDS PEOPLE WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Toilet paper: No comment.
2 - Prescriptions: It’s either that or run the risk of dying.
3 - Gasoline: It’s either that or stay home from church.
4 - Forgotten ingredient in a recipe: It’s either that or throw away good food.
5 - Class treat: It’s either that or deal with an irreverent class and possibly ask to be released.
6 – Poster board: It’s either that or have the class not understand what the heck is being taught.
7 - Baby food: It’s either that or the baby could starve.
8 - Dog food: It’s either that or the dog could starve.
9 – Newspaper: It’s that or miss knowing if the last day is finally here (plus peeking at all of the sports scores).
10 – Cookies/candy/soda: No comment.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Toilet paper: No comment.
2 - Prescriptions: It’s either that or run the risk of dying.
3 - Gasoline: It’s either that or stay home from church.
4 - Forgotten ingredient in a recipe: It’s either that or throw away good food.
5 - Class treat: It’s either that or deal with an irreverent class and possibly ask to be released.
6 – Poster board: It’s either that or have the class not understand what the heck is being taught.
7 - Baby food: It’s either that or the baby could starve.
8 - Dog food: It’s either that or the dog could starve.
9 – Newspaper: It’s that or miss knowing if the last day is finally here (plus peeking at all of the sports scores).
10 – Cookies/candy/soda: No comment.
Friday, February 03, 2006
SUPER BOWL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES THE SUPER BOWL IS AN LDS INSPIRED EVENT
TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES
THE SUPER BOWL IS A TOTALLY INSPIRED
LDS EVENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – As a result of inspiration, Mormon, Lee Johnson's 63-yard punt, in Super Bowl XXIII, was the longest punt in Super Bowl history.
2 – Former Cougar. Jim McMahon -- from church inspired school, BYU -- was responsible for two rushing touchdowns in Super Bowl XX, holding second place in all-time touchdowns scored and rushing touchdowns in a Super Bowl game.
3 - In this year's Super Bowl, Seattle has two former BYU coaches and one former BYU player on its team. The Pittsburgh Steelers have three former BYU defensive linemen on its team.
4 – Mormon, Fred Brown, invented Detroit’s Ford Field Stadium.
5 – Mormon, Sylia Stansworth, designed the seats in the stadium.
6 - Mormon, Philo T. Farnsworth, invented the television so that four billion people all over the world can watch the Super Bowl.
7 – Former friend of many Mormons, Orville B. Redenbacher invented popcorn so we would all have something to eat while watching the game.
8 – Claymation commericials were designed by a company in Provo.
9 – Clydesdale horses were trained by former Mormon, Sonja Johnson.
10 – The air inside the Goodyear Blimp is personally filled by a close friend of Orin Hatch, Ted Kennedy.
THE SUPER BOWL IS A TOTALLY INSPIRED
LDS EVENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – As a result of inspiration, Mormon, Lee Johnson's 63-yard punt, in Super Bowl XXIII, was the longest punt in Super Bowl history.
2 – Former Cougar. Jim McMahon -- from church inspired school, BYU -- was responsible for two rushing touchdowns in Super Bowl XX, holding second place in all-time touchdowns scored and rushing touchdowns in a Super Bowl game.
3 - In this year's Super Bowl, Seattle has two former BYU coaches and one former BYU player on its team. The Pittsburgh Steelers have three former BYU defensive linemen on its team.
4 – Mormon, Fred Brown, invented Detroit’s Ford Field Stadium.
5 – Mormon, Sylia Stansworth, designed the seats in the stadium.
6 - Mormon, Philo T. Farnsworth, invented the television so that four billion people all over the world can watch the Super Bowl.
7 – Former friend of many Mormons, Orville B. Redenbacher invented popcorn so we would all have something to eat while watching the game.
8 – Claymation commericials were designed by a company in Provo.
9 – Clydesdale horses were trained by former Mormon, Sonja Johnson.
10 – The air inside the Goodyear Blimp is personally filled by a close friend of Orin Hatch, Ted Kennedy.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
RIGHTFUL BREAKING NEWS: LDS BILL OF RIGHTS
TOP TEN LDS BILL OF RIGHTS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - I have the right to sit in the same seat at church because it’s the only place I feel truly inspired.
2 - I have the right to keep every compassionate service dish I have received and neglected to return the last six years.
3 - I have the right to not give a lesson once a year because I’d rather talk about the Super Bowl instead.
4 - I have the right to believe I might still be going to the Celestial Kingdom, even though I just got back from Wendover.
5 - I have the right to crash anything my home teaching families might be in the middle of -- including sleeping, family parties or grandpa dying on the family couch because I believe so strongly in the home teaching program.
6 - I have the right to criticize what my neighbor does on Sunday, even though what I do on Saturday is probably worse.
7 - I have the right to put lipstick on my lips and tell the Primary children I am going to kiss them if they don’t sing because, by doing this, they actually do sing louder.
8 - I have the right to knock on my neighbor’s door, at any chosen moment, and scream, “The end of the world is here!” because this might make him want to finally take the missionary discussions.
9 - I have the right to consider myself as having read the Book or Mormon, even though I have never gotten past the “compare to Isaiah” part.
10 - I have the right to put whatever I want into the church hymnal holder because my tithing helps pay for this and it looks so much like a mini-trashcan holder too.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - I have the right to sit in the same seat at church because it’s the only place I feel truly inspired.
2 - I have the right to keep every compassionate service dish I have received and neglected to return the last six years.
3 - I have the right to not give a lesson once a year because I’d rather talk about the Super Bowl instead.
4 - I have the right to believe I might still be going to the Celestial Kingdom, even though I just got back from Wendover.
5 - I have the right to crash anything my home teaching families might be in the middle of -- including sleeping, family parties or grandpa dying on the family couch because I believe so strongly in the home teaching program.
6 - I have the right to criticize what my neighbor does on Sunday, even though what I do on Saturday is probably worse.
7 - I have the right to put lipstick on my lips and tell the Primary children I am going to kiss them if they don’t sing because, by doing this, they actually do sing louder.
8 - I have the right to knock on my neighbor’s door, at any chosen moment, and scream, “The end of the world is here!” because this might make him want to finally take the missionary discussions.
9 - I have the right to consider myself as having read the Book or Mormon, even though I have never gotten past the “compare to Isaiah” part.
