IMPORTANT MEMO FROM THE WARD PRIMARY PRESIDENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Re: New Rules for all Primary children:
Following is the latest list of new rules for all Primary children. Please see that these rules are obeyed at all times:
1. Treats may NEVER be served in Primary:
* Okay, treats are acceptable when the treat emphasizes the lesson objective so effectively that it is able to overide any or all religious angles.
* Okay, treats can be served when everything else has failed to stop a child from a)screaming, b) hitting, c) threatens never to come to church again and his or her parents are inactive, or d) calls the teacher stupid, boring and/or selfish.
* Okay, treats are allowed on all major holidays, but not Arbor Day, Pearl Harbor, National Nestle Crunch Day or All Saints Day.
2. Primary children are never to stand on the folding chairs:
* Okay, if a child is sure he or she knows the correct answer and is so excited about being the first to answer the question correctly, Primary children may stand on their chairs, as long as they keep one hand holding onto the top of the metal chair at all times.
* All right, if a disruptive child will be more quieter as a result of standing on a chair then that child may stand on his or her chair.
3. Primary children must never use loud voices:
* Okay, if every child in a class is so uncontrollable that the only way for the children to be heard is for them to all yell out the answer at the same time, then yelling is okay for that class only.
* Okay, if the Primary chorister, while standing stood before the children, looks into a hand mirror, puts on a thick layer of bright red lipstick and then threatens to kiss any child who does not sing, then it is perfectly acceptable for that child to yell as loudly as is possibe.
4. Every Primary child must take his or her turn talking:
* Okay, if the Primary children repeatedly respond to a teacher's question more rapidly than unstoppable machine gun fire, then the children may all speak at once.
5. No Primary child shall ever be allowed to run in the halls to class.
* Okay, if a Primary child has new shoes on, then that child may run.
* If a Primary class gets such a good running start that it becomes impossible for them to hear their teacher unless that teacher yells, then it is okay for those children to run in the hall.
* If a Primary substitute is unaware that his or her class is wild until that class has established this by racing away from him or her like a team of wild horses, then that Primary class may run also.
6. All Primary children must sing:
* Okay, if a Primary child says he or she will tell his or her father if he or she is forced to sing, and that child's father happens to be the Bishop of the Ward, then that child does not have to sing.
7. A Primary child must never talk to the person sitting next to him or her:
* Okay, if talking to the person sitting next to a disruptive child tends to stop that child from constantly yelling out comments to the entire Primary, then that child may talk to his or her neighbor
* If a Primary teacher looks like he or she is going to ask to be released because he or she is so sick of telling his or her class to be quiet, then the children of that Primary teacher may also talk to their neighbor.
8. A Primary child must always sit up in his or her chair.
* Okay, if allowing a disruptive child to lay down and sleep on his or her chair causes the entire Primary to be reverent, then that Primary child may lay down on his or her chair.
If any other questions or comments arise regarding any other types of "acting out" on behalf of a Primary child, because the Primary children must come first, please keep in mind, the Primary children are usually the one's who are ultimately in charge!
Sincerely,
Your Ward Primary, Sister I. B. Goode 2
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