I’m still trying to get my blog up and running. My computer will not allow me to blog BECAUSE IT’S BRAND NEW! (The caps on that comment will make sense after you read my latest entry posted below). But, anyway, I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving.

Top Ten Things LDS People Love to Brag/Whine About:

1 – It’s so horrible, I HAVE WRITTEN IN MY JOURNAL EVERY DAY SINCE 1962 and I can’t find the kind of journal books I like to write in any more.

2 – I am sooooo tired. I have just canned 40 JARS OF PEACHES. I can’t believe I could be so stupid to ever think I could do such a thing.

3 – Can you believe how much tithing we pay? I mean LAST YEAR ALONE I PAID $20,000 IN TITHING!

4 – I love my Young Women’s calling, even though I had to STAY UP ALL NIGHT to make twenty pairs of pajama bottoms for every girl that’s going to camp. Can you believe that? We’ve got twenty girls going to camp!

5 – This week I HAVE to teach Gospel Doctrine, plus give a talk in Sacrament Meeting and say a prayer in RS/PH. I sure hope I don’t get laryngitis!

6 – I can’t believe how much money I spend on stupid little postage stamps each month. WRITING 10 MISSIONARIES can actually be expensive!

7 – Feel how heavy this scripture bag is. BY THE TIME I BRING MY SCRIPTURES AND ALL OF THE SUPPORTIVE MATERIAL I READ EACH WEEK FOR THE CLASSES I ATTEND, this thing weighs about 10 pounds! No wonder I have back problems.

8 – WE HAVE SO MUCH FOOD STORAGE that we’re thinking about BUILDING A NEW GARAGE. It’s amazing how much food storage a family needs WHEN A FAMILY’S REALLY PREPARED.

9 – It’s amazing how many bruises I get each week playing basketball. I DIDN’T EVEN GET THIS MANY WHEN I PLAYED FOR OKLAHOMA STATE!

10 – I had so many dishes to do after Thanksgiving BECAUSE WE HAVE SUCH A LARGE FAMILY!!!

SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT DURING SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS

Top Ten Things LDS People
Think About During
Sunday School Class:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – How long the teacher spent preparing the lesson.
2 – How much the teacher’s outfit may have cost
and where he or she bought it.
3 – What they’re going to have for lunch
and if they’re out of bread.
4 – Who’s winning the NFL game.
5 – What are the chances of really making it
into the Celestial kingdom.
6 – Who, in the class, might have committed
the biggest sin during the week and what it was.
7 – Who sets up the chairs
and how often do they clean them
8 – What is that spot on the floor from?
9 – Where are we, in the order of the signs
of the last days, and how long do we have
before the Second Coming really arrives?
10 – Why did they decide to wallpaper this room blue?

FAMILY HOME EVENING BREAKING NEWS: OFFICIAL FAMILY HOME EVENING ASSIGNMENTS

OFFICIAL FAMILY HOME EVENING ASSIGNMENTS
By Bettyanne Bruin

1 – FHE Opening Prayer
2 – FHE Lesson
3 – FHE Closing Prayer
4 – FHE Refreshments
5 - FHE Referee/Mediator
6 – FHE Phone Monitor
7 – FHE Official Timekeeper
8 – FHE Remote Control Hider
9 – FHE Activity Emergency Medical Technician
10 – FHE Keep-the-Family-Awake Specialist

COLUMBUS BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS DISCOVERIES

COLUMBUS BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN LDS DISCOVERIES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - A lot can be accomplished on the last day of the month.

2 - Getting hit by a folding chair, during a basketball game, really hurts.

3 - There is no such thing as a good looking ancestor.

4 - Cheerios are just as good eaten dry.

5 - Refreshments can make any event a success.

6 - Scrapbooking costs as much as a home mortgage

7 - Scouting is only for the completely insane.

8 - Sunday School is mostly intended to keep Mormons from breaking the Sabbath.

9 – Ten kids in one room for two hours can actually cause germs to grow.

10 – Certain male tones, sustained long enough, can cause anyone to fall asleep

THANK YOU, HAPPYJELLYBEAN READERS!!!

I have thoroughly enjoyed
doing this website and
appreciate your visits.
Someone e-mailed me recently
to tell me there was an
anti-Mormon ad on this site.
That's horrible and I do apologize!
My intention is only to have fun
with the church that has made my life
as fun and wonderful as it is.
I wrote google and asked them
to remove this ad.
If this continues, please let me know.
The fun WILL continue!
Thanks for being who you are.
Because of your visits happyjellybeans
has topped the 20,000 hit mark!

GENERAL CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SOUVENIRS TO TAKE HOME FROM GENERAL CONFERENCE

TOP TEN SOUVENIRS
TO TAKE BACK HOME
FROM GENERAL CONFERENCE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 -

A set of polygamist

nesting dolls.

