Top Ten Signs Your High Priest Group Leader
Might Be Too Old to Serve:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Following Sacrament Meeting, even if someone shouts, “Fire!” the High Priest Group Leader doesn’t move.
2 - The High Priest Group Leader begins High Priest’s Group Meeting by saying, “Good Morning, Brothers and Sisters. Welcome to our Ward Temple Night!”
3 - The High Priest Group Leader thinks searching for the dead means looking up old friends.
4 - It takes half the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to sit down and the other half of the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to get back up.
5 - Everyone in the room keeps asking one another, “Does the High Priest Group Leader look alive to you?”
6 – Whenever the High Priest Group Leader says the opening or closing prayer, everyone folds their arms and closes their eyes, then waits five minutes for the High Priest Group Leader to begin, only to open their eyes and find the H.P. Group Leader sound asleep.
7 – When the High Priest Group Leader leads the music, one person has to hold up the hymnbook while another person holds up his arm.
8 – Every time someone teaches a lesson and mentions our elder brother by name, the High Priest Group Leader shouts, “Amen!”
9 – By the time the High Priest Group Leader gets to High Priest Group meeting, the meeting is over.
10 - The High Priest Group Leader keeps asking, "Who's the High Priest Group Leader? How come we don't have a High Priest Group Leader?"
Friday, February 24, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
PRIMARY BURN OUT BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PRIMARY PRESIDENT MIGHT BE BURNED OUT
Top Ten Signs Your Primary President Might Be Burned Out:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Instead of having a reverence chart, she has an advent calendar posted in the front of the room, counting the days until she is released.
2 - For Sharing Time, the Primary watches Sponge Bob.
3 – Her Primary Theme for the month is, Enduring to the End Is Impossible.
4 - Whenever she sings the Hello song, she replaces Hello with Goodbye.
5 – For treats, she gives out candy cigarettes.
6 – Her phone message says, If you think this your Primary President, please hang up. You have dialed the wrong number.
7 – She’s on a Prozac I.V.
8 – She insists there should be a substitute called for her calling as well.
9 – She keeps standing on the folding chairs, trying to fall backwards.
10 – Holding up a paddle, she says, “Reverence begins with this!”
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Instead of having a reverence chart, she has an advent calendar posted in the front of the room, counting the days until she is released.
2 - For Sharing Time, the Primary watches Sponge Bob.
3 – Her Primary Theme for the month is, Enduring to the End Is Impossible.
4 - Whenever she sings the Hello song, she replaces Hello with Goodbye.
5 – For treats, she gives out candy cigarettes.
6 – Her phone message says, If you think this your Primary President, please hang up. You have dialed the wrong number.
7 – She’s on a Prozac I.V.
8 – She insists there should be a substitute called for her calling as well.
9 – She keeps standing on the folding chairs, trying to fall backwards.
10 – Holding up a paddle, she says, “Reverence begins with this!”
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
HAPPY VALENTINE'S BREAKING NEWS: VALENTINE'S CARDS FOR SOMETIMES OVERLOOKED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
Top Ten LDS Valentine’s Day Cards
to Sometimes-Overlooked
Members of the
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - To Our Home Teacher on Valentine’s Day: Even though you don’t know us and have never met us before, we’d still like to wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.
2 – To All Primary Substitute Teachers: Happy Valentine’s Day, and thanks for substituting for my class last week and the week before and the week before that.
P.S. Could you possibly substitute for me again this week?
3 – To the Ward Chorister: On this Valentine’s Day, we’d like to tell you how much we love the way you lead the music, especially how we only sing the first and last verse of “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief,” and never the six verses in between.
4 - To The Ward Clerk – We love you - your wig, your high-tide pants, your wrinkled shirt, short tie and lint-covered blazer. What would Sacrament Meeting be like without you?
5 – To The Chapel Ushers – We love the way you hand out the program each Sunday in your obsessive complusive way, making sure the front cover is always facing towards us and is turned the right way.
6 – To the Basketball Referees: Even though we beat you up, throw chairs at you and call you every name in the book, we still love you!!! Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
7 – To the Unofficial/Junior Gospel Doctrine Teacher: We love the way you sit on the front row of Sunday School class every week and nod your head, “yes” in response to every comment the teacher makes. Your approval of the teacher’s comments makes it seem as though you are teaching the class as well, or that you know as much if not more than the teacher and we love the reassurance this gives us that the Ward is well-suprevised by an extremely dedicated Gospel Doctrine expert.
8 – To Members of the Sunday School Presidency: Even though no one in any Ward could ever name any person who fills any position in the Sunday School Presidency, we still appreciate your willingness to serve.
9 – To the Bishop’s Wife: Happy Valentine’s Day. Oh, you didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day? Sorry. We know sometimes the Bishop’s wife IS the last to know, but we still love you anyway.