10 - I have the right to put whatever I want into the church hymnal holder because my tithing helps pay for this and it looks so much like a mini-trashcan holder too.
Friday, January 27, 2006
NURSERY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ABLE
TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Sorry, but I have a bad back and I'm not supposed to pick up any children.
2 – Sorry, but I have a contagious disease and I don’t want to get any of the children sick.
3 – Sorry, but I’ll be on vacation (a vacation that was just planned).
4 – Sorry but I won’t be attending church that Sunday (a decision that was just made).
5 – I never had any kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
6 – I;ve had twelve kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
7 – Sorry, but I go to church to receive inspiration and the nursery is just not inspired.
8 – Sorry, but I get sick at the sight of snot.
9 – Sorry, but I’m afraid I might be a child abuser and I wouldn’t want to put any of the children’s physical safety in danger.
10 – Sorry, but I suffer from kleptomania and I cannot put myself in a position where I might steal the children’s toys or food or any of their other belongings.
TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Sorry, but I have a bad back and I'm not supposed to pick up any children.
2 – Sorry, but I have a contagious disease and I don’t want to get any of the children sick.
3 – Sorry, but I’ll be on vacation (a vacation that was just planned).
4 – Sorry but I won’t be attending church that Sunday (a decision that was just made).
5 – I never had any kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
6 – I;ve had twelve kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
7 – Sorry, but I go to church to receive inspiration and the nursery is just not inspired.
8 – Sorry, but I get sick at the sight of snot.
9 – Sorry, but I’m afraid I might be a child abuser and I wouldn’t want to put any of the children’s physical safety in danger.
10 – Sorry, but I suffer from kleptomania and I cannot put myself in a position where I might steal the children’s toys or food or any of their other belongings.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
ELDERLY BREAKING NEWS: TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE TOO OLD TO SERVE A MISSION
Top Ten Signs You Might Be Too Old
To Serve a Mission
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - When you say to someone, “I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, would you like to know more?” they tell you to quit yelling at them.
2 - You tell the lady at the door what a nice dog she’s holding and she says, “This isn’t a dog, this is my baby!”
3 - When an investigator gives you a treat, you take out your teeth so you can chew it better.
4 - While putting on your lipstick, you see a bumper sticker that says, "God created a few perfect heads and the rest He gave hair," and it reminds you to put on your wig.
5 - When you hear the mission rule is to be in bed by 10:00 p.m., you can’t believe it -- that’s four hours past your bedtime!
6 - Your idea of tracting is making it from your bedroom to the bathroom.
7 – While other missionaries are going crazy ‘cause they forgot their scriptures, you’re going crazy ‘cause you forgot your glasses.
8 – While other missionaries are receiving Dear Johns from their friends, you’re receiving obituary notices of your friends.
9 – To you “the gray area of the Gospel” refers to your friends in the High Priests Quorum.
10 – Teaching about not being able to remember anything that happened before this life seems trivial compared to not being able to remember anything that happened before this visit.
To Serve a Mission
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - When you say to someone, “I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, would you like to know more?” they tell you to quit yelling at them.
2 - You tell the lady at the door what a nice dog she’s holding and she says, “This isn’t a dog, this is my baby!”
3 - When an investigator gives you a treat, you take out your teeth so you can chew it better.
4 - While putting on your lipstick, you see a bumper sticker that says, "God created a few perfect heads and the rest He gave hair," and it reminds you to put on your wig.
5 - When you hear the mission rule is to be in bed by 10:00 p.m., you can’t believe it -- that’s four hours past your bedtime!
6 - Your idea of tracting is making it from your bedroom to the bathroom.
7 – While other missionaries are going crazy ‘cause they forgot their scriptures, you’re going crazy ‘cause you forgot your glasses.
8 – While other missionaries are receiving Dear Johns from their friends, you’re receiving obituary notices of your friends.
9 – To you “the gray area of the Gospel” refers to your friends in the High Priests Quorum.
10 – Teaching about not being able to remember anything that happened before this life seems trivial compared to not being able to remember anything that happened before this visit.
Friday, January 20, 2006
SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOUR TEENAGE SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GO WELL
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR TEENAGE SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GO WELL:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – When you go to open the door, you discover the students are all piled up against it to barricade you out.
2 – There’s no noise coming from your classroom, but tons of noise coming from the boy’s and girl’s restrooms.
3 - You open the door to find everyone engaged in a jabbing fight using the folding chairs.
4 – The classroom is empty, but there’s a note on the table that reads, “Ha, ha, ha, dare you to find us.”
5 - There’s so much noise in the classroom that the Sunday School Presidency opens the door and says, “I heard all this noise and thought I should check and make sure everyone is okay in here.”
6 - No one volunteers to say the opening prayer.
7 - After being rope-tied to your seat, someone says, “Now, give us the treats, or else.”
8 – The chalkboard reads, “This class stinks.”
9 – About the only religious conversation you can generate is one about a robbery that happened to one of the member’s the night before.
10 – One of the kids says they have a neat story to share about the prophet, President Bush.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – When you go to open the door, you discover the students are all piled up against it to barricade you out.
2 – There’s no noise coming from your classroom, but tons of noise coming from the boy’s and girl’s restrooms.
3 - You open the door to find everyone engaged in a jabbing fight using the folding chairs.
4 – The classroom is empty, but there’s a note on the table that reads, “Ha, ha, ha, dare you to find us.”
5 - There’s so much noise in the classroom that the Sunday School Presidency opens the door and says, “I heard all this noise and thought I should check and make sure everyone is okay in here.”
6 - No one volunteers to say the opening prayer.
7 - After being rope-tied to your seat, someone says, “Now, give us the treats, or else.”
8 – The chalkboard reads, “This class stinks.”
9 – About the only religious conversation you can generate is one about a robbery that happened to one of the member’s the night before.
10 – One of the kids says they have a neat story to share about the prophet, President Bush.
Friday, January 13, 2006
TREAT BREAKING NEWS: APPROPRIATE TREATS TO SERVE IN PRIMARY BECAUSE THEY ARE FOUND IN THE SCRIPTURES
Appropriate Treats to Serve in Primary Because They Are Found in the Scriptures!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Apple: Found in the Bible: Apple eaten in the Garden of Eden
2 - Bread: Found in the Bible: Bread of life
3 – Bit ‘o Honey: Found in the Bible: Land flowed with milk and honey.
