HURRY: LAST MINUTE IDEAS FOR TEACHING SUNDAY SCHOOL:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Read the lesson manual carefully, prayerfully consider the contents and teach the class accordingly.
Second: Re-teach a lesson you gave thirty years ago when the Brady Bunch were in.
Third: Read an article from the Ensign and try to “humbly” summarize its message.
Fourth: Invite a visitor to come in and speak, impromptu, about a certain Gospel subject -- usually a good friend, neighbor, spouse or a child -- preferably someone who's Mormon.
Fifth: Do a Google search on "Successful LDS Sunday School Lessons" on the internet and find something that has worked in other Wards.
Sixth: Tell the class that today is discussion day, toss out a topic and pray it doesn’t lead to an apostate subject.
Seventh: Tell a class member that you suddenly feel inspired to have him or her teach your class.
Eighth: Write the missionaries.
Ninth: Play hang man over and over and over again, avoiding, for as long as you can, the raised hand of the person who knows the answer.
Tenth: If all else fails... call in with a sudden emergency.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Thursday, September 15, 2005
'TIS THE SEASON BREAKING NEWS: THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF CANNING
The Do’s and Don’ts of Canning:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Grandma Randy
Do can peaches.
Do not can hot dogs.
Do eat the food you can.
Do not eat the food you can if the food was canned by your great, great grandmother.
Do save the jars to be reused.
Do not save the lids, unless the Relief Society has figured out a way to use them in an inexpensive Christmas wreath.
Do use jars for other things like making dry, stackable soup or cookie ingredients that can be given to neighbors, and never used, for Christmas or for storing nails, tacks and other things in the garage.
Do not use jars as bowling pins.
Do use the jar rings for beautiful Christmas ornaments to adorn your Christmas tree or to cut dough to make doughnuts.
Do not use the jar rings for earrings, no matter how much the Relief Society tells you how they are the most current fad.
Do use the jar lifter to lift jars from cooker.
Do not use the jar lifter as a back scratcher in front of house guests.
Do use the jar cooker to boils jars of fruit.
Do not use the jar cooker to bathe the family pet.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Grandma Randy
Do can peaches.
Do not can hot dogs.
Do eat the food you can.
Do not eat the food you can if the food was canned by your great, great grandmother.
Do save the jars to be reused.
Do not save the lids, unless the Relief Society has figured out a way to use them in an inexpensive Christmas wreath.
Do use jars for other things like making dry, stackable soup or cookie ingredients that can be given to neighbors, and never used, for Christmas or for storing nails, tacks and other things in the garage.
Do not use jars as bowling pins.
Do use the jar rings for beautiful Christmas ornaments to adorn your Christmas tree or to cut dough to make doughnuts.
Do not use the jar rings for earrings, no matter how much the Relief Society tells you how they are the most current fad.
Do use the jar lifter to lift jars from cooker.
Do not use the jar lifter as a back scratcher in front of house guests.
Do use the jar cooker to boils jars of fruit.
Do not use the jar cooker to bathe the family pet.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
BREAKING NEWS IN DA HOOD: PRIMARY SONGS REMIXED
TITLES OF PRIMARY SONGS REMIXED:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
D'em Bling, Bling Corelle’s That Yo Mama Gives You Supper On
I’z Be Crossin’ My Fingers Dat Someday I’z Goes Tryin’ To Gets People To Agree To Be Dunked In D’em Waters
Look at All D'em Kernels Goin' To Town on Dat Piece of Fruit Bearin' Nature
All D’em Shorties In De’m Tied-Under-the-Chin Hoods Dropped De’m Rhymes As D’ey Footed D’ere Way Across D’em Mountains
I Be From Da Man Above
Wha’s Up, Hey Dawg
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
D'em Bling, Bling Corelle’s That Yo Mama Gives You Supper On
I’z Be Crossin’ My Fingers Dat Someday I’z Goes Tryin’ To Gets People To Agree To Be Dunked In D’em Waters
Look at All D'em Kernels Goin' To Town on Dat Piece of Fruit Bearin' Nature
All D’em Shorties In De’m Tied-Under-the-Chin Hoods Dropped De’m Rhymes As D’ey Footed D’ere Way Across D’em Mountains
I Be From Da Man Above
Wha’s Up, Hey Dawg
Monday, September 12, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS IS BACK WITH THREE BRAND NEW, YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, LDS CRAZY THOUGHTS!!!!
HAPPYJELLYBEANS IS BACK!!!!
AND JUST WHERE WAS HJB? HJB WENT ON VACATION!!!
WISH YOU COULD'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!!
BUT, WHILE ON VACATION, HAPPYJELLYBEANS NOTICED/THOUGHT OF/DILLUSIONED THE FOLLOWING:
(Now, don't go gettin' all ADHD on me. I've actually included TWO LDS thoughts for the day, to make up for my neglect: LDS Pronounced vs. English Pronounced Words and Things You'll Only Ever Find at a BYU Football Game)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WHAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING OF THE FOLLOWING LDS-PRONOUNCED WORDS?
(Example sentences used, for your convenience.)
Ki-en: "Hey, leave that ki-en alone. It's having ki-ens."
Shu-up: "No, you shu-up!"
Bu-on: "Oh no, I lost my bu-on."
Moun-ain: "Oh, wow, look at them pretty moun-ains."
Lay-on: "I live in Lay-on."
Mi-ens: "It's cold out. I think I'll put on my mi-ens."
Cur-ains: "Those cur-ains are filthy."
Fla-ened: "Now look. My bread is all fla-aned."
Go-en: "I should have go-en up at 8, but I slept in."