2 -

A mug that says,

“Eat, drink and be merry

for tomorrow you could be

at Scout Camp.”

3 -

A snow dome with people inside

lined up outside

the Conference Center doors

4 -

A T-shirt that says,

"I survived the conference center

traffic jam!"

5 -

A bumper sticker that says,

“My other car is a school bus.”

6 -

A mini replica of Trax

with people jammed in it

like a 60’s telephone booth.

7 -

The seagull monument

made of hardened fry sauce.

8 -

A salt container that says

“Utah is the salt of the Earth.”

9 -

A hand bag as large as

a semi-truck trailer that says,

“This is almost big enough

to hold all of my scrapbooking material."

10 -

A map that only shows locations

where junk food is sold.

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS: WHAT NEVER TO CALL A LDS GENEALOGY STORE

WHAT NEVER TO CALL A LDS GENEALOGY STORE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Death Becomes Us
2 - ‘Til Death Do Us Never Part
3 - Got Ancestors?
4 – As the Grave Turns
5 – Ancestors R Us
6 – Caskets B U
7 – Urns and Things
8 - The Big Sleep Happens Here
9 – And it to Came to Passing On
10 – Dying to Research
11 – Beyond the Grave

PIONEER BREAKING NEWS: IF LDS PEOPLE HAD TO WALK ACROSS THE PLAINS TODAY, TOP TEN ITEMS THEY'D HAVE TO TAKE WITH THEM!

IF LDS PEOPLE HAD TO
WALK ACROSS THE PLAINS TODAY,
TOP TEN ITEMS THEY'D
HAVE TO TAKE WITH THEM:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Cases and cases and cases of de-caf, diet soda
2 – Cases and cases and cases of chips
3 – Cases and cases and cases of cookies
4 – Barrels of fry sauce
4 – Wagon loads of candy
5 – Battery-operated TV/DVD, plus remote control with a wagon load of batteries7 – iPod with wagon loads of batteries
8 – Cell phone with wagon loads of batteries
9 – Wagon loads of scrapbooking materials
10 – Wagon loads of basketballs

GENERAL CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN COMMENTS OVERHEARD WHILE STANDING IN LINE FOR GENERAL CONFERENCE

TOP TEN COMMENTS OVERHEARD
WHILE STANDING IN LINE FOR
GENERAL CONFERENCE

(By Bettyanne Bruin )

1 –

I wonder if the line’ll be this long

to get into Heaven!

2 –

I wouldn’t even stand in a line this long

to meet my eternal companion!

3 –

How many of us in this line

do you think are related?

4 –

With a line this long,

it’s amazing we don’t drink!

5 -

I hope we don’t find out this is the line

to use the restroom!

6 –

And the pioneers thought they had it rough

crossing the plains!

7 –

I guess this is what the scriptures mean

when they say, “Endure to the end!”

8 –

Just think, if we keep doing missionary work,

this line’ll be even longer!

9 –

Just think, Honey, this line could represent

all of our posterity!

10 –

You’d think in a line this long

they could at least serve refreshments!

SABBATH DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST POPULAR TIMES FOR LDS PEOPLE TO PREPARE THEIR SUNDAY LESSON

TOP TEN MOST POPULAR TIMES FOR LDS
PEOPLE PREPARE TO THEIR SUNDAY LESSON:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - While falling asleep Saturday night or
2 - While waking up Sunday morning or
3 - While sitting on the toilet Sunday morning or
4 - While brushing teeth Sunday morning or
5 - While bathing or showering Sunday morning or
6 – While doing hair, getting dressed
and putting on socks and shoes Sunday morning or
7 - While eating breakfast Sunday morning or
8 - While driving to church Sunday morning or
9 - During Sacrament meeting or
10 - While teaching the lesson.

YOUNG MEN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST SUCCESSFUL YOUNG MEN'S ACTIVITIES

TOP TEN MOST SUCCESSFUL
YOUNG MEN'S ACTIVITIES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1- Play basketball, then have root beer floats!
2 – Play basketball while making plans for upcoming scout trip!
3 – Hold a basketball skills camp!
4 - Learn how to be a good sport while playing basketball!
5 – Play basketball while discussing how to activate inactives!
6 – Have Young Men introduce themselves, then play basketball!
7 – Play basketball while discussing going on a mission!
8 – Play basketball while discussing dating do’s and don’ts!
9 – Invite inactives to play basketball!
10 – Play basketball while having testimony meeting!

CONFECTION BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LOUDEST TO QUIETEST CANDY FOR SACRAMENT MEETING

Top Ten Loudest to Quietest
Candy for Sacrament Meeting
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Pop Rocks
2 ­- Jolly Ranchers
3 – Smarties
4 - Tic Tacs
5 - Nerds
6 – Tootsie Pop
7 – Lifesavers
8 – Taffy
9 - Starburst
10 – Gum

FILM BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN UPCOMING LDS MOVIES

TOP TEN UPCOMING LDS MOVIES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1 - The Revenge of the Mailbox: The old lady, Lethe decides to write letters back to her family that have ignored her for so long.