4 - Baby Ruth: Found in the Bible: A baby lying in a…
5 - Sunny Delight: Found in the Bible: God created the sun.
6 - Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: Found in the Bible: I will take the cup of salvation.
7 – King-sized M&Ms: Found in the Bible: King Herod
8 – Ham and Turkey Sandwich: Found in the Book of Mormon: And it came to pass…
9 – Bar-be-qued steaks: Found in the Bible: Be thou…
10 - Lunch at McDonald’s: Found in the Bible: And begat Terah…
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Apple: Found in the Bible: Apple eaten in the Garden of Eden
2 - Bread: Found in the Bible: Bread of life
3 – Bit ‘o Honey: Found in the Bible: Land flowed with milk and honey.
4 - Baby Ruth: Found in the Bible: A baby lying in a…
5 - Sunny Delight: Found in the Bible: God created the sun.
6 - Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: Found in the Bible: I will take the cup of salvation.
7 – King-sized M&Ms: Found in the Bible: King Herod
8 – Ham and Turkey Sandwich: Found in the Book of Mormon: And it came to pass…
9 – Bar-be-qued steaks: Found in the Bible: Be thou…
10 - Lunch at McDonald’s: Found in the Bible: And begat Terah…
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
LIBRARY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT RETURNING MATERIALS TO THE LIBRARY ON TIME
Top Ten Excuses
for Not Returning Library Materials
to the Library on Time
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – “I’ll bring it next week.” (This comment is repeated every week until person is no longer in the ward.)
2 – “I had a non member friend who was so interested in seeing that video that I gave it to him.”
3 – “I thought we got to keep anything the library gave us.”
4 – “I’ll be honest. I had one magazine for each month of last year, but I was missing that magazine to complete my set, so, I’m sure the ward will understand.”
5 – “I am sooooo sorry. My baby drooled all over it, then ripped it to shreds last week in Sacrament meeting.”
6 – “Oh shoot. I used that picture of Samuel the Lamanite as a liner in one of the boxes I packed last week for our upcoming move.”
7 – “Some of the kids asked, so I told them they could take those scissors home.”
8 – “My daughter put that picture of Nephi up in her room.”
9 – “Every time I remember to bring the materials, the library is always closed.”
10- “I gave all of those materials to Brother Simmons and he said he would return them.”
for Not Returning Library Materials
to the Library on Time
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – “I’ll bring it next week.” (This comment is repeated every week until person is no longer in the ward.)
2 – “I had a non member friend who was so interested in seeing that video that I gave it to him.”
3 – “I thought we got to keep anything the library gave us.”
4 – “I’ll be honest. I had one magazine for each month of last year, but I was missing that magazine to complete my set, so, I’m sure the ward will understand.”
5 – “I am sooooo sorry. My baby drooled all over it, then ripped it to shreds last week in Sacrament meeting.”
6 – “Oh shoot. I used that picture of Samuel the Lamanite as a liner in one of the boxes I packed last week for our upcoming move.”
7 – “Some of the kids asked, so I told them they could take those scissors home.”
8 – “My daughter put that picture of Nephi up in her room.”
9 – “Every time I remember to bring the materials, the library is always closed.”
10- “I gave all of those materials to Brother Simmons and he said he would return them.”
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
SIGN-UP SHEET ETIQUETTE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN TIPS FOR SIGN-UP SHEET ETIQUETTE
Top Ten Tips for Sign-Up Sheet Etiquette:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Make sure to never intentionally steal the pen that goes with the sign-up sheet.
2. Never jab the person next to you in his or her upper arm with the clip-board.
3. Sign only one name at a time, and only for the person who is truly in attendance.
4. Be careful not to make so much noise shuffling through all of the sign-up sheets that people become distracted by your actions.
5. Never erase another person’s name to put your name in that person’s place for an assignment you would rather have than the only one’s that's left available.
6. Never take the Sign-up sheet(s) home with you.
7. Never take the Sign-up sheet clipboard home with you, even though you think it’s cute and could really, really use it.
8. Never look at all of the other names on the list and match them up with the people in the room to find out who refused to sign the sign-up sheet.
9. Only sign your real name and not the name of a famous actor or actress.
10. Make sure to rotate the list around the room in the direction it has been going to avoid sending the entire classroom into complete, utter and nearly irreversible confusion.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Make sure to never intentionally steal the pen that goes with the sign-up sheet.
2. Never jab the person next to you in his or her upper arm with the clip-board.
3. Sign only one name at a time, and only for the person who is truly in attendance.
4. Be careful not to make so much noise shuffling through all of the sign-up sheets that people become distracted by your actions.
5. Never erase another person’s name to put your name in that person’s place for an assignment you would rather have than the only one’s that's left available.
6. Never take the Sign-up sheet(s) home with you.
7. Never take the Sign-up sheet clipboard home with you, even though you think it’s cute and could really, really use it.
8. Never look at all of the other names on the list and match them up with the people in the room to find out who refused to sign the sign-up sheet.
9. Only sign your real name and not the name of a famous actor or actress.
10. Make sure to rotate the list around the room in the direction it has been going to avoid sending the entire classroom into complete, utter and nearly irreversible confusion.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Never Before Heard Responses Breaking News: Top Things Never Before Said in Response to Being Called as the Nest Ward Gospel Doctrine Teacher
Top Things Never Before Said in Response to Being Called as the Next Ward Gospel Doctrine Teacher:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – I guess this means I have to start coming back to church, right?
2 - But I really don’t know anything about the Bible or the Book of Narmon.
3 - I want you to know, Bishop, that I’ve been anticipating this job for a very long time because of my incredible depth of knowledge and unbelievable scriptural insight that has helped me far exceed everyone else in the Ward around me when it comes to correct gospel doctrine.
4 – Yes, I’d certainly be willing to try this… the day after I kick my smoking habit.
5 – But, I just heard on the news this morning that they were doing away with Sunday School.
6 – Teaching the doctrine is not what I have a hard time with, it’s, WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?
7 – Oh yes! I just got Power Point and can’t wait to use it.
8 – Sure. Now, this is the class for investigators, right?
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – I guess this means I have to start coming back to church, right?
2 - But I really don’t know anything about the Bible or the Book of Narmon.