10 – To the Ward Welfare Specialist: Happy Valentine’s Day. We hope you enjoy this romantic meal of cracked wheat pie, nonfat dry milk shake, nuts and dried fruits, on a table made of non-flammable, water-resistant cardboard, to the subtle light of a 24-hour emergency candle! Happy Valentine's Day!
WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS
HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
In honor of my daughter honoring Valentine's Day (see greedykristian.com), I hereby post my 25 favorite chick flicks.
Disclaimer: Because happyjellybeans has not watched
25 movies in hjb's whole life, this was not an easy task,
but I tried my very hjb best:
Y 1 - Always
Y 2- Marvin’s Room
Y 3 – Truman Show (hey, hey, hey! Truman LOVED life!)
Y 4 - Camelot
Y 5 - Romeo and Juliet (from the 70’s)
Y 6 - Steel Magnolias
Y 7 - While You Were Sleeping
Y 8 - Sleepless in Seattle
Y 9 - The Music Man
Y 10 - The Sound of Music
Y 11 – Somewhere in Time
Y 12- Love Story (with Ali McGraw—stupid movie of the 70’s, but I watched it and cried like 19 times)
Y 13 – The Way we Were
Y 14 – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (strange, but very thought-provoking movie about love)
Y 15 – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Who didn’t fall in love with Paul Newman and Robert Redford every time?)
Y 16 – For that matter: Woodstock (I saw this like 50 times)
Y 17 – Hard Day’s Night – I LOVED the Beatles and screamed and sobbed every time I watched this movie
Y 18 - Yours, Mine and Ours - The old one with Henry Fonda.
Y 19 – I Love Lucy (not a movie, but she was my religion growing up)
Y 20 - The Three Stooges (giving too much of myself away now, but I loved them too, growing up. They were very influential in my formative years.)
Y 21 - The Story of the Making of the Hershey Bar (I wish they’d make this movie, with samples)
Y 22 - Greedy Kristian and Randy; a Love Story (how tender)
Y 23 - Grandcows are Such Special Things (check out greedykristian.com for more on this)
Y 24 – The Book of Mormon movie
Y 25 – My Step-Poppy, Your Step-Poppy; The World’s Greatest Love Story of all Time
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
In honor of my daughter honoring Valentine's Day (see greedykristian.com), I hereby post my 25 favorite chick flicks.
Disclaimer: Because happyjellybeans has not watched
25 movies in hjb's whole life, this was not an easy task,
but I tried my very hjb best:
Y 1 - Always
Y 2- Marvin’s Room
Y 3 – Truman Show (hey, hey, hey! Truman LOVED life!)
Y 4 - Camelot
Y 5 - Romeo and Juliet (from the 70’s)
Y 6 - Steel Magnolias
Y 7 - While You Were Sleeping
Y 8 - Sleepless in Seattle
Y 9 - The Music Man
Y 10 - The Sound of Music
Y 11 – Somewhere in Time
Y 12- Love Story (with Ali McGraw—stupid movie of the 70’s, but I watched it and cried like 19 times)
Y 13 – The Way we Were
Y 14 – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (strange, but very thought-provoking movie about love)
Y 15 – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Who didn’t fall in love with Paul Newman and Robert Redford every time?)
Y 16 – For that matter: Woodstock (I saw this like 50 times)
Y 17 – Hard Day’s Night – I LOVED the Beatles and screamed and sobbed every time I watched this movie
Y 18 - Yours, Mine and Ours - The old one with Henry Fonda.
Y 19 – I Love Lucy (not a movie, but she was my religion growing up)
Y 20 - The Three Stooges (giving too much of myself away now, but I loved them too, growing up. They were very influential in my formative years.)
Y 21 - The Story of the Making of the Hershey Bar (I wish they’d make this movie, with samples)
Y 22 - Greedy Kristian and Randy; a Love Story (how tender)
Y 23 - Grandcows are Such Special Things (check out greedykristian.com for more on this)
Y 24 – The Book of Mormon movie
Y 25 – My Step-Poppy, Your Step-Poppy; The World’s Greatest Love Story of all Time
(Feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment)
Monday, February 13, 2006
OLYMPIC BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS RELIEF SOCIETY OLYMPIC EVENTS
Top Ten LDS Relief Society Olympic Events:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - The Delluge – Which Relief Society is the most overwhelmed?
2 - Speedriving to Church meetings: Watch the sisters race to see who can drive to church the fastest.
3 - Cryatholon – Who will cry the hardest during R.S. Testmony meeting?
4 - Nice Hockey – Who can be the nicest of all the Relief Society sisters, really?
5 - Curling Iron – Best hairstyle with special emphasis paid to bangs.
6 - Doughboarding – Watch the sister compete in whose dough will rise the highest.
7 - Figure Hating – See the sisters interviewed to see who hates whose figure the most.
