TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE FEAR DISCOVERING
AT THEIR ANNUAL TITHING SETTLEMENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. That someone found their tithing settlement statement -- which only included part of their tithing payments -- on the floor of the church foyer.
2. That between the church records and their records, they really are $3,000.00 behind.
3. That as long as they are are at their tithing settlement, the Bishopric would like to go ahead and extend a new calling to them as the next Ward Camp Director.
4. That they really are behind in paying a full tithing and it’s too late to submit any more donations.
5. That they thought they paid every month, but they really only paid every other month.
6. That the make-up check they submitted last week bounced.
7. That the Bishop was suddenly hospitalized and turned tithing settlement over to a man they would prefer never know how much money they earn annually.
8. That their tithing is paid in full, but complaints have been received regarding their children's behaviors.
9. That the Bishop’s door was accidentally left ajar during their entire tithing settlement.
10. That they show up for their appointment only to find no one there, and discover tithing settlement is over and everyone they need to settle up with is out of town until after the New Year.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
HAPPYNEWYEAR BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always make:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created here on the face of the Earth!
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always break:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created on the face of the Earth.
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
LDS PEOPLE MAKE AND BREAK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always make:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created here on the face of the Earth!
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions LDS people always break:
1. Stop drinking and/or eating ALL caffeinated products ever created on the face of the Earth.
2. Read the Book of Mormon, absolutely, word for word, from cover to cover.
3. Pray, on knees, morning, noon and night.
4. Fast every single month for at least twenty-four hours.
5. Write ten pages in journal every single day.
6. Stay awake for entire three-hour block of church.
7. Do my genealogy for at least five generations back.
8. Do 100 percent home/visiting teaching every single month and give a message at each home visited.
9. Engage in heavy aerobic exercise for at least one hour every single day.
10. Be extremely patient with everyone around me.
Friday, December 23, 2005
YULETIDE BREAKING NEWS: LDS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS
LDS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Billy, the Red-nosed Nursery Kid
A Christmas Story About Why I Was Unable to Spend the Holidays With My Family in Florida Because I Couldn't Find a Substitute for My Class
I’m Dreaming of a Red and Green Jell-o Christmas
It’s a Wonderful Life on Prozac
Christmas Vacation with the Steed Family
The Grinch Who Keeps Stealing Church Magazines out of the Library Needs to Bring Them Back!
Home for the Holidays Instead of Doing My Home Teaching
A Genealogy Christmas Carol With All of Your Long, Lost Relatives -- Past, Present and Future
A Very Brady Christmas and Other Polygamist Hairstyles
The Bishop’s Wife Sits Alone Every Sunday at Church
Miracle on 34th Street That No One Ever Gets Ticketed on Their Way to Church
The Nutcracker, Nuts and Other Food Storage Items No Food Storage Should Be Without
The Polar Bear High Priest Who Took So Long to Express His Opinion in Sunday School Class That Eventually Everyone Left To Go To Their Next Meeting
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Billy, the Red-nosed Nursery Kid
A Christmas Story About Why I Was Unable to Spend the Holidays With My Family in Florida Because I Couldn't Find a Substitute for My Class
I’m Dreaming of a Red and Green Jell-o Christmas
It’s a Wonderful Life on Prozac
Christmas Vacation with the Steed Family
The Grinch Who Keeps Stealing Church Magazines out of the Library Needs to Bring Them Back!
Home for the Holidays Instead of Doing My Home Teaching
A Genealogy Christmas Carol With All of Your Long, Lost Relatives -- Past, Present and Future
A Very Brady Christmas and Other Polygamist Hairstyles
The Bishop’s Wife Sits Alone Every Sunday at Church
Miracle on 34th Street That No One Ever Gets Ticketed on Their Way to Church
The Nutcracker, Nuts and Other Food Storage Items No Food Storage Should Be Without
The Polar Bear High Priest Who Took So Long to Express His Opinion in Sunday School Class That Eventually Everyone Left To Go To Their Next Meeting
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
CAROLING BREAKING NEWS: LDS CHRISTMAS CAROLS
LDS CHRISTMAS CAROLS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
DECK THE HALLS
Deck the cultural hall with pows and vollies,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
‘Tis the season for shucks and gollies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our sports apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Getting’ ready for some church ball peril,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing bro’s before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the ref and join the ruckus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the Ward’s sportsmanship treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Go up in smoke for one team’s measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast forward to more shots and passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail there’s a new ref, lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
But this one’s not like all the others
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
This one’s one of the player’s mothers!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
FAMILY HOME EVENING'S COMIN' TONIGHT
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
A list is being made about this and that;
Complaints about the fam all the way down to the cat
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight.
We know we're supposed to give,
We know we're supposed to take,
But it’s not about all of this,
It’s Family Home Evening for goodness sake!
Oh, you better get scared, you better toughen up
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
DECK THE HALLS
Deck the cultural hall with pows and vollies,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
‘Tis the season for shucks and gollies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our sports apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Getting’ ready for some church ball peril,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing bro’s before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the ref and join the ruckus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the Ward’s sportsmanship treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Go up in smoke for one team’s measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast forward to more shots and passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail there’s a new ref, lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
But this one’s not like all the others
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
This one’s one of the player’s mothers!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
FAMILY HOME EVENING'S COMIN' TONIGHT
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
A list is being made about this and that;
Complaints about the fam all the way down to the cat
’cause Family Home Evening’s comin’ tonight.
You better get scared, you better toughen up,
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up,
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight.
We know we're supposed to give,
We know we're supposed to take,
But it’s not about all of this,
It’s Family Home Evening for goodness sake!
Oh, you better get scared, you better toughen up
Better be prepared about gettin’ roughed up
’cause Family Home Evening’s coming tonight!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
OCCUPATIONAL BREAKING NEWS: LDS OCCUPATIONAL DEATH POSTINGS
LDS OCCUPATIONAL-DEATH POSTINGS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Old Genealogists never die, they just fill in all their blanks.
Old Scrapbookers never die, they just reach the end of their tape.
Old Primary choristers never die, they just hold that one last note.
Old Sunday School teachers never die, they just end up boring themselves to death.
Old Scoutmasters never die, they just put out that one last fire.
Old Home Teachers never die, they just finally made that one visit .. to Heaven.
Old Organists never die, they just put their foot down.
Old Executive Secretaries never die, they just scheduled a meeting in Heaven.
Old Relief Society Presidents never die, their casserole just finally became fully baked.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Old Genealogists never die, they just fill in all their blanks.
Old Scrapbookers never die, they just reach the end of their tape.
Old Primary choristers never die, they just hold that one last note.
Old Sunday School teachers never die, they just end up boring themselves to death.
Old Scoutmasters never die, they just put out that one last fire.
Old Home Teachers never die, they just finally made that one visit .. to Heaven.
Old Organists never die, they just put their foot down.
Old Executive Secretaries never die, they just scheduled a meeting in Heaven.
Old Relief Society Presidents never die, their casserole just finally became fully baked.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
POLITICALLY CORRECT BREAKING NEWS: FINALLY POLITICALLY CORRECT NAMES FOR CALLINGS AND OTHER FOCUSED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
FINALLY!!! POLITICALLY CORRECT DEFINITIONS OF CALLINGS AND OTHER FOCUSED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Can you guess who each of these are (answers are listed below):
1 - Especially in Confined Environments of Lengthy Verbiage, a Consciously Challenged, Deceased-mimmicking Elderly Male Subject is also known as the Ward:
2 - An Extreme Behavioral Coordinator Over Adolescent Male Management Issues is also known as the Ward:
3 - The Executive Director of a Substantially Enormous Group of Religiously, Mentally, Socially, Physically, Intellectually, Financially and Culturally Malformed Mortals of Celestial Potential is also known as the Ward:
4 - A Permanently Medicinalized Female Hominidae Voluntarily Subjected to the Benefaction of a Population of Other Equally Permanently Prescriptionalized Females is also known as the Ward:
5 - A Homo Sapian Capable of Only Minimal Sojourns to Regional Familial Abodes is also known as the Ward:
6 - A Chronic Acquirer of Aggregate Details of the Anciently Deceased is also known as the Ward.
7 - A Female Sibling of the LDS Religious Environment Possessing an Addictive Quality to Massive Adhesive and Parchment Products for Purpose of an Unknown Reason is also known as the Ward.
8 - An Anxiety-ridden Individual Containing Massive Proportions of Catastrophic Information Regarding the Possible Ceasement of Society is also known as the Ward:
2 - Scoutmaster
3 - Bishop
4 - Relief Society President
5 - Home Teacher
6 - Genealogist
7 - Scrapbooker
8 - Last Days Expert
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Can you guess who each of these are (answers are listed below):
1 - Especially in Confined Environments of Lengthy Verbiage, a Consciously Challenged, Deceased-mimmicking Elderly Male Subject is also known as the Ward:
2 - An Extreme Behavioral Coordinator Over Adolescent Male Management Issues is also known as the Ward:
3 - The Executive Director of a Substantially Enormous Group of Religiously, Mentally, Socially, Physically, Intellectually, Financially and Culturally Malformed Mortals of Celestial Potential is also known as the Ward:
4 - A Permanently Medicinalized Female Hominidae Voluntarily Subjected to the Benefaction of a Population of Other Equally Permanently Prescriptionalized Females is also known as the Ward:
5 - A Homo Sapian Capable of Only Minimal Sojourns to Regional Familial Abodes is also known as the Ward:
6 - A Chronic Acquirer of Aggregate Details of the Anciently Deceased is also known as the Ward.
7 - A Female Sibling of the LDS Religious Environment Possessing an Addictive Quality to Massive Adhesive and Parchment Products for Purpose of an Unknown Reason is also known as the Ward.