3 - I want you to know, Bishop, that I’ve been anticipating this job for a very long time because of my incredible depth of knowledge and unbelievable scriptural insight that has helped me far exceed everyone else in the Ward around me when it comes to correct gospel doctrine.
4 – Yes, I’d certainly be willing to try this… the day after I kick my smoking habit.
5 – But, I just heard on the news this morning that they were doing away with Sunday School.
6 – Teaching the doctrine is not what I have a hard time with, it’s, WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?
7 – Oh yes! I just got Power Point and can’t wait to use it.
8 – Sure. Now, this is the class for investigators, right?
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Tithing Settlement Breaking News: Top Ten Things LDS People Fear Discovering at Their Annual Tithing Settlement
TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE FEAR DISCOVERING
AT THEIR ANNUAL TITHING SETTLEMENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. That someone found their tithing settlement statement -- which only included part of their tithing payments -- on the floor of the church foyer.
2. That between the church records and their records, they really are $3,000.00 behind.
3. That as long as they are are at their tithing settlement, the Bishopric would like to go ahead and extend a new calling to them as the next Ward Camp Director.
4. That they really are behind in paying a full tithing and it’s too late to submit any more donations.
5. That they thought they paid every month, but they really only paid every other month.
6. That the make-up check they submitted last week bounced.
7. That the Bishop was suddenly hospitalized and turned tithing settlement over to a man they would prefer never know how much money they earn annually.
8. That their tithing is paid in full, but complaints have been received regarding their children's behaviors.
9. That the Bishop’s door was accidentally left ajar during their entire tithing settlement.
10. That they show up for their appointment only to find no one there, and discover tithing settlement is over and everyone they need to settle up with is out of town until after the New Year.
AT THEIR ANNUAL TITHING SETTLEMENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. That someone found their tithing settlement statement -- which only included part of their tithing payments -- on the floor of the church foyer.
2. That between the church records and their records, they really are $3,000.00 behind.
3. That as long as they are are at their tithing settlement, the Bishopric would like to go ahead and extend a new calling to them as the next Ward Camp Director.
4. That they really are behind in paying a full tithing and it’s too late to submit any more donations.
5. That they thought they paid every month, but they really only paid every other month.
6. That the make-up check they submitted last week bounced.
7. That the Bishop was suddenly hospitalized and turned tithing settlement over to a man they would prefer never know how much money they earn annually.
8. That their tithing is paid in full, but complaints have been received regarding their children's behaviors.
9. That the Bishop’s door was accidentally left ajar during their entire tithing settlement.
10. That they show up for their appointment only to find no one there, and discover tithing settlement is over and everyone they need to settle up with is out of town until after the New Year.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
HAPPYNEWYEAR BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always make:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created here on the face of the Earth!
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always break:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created on the face of the Earth.
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always make:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created here on the face of the Earth!
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always break:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created on the face of the Earth.
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
Friday, December 23, 2005
YULETIDE BREAKING NEWS: LDS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS
LDS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Billy, the Red-nosed Nursery Kid
A Christmas Story About Why I Was Unable to Spend the Holidays With My Family in Florida Because I Couldn't Find a Substitute for My Class
I’m Dreaming of a Red and Green Jell-o Christmas
It’s a Wonderful Life on Prozac
Christmas Vacation with the Steed Family
The Grinch Who Keeps Stealing Church Magazines out of the Library Needs to Bring Them Back!
Home for the Holidays Instead of Doing My Home Teaching
A Genealogy Christmas Carol With All of Your Long, Lost Relatives -- Past, Present and Future
A Very Brady Christmas and Other Polygamist Hairstyles
The Bishop’s Wife Sits Alone Every Sunday at Church
Miracle on 34th Street That No One Ever Gets Ticketed on Their Way to Church
The Nutcracker, Nuts and Other Food Storage Items No Food Storage Should Be Without
The Polar Bear High Priest Who Took So Long to Express His Opinion in Sunday School Class That Eventually Everyone Left To Go To Their Next Meeting
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Billy, the Red-nosed Nursery Kid
A Christmas Story About Why I Was Unable to Spend the Holidays With My Family in Florida Because I Couldn't Find a Substitute for My Class
I’m Dreaming of a Red and Green Jell-o Christmas
It’s a Wonderful Life on Prozac
Christmas Vacation with the Steed Family
The Grinch Who Keeps Stealing Church Magazines out of the Library Needs to Bring Them Back!
Home for the Holidays Instead of Doing My Home Teaching
A Genealogy Christmas Carol With All of Your Long, Lost Relatives -- Past, Present and Future
A Very Brady Christmas and Other Polygamist Hairstyles
The Bishop’s Wife Sits Alone Every Sunday at Church
Miracle on 34th Street That No One Ever Gets Ticketed on Their Way to Church
The Nutcracker, Nuts and Other Food Storage Items No Food Storage Should Be Without
The Polar Bear High Priest Who Took So Long to Express His Opinion in Sunday School Class That Eventually Everyone Left To Go To Their Next Meeting
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
CAROLING BREAKING NEWS: LDS CHRISTMAS CAROLS
LDS CHRISTMAS CAROLS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
DECK THE HALLS
Deck the cultural hall with pows and vollies,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
‘Tis the season for shucks and gollies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our sports apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Getting’ ready for some church ball peril,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing bro’s before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the ref and join the ruckus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the Ward’s sportsmanship treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Go up in smoke for one team’s measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast forward to more shots and passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail there’s a new ref, lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
But this one’s not like all the others
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
This one’s one of the player’s mothers!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
FAMILY HOME EVENING'S COMIN' TONIGHT
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
A list is being made about this and that;
Complaints about the fam all the way down to the cat
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight.
We know we're supposed to give,
We know we're supposed to take,
But it’s not about all of this,
It’s Family Home Evening for goodness sake!
Oh, you better get scared, you better toughen up
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
DECK THE HALLS
Deck the cultural hall with pows and vollies,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
‘Tis the season for shucks and gollies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our sports apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Getting’ ready for some church ball peril,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing bro’s before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the ref and join the ruckus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the Ward’s sportsmanship treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Go up in smoke for one team’s measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast forward to more shots and passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail there’s a new ref, lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
But this one’s not like all the others
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
This one’s one of the player’s mothers!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
FAMILY HOME EVENING'S COMIN' TONIGHT
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
A list is being made about this and that;
Complaints about the fam all the way down to the cat
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight.