2 – De-cipher in the Snow: A family from rural Utah tries to decipher a sign in the snow that reads, “You Call Me to be the Next Den Leader and I’ll...” Who wrote this sign and why?

3 – Johnny Lingo and the One Cow Girlfriend He Took to the Prom: This is the story behind the real moohala girlfriend Johnny Lingo loved first and why SHE dumped HIM!

4 – Sunday Morning Warriors: This is a film about all of those early morning spunky, smiley ward members everyone wants to squish, if they were real bugs.

5 – It May be My Turn on Earth, But It’s Your Turn to be Scout Leader: One person's quest to overcome one of Earth's biggest obstacles: working in the scouting program.

6 - Out of the Mouth of BYU Babes: Movie has been cancelled due to inability to locate any real babes.

7 – Martyrs and Mormons: The Real Story of the Relief Society sisters: One question: can you be a martyr and be happy?

8 - Church Basketball Claims Settled Out of Court: This reality film is based on real live court cases.

9 - Mormons at Our Barbeque: See how much food a LDS family can really eat when they show up at a neighbor's barbeque.

10 - Man’s Search for Happiness at a BYU/UofU game: While BYU is losing can man still find happiness?

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN TEACH A MORMON TO....

TOP TEN TEACH A MORMON TO...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1 - Teach a Mormon man to be determined
and he’ll beat his fellow quorum leaders
to make sure his team wins every Ward basketball game!

2 - Teach a Mormon woman to be thrifty
and she’ll knock over small children,
old ladies and store shelves
to be first in line for a scrapbooking sale.

3 - Teach a Mormon to be prepared
and they’ll fill wheat silos,
purchase armored cars,
acquire bullet proof vests as well as an AK 47
to make sure they’re prepared
for whatever comes their way.

4 - Teach a Mormon to have family ties
and they’ll picnic on their ancestor’s graves.

5 - Teach a Mormon woman to be a 100 percenter
and she’ll knock on your door at midnight,
pull you out of bed
and make sure her Visiting Teaching is done.

6 - Teach a Mormon to have fun
and they’ll laugh their way
through a loved one’s funeral.

7 - Teach a Mormon to sacrifice
and they’ll give up anything
and everything (every organ included)
unless it’s their chocolate, Coke or Pepsi.

8 - Teach a Mormon to be nice
and they will…
until someone steals their seat in church.

9 - Teach a Mormon to be obedient
and they will…unless they’re late for church.

10 – Teach a Mormon to

CHURCH CALLING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN CHURCH CALLINGS EVERY LDS PERSON FEARS BEING CALLED TO

TOP TEN CHURCH CALLINGS
EVERY LDS PERSON
FEARS BEING CALLED TO:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Scoutmaster
2 - Den Leader
3 - Camp Director
4 – Nursery Leader
5 – Assistant Nursery Leader
6 – Second Assistant Nursery Leader
7 - Gospel Doctrine Teacher
8 – Ward Missionary
9 – Stake Missonary
10 – Ward Mission Leader

SABBATH BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM A MONDAY MORNING LDS HANGOVER

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE SUFFERING
FROM A MONDAY MORNING LDS HANGOVER:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Eyes burn from sleeping during church, as well as on and off throughout the day.
2 - Hands are dry from so much dishwashing following so many dinner visitors.
3 - Voice is groggy from talking to people at church, then going home and having follow-up discussions on lesson topics.
4 - Back hurts from sitting in the pews.
5 - Urge to sin still trying to subside after from not being able to do anything all day long.
6 - Eyes also burn from watching too much television all day long.
7 - Legs ache from not using them all day long as a result of laying on the couch all day long.
8 – Arm hurts from using the remote control for so long.
9 - Pants too tight from overeating.
10 – Eyes sensitive to light from staying indoors too long.