8 - An Anxiety-ridden Individual Containing Massive Proportions of Catastrophic Information Regarding the Possible Ceasement of Society is also known as the Ward:
1- High Priest
2 - Scoutmaster
3 - Bishop
4 - Relief Society President
5 - Home Teacher
6 - Genealogist
7 - Scrapbooker
8 - Last Days Expert
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
WE ALL FALL SHORT BREAKING NEWS: NOT WORKING WITH A FULL DECK-ISMS, LDS STYLE
NOT WORKING WITH A FULL DECK-ISMS, LDS STYLE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Sometimes, we all fall short of full capacity. It's just that in the LDS church, we have our own "not working with a full deck-isms," like:
That Primary President functions two squares short of a full candy bar!
That High Councilman’s talk is one breath short of a quick death!
Those scouts are all one match short of a full explosion!
It’s clear that scrapbooker’s tape doesn’t reach all the way to the end!
That Elder’s Quorum President functions one truck stop short of a full family move!
That Choir Director’s baton definitely doesn’t reach all the way to the top!
Those Relief Society sisters function one can short of a full diet Coke six-pack!
Those genealogists definitely don’t have all their pedigree blanks filled in!
Those Sunday School teachers are definitely not working with a full manual!
That Welfare Specialist is one barrel short of a full year’s supply of food!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Sometimes, we all fall short of full capacity. It's just that in the LDS church, we have our own "not working with a full deck-isms," like:
That Primary President functions two squares short of a full candy bar!
That High Councilman’s talk is one breath short of a quick death!
Those scouts are all one match short of a full explosion!
It’s clear that scrapbooker’s tape doesn’t reach all the way to the end!
That Elder’s Quorum President functions one truck stop short of a full family move!
That Choir Director’s baton definitely doesn’t reach all the way to the top!
Those Relief Society sisters function one can short of a full diet Coke six-pack!
Those genealogists definitely don’t have all their pedigree blanks filled in!
Those Sunday School teachers are definitely not working with a full manual!
That Welfare Specialist is one barrel short of a full year’s supply of food!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
JUST IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING BREAKING NEWS: OTHER THINGS LDS PEOPLE ARE GRATEFUL FOR
JUST IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING:
OTHER THINGS LDS PEOPLE ARE GRATEFUL FOR:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Like everyone else, LDS people are grateful for such things as the family, prayer, the scriptures, plus the Gospel, temples, a prophet and many more things that enrich our lives continually. But, many times, we, too, forget to be grateful for the other things that make our life wonderful, like:
Sugar
Ward directories
A clock in the chapel
Easels that work
Illnesses that are minor, but sufficient enough to cancel teaching a class.
General Conference Sundays (Where laying on a couch eating munchies while attending church is acceptable.)
Padded pews
Mega-sized vacuum cleaners to vacuum those huge cultural halls.
Church dumpsters
The day after Young Women’s or Scout camp.
Knowing the Bishop is human too
Babies (or children) who are more disruptive than one’s own
That there is a space provided directly behind the pulpit, large enough for a fainting person to fall between, should something unforeseen happen.
Short church talks
Delicious treats
Short prayers
Hymn books within reach of the seat you're sitting in
Disposable casserole dishes
Have a fantastic and a very Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy all the fruits (meat, vegetables and desserts) this wonderful Gospel provides!
OTHER THINGS LDS PEOPLE ARE GRATEFUL FOR:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Like everyone else, LDS people are grateful for such things as the family, prayer, the scriptures, plus the Gospel, temples, a prophet and many more things that enrich our lives continually. But, many times, we, too, forget to be grateful for the other things that make our life wonderful, like:
Sugar
Ward directories
A clock in the chapel
Easels that work
Illnesses that are minor, but sufficient enough to cancel teaching a class.
General Conference Sundays (Where laying on a couch eating munchies while attending church is acceptable.)
Padded pews
Mega-sized vacuum cleaners to vacuum those huge cultural halls.
Church dumpsters
The day after Young Women’s or Scout camp.
Knowing the Bishop is human too
Babies (or children) who are more disruptive than one’s own
That there is a space provided directly behind the pulpit, large enough for a fainting person to fall between, should something unforeseen happen.
Short church talks
Delicious treats
Short prayers
Hymn books within reach of the seat you're sitting in
Disposable casserole dishes
Have a fantastic and a very Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy all the fruits (meat, vegetables and desserts) this wonderful Gospel provides!
Monday, November 21, 2005
OH MY HECK BREAKING NEWS: THE IMPACT OF THE DAY AFTER THE BYU/UOFU GAME IN THE LDS CHURCH
THE MOST PECULIAR DAY OF THE YEAR
IN THE LDS CHURCH
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Once a year, members of the LDS church
(ah-hem, mostly men)
try to recreate a moment from the Book of Mormon:
The Nephite/Lamanite rivalry.
During this dispensation of time, the battle is known as:
THE BYU/UofU FOOTBALL GAME!!!
And it came to pass that, this year again, nearly all of the campus, as well as the entire city of Provo, was shrink-wrapped to avoid any possibility of vandalism—another tactic used by these secret combination wannabees.
Inside the stadium, the fans go crazy. Even though most of them are LDS, you wouldn't know it by watching 'em. For a day, these fans make the people in the great and spacious building, or soccer fans, look like model citizens as the two sides point and jeer and yell and scream at each other (no profanities, and it is mostly popcorn and Tic Tacs that are thrown). If there is anything virtuous, lovely or praiseworthy, it is not going to be found in this arena -- where the two teams of stripling warriors fight to the death (while their mothers watch) to avoid letting a poor, little pig-skinned ball make it over the finish line. Boo-hoo.
And when it is all over…oh no…sorry…excuse me….it is never all over when it comes to this rivalry, because boys will be boys ... meaning, the next day, at church, these men of spiritually high places turn to complete clowns as they continue to fight for the team they support.
And the results are as follows:
(For those of you, around the world, who don’t know what happens after the phenomenon of a BYU/UofU football game, here are some of the follow-up statistics from yesterday’s game in which the U of U won, 41 to 34 in an Armageddon overtime--okay, maybe there is a bit (alot) of happyjellybean exaggeration influence here):
In at least 50 Wards in Salt Lake City, the Bishop wore a red (UofU) tie while, in Provo, at least 50 Bishops wore a blue (BYU) tie.
In at least 50 Elder’s Quorums, the Elder’s Quorum President wore a red sweater in Salt Lake City while, in Provo, at least 50 Elder’s Quorum Presidents wore a blue sweater.
In Murray, UT (this is true) one guy Murray, wears an entire two-piece red suit! And this is not a Santa suit! This is a four-buttoned cuff, flaming red suit.
In at least 1,000 wards all over the world, the BYU/UofU football game was referenced at some point during yesterday’s three-hour block, either during a talk in Sacrament meeting, during Sunday School, or Priesthood.
At least 30 LDS parents dressed their kids in either a BYU cheerleader or a U of U cheerleader outfit for the nursery -- pom-poms included.
In at least 200 Wards, 2,000 Primary kids yelled, “Go Utes,” or “Go BYU,” during Sharing Time.
In one Ward, in one Ward choir, while the closing hymn was being sung, one faithful saint on the back row of the choir (unbeknownst to the bishopric) held up a small sign that read, “The U of U is Number One!”
In another Ward, when the hymnbooks were opened, a post-it note was stuck to the opening song page that read, “BYU is Number One!”
In at least 27 Wards in the church, a few faces were still painted blue and white or red and white.
In at least 32 Wards in the church, there was still the faint color of red or blue in some of the LDS member’s hair.
In at least 5 Wards, a child gave a Primary talk about crossing the goal line of life, using the BYU/U of U football game as an example of what it takes to win.
In at least 102 Wards, 102 men were not able to attend church as a result of their team losing. :(
In at least 12 Wards, someone prayed for the BYU football team during the opening or closing prayer.
IN THE LDS CHURCH
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Once a year, members of the LDS church
(ah-hem, mostly men)
try to recreate a moment from the Book of Mormon:
The Nephite/Lamanite rivalry.
During this dispensation of time, the battle is known as:
THE BYU/UofU FOOTBALL GAME!!!
And it came to pass that, this year again, nearly all of the campus, as well as the entire city of Provo, was shrink-wrapped to avoid any possibility of vandalism—another tactic used by these secret combination wannabees.
Inside the stadium, the fans go crazy. Even though most of them are LDS, you wouldn't know it by watching 'em. For a day, these fans make the people in the great and spacious building, or soccer fans, look like model citizens as the two sides point and jeer and yell and scream at each other (no profanities, and it is mostly popcorn and Tic Tacs that are thrown). If there is anything virtuous, lovely or praiseworthy, it is not going to be found in this arena -- where the two teams of stripling warriors fight to the death (while their mothers watch) to avoid letting a poor, little pig-skinned ball make it over the finish line. Boo-hoo.
And when it is all over…oh no…sorry…excuse me….it is never all over when it comes to this rivalry, because boys will be boys ... meaning, the next day, at church, these men of spiritually high places turn to complete clowns as they continue to fight for the team they support.
And the results are as follows:
(For those of you, around the world, who don’t know what happens after the phenomenon of a BYU/UofU football game, here are some of the follow-up statistics from yesterday’s game in which the U of U won, 41 to 34 in an Armageddon overtime--okay, maybe there is a bit (alot) of happyjellybean exaggeration influence here):
In at least 50 Wards in Salt Lake City, the Bishop wore a red (UofU) tie while, in Provo, at least 50 Bishops wore a blue (BYU) tie.
In at least 50 Elder’s Quorums, the Elder’s Quorum President wore a red sweater in Salt Lake City while, in Provo, at least 50 Elder’s Quorum Presidents wore a blue sweater.
In Murray, UT (this is true) one guy Murray, wears an entire two-piece red suit! And this is not a Santa suit! This is a four-buttoned cuff, flaming red suit.
In at least 1,000 wards all over the world, the BYU/UofU football game was referenced at some point during yesterday’s three-hour block, either during a talk in Sacrament meeting, during Sunday School, or Priesthood.