8 - The scaleleton – See which sister hates her bathroom scale the most.
9 - Downhill creaking – Watch the older sisters race to the Relief Society room to get the best seat.
10 - Mobsled – See who survives a mobbing generated by a huge scrapbook sale.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - The Delluge – Which Relief Society is the most overwhelmed?
2 - Speedriving to Church meetings: Watch the sisters race to see who can drive to church the fastest.
3 - Cryatholon – Who will cry the hardest during R.S. Testmony meeting?
4 - Nice Hockey – Who can be the nicest of all the Relief Society sisters, really?
5 - Curling Iron – Best hairstyle with special emphasis paid to bangs.
6 - Doughboarding – Watch the sister compete in whose dough will rise the highest.
7 - Figure Hating – See the sisters interviewed to see who hates whose figure the most.
8 - The scaleleton – See which sister hates her bathroom scale the most.
9 - Downhill creaking – Watch the older sisters race to the Relief Society room to get the best seat.
10 - Mobsled – See who survives a mobbing generated by a huge scrapbook sale.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
GARDEN OF EDEN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE
MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER
HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF
THE LATTER-DAY SAINT CHURCH:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - “Eve, you ate one of those apples? Dang!”
2 - “Adam, I thought for Family Home Evening tonight, we’d talk about being tempted to partake of the tree of life.”
3 - “But, Eve, we don’t have to do our genealogy because we don’t have any ancestors!”
4 - “Adam, I’m going over to the church now to drop off my Fig Funeral Casserole.”
5 - “Does tithing mean giving 1/10th of our fig leaf to the church too?”
6 - “Adam, look what we made at Enrichment Night tonight: We made couch pillows out of coats of skin. Aren’t they cute?”
7 – “Adam, do you know when the next D.I. drive is? I have a ton of stuff I need to get rid of.”
8 – “Eve, I’m going over to the church now to help the Ward clean-up all of those thorns and thistles.”
9 – “Eve, now that I’ve been kicked out of the garden, what will happen to me if I don’t hearken unto you any more?”
10 – “With all of these trees around here, we have more than a two year’s supply of food.”
MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER
HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF
THE LATTER-DAY SAINT CHURCH:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - “Eve, you ate one of those apples? Dang!”
2 - “Adam, I thought for Family Home Evening tonight, we’d talk about being tempted to partake of the tree of life.”
3 - “But, Eve, we don’t have to do our genealogy because we don’t have any ancestors!”
4 - “Adam, I’m going over to the church now to drop off my Fig Funeral Casserole.”
5 - “Does tithing mean giving 1/10th of our fig leaf to the church too?”
6 - “Adam, look what we made at Enrichment Night tonight: We made couch pillows out of coats of skin. Aren’t they cute?”
7 – “Adam, do you know when the next D.I. drive is? I have a ton of stuff I need to get rid of.”
8 – “Eve, I’m going over to the church now to help the Ward clean-up all of those thorns and thistles.”
9 – “Eve, now that I’ve been kicked out of the garden, what will happen to me if I don’t hearken unto you any more?”
10 – “With all of these trees around here, we have more than a two year’s supply of food.”
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
SABBATH DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN ITEMS LDS WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY
TOP TEN ITEMS LDS PEOPLE WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Toilet paper: No comment.
2 - Prescriptions: It’s either that or run the risk of dying.
3 - Gasoline: It’s either that or stay home from church.
4 - Forgotten ingredient in a recipe: It’s either that or throw away good food.
5 - Class treat: It’s either that or deal with an irreverent class and possibly ask to be released.
6 – Poster board: It’s either that or have the class not understand what the heck is being taught.
7 - Baby food: It’s either that or the baby could starve.
8 - Dog food: It’s either that or the dog could starve.
9 – Newspaper: It’s that or miss knowing if the last day is finally here (plus peeking at all of the sports scores).
10 – Cookies/candy/soda: No comment.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Toilet paper: No comment.
2 - Prescriptions: It’s either that or run the risk of dying.
3 - Gasoline: It’s either that or stay home from church.
4 - Forgotten ingredient in a recipe: It’s either that or throw away good food.
5 - Class treat: It’s either that or deal with an irreverent class and possibly ask to be released.
6 – Poster board: It’s either that or have the class not understand what the heck is being taught.
7 - Baby food: It’s either that or the baby could starve.
8 - Dog food: It’s either that or the dog could starve.
9 – Newspaper: It’s that or miss knowing if the last day is finally here (plus peeking at all of the sports scores).
10 – Cookies/candy/soda: No comment.
Friday, February 03, 2006
SUPER BOWL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES THE SUPER BOWL IS AN LDS INSPIRED EVENT
TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES
THE SUPER BOWL IS A TOTALLY INSPIRED
LDS EVENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – As a result of inspiration, Mormon, Lee Johnson's 63-yard punt, in Super Bowl XXIII, was the longest punt in Super Bowl history.
