Best Emergency Preparedness Expert Ever!

      We were in this ward, once, with THE BEST Emergency Preparedness Expert ever! Seriously, I do want to give this guy credit for all of his time and effort. He will be blessed for this I'm sure:

       First of all, this guy was a commercial pilot and I hate to fly and he didn't help the matter much because--as nice as this guy was, really--he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS AND ONLY wore Levi bib overalls, when he wasn't flying commercial airlines AND he cried over EVERYTHING. See what I mean? Pilots are people too, which means they could be more emotionally unstable than me! SSSSCCCCAAAARRRRYYYY!

      So, this guy is the emergency prep guy and he does stuff like, cry while he's telling us the best bargains for the month at the cannery and he really cried hard when the bird flu came out and he showed us how to put on our masks, and this wasn't a paper mask purchased at Walmart, this was a full-on chemical warfare mask.

       Then, he got this idea of possibly saving all of mankind--particularly those of the LDS faith and, even more particularly, those of our ward, while in an emergency situation, and, like I said, bless this guy for being willing to carry out a full-on emergency preparedness event.

       The event included setting up "Generals," or whatever he called them, from the Elder's Quorum and High Priests, who would adorn neon yellow vests so they could stand out while commanding their troops on the day of event. And to make the event more authentic, signs were made--red meant blood/someone was hurt, yellow was attention needed and black was death and green was good to go/come on in for some ice cream--these were to be posted on the door of each participating house (which meant our neighbors must have been wondering what the heck was going on) to show what type of emergency attention was needed. And then, to make the event even more authentic, he called the local authorities to let them know our neighborhood would be running this exercise, so we would basically have the full support of the United States Government. And then, to make the event even more authentic, he was going to cordon off the parking lot of the church with caution tape where all of the "survivors" were going to sleep there for the night in the parking lot. And, to make it even more authentic: WE WERE ALL GOING TO RECEIVE A GRADE ON OUR PERFORMANCE, either an A, B, C, D or F, just like school all over again! I did get some good grades in high school...except for sewing. I just couldn't do it. My brain wouldn't go there. Once, when my daughter was in seventh grade, she came home and asked, "Mom, will you teach me to sew?" and I immediately stopped her in her tracks, looked at her and declared, "Never EVER swear like that in this house again." I truly believe Satan invented the sewing machine.

      So, like the millionaires on Shark Tank, upon hearing about our Emergency Preparedness Event immediately, I'm like, "I'm out!" No way was I going to go through all of this rig-a-ma-roll and spend the night on the asphalt of the church parking lot because our Fridays were emotionally sacred to us. We worked so hard during the week only so we could play harder on the weekends. Yeah, on this one, I'll take the death sentence.

      But, I got the feeling, by listening each Sunday as all of these plans were laid out, that we were the only ones who felt this way, so Kent and I kept our thoughts to ourselves. Yes, I had roped Kent in to my way of thinking, wbich wasn't hard at all. Just include a stop at Golden Corral and Kent  was good to go. 

      Our door sign was delivered. We were red for blood in the home and Kent let it be known that he probably wasn't going to be available that night so he would not need the vest they dropped by, much to the chagrin and concern of his fellow brethren. We did feel a bit guilty, if that helps. This event was just too overwhelming for us, like being elected to prepare the world's largest pan of Funeral Potatoes or finding your ancestors all the way back to Adam during a 24-hour marathon; some things we just couldn't wrap our bean brains around. 

      So Friday comes along AND we couldn't even believe it, but we both forgot all about this Last Day on Earth Event. Satan had erased it from our minds.

      So, I go to work. Kent goes to work. We talk casually, on the phone, throughout the day, not knowing what we want to do, for sure, that night, but we want to do something. So, later that day, because my car was in the shop, Kent picks me up from work and casually we drive home, so excited it's Friday! Wahooie! THIF! Thank Heaven It's Friday!

      We get off the freeway, weave through some side streets and find ourselves merrily cruising along our street, "laughing all the way."

       Out church is also located on our street, so while cruising along, suddenly we see our church and notice all these people gathered in the church parking lot, behind some yellow caution tape!

       "Oh, wow. That's weird. I wonder what's going on over there?" I said.