At least 30 LDS parents dressed their kids in either a BYU cheerleader or a U of U cheerleader outfit for the nursery -- pom-poms included.
In at least 200 Wards, 2,000 Primary kids yelled, “Go Utes,” or “Go BYU,” during Sharing Time.
In one Ward, in one Ward choir, while the closing hymn was being sung, one faithful saint on the back row of the choir (unbeknownst to the bishopric) held up a small sign that read, “The U of U is Number One!”
In another Ward, when the hymnbooks were opened, a post-it note was stuck to the opening song page that read, “BYU is Number One!”
In at least 27 Wards in the church, a few faces were still painted blue and white or red and white.
In at least 32 Wards in the church, there was still the faint color of red or blue in some of the LDS member’s hair.
In at least 5 Wards, a child gave a Primary talk about crossing the goal line of life, using the BYU/U of U football game as an example of what it takes to win.
In at least 102 Wards, 102 men were not able to attend church as a result of their team losing. :(
In at least 12 Wards, someone prayed for the BYU football team during the opening or closing prayer.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
PRE-THANKSGIVING DELIGHT BREAKING NEWS: FOODS THAT WILL BE EATEN IN HEAVEN
With Thanksgiving Just Around the Corner …
If Mormons Had Their Say...
Foods That Will Be Eaten in Heaven:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Celestial Kingdom:
Meat: Beef
Potato: Funeral potatoes
Fruit: Grapes (hey, these are in the scriptures!)
Vegetable: Corn (Reference: Ears of corn mentioned in scriptures)
Drink: Sprite (sorry, Coke and Pepsi are not available here)
Candy: See’s chocolates, Snickers, m&m’s, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey Bars, Life Savers, Tic Tacs
Other: Cheerios, Cheetos, Cheesecake, Kettle-corn popcorn
Terrestrial Kingdom:
Meat: Chicken
Potato: Mashed potatoes
Fruit: Apricots, dried fruit style (weren’t these in the scriptures too?)
Vegetable: Green Bean Casserole
Drink: Root Beer (Sorry, Coke and Pepsi are not available here either)
Candy: Werther’s caramels, Milky Way bars, Three Musketeers, Strawberry-flavored Mentos,
Other: Mega-butter popcorn, Fritos, Beef Jerky, Sunflower seeds
Telestial Kingdom:
Meat: Pork
Potato: Baked Potato French fries, potato chips, or Tator Tots
Fruit: Watermelon (How many of you want to go to the T-kingdom now, just because of this?)
Vegetable: Carrots, Broccoli, Peas,
Drink: Coke or Pepsi (Drink up!)
Candy: Big Hunks, Almond Joys, Mounds, Skittles
Outer Darkness:
Meat: Spam, Pig’s Feet, Hot Dogs, Liver
Potato: Mashed potatoes with the skins still on them
Drink: Ginger Ale or Egg Nog
Fruit: Lemon
Vegetable: Egg plant
Candy: Orange Sticks or Spudnut, Dots
Other foods: Rice patties
If Mormons Had Their Say...
Foods That Will Be Eaten in Heaven:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Celestial Kingdom:
Meat: Beef
Potato: Funeral potatoes
Fruit: Grapes (hey, these are in the scriptures!)
Vegetable: Corn (Reference: Ears of corn mentioned in scriptures)
Drink: Sprite (sorry, Coke and Pepsi are not available here)
Candy: See’s chocolates, Snickers, m&m’s, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey Bars, Life Savers, Tic Tacs
Other: Cheerios, Cheetos, Cheesecake, Kettle-corn popcorn
Terrestrial Kingdom:
Meat: Chicken
Potato: Mashed potatoes
Fruit: Apricots, dried fruit style (weren’t these in the scriptures too?)
Vegetable: Green Bean Casserole
Drink: Root Beer (Sorry, Coke and Pepsi are not available here either)
Candy: Werther’s caramels, Milky Way bars, Three Musketeers, Strawberry-flavored Mentos,
Other: Mega-butter popcorn, Fritos, Beef Jerky, Sunflower seeds
Telestial Kingdom:
Meat: Pork
Potato: Baked Potato French fries, potato chips, or Tator Tots
Fruit: Watermelon (How many of you want to go to the T-kingdom now, just because of this?)
Vegetable: Carrots, Broccoli, Peas,
Drink: Coke or Pepsi (Drink up!)
Candy: Big Hunks, Almond Joys, Mounds, Skittles
Outer Darkness:
Meat: Spam, Pig’s Feet, Hot Dogs, Liver
Potato: Mashed potatoes with the skins still on them
Drink: Ginger Ale or Egg Nog
Fruit: Lemon
Vegetable: Egg plant
Candy: Orange Sticks or Spudnut, Dots
Other foods: Rice patties
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS CRACKS 10,000 HITS WITH LDS TELEVISION VIEWING HABITS
In honor of happyjellybeans going over the 10,000 mark, today a double posting will be made on happyjellybeans. CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE AND THANK YOU!!!!
happyjellybeans was featured on the front page of the Close-up section of The Salt Lake Tribune on Friday, November 11, 2005. To see the story, just click on the following link:
http://sltrib.com/sandy/ci_3202625
THANK YOU ALL, AGAIN!!!
Where Do You Fit In?
Can Television Really Rate Where You Are in Your Eternal Progression?
Rate Yourself Now
on the LDS Sabbath Day Television Viewing Habits Scale:
Group Number One: NO TELEVISION WATCHING AT ALL – THE TELEVISION IS COOL TO THE TOUCH – NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT, MISSES IT OR IS EVEN TEMPTED TO GO NEAR IT:
Rating: 100 points.
Congratulate yourself. You are going to Heaven. And the best part of all, Geraldo Rivera will not be there to broadcast the news, nor will Donald Trump be there to bother us (oops, I mean you) with any of his stupid new, shows.
Group Number Two: TELEVISION VIEWING IS ACCEPTABLE, BUT ONLY CHURCH MOVIES, VIDEOS, CONFERENCE, TALKS, ETC.:
Rating: 98 points.
Congratulate yourself. You, too, will make it into Heaven. And you will be coveted by all of those people in Group One who actually thought their absolutely- no-television-watching-in-my-home habit would be a one-up on you.
Group Number Three: THE WATCHING OF LDS SHOW, PLUS OTHER RELIGIOUS SHOWS:
Rating: 70 points.
You still might be able to go to Heaven, but the jury is still not out on this one, even though you believe you will be going. Why? Because you believe that while you might be sinning in the eyes of Group Number One, your habit of watching such "Televangelist” shows as The Crystal Cathedral, are still of a religious nature.
Group Number Four: MEET THE PRESS:
50 points.
Uh oh, going to Heaven might be looking a little risky at this point. However, you believe that your loyalty to our country might save you and that it is our duty to be informed voters, concerned citizens and full-time supporters of the twelfth Article of Faith, even though you couldn't recite this article if your life depended on it.
Group Number Five: ESPN:
49 points.
While you’re not all-out watching total sports, you have really drifted away from Groups Number One – Three, even though you don't see any difference in watching Meet The Press or ESPN. So, as far as you’re concerned, where ever Group Number Four goes, you go.
Group Number Six: NFL FOOTBALL:
Now you’re talking! Oops, I mean, 40 points.
You have really drifted away from the island of television purity. Even though you’d like to justify your habits by saying you are supporting your priesthood brethren, this does not fly in the face of Group Number One. You might have to start doing your genealogy or be 100 percent in your home teaching to make up for this one.
Group Number Seven: COPS.
K, now, you are way out there. 0 points.
There is no way in Heaven that Heaven has a place for people who enjoy sitting in a chair, eating popcorn while watching the lowest forms of life being handcuffed and hauled off to jail (unless it's a former missionary compainion). You might have to agree to be the Ward Scoutmaster to make up for this one!
When it is all said and done, where does television fit into the big picture (no pun intended)? Only you can decide for yourself.
happyjellybeans was featured on the front page of the Close-up section of The Salt Lake Tribune on Friday, November 11, 2005. To see the story, just click on the following link:
http://sltrib.com/sandy/ci_3202625
THANK YOU ALL, AGAIN!!!
Where Do You Fit In?
Can Television Really Rate Where You Are in Your Eternal Progression?
Rate Yourself Now
on the LDS Sabbath Day Television Viewing Habits Scale:
Group Number One: NO TELEVISION WATCHING AT ALL – THE TELEVISION IS COOL TO THE TOUCH – NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT, MISSES IT OR IS EVEN TEMPTED TO GO NEAR IT:
Rating: 100 points.
Congratulate yourself. You are going to Heaven. And the best part of all, Geraldo Rivera will not be there to broadcast the news, nor will Donald Trump be there to bother us (oops, I mean you) with any of his stupid new, shows.
Group Number Two: TELEVISION VIEWING IS ACCEPTABLE, BUT ONLY CHURCH MOVIES, VIDEOS, CONFERENCE, TALKS, ETC.:
Rating: 98 points.
Congratulate yourself. You, too, will make it into Heaven. And you will be coveted by all of those people in Group One who actually thought their absolutely- no-television-watching-in-my-home habit would be a one-up on you.
Group Number Three: THE WATCHING OF LDS SHOW, PLUS OTHER RELIGIOUS SHOWS:
Rating: 70 points.
You still might be able to go to Heaven, but the jury is still not out on this one, even though you believe you will be going. Why? Because you believe that while you might be sinning in the eyes of Group Number One, your habit of watching such "Televangelist” shows as The Crystal Cathedral, are still of a religious nature.
Group Number Four: MEET THE PRESS:
50 points.
Uh oh, going to Heaven might be looking a little risky at this point. However, you believe that your loyalty to our country might save you and that it is our duty to be informed voters, concerned citizens and full-time supporters of the twelfth Article of Faith, even though you couldn't recite this article if your life depended on it.
Group Number Five: ESPN:
49 points.