DEAR JOHN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WORST INTRODUCTIONS IN A LDS DEAR JOHN LETTER

Top Ten Worst Introductions
in a LDS Dear John Letter
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – “You know how your brother and I
were always so close? Well…”
2 - “I liked you, so much, when I was LDS,
but now that I’m Catholic…”
3 – “I thought the sacrifice of waiting for you
for two years would be worth it, but…”
4 – “Last night, while I was praying
as to what I should do between you and Mark,
well I got this feeling that Mark and I…”
5 – Remember how you always said,
“If I can’t wait for you, just let me know? Well...”
6 – “I know your mother was just diagnosed
with cancer and that your dad recently died of a heart attack, but nothing is harder than me
having to write this letter to tell you…”
7 – “This hurts me more than it hurts you, but…”
8 – “Even though I have chosen not to wait for you any longer, I hope you’ll keep looking at the bright side.”
9 – “Because I feel you are so much more righteous than me, I feel there is no other choice other than to let you go…”
10 – Even though I have decided not to wait for you any longer, I just wanted to remind you about my younger
sister, Hilary. She has become really pretty
these past two years and, at age 16, she has just started
dating and is close enough to your age that I was thinking …”

MISSIONARY BREAKING NEWS

TOP TEN MISSIONS EVERY MISSIONARY
FEELS HE OR SHE SHOULD TRULY BE CALLED TO:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Adamondiamon

2 - The Vatican

3 - The first mission to the Moon

4 - To lie on the sidewalk in Israel for three days

5 - Hawaii or Fiji or Cancun or Cabo San Lucas or Club Med

6 - To teach Mel Gibson

7 - Salt Lake City

8 - To be one of the three Nephites

9 - Hollywood

10 - To just stay home

PRESIDENTIAL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN CHANGES IN AMERICA IF MITT ROMNEY BECOMES PRESIDENT

TOP TEN CHANGES IN AMERICA
IF MITT ROMNEY
BECOMES PRESIDENT
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 -

Corn will be pronounced carn

2 -

All cabinet meetings will begin with

"The Hello Song."

3 -

The letter "T" will be dropped from

the English alphabet ( moun-ains, ki-ens, shu-up)

4 -

The announced will be made that

fry sauce is the offical American condiment.

5 -

If a cabinet member cannot make a cabinet meeting,

he or she will need to get a substitute.

6 -

Funeral potatoes and green Jell-o salad

will be served at the White House.

7 -

The colors of the flag will be changed

to red, yellow and blue.

8 -

Refreshments will be served

after all cabinet meetings.

9 -

All state departments will use more visual aids.

10-

A war will break out to finally settle the battle:

Coke or Pepsi.

HJB BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN CHANGES IN AMERICA IF MITT ROMNEY BECOMES PRESIDENT

Greetings from Redondo Beach. I have been thinking about HJB while I've been gone. I always have an eye out for HJB things, which I will address in the future. But, for today, one idea came to me. Quickly, I will jot down as much as I can before I jump back in the ocean: TOP TEN CHANGES IN AMERICA IF MITT ROMNEY BECOMES PRESIDENT: (I can't get this computer to work right, so it's all in one run today: 1- Corn will be pronounced Carn. 2 - America's official condiment will finally be announced: Fry Sauce. 3 - The American Flag will no longer be red, white and blue, but red, yellow and blue. 4 - All cabinet meetings will beging with "The Hello Song." 5 - Finally, the biggest war in history will break out to finally make the final decision: Coke or Pepsi! 6 - The letter "T" will be dropped from the alphabet (moun-ains, ki-en, lay-on) 7 - "Fetch" will be announced as the nation's official swear word. 8 - Uh, oh. Waves are calling. I'll keep working on this one. Favorite HJB saying: Remember to BE GOOD AND HAVE FUN!!!!

Breaking News: Top Ten Things

Top Ten Things Seen at the 24th of July Parade:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – 10k and marathon racers attempting to wave and smile because they actually know people in the crowd.
2 - Salt Lake motorcade with Sheriff’s wearing fake mustaches
3 – Floats sprayed one entire metallic color (usually gold, purple or green), including live people, trees, cats, dogs!
4 – Sweaty clowns that scare both children and adults.
5 – Band members with too-tight, polyester, hand-me-down band outfits being sprayed with water sprayers to keep them cooled off.
6 – Too much horse poop.
7 – Too many motorized pooper scooper carts
8 – Old, fat Shriner’s driving Model T mini cars
9 – Tons of pamphlets from other religions.
10 - Groups of anti Mormons holding signs arguing with LDS people.
THE BEST: The Samoan band!!!!

OH MAN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST POPULAR LDS BRAG-WHINING STATEMENTS

TOP TEN MOST POPULAR
LDS BRAG/WHINING STATEMENTS
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

BragWhining: noun; When a LDS person tries to camouflage a total brag within a whine. Example:

1 -- I am sooooo tired because I stayed up all night finishing the entire Book of Mormon.

2 -- I hate this. I am soooooo nervous. I mean being the new Relief Society President is one of the biggest jobs in the church!

3 -- Oh man, I am soooooooooooo exhausted. I mean we had to pack up our entire family, drive to Mexico and then teach an entire community how to cook and clean.

4 -- I am soooooooooooooooo poor. Oh man, after buying that houseboat and jet skis, then hosting that week long party for the Ward, what more should I expect?

5 -- I am so mad. We thought our brand new, ten thousand square foot home would be done by this weekend and the contractor says the one-of-a-kind imported tile shipment from Italy is going to be late!