Hi-in’: "Quit hi-in' your sister!"
Ge-in’: "I should be ge-in' home, how 'bout you?"
Le-in’: "I keep le-in' the dog in and now Mom's mad at me."
Nu-in’: "I'm not doin' nu-in'. Why? Wanna do some-hin?
Pu-in’: "I keep pu-in' salt in my cereal instead of sugar."
THINGS YOU'LL ONLY EVER SEE
AT A BYU FOOTBALL GAME:
Fresh, homemade scones
Popcorn
Fans drinking milk
10,000 female fans wearing engagement rings
10,000 men yelling, "Shoot," each time a player fumbles the ball
Fans doing their home/visiting teaching during half-time
21,998 smiling faces
A "wave" that lasts nearly a full quarter
Pinkie CTR rings instead of pinkie football rings
Fully clothed cheerleaders
AND JUST WHERE WAS HJB? HJB WENT ON VACATION!!!
WISH YOU COULD'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!!
BUT, WHILE ON VACATION, HAPPYJELLYBEANS NOTICED/THOUGHT OF/DILLUSIONED THE FOLLOWING:
(Now, don't go gettin' all ADHD on me. I've actually included TWO LDS thoughts for the day, to make up for my neglect: LDS Pronounced vs. English Pronounced Words and Things You'll Only Ever Find at a BYU Football Game)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WHAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING OF THE FOLLOWING LDS-PRONOUNCED WORDS?
(Example sentences used, for your convenience.)
Ki-en: "Hey, leave that ki-en alone. It's having ki-ens."
Shu-up: "No, you shu-up!"
Bu-on: "Oh no, I lost my bu-on."
Moun-ain: "Oh, wow, look at them pretty moun-ains."
Lay-on: "I live in Lay-on."
Mi-ens: "It's cold out. I think I'll put on my mi-ens."
Cur-ains: "Those cur-ains are filthy."
Fla-ened: "Now look. My bread is all fla-aned."
Go-en: "I should have go-en up at 8, but I slept in."
Hi-in’: "Quit hi-in' your sister!"
Ge-in’: "I should be ge-in' home, how 'bout you?"
Le-in’: "I keep le-in' the dog in and now Mom's mad at me."
Nu-in’: "I'm not doin' nu-in'. Why? Wanna do some-hin?
Pu-in’: "I keep pu-in' salt in my cereal instead of sugar."
THINGS YOU'LL ONLY EVER SEE
AT A BYU FOOTBALL GAME:
Fresh, homemade scones
Popcorn
Fans drinking milk
10,000 female fans wearing engagement rings
10,000 men yelling, "Shoot," each time a player fumbles the ball
Fans doing their home/visiting teaching during half-time
21,998 smiling faces
A "wave" that lasts nearly a full quarter
Pinkie CTR rings instead of pinkie football rings
Fully clothed cheerleaders
Friday, August 26, 2005
CRAZY BREAKING NEWS: WACKY LDS FACTS
Wacky LDS Facts:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A LDS hymnbook is exactly the same width as two half-pound Hershey Candy Bars.
While in a deep sleep, a high councilman’s breath can produce enough steam on a compact mirror to nearly produce moisture.
The average Ward chorister raises her arm 1.3 feet in the air to begin conducting a hymn.
Ever since startling an old man to death, Sunday School buzzers have been discouraged.
The same person who designed church classroom doors also designed bank vault doors.
On any given nursery hour, two million different germs circulate throughout the room.
On average, ten pounds of candy are eaten during every Ward Primary.
A relief society sister’s testimony usually is expressed in the same octave range as a dramatic Soprano.
On the first Saturday night of every month, enough food is consumed by LDS people to feed all of China, Japan and part of Russia.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A LDS hymnbook is exactly the same width as two half-pound Hershey Candy Bars.
While in a deep sleep, a high councilman’s breath can produce enough steam on a compact mirror to nearly produce moisture.
The average Ward chorister raises her arm 1.3 feet in the air to begin conducting a hymn.
Ever since startling an old man to death, Sunday School buzzers have been discouraged.
The same person who designed church classroom doors also designed bank vault doors.
On any given nursery hour, two million different germs circulate throughout the room.
On average, ten pounds of candy are eaten during every Ward Primary.
A relief society sister’s testimony usually is expressed in the same octave range as a dramatic Soprano.
On the first Saturday night of every month, enough food is consumed by LDS people to feed all of China, Japan and part of Russia.
Friday, August 19, 2005
UH OH BREAKING NEWS: TEN REASONS WHY LDS WOMEN DO THEIR VISITING TEACHING
Ten Reasons Why LDS Women DO Their Visiting Teaching
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the LDS woman loves knowing that she WILL go directly to Heaven for performing this one kind act each month.
2. Because the LDS woman loves the idea that Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to do something charitable for someone else each month.
3. Because Visiting Teaching satisfies the LDS woman's curiosity about whether or not the sister she is visiting teaching is a good housekeeper.
4. Because the LDS woman loves the feeling she gets from telling her friends that she is, in fact, a 100 percent Visiting Teacher, so she can feel good while all of her dearest friends feel horribly guilty.
5. Because Visiting Teaching is such a great way to say how concerned the LDS woman is about this person and that person in the Ward and is actually able to catch up on the latest Ward gossip.
6. Because the Visiting Teacher loves to bake homemade goodies and Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to give to someone all of these delicious, 3,000 fat grams per serving baked goods.
7. Because if the LDS woman did not Visit Teach, the LDS woman might be tempted to watch soap operas or trashy talk shows and then the LDS woman would fear she would never go to Heaven.