2 – Former Cougar. Jim McMahon -- from church inspired school, BYU -- was responsible for two rushing touchdowns in Super Bowl XX, holding second place in all-time touchdowns scored and rushing touchdowns in a Super Bowl game.
3 - In this year's Super Bowl, Seattle has two former BYU coaches and one former BYU player on its team. The Pittsburgh Steelers have three former BYU defensive linemen on its team.
4 – Mormon, Fred Brown, invented Detroit’s Ford Field Stadium.
5 – Mormon, Sylia Stansworth, designed the seats in the stadium.
6 - Mormon, Philo T. Farnsworth, invented the television so that four billion people all over the world can watch the Super Bowl.
7 – Former friend of many Mormons, Orville B. Redenbacher invented popcorn so we would all have something to eat while watching the game.
8 – Claymation commericials were designed by a company in Provo.
9 – Clydesdale horses were trained by former Mormon, Sonja Johnson.
10 – The air inside the Goodyear Blimp is personally filled by a close friend of Orin Hatch, Ted Kennedy.
THE SUPER BOWL IS A TOTALLY INSPIRED
LDS EVENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – As a result of inspiration, Mormon, Lee Johnson's 63-yard punt, in Super Bowl XXIII, was the longest punt in Super Bowl history.
2 – Former Cougar. Jim McMahon -- from church inspired school, BYU -- was responsible for two rushing touchdowns in Super Bowl XX, holding second place in all-time touchdowns scored and rushing touchdowns in a Super Bowl game.
3 - In this year's Super Bowl, Seattle has two former BYU coaches and one former BYU player on its team. The Pittsburgh Steelers have three former BYU defensive linemen on its team.
4 – Mormon, Fred Brown, invented Detroit’s Ford Field Stadium.
5 – Mormon, Sylia Stansworth, designed the seats in the stadium.
6 - Mormon, Philo T. Farnsworth, invented the television so that four billion people all over the world can watch the Super Bowl.
7 – Former friend of many Mormons, Orville B. Redenbacher invented popcorn so we would all have something to eat while watching the game.
8 – Claymation commericials were designed by a company in Provo.
9 – Clydesdale horses were trained by former Mormon, Sonja Johnson.
10 – The air inside the Goodyear Blimp is personally filled by a close friend of Orin Hatch, Ted Kennedy.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
RIGHTFUL BREAKING NEWS: LDS BILL OF RIGHTS
TOP TEN LDS BILL OF RIGHTS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - I have the right to sit in the same seat at church because it’s the only place I feel truly inspired.
2 - I have the right to keep every compassionate service dish I have received and neglected to return the last six years.
3 - I have the right to not give a lesson once a year because I’d rather talk about the Super Bowl instead.
4 - I have the right to believe I might still be going to the Celestial Kingdom, even though I just got back from Wendover.
5 - I have the right to crash anything my home teaching families might be in the middle of -- including sleeping, family parties or grandpa dying on the family couch because I believe so strongly in the home teaching program.
6 - I have the right to criticize what my neighbor does on Sunday, even though what I do on Saturday is probably worse.
7 - I have the right to put lipstick on my lips and tell the Primary children I am going to kiss them if they don’t sing because, by doing this, they actually do sing louder.
8 - I have the right to knock on my neighbor’s door, at any chosen moment, and scream, “The end of the world is here!” because this might make him want to finally take the missionary discussions.
9 - I have the right to consider myself as having read the Book or Mormon, even though I have never gotten past the “compare to Isaiah” part.
10 - I have the right to put whatever I want into the church hymnal holder because my tithing helps pay for this and it looks so much like a mini-trashcan holder too.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - I have the right to sit in the same seat at church because it’s the only place I feel truly inspired.
2 - I have the right to keep every compassionate service dish I have received and neglected to return the last six years.
3 - I have the right to not give a lesson once a year because I’d rather talk about the Super Bowl instead.
4 - I have the right to believe I might still be going to the Celestial Kingdom, even though I just got back from Wendover.
5 - I have the right to crash anything my home teaching families might be in the middle of -- including sleeping, family parties or grandpa dying on the family couch because I believe so strongly in the home teaching program.
6 - I have the right to criticize what my neighbor does on Sunday, even though what I do on Saturday is probably worse.
7 - I have the right to put lipstick on my lips and tell the Primary children I am going to kiss them if they don’t sing because, by doing this, they actually do sing louder.
8 - I have the right to knock on my neighbor’s door, at any chosen moment, and scream, “The end of the world is here!” because this might make him want to finally take the missionary discussions.
9 - I have the right to consider myself as having read the Book or Mormon, even though I have never gotten past the “compare to Isaiah” part.