       Then, all of a sudden, Kent says, "It's that emergency preparedness event!"

       I'm like, "Holy Yikes!" and duck, after noticing the leader in his overalls, yellow vest and HARD HAT!

       Kent races past them. "I don't think they saw us," he said like an escaped parolee.

       I sat up. "Whew. That was close."

       We see all the houses around us, each one with a red, yellow, black or green sign on their door and the whole neighborhood is abandoned. 

       "Wow, great night for a robbery," I joked.

       We sneak into the house, like we're the ones their after, totally afraid they're going to find us and force us to sleep on the asphalt. Quickly, we changed our clothes and got out of there the backway before anyone saw us.

        That Sunday, the bishopric member thanked everyone for participating in the Emergency Preparedness Event and I worried that a tag might be added, "And good luck to all those who chose to ignore it."

        Then, a couple of days later, we weren't surprised when our "F" letter arrived.

        We will repent someday, and we are selfish in knowing that if a disaster really did happen, this fabulous ward really would have saved us in spite of the fact that we ditched them.

        Even though the friendly pilot in overalls was a close neighbor who talked to us quite often and even offered to get us a discount on our chemical warfare masks, after this event, he rarely ever spoke to us again.

Yikes on One Eternal Family Perspective

  

  So, I'm the Primary teacher to a class of 11-year-olds, this one particular year... eleven 11-year-olds. It was okay. We had a great year after my therapist put it all into proper perspective for me.      
     However, one time, we were all sitting in opening exercises and this one kid, I'll say he was 5-years-old, stood at the pulpit to give his talk. His dutiful father stood next to him, holding a set of pictures. This is how it went:
     Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Then, kid stretches up to reach the microphone and says/yells: "My talk today is on eternal families."
     Dad hands kid a picture, kid runs over to the portable cork board and thumbtacks a picture of kid's family--mom, dad, kid and his baby brother. Kid runs back to microphone.
     Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Kid says: "My parents were married in the temple."
     Dad gives kid picture, kid runs over and puts up a picture of Salt Lake Temple.
     Running back to the microphone, Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Kid says: "My parents gave birth to me."
     Kid runs over, really excited, and puts up picture of himself.

     What a great talk; cute dad, cute cute kid! Possibly, if someone had a camera, this could go viral.

     Kid goes back to microphone. Dad whispers in kid's ear, then kid says, "My parents had my baby brother."
     Dad hands kid photo, kid runs over, puts up picture of a cute newborn baby, swaddled in a blanket, up on board. Kid races back to microphone excited to get more words and pictures. Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Kid: "We need to obey the commandments" he looks at his dad, his dad whispers in his ear, kid laughs and says, "and love everyone."
     Dad gives kid picture. Kid posts picture of ten commandments on stone tablets.
     Kid stands at microphone, waiting for next prompt.
     Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Kid stretches. "If my baby brother doesn't obey the commandments..." Dad prompts kid with more words. "My baby brother can't be with us forever."
     Kid runs over to board, takes down picture of baby brother and runs back to microphone.
     Dad whispers in kid's ear, kid closes talk and everyone says, "Amen."
     Smiling proudly, Dad hugs kid, kid hugs dad, and they both sit down.

     Whoa! Wait one eternal minute. If cute baby doesn't obey he's out? That's it! Eternal families are really just one big sport, like basketball and baseball? Three strikes and, "You're outa there!" And, what about big brother? What if he doesn't obey? The sleeping baby doesn't even realize the doom that's coming his way!
     I looked around the room to see if anyone else thought this was a bit LDS odd. Time marched forward, we were dismissed to our classes and, there you go, we all are entitle to our own way of teaching that families can be together...if you obey.