We know we're supposed to give,
We know we're supposed to take,
But it’s not about all of this,
It’s Family Home Evening for goodness sake!
Oh, you better get scared, you better toughen up
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
OCCUPATIONAL BREAKING NEWS: LDS OCCUPATIONAL DEATH POSTINGS
LDS OCCUPATIONAL-DEATH POSTINGS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Old Genealogists never die, they just fill in all their blanks.
Old Scrapbookers never die, they just reach the end of their tape.
Old Primary choristers never die, they just hold that one last note.
Old Sunday School teachers never die, they just end up boring themselves to death.
Old Scoutmasters never die, they just put out that one last fire.
Old Home Teachers never die, they just finally made that one visit .. to Heaven.
Old Organists never die, they just put their foot down.
Old Executive Secretaries never die, they just scheduled a meeting in Heaven.
Old Relief Society Presidents never die, their casserole just finally became fully baked.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Old Genealogists never die, they just fill in all their blanks.
Old Scrapbookers never die, they just reach the end of their tape.
Old Primary choristers never die, they just hold that one last note.
Old Sunday School teachers never die, they just end up boring themselves to death.
Old Scoutmasters never die, they just put out that one last fire.
Old Home Teachers never die, they just finally made that one visit .. to Heaven.
Old Organists never die, they just put their foot down.
Old Executive Secretaries never die, they just scheduled a meeting in Heaven.
Old Relief Society Presidents never die, their casserole just finally became fully baked.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
POLITICALLY CORRECT BREAKING NEWS: FINALLY POLITICALLY CORRECT NAMES FOR CALLINGS AND OTHER FOCUSED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
FINALLY!!! POLITICALLY CORRECT DEFINITIONS OF CALLINGS AND OTHER FOCUSED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Can you guess who each of these are (answers are listed below):
1 - Especially in Confined Environments of Lengthy Verbiage, a Consciously Challenged, Deceased-mimmicking Elderly Male Subject is also known as the Ward:
2 - An Extreme Behavioral Coordinator Over Adolescent Male Management Issues is also known as the Ward:
3 - The Executive Director of a Substantially Enormous Group of Religiously, Mentally, Socially, Physically, Intellectually, Financially and Culturally Malformed Mortals of Celestial Potential is also known as the Ward:
4 - A Permanently Medicinalized Female Hominidae Voluntarily Subjected to the Benefaction of a Population of Other Equally Permanently Prescriptionalized Females is also known as the Ward:
5 - A Homo Sapian Capable of Only Minimal Sojourns to Regional Familial Abodes is also known as the Ward:
6 - A Chronic Acquirer of Aggregate Details of the Anciently Deceased is also known as the Ward.
7 - A Female Sibling of the LDS Religious Environment Possessing an Addictive Quality to Massive Adhesive and Parchment Products for Purpose of an Unknown Reason is also known as the Ward.
8 - An Anxiety-ridden Individual Containing Massive Proportions of Catastrophic Information Regarding the Possible Ceasement of Society is also known as the Ward:
2 - Scoutmaster
3 - Bishop
4 - Relief Society President
5 - Home Teacher
6 - Genealogist
7 - Scrapbooker
8 - Last Days Expert
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Can you guess who each of these are (answers are listed below):
1 - Especially in Confined Environments of Lengthy Verbiage, a Consciously Challenged, Deceased-mimmicking Elderly Male Subject is also known as the Ward:
2 - An Extreme Behavioral Coordinator Over Adolescent Male Management Issues is also known as the Ward:
3 - The Executive Director of a Substantially Enormous Group of Religiously, Mentally, Socially, Physically, Intellectually, Financially and Culturally Malformed Mortals of Celestial Potential is also known as the Ward:
4 - A Permanently Medicinalized Female Hominidae Voluntarily Subjected to the Benefaction of a Population of Other Equally Permanently Prescriptionalized Females is also known as the Ward:
5 - A Homo Sapian Capable of Only Minimal Sojourns to Regional Familial Abodes is also known as the Ward:
6 - A Chronic Acquirer of Aggregate Details of the Anciently Deceased is also known as the Ward.
7 - A Female Sibling of the LDS Religious Environment Possessing an Addictive Quality to Massive Adhesive and Parchment Products for Purpose of an Unknown Reason is also known as the Ward.
8 - An Anxiety-ridden Individual Containing Massive Proportions of Catastrophic Information Regarding the Possible Ceasement of Society is also known as the Ward:
1- High Priest
2 - Scoutmaster
3 - Bishop
4 - Relief Society President
5 - Home Teacher
6 - Genealogist
7 - Scrapbooker
8 - Last Days Expert
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
WE ALL FALL SHORT BREAKING NEWS: NOT WORKING WITH A FULL DECK-ISMS, LDS STYLE
NOT WORKING WITH A FULL DECK-ISMS, LDS STYLE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Sometimes, we all fall short of full capacity. It's just that in the LDS church, we have our own "not working with a full deck-isms," like:
That Primary President functions two squares short of a full candy bar!
That High Councilman’s talk is one breath short of a quick death!
Those scouts are all one match short of a full explosion!
It’s clear that scrapbooker’s tape doesn’t reach all the way to the end!
That Elder’s Quorum President functions one truck stop short of a full family move!
That Choir Director’s baton definitely doesn’t reach all the way to the top!
Those Relief Society sisters function one can short of a full diet Coke six-pack!
Those genealogists definitely don’t have all their pedigree blanks filled in!
Those Sunday School teachers are definitely not working with a full manual!
That Welfare Specialist is one barrel short of a full year’s supply of food!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Sometimes, we all fall short of full capacity. It's just that in the LDS church, we have our own "not working with a full deck-isms," like:
That Primary President functions two squares short of a full candy bar!
That High Councilman’s talk is one breath short of a quick death!
Those scouts are all one match short of a full explosion!
It’s clear that scrapbooker’s tape doesn’t reach all the way to the end!
That Elder’s Quorum President functions one truck stop short of a full family move!
That Choir Director’s baton definitely doesn’t reach all the way to the top!
Those Relief Society sisters function one can short of a full diet Coke six-pack!
Those genealogists definitely don’t have all their pedigree blanks filled in!
Those Sunday School teachers are definitely not working with a full manual!