8. Because Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the opportunity to brag about all of her latest accomplishments -- including awards won by herself and her children, etc.
9. Because the LDS woman loves to hear herself give never-ending speeches about simple Gospel subjects and Visiting Teaching gives her the perfect opportunity to do so.
10. Because the LDS woman loves taking two full days out of every month, just to visit two people.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the LDS woman loves knowing that she WILL go directly to Heaven for performing this one kind act each month.
2. Because the LDS woman loves the idea that Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to do something charitable for someone else each month.
3. Because Visiting Teaching satisfies the LDS woman's curiosity about whether or not the sister she is visiting teaching is a good housekeeper.
4. Because the LDS woman loves the feeling she gets from telling her friends that she is, in fact, a 100 percent Visiting Teacher, so she can feel good while all of her dearest friends feel horribly guilty.
5. Because Visiting Teaching is such a great way to say how concerned the LDS woman is about this person and that person in the Ward and is actually able to catch up on the latest Ward gossip.
6. Because the Visiting Teacher loves to bake homemade goodies and Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to give to someone all of these delicious, 3,000 fat grams per serving baked goods.
7. Because if the LDS woman did not Visit Teach, the LDS woman might be tempted to watch soap operas or trashy talk shows and then the LDS woman would fear she would never go to Heaven.
8. Because Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the opportunity to brag about all of her latest accomplishments -- including awards won by herself and her children, etc.
9. Because the LDS woman loves to hear herself give never-ending speeches about simple Gospel subjects and Visiting Teaching gives her the perfect opportunity to do so.
10. Because the LDS woman loves taking two full days out of every month, just to visit two people.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
TRUE CONFESSIONS BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY LDS MEN DON'T DO THEIR HOMETEACHING
TRUE CONFESSIONS: Top Ten Reasons Why LDS Men Don't Do Their Hometeaching
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the families never answer their door when LDS man stops by on the last day of each month at 11 p.m.
2. Because the LDS man does not know any of the names of the LDS families the LDS man is supposed to hometeach.
3. Because LDS man feels he must stay home with his family, just in case the Second Coming suddenly arrives.
4. Because the LDS man actually does do his hometeaching...as he passes his hometeaching families in the hallways at Church.
5. Because the LDS man has done so many other things right in his life that the LDS man is afraid if he does do his hometeaching he will be translated and his family needs him too much.
6. Because the LDS man is afraid of what might happen if while doing his hometaching, the LDS man accidentally became injured and he needed to sue the LDS hometeaching family, so, out of compassion for the LDS family, LDS man is not going to take any risks.
7. Because once, when he was hometeaching with his father as a young boy, the LDS man had a traumatic experience with a vicious dog, and so, for mentally medicinal reasons, therapists have advised him never to do his hometeaching.
8. Because the LDS man refuses to have HIS Ward be one of THOSE WARDS Wards that brags about having 100% hometeaching.
9. Because the LDS man tries to do his hometeaching, but everytime he gets in his car, Satan tempts him and he goes to the gym instead.
10. Because the LDS man's hometeachers never come over to hometeach him.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the families never answer their door when LDS man stops by on the last day of each month at 11 p.m.
2. Because the LDS man does not know any of the names of the LDS families the LDS man is supposed to hometeach.
3. Because LDS man feels he must stay home with his family, just in case the Second Coming suddenly arrives.
4. Because the LDS man actually does do his hometeaching...as he passes his hometeaching families in the hallways at Church.
5. Because the LDS man has done so many other things right in his life that the LDS man is afraid if he does do his hometeaching he will be translated and his family needs him too much.
6. Because the LDS man is afraid of what might happen if while doing his hometaching, the LDS man accidentally became injured and he needed to sue the LDS hometeaching family, so, out of compassion for the LDS family, LDS man is not going to take any risks.
7. Because once, when he was hometeaching with his father as a young boy, the LDS man had a traumatic experience with a vicious dog, and so, for mentally medicinal reasons, therapists have advised him never to do his hometeaching.
8. Because the LDS man refuses to have HIS Ward be one of THOSE WARDS Wards that brags about having 100% hometeaching.
9. Because the LDS man tries to do his hometeaching, but everytime he gets in his car, Satan tempts him and he goes to the gym instead.
10. Because the LDS man's hometeachers never come over to hometeach him.
Monday, August 15, 2005
FUNATTER-DAY SAINTS BREAKING NEWS: MORE MIPPETS
More Mippets !!!
(by Bettyanne Bruin, from an original idea by greedykristian. Used with permission.)
Mippet: Noun. Definition: Mormon snippet. Example: Members of the LDS church are very unique and famous for all of the many mippets they possess.
Thank you, Abrasivist, for your e-mailed comment about Mippets. E-mailed comments are one of the things I enjoy most about happyjellybeans.
From Abrasivist:
Lamment: Noun. Definition: mixing lame with comment.
happyjellybeans example: "Many times in Sunday School class, there is a lot of lammenting going on."
Funatter-day Saint: Adverb. Definition: A Mormon who likes to have a lot of fun. "I just love what a funatter-day Saint Martha is."
Shayer: Noun. Definition: Short prayer: "I'm so tired tonight that I think I'll just say a shayer." Or, "Geez, can't you remember it's Fast Sunday? I'm starving, so just hurry up and say a shayer!"
Badair. Noun. Definition: Bad hair. Example: "Sometimes people in some Wards really suffer from some pretty aweful badair (i.e. toupes that don't match, Marge Simpson hairstyles)."