Gettin' It Right in the Book of Life

       So my son called.
     "Hey, Mom, just wanted you to know, Celia (first fake name that came to mind) and I will be speaking in church on Sunday."
      He was kind of non-plussed, and a bit obligatory in his ever dutiful way, which was awesome.
      Me: "Oh wow. For sure, we'll be there... and we'll watch the kids."
     Him: "Thanks, Mom. That's be great. See you then.
      My husband and I show up for church. The two kids (blondest ones in the ward and possibly the world) were sitting on the bench about six rows back. Perfect. I brought bribery/incentives for them to help us all get through the meeting.
       Time comes for my son to speak (his wife gave a great talk, btw).
       Son: 5'11", brown hair slightly thinning (he'll be 40 this year), FULL beard that resembles what I knew as a kid to be a full beehive. Sweet smile. Such a good kid. Sparkling eyes. Smart. Perfect. Okay, back to the story:
        He begins: "So my talk today is on "Be of Good Cheer." He looks at everyone and smiles. "Let me tell you, when it comes to "Be of Good Cheer," there is no one more cheerful than my own mother."
        Me, in my head: WHOA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OMG, HE THINKS I'M WONDERFUL! I felt like I had just won the Eternal Family lottery. Not only had I been a good mother, possibly I had been the best mother the world had ever known! For all the work I had done, raising seven kids, this was the number one, single, most rewarding moment of my life. I was so touched. I had to wipe tears from my eyes as he continued.
       Him: He nodded his head as if continuing to agree with his comment. "Yep, she is. My mom is so OF good cheer."
       And then, I don't know what happened. It was like he suddenly had a stroke:
      Him: "Yeah." You could see the wheels still spinning in his head. "When my parents went through their divorce, one night, just as the cops arrested my mom and put her in handcuffs and went to haul her off to the police station, she looked around at all of us, laughed and said, "Take a picture!"
       I about pooped my pants! THAT NEVER HAPPENED. But, in sacrament meeting, there's no three-second pause, there's no take-backs. It's "out there" "in the universe", never to be grabbed up or erased again! Mormon fact now was, I had been arrested AND I had laughed as they hauled me off to whereever they were going to take me had I really been arrested!!!!
       Well, at least the chapel was reverent. Dead reverent. I felt all eyes staring at me...as I held one of the two most blondest kids in the world, trying to act like I was invisible. Never had I felt so...large.
       My son went on with his talk, while the Bishop kept an eye on me and, after the meeting was over, everyone walked by me, except one lady who tapped my shoulder, laughed and said, "Don't worry, honey. I was arrested once too!" No offense to her, I was glad she was back in the church, but let's just say she looked like she had led one tough life.
       No, I never said a word to my son. I couldn't. What were we going to do? Argue? Truth IS truth AND perception IS also perception. HOWEVER, about a year ago, I decided to slide it into one of our conversations since his comment had been on my mind every single second since first mentioned. When I felt the time was right, I merely said something about a comment I may have heard in church, but, then again, I may not have heard right, about me being arrested and the fact that I never had been arrested. My son, like I knew, looked at me, laughed and said, "Oh mom. Don't worry. It just slipped out and I forgot to say just kidding."
       I hope The Book of Life records everything the right way or I'm in big trouble!

Why Mormon Men are So Grumpy

1 -

Because Mormon men believe in the next life,

they pace themselves in this life--

there's plenty of time to have fun...

in the next life!

2 -

Because this life is a test

and tests aren't fun.

3 -

Because this life is meant to endure

and enduring is not fun.

4 -

Because if Mormon men are happy,

their friends and family might think they are too lighthearted

and if their friends and family think they are too lighthearted,

they might start smoking and drinking because of this.

5 -

Because men are that they might have joy

was only meant for those who lived

during Book of Mormon times.

6 -

Because having fun is not as rewarding

as feeling a sense of control over one's environment

by being grumpy.

7 -

Because they are preoccupied with the fact that they cannot sin

and possibly Mormon men would like to sin

if they really had the choice--

or at least this might be their perception.

8 -

Because the idea of having a wife and children

and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and so on,

really does bother them.

9 -

Because they never get what they really want,

which raises the question,

what do they really want?

10 -

Because, for them, being grumpy is so much more fun

than being happy!

TOP TEN WORST THINGS ABOUT MOVING INTO A NEW WARD

Top Ten Worst Things About Moving Into a New Ward
by Bettyanne Bruin

1.
For about five years,
you are "out" while everyone else is "in".

2.
This is when you run the highest risk
of being called into the nursery.

3.
You will, most likely,
have to give a talk in sacrament meeting...
unless your first name is Kristin.

4.
Because of the unspoken reserved seating in the chapel,
you have no idea which one pew is available
for your family to sit on in sacrament meeting.