10 - I have the right to put whatever I want into the church hymnal holder because my tithing helps pay for this and it looks so much like a mini-trashcan holder too.
Friday, January 27, 2006
NURSERY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ABLE
TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Sorry, but I have a bad back and I'm not supposed to pick up any children.
2 – Sorry, but I have a contagious disease and I don’t want to get any of the children sick.
3 – Sorry, but I’ll be on vacation (a vacation that was just planned).
4 – Sorry but I won’t be attending church that Sunday (a decision that was just made).
5 – I never had any kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
6 – I;ve had twelve kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
7 – Sorry, but I go to church to receive inspiration and the nursery is just not inspired.
8 – Sorry, but I get sick at the sight of snot.
9 – Sorry, but I’m afraid I might be a child abuser and I wouldn’t want to put any of the children’s physical safety in danger.
10 – Sorry, but I suffer from kleptomania and I cannot put myself in a position where I might steal the children’s toys or food or any of their other belongings.
TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Sorry, but I have a bad back and I'm not supposed to pick up any children.
2 – Sorry, but I have a contagious disease and I don’t want to get any of the children sick.
3 – Sorry, but I’ll be on vacation (a vacation that was just planned).
4 – Sorry but I won’t be attending church that Sunday (a decision that was just made).
5 – I never had any kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
6 – I;ve had twelve kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
7 – Sorry, but I go to church to receive inspiration and the nursery is just not inspired.
8 – Sorry, but I get sick at the sight of snot.
9 – Sorry, but I’m afraid I might be a child abuser and I wouldn’t want to put any of the children’s physical safety in danger.
10 – Sorry, but I suffer from kleptomania and I cannot put myself in a position where I might steal the children’s toys or food or any of their other belongings.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
ELDERLY BREAKING NEWS: TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE TOO OLD TO SERVE A MISSION
Top Ten Signs You Might Be Too Old
To Serve a Mission
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - When you say to someone, “I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, would you like to know more?” they tell you to quit yelling at them.
2 - You tell the lady at the door what a nice dog she’s holding and she says, “This isn’t a dog, this is my baby!”
3 - When an investigator gives you a treat, you take out your teeth so you can chew it better.
4 - While putting on your lipstick, you see a bumper sticker that says, "God created a few perfect heads and the rest He gave hair," and it reminds you to put on your wig.
5 - When you hear the mission rule is to be in bed by 10:00 p.m., you can’t believe it -- that’s four hours past your bedtime!
6 - Your idea of tracting is making it from your bedroom to the bathroom.
7 – While other missionaries are going crazy ‘cause they forgot their scriptures, you’re going crazy ‘cause you forgot your glasses.
8 – While other missionaries are receiving Dear Johns from their friends, you’re receiving obituary notices of your friends.
9 – To you “the gray area of the Gospel” refers to your friends in the High Priests Quorum.
10 – Teaching about not being able to remember anything that happened before this life seems trivial compared to not being able to remember anything that happened before this visit.
To Serve a Mission
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - When you say to someone, “I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, would you like to know more?” they tell you to quit yelling at them.
2 - You tell the lady at the door what a nice dog she’s holding and she says, “This isn’t a dog, this is my baby!”
3 - When an investigator gives you a treat, you take out your teeth so you can chew it better.
4 - While putting on your lipstick, you see a bumper sticker that says, "God created a few perfect heads and the rest He gave hair," and it reminds you to put on your wig.
5 - When you hear the mission rule is to be in bed by 10:00 p.m., you can’t believe it -- that’s four hours past your bedtime!
6 - Your idea of tracting is making it from your bedroom to the bathroom.
7 – While other missionaries are going crazy ‘cause they forgot their scriptures, you’re going crazy ‘cause you forgot your glasses.
8 – While other missionaries are receiving Dear Johns from their friends, you’re receiving obituary notices of your friends.
9 – To you “the gray area of the Gospel” refers to your friends in the High Priests Quorum.
10 – Teaching about not being able to remember anything that happened before this life seems trivial compared to not being able to remember anything that happened before this visit.
Friday, January 20, 2006
SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOUR TEENAGE SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GO WELL
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR TEENAGE SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GO WELL:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – When you go to open the door, you discover the students are all piled up against it to barricade you out.
2 – There’s no noise coming from your classroom, but tons of noise coming from the boy’s and girl’s restrooms.
3 - You open the door to find everyone engaged in a jabbing fight using the folding chairs.
4 – The classroom is empty, but there’s a note on the table that reads, “Ha, ha, ha, dare you to find us.”
5 - There’s so much noise in the classroom that the Sunday School Presidency opens the door and says, “I heard all this noise and thought I should check and make sure everyone is okay in here.”
6 - No one volunteers to say the opening prayer.
7 - After being rope-tied to your seat, someone says, “Now, give us the treats, or else.”
8 – The chalkboard reads, “This class stinks.”