That Welfare Specialist is one barrel short of a full year’s supply of food!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
JUST IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING BREAKING NEWS: OTHER THINGS LDS PEOPLE ARE GRATEFUL FOR
JUST IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING:
OTHER THINGS LDS PEOPLE ARE GRATEFUL FOR:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Like everyone else, LDS people are grateful for such things as the family, prayer, the scriptures, plus the Gospel, temples, a prophet and many more things that enrich our lives continually. But, many times, we, too, forget to be grateful for the other things that make our life wonderful, like:
Sugar
Ward directories
A clock in the chapel
Easels that work
Illnesses that are minor, but sufficient enough to cancel teaching a class.
General Conference Sundays (Where laying on a couch eating munchies while attending church is acceptable.)
Padded pews
Mega-sized vacuum cleaners to vacuum those huge cultural halls.
Church dumpsters
The day after Young Women’s or Scout camp.
Knowing the Bishop is human too
Babies (or children) who are more disruptive than one’s own
That there is a space provided directly behind the pulpit, large enough for a fainting person to fall between, should something unforeseen happen.
Short church talks
Delicious treats
Short prayers
Hymn books within reach of the seat you're sitting in
Disposable casserole dishes
Have a fantastic and a very Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy all the fruits (meat, vegetables and desserts) this wonderful Gospel provides!
OTHER THINGS LDS PEOPLE ARE GRATEFUL FOR:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Like everyone else, LDS people are grateful for such things as the family, prayer, the scriptures, plus the Gospel, temples, a prophet and many more things that enrich our lives continually. But, many times, we, too, forget to be grateful for the other things that make our life wonderful, like:
Sugar
Ward directories
A clock in the chapel
Easels that work
Illnesses that are minor, but sufficient enough to cancel teaching a class.
General Conference Sundays (Where laying on a couch eating munchies while attending church is acceptable.)
Padded pews
Mega-sized vacuum cleaners to vacuum those huge cultural halls.
Church dumpsters
The day after Young Women’s or Scout camp.
Knowing the Bishop is human too
Babies (or children) who are more disruptive than one’s own
That there is a space provided directly behind the pulpit, large enough for a fainting person to fall between, should something unforeseen happen.
Short church talks
Delicious treats
Short prayers
Hymn books within reach of the seat you're sitting in
Disposable casserole dishes
Have a fantastic and a very Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy all the fruits (meat, vegetables and desserts) this wonderful Gospel provides!
Monday, November 21, 2005
OH MY HECK BREAKING NEWS: THE IMPACT OF THE DAY AFTER THE BYU/UOFU GAME IN THE LDS CHURCH
THE MOST PECULIAR DAY OF THE YEAR
IN THE LDS CHURCH
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Once a year, members of the LDS church
(ah-hem, mostly men)
try to recreate a moment from the Book of Mormon:
The Nephite/Lamanite rivalry.
During this dispensation of time, the battle is known as:
THE BYU/UofU FOOTBALL GAME!!!
And it came to pass that, this year again, nearly all of the campus, as well as the entire city of Provo, was shrink-wrapped to avoid any possibility of vandalism—another tactic used by these secret combination wannabees.
Inside the stadium, the fans go crazy. Even though most of them are LDS, you wouldn't know it by watching 'em. For a day, these fans make the people in the great and spacious building, or soccer fans, look like model citizens as the two sides point and jeer and yell and scream at each other (no profanities, and it is mostly popcorn and Tic Tacs that are thrown). If there is anything virtuous, lovely or praiseworthy, it is not going to be found in this arena -- where the two teams of stripling warriors fight to the death (while their mothers watch) to avoid letting a poor, little pig-skinned ball make it over the finish line. Boo-hoo.
And when it is all over…oh no…sorry…excuse me….it is never all over when it comes to this rivalry, because boys will be boys ... meaning, the next day, at church, these men of spiritually high places turn to complete clowns as they continue to fight for the team they support.
And the results are as follows:
(For those of you, around the world, who don’t know what happens after the phenomenon of a BYU/UofU football game, here are some of the follow-up statistics from yesterday’s game in which the U of U won, 41 to 34 in an Armageddon overtime--okay, maybe there is a bit (alot) of happyjellybean exaggeration influence here):
In at least 50 Wards in Salt Lake City, the Bishop wore a red (UofU) tie while, in Provo, at least 50 Bishops wore a blue (BYU) tie.
In at least 50 Elder’s Quorums, the Elder’s Quorum President wore a red sweater in Salt Lake City while, in Provo, at least 50 Elder’s Quorum Presidents wore a blue sweater.
In Murray, UT (this is true) one guy Murray, wears an entire two-piece red suit! And this is not a Santa suit! This is a four-buttoned cuff, flaming red suit.
In at least 1,000 wards all over the world, the BYU/UofU football game was referenced at some point during yesterday’s three-hour block, either during a talk in Sacrament meeting, during Sunday School, or Priesthood.
At least 30 LDS parents dressed their kids in either a BYU cheerleader or a U of U cheerleader outfit for the nursery -- pom-poms included.
In at least 200 Wards, 2,000 Primary kids yelled, “Go Utes,” or “Go BYU,” during Sharing Time.
In one Ward, in one Ward choir, while the closing hymn was being sung, one faithful saint on the back row of the choir (unbeknownst to the bishopric) held up a small sign that read, “The U of U is Number One!”
In another Ward, when the hymnbooks were opened, a post-it note was stuck to the opening song page that read, “BYU is Number One!”
In at least 27 Wards in the church, a few faces were still painted blue and white or red and white.
In at least 32 Wards in the church, there was still the faint color of red or blue in some of the LDS member’s hair.
In at least 5 Wards, a child gave a Primary talk about crossing the goal line of life, using the BYU/U of U football game as an example of what it takes to win.
In at least 102 Wards, 102 men were not able to attend church as a result of their team losing. :(
In at least 12 Wards, someone prayed for the BYU football team during the opening or closing prayer.
IN THE LDS CHURCH
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Once a year, members of the LDS church
(ah-hem, mostly men)
try to recreate a moment from the Book of Mormon:
The Nephite/Lamanite rivalry.
During this dispensation of time, the battle is known as:
THE BYU/UofU FOOTBALL GAME!!!
And it came to pass that, this year again, nearly all of the campus, as well as the entire city of Provo, was shrink-wrapped to avoid any possibility of vandalism—another tactic used by these secret combination wannabees.