5.
You now have to listen in Sunday School
rather than looking around the room
and projecting what's probably happening
in the lives of every other person in class.

6.
Trying to convince yourself that
the sea of fake smiles
that constantly approaches you
really is real.

7.
When you and/or your spouse
bump into that old flame
or the relative of that old flame.

8.
Trying to figure out which of the many odd groups
you will end up hanging out with and,
until you figure this out,
realizing you have to be nice to all of them.

9.
Hoping your first comment in Sunday School
helps you fit in
and not alienate you even more.

10.
The overwhelming fear that one day
your bishop will call and say,
"You seem like nice people,
however we prefer
you not attend
our ward anymore."

COMING SOON TO A STAKE NEAR ME

COMING SOON TO A STAKE NEAR ME
by Bettyanne Bruin

Our Ward announced last Sunday that the ward boundaries within our stake would be realigned. The meeting is scheduled for next Sunday at 4:15 p.m, and thus triggered the very-much-frowned-upon-but-very-much ignored rampant rumors.

Ah, Mormons. We're so interestingly obedient, so tempted and so willing to yield. We're so "in the world and not of it, yet of it, but not too much of it, but still very much of it."

For instance, I'm in Primary today, minding my own business. Kid leans over to me. "My dad told me all the changes coming up in the ward boundaries." He even took on the tone of an adult in pure ward boundary change wonderment. This kid's dad is in the bishopric, so rule number one: never tell your Primary child "the news" because it feels so good to tell, because even they will be in certain circles where they will reveal this type of supposedly Fort Knox, secure information.

So, now I know we will no longer be attending our usual ward building, which is referred to as The Barbie Ward, I think because it is so small. As opposed to the Fourth Ward, which I refer to as "The Plastic Ward," because of all the plastic surgery, or another ward in our stake that I refer to as, The Toupee Ward, well, because you can guess why.

So, now I just learned, as my husband descended down the stairs after visiting from another member of the bishopric, that our ward boundaries will not change much, just a part of another ward will be moved into our ward. This is awesome. These people should apply for jobs as Washington leakers. Oh well, 'cause I'm really looking forward to the move now because I've run out of all the look-a-likes I can find, and I'm pretty sure there's going to be some really great Pamela Sue Andersons or that ditz that married the old man--ah, yes, my husband just pegged it for me when I asked: Anna Nicole Smith. Hurry, bring 'em on. And I'll let you know how close these pre-revelations really are to the real thing when we find out next Sunday, also now known as Funday.

K, so this week was the best: Personally speaking, Gen, this one is for you:

So, my daughter, Hilary was asked to teach an Enrichment Night class, to which she became VERY nervous because she was intimidated by so many of the sisters in this ward. So much for acceptance and sisterhood. So, anyway, she asked me to attend as sort of like her bodyguard or something, which was totally fine. I actually do love this ward and don't feel intimidated. Hilary probably only does because she's still so young and impressionable, where I am 53 and totally fine with who I am, no matter what circle I'm in. My white trash trunk always with me, I'm good to go anywhere.