Rushtoseconds. Noun. Definition: Storming the buffet table at a Ward dinner. Example: "Last time our Ward had a Ward dinner, it was embarassing how many people would rushtoseconds. I don't know if I'll ever bring my non-member neighbor again."
(by Bettyanne Bruin, from an original idea by greedykristian. Used with permission.)
Mippet: Noun. Definition: Mormon snippet. Example: Members of the LDS church are very unique and famous for all of the many mippets they possess.
Thank you, Abrasivist, for your e-mailed comment about Mippets. E-mailed comments are one of the things I enjoy most about happyjellybeans.
From Abrasivist:
Lamment: Noun. Definition: mixing lame with comment.
happyjellybeans example: "Many times in Sunday School class, there is a lot of lammenting going on."
Funatter-day Saint: Adverb. Definition: A Mormon who likes to have a lot of fun. "I just love what a funatter-day Saint Martha is."
Shayer: Noun. Definition: Short prayer: "I'm so tired tonight that I think I'll just say a shayer." Or, "Geez, can't you remember it's Fast Sunday? I'm starving, so just hurry up and say a shayer!"
Badair. Noun. Definition: Bad hair. Example: "Sometimes people in some Wards really suffer from some pretty aweful badair (i.e. toupes that don't match, Marge Simpson hairstyles)."
Rushtoseconds. Noun. Definition: Storming the buffet table at a Ward dinner. Example: "Last time our Ward had a Ward dinner, it was embarassing how many people would rushtoseconds. I don't know if I'll ever bring my non-member neighbor again."
Friday, August 12, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: COMPOUND MORMON WORDS
COMPOUND MORMON WORDS: MIPPETS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Compound word: A compound word is made when two words are joined to form a new word
The first three are contributions from a well-known author, greedykristian:
Spord: VerbCompounded words: Super bored, Example: "All this talk of pioneers is making me spord".
Juckle: VerbCompounded words: Jovial ChuckleExample: "When Brother Matthews slept so soundly on the back row of the chapel that he fell asleep, I had to juckle."
Sly laughter: VerbCompounded words: Sly Laughter, Example: "When Sister Crazy sings in church, Randy and I crouch down in our pew and slaughter."
happyjellbeans offering:
Sobimony: A testimony filled with sobbing tears.
...more soon...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Compound word: A compound word is made when two words are joined to form a new word
The first three are contributions from a well-known author, greedykristian:
Spord: VerbCompounded words: Super bored, Example: "All this talk of pioneers is making me spord".
Juckle: VerbCompounded words: Jovial ChuckleExample: "When Brother Matthews slept so soundly on the back row of the chapel that he fell asleep, I had to juckle."
Sly laughter: VerbCompounded words: Sly Laughter, Example: "When Sister Crazy sings in church, Randy and I crouch down in our pew and slaughter."
happyjellbeans offering:
Sobimony: A testimony filled with sobbing tears.
...more soon...
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
CHOOSE THE RIGHT BREAKING NEWS: WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS SAY/WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS THINK!!!
WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS SAY/WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS THINK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"Reverence really does begin with me and you." (But if you don’t get quiet soon, massive verbal abuse and maybe even some violence is going to begin to erupt here. You'll be seeing some of my own signs of the times.)
"Treats are wonderful. Isn't it wonderful that everyone loves treats and they can serve such a useful purpose." (Yeah, right. Whoever invented treats oughta be shot. No one ever remembers to buy them until after they’ve jumped into bed on Saturday night. And, the only thing the kids expect in the class is not a lesson or love, but oh boy, we’d better have those treats ready or else!)
"Saturday is such a special day." (‘Cause I’m not in church teaching Primary.)
"We’re gonna have such a great time teaching Sharing Time." (After my Xanax kicks in.)
"When we’re happy, we’re helping." (You've got to be kidding? Whoever wrote THIS song oughta be shot. I can’t ever get anyone to help me, let alone be happy about it.)
"Choose the right." (Ha! Sometimes it feels like Chance To get Revenge).
"The lesson objective for today is..." (Objective? The only real objective here is to make sure to get out of here with my life and my sanity.)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"Reverence really does begin with me and you." (But if you don’t get quiet soon, massive verbal abuse and maybe even some violence is going to begin to erupt here. You'll be seeing some of my own signs of the times.)
"Treats are wonderful. Isn't it wonderful that everyone loves treats and they can serve such a useful purpose." (Yeah, right. Whoever invented treats oughta be shot. No one ever remembers to buy them until after they’ve jumped into bed on Saturday night. And, the only thing the kids expect in the class is not a lesson or love, but oh boy, we’d better have those treats ready or else!)
"Saturday is such a special day." (‘Cause I’m not in church teaching Primary.)
"We’re gonna have such a great time teaching Sharing Time." (After my Xanax kicks in.)
"When we’re happy, we’re helping." (You've got to be kidding? Whoever wrote THIS song oughta be shot. I can’t ever get anyone to help me, let alone be happy about it.)
"Choose the right." (Ha! Sometimes it feels like Chance To get Revenge).
"The lesson objective for today is..." (Objective? The only real objective here is to make sure to get out of here with my life and my sanity.)
Friday, July 29, 2005
K, so, the mind behind happyjellybeans turned, in rap language, fiddy this week. The mind behind happyjellybeans hates that when that happens. Another decade gone by. Whew. That one was quick. Oh well...
BREAKING NEWS: Thank you, to whomever felt comfortable and confident enough to contribute their input to happyjellybeans. You done good. The posting? "If your own child is finally old enough to attend nursery allowing you a peaceful Sunday school lesson - you're new calling will obviously be nursery worker." Awesome. I love it. This is in reference to the posting: LDS NURSERY LAWS.
