REDEEMABLE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST POPULAR LDS COUPONS

Top Ten Most Popular LDS Coupons:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Coupon good for saying “No” to one church calling.

2 – Coupon good for one free upgrade in the Celestial kingdom.

3 – Coupon good for claiming one year of 100 percent visiting/home teaching on all of your assignments.

4 – Coupon good for one free trade-in on any mission call assignment.

5 – Coupon good for forgiveness on committing one sin of your choice.

6 – Coupon good for being able to pursue the activity of your choice on any Sunday you choose.

7 – Coupon good for being able to choose, free of guilt, one R-rated movie of your choice.

8 – Coupon good for being able to use someone else’s food storage, should an emergency arise.

9 – Coupon good for being able to find out the scoop on one person of your choice in your Ward.
10 – Coupon good for being able to eat on the Fast Sunday of your choice.

TASTY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN UNOFFICIALLY APPROVED SACRAMENT MEETING TREATS

(HJB VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: This entry is inspired by attending Stake Conference on Sunday. Sat in the Cultural Hall, half way back, which means we got there just as the meeting started. As meeting wore on, the air conditioner did not kick in. The air became thick, became hard to breathe, maybe even suffocating; hot. In my despair, I glanced three rows in front of me just in time to witness what looked like a good LDS girl, sitting in her row with about ten other family members, pop open a can of soda! GEEZ! Some times life just isn’t fair! Have you ever seen any unusual things eaten in Stake Conference, or anything else crazy like that take place? Answer them in the comments section and I’ll post them, so we can all enjoy.

So, here’s to the girl who sat three rows in front of me:

Top Ten Unofficially Approved Sacrament Meeting Treats:

1 - Cheerios

2 - Fruit Loops

3 – Teddy Grahams

4 - Gum

5 – Tic Tacs

6 - Lifesavers

7 - Individually wrapped candies (Jolly Ranchers, Werther’s, taffy, bulk candy)

8 - Altoids

9 – Possibly a Capri Sun if hidden in scripture bag with just straw sticking out.

10 – Possibly that little cheese and cracker tray with the red spreading stick, if used slowly and quietly.

Top Ten UNAPPROVED Sacrament Meeting treats:

1 – SODA!!!!

2 – Pop rocks

3 - Popcorn

4 – Peanuts

5 – Doughnuts

6 – Lunchables

7 – McGriddle breakfast tray

8 – Beef jerky (Kristin)

9 – Pizza

10 – Roast with mashed potatoes and gravy

AMERICAN IDOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS THAT PROVE ACE, FROM AMERICAN IDOL, IS MORMON!!!

Top Ten Things That Prove Ace,
from American Idol, is Mormon!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - His mother attends a Ward in Boulder, CO (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be LDS
2 - Another kid remembers him from his Primary class (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be very LDS
3 - His last name is Young - VERY LDS
4 - When he was voted off American Idol he said, “Gosh!” - EXTREMELY LDS
5 - His first name is Brett - DEFINITELY LDS
6 – His middle name is Asa, after his LDS grandfather – ABSOLUTELY LDS
7 – According to his bio, he has four brothers - POSSITIVELY LDS
8 – According to his bio, he loves sports - GOTTA BE LDS
9 – He laughed a lot - HAS-TO-BE LDS
10 – He seemed to be very confident in front of a crowd – UNBELIEVABLY LDS

SCOUTING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS IN A SCOUT'S TWO-WEEK LONG BOYSCOUT CAMP SUITCASE

Top Ten Things in A Scout’s Two-week
Long Boy Scout Camp Suitcase
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1- One pair of underwear
2- One sock
3- Pair of shorts with the biggest hole in them.
4- One whoopee cushion
5- Enough matches and gasoline and/or lighter fluid to set the world on fire. 6- 4 cans of refried beans
7- 100 firecrackers
8- One air gun
9- 10 lbs. of candy
10- 2 six packs of warm soda

MORE WARD BREAKING NEWS: MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING

MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH
WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

"That we had a DJ instead of a Ward chorister."
DPG from Sandy, UT

"That there were sleeper sofas in High Priests."
KRB also from Sandy, UT

WARD BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WAS IN THEIR WARD BUILDING

Top Ten Things LDS people wish was in their Ward building:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Vending Machines in the foyer
2 - Reclining chairs in the chapel with foot rests
3 - Big gulp holders
4 – All televisions equipped with picture on picture to update sports scores
5 – Confession booths with curtains
6 - An ATM machine
7 - Canned laughter
8 - Background music that kicks in like on the Oscars when a talk has gone too long.
9 - A nursery built like an air castle
10 - Chair racks with faster wheels

COZY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS TO TELL IF YOU'RE IN A LDS HOME

TOP TEN SIGNS
TO TELL IF YOU'RE
IN A LDS HOME
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Scriptures on the coffe table
2 - Proclamation to the Family hanging on the wall
3 - Large dining room table with lots of chairs
4 - Survival kits by the front door
5 - Fifteen passenger car parked in the driveway
6 - All the volumes of Work and the Glory on a bookshelf
7 - Something BYU displayed somewhere
8 - A cupboard filled with candy, cookies and soda
9 - Zuccinni growing in the backyard
10 - Some form of tree piece of artwork, showing the family's pedigree

SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ON A SUNDAY SCHOOL PRESIDENT'S SUNDAY TO-DO LIST

Top Ten Things on a
Sunday School President’s
Sunday To-Do List
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Get up late enough to not comb hair
2 – Pick suit, shirt and tie up off floor from last week
3 – Get dressed.
4 – Go to Sacrament Meeting.
5 – Go to Sunday School.
6 - Wander halls.
7 – Yell at teenagers.
8 – Pick litter up off floors in hallways.
9 – Ring buzzer.
10 – Go home.