So, anyway, I took a seat on one of the back rows, next to an old friend of mine. I glanced around the room, as we all do, to make sure a general authority or the wife of an old boyfriend is not in attendance, to which there wasn't ...but wait.... lo an behold, what do my bloodshot eyes see, but a "chick" seated on the row in front of me. Yes, that one, with the sugar-spun blonde hair. No way. Can't be! NO WAY! I lean over to the sister next to me. "Um, see that lady in the row in front of us... all the way to the left... seated in the last seat of that row?"
"Yes," she whispers.
"Is she in the ward?" I ask, paying closer attention to my full bladder.
"Yes," my friend says. "She just moved in."
NO FREAKIN' WAY!
K, so let's go back. If Gen is 24, then this was eleven years ago.
Gen and I are driving along, in another one of our long lines of beat up fifteen passenger vans, as I drive her to school. Cruising along Alta Canyon Drive, we pass a low-riding maroon and white Corvette with the license plate that has the word "Sugar" printed in big letter on it, and I suddenly enter a new phase of my life: Sugar is now on Earth in living color. I did not know this before this exact moment.
I look at Gen. "Did you see that?"
Better than the name, the woman driving the car looks like pure sugar, if you know what I mean. And that made this all the better. In my wildest dreams, somewhere, somehow, I would have LOVED to have been sugar for a moment myself, but I liked football and camping too much, so that category was never a part of my real life. So I say to Gen, "Lookie there, Sugar just passed us in living, driving color."
And, from this moment on Gen and I had a non-spoken pact: Every time we passed Sugar, we acknowledged it. Always a surprised, everyone once in a while when we least expected it, sure enough Sugar passed us, and it was sugar cane sweet!
"There goes Sugar!" Gen would declare and somehow mutually we knew it would be a great day and it was. I think, from that point, on there was always an eye out for Sugar, just in case.
And then it would happen: We'd pass Sugar and silence would sometimes even prevail as we began to reverence this moment. Always the same, always sweet, Sugar was a form of world stability for us in her own sweet and simple way.
Just think about it: Sugar. Can't you feel it?
So there I was, sitting quietly in my seat in this Enrichment Night and before me, just six feet away, in real life, is Sugar. Ha! What are the chances? Heaven is so awesome and filled with surprises, which is why I love Earth.
I am so jazzed at this point that I start whispering my whole Sugar story to my friend. She doesn't seem to be as mesmerized by this strange phenomenon as me, so I decided I cannot rely on the arm of her flesh and I begin to make a plan... to meet Sugar. After the class, I find my way over to her. "Hi," I say. "My name is Bettyanne Bruin. I used to be in this ward and I hear you have just moved in. That's wonderful."
I am always so checked into my seventh grade inner brat.
"Yes, I did," says Sugar sweetly. I look at her hair. It is sweetly spun in it's overbleached blonde way, set in place like it has been sprayed with Karo syrup. Her clothes are also very sugary in their professional business suit/tramp sort of way. And her voice is very soft and sweet to match. Oh, and she weighs about 90 pounds. And I am so dadblameit proud of myself for stepping up to the dessert plate on this one. "Well, it's nice to meet you. And where did you say you live?"
She smiles and I know it's going to be a good day tomorrow. "Oh, we just bought my father-in-laws house."
"That's awesome," I say. "And who's your father-in-law?"
And then she told me.
Oh, Vieve! Where are you when I need you most? I cannot post his name, but think, think back. He was a former librarian in the ward, loves country western dancing and lives in a white house across the street from our house...with a gym! Yes! Sugar is his offspring's wife! Isn't that the best info on Earth so far? Don't you love it? Don't die, Vieve! Don't pee your pants! Just love it 'cause this is the real stuff life is really made of here on Earth.
And thank you, Sugar, for the confection layer you've always added to my life. I didn't have the guts to really push my inner brat on her and ask if she still drove her corvette.

More:

This reminds me of last year:

A new man moved into our ward and immediately my husband hated him with a passion, which was really fun. Because this type of hatred is made of pure male passion, which is hard to find--that male hatred that some men have for a man like this because a man like this is a bragger which most men have to fight so hard to not be, so when they find one that gets away with it, they don't know what to do but HATE him with a passion! Fro instance, this male bragger has been known to state such stuff as "While I was in the BISHOPRIC of my old ward, while reading THE STANDARD WORKS one day, following my DAILY PRAYER, after buying NEW JET SKIIS from my MILLION_DOLLAR company" etc.
So, anyway, this man bugged my husband so much that I decided I had to do something about this. I had to help my husband, Kent, face this trial head on. So, because I was on the ward activities committee, I thought it might be fun and advantageous and kind of a personal Christmas present to Kent if I orchestrated having this bragger man MC our Ward's Christmas party.
One month later, Bingo!
The night of the party, as the program began, I leaned over to my husband and said, "Merry Christmas, honey. This one's for you." And out stepped Braggerman. It was priceless and I inhaled every minute of it. "Brothers and Sisters, I'm honored to be your MC for the night. While in Denver, as a member of the Bishopric and a leader in the community, I had many chances to MC events and I've humbly appreciated each offer that's come my way."
Sometimes, I envision ringing a bell every time a ward member is caught bragging within an "air of humility".



Tah-tah for now!

Yes, Gen, Kels loved the scrapbook fair. I have seen every item she's purchased, one by one and tried to cheer for each one. She totally cried when I took her to school on Friday for fear she would miss the event. Even Kent stepped in on this one, making sure to deliver her to the front steps of the Expo.