Please feel free to add your fiddy cents. Everyone is welcome to contribute to this site. We all have something to say, we just don't know where to say it. Well, to borrow a famous quote, "This is the place." Join us, as often as you'd like, and say whatever you feel. Your thoughts and ideas WILL be posted!!! Cool.
Okay, so, in honor of my fiddieth year on Earth, the blog for today goes as follows...
LDS Rap Songs Anyone Can Sing
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Scout Gangstas Gonna Earn Der Eagle? by Boyz N Da Trupe
Ruff Ryders Uv Family Hizteries by Jurnelz, Penz ‘n Paperz
Headin’ St8t For Da Heavenz by The Zelestial Boyz
Trippin' Over Da Toddlerz by The Nursery Chix
Smile In Your Sleep, Mr. H.P. by C-pap Machines Rule
I Be Good I Promise by Never in Primary You Won't
Outa Darkness Be Not For Me by Wanna B. Goodie
Da World Has Need of Willing De Mans (A remix) by M&Ms
BREAKING NEWS: Thank you, to whomever felt comfortable and confident enough to contribute their input to happyjellybeans. You done good. The posting? "If your own child is finally old enough to attend nursery allowing you a peaceful Sunday school lesson - you're new calling will obviously be nursery worker." Awesome. I love it. This is in reference to the posting: LDS NURSERY LAWS.
Please feel free to add your fiddy cents. Everyone is welcome to contribute to this site. We all have something to say, we just don't know where to say it. Well, to borrow a famous quote, "This is the place." Join us, as often as you'd like, and say whatever you feel. Your thoughts and ideas WILL be posted!!! Cool.
Okay, so, in honor of my fiddieth year on Earth, the blog for today goes as follows...
LDS Rap Songs Anyone Can Sing
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Scout Gangstas Gonna Earn Der Eagle? by Boyz N Da Trupe
Ruff Ryders Uv Family Hizteries by Jurnelz, Penz ‘n Paperz
Headin’ St8t For Da Heavenz by The Zelestial Boyz
Trippin' Over Da Toddlerz by The Nursery Chix
Smile In Your Sleep, Mr. H.P. by C-pap Machines Rule
I Be Good I Promise by Never in Primary You Won't
Outa Darkness Be Not For Me by Wanna B. Goodie
Da World Has Need of Willing De Mans (A remix) by M&Ms
Friday, July 22, 2005
YEE-HA BREAKING NEWS: PIONEER GREETING CARDS!!!
Yee-ha! Pioneer greeting cards, just in time for the 24th!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Count Your Blessings:
May your hive always be filled with honey.
May your whore hound candy dish always be o’erflowing.
May your cabin not be completely overwhelmed with dirt.
May the seagulls continue to get rid of all those crickets.
Be grateful…things could be worse…
We could be cavemen!
From the first time I saw in your full-length gown and bonnet,
I’ve dreamed of shaking your hand.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
Congratulations on arriving in the valley.
You did a great job crossing the plains.
All that work and sweat and tears,
And pulling that handcart too.
Happy, 8th birthday, son!!!
Happy Halloween.
Isn’t it nice knowing
That someday,
A whole generation of people
Will dress up like you
And go door to door,
Making people laugh at how funny they look
And give them candy as a thank you
For a moment of sheer entertainment.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
It’s nice that after all those mornings with nothing but mush in the cabin,
and all of those daily potato cake suppers,
That at least one day a year
We get to eat a seven-course meal.
Christmas is one gift under the tree.
Christmas is stockings made of Dad's old socks, hanging from the hearth.
Christmas is a tender roast from the cow we just killed.
Christmas is snuggling together to keep from freezing to death.
Christmas is taking that once-a-month bath.
Ah, Christmas…the best time of year.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Count Your Blessings:
May your hive always be filled with honey.
May your whore hound candy dish always be o’erflowing.
May your cabin not be completely overwhelmed with dirt.
May the seagulls continue to get rid of all those crickets.
Be grateful…things could be worse…
We could be cavemen!
Happy New Year!!!
Knowing that in this wonderful time period in which we live,
That there are barely forty years to a person’s life,
Enjoy each New Year to the fullest
‘Cause there aren’t very many of them to come around.
From the first time I saw in your full-length gown and bonnet,
I’ve dreamed of shaking your hand.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
Congratulations on arriving in the valley.
You did a great job crossing the plains.
All that work and sweat and tears,
And pulling that handcart too.
Happy, 8th birthday, son!!!
Happy Halloween.
Isn’t it nice knowing
That someday,
A whole generation of people
Will dress up like you
And go door to door,
Making people laugh at how funny they look
And give them candy as a thank you
For a moment of sheer entertainment.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
It’s nice that after all those mornings with nothing but mush in the cabin,
and all of those daily potato cake suppers,
That at least one day a year
We get to eat a seven-course meal.
Christmas is one gift under the tree.
Christmas is stockings made of Dad's old socks, hanging from the hearth.
Christmas is a tender roast from the cow we just killed.
Christmas is snuggling together to keep from freezing to death.
Christmas is taking that once-a-month bath.
Ah, Christmas…the best time of year.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
COMMERCIALLY FANTASTIC BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS!!!
FINALLY: THE HALL OF FAME OF THE MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS:
Have it your frickin’ way.
A little dab of genealogy’ll do ya.
It’s scrapbooking time!
Reach out and home teach someone.
Can you hear me snore now?
The chorister is ready when you are.
Let your missionaries do the teaching.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a Relief Society is.
When you care enough to teach the very best.