While you’re not all-out watching total sports, you have really drifted away from Groups Number One – Three, even though you don't see any difference in watching Meet The Press or ESPN. So, as far as you’re concerned, where ever Group Number Four goes, you go.
Group Number Six: NFL FOOTBALL:
Now you’re talking! Oops, I mean, 40 points.
You have really drifted away from the island of television purity. Even though you’d like to justify your habits by saying you are supporting your priesthood brethren, this does not fly in the face of Group Number One. You might have to start doing your genealogy or be 100 percent in your home teaching to make up for this one.
Group Number Seven: COPS.
K, now, you are way out there. 0 points.
There is no way in Heaven that Heaven has a place for people who enjoy sitting in a chair, eating popcorn while watching the lowest forms of life being handcuffed and hauled off to jail (unless it's a former missionary compainion). You might have to agree to be the Ward Scoutmaster to make up for this one!
When it is all said and done, where does television fit into the big picture (no pun intended)? Only you can decide for yourself.
FAMILY HOME REELING BREAKING NEWS: OTHER FUN AND ENTERTAINING FAMILY HOME EVENING TOPICS
“OTHER” FUN AND ENTERTAINING FAMILY HOME EVENING TOPICS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
What Do We Do With All of our Wayword Children?
What Are We REALLY Going to Do If The End of the World Comes?
All of the Reasons Why Caffeinated Coke/Pepsi is Okay to Drink
Best Restaurants to Dine at the Night Before Fast Sunday
Ten Best Tips on How To Stay Awake at Church
Ten Best Mood Disorder Therapists who Specialize in Helping Create Realistic Expectations for Our Sojourn Here on Earth
Best Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors Currently Available on the Market (Prozac, etc.)
Who Will Win the Super Bowl This Year?
Swearing is a Ten-Letter Word – Hardtostop
Tips on Quickest and Most Reverent Ways to Pick up Spilled Cheerios in the Chapel
Avoiding Injuries at Church
BYU or U. or U.? (Warning: This lesson may not be suitable for children under the age of ten)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
What Do We Do With All of our Wayword Children?
What Are We REALLY Going to Do If The End of the World Comes?
All of the Reasons Why Caffeinated Coke/Pepsi is Okay to Drink
Best Restaurants to Dine at the Night Before Fast Sunday
Ten Best Tips on How To Stay Awake at Church
Ten Best Mood Disorder Therapists who Specialize in Helping Create Realistic Expectations for Our Sojourn Here on Earth
Best Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors Currently Available on the Market (Prozac, etc.)
Who Will Win the Super Bowl This Year?
Swearing is a Ten-Letter Word – Hardtostop
Tips on Quickest and Most Reverent Ways to Pick up Spilled Cheerios in the Chapel
Avoiding Injuries at Church
BYU or U. or U.? (Warning: This lesson may not be suitable for children under the age of ten)
Monday, November 14, 2005
MREAKING MEWS: MORE MIPPETS FROM MEBSTER'S MICTIONARY
MORE MIPPETS
(What's a mippet? A Mormon "Snippet")
FROM MEBSTER'S MICTIONARY!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Schnodder; Pronoun; Official name of the person who sits on the front row in Sunday School Class and nods his or her head in response to every profound comment made by either the teacher or another Ward member. “If that schnodder has to keep nodding her head, that’s fine, but, why can’t she sit on the back row?!!”
Grrervice Project; Noun; Any Ward service project that creates a hardship; a service project no one want so attend; to attend a service project begrudgingly; a state of mind passed down from Lamen and Lemeuel. “Every year, we have to have the same Grrervice Project. Again, this year we have to pull all those darn weeds growing in the front of the Ward building!!!”
Junkorage; Noun; a form of food storage. Stored food that will never be eaten. Husband trying to find a place to park his car in the garage: “And exactly what do you suggest we do with all of this junkorage?”
Shayer; Noun; A short prayer. “I’m tired tonight, so I think I’ll just say a shayer.”
Shriptures; Noun; To spend only a few brief moment reading the scriptures. “I’m so tired tonight that, after my shayer, I am going to read my shriptures.”
Watasting; Noun; A fast that includes drinking water. “I was going to do a full fast, but my throat got so dry that I thought I would die. And besides, I saw Brother Thompson do that last month and he was never struck by lightening.”
Sacripew; Verb; One of the most difficult things for a Latter-day Saint to do; To give up one’s lifelong seat in the chapel; to sacripew. “Oh man, I was late for church last Sunday and I had to sacripew. I thought I wouldn't live!!!”
Big Mish; Noun; Mormon big fish stories; “When I was on my mission, while I was serving as an Assistant to the President, my companion and I walked to Rome and we almost baptized the Pope!!!"
Retailation; Noun; Revelation that comes over which purchase to make in a retail outlet store. Knowing, for sure, you have bought the right product. “I knew when I found the missing pillow to that couch that Heaven had saved that couch just for me!”
(What's a mippet? A Mormon "Snippet")
FROM MEBSTER'S MICTIONARY!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Schnodder; Pronoun; Official name of the person who sits on the front row in Sunday School Class and nods his or her head in response to every profound comment made by either the teacher or another Ward member. “If that schnodder has to keep nodding her head, that’s fine, but, why can’t she sit on the back row?!!”
Grrervice Project; Noun; Any Ward service project that creates a hardship; a service project no one want so attend; to attend a service project begrudgingly; a state of mind passed down from Lamen and Lemeuel. “Every year, we have to have the same Grrervice Project. Again, this year we have to pull all those darn weeds growing in the front of the Ward building!!!”
Junkorage; Noun; a form of food storage. Stored food that will never be eaten. Husband trying to find a place to park his car in the garage: “And exactly what do you suggest we do with all of this junkorage?”
Shayer; Noun; A short prayer. “I’m tired tonight, so I think I’ll just say a shayer.”
Shriptures; Noun; To spend only a few brief moment reading the scriptures. “I’m so tired tonight that, after my shayer, I am going to read my shriptures.”
Watasting; Noun; A fast that includes drinking water. “I was going to do a full fast, but my throat got so dry that I thought I would die. And besides, I saw Brother Thompson do that last month and he was never struck by lightening.”
Sacripew; Verb; One of the most difficult things for a Latter-day Saint to do; To give up one’s lifelong seat in the chapel; to sacripew. “Oh man, I was late for church last Sunday and I had to sacripew. I thought I wouldn't live!!!”
Big Mish; Noun; Mormon big fish stories; “When I was on my mission, while I was serving as an Assistant to the President, my companion and I walked to Rome and we almost baptized the Pope!!!"
Retailation; Noun; Revelation that comes over which purchase to make in a retail outlet store. Knowing, for sure, you have bought the right product. “I knew when I found the missing pillow to that couch that Heaven had saved that couch just for me!”
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
GENEALOGY BREAKING NEWS: TEN REASONS WHY GENEALOGISTS LOVE DOING THEIR GENEALOGY
TEN REASONS WHY GENEALOGIST LOVE DOING THEIR GENEALOGY:
Because doing genealogy makes them feel better about not doing their home or visiting teaching.
Because doing genealogy makes up for having said, “No,” to so many church callings.
Because doing their genealogy makes up for any minor sins currently being committed, like playing Bonko, Texas Hold ‘em or Roulette.
Because doing genealogy is the perfect escape from having to spend time with living relatives.
Because doing their genealogy helps avoid having bad thoughts, other than those associated with wasting so much *!#! time trying to find that #*!# little bugger of an eternally lost relative!
Because doing genealogy makes up for not knowing all of their Articles of Faith.
Because doing genealogy makes up for not having any food storage.
Because doing genealogy makes up for not fasting on Fast Sundays.
Because doing genealogy sounds better than writing an entire personal history.
Because doing genealogy sets up lots of new friends for the next life!
Because doing genealogy makes them feel better about not doing their home or visiting teaching.
Because doing genealogy makes up for having said, “No,” to so many church callings.
Because doing their genealogy makes up for any minor sins currently being committed, like playing Bonko, Texas Hold ‘em or Roulette.
Because doing genealogy is the perfect escape from having to spend time with living relatives.
Because doing their genealogy helps avoid having bad thoughts, other than those associated with wasting so much *!#! time trying to find that #*!# little bugger of an eternally lost relative!
Because doing genealogy makes up for not knowing all of their Articles of Faith.
Because doing genealogy makes up for not having any food storage.
Because doing genealogy makes up for not fasting on Fast Sundays.
Because doing genealogy sounds better than writing an entire personal history.
Because doing genealogy sets up lots of new friends for the next life!
Thursday, November 03, 2005
NATIONAL BREAKING NEWS: FINALLY!!! LDS NATIONAL HOLIDAYS
LDS NATIONAL HOLIDAYS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
With a membership that has grown to over eleven million, finally the time has come for the LDS people to rise up and declare their own holidays:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
With a membership that has grown to over eleven million, finally the time has come for the LDS people to rise up and declare their own holidays:
National Primary Treat Day:
Day for honoring the Primary of the LDS church as the number one leader in providing world-wide economic stability within the sugar industry -- for continuing to provide people with millions of jobs annually.
National Food Storage Day:
National Food Storage Day:
Day for honoring some of the worst-tasting food ever invented by people who knew nothing about cooking, but which the LDS people continue to store year after year after year, in case there is a world-wide tragedy, after which they believe people might possibly kill to eat this stuff.
National Basketball Referee Day:
National Basketball Referee Day:
Day in which members of the LDS church honor their referees for their heroism shown during LDS basketball games. For their bravery, courage, heroism and fortitude in recovering from all of the many injuries suffered as a result of VOLUNTEERING to referee an LDS basketball game -- including blows to the head, having folding chairs thrown at them, being dragged across the basketball floor, having their arms, legs and fingers broken, and/or having whistles jammed down their throats, etc.
National Home Teaching Day:
National Home Teaching Day:
An annual event in which male members of the LDS church -- after putting this duty off for eleven full months -- finally break down and visit their assigned families.