9 – About the only religious conversation you can generate is one about a robbery that happened to one of the member’s the night before.
10 – One of the kids says they have a neat story to share about the prophet, President Bush.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – When you go to open the door, you discover the students are all piled up against it to barricade you out.
2 – There’s no noise coming from your classroom, but tons of noise coming from the boy’s and girl’s restrooms.
3 - You open the door to find everyone engaged in a jabbing fight using the folding chairs.
4 – The classroom is empty, but there’s a note on the table that reads, “Ha, ha, ha, dare you to find us.”
5 - There’s so much noise in the classroom that the Sunday School Presidency opens the door and says, “I heard all this noise and thought I should check and make sure everyone is okay in here.”
6 - No one volunteers to say the opening prayer.
7 - After being rope-tied to your seat, someone says, “Now, give us the treats, or else.”
8 – The chalkboard reads, “This class stinks.”
9 – About the only religious conversation you can generate is one about a robbery that happened to one of the member’s the night before.
10 – One of the kids says they have a neat story to share about the prophet, President Bush.
Friday, January 13, 2006
TREAT BREAKING NEWS: APPROPRIATE TREATS TO SERVE IN PRIMARY BECAUSE THEY ARE FOUND IN THE SCRIPTURES
Appropriate Treats to Serve in Primary Because They Are Found in the Scriptures!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Apple: Found in the Bible: Apple eaten in the Garden of Eden
2 - Bread: Found in the Bible: Bread of life
3 – Bit ‘o Honey: Found in the Bible: Land flowed with milk and honey.
4 - Baby Ruth: Found in the Bible: A baby lying in a…
5 - Sunny Delight: Found in the Bible: God created the sun.
6 - Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: Found in the Bible: I will take the cup of salvation.
7 – King-sized M&Ms: Found in the Bible: King Herod
8 – Ham and Turkey Sandwich: Found in the Book of Mormon: And it came to pass…
9 – Bar-be-qued steaks: Found in the Bible: Be thou…
10 - Lunch at McDonald’s: Found in the Bible: And begat Terah…
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Apple: Found in the Bible: Apple eaten in the Garden of Eden
2 - Bread: Found in the Bible: Bread of life
3 – Bit ‘o Honey: Found in the Bible: Land flowed with milk and honey.
4 - Baby Ruth: Found in the Bible: A baby lying in a…
5 - Sunny Delight: Found in the Bible: God created the sun.
6 - Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: Found in the Bible: I will take the cup of salvation.
7 – King-sized M&Ms: Found in the Bible: King Herod
8 – Ham and Turkey Sandwich: Found in the Book of Mormon: And it came to pass…
9 – Bar-be-qued steaks: Found in the Bible: Be thou…
10 - Lunch at McDonald’s: Found in the Bible: And begat Terah…
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
LIBRARY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT RETURNING MATERIALS TO THE LIBRARY ON TIME
Top Ten Excuses
for Not Returning Library Materials
to the Library on Time
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – “I’ll bring it next week.” (This comment is repeated every week until person is no longer in the ward.)
2 – “I had a non member friend who was so interested in seeing that video that I gave it to him.”
3 – “I thought we got to keep anything the library gave us.”
4 – “I’ll be honest. I had one magazine for each month of last year, but I was missing that magazine to complete my set, so, I’m sure the ward will understand.”
5 – “I am sooooo sorry. My baby drooled all over it, then ripped it to shreds last week in Sacrament meeting.”
6 – “Oh shoot. I used that picture of Samuel the Lamanite as a liner in one of the boxes I packed last week for our upcoming move.”
7 – “Some of the kids asked, so I told them they could take those scissors home.”
8 – “My daughter put that picture of Nephi up in her room.”
9 – “Every time I remember to bring the materials, the library is always closed.”
10- “I gave all of those materials to Brother Simmons and he said he would return them.”
for Not Returning Library Materials
to the Library on Time
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – “I’ll bring it next week.” (This comment is repeated every week until person is no longer in the ward.)
2 – “I had a non member friend who was so interested in seeing that video that I gave it to him.”
3 – “I thought we got to keep anything the library gave us.”
4 – “I’ll be honest. I had one magazine for each month of last year, but I was missing that magazine to complete my set, so, I’m sure the ward will understand.”
5 – “I am sooooo sorry. My baby drooled all over it, then ripped it to shreds last week in Sacrament meeting.”
6 – “Oh shoot. I used that picture of Samuel the Lamanite as a liner in one of the boxes I packed last week for our upcoming move.”
7 – “Some of the kids asked, so I told them they could take those scissors home.”
8 – “My daughter put that picture of Nephi up in her room.”
9 – “Every time I remember to bring the materials, the library is always closed.”
10- “I gave all of those materials to Brother Simmons and he said he would return them.”