Got genealogy?
A little dab of genealogy’ll do ya.
It’s scrapbooking time!
Reach out and home teach someone.
Can you hear me snore now?
The chorister is ready when you are.
Let your missionaries do the teaching.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a Relief Society is.
When you care enough to teach the very best.
Got genealogy?
Monday, July 18, 2005
AIRHEAD BREAKING NEWS: LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES
LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES
(By Bettyanne also the Blonde Bruin)
A blonde was sitting next to a brunette at church singing, We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.
When they got to the fifth before the last stanza of the last verse, the one blonde leaned over to the brunette and said, “That chorister doesn’t look pregnant to me.”
The brunette said, 'And we know that deliverance is nigh,’ isn’t talking about pregnancy, it’s talking about being delivered from evil!”
After church, the blonde goes to choir practice. At the end of practice, the blonde asks a fellow choir member for a ride home. When they arrive at the blonde’s residence, the blonde’s car is not in the driveway. The blonde exclaims, “My car!” to which the woman driving her home says, “Where’s your car? Has it been stolen?” “No,” the blonde replies. “I just remembered: I drove to choir practice today.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and the daughters of Ishmael?
The daughters of Ishmael had to walk everywhere they went.
A daughter of Ishmael walks around Zarahemla, carrying a pig under one arm.
A man, passing by, says, “Where’d you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her at a town raffle.”
Why couldn’t the dumb blonde watch Abinadi burn in the fire?
‘Cause she was afraid the bright lights might hurt her eyes.
What did the dumb blonde say to Nephi when his brothers had bound and gagged him?
That sure looks like strong rope.
What did the dumb blonde say when she saw Samuel standing on the city wall?
I never knew there was a wall there.
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to walk to Zarahemla?
She saw a sign saying: "Zarahelma Left" so she went home.
What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and when Alma the Younger was struck dumb?
Alma the Younger was laying down.
(By Bettyanne also the Blonde Bruin)
A blonde was sitting next to a brunette at church singing, We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.
When they got to the fifth before the last stanza of the last verse, the one blonde leaned over to the brunette and said, “That chorister doesn’t look pregnant to me.”
The brunette said, 'And we know that deliverance is nigh,’ isn’t talking about pregnancy, it’s talking about being delivered from evil!”
After church, the blonde goes to choir practice. At the end of practice, the blonde asks a fellow choir member for a ride home. When they arrive at the blonde’s residence, the blonde’s car is not in the driveway. The blonde exclaims, “My car!” to which the woman driving her home says, “Where’s your car? Has it been stolen?” “No,” the blonde replies. “I just remembered: I drove to choir practice today.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and the daughters of Ishmael?
The daughters of Ishmael had to walk everywhere they went.
A daughter of Ishmael walks around Zarahemla, carrying a pig under one arm.
A man, passing by, says, “Where’d you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her at a town raffle.”
Why couldn’t the dumb blonde watch Abinadi burn in the fire?
‘Cause she was afraid the bright lights might hurt her eyes.
What did the dumb blonde say to Nephi when his brothers had bound and gagged him?
That sure looks like strong rope.
What did the dumb blonde say when she saw Samuel standing on the city wall?
I never knew there was a wall there.
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to walk to Zarahemla?
She saw a sign saying: "Zarahelma Left" so she went home.
What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and when Alma the Younger was struck dumb?
Alma the Younger was laying down.
Friday, July 15, 2005
ANCIENT BREAKING NEWS: NAGGING WORDS FROM THE MOTHERS OF PEOPLE FROM THE BOOK OF MORMON
Nagging Words
From the Mothers
of People From the Book of Mormon
(Can you guess who each one is?)
(By Bettyane Bruin)
“I told you not to set down that bow! Every time you do, you forget where you put it, you step on it and then break it!”
“If you don’t start keeping better track of your things, some day you’re gonna lose your own head!”
“Why can’t you have a better sense of direction? Ever since I’ve know you, you’re always getting lost!”
“You buried what? Where?”
“If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fire!”
“You can talk and you can hear, so sit up.”
“You traveled in the sea by the way of what? And you could see by the light of five what?”
“You’re going to follow a group of men to the desert and marry them? Are you crazy?”
“Quit waving that flag so hard. You’re gonna hit somebody!”
“It’s nice you prayed all night, but where’s the beast you promised you’d bring home?”
“You and your secrets. Some day they're all going to combine up against you!”
From the Mothers
of People From the Book of Mormon
(Can you guess who each one is?)
(By Bettyane Bruin)
“I told you not to set down that bow! Every time you do, you forget where you put it, you step on it and then break it!”
“If you don’t start keeping better track of your things, some day you’re gonna lose your own head!”
“Why can’t you have a better sense of direction? Ever since I’ve know you, you’re always getting lost!”
“You buried what? Where?”
“If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fire!”
“You can talk and you can hear, so sit up.”
“You traveled in the sea by the way of what? And you could see by the light of five what?”
“You’re going to follow a group of men to the desert and marry them? Are you crazy?”
“Quit waving that flag so hard. You’re gonna hit somebody!”
“It’s nice you prayed all night, but where’s the beast you promised you’d bring home?”
“You and your secrets. Some day they're all going to combine up against you!”
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
PRIMARY BREAKING NEWS: WHY HEAVEN LIKES PRIMARY CHILDREN THE BEST
Why Heaven Likes Primary Children the Best:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
STARVING BREAKING NEWS: The Official LDS Fast Sunday Diet
The Official LDS Fast Sunday Diet
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
6 a.m.: No food.
7 a.m.: No food at all.