National Relief Society Casserole Dish Day
National Relief Society Casserole Dish Day
To honor all casseroles invented by the Relief Society of the LDS church in response to requests to feed the ill. This day is honored by sisters returning all of the casserole dishes that have stacked up on their kitchen counter to one another or to their favorite charity.
National Scrapbook Day
National Scrapbook Day
A day for honoring one of America’s biggest unknown addictions. Must be honored for what this is, ‘cause if someone offends these woman, WATCH OUT -- they’re going to pay big time!
National Personal History Day
National Personal History Day
Annual recognition of all those hours spent recording ancestoral births and deaths, followed by personal “big fish” stories about how hard and impossible life has been and how all of their descendants better appreciate the minute by minute sacrifices and hardships made by the particular personal history author.
Friday, October 28, 2005
BOOOREAKING NEWS: HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR LDS CHILDREN
HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR LDS CHILDREN:
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Everyone knows Halloween can be a rewarding time of year,
especially this year when it happens to fall on FHE,
(thank Heavens)
which means parents do not have to plan a FHE lesson
or spend all of their money and time on treats.
Instead, parents will, once again, be able to help their little ones,
who came to this Earth to gain a body and be tested,
adorn themselves in fun costuming
to celebrate the biggest Pagan day of the year.
To help parents, here are some ideas for costumes:
Elvis serving as a missionary
after being baptized into the LDS church.
A scrapbooker, dressed in a prison outfit, after assaulting fellow scrapbookers at a scrapbooking sale.
A Relief Society President following her successful release
from a mental institution.
An Elder’s Quorum President recovering back surgery.
A High Priest sleeping in Sacrament Meeting.
A group of lost scouts.
A group of your favorite dead ancestors.
A high councilman giving a talk at the pulpit
along with a group of Ward members sleeping.
A Ward basketball player, adorned in prison garb.
A Nursery Leader suffering from every illness known to mankind.
A Ward chorister with a baton and hymnbook
and a glare that insists every door greeter SING LOUDER!!!
A last days expert sporting all of the latest survival gear.
A Primary teacher carrying Hefty bags filled with treats.
A Bishop with bags under his eyes who constantly checks his watch.
A Young Woman’s Leader dressed in all of the value colors.
A home teaching family looking for their home teacher.
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Everyone knows Halloween can be a rewarding time of year,
especially this year when it happens to fall on FHE,
(thank Heavens)
which means parents do not have to plan a FHE lesson
or spend all of their money and time on treats.
Instead, parents will, once again, be able to help their little ones,
who came to this Earth to gain a body and be tested,
adorn themselves in fun costuming
to celebrate the biggest Pagan day of the year.
To help parents, here are some ideas for costumes:
Elvis serving as a missionary
after being baptized into the LDS church.
A scrapbooker, dressed in a prison outfit, after assaulting fellow scrapbookers at a scrapbooking sale.
A Relief Society President following her successful release
from a mental institution.
An Elder’s Quorum President recovering back surgery.
A High Priest sleeping in Sacrament Meeting.
A group of lost scouts.
A group of your favorite dead ancestors.
A high councilman giving a talk at the pulpit
along with a group of Ward members sleeping.
A Ward basketball player, adorned in prison garb.
A Nursery Leader suffering from every illness known to mankind.
A Ward chorister with a baton and hymnbook
and a glare that insists every door greeter SING LOUDER!!!
A last days expert sporting all of the latest survival gear.
A Primary teacher carrying Hefty bags filled with treats.
A Bishop with bags under his eyes who constantly checks his watch.
A Young Woman’s Leader dressed in all of the value colors.
A home teaching family looking for their home teacher.
Monday, October 24, 2005
YO BREAKING NEWS: YO MAMA IS SO LDS...
Yo Mama is so LDS…
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
...all of her license plates on all of her cars read RULDS2?
...she has twelve old strollers piled in her garage.
...the toy room is the biggest room in her house.
...she believes nursery leader is the highest calling in the church.
...she drives a school bus for the family car.
...she believes baking cookies should be an Olympic sport.
...she can turn rotten potatoes into a to-die-for front door wreath.
...she could be the poster child for Heaven.
...people hang her picture from their rear view mirror to remind them to be happy.
...if you look up the word “perfect” in the dictionary, you’d see her picture by it.
...she never had to dress up to go as an angel for Halloween.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
...all of her license plates on all of her cars read RULDS2?
...she has twelve old strollers piled in her garage.
...the toy room is the biggest room in her house.
...she believes nursery leader is the highest calling in the church.
...she drives a school bus for the family car.
...she believes baking cookies should be an Olympic sport.
...she can turn rotten potatoes into a to-die-for front door wreath.
...she could be the poster child for Heaven.
...people hang her picture from their rear view mirror to remind them to be happy.
...if you look up the word “perfect” in the dictionary, you’d see her picture by it.
...she never had to dress up to go as an angel for Halloween.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
BEST OFFER BREAKING NEWS: LDS CLASSIFIED ADS
Happyjellybeans has been having a blast lately. The latest in books published by the author of hjb is to be released in 2006 and is entitled, Exceptional Stepfathers. If you have, or know of someone who has, an exceptional stepfather, feel free to e-mail exceptionalstepfathers@yahoo.com for consideration in this book. Thanks and have a happyjellybeans kind of day.
LDS CLASSIFIED ADS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Buy Now -- Half price! Y2K Food Storage. Never used.
Crib: Great shape. No longer needed… luckily.
Must Trade: 9 Passenger SUV for 11 Passenger Van. Wife just had twins.
Engagement Ring For Sale, Best Offer: Fiancé suddenly inspired to marry someone else.
Never-used Genealogy Computer Programs: Too busy living to find the dead.
Free Used Nursery Toys: Will donate to pathology lab for studies -- toys contain every germ known to mankind.
LDS CLASSIFIED ADS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Buy Now -- Half price! Y2K Food Storage. Never used.
Crib: Great shape. No longer needed… luckily.
Must Trade: 9 Passenger SUV for 11 Passenger Van. Wife just had twins.
Engagement Ring For Sale, Best Offer: Fiancé suddenly inspired to marry someone else.
Never-used Genealogy Computer Programs: Too busy living to find the dead.
Free Used Nursery Toys: Will donate to pathology lab for studies -- toys contain every germ known to mankind.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
CAUTION: BREAKING NEWS: NEW LDS WARNING LABELS EVERY LDS PERSON SHOULD KNOW ABOUT
NEW LDS WARNING LABELS
EVERY LDS PERSON SHOULD KNOW ABOUT !!!:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
CAUTION: THESE LABELS MUST APPEAR
WHERE EVER LDS CHURCH HOUSE ITEMS ARE FOUND!!!:
Church doors: Caution: This door is a lethal weapon. This door can cause extreme bodily harm, bodily dismemberment or even death to any Primary, Relief Society or Priesthood member who chooses to rush down the hall without an assumption that this door could fly open at any moment by another impatient LDS member.
Chair Racks: Caution: Chair racks can cause extreme bodily harm, dismemberment or death when used as a temporary amusement park specialty ride, specifically before, during or after LDS Christmas parties and/or when occupied by lots of Primary children and manually steered and/or pushed and/or pulled by any young man/men between the ages of twelve to eighteen.
Hymn Holders: Caution: This hymn holder can cause brain injury, damage or even death to any or all babies or toddlers when child is unsupervised by parents, especially during the opening or closing prayer. Hymn Holders are also not to be used as storage units for gum, gum wrappers, toys, papers, purses, pens, pencils, shoes, socks, books, dirt, sand, scrapbooking material, face cards …
LDS Cultural Hall Stage: Caution: This stage can cause bodily harm, dismemberment or death when miscalculated. This stage is shorter than the human mind can calculate, especially the LDS human mind. As a result, LDS human beings are particularly susceptible to falling off this stage. The extended portion of this stage can also result in bodily harm, dismemberment or death, especially to young members of the LDS church, who do not calculate properly the low height of the stage extension, particularly while running wildly around the room during, before or after any church activity.
Primary Folding Chairs: Caution: This chair is a lethal weapon. Serious injury or even death can occur as a result of standing on the inside edge of the chair while facing backwards, or learning too far over to the right or the left, or pulling the chair from behind, or any other acrobatic move LDS children are so prone to invent while attending Primary.
Chapel or Classroom Partition: Caution: This partition is not to be used as a flying, swinging, pushing or shoving device as could be imagined on any amusement park ride. Such action could result in bodily harm, dismemberment or even death.
EVERY LDS PERSON SHOULD KNOW ABOUT !!!:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
CAUTION: THESE LABELS MUST APPEAR
WHERE EVER LDS CHURCH HOUSE ITEMS ARE FOUND!!!:
Church doors: Caution: This door is a lethal weapon. This door can cause extreme bodily harm, bodily dismemberment or even death to any Primary, Relief Society or Priesthood member who chooses to rush down the hall without an assumption that this door could fly open at any moment by another impatient LDS member.
Chair Racks: Caution: Chair racks can cause extreme bodily harm, dismemberment or death when used as a temporary amusement park specialty ride, specifically before, during or after LDS Christmas parties and/or when occupied by lots of Primary children and manually steered and/or pushed and/or pulled by any young man/men between the ages of twelve to eighteen.
Hymn Holders: Caution: This hymn holder can cause brain injury, damage or even death to any or all babies or toddlers when child is unsupervised by parents, especially during the opening or closing prayer. Hymn Holders are also not to be used as storage units for gum, gum wrappers, toys, papers, purses, pens, pencils, shoes, socks, books, dirt, sand, scrapbooking material, face cards …
LDS Cultural Hall Stage: Caution: This stage can cause bodily harm, dismemberment or death when miscalculated. This stage is shorter than the human mind can calculate, especially the LDS human mind. As a result, LDS human beings are particularly susceptible to falling off this stage. The extended portion of this stage can also result in bodily harm, dismemberment or death, especially to young members of the LDS church, who do not calculate properly the low height of the stage extension, particularly while running wildly around the room during, before or after any church activity.