6 -- I am sooooo sore. I spent the entire weekend pulling every weed in our non-member neighbor's yard and then his neighbor asked me to pull his too.

7 -- Look at my hands. Can you believe it? They are all cut from spending the entire day out at the Bishop's storehouse loading and unloading 20 pound food crates.

8 -- It is so hard having 12 children. Some days I think I am going to die because I have sooooo many children.

9 -- I can't believe how much stupid time it takes to meet with our financial investor to go over all of our investments.

10 -- I have spent soooooo much time doing all of my geneaology, all the way back to the early 1200's, that I'm afraid I might go to go blind.

HALFSIES BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN NEWEST WAYS LDS PEOPLE SPEAK!!!!

TOP TEN NEWEST WAYS
LDS PEOPLE SPEAK!!!
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - It's not Family Home Evening anymore,
it's Family Home!!!

2 - Instead of, "Want to go with me somewhere?"
it's now, "Wanna go with?"

3 - Instead of BYU, it's The BY!!!

4 - Green Jell-O is now just Green J!!!

5 - And guess what? We're not preparing
for the second coming anymore
'cause we're all preparing for the Second C!!!

6 - Word is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
now refers to the The Battle Hymn of the Repulic
as The Battle H of the R!!!

7 - Missionaries also now only refer to
assistants to the President as Assistants to the P!!!

8 - And High Councilmen are now called High C's!!!

9 - Uh oh. Do not do this:
Some people now refer to General Authorities as G.A.'s!!!

10 - And, when we die?
Of course: We all want to go to the C. Kingdom!!!!

PATRIOTIC BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS THAT COULD ONLY BE HEARD AT A LDS FOURTH OF JULY FAMILY CELEBRATION

Top Ten Things That Could Only be Overheard at a LDS Fourth of July Family Celebration:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – “Would anyone like to volunteer to say the blessing?”
2 – “Anyone seen the green Jell-O salad?”
3 – “Did anyone bring fry sauce?”
4– “Hi, great great great grandpa. How are you?” 5 – “I didn’t know Aunt Diane and Uncle Dean had twelve kids. I thought they only had ten.”
6 – “Attention Everyone: We’re missing little Jacob. Has anyone seen little Jacob?”
7 – “Does anyone have an emergency kit?”
8 – “Is there a nursing mother’s room anywhere nearby?”
9 – “Can we have thirds?”
10 – “Hey, you. You’re in my math class. I didn’t realize we were cousins!”

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE!!!!

ARGUMENTATVIE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE LOVE TO ARGUE ABOUT

Top Ten Topics LDS People Love to Argue About
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Coke or Pepsi
2 – BYU or U of U
3 – Patriarchal or Patriarticle
4 – Actual date of the Second Coming
5 – Should tithing be paid on net income or gross income?
6 – Must home/visiting teaching visits include a lesson
in order to be counted?
7 – Should a kid who’s within days of turning 16 be
allowed to go to the prom?
8 – Cosmetic surgeries
9 – Watching TV on Sunday.
10 – What constitutes gambling.

WAHOO BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SACRAMENT MEETING GAMES

Top Ten Sacrament Meeting Games
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1:

The Dot Game

2:

Hangman

3:

Tic Tac Toe

4:

Fast and Testimony Bingo:

who cries, who died,

quotes a scripture, disaster.

5:

Ward Celebrity look-a-likes

6:

Unlikely match-ups

of people in the Ward

7:

Best toupee

8:

Find the Most People Sleeping

9:

Best Sacrament Program Doodler

10:

Most Cheerios in Mouth

FETCHIN' BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS SWEAR WORDS

TOP TEN LDS SWEAR WORDS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Top Ten LDS Swear Words:

1 – Fetch!
2 – Heck!
3 – Geez!
4 – Shoot!
5 - Darn!
6 - Darn it!
7 - Darn it all!
8 – Gosh!
9 – Gosh Darn!
10 – Gosh Darn it all!

LATEST FHE FAD BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LATEST FADS IN FAMILY HOME EVENING

Top Ten Latest Fads in Family Home Evenings:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Finally, no more wondering what to do
for family night! Now, you can just put,
“ Family Home,” in front of everything
you were going to do anyway
and relieve guilt as well:

For example: Latest most popular Family Home Evening:
“Family Home Minute:
A family home evening that only lasts a few minutes.”

1 - Family Home Twenty-four: For the family
who can’t stand the thought of missing
an episode of, “24” on Fox.

2 - Family Home Shopping: For the family
who can’t resist going shopping anyway.

3 - Family Home Cleaning/Do Laundry:
For the family who must clean and/or
do laundry because they work all day.

4 - Family Home Cops: Great for the guys!
Never lose their attention again!