BOO-HOO BREAKING NEWS: TOP THEN THINGS THAT MAKE MORMONS CRY

Top Ten Things That Make Mormons Cry:

1 - Baby Blessings
2 - Testimonies
3 – When BYU loses to the U. of U
4 - When their funeral potatoes are burned
5 - When a fast food restaurant is out of fry sauce
6 - When, the night before fast Sunday, their favorite all-you-can eat restaurant is closed
7 - When they just missed the biggest srapbooking sale ever! (Dedicated to Gennie -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GEN!!!)
8 – When they accidentally buy a Coke instead of a Pepsi (or a Pepsi instead of a Coke)
9 – When someone brings them a candy bar AND IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE !!!
10 – When they don’t get “their seat” in the chapel.

WARD CLERK BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN YES OR NO QUESTIONS ON THE APPLICATION TO BE A WARD CLERK!!!!

Top Ten Yes or No Questions
on the Application
to Become a Ward Clerk:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - First or middle name includes Ernest, Harold, Lester,
or Ralph? __________
2 - Number of toupees perched on Styrofoam heads
in closet? __________
3 - Number of leisure suits with white top-stitching? _______
4 - Number of briefcases for carrying lots of unimportant
papers? ________
5 - Capable of walking down an aisle while writing
on a very small piece of paper? _____
6 - Number of times dated in high school 1____ 2 ____
7 - Capable of staring off in the distance for at least
one hour and ten minutes with a stone face,
week after week, no matter what happens
at the pulpit? _______
8 - Dark circles under eyes? __________
9 – Willing to embarrass self by attempting to
read last names of new move-ins? ________
10 – Able to overlook any funny faced Deacon
or projectile coming at you from any funny-faced
Deacon sitting on the front two rows
before you? ________

Congratulations! You may qualify to be your ward’s next Ward Clerk!

HAPPYJELLYBEAN BREAKING NEWS

Okay, okay. I repent. My intention is not to insult. And, whereas I received a concerned e-mail regarding the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I would like to say, all of my blogs are meant to poke a little fun. If that one went into a bit of a stab, a happyjellybean apology is in order. What happened was, while watching conference, hbj is always mindful of all the games played. And, to poke fun that sometimes the joke is made that the Mormon Tabernacle members all look alike, or who are they, or what, I thought I would make a game, only in fun, but, like hjb always says, If a joke is only funny to one person, then that joke is just not funny. So, let's get back on track and go for a kinder poke:

Could I do this?

TOP TEN SONGS THAT SHOUD BE SUNG TO THE PROTESTERS WHO TAKE TIME FROM THEIR BUSY DAY TO VISIT LDS MEMBERS ON CONFERENCE WEEKEND:

1- If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands
2 - If You Chance To Meet a Frown, Do Not Let it Stay
3 - Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, We're Glad You Came Our Way
4 - Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other
5 - Time Flies On Wings of Lightening, Don't Let it Pass You By
6 - The World Has Need Of Willing Men
7 - Because I Have Been Given Much, I, Too, Should Give
8 - There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today

Or, another attempt at light humor:

Top Ten Things Heard Around the House on Conference Weekend:

1 - "Pass the popcorn."
2 - "Dad, quit snoring!"
3 - "Change it back!"
4 - "Get up, conference has started!"
5 - "Did they just put (name of close friend) in as a General Authority?"
6 - "Wow, I didn't know we had that many members in the church."
7 - "When I was a kid, there were only 10,000 missionaries in the mission field."
8 - "When I joined the church, there were only 12 temples!"
9 - "Dad, quit snoring."
10 - "Mom, tell ____ to quit hitting me."

CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN "CAN YOU FIND A MEMBER OF THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR WHO LOOKS LIKE..." CONFERENCE GAME

Top Ten "Can You Find a Member
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Who Looks Like..." Conference Game
by
Bettyanne Bruin

Can you find a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Who Looks Like:

1- He or she has been in at least one Ward basketball fight?
2 – He or she sleeps during all of his or her Sacrament meeting?
3 – He or she has never done any genealogy?
4 – He or she does not believe in having a food storage?
5 – He or she plays the penny slot machines while traveling through a gambling zone?
6 – He or she believes the end of the world is coming any day?
7 – He or she has had a face lift?
8 – He or she has yelled at his or her neighbor’s dog?
9 – He or she is addicted to Jolt.
10 – He or she goes home during Sunday School.