BREAKING NEWS: LDS WARD LOOK-A-LIKES

BREAKING NEWS: LDS WARD LOOK-A-LIKES
by
Bettyanne Bruin


I'm not sure what the disease is called, but I think I have it. Weird thing is, I always have had this disease. Without question, nine times out of ten, whenever I see someone, anyone, I don't see them for who they really are, physically. I always see them for who they look like. And I believe I've gotten pretty good at pegging a die-hard Jack Nicholson, Mickey Rooney, and a close George Clooney in past and current wards. Through my years of identity savantness, I have found most of the characters from the Wizard of Oz, the genie from Alladin, Ronald McDonald and Bozo; you name it, I've found it. This became quite the craze with my kids and actually helped them be more reverent in Sacrament meeting, as we sat there, through the years, pegging people:

1 -
Former Bishop: Genie from Alladin,
he had the upside down mouth/smile and the eyes.

2 -
Former Relief Society chorister: cowardly lion
(mostly for the hair and the wrinkles around her eyes);
former Activities chair (a woman): tin woodsman
(her shiny make-up and gray funnel hair);
former magazine rep: scarecrow
(skinny guy with a skinny face and the exact same mouth).

3 -
Former chorister (a woman): Ronald McDonald
(total red hair worn just the same as Ronald. Drives a bright red car. );
the interesting thing here is she's married to Bozo
(obviously a bald guy, except for the toilet-seat-
white-hair wrapped around his head).
Very strange.

4 -
Not one, but two men: raccoons.
(Both had heavy foreheads that hung way over their eyes with a unibrow)

5 -
Older man,
was never sure what he did in the ward, wandered alot,
but he looked just like a big huge owl.
(Heaviest forehead ever seen with one gigantic unibrow
and a very prominent nose between two big eyes.)
I always wondered what he looked like as a kid
and could only figure he HAD to have looked like an owl then too.
No, his wife did not look like a bird.
Well, now that I think about it, maybe, sort of, but just a plain bird.

6.
Michael Jackson look-a-like:
this one my daughter picked out and it wasn't at church.
She was driving along I-15,
passed this woman in our ward and, bingo, it hit her.
She called to tell me.
We were very excited to add her to the list.
(After skin pigmentation altering in the Diana Ross category.)

7 -
Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency:
From the Dick Van Dyke show,
Mary Tyler Moore's (Laura Petrie) neighbor,
Millie Helper (husband Jerry).
How creepy for this person to surface
so many years after shows been canceled.
(Very short. Pursed lips with wide eyes. Scoots around.)

8 -
Former chorister: German nutcracker.
(Always stood so straight with shorter arms than normal
that he always stuck straight out to conduct.)
Awesomest look-a-like ever!

9 -
Counselor in the Bishopric:
Munchkin from the wizard of Oz.
(Short with shiny, puffy cheeks, balding and always smiling.)
Looks even more like a munchkin when he cries
and he cries, at the pulpit, over everything.

10 -
High Councilman:
Cabbage patch kid:
(Nice guy, but yee-ouch! Where do I start?
Bald, eyes that sit right on top of his way red, puffy cheeks.
I've always wanted to bump into him doing yard work,
to see if when he wears a T-shirt if part of his belly shows.)

K, so, who do you have in your Ward that looks like someone famous?
Should there be an annual LDS look-a-like contest?
Awesome!

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WAYS TO TIRE OUT CHILDREN IN PRIMARY

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WAYS TO TIRE OUT CHILDREN IN PRIMARY
by Bettyanne Bruin

Guaranteed to make children sit through all of Sharing Time, here are the top ten suggestions on how to help tire out children in Primary:

1 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Once There Was a Snowman," ten times.
2 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Do as I'm Doing," ten times.
3 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Fun to Do," ten times.
4 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" ten times.
5 - Have children sing and do the actions for, "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree," ten times.
6 - Have children sing and raise their scriptures in the air each time the word "scripture" is said during the song, "Scripture Power," and sing ten times.
7 - Have children sing and do all the actions for, "Book of Mormon Stories" and sing ten times.
8 - Even though they're not supposed to do this anymore