5 - Family Home WWF: Also great for
husbands, dads and rebellious teenage boys!

6 - Family Home DO WHATEVER!!!!:
Now you can do whatever
AND STILL call it family home evening.

7 - Family Home Yell at Your Teenager
for Not Honoring His or Her Curfew:
Hey, still falls under the official category of
Family Home Evening.

8 – Family Home Tell off the Telemarketer:
Still called Family Night!

9 – Family Home Relax: Still family night.

10 – Family Home _______________ (Fill in the
blank with the FHE of your choice)

HAPPY FAMILY HOME EVENING!!!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN "YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LDS FATHER WHEN...."

TOP TEN "YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LDS FATHER WHEN..."
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – You tell all of your business associates, “Nigh-nigh,” when you leave work at the end of the day.”

2 – Your business cards are all stuck together.

3 – Your greatest fantasy is to have all the family bills paid on time.

4- You can turn any moment into a teaching one.


5- All of your suit pockets are filled with cracker crumbs.

6- You fear your daughter going on her first date more than you fear death.

7- Your Monday nights are spent playing, “Hangman,”and/or, “Hot or Cold.”

8- You’re willing to have your suit tie cut off to make Primary children sing louder.

9- You find your toothbrush out in the sand box.

10- You know all the verses of, “The People on the Bus.”

CHURCH CAMP BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS YOUNG WOMEN TAKE TO GIRL'S CAMP AND TOP TEN THINGS LDS SCOUTS TAKE TO SCOUT CAMP

Top Ten Things LDS Young Women Take
to Girl’s Camp
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Butane curling iron
2 – Mirror
3 – Make-up
4 – Nair
5 – Crimper
6 – Tweezers
7 – Hairspray
8 – Nail polish
9 – iPod
10 – Candy

Top Ten Things LDS Scouts Take to Scout Camp
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1- F*art machine
2- Whoopie Cushion
3 - Cans of Refried Beans
4 – Cans of Baked Beans
5 – Cans of Lima Beans
6 – Cans of Navy Beans
7 – Cooked Broccoli
8 – Cooked Cabbage
9 – Cooked Onions
10- Matches

NURSERY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN COMMENTS FOUND IN THE DIARY OF A NURSERY LEADER

TOP TEN COMMENTS
FOUND IN THE DIARY
OF A WARD NURSERY LEADER:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – “Dear Diary: I just have one question:
what did I do wrong in the pre-existence to deserve this?”

2 – “Dear Diary: I’m just getting over another cold…”

3 – “Dear Diary: I’ve been in this calling now for 3 months,
2 days and five minutes.”

4 – “Dear Diary: Today I bought ear plugs.”

5 – “Dear Diary: Why was snot invented?”

6 – “Dear Diary: Today I only took 4 Excedrine.”

7 – “Dear Diary: I’ve decided the only way out of this
is calling is to develop a bad case of claustrophobia
or some highly contagious disease for which there is
no cure.”

8 – “Dear Diary: Please forgive me. Sister Parkinson
has been driving me crazy lately
with all of her perfectionist demands
so I purposely fed her kid red punch and Oreos today.”

9 – “Dear Diary: I think it would be easier
to keep 80 ping pong balls under the water
at the same time than to get all of the kids quiet
for just one minute to hear a lesson.”

10 – “Dear Diary: I’ve decided I’m not on enough
medication yet to keep me going in this calling,
so I’ve decided to ask to be released.”

NEWS FLASH !!!! JUST IN!!!!! JUST IN TIME FOR 6/6/6!!!BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE BELIEVE ARE OF THE DEVIL!!!!

TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE
BELIEVE ARE OF THE DEVIL
(in honor of 666) plus a few extras, just for the fun of it!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Chewing gum on Fast Sunday
2 - Ouija boards
3 - Water
4 - Opening your eyes during a prayer
5 - Anything that is both immature
and disgusting
6 - Swear words
7 - Halloween masks
8 - Tank tops and/or wife beaters
9 - Rap music
10 - Caffeine
11 - Infringing on copyright laws
12 - Ripping the tag off the mattress
13 - Staying up past midnight
14 - Bear hug slow dancing
15 - Lottery tickets
16 - Going cross-eyed
17 - Facial hair, especially goatees

GENEALOGICAL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES WHY SOME LDS PEOPLE CHOOSE NOT TO DO THEIR GENEALOGY

Top Ten Excuses Why Some
LDS People Choose Not To Do
Their Genealogy
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Because it will all be taken care of
in the millennium anyway.

2 – Because I’m too busy in my calling
to print up the Sacrament meeting
program each week.

3 – Because my ancestors all belonged
to other religions and none of them have ever
appeared to me, stating they want their work done.

4 – Because I feel like someone will be born
into my family some day who is supposed to do it.

5 – Because I can’t afford to do it.