MISSIONARY BREAKING NEW: TOP TEN PHONE MESSAGES LEFT ON A LDS MISSIONARY'S MESSAGE MACHINE

Top Ten Phone Messages Left on a LDS Missionary’s Message Machine
by Bettyanne Bruin

1 – This is Dr. Thomas’ office. The results of the rabies test, on that dog that bit you, came back negative.
2 – Hello, Elders. This is Sister Wells. I just wanted to thank you, so much, for coming over today to help bury my dog for me. I'm sure Fido was very appreciative too.
3 – Hey, punks, you ever do that again -- go around knocking at my door trying to preach all of yer nonsense, and I’ll get my buddies and we’ll do more than just come knockin’ at your door!
4 – Hello, Elder. You don’t know me, but I’m a close friend of your girlfriend and she asked me to call you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by lying, so she wanted to be honest with you – she just got married.
5 – Hello, Elders. One of your journals was left at my house and I just wanted to let you know that you can stop by to get it any time you want. Also I, too, hope you get over soon the two biggest problems you expressed in your journal that you’re dealing with right now -- your fear of the dark and that disgusting toe-nail biting habit.
6 - Hello, this is a preacher from one of the local churches wanting advice on how to get more members.
7 – This is the Post Office wanting to let you know that there is NOT, I repeat NOT, a package for you today, so please do not call us again. We will call you!
8 – This is footblisters.com letting you know your case of foot cream is in the mail.
9 – Hello Elders. Just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel our dinner appointment with you, tonight, but we did leave a few packages of Top Ramen on your door to make up for it, so, have a good dinner and talk to you soon.
10 – This is the Mission Home letting you know that your activity to enter the city drag race with church advertising on your car was not approved.

Argumentative Breaking News: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE LOVE TO ARGUE ABOUT!!!!

Top Ten Things LDS People Love to Argue About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Other religions.
2 – BYU vs. U of U
3 – The definition of a caffeinated product.
4 – Any foul called in a basketball game.
5 – Who’s going to say the opening prayer in Family Home Evening.
6 – Donner pass.
7 – R-rated movies: Good or bad?
8 – Television viewing habits.
9 – Polygamy
10 – Is crap a swear word?

SCRAPBOOKING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO SCRAPBOOK ABOUT:

Top Ten Things LDS People
Will NEVER Want to Scrapbook About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Dedicated to Genevieve Gillette

1. The many Family Home Evenings where everyone fights over job chores.

2. The first time you put your toddler in the nursery and ditched him or her.

3. Locating your scout after he's spent an entire night in the mountains alone.

4. The fight with the Scout master who lost track of him.

5. The time, while on your mission, the non-member announced he or she was canceling his or her baptism date.

6. The meeting with the Bishop where he calls you into the scouting program.

7. Initiating road rage on your way to church.

8. Eating at an all-you-can eat buffet the night before fast Sunday.

9. The Ward basketball game fight that was started by a member of your family.

10. You drooling, while asleep, in Sacrament meeting.

Simply Breaking News: Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways (yeah, right) a LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life

Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways
(Yeah, right)
A LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life:
(ByBettyanne Bruin)

1 – Catch up on sleep during church meetings. (Oops, already done.)
2 - Save genealogy work for when you get old and have nothing better to do. (Oops, already done.)
3 – Say one, long prayer while in bed, rather than three times a day. (Oops, already done.)
4 – Hire out service projects. (Actually has been done.)
5 – Buy your sodas in gallon-sized drink containers. (Is done all of the time.)
6 – Keep forgetting that you have neighbors. (What neighbors?)
7 – Call your home/visiting teaching families for visits on the phone. (Oops, has been done for years.)
8 – Show videos to your Sunday School class. (Oops, currently the biggest fad in the LDS church.)
9 – Hold FHM, Family Home Moment while eating dinner. (Done all the time.)
10 –

Top Ten LDS Swear Words
and Their Moment of Usage:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Frickin’: “I didn’t frickin’ foul that guy! He was the one who was all over me!”
2 – Dang: “And then this dang car comes right up and pretty near rear ends me!”
3 – Darn: “That darn food storage is piling up all over out there in that darn garage!”
4 – Fetch: “Fetch, that hurt! Geez, what'd you do that for?”
5 – Geez: Refer to the above.
6 – Sheesh: “Sheesh, what’s it gonna take to get you to get the message? I'm not going to marry you!”
7 – Bleeoch: “That girl is one heckofa bleeoch, and I don't care if she is my next door neighbor!”
8 - H-E-double hockey sticks: “If you aren’t obedient, you know where you’re going to go? You are goin' right to h-e-double hockey sticks!”
9 – Heck-if-I: “Heck-if-I know where your scriptures are. You’re the one who lost them!”
10 – Lousey, good for nothin’: “That kids is a good-for-nothin- piece of crap.” (Shhh… LDS people do not think crap is not a swear word.)

Top Ten Signs
You Cannot Call Yourself
a Regular Scripture Reader:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is listen to the scriptures on tape while doing other things, like watching television or sleeping.

2 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is when you glance over at your neighbor’s scriptures each week in Sunday School class.

3 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is reading the scriptures found on the marquis’s of other churches.

4 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read are those found on car bumper stickers.

5. You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read is the John 3:16 sign that’s held up at all national sporting events.

6 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if your only claim to being a regular scripture reader is the fact that you’ve memorized the scripture, “Jesus wept.”

7 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you have no idea where your scriptures are.

8 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you’ve set a goal to read the scriptures and almost read them once.

9 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is to look at them, once a day, sitting on your bookshelf.

10 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you think about reading them every day, but never do.