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
SIGN-UP SHEET ETIQUETTE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN TIPS FOR SIGN-UP SHEET ETIQUETTE
Top Ten Tips for Sign-Up Sheet Etiquette:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Make sure to never intentionally steal the pen that goes with the sign-up sheet.
2. Never jab the person next to you in his or her upper arm with the clip-board.
3. Sign only one name at a time, and only for the person who is truly in attendance.
4. Be careful not to make so much noise shuffling through all of the sign-up sheets that people become distracted by your actions.
5. Never erase another person’s name to put your name in that person’s place for an assignment you would rather have than the only one’s that's left available.
6. Never take the Sign-up sheet(s) home with you.
7. Never take the Sign-up sheet clipboard home with you, even though you think it’s cute and could really, really use it.
8. Never look at all of the other names on the list and match them up with the people in the room to find out who refused to sign the sign-up sheet.
9. Only sign your real name and not the name of a famous actor or actress.
10. Make sure to rotate the list around the room in the direction it has been going to avoid sending the entire classroom into complete, utter and nearly irreversible confusion.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Make sure to never intentionally steal the pen that goes with the sign-up sheet.
2. Never jab the person next to you in his or her upper arm with the clip-board.
3. Sign only one name at a time, and only for the person who is truly in attendance.
4. Be careful not to make so much noise shuffling through all of the sign-up sheets that people become distracted by your actions.
5. Never erase another person’s name to put your name in that person’s place for an assignment you would rather have than the only one’s that's left available.
6. Never take the Sign-up sheet(s) home with you.
7. Never take the Sign-up sheet clipboard home with you, even though you think it’s cute and could really, really use it.
8. Never look at all of the other names on the list and match them up with the people in the room to find out who refused to sign the sign-up sheet.
9. Only sign your real name and not the name of a famous actor or actress.
10. Make sure to rotate the list around the room in the direction it has been going to avoid sending the entire classroom into complete, utter and nearly irreversible confusion.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Never Before Heard Responses Breaking News: Top Things Never Before Said in Response to Being Called as the Nest Ward Gospel Doctrine Teacher
Top Things Never Before Said in Response to Being Called as the Next Ward Gospel Doctrine Teacher:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – I guess this means I have to start coming back to church, right?
2 - But I really don’t know anything about the Bible or the Book of Narmon.
3 - I want you to know, Bishop, that I’ve been anticipating this job for a very long time because of my incredible depth of knowledge and unbelievable scriptural insight that has helped me far exceed everyone else in the Ward around me when it comes to correct gospel doctrine.
4 – Yes, I’d certainly be willing to try this… the day after I kick my smoking habit.
5 – But, I just heard on the news this morning that they were doing away with Sunday School.
6 – Teaching the doctrine is not what I have a hard time with, it’s, WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?
7 – Oh yes! I just got Power Point and can’t wait to use it.
8 – Sure. Now, this is the class for investigators, right?
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – I guess this means I have to start coming back to church, right?
2 - But I really don’t know anything about the Bible or the Book of Narmon.
3 - I want you to know, Bishop, that I’ve been anticipating this job for a very long time because of my incredible depth of knowledge and unbelievable scriptural insight that has helped me far exceed everyone else in the Ward around me when it comes to correct gospel doctrine.
4 – Yes, I’d certainly be willing to try this… the day after I kick my smoking habit.
5 – But, I just heard on the news this morning that they were doing away with Sunday School.
6 – Teaching the doctrine is not what I have a hard time with, it’s, WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?
7 – Oh yes! I just got Power Point and can’t wait to use it.
8 – Sure. Now, this is the class for investigators, right?
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Tithing Settlement Breaking News: Top Ten Things LDS People Fear Discovering at Their Annual Tithing Settlement
TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE FEAR DISCOVERING
AT THEIR ANNUAL TITHING SETTLEMENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. That someone found their tithing settlement statement -- which only included part of their tithing payments -- on the floor of the church foyer.
2. That between the church records and their records, they really are $3,000.00 behind.
3. That as long as they are are at their tithing settlement, the Bishopric would like to go ahead and extend a new calling to them as the next Ward Camp Director.
4. That they really are behind in paying a full tithing and it’s too late to submit any more donations.
5. That they thought they paid every month, but they really only paid every other month.
6. That the make-up check they submitted last week bounced.
7. That the Bishop was suddenly hospitalized and turned tithing settlement over to a man they would prefer never know how much money they earn annually.
8. That their tithing is paid in full, but complaints have been received regarding their children's behaviors.
9. That the Bishop’s door was accidentally left ajar during their entire tithing settlement.
10. That they show up for their appointment only to find no one there, and discover tithing settlement is over and everyone they need to settle up with is out of town until after the New Year.
AT THEIR ANNUAL TITHING SETTLEMENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. That someone found their tithing settlement statement -- which only included part of their tithing payments -- on the floor of the church foyer.
