WINTRY BREAKING NEWS!!! JUST IN: ANOTHER NEW MORMON HORRORSCOPE HAS JUST COME ACROSS THE WIRE!!!

GULP!!! THE ULTIMATE MORMON HORROSCOPE FOR TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15TH (THE DAY AFTER VALENTINE'S DAY!)


You are probably still suffering some of the negative effects experienced yesterday after forgetting to give your special someone a Valentine’s Day gift. It didn’t help trying to justify your actions by telling your dearly beloved loved one that since Saint Valentine was once a priest of Rome who secretly married couples, and, because of this, was beaten to death and had his head cut off on the 14th of February 270 AD, that maybe Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be celebrated after all.

However, your special someone was quick to point out that if the Celestial Kingdom is also real (which it is) and you hope to go there someday with this person (which you do), then you’d better never forget Valentine’s Day ever again.

This thought causes you to reflect on the Celestial Kingdom and how poorly you have remembered those who have loved you the most through the years, so you decide to make up for yesterday by celebrating what is worth honoring today. While at work, you look on internet and discover that today is the 247th anniversary of another great day in America’s history: Benjamin Franklin’s discovery of that great condiment: Mustard. You get so excited about this discovery that you immediately notify your loved ones that you will be fixing a surprise dinner tonight just to show everyone how much you love them. You will buy yellow mustard, Grey Poupon, hot dogs, buns, mustard pretzels, mustard greens and then be unable to resist buying all of the ingredients for that awful vegetarian mustard green bean casserole someone served at last year’s Ward Christmas party. Then, suddenly, you will remember that faith is like a mustard seed and you will purchase a mustard seed necklace for every person in your family.

Later, you will pull off the perfect mustard celebration, except for one problem: No one in your family likes mustard. Everyone will be grateful for your efforts, but seeing all of this left-over food on the table will only remind you of what an imperfect person you are and you will wonder if you will really be able to make it to the Celestial Kingdom after all.

Later that night, you will say your prayers, vow again to do better, then lay on your bed exhausted, amazed at how really hard this life can sometimes be.