Lent Breaking News: Top Ten Things LDS People Should Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot

Top Ten Things LDS People Should
Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Watching television on Sunday.
2 – All chocolate and/or caffeine products. For that matter, all sugar products.
3 – Not answering the phone when a Bishopric member calls during a time when an undesirable calling is available.
4 – Avoiding the Ward Genealogy Specialist.
5 – Avoiding walking anywhere near a Primary room.
6 – Going overtime on a talk or lesson.
7 – Cheating on Fast Sunday.
8 – Shopping on Sunday.
9 – Funeral Potatoes.
10 – Preparing their lesson while teaching their lesson.

FAT TUESDAY BREAKING NEWS: LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)

LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)



1 - Flat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all women in the LDS church wear their hair flat with no hairspray, then gather at their Ward building and spend hours trying to figure out who each other is.

2 - Brat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all irreverent LDS children get whatever they want, also known in the LDS church as Sharing Time.

3 - Hat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally convince all toupee-adorned LDS men to take off their toupee and wear a hat, while LDS members do whatever it takes to destroy the toupee, only to find out the next Sunday that their efforts were fruitless.

4 - Pat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally celebrate (instead feeling guilty like every other day of the year) that maybe they really do have everything down pat, from doing their genealogy to food storage to understanding the Book of Isaiah. This is usually one of the happiest days of the year for LDS people, except for LDS martyrs.

5 - Mat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people celebrate the importance of making sure a mat or any other type of decorated material is carefully placed under a flower-filled vase on a classroom table for any Sunday lesson.

6 - Rat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people get to rat about what’s really bothering them, from political issues to poorly prepared food – usually this celebration spills out into every day of the year.
7 - Cat Tuesday: The day before Lent where a LDS person can choose to believe he or she really is a cool cat. Warning: This day usually runs out quick because, before too long, the LDS person is back to eating stuff like green Jell-o, fry sauce and funeral potatoes, wearing big hair, clothes that fit too tight, listening to the oldies station and once again realizes that he or she really is a big geek.

8 – Sat. Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people completely saturate themselves with any and all caffeine products.

9 - Bat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people go to bat for the church by arguing with anyone who comes their way -- usually happens wherever LDS pageants are performed.

10 – Chat Tuesday: The day before Lent where people in the LDS church gather at the Ward building to spend all day chatting as if it was Sunday.

HIGH PRIEST BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HIGH PRIEST GROUP LEADER MIGHT BE TOO OLD TO SERVE

Top Ten Signs Your High Priest Group Leader
Might Be Too Old to Serve:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Following Sacrament Meeting, even if someone shouts, “Fire!” the High Priest Group Leader doesn’t move.

2 - The High Priest Group Leader begins High Priest’s Group Meeting by saying, “Good Morning, Brothers and Sisters. Welcome to our Ward Temple Night!”

3 - The High Priest Group Leader thinks searching for the dead means looking up old friends.

4 - It takes half the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to sit down and the other half of the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to get back up.

5 - Everyone in the room keeps asking one another, “Does the High Priest Group Leader look alive to you?”

6 – Whenever the High Priest Group Leader says the opening or closing prayer, everyone folds their arms and closes their eyes, then waits five minutes for the High Priest Group Leader to begin, only to open their eyes and find the H.P. Group Leader sound asleep.

7 – When the High Priest Group Leader leads the music, one person has to hold up the hymnbook while another person holds up his arm.

8 – Every time someone teaches a lesson and mentions our elder brother by name, the High Priest Group Leader shouts, “Amen!”

9 – By the time the High Priest Group Leader gets to High Priest Group meeting, the meeting is over.

10 - The High Priest Group Leader keeps asking, "Who's the High Priest Group Leader? How come we don't have a High Priest Group Leader?"

PRIMARY BURN OUT BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PRIMARY PRESIDENT MIGHT BE BURNED OUT

Top Ten Signs Your Primary President Might Be Burned Out:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Instead of having a reverence chart, she has an advent calendar posted in the front of the room, counting the days until she is released.

2 - For Sharing Time, the Primary watches Sponge Bob.

3 – Her Primary Theme for the month is, Enduring to the End Is Impossible.

4 - Whenever she sings the Hello song, she replaces Hello with Goodbye.

5 – For treats, she gives out candy cigarettes.

6 – Her phone message says, If you think this your Primary President, please hang up. You have dialed the wrong number.

7 – She’s on a Prozac I.V.

8 – She insists there should be a substitute called for her calling as well.

9 – She keeps standing on the folding chairs, trying to fall backwards.

10 – Holding up a paddle, she says, “Reverence begins with this!”

HAPPY VALENTINE'S BREAKING NEWS: VALENTINE'S CARDS FOR SOMETIMES OVERLOOKED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH

Top Ten LDS Valentine’s Day Cards

to Sometimes-Overlooked

Members of the LDS Church:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - To Our Home Teacher on Valentine’s Day: Even though you don’t know us and have never met us before, we’d still like to wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.

2 – To All Primary Substitute Teachers: Happy Valentine’s Day, and thanks for substituting for my class last week and the week before and the week before that.

P.S. Could you possibly substitute for me again this week?

3 – To the Ward Chorister: On this Valentine’s Day, we’d like to tell you how much we love the way you lead the music, especially how we only sing the first and last verse of “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief,” and never the six verses in between.

4 - To The Ward Clerk – We love you - your wig, your high-tide pants, your wrinkled shirt, short tie and lint-covered blazer. What would Sacrament Meeting be like without you?

5 – To The Chapel Ushers – We love the way you hand out the program each Sunday in your obsessive complusive way, making sure the front cover is always facing towards us and is turned the right way.

