SEVEN VERY CRAZY LETTERS FROM
THE BISHOPRIC OF THE AMERICAN 1ST WARD
FOUND!!! (By Bettyanne Bruin)
1: Dearly beloved members of greatest ward in the church, The American 1st Ward:
We, as a Bishopric are very excited to inform all of you who have so righteously enjoyed being a member of the American 1st Ward of our very first “Fantastic Latter-Day Saint Celebration,” which will be held this Friday, beginning promptly at 6:30 p.m.
For those of you who love getting together and eating, as well as those who are able to come and have fun, there will be plenty of food and the entertainment we have lined up is guaranteed to be better than anything you have ever experienced before.
Plan on attending this great event!
Your eternal brother in the Gospel,
Brother Joseph Kimball Anderson, Executive Secretary of the American 1st Ward
2: Dear members of The American 1st Ward:
We, as a Bishopric, would like to clarify yesterday's letter. In no way did we mean to imply that our upcoming Ward party is only for the “righteous” members of the ward. The word “righteous” was only meant to suggest “valiant,” “dedicated,” “devoted” and/or “excited.” We did not mean to imply that there is a classification of ward members who are considered to be members of a lower kingdom. We apologize for any misunderstandings this may have caused.
Also, because of growing concerns, we have now agreed to call our ward party, “The Fantastic Christian Celebration.”
Your friend in the Gospel,
Brother JK Anderson, Executive Secretary of the American 1st Ward
3. Dear fellow Ward members:
In reference to the email I just received yesterday regarding the dinner beginning promptly at 6:30 p.m. --we did not mean to say that some ward members have a problem with punctuality. We realize unforeseen difficulties can arise throughout the day which cause some members to be late from time to time. However, because of the necessity to have a starting time for this occasion, we must emphasize that the ward party will begin as to close to 6:30 p.m. as possible.
In addition to the above clarification, the comment relating to “the greatest experience of your life” was meant to exclude spiritual experiences.
Your associate in the Gospel,
Brother Anderson
4. Dear members of the Ward who I happen to have to associate with:
Please be aware that our reference to, “those of you who love getting together and eating,” was not never intended to mean people who might have a problem with overeating or any other eating disorder.
Also, we have arranged for those of you who cannot hear to sit closest to the front, while all of you who are bothered by loud noises may sit as far back as possible. Wayward children are invited, as are those who do not currently hold a church calling. And yes, the church librarians may have their own table. Plus, for those of you who are concerned, the temperature of the room will be regulated by a very impartial person.
Please note: The Ward party has now been renamed, “The Friday the 18th Party.”
Is everyone okay now?
Thanks,
JK Anderson
5. Dear people:
My gosh! I cannot believe this! Who would ever think, in their own right mind, that the comment, “those who are able to come and have fun,” was meant to express that we have a ton of depressed people in this ward? While we realize there are a lot of you suffering from many forms of mental illness, we also realize that, for the most part, everyone’s medications have taken care of most of these problems. The reference to come and have fun was merely a suggestion relating to time or the opportunity to come to the party, and not a personal attack on someone’s state of mind.
Geez.
Mr. Anderson
6. Hey, all of you out there whose brains are no bigger than a green pea:
First of all: For those of you with poor memories: Get over it! The words, “Plan now,” are so self-explanatory that anyone hearing these words would never think they are bothersome -- unless that person happens to be memory-challenged, like you. And what do expect me to do about this, huh? Call you every day? You’ve got to be kidding. I can’t help it if your brain is so dysfunctional that you can’t even remember a ward party! No way, people. You’re on your own on this one!
Signed,
None of you will ever know what the definition of furious really is!
7. Dear members of The American 1st Ward:
We, as a Bishopric, would like to invite you to join us in wishing Brother Anderson a quick return to good health as he struggles from a recently acquired, severe case of anxiety-related depression (ARD).
Brother Anderson's 24-hour, onsite psychiatrist has informed us that phone calls cannot be accepted at this time. Yet, cards and letters would be appreciated.
Plus, an executive decision has been made to cancel the ward party. However, we wish you well in your efforts to become perfected in the Gospel as you continue your personal journey towards reaching the Celestial kingdom.
Sincerely,
The American 1st Ward Bishopric
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