Inside the stadium, the fans go crazy. Even though most of them are LDS, you wouldn't know it by watching 'em. For a day, these fans make the people in the great and spacious building, or soccer fans, look like model citizens as the two sides point and jeer and yell and scream at each other (no profanities, and it is mostly popcorn and Tic Tacs that are thrown). If there is anything virtuous, lovely or praiseworthy, it is not going to be found in this arena -- where the two teams of stripling warriors fight to the death (while their mothers watch) to avoid letting a poor, little pig-skinned ball make it over the finish line. Boo-hoo.
And when it is all over…oh no…sorry…excuse me….it is never all over when it comes to this rivalry, because boys will be boys ... meaning, the next day, at church, these men of spiritually high places turn to complete clowns as they continue to fight for the team they support.
And the results are as follows:
(For those of you, around the world, who don’t know what happens after the phenomenon of a BYU/UofU football game, here are some of the follow-up statistics from yesterday’s game in which the U of U won, 41 to 34 in an Armageddon overtime--okay, maybe there is a bit (alot) of happyjellybean exaggeration influence here):
In at least 50 Wards in Salt Lake City, the Bishop wore a red (UofU) tie while, in Provo, at least 50 Bishops wore a blue (BYU) tie.
In at least 50 Elder’s Quorums, the Elder’s Quorum President wore a red sweater in Salt Lake City while, in Provo, at least 50 Elder’s Quorum Presidents wore a blue sweater.
In Murray, UT (this is true) one guy Murray, wears an entire two-piece red suit! And this is not a Santa suit! This is a four-buttoned cuff, flaming red suit.
In at least 1,000 wards all over the world, the BYU/UofU football game was referenced at some point during yesterday’s three-hour block, either during a talk in Sacrament meeting, during Sunday School, or Priesthood.
At least 30 LDS parents dressed their kids in either a BYU cheerleader or a U of U cheerleader outfit for the nursery -- pom-poms included.
In at least 200 Wards, 2,000 Primary kids yelled, “Go Utes,” or “Go BYU,” during Sharing Time.
In one Ward, in one Ward choir, while the closing hymn was being sung, one faithful saint on the back row of the choir (unbeknownst to the bishopric) held up a small sign that read, “The U of U is Number One!”
In another Ward, when the hymnbooks were opened, a post-it note was stuck to the opening song page that read, “BYU is Number One!”
In at least 27 Wards in the church, a few faces were still painted blue and white or red and white.
In at least 32 Wards in the church, there was still the faint color of red or blue in some of the LDS member’s hair.
In at least 5 Wards, a child gave a Primary talk about crossing the goal line of life, using the BYU/U of U football game as an example of what it takes to win.
In at least 102 Wards, 102 men were not able to attend church as a result of their team losing. :(
In at least 12 Wards, someone prayed for the BYU football team during the opening or closing prayer.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
PRE-THANKSGIVING DELIGHT BREAKING NEWS: FOODS THAT WILL BE EATEN IN HEAVEN
With Thanksgiving Just Around the Corner …
If Mormons Had Their Say...
Foods That Will Be Eaten in Heaven:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Celestial Kingdom:
Meat: Beef
Potato: Funeral potatoes
Fruit: Grapes (hey, these are in the scriptures!)
Vegetable: Corn (Reference: Ears of corn mentioned in scriptures)
Drink: Sprite (sorry, Coke and Pepsi are not available here)
Candy: See’s chocolates, Snickers, m&m’s, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey Bars, Life Savers, Tic Tacs
Other: Cheerios, Cheetos, Cheesecake, Kettle-corn popcorn
Terrestrial Kingdom:
Meat: Chicken
Potato: Mashed potatoes
Fruit: Apricots, dried fruit style (weren’t these in the scriptures too?)
Vegetable: Green Bean Casserole
Drink: Root Beer (Sorry, Coke and Pepsi are not available here either)
Candy: Werther’s caramels, Milky Way bars, Three Musketeers, Strawberry-flavored Mentos,
Other: Mega-butter popcorn, Fritos, Beef Jerky, Sunflower seeds
Telestial Kingdom:
Meat: Pork
Potato: Baked Potato French fries, potato chips, or Tator Tots
Fruit: Watermelon (How many of you want to go to the T-kingdom now, just because of this?)
Vegetable: Carrots, Broccoli, Peas,
Drink: Coke or Pepsi (Drink up!)
Candy: Big Hunks, Almond Joys, Mounds, Skittles
Outer Darkness:
Meat: Spam, Pig’s Feet, Hot Dogs, Liver
Potato: Mashed potatoes with the skins still on them
Drink: Ginger Ale or Egg Nog
Fruit: Lemon
Vegetable: Egg plant
Candy: Orange Sticks or Spudnut, Dots
Other foods: Rice patties
If Mormons Had Their Say...
Foods That Will Be Eaten in Heaven:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Celestial Kingdom:
Meat: Beef
Potato: Funeral potatoes
Fruit: Grapes (hey, these are in the scriptures!)
Vegetable: Corn (Reference: Ears of corn mentioned in scriptures)
Drink: Sprite (sorry, Coke and Pepsi are not available here)
Candy: See’s chocolates, Snickers, m&m’s, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey Bars, Life Savers, Tic Tacs
Other: Cheerios, Cheetos, Cheesecake, Kettle-corn popcorn
Terrestrial Kingdom:
Meat: Chicken
Potato: Mashed potatoes
Fruit: Apricots, dried fruit style (weren’t these in the scriptures too?)
Vegetable: Green Bean Casserole
Drink: Root Beer (Sorry, Coke and Pepsi are not available here either)
Candy: Werther’s caramels, Milky Way bars, Three Musketeers, Strawberry-flavored Mentos,
Other: Mega-butter popcorn, Fritos, Beef Jerky, Sunflower seeds
Telestial Kingdom:
Meat: Pork
Potato: Baked Potato French fries, potato chips, or Tator Tots
Fruit: Watermelon (How many of you want to go to the T-kingdom now, just because of this?)
Vegetable: Carrots, Broccoli, Peas,
Drink: Coke or Pepsi (Drink up!)