6 – To the Basketball Referees: Even though we beat you up, throw chairs at you and call you every name in the book, we still love you!!! Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

7 – To the Unofficial/Junior Gospel Doctrine Teacher: We love the way you sit on the front row of Sunday School class every week and nod your head, “yes” in response to every comment the teacher makes. Your approval of the teacher’s comments makes it seem as though you are teaching the class as well, or that you know as much if not more than the teacher and we love the reassurance this gives us that the Ward is well-suprevised by an extremely dedicated Gospel Doctrine expert.

8 – To Members of the Sunday School Presidency: Even though no one in any Ward could ever name any person who fills any position in the Sunday School Presidency, we still appreciate your willingness to serve.

9 – To the Bishop’s Wife: Happy Valentine’s Day. Oh, you didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day? Sorry. We know sometimes the Bishop’s wife IS the last to know, but we still love you anyway.

10 – To the Ward Welfare Specialist: Happy Valentine’s Day. We hope you enjoy this romantic meal of cracked wheat pie, nonfat dry milk shake, nuts and dried fruits, on a table made of non-flammable, water-resistant cardboard, to the subtle light of a 24-hour emergency candle! Happy Valentine's Day!

WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS

HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

In honor of my daughter honoring Valentine's Day (see greedykristian.com), I hereby post my 25 favorite chick flicks.
Disclaimer: Because happyjellybeans has not watched
25 movies in hjb's whole life, this was not an easy task,
but I tried my very hjb best:



Y 1 - Always
Y 2- Marvin’s Room
Y 3 – Truman Show (hey, hey, hey! Truman LOVED life!)
Y 4 - Camelot
Y 5 - Romeo and Juliet (from the 70’s)
Y 6 - Steel Magnolias
Y 7 - While You Were Sleeping
Y 8 - Sleepless in Seattle
Y 9 - The Music Man
Y 10 - The Sound of Music
Y 11 – Somewhere in Time
Y 12- Love Story (with Ali McGraw—stupid movie of the 70’s, but I watched it and cried like 19 times)
Y 13 – The Way we Were
Y 14 – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (strange, but very thought-provoking movie about love)
Y 15 – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Who didn’t fall in love with Paul Newman and Robert Redford every time?)
Y 16 – For that matter: Woodstock (I saw this like 50 times)
Y 17 – Hard Day’s Night – I LOVED the Beatles and screamed and sobbed every time I watched this movie
Y 18 - Yours, Mine and Ours - The old one with Henry Fonda.
Y 19 – I Love Lucy (not a movie, but she was my religion growing up)
Y 20 - The Three Stooges (giving too much of myself away now, but I loved them too, growing up. They were very influential in my formative years.)
Y 21 - The Story of the Making of the Hershey Bar (I wish they’d make this movie, with samples)
Y 22 - Greedy Kristian and Randy; a Love Story (how tender)
Y 23 - Grandcows are Such Special Things (check out greedykristian.com for more on this)
Y 24 – The Book of Mormon movie
Y 25 – My Step-Poppy, Your Step-Poppy; The World’s Greatest Love Story of all Time

(Feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment)

OLYMPIC BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS RELIEF SOCIETY OLYMPIC EVENTS

Top Ten LDS Relief Society Olympic Events:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - The Delluge – Which Relief Society is the most overwhelmed?

2 - Speedriving to Church meetings: Watch the sisters race to see who can drive to church the fastest.

3 - Cryatholon – Who will cry the hardest during R.S. Testmony meeting?

4 - Nice Hockey – Who can be the nicest of all the Relief Society sisters, really?

5 - Curling Iron – Best hairstyle with special emphasis paid to bangs.

6 - Doughboarding – Watch the sister compete in whose dough will rise the highest.

7 - Figure Hating – See the sisters interviewed to see who hates whose figure the most.

8 - The scaleleton – See which sister hates her bathroom scale the most.

9 - Downhill creaking – Watch the older sisters race to the Relief Society room to get the best seat.

10 - Mobsled – See who survives a mobbing generated by a huge scrapbook sale.

GARDEN OF EDEN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH

TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE
MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER
HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF
THE LATTER-DAY SAINT CHURCH:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1 - “Eve, you ate one of those apples? Dang!”

2 - “Adam, I thought for Family Home Evening tonight, we’d talk about being tempted to partake of the tree of life.”

3 - “But, Eve, we don’t have to do our genealogy because we don’t have any ancestors!”

4 - “Adam, I’m going over to the church now to drop off my Fig Funeral Casserole.”

5 - “Does tithing mean giving 1/10th of our fig leaf to the church too?”

6 - “Adam, look what we made at Enrichment Night tonight: We made couch pillows out of coats of skin. Aren’t they cute?”

7 – “Adam, do you know when the next D.I. drive is? I have a ton of stuff I need to get rid of.”

8 – “Eve, I’m going over to the church now to help the Ward clean-up all of those thorns and thistles.”

9 – “Eve, now that I’ve been kicked out of the garden, what will happen to me if I don’t hearken unto you any more?”

10 – “With all of these trees around here, we have more than a two year’s supply of food.”