Primary Folding Chairs: Caution: This chair is a lethal weapon. Serious injury or even death can occur as a result of standing on the inside edge of the chair while facing backwards, or learning too far over to the right or the left, or pulling the chair from behind, or any other acrobatic move LDS children are so prone to invent while attending Primary.
Chapel or Classroom Partition: Caution: This partition is not to be used as a flying, swinging, pushing or shoving device as could be imagined on any amusement park ride. Such action could result in bodily harm, dismemberment or even death.
Friday, October 07, 2005
MOTHER GOOSE BREAKING NEWS: LDS FARMER IN THE DELL
THE LDS FARMER IN THE DELL
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward,
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward,
Hi-ho, the marrry-o,
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward.
The Returned Missionary takes a wife,
The Returned Missionary takes a wife,
Hi-ho, the marry-o,
The Returned Missionary takes a wife.
The wife has a child,
The wife has a child,
Hi-ho, the marry-o,
The wife has a child.
The wife has another child,
The wife has another child,
Hi-ho, the they love this marry-o,
The wife has another child.
The wife has more children,
The wife has more children,
Hi-ho, the holy freakin’ marry-o,
The wife has more children.
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten,
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten,
Hi-ho, the what-have-we-done? marry-o,
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten.
The wife goes to the doctor,
The wife goes to the doctor,
Hi-ho, Doctor-can-you-help-me-please? marry-o,
The wife goes to the doctor.
The Doctor gives her Prozac,
The Doctor gives her Prozac,
Hi-ho, the thank-goodness-for-modern-day-medicine marry-o
The Doctor gives her Prozac.
The Prozac calms her down,
The Prozac calms her down,
Hi-ho, this blessed marry-o,
The Prozac calms her down.
The kids grow to be teenagers,
The kids grow to be teenagers,
Hi-ho, this darn-tootin’-flabbergastin’-what-the-“h”-have-these- kids-done-now? marry-o,
The kids grow to be teenagers.
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars,
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars,
Hi-ho, the Can-life-get-any-worse-than-this?marry-o,
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars.
The parents are at wits end,
The parents are at wits end,
Hi-ho, the Ever-livin’-what-were-we-thinkin’? marry-o
The parents are at wits end.
The kids graduate, but never leave home,
The kids graduate, but never leave home,
Hi-ho, the This-can’t-get-any-worse marry-o,
The kids graduate, but never leave home.
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home,
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home,
Hi-ho, the What-did-I-do-wrong-in-the-pre-existence? marry-o
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home.
The kids put the parents in a home,
The kids put the parents in a home,
Hi-ho, the Life-just-isn’t-fair scenario,
The kids put the parents in a home.
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face),
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face),
Hi-ho, the I-told-you-life-wouldn’t-be-easy-but-it-would-be-worth-it scenario,
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face).
The Returned Missionary stands alone,
The Returned Missionary stands alone,
Hi-ho, the Being Married Forever marry-o,
The Returned Missionary stands alone.
But, then, there’s a sister down the hall who’s only 87-years old,
eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker,
But, then, there’s a sister down the hall who’s only 87-years old,
eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker,
Hi-ho, this ever lovin’ LDS marry-o,
There's a sister down the hall, who's only 87-years old, eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward,
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward,
Hi-ho, the marrry-o,
The Returned Missionary goes to the Single’s Ward.
The Returned Missionary takes a wife,
The Returned Missionary takes a wife,
Hi-ho, the marry-o,
The Returned Missionary takes a wife.
The wife has a child,
The wife has a child,
Hi-ho, the marry-o,
The wife has a child.
The wife has another child,
The wife has another child,
Hi-ho, the they love this marry-o,
The wife has another child.
The wife has more children,
The wife has more children,
Hi-ho, the holy freakin’ marry-o,
The wife has more children.
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten,
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten,
Hi-ho, the what-have-we-done? marry-o,
The wife now has nine children all under the age of ten.
The wife goes to the doctor,
The wife goes to the doctor,
Hi-ho, Doctor-can-you-help-me-please? marry-o,
The wife goes to the doctor.
The Doctor gives her Prozac,
The Doctor gives her Prozac,
Hi-ho, the thank-goodness-for-modern-day-medicine marry-o
The Doctor gives her Prozac.
The Prozac calms her down,
The Prozac calms her down,
Hi-ho, this blessed marry-o,
The Prozac calms her down.
The kids grow to be teenagers,
The kids grow to be teenagers,
Hi-ho, this darn-tootin’-flabbergastin’-what-the-“h”-have-these- kids-done-now? marry-o,
The kids grow to be teenagers.
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars,
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars,
Hi-ho, the Can-life-get-any-worse-than-this?marry-o,
The Returned Missionary works three jobs to pay for the car insurance for the teenagers who keep wrecking all the cars.
The parents are at wits end,
The parents are at wits end,
Hi-ho, the Ever-livin’-what-were-we-thinkin’? marry-o
The parents are at wits end.
The kids graduate, but never leave home,
The kids graduate, but never leave home,
Hi-ho, the This-can’t-get-any-worse marry-o,
The kids graduate, but never leave home.
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home,
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home,
Hi-ho, the What-did-I-do-wrong-in-the-pre-existence? marry-o
The kids get married and have kids, but never leave home.
The kids put the parents in a home,
The kids put the parents in a home,
Hi-ho, the Life-just-isn’t-fair scenario,
The kids put the parents in a home.
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face),
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face),
Hi-ho, the I-told-you-life-wouldn’t-be-easy-but-it-would-be-worth-it scenario,
The wife eventually dies (with a smile on her face).
The Returned Missionary stands alone,
The Returned Missionary stands alone,
Hi-ho, the Being Married Forever marry-o,
The Returned Missionary stands alone.
But, then, there’s a sister down the hall who’s only 87-years old,
eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker,
But, then, there’s a sister down the hall who’s only 87-years old,
eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker,
Hi-ho, this ever lovin’ LDS marry-o,
There's a sister down the hall, who's only 87-years old, eyein' him while she's holding onto her walker.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD'S RECORDS BREAKING NEWS: LDS WORLD RECORDS LDS MEMBER NEVER WANT TO BREAK
LDS WORLD RECORDS
LDS MEMBERS
SHOULD NEVER DESIRE TO BREAK:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
World’s worst LDS testimony bearer.
Looks most like Satan.
World’s most boring LDS Sunday School lesson.
Most calories consumed the night before a LDS Fast and Testimony meeting.
Farthest stray from a LDS High Priest Group lesson.
Least amount of LDS tithing paid.
Most times kicked out of a LDS Ward choir.
Most Cheerios spilled on the LDS chapel carpet.
Worst injury from a LDS Primary folding chair.
LDS Scoutmaster with the worst temper at Scout Camp.
LDS Scoutmaster most likely to lose a scout at Scout Camp.
LDS Church's biggest funeral potato casserole.
LDS church member who holds the record for the most amount of time spent searching for a lost ancestor.
LDS church sister who believes most that she was told in the pre-existence that she was supposed to marry Steve Young.
Most likely to fall away from the LDS church.
LDS church's ugliest sleeper in Sacrament Meeting.
LDS church members worst comb-over.
LDS church member least likely to know the meaning of any scripture.
LDS church's biggest signs of the times expert.
.
LDS MEMBERS
SHOULD NEVER DESIRE TO BREAK:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
World’s worst LDS testimony bearer.
Looks most like Satan.
World’s most boring LDS Sunday School lesson.
Most calories consumed the night before a LDS Fast and Testimony meeting.
Farthest stray from a LDS High Priest Group lesson.
Least amount of LDS tithing paid.
Most times kicked out of a LDS Ward choir.
Most Cheerios spilled on the LDS chapel carpet.
Worst injury from a LDS Primary folding chair.
LDS Scoutmaster with the worst temper at Scout Camp.
LDS Scoutmaster most likely to lose a scout at Scout Camp.
LDS Church's biggest funeral potato casserole.
LDS church member who holds the record for the most amount of time spent searching for a lost ancestor.
LDS church sister who believes most that she was told in the pre-existence that she was supposed to marry Steve Young.
Most likely to fall away from the LDS church.
LDS church's ugliest sleeper in Sacrament Meeting.
LDS church members worst comb-over.
LDS church member least likely to know the meaning of any scripture.
LDS church's biggest signs of the times expert.
.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
GET READY FOR SUNDAY BREAKING NEWS: GENERAL CONFERENCE GREETING CARDS
GENERAL CONFERENCE GREETING CARDS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Wish you were here
watching conference with us,
but we understand
that sometimes
things get in the way.
Ever since you had
that nervous break down
after discovering you had glued
all the pages of your scrapbooks together,
life just hasn’t been the same.
Get well soon, Mom.
We love you!
Thinking of you on this day ...
draped over the arm of your chair
like a rag doll napping,
reading the paper with it held so close to you
and high enough that we didn't even know you were there,
wrestling all of us ‘til we cried,
then picking on, Bobby, the family dog.
Ah, the happy moments we shared.
Thanks for everything
and Happy General Conference Day, Dad.
Every other day of the year, you get out of bed early.
But, today, stay in your pajamas,
don’t get out of bed,
don’t brush your teeth
or take a shower,
eat your scrambled eggs and toast in bed
with crumbs dropping all over your sheets
‘CAUSE IT'S GENERAL CONFERENCE SUNDAY!!!
Thank goodness we're LDS!
Thank you for teaching me how to surf the TV channels,
then land on the Conference channel
just in time for the testimony.
You’re the greatest, Dad!
Shut the shades.
Put on a mask.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Take the phone off the hook.
Ignore the banging that WILL come to your front door.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Wear ear plugs.
In fact, hide in the closet.
You deserve to have one day to yourself, Bishop.
And have a great Happy General Conference Sunday.