6 – Because I’m waiting until they find a faster,
easier way to do it.

7- Because if I did my genealogy
I never would be able to go on vacation
with my family again.

8 – Because I’m saving it for when I get older
and have nothing better to do.

9 – Because I have too many relatives.

10 – Because every time the choice to do
my genealogy comes up, I chose to do something else.

TEACHING BREAKING NEWS: TEACH A MORMON TO...

TEACH A MORMON TO...

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Teach a Mormon

how to be determined and they will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, including drawing blood, to win a Ward basketball game.

Teach a Mormon

how to be thrifty and they will knock over shelves and cash registers to be first in line for a scrapbooking sale.

Teach a Mormon

how to be prepared and they will buy wheat silos, armored cars and bullet proof vests to be ready for the Second Coming.

Teach a Mormon

how to have family pride and they picnic on their ancestors graves.

Teach a Mormon

how to be 100 percent visiting teacher and they will knock on your door at midnight, pull you out of bed and give you the message for the month.

Teach a Mormon

to serve and they will eat ten servings of ice cream.

Teach Mormon

to have fun and they will have fun, even at a loved one’s funeral.

Teach a Mormon

how to sacrifice and they will sacrifice everything but their candy or soda pop.

Teach a Mormon

to be nice and they will be very nice until someone steals their seat in a theater.

Teach a Mormon

to be obedient and they will be very obedient unless they’re late for a church meeting.

.COM BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN .COMS FOR LDS PEOPLE

TOP TEN .COMS FOR LDS PEOPLE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - helpimscrapbookingandicantstop.com
2 - neverfallasleepinanothermeetingagain.com
3 - familyhomeeveningsthatactuallywork.com
4 - idontwanttoteachmylessononsundayand
cantfindasubstitute.com
5 - whyarentiperfectyet.com
6 - bestandcheapestldsmedicationsavailableonline.com
7 - thechoristerkeepscallingandaskingmetojointhechoir
andidontwantto.com
8 - helpimthescoutmaster
andidontwanttobe.com
9 - sick-freenurseriesnow.com
10 – homemakingprojectsmadefromleft-overfuneralpotatoes.com

GASPING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE GASP OVER

TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE GASP OVER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Whenever someone becomes engaged.
2 – Whenever a woman announces she is pregnant.
3 – Upon the announcement of who the new Ward Bishop is.
4 – Whenever a restaurant runs out of Coke or Pepsi.
5 – Upon hearing a missionary read where he or she has been called to.
6 – Upon any bad call made in a BYU vs. U of U sporting event.
7 – Upon receiving a very exciting or very yucky new Ward calling.
8 – Upon hearing someone is gay.
9 – Upon hearing someone came home early from their mission.
10 – A long and sustained gasp always happens whenever the announcement is made in Relief Society that the sisters reached 100 percent visiting teaching for the month.

SURVIVAL BREAKING NEW: TOP TEN OTHER THINGS THAT MUST ALSO GO IN A LDS SURVIVAL KIT

TOP TEN OTHER ITEMS THAT
MUST GO IN A LDS SURVIVAL KIT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Your cell phone

2 – Your IPod

3 – Your lottery ticket

4 – Your anti-depressants

5 – Your scrapbooking material

6 – Bonko

7 - Some cases of Coke or Diet Pepsi

8 – A couple of copies of The National Enquirer and People magazine

9 – Hairspray, make-up and a butane curling iron

10 – The family pet.

Top Ten Signs You Might Be Taking Your Calling as the Gospel Doctrine Teacher Too Seriously:

1 - Class members who forget their scriptures are threatened with their lives.

2 - You prepare your lessons one year in advance.

3- All of your visual aids are professionally made.

4 - You do not allow any noise in your classroom, including baby’s crying, coughing, sneezing, oxygen tanks and any labored breathing.

5 - You use Power Point.

To be continued...

TOP TEN REASONS WHY LDS PEOPLE SUFFER FROM MONDAY MORNING HANGOVERS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – They eat way too much food on Sunday.
2 – They take way too long of Sunday naps.
3 – They watch way too much television.
4 – It’s tiring trying to smile for three hours straight.
5 – It’s stressful teaching a lesson you’re preparing while you’re teaching it.
6 – It’s tiring trying not to sin all day long.
7 – It’s exhausting dressing way up in the morning and way down in the afternoon.
8 – It’s tiring to sleep through so many meetings.
9 – It’s tiring trying to keep thinking of things you can do on a day when you feel like you can't do anything at all.
10 – Chasing a three-year-old for two hours straight can also be very tiring.

CHOIRLY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SONGS THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR CANNOT EVER SING!!!