2. That between the church records and their records, they really are $3,000.00 behind.
3. That as long as they are are at their tithing settlement, the Bishopric would like to go ahead and extend a new calling to them as the next Ward Camp Director.
4. That they really are behind in paying a full tithing and it’s too late to submit any more donations.
5. That they thought they paid every month, but they really only paid every other month.
6. That the make-up check they submitted last week bounced.
7. That the Bishop was suddenly hospitalized and turned tithing settlement over to a man they would prefer never know how much money they earn annually.
8. That their tithing is paid in full, but complaints have been received regarding their children's behaviors.
9. That the Bishop’s door was accidentally left ajar during their entire tithing settlement.
10. That they show up for their appointment only to find no one there, and discover tithing settlement is over and everyone they need to settle up with is out of town until after the New Year.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
HAPPYNEWYEAR BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always make:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created here on the face of the Earth!
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always break:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created on the face of the Earth.
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always make:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created here on the face of the Earth!
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always break:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created on the face of the Earth.
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
Friday, December 23, 2005
YULETIDE BREAKING NEWS: LDS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS
LDS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Billy, the Red-nosed Nursery Kid
A Christmas Story About Why I Was Unable to Spend the Holidays With My Family in Florida Because I Couldn't Find a Substitute for My Class
I’m Dreaming of a Red and Green Jell-o Christmas
It’s a Wonderful Life on Prozac
Christmas Vacation with the Steed Family
The Grinch Who Keeps Stealing Church Magazines out of the Library Needs to Bring Them Back!
Home for the Holidays Instead of Doing My Home Teaching
A Genealogy Christmas Carol With All of Your Long, Lost Relatives -- Past, Present and Future
A Very Brady Christmas and Other Polygamist Hairstyles
The Bishop’s Wife Sits Alone Every Sunday at Church
Miracle on 34th Street That No One Ever Gets Ticketed on Their Way to Church
The Nutcracker, Nuts and Other Food Storage Items No Food Storage Should Be Without
The Polar Bear High Priest Who Took So Long to Express His Opinion in Sunday School Class That Eventually Everyone Left To Go To Their Next Meeting
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Billy, the Red-nosed Nursery Kid
A Christmas Story About Why I Was Unable to Spend the Holidays With My Family in Florida Because I Couldn't Find a Substitute for My Class
I’m Dreaming of a Red and Green Jell-o Christmas
It’s a Wonderful Life on Prozac
Christmas Vacation with the Steed Family
The Grinch Who Keeps Stealing Church Magazines out of the Library Needs to Bring Them Back!
Home for the Holidays Instead of Doing My Home Teaching
A Genealogy Christmas Carol With All of Your Long, Lost Relatives -- Past, Present and Future
A Very Brady Christmas and Other Polygamist Hairstyles
The Bishop’s Wife Sits Alone Every Sunday at Church
Miracle on 34th Street That No One Ever Gets Ticketed on Their Way to Church
The Nutcracker, Nuts and Other Food Storage Items No Food Storage Should Be Without
The Polar Bear High Priest Who Took So Long to Express His Opinion in Sunday School Class That Eventually Everyone Left To Go To Their Next Meeting
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
CAROLING BREAKING NEWS: LDS CHRISTMAS CAROLS
LDS CHRISTMAS CAROLS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
DECK THE HALLS
Deck the cultural hall with pows and vollies,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
‘Tis the season for shucks and gollies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our sports apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Getting’ ready for some church ball peril,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing bro’s before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the ref and join the ruckus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the Ward’s sportsmanship treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Go up in smoke for one team’s measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast forward to more shots and passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail there’s a new ref, lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
But this one’s not like all the others
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
This one’s one of the player’s mothers!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
FAMILY HOME EVENING'S COMIN' TONIGHT
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
A list is being made about this and that;
Complaints about the fam all the way down to the cat
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight.
We know we're supposed to give,
We know we're supposed to take,
But it’s not about all of this,
It’s Family Home Evening for goodness sake!
Oh, you better get scared, you better toughen up
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
DECK THE HALLS
Deck the cultural hall with pows and vollies,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
‘Tis the season for shucks and gollies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our sports apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Getting’ ready for some church ball peril,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing bro’s before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the ref and join the ruckus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the Ward’s sportsmanship treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Go up in smoke for one team’s measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast forward to more shots and passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail there’s a new ref, lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
But this one’s not like all the others
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
This one’s one of the player’s mothers!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
FAMILY HOME EVENING'S COMIN' TONIGHT
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
A list is being made about this and that;
Complaints about the fam all the way down to the cat
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight.
We know we're supposed to give,
We know we're supposed to take,
But it’s not about all of this,
It’s Family Home Evening for goodness sake!
Oh, you better get scared, you better toughen up
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight!
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