Candy: Big Hunks, Almond Joys, Mounds, Skittles
Outer Darkness:
Meat: Spam, Pig’s Feet, Hot Dogs, Liver
Potato: Mashed potatoes with the skins still on them
Drink: Ginger Ale or Egg Nog
Fruit: Lemon
Vegetable: Egg plant
Candy: Orange Sticks or Spudnut, Dots
Other foods: Rice patties
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS CRACKS 10,000 HITS WITH LDS TELEVISION VIEWING HABITS
In honor of happyjellybeans going over the 10,000 mark, today a double posting will be made on happyjellybeans. CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE AND THANK YOU!!!!
happyjellybeans was featured on the front page of the Close-up section of The Salt Lake Tribune on Friday, November 11, 2005. To see the story, just click on the following link:
http://sltrib.com/sandy/ci_3202625
THANK YOU ALL, AGAIN!!!
Where Do You Fit In?
Can Television Really Rate Where You Are in Your Eternal Progression?
Rate Yourself Now
on the LDS Sabbath Day Television Viewing Habits Scale:
Group Number One: NO TELEVISION WATCHING AT ALL – THE TELEVISION IS COOL TO THE TOUCH – NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT, MISSES IT OR IS EVEN TEMPTED TO GO NEAR IT:
Rating: 100 points.
Congratulate yourself. You are going to Heaven. And the best part of all, Geraldo Rivera will not be there to broadcast the news, nor will Donald Trump be there to bother us (oops, I mean you) with any of his stupid new, shows.
Group Number Two: TELEVISION VIEWING IS ACCEPTABLE, BUT ONLY CHURCH MOVIES, VIDEOS, CONFERENCE, TALKS, ETC.:
Rating: 98 points.
Congratulate yourself. You, too, will make it into Heaven. And you will be coveted by all of those people in Group One who actually thought their absolutely- no-television-watching-in-my-home habit would be a one-up on you.
Group Number Three: THE WATCHING OF LDS SHOW, PLUS OTHER RELIGIOUS SHOWS:
Rating: 70 points.
You still might be able to go to Heaven, but the jury is still not out on this one, even though you believe you will be going. Why? Because you believe that while you might be sinning in the eyes of Group Number One, your habit of watching such "Televangelist” shows as The Crystal Cathedral, are still of a religious nature.
Group Number Four: MEET THE PRESS:
50 points.
Uh oh, going to Heaven might be looking a little risky at this point. However, you believe that your loyalty to our country might save you and that it is our duty to be informed voters, concerned citizens and full-time supporters of the twelfth Article of Faith, even though you couldn't recite this article if your life depended on it.
Group Number Five: ESPN:
49 points.
While you’re not all-out watching total sports, you have really drifted away from Groups Number One – Three, even though you don't see any difference in watching Meet The Press or ESPN. So, as far as you’re concerned, where ever Group Number Four goes, you go.
Group Number Six: NFL FOOTBALL:
Now you’re talking! Oops, I mean, 40 points.
You have really drifted away from the island of television purity. Even though you’d like to justify your habits by saying you are supporting your priesthood brethren, this does not fly in the face of Group Number One. You might have to start doing your genealogy or be 100 percent in your home teaching to make up for this one.
Group Number Seven: COPS.
K, now, you are way out there. 0 points.
There is no way in Heaven that Heaven has a place for people who enjoy sitting in a chair, eating popcorn while watching the lowest forms of life being handcuffed and hauled off to jail (unless it's a former missionary compainion). You might have to agree to be the Ward Scoutmaster to make up for this one!
When it is all said and done, where does television fit into the big picture (no pun intended)? Only you can decide for yourself.
happyjellybeans was featured on the front page of the Close-up section of The Salt Lake Tribune on Friday, November 11, 2005. To see the story, just click on the following link:
http://sltrib.com/sandy/ci_3202625
THANK YOU ALL, AGAIN!!!
Where Do You Fit In?
Can Television Really Rate Where You Are in Your Eternal Progression?
Rate Yourself Now
on the LDS Sabbath Day Television Viewing Habits Scale:
Group Number One: NO TELEVISION WATCHING AT ALL – THE TELEVISION IS COOL TO THE TOUCH – NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT, MISSES IT OR IS EVEN TEMPTED TO GO NEAR IT:
Rating: 100 points.
Congratulate yourself. You are going to Heaven. And the best part of all, Geraldo Rivera will not be there to broadcast the news, nor will Donald Trump be there to bother us (oops, I mean you) with any of his stupid new, shows.
Group Number Two: TELEVISION VIEWING IS ACCEPTABLE, BUT ONLY CHURCH MOVIES, VIDEOS, CONFERENCE, TALKS, ETC.:
Rating: 98 points.
Congratulate yourself. You, too, will make it into Heaven. And you will be coveted by all of those people in Group One who actually thought their absolutely- no-television-watching-in-my-home habit would be a one-up on you.
Group Number Three: THE WATCHING OF LDS SHOW, PLUS OTHER RELIGIOUS SHOWS:
Rating: 70 points.
You still might be able to go to Heaven, but the jury is still not out on this one, even though you believe you will be going. Why? Because you believe that while you might be sinning in the eyes of Group Number One, your habit of watching such "Televangelist” shows as The Crystal Cathedral, are still of a religious nature.
Group Number Four: MEET THE PRESS:
50 points.
Uh oh, going to Heaven might be looking a little risky at this point. However, you believe that your loyalty to our country might save you and that it is our duty to be informed voters, concerned citizens and full-time supporters of the twelfth Article of Faith, even though you couldn't recite this article if your life depended on it.
Group Number Five: ESPN:
49 points.
While you’re not all-out watching total sports, you have really drifted away from Groups Number One – Three, even though you don't see any difference in watching Meet The Press or ESPN. So, as far as you’re concerned, where ever Group Number Four goes, you go.
Group Number Six: NFL FOOTBALL:
Now you’re talking! Oops, I mean, 40 points.
You have really drifted away from the island of television purity. Even though you’d like to justify your habits by saying you are supporting your priesthood brethren, this does not fly in the face of Group Number One. You might have to start doing your genealogy or be 100 percent in your home teaching to make up for this one.
Group Number Seven: COPS.
K, now, you are way out there. 0 points.
There is no way in Heaven that Heaven has a place for people who enjoy sitting in a chair, eating popcorn while watching the lowest forms of life being handcuffed and hauled off to jail (unless it's a former missionary compainion). You might have to agree to be the Ward Scoutmaster to make up for this one!
When it is all said and done, where does television fit into the big picture (no pun intended)? Only you can decide for yourself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)