8 a.m.: Even more no food.
9 a.m.: No food still.
10 a.m.: NO food.
11 a.m.: NO FOOD!
12 p.m.: Still absolutely no food enters mouth.
1 p.m.: No intake of food between lips remains at an all-time high.
2 p.m.: Brain still registering that zero amount of food intake is still occurring.
3 p.m.: Absolutely nothing enters the mouth, still, food wise.
4 p.m.: NO, NO, NO, NO FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!
5 p.m: Where the h&#! is the d@*! food?
5:57 p.m.: Convinced dehydration is compromising system, upon entering house after church, a small amount of water is consumed.
5:58: Two Oreo cookies, sitting on the counter, are inadvertently placed in mouth.
5:59 p.m.: A handful of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, otherwise despised on any other day, is now rapidly consumed.
6:00 p.m.: To the Amen, the first bite of roast, dipped in gravy is eaten.
From 6:01 to 7 p.m.:
One pound of roast dipped in three cups of gravy.
One baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Another baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Four homemade rolls.
Six heaping spoonfuls of Jell-O Salad mixed with Cool Whip and fruit.
Ten glasses of iced Soda.
Cooked carrots and butter bowl licked clean.
8 p.m.: Leftovers from yesterday’s dinner consumed.
9 p.m.: Bowl of cereal missed during morning fast now consumed.
10 p.m.: Eleven brownies, last three brownies in a bowl with ice cream and hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream and cherry.
11 p.m.: Two tablespoons Pepto Bismal
2 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal
5 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal.
"After trying everything to put on weight, I finally tried this diet for twele months (and I'm not even Mormon).I put on nearly forty-five pounds, which was good, 'cause the doctor said if I didn't put on any weight, something bad might happen to me. Thanks, LDS Official Fast Sunday diet!" a satsified person in Utah.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
6 a.m.: No food.
7 a.m.: No food at all.
8 a.m.: Even more no food.
9 a.m.: No food still.
10 a.m.: NO food.
11 a.m.: NO FOOD!
12 p.m.: Still absolutely no food enters mouth.
1 p.m.: No intake of food between lips remains at an all-time high.
2 p.m.: Brain still registering that zero amount of food intake is still occurring.
3 p.m.: Absolutely nothing enters the mouth, still, food wise.
4 p.m.: NO, NO, NO, NO FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!
5 p.m: Where the h&#! is the d@*! food?
5:57 p.m.: Convinced dehydration is compromising system, upon entering house after church, a small amount of water is consumed.
5:58: Two Oreo cookies, sitting on the counter, are inadvertently placed in mouth.
5:59 p.m.: A handful of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, otherwise despised on any other day, is now rapidly consumed.
6:00 p.m.: To the Amen, the first bite of roast, dipped in gravy is eaten.
From 6:01 to 7 p.m.:
One pound of roast dipped in three cups of gravy.
One baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Another baked potato drenched in butter and sour cream.
Four homemade rolls.
Six heaping spoonfuls of Jell-O Salad mixed with Cool Whip and fruit.
Ten glasses of iced Soda.
Cooked carrots and butter bowl licked clean.
8 p.m.: Leftovers from yesterday’s dinner consumed.
9 p.m.: Bowl of cereal missed during morning fast now consumed.
10 p.m.: Eleven brownies, last three brownies in a bowl with ice cream and hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream and cherry.
11 p.m.: Two tablespoons Pepto Bismal
2 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal
5 a.m.: Two more tablespoons Pepto Bismal.
"After trying everything to put on weight, I finally tried this diet for twele months (and I'm not even Mormon).I put on nearly forty-five pounds, which was good, 'cause the doctor said if I didn't put on any weight, something bad might happen to me. Thanks, LDS Official Fast Sunday diet!" a satsified person in Utah.
Monday, July 11, 2005
FAMILIAL BREAKING NEWS: INGREDIENTS FOR A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY HOME EVENING
Ingredients for a Successful Family Home Evening:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: 1 to 100 family members, each carrying some type of challenge that keeps them one fight short of a complete nervous breakdown.
Second: 1 homemade treat, preferably homemade ice cream, S’mores, Rice Krispie treats, brownies or that 9X13 cake with holes punched in it dripping with caramel and Cool Whip on top.
Third: 1 clock, totally in bird’s eye of Father, so he hawk-eye it enough to know when the second arrives to announce that the prearranged time of twenty minutes has arrived and FHE is over or else.
Fourth: 1 newspaper nearby for father to eye over and/or sneak onto lap.
Fifth: 1 time-out chair, empty and ready to go, so Father can stand and point while ordering disobedient child go there or else.
Instructions:
1. Yell for family to gather.
2. Threaten to ground those family members who take too long to gather, including 90 year-old Grandpa who now lives with the family.
3. Have an opening prayer.
4. Ask if there is any family business.
5. At 10 p.m., after the last fight has finally ended, have a closing prayer,
or, if there is no family business:
play hangman to introduce lesson theme, attempt to give as much of the lesson as possible before the huge, out of control, FHE-ending fight breaks out.
6. Have a closing prayer.
7. Servethe treat.
8. Make assignments for next Monday’s FHE.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: 1 to 100 family members, each carrying some type of challenge that keeps them one fight short of a complete nervous breakdown.
Second: 1 homemade treat, preferably homemade ice cream, S’mores, Rice Krispie treats, brownies or that 9X13 cake with holes punched in it dripping with caramel and Cool Whip on top.
Third: 1 clock, totally in bird’s eye of Father, so he hawk-eye it enough to know when the second arrives to announce that the prearranged time of twenty minutes has arrived and FHE is over or else.