Here’s hoping that while flipping back and forth
between all of the NFL games
and General Conference
that you will not miss out
on the announcement
that the millennium has begun!
Happy General Conference Sunday!!!
I remember all the Sundays we’d watch conference:
The junk food,
the fights,
the messy house,
the series of lengthy naps.
Thanks for creating such good memories
and traditions that will last a lifetime, Mom.
Grandma,
remember how you used to bake
those molasses cookies
and make us sit up straight for two hours?
Now that my back has recovered
and my digestive system has returned to normal,
I can honestly say,
thanks for the memories.
Happy General Conference Sunday, Grandma.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Wish you were here
watching conference with us,
but we understand
that sometimes
things get in the way.
Ever since you had
that nervous break down
after discovering you had glued
all the pages of your scrapbooks together,
life just hasn’t been the same.
Get well soon, Mom.
We love you!
Thinking of you on this day ...
draped over the arm of your chair
like a rag doll napping,
reading the paper with it held so close to you
and high enough that we didn't even know you were there,
wrestling all of us ‘til we cried,
then picking on, Bobby, the family dog.
Ah, the happy moments we shared.
Thanks for everything
and Happy General Conference Day, Dad.
Every other day of the year, you get out of bed early.
But, today, stay in your pajamas,
don’t get out of bed,
don’t brush your teeth
or take a shower,
eat your scrambled eggs and toast in bed
with crumbs dropping all over your sheets
‘CAUSE IT'S GENERAL CONFERENCE SUNDAY!!!
Thank goodness we're LDS!
Thank you for teaching me how to surf the TV channels,
then land on the Conference channel
just in time for the testimony.
You’re the greatest, Dad!
Shut the shades.
Put on a mask.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Take the phone off the hook.
Ignore the banging that WILL come to your front door.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Wear ear plugs.
In fact, hide in the closet.
You deserve to have one day to yourself, Bishop.
And have a great Happy General Conference Sunday.
Here’s hoping that while flipping back and forth
between all of the NFL games
and General Conference
that you will not miss out
on the announcement
that the millennium has begun!
Happy General Conference Sunday!!!
I remember all the Sundays we’d watch conference:
The junk food,
the fights,
the messy house,
the series of lengthy naps.
Thanks for creating such good memories
and traditions that will last a lifetime, Mom.
Grandma,
remember how you used to bake
those molasses cookies
and make us sit up straight for two hours?
Now that my back has recovered
and my digestive system has returned to normal,
I can honestly say,
thanks for the memories.
Happy General Conference Sunday, Grandma.
Monday, September 26, 2005
PORPOURRI BREAKING NEWS: LDS NEWS YOU CAN USE
LDS NEWS YOU CAN USE:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Congratulations to "T". Your answers to Primary Remix Titles are correct:
1. The Golden Plates
2. I Hope They Call Me on a Mission
3. Popcorn Popping (On the Apricot Tree)
4. Pioneer Children Sang as They Walked
5. I Am a Child of God
6. Hello, Friends (?)Great site!
Well, we've give you a Primary win on 6 -- the answer really is:
Hello, Hello!
More happyjellybeans :
Someone from Sandy, when she was younger, she believed the 13th Article of Faith read:
We believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant!
(Needless to say, she was a little afraid of this one.)
Other misunderstood Articles of Faith include:
#4: We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on our vans for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
#11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dig dates of our
old con chins, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
#6: We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, Eve's jealous, and so forth.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Congratulations to "T". Your answers to Primary Remix Titles are correct:
1. The Golden Plates
2. I Hope They Call Me on a Mission
3. Popcorn Popping (On the Apricot Tree)
4. Pioneer Children Sang as They Walked
5. I Am a Child of God
6. Hello, Friends (?)Great site!
Well, we've give you a Primary win on 6 -- the answer really is:
Hello, Hello!
More happyjellybeans :
Someone from Sandy, when she was younger, she believed the 13th Article of Faith read:
We believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant!
(Needless to say, she was a little afraid of this one.)
Other misunderstood Articles of Faith include:
#4: We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on our vans for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
#11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dig dates of our
old con chins, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
#6: We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, Eve's jealous, and so forth.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
DYING BREAKING NEWS: EPITAPHS FOR LDS PEOPLE
EPTIAPHS FOR LDS PEOPLE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
LDS Genealogist: Finally able to locate
that one relative
whose records were burned
in the 1890 fire.
LDS Home Teacher: Tell all my families
I won’t be visiting them
this month either.
LDS High Priest: Every Sunday in High Priest’s Quorum,
I practiced for this moment.
LDS Ward Clerk: Gone to Heaven to count souls.
LDS Primary Teacher: I just hope they serve good treats there.
LDS Nursery Leaders: Even if I go to hell, it can’t be any worse
than where I’ve just been.
LDS Relief Society President: Goin’ to eat that great casserole in the sky.
LDS Basketball Player: Hopefully they have good refs there.
LDS Sunday School: Thank goodness I'll never
have to find another substitute again.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
LDS Genealogist: Finally able to locate
that one relative
whose records were burned
in the 1890 fire.
LDS Home Teacher: Tell all my families
I won’t be visiting them
this month either.
LDS High Priest: Every Sunday in High Priest’s Quorum,
I practiced for this moment.
LDS Ward Clerk: Gone to Heaven to count souls.
LDS Primary Teacher: I just hope they serve good treats there.
LDS Nursery Leaders: Even if I go to hell, it can’t be any worse
than where I’ve just been.
LDS Relief Society President: Goin’ to eat that great casserole in the sky.
LDS Basketball Player: Hopefully they have good refs there.
LDS Sunday School: Thank goodness I'll never
have to find another substitute again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: APPLICATION TO BE A SCOUTMASTER
Application to be a Scoutmaster:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:___/___/___ Height:_____
Weight:_____I.Q.:______ G.P.A.:______
Soc. Sec.#______-___-____
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Current felony convictions: Yes___No____
Time spent in prison?_____ Explain:_______
Home Address or P.O. Box:_______________ City/State/Zip_______________________
Cell phone number:________________
Best time to call, when cell phone is not subject to disconnection:___________
Do you own any of the following:
a. Gun?____
b. Rifle?____
c. Machine gun?_____
d. Hand grenades?____
e. Nuclear weapons?_____
f. Beebee gun?_____
g. Bow/arrows?_____
h. Stun gun?_____
i. Mace?______
j. Numchucks?_____
k. Matches?_____
l. Gasoline?_____
m. Fertilizer?______
n. Large rocks?_____
Do you have any of the following:
a. Tatoos_____
b. Fatigues______
c. Caps that sit too high on head______
Favorite swear word?_____________
How often used?______________
Under what conditions?______________
(Please know that answering YES to any
of the above questions, will not disqualify
you from being a Scoutmaster.
This form is a necessary requirement
so the scouts and parents can get to know
you better.)
In 30 words or less,
what does the word "LOST" mean to you? _______________________________
In 30 words or less,
what do the words "KEEP AN EYE ON ALL
SCOUTS AT ALL TIMES” mean to you? ______________________________
Please feel free to all of the following questions freely.
All answers are confidential.
a. If a Scout is lost or injured while under your care,
and you were beaten as a result,
the last bone you would like broken is: __________________________________
b. The one thing you hope this application
does not ask you is:
_________________________________
PLEASE NOTE: Should any of the questions be
answered dishonestly, please continue
to fill out application. We realize everyone
has their problems and the Scouting
program has its needs.
Please agree to the following statement:
I swear that all information provided above is true
and correct to the best of my knowledge
under penalty of death, dismemberment,
electrocution, and/or being dragged
over a flaming fire pit.
_____________________________
Sign here (This means sign you.)
Thank you for your interest in the Scouting program.
As each and every application is automatically approved,
please go home and start packing. The Scouts await
your leadership and we appreciate your willingness
to take sixteen unruly boys out into the middle of nowhere,
live under dire circumstances and somehow
keep your sanity and/or willingness to seek counseling
or serve time. If there is anything we can do to help you,
please don’t bother calling us as we have had disconnected
our phones and only desire to wish you the best of luck
in your Scouting ventures.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:___/___/___ Height:_____
Weight:_____I.Q.:______ G.P.A.:______
Soc. Sec.#______-___-____
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Current felony convictions: Yes___No____
Time spent in prison?_____ Explain:_______
Home Address or P.O. Box:_______________ City/State/Zip_______________________
Cell phone number:________________
Best time to call, when cell phone is not subject to disconnection:___________
Do you own any of the following:
a. Gun?____
b. Rifle?____
c. Machine gun?_____
d. Hand grenades?____
e. Nuclear weapons?_____
f. Beebee gun?_____
g. Bow/arrows?_____
h. Stun gun?_____
i. Mace?______
j. Numchucks?_____
k. Matches?_____
l. Gasoline?_____
m. Fertilizer?______
n. Large rocks?_____
Do you have any of the following:
a. Tatoos_____
b. Fatigues______
c. Caps that sit too high on head______
Favorite swear word?_____________
How often used?______________
Under what conditions?______________
(Please know that answering YES to any
of the above questions, will not disqualify
you from being a Scoutmaster.
This form is a necessary requirement
so the scouts and parents can get to know
you better.)
In 30 words or less,
what does the word "LOST" mean to you? _______________________________
In 30 words or less,
what do the words "KEEP AN EYE ON ALL
SCOUTS AT ALL TIMES” mean to you? ______________________________
Please feel free to all of the following questions freely.
All answers are confidential.
a. If a Scout is lost or injured while under your care,
and you were beaten as a result,
the last bone you would like broken is: __________________________________
b. The one thing you hope this application
does not ask you is:
_________________________________
PLEASE NOTE: Should any of the questions be
answered dishonestly, please continue
to fill out application. We realize everyone
has their problems and the Scouting
program has its needs.
Please agree to the following statement:
I swear that all information provided above is true
and correct to the best of my knowledge
under penalty of death, dismemberment,
electrocution, and/or being dragged
over a flaming fire pit.