SABBATH DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN ITEMS LDS WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY

TOP TEN ITEMS LDS PEOPLE WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Toilet paper: No comment.
2 - Prescriptions: It’s either that or run the risk of dying.
3 - Gasoline: It’s either that or stay home from church.
4 - Forgotten ingredient in a recipe: It’s either that or throw away good food.
5 - Class treat: It’s either that or deal with an irreverent class and possibly ask to be released.
6 – Poster board: It’s either that or have the class not understand what the heck is being taught.
7 - Baby food: It’s either that or the baby could starve.
8 - Dog food: It’s either that or the dog could starve.
9 – Newspaper: It’s that or miss knowing if the last day is finally here (plus peeking at all of the sports scores).
10 – Cookies/candy/soda: No comment.

SUPER BOWL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES THE SUPER BOWL IS AN LDS INSPIRED EVENT

TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES
THE SUPER BOWL IS A TOTALLY INSPIRED
LDS EVENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – As a result of inspiration, Mormon, Lee Johnson's 63-yard punt, in Super Bowl XXIII, was the longest punt in Super Bowl history.

2 – Former Cougar. Jim McMahon -- from church inspired school, BYU -- was responsible for two rushing touchdowns in Super Bowl XX, holding second place in all-time touchdowns scored and rushing touchdowns in a Super Bowl game.

3 - In this year's Super Bowl, Seattle has two former BYU coaches and one former BYU player on its team. The Pittsburgh Steelers have three former BYU defensive linemen on its team.

4 – Mormon, Fred Brown, invented Detroit’s Ford Field Stadium.

5 – Mormon, Sylia Stansworth, designed the seats in the stadium.

6 - Mormon, Philo T. Farnsworth, invented the television so that four billion people all over the world can watch the Super Bowl.

7 – Former friend of many Mormons, Orville B. Redenbacher invented popcorn so we would all have something to eat while watching the game.
8 – Claymation commericials were designed by a company in Provo.

9 – Clydesdale horses were trained by former Mormon, Sonja Johnson.

10 – The air inside the Goodyear Blimp is personally filled by a close friend of Orin Hatch, Ted Kennedy.

RIGHTFUL BREAKING NEWS: LDS BILL OF RIGHTS

TOP TEN LDS BILL OF RIGHTS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - I have the right to sit in the same seat at church because it’s the only place I feel truly inspired.

2 - I have the right to keep every compassionate service dish I have received and neglected to return the last six years.

3 - I have the right to not give a lesson once a year because I’d rather talk about the Super Bowl instead.

4 - I have the right to believe I might still be going to the Celestial Kingdom, even though I just got back from Wendover.

5 - I have the right to crash anything my home teaching families might be in the middle of -- including sleeping, family parties or grandpa dying on the family couch because I believe so strongly in the home teaching program.

6 - I have the right to criticize what my neighbor does on Sunday, even though what I do on Saturday is probably worse.

7 - I have the right to put lipstick on my lips and tell the Primary children I am going to kiss them if they don’t sing because, by doing this, they actually do sing louder.

8 - I have the right to knock on my neighbor’s door, at any chosen moment, and scream, “The end of the world is here!” because this might make him want to finally take the missionary discussions.

9 - I have the right to consider myself as having read the Book or Mormon, even though I have never gotten past the “compare to Isaiah” part.

10 - I have the right to put whatever I want into the church hymnal holder because my tithing helps pay for this and it looks so much like a mini-trashcan holder too.

NURSERY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ABLE
TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Sorry, but I have a bad back and I'm not supposed to pick up any children.
2 – Sorry, but I have a contagious disease and I don’t want to get any of the children sick.
3 – Sorry, but I’ll be on vacation (a vacation that was just planned).
4 – Sorry but I won’t be attending church that Sunday (a decision that was just made).
5 – I never had any kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
6 – I;ve had twelve kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
7 – Sorry, but I go to church to receive inspiration and the nursery is just not inspired.
8 – Sorry, but I get sick at the sight of snot.
9 – Sorry, but I’m afraid I might be a child abuser and I wouldn’t want to put any of the children’s physical safety in danger.
10 – Sorry, but I suffer from kleptomania and I cannot put myself in a position where I might steal the children’s toys or food or any of their other belongings.

ELDERLY BREAKING NEWS: TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE TOO OLD TO SERVE A MISSION

Top Ten Signs You Might Be Too Old
To Serve a Mission
(by Bettyanne Bruin)


1 - When you say to someone, “I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, would you like to know more?” they tell you to quit yelling at them.

2 - You tell the lady at the door what a nice dog she’s holding and she says, “This isn’t a dog, this is my baby!”

3 - When an investigator gives you a treat, you take out your teeth so you can chew it better.

4 - While putting on your lipstick, you see a bumper sticker that says, "God created a few perfect heads and the rest He gave hair," and it reminds you to put on your wig.

5 - When you hear the mission rule is to be in bed by 10:00 p.m., you can’t believe it -- that’s four hours past your bedtime!

6 - Your idea of tracting is making it from your bedroom to the bathroom.

7 – While other missionaries are going crazy ‘cause they forgot their scriptures, you’re going crazy ‘cause you forgot your glasses.

8 – While other missionaries are receiving Dear Johns from their friends, you’re receiving obituary notices of your friends.

9 – To you “the gray area of the Gospel” refers to your friends in the High Priests Quorum.

10 – Teaching about not being able to remember anything that happened before this life seems trivial compared to not being able to remember anything that happened before this visit.

SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOUR TEENAGE SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GO WELL

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR TEENAGE SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GO WELL:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – When you go to open the door, you discover the students are all piled up against it to barricade you out.

2 – There’s no noise coming from your classroom, but tons of noise coming from the boy’s and girl’s restrooms.

3 - You open the door to find everyone engaged in a jabbing fight using the folding chairs.

4 – The classroom is empty, but there’s a note on the table that reads, “Ha, ha, ha, dare you to find us.”

5 - There’s so much noise in the classroom that the Sunday School Presidency opens the door and says, “I heard all this noise and thought I should check and make sure everyone is okay in here.”

6 - No one volunteers to say the opening prayer.

7 - After being rope-tied to your seat, someone says, “Now, give us the treats, or else.”

8 – The chalkboard reads, “This class stinks.”

9 – About the only religious conversation you can generate is one about a robbery that happened to one of the member’s the night before.

10 – One of the kids says they have a neat story to share about the prophet, President Bush.

TREAT BREAKING NEWS: APPROPRIATE TREATS TO SERVE IN PRIMARY BECAUSE THEY ARE FOUND IN THE SCRIPTURES

Appropriate Treats to Serve in Primary Because They Are Found in the Scriptures!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Apple: Found in the Bible: Apple eaten in the Garden of Eden

2 - Bread: Found in the Bible: Bread of life

3 – Bit ‘o Honey: Found in the Bible: Land flowed with milk and honey.

4 - Baby Ruth: Found in the Bible: A baby lying in a…

5 - Sunny Delight: Found in the Bible: God created the sun.

6 - Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: Found in the Bible: I will take the cup of salvation.

7 – King-sized M&Ms: Found in the Bible: King Herod

8 – Ham and Turkey Sandwich: Found in the Book of Mormon: And it came to pass…

9 – Bar-be-qued steaks: Found in the Bible: Be thou…

10 - Lunch at McDonald’s: Found in the Bible: And begat Terah…

LIBRARY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT RETURNING MATERIALS TO THE LIBRARY ON TIME

Top Ten Excuses
for Not Returning Library Materials
to the Library on Time
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – “I’ll bring it next week.” (This comment is repeated every week until person is no longer in the ward.)

2 – “I had a non member friend who was so interested in seeing that video that I gave it to him.”

3 – “I thought we got to keep anything the library gave us.”

4 – “I’ll be honest. I had one magazine for each month of last year, but I was missing that magazine to complete my set, so, I’m sure the ward will understand.”

5 – “I am sooooo sorry. My baby drooled all over it, then ripped it to shreds last week in Sacrament meeting.”

6 – “Oh shoot. I used that picture of Samuel the Lamanite as a liner in one of the boxes I packed last week for our upcoming move.”

7 – “Some of the kids asked, so I told them they could take those scissors home.”

8 – “My daughter put that picture of Nephi up in her room.”

9 – “Every time I remember to bring the materials, the library is always closed.”

10- “I gave all of those materials to Brother Simmons and he said he would return them.”

SIGN-UP SHEET ETIQUETTE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN TIPS FOR SIGN-UP SHEET ETIQUETTE

Top Ten Tips for Sign-Up Sheet Etiquette:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. Make sure to never intentionally steal the pen that goes with the sign-up sheet.
2. Never jab the person next to you in his or her upper arm with the clip-board.
3. Sign only one name at a time, and only for the person who is truly in attendance.
4. Be careful not to make so much noise shuffling through all of the sign-up sheets that people become distracted by your actions.
5. Never erase another person’s name to put your name in that person’s place for an assignment you would rather have than the only one’s that's left available.
6. Never take the Sign-up sheet(s) home with you.
7. Never take the Sign-up sheet clipboard home with you, even though you think it’s cute and could really, really use it.
8. Never look at all of the other names on the list and match them up with the people in the room to find out who refused to sign the sign-up sheet.
9. Only sign your real name and not the name of a famous actor or actress.
10. Make sure to rotate the list around the room in the direction it has been going to avoid sending the entire classroom into complete, utter and nearly irreversible confusion.

Never Before Heard Responses Breaking News: Top Things Never Before Said in Response to Being Called as the Nest Ward Gospel Doctrine Teacher

Top Things Never Before Said in Response to Being Called as the Next Ward Gospel Doctrine Teacher:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – I guess this means I have to start coming back to church, right?

2 - But I really don’t know anything about the Bible or the Book of Narmon.

3 - I want you to know, Bishop, that I’ve been anticipating this job for a very long time because of my incredible depth of knowledge and unbelievable scriptural insight that has helped me far exceed everyone else in the Ward around me when it comes to correct gospel doctrine.

4 – Yes, I’d certainly be willing to try this… the day after I kick my smoking habit.

5 – But, I just heard on the news this morning that they were doing away with Sunday School.

6 – Teaching the doctrine is not what I have a hard time with, it’s, WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?

7 – Oh yes! I just got Power Point and can’t wait to use it.

8 – Sure. Now, this is the class for investigators, right?