Top Ten Songs the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir Cannot Ever Sing!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1- 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
2 - All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight by Hank Williams Jr
3 - Three Cigarettes in an Ashtray by Patsy Cline
4 - Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright
5 - Puff the Magic Dragon
6 - Beat It
7 - Devil Went Down to Georgia
8 - Influenza by Ace Johnson
9 - My Time Ain’t Long by Annabelle Sanford
10 - Margaritaville

Undecided:
1 - We are the World
2 - Love Train
3 - Yellow Submarine

MUSICAL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE APPLICATION TO BE WARD CHORISTER

TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON
THE APPLICATION
TO BE WARD CHORISTER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1 - Type of wardrobe:
Clown
Old lady
Looking for a spousewear
High school teenager
Brittney Spears

2 - Type of glance:
Comforting
Validating
Authoritative
Killer (sing or else!)
I’d rather be anywhere else but here

3 - Type of smile:
Mannequin
Prozacial
Hitting on people
Sales

4 - Type of jewelry:
Jewelry for every holiday
Oversized
Undersized
Cheap
Cheap but looks expensive

5 - Type of wig:
Mile high
Cotton candy
Marge Simpson
Bouffant
Flat head
Wash ‘n wear

6 - Do you chew gum on Fast Sunday?

7 - Do you have false teeth?

8 - Do you chew gum with your false teeth?

9 – Type of nails?
Porcelain
Lee Press on
Guiness Book of World Record Length

10 - Have any of the following ever happened to you?
Fainted
Had a hole in the under arm of clothing
Phony nails fall off
Cry and can’t sing
Laugh and can’t sing
Accidentally poked self in eye
Lost beat of song and threw everybody off
Forgot words
Music stand fall over

If any of the above answers applied to you, congratulations, you are qualified to be the next Ward chorister.

TOP SELLING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS ITEMS SOLD ON EBAY

TOP TEN LDS ITEMS SOLD ON EBAY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – A piece of Gladys Knight’s left over French toast.
2 – A video tape of Donny Osmond’s last family birthday party.
3 – A bug in a jar that made it across the plains.
4 – One round-to-it
5 – A CD of Steve Young singing Christmas carols.
6 – A Basketball signed by Thurl Bailey before he joined the church.
7 – A copy of My Turn on Earth in Chinese.
8 – Someone’s calling as a Scoutmaster.
9 – A Primary picture with Johnny Depp in it as a visitor.
10 – A sealed envelope with a guaranteed date for when the millennium is to begin.

REDEEMABLE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST POPULAR LDS COUPONS

Top Ten Most Popular LDS Coupons:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Coupon good for saying “No” to one church calling.

2 – Coupon good for one free upgrade in the Celestial kingdom.

3 – Coupon good for claiming one year of 100 percent visiting/home teaching on all of your assignments.

4 – Coupon good for one free trade-in on any mission call assignment.

5 – Coupon good for forgiveness on committing one sin of your choice.

6 – Coupon good for being able to pursue the activity of your choice on any Sunday you choose.

7 – Coupon good for being able to choose, free of guilt, one R-rated movie of your choice.

8 – Coupon good for being able to use someone else’s food storage, should an emergency arise.

9 – Coupon good for being able to find out the scoop on one person of your choice in your Ward.
10 – Coupon good for being able to eat on the Fast Sunday of your choice.

TASTY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN UNOFFICIALLY APPROVED SACRAMENT MEETING TREATS

(HJB VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: This entry is inspired by attending Stake Conference on Sunday. Sat in the Cultural Hall, half way back, which means we got there just as the meeting started. As meeting wore on, the air conditioner did not kick in. The air became thick, became hard to breathe, maybe even suffocating; hot. In my despair, I glanced three rows in front of me just in time to witness what looked like a good LDS girl, sitting in her row with about ten other family members, pop open a can of soda! GEEZ! Some times life just isn’t fair! Have you ever seen any unusual things eaten in Stake Conference, or anything else crazy like that take place? Answer them in the comments section and I’ll post them, so we can all enjoy.

So, here’s to the girl who sat three rows in front of me:

Top Ten Unofficially Approved Sacrament Meeting Treats:

1 - Cheerios

2 - Fruit Loops

3 – Teddy Grahams

4 - Gum

5 – Tic Tacs

6 - Lifesavers

7 - Individually wrapped candies (Jolly Ranchers, Werther’s, taffy, bulk candy)

8 - Altoids

9 – Possibly a Capri Sun if hidden in scripture bag with just straw sticking out.

10 – Possibly that little cheese and cracker tray with the red spreading stick, if used slowly and quietly.

Top Ten UNAPPROVED Sacrament Meeting treats:

1 – SODA!!!!

2 – Pop rocks

3 - Popcorn

4 – Peanuts

5 – Doughnuts

6 – Lunchables

7 – McGriddle breakfast tray

8 – Beef jerky (Kristin)

9 – Pizza

10 – Roast with mashed potatoes and gravy