Fourth: 1 newspaper nearby for father to eye over and/or sneak onto lap.
Fifth: 1 time-out chair, empty and ready to go, so Father can stand and point while ordering disobedient child go there or else.
Instructions:
1. Yell for family to gather.
2. Threaten to ground those family members who take too long to gather, including 90 year-old Grandpa who now lives with the family.
3. Have an opening prayer.
4. Ask if there is any family business.
5. At 10 p.m., after the last fight has finally ended, have a closing prayer,
or, if there is no family business:
play hangman to introduce lesson theme, attempt to give as much of the lesson as possible before the huge, out of control, FHE-ending fight breaks out.
6. Have a closing prayer.
7. Servethe treat.
8. Make assignments for next Monday’s FHE.
Friday, July 08, 2005
ENDLESS BREAKING NEWS: OCD GENEALOGIST'S PHONE MESSAGES
PHONE MESSAGES FROM AN AVID GENEALOGIST:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Our teenager, Jon, is still dead to the world, but if your message will help bring him back to life, please hurry and press one.
If you’re searching for Susie, your research has just come to a satisfying end. Please smile and press two.
If you are a descendant of Adam and Eve, please leave your name, number and a brief message. If you are not a descendant of Adam and Eve, you’ve got bigger problems than us not being home.
The hearts of the children have truly been turned towards their fathers as well as the rest of mankind. Please leave your name, number and a brief message and we’ll return your call shortly, so you, in turn, can call us and we, in turn, can call you back.
This is the Ray Johnson family. Please leave your given name, your surname, the proper date and the exact time of your call and we will get back to you shortly.
Our records continue to indicate that this is the William Waccholz family located in the city of South Pasadena, in the state of California, in the county of Los Angeles. Please record your message, so we can check the recording and get back to you as soon as is humanly possible.
The acorn doesn’t fall far from the family tree, and neither do we, so please do not trunkate or branch out your message too far. Just leaf something brief and we’ll get to the root of your call and give you a bark shortly.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Our teenager, Jon, is still dead to the world, but if your message will help bring him back to life, please hurry and press one.
If you’re searching for Susie, your research has just come to a satisfying end. Please smile and press two.
If you are a descendant of Adam and Eve, please leave your name, number and a brief message. If you are not a descendant of Adam and Eve, you’ve got bigger problems than us not being home.
The hearts of the children have truly been turned towards their fathers as well as the rest of mankind. Please leave your name, number and a brief message and we’ll return your call shortly, so you, in turn, can call us and we, in turn, can call you back.
This is the Ray Johnson family. Please leave your given name, your surname, the proper date and the exact time of your call and we will get back to you shortly.
Our records continue to indicate that this is the William Waccholz family located in the city of South Pasadena, in the state of California, in the county of Los Angeles. Please record your message, so we can check the recording and get back to you as soon as is humanly possible.
The acorn doesn’t fall far from the family tree, and neither do we, so please do not trunkate or branch out your message too far. Just leaf something brief and we’ll get to the root of your call and give you a bark shortly.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Advice on How to be a Successful Primary Teacher From a Newly Released Primary Teacher:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Up the credit limit on your Costco card for the ten pound candy treat purchases you will have to make each week, or else.
Second: Hire a good, qualified anger management counselor, one who specializes in ADHD.
Third: Make sure to make friends with at least a few say-yes-to-anything type people in the Ward for those times when you have no choice but to find a substitute.
Fourth: Be willing and ready to change your home phone number at any and/or every moment’s notice.
Fifth: Be willing and able to stay awake through Sacrament meeting in order to prepare your lesson.
Sixth: Work on your self-esteem so it is so intact that you will not feel the slightest bit rediculous sitting up in the choir seats at the front of the chapel surrounded by eighty-plus children, feeling totally oversized and humliated, during the Children’s Sacrament Meeting program.
Seventh: Make sure to have countless impromptu lessons ready for teaching as many as up to 80 children, ranging in age from 3 to 12, for those times when any or all of the other teachers pull a no-show.
Eighth: Practice smiling in front of the mirror until that smile can remain on your face no matter what the circumstance.
Ninth: Bookmark the word, "reverence," in your dictionary so you can look it up often to remind yourself of what the word really means.
Tenth: Work hard to keep your testimony killer-strong for those days when the second and third church-time hours of persecution really get rough.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Up the credit limit on your Costco card for the ten pound candy treat purchases you will have to make each week, or else.
Second: Hire a good, qualified anger management counselor, one who specializes in ADHD.
Third: Make sure to make friends with at least a few say-yes-to-anything type people in the Ward for those times when you have no choice but to find a substitute.
Fourth: Be willing and ready to change your home phone number at any and/or every moment’s notice.
Fifth: Be willing and able to stay awake through Sacrament meeting in order to prepare your lesson.
Sixth: Work on your self-esteem so it is so intact that you will not feel the slightest bit rediculous sitting up in the choir seats at the front of the chapel surrounded by eighty-plus children, feeling totally oversized and humliated, during the Children’s Sacrament Meeting program.
Seventh: Make sure to have countless impromptu lessons ready for teaching as many as up to 80 children, ranging in age from 3 to 12, for those times when any or all of the other teachers pull a no-show.
Eighth: Practice smiling in front of the mirror until that smile can remain on your face no matter what the circumstance.
Ninth: Bookmark the word, "reverence," in your dictionary so you can look it up often to remind yourself of what the word really means.
Tenth: Work hard to keep your testimony killer-strong for those days when the second and third church-time hours of persecution really get rough.
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