_____________________________
Sign here (This means sign you.)
Thank you for your interest in the Scouting program.
As each and every application is automatically approved,
please go home and start packing. The Scouts await
your leadership and we appreciate your willingness
to take sixteen unruly boys out into the middle of nowhere,
live under dire circumstances and somehow
keep your sanity and/or willingness to seek counseling
or serve time. If there is anything we can do to help you,
please don’t bother calling us as we have had disconnected
our phones and only desire to wish you the best of luck
in your Scouting ventures.
Friday, September 16, 2005
JUST IN TIME FOR SUNDAY BREAKING NEWS: HURRY: LAST MINUTE IDEAS FOR TEACHING SUNDAY SCHOOL
HURRY: LAST MINUTE IDEAS FOR TEACHING SUNDAY SCHOOL:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Read the lesson manual carefully, prayerfully consider the contents and teach the class accordingly.
Second: Re-teach a lesson you gave thirty years ago when the Brady Bunch were in.
Third: Read an article from the Ensign and try to “humbly” summarize its message.
Fourth: Invite a visitor to come in and speak, impromptu, about a certain Gospel subject -- usually a good friend, neighbor, spouse or a child -- preferably someone who's Mormon.
Fifth: Do a Google search on "Successful LDS Sunday School Lessons" on the internet and find something that has worked in other Wards.
Sixth: Tell the class that today is discussion day, toss out a topic and pray it doesn’t lead to an apostate subject.
Seventh: Tell a class member that you suddenly feel inspired to have him or her teach your class.
Eighth: Write the missionaries.
Ninth: Play hang man over and over and over again, avoiding, for as long as you can, the raised hand of the person who knows the answer.
Tenth: If all else fails... call in with a sudden emergency.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Read the lesson manual carefully, prayerfully consider the contents and teach the class accordingly.
Second: Re-teach a lesson you gave thirty years ago when the Brady Bunch were in.
Third: Read an article from the Ensign and try to “humbly” summarize its message.
Fourth: Invite a visitor to come in and speak, impromptu, about a certain Gospel subject -- usually a good friend, neighbor, spouse or a child -- preferably someone who's Mormon.
Fifth: Do a Google search on "Successful LDS Sunday School Lessons" on the internet and find something that has worked in other Wards.
Sixth: Tell the class that today is discussion day, toss out a topic and pray it doesn’t lead to an apostate subject.
Seventh: Tell a class member that you suddenly feel inspired to have him or her teach your class.
Eighth: Write the missionaries.
Ninth: Play hang man over and over and over again, avoiding, for as long as you can, the raised hand of the person who knows the answer.
Tenth: If all else fails... call in with a sudden emergency.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
'TIS THE SEASON BREAKING NEWS: THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF CANNING
The Do’s and Don’ts of Canning:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Grandma Randy
Do can peaches.
Do not can hot dogs.
Do eat the food you can.
Do not eat the food you can if the food was canned by your great, great grandmother.
Do save the jars to be reused.
Do not save the lids, unless the Relief Society has figured out a way to use them in an inexpensive Christmas wreath.
Do use jars for other things like making dry, stackable soup or cookie ingredients that can be given to neighbors, and never used, for Christmas or for storing nails, tacks and other things in the garage.
Do not use jars as bowling pins.
Do use the jar rings for beautiful Christmas ornaments to adorn your Christmas tree or to cut dough to make doughnuts.
Do not use the jar rings for earrings, no matter how much the Relief Society tells you how they are the most current fad.
Do use the jar lifter to lift jars from cooker.
Do not use the jar lifter as a back scratcher in front of house guests.
Do use the jar cooker to boils jars of fruit.
Do not use the jar cooker to bathe the family pet.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Grandma Randy
Do can peaches.
Do not can hot dogs.
Do eat the food you can.
Do not eat the food you can if the food was canned by your great, great grandmother.
Do save the jars to be reused.
Do not save the lids, unless the Relief Society has figured out a way to use them in an inexpensive Christmas wreath.
Do use jars for other things like making dry, stackable soup or cookie ingredients that can be given to neighbors, and never used, for Christmas or for storing nails, tacks and other things in the garage.
Do not use jars as bowling pins.
Do use the jar rings for beautiful Christmas ornaments to adorn your Christmas tree or to cut dough to make doughnuts.
Do not use the jar rings for earrings, no matter how much the Relief Society tells you how they are the most current fad.
Do use the jar lifter to lift jars from cooker.
Do not use the jar lifter as a back scratcher in front of house guests.
Do use the jar cooker to boils jars of fruit.
Do not use the jar cooker to bathe the family pet.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
BREAKING NEWS IN DA HOOD: PRIMARY SONGS REMIXED
TITLES OF PRIMARY SONGS REMIXED:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
D'em Bling, Bling Corelle’s That Yo Mama Gives You Supper On
I’z Be Crossin’ My Fingers Dat Someday I’z Goes Tryin’ To Gets People To Agree To Be Dunked In D’em Waters
Look at All D'em Kernels Goin' To Town on Dat Piece of Fruit Bearin' Nature
All D’em Shorties In De’m Tied-Under-the-Chin Hoods Dropped De’m Rhymes As D’ey Footed D’ere Way Across D’em Mountains
I Be From Da Man Above
Wha’s Up, Hey Dawg
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
D'em Bling, Bling Corelle’s That Yo Mama Gives You Supper On
I’z Be Crossin’ My Fingers Dat Someday I’z Goes Tryin’ To Gets People To Agree To Be Dunked In D’em Waters
Look at All D'em Kernels Goin' To Town on Dat Piece of Fruit Bearin' Nature
All D’em Shorties In De’m Tied-Under-the-Chin Hoods Dropped De’m Rhymes As D’ey Footed D’ere Way Across D’em Mountains
I Be From Da Man Above
Wha’s Up, Hey Dawg
Monday, September 12, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS IS BACK WITH THREE BRAND NEW, YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, LDS CRAZY THOUGHTS!!!!
HAPPYJELLYBEANS IS BACK!!!!
AND JUST WHERE WAS HJB? HJB WENT ON VACATION!!!
WISH YOU COULD'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!!
BUT, WHILE ON VACATION, HAPPYJELLYBEANS NOTICED/THOUGHT OF/DILLUSIONED THE FOLLOWING:
(Now, don't go gettin' all ADHD on me. I've actually included TWO LDS thoughts for the day, to make up for my neglect: LDS Pronounced vs. English Pronounced Words and Things You'll Only Ever Find at a BYU Football Game)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WHAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING OF THE FOLLOWING LDS-PRONOUNCED WORDS?
(Example sentences used, for your convenience.)
Ki-en: "Hey, leave that ki-en alone. It's having ki-ens."
Shu-up: "No, you shu-up!"
Bu-on: "Oh no, I lost my bu-on."
Moun-ain: "Oh, wow, look at them pretty moun-ains."
Lay-on: "I live in Lay-on."
Mi-ens: "It's cold out. I think I'll put on my mi-ens."
Cur-ains: "Those cur-ains are filthy."
Fla-ened: "Now look. My bread is all fla-aned."
Go-en: "I should have go-en up at 8, but I slept in."
Hi-in’: "Quit hi-in' your sister!"
Ge-in’: "I should be ge-in' home, how 'bout you?"
Le-in’: "I keep le-in' the dog in and now Mom's mad at me."
Nu-in’: "I'm not doin' nu-in'. Why? Wanna do some-hin?
Pu-in’: "I keep pu-in' salt in my cereal instead of sugar."
THINGS YOU'LL ONLY EVER SEE
AT A BYU FOOTBALL GAME:
Fresh, homemade scones
Popcorn
Fans drinking milk
10,000 female fans wearing engagement rings
10,000 men yelling, "Shoot," each time a player fumbles the ball
Fans doing their home/visiting teaching during half-time
21,998 smiling faces
A "wave" that lasts nearly a full quarter
Pinkie CTR rings instead of pinkie football rings
Fully clothed cheerleaders
AND JUST WHERE WAS HJB? HJB WENT ON VACATION!!!
WISH YOU COULD'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!!
BUT, WHILE ON VACATION, HAPPYJELLYBEANS NOTICED/THOUGHT OF/DILLUSIONED THE FOLLOWING:
(Now, don't go gettin' all ADHD on me. I've actually included TWO LDS thoughts for the day, to make up for my neglect: LDS Pronounced vs. English Pronounced Words and Things You'll Only Ever Find at a BYU Football Game)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WHAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING OF THE FOLLOWING LDS-PRONOUNCED WORDS?
(Example sentences used, for your convenience.)
Ki-en: "Hey, leave that ki-en alone. It's having ki-ens."
Shu-up: "No, you shu-up!"
Bu-on: "Oh no, I lost my bu-on."
Moun-ain: "Oh, wow, look at them pretty moun-ains."
Lay-on: "I live in Lay-on."
Mi-ens: "It's cold out. I think I'll put on my mi-ens."
Cur-ains: "Those cur-ains are filthy."
Fla-ened: "Now look. My bread is all fla-aned."
Go-en: "I should have go-en up at 8, but I slept in."
Hi-in’: "Quit hi-in' your sister!"
Ge-in’: "I should be ge-in' home, how 'bout you?"
Le-in’: "I keep le-in' the dog in and now Mom's mad at me."
Nu-in’: "I'm not doin' nu-in'. Why? Wanna do some-hin?
Pu-in’: "I keep pu-in' salt in my cereal instead of sugar."
THINGS YOU'LL ONLY EVER SEE
AT A BYU FOOTBALL GAME:
Fresh, homemade scones
Popcorn
Fans drinking milk
10,000 female fans wearing engagement rings
10,000 men yelling, "Shoot," each time a player fumbles the ball
Fans doing their home/visiting teaching during half-time
21,998 smiling faces
A "wave" that lasts nearly a full quarter
Pinkie CTR rings instead of pinkie football rings
Fully clothed cheerleaders
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