Tithing Settlement Breaking News: Top Ten Things LDS People Fear Discovering at Their Annual Tithing Settlement

TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE FEAR DISCOVERING
AT THEIR ANNUAL TITHING SETTLEMENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1. That someone found their tithing settlement statement -- which only included part of their tithing payments -- on the floor of the church foyer.
2. That between the church records and their records, they really are $3,000.00 behind.
3. That as long as they are are at their tithing settlement, the Bishopric would like to go ahead and extend a new calling to them as the next Ward Camp Director.
4. That they really are behind in paying a full tithing and it’s too late to submit any more donations.
5. That they thought they paid every month, but they really only paid every other month.
6. That the make-up check they submitted last week bounced.
7. That the Bishop was suddenly hospitalized and turned tithing settlement over to a man they would prefer never know how much money they earn annually.
8. That their tithing is paid in full, but complaints have been received regarding their children's behaviors.
9. That the Bishop’s door was accidentally left ajar during their entire tithing settlement.
10. That they show up for their appointment only to find no one there, and discover tithing settlement is over and everyone they need to settle up with is out of town until after the New Year.

HAPPYNEWYEAR BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK

TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always make:

1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created here on the face of the Earth!
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.

Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always break:

1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created on the face of the Earth.
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.

YULETIDE BREAKING NEWS: LDS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS

LDS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


Billy, the Red-nosed Nursery Kid

A Christmas Story About Why I Was Unable to Spend the Holidays With My Family in Florida Because I Couldn't Find a Substitute for My Class

I’m Dreaming of a Red and Green Jell-o Christmas

It’s a Wonderful Life on Prozac

Christmas Vacation with the Steed Family

The Grinch Who Keeps Stealing Church Magazines out of the Library Needs to Bring Them Back!

Home for the Holidays Instead of Doing My Home Teaching

A Genealogy Christmas Carol With All of Your Long, Lost Relatives -- Past, Present and Future

A Very Brady Christmas and Other Polygamist Hairstyles

The Bishop’s Wife Sits Alone Every Sunday at Church

Miracle on 34th Street That No One Ever Gets Ticketed on Their Way to Church

The Nutcracker, Nuts and Other Food Storage Items No Food Storage Should Be Without

The Polar Bear High Priest Who Took So Long to Express His Opinion in Sunday School Class That Eventually Everyone Left To Go To Their Next Meeting

CAROLING BREAKING NEWS: LDS CHRISTMAS CAROLS

LDS CHRISTMAS CAROLS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


DECK THE HALLS

Deck the cultural hall with pows and vollies,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
‘Tis the season for shucks and gollies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our sports apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Getting’ ready for some church ball peril,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the blazing bro’s before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the ref and join the ruckus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the Ward’s sportsmanship treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Go up in smoke for one team’s measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fast forward to more shots and passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail there’s a new ref, lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

But this one’s not like all the others
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
This one’s one of the player’s mothers!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.


FAMILY HOME EVENING'S COMIN' TONIGHT

You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.

A list is being made about this and that;
Complaints about the fam all the way down to the cat
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.

You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight.

We know we're supposed to give,
We know we're supposed to take,
But it’s not about all of this,
It’s Family Home Evening for goodness sake!

Oh, you better get scared, you better toughen up
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight!

OCCUPATIONAL BREAKING NEWS: LDS OCCUPATIONAL DEATH POSTINGS

LDS OCCUPATIONAL-DEATH POSTINGS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Old Genealogists never die, they just fill in all their blanks.

Old Scrapbookers never die, they just reach the end of their tape.

Old Primary choristers never die, they just hold that one last note.

Old Sunday School teachers never die, they just end up boring themselves to death.

Old Scoutmasters never die, they just put out that one last fire.

Old Home Teachers never die, they just finally made that one visit .. to Heaven.

Old Organists never die, they just put their foot down.

Old Executive Secretaries never die, they just scheduled a meeting in Heaven.

Old Relief Society Presidents never die, their casserole just finally became fully baked.

POLITICALLY CORRECT BREAKING NEWS: FINALLY POLITICALLY CORRECT NAMES FOR CALLINGS AND OTHER FOCUSED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH

FINALLY!!! POLITICALLY CORRECT DEFINITIONS OF CALLINGS AND OTHER FOCUSED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Can you guess who each of these are (answers are listed below):

1 - Especially in Confined Environments of Lengthy Verbiage, a Consciously Challenged, Deceased-mimmicking Elderly Male Subject is also known as the Ward:

2 - An Extreme Behavioral Coordinator Over Adolescent Male Management Issues is also known as the Ward:

3 - The Executive Director of a Substantially Enormous Group of Religiously, Mentally, Socially, Physically, Intellectually, Financially and Culturally Malformed Mortals of Celestial Potential is also known as the Ward:

4 - A Permanently Medicinalized Female Hominidae Voluntarily Subjected to the Benefaction of a Population of Other Equally Permanently Prescriptionalized Females is also known as the Ward:

5 - A Homo Sapian Capable of Only Minimal Sojourns to Regional Familial Abodes is also known as the Ward:

6 - A Chronic Acquirer of Aggregate Details of the Anciently Deceased is also known as the Ward.

7 - A Female Sibling of the LDS Religious Environment Possessing an Addictive Quality to Massive Adhesive and Parchment Products for Purpose of an Unknown Reason is also known as the Ward.

8 - An Anxiety-ridden Individual Containing Massive Proportions of Catastrophic Information Regarding the Possible Ceasement of Society is also known as the Ward:

1- High Priest
2 - Scoutmaster
3 - Bishop
4 - Relief Society President
5 - Home Teacher
6 - Genealogist
7 - Scrapbooker
8 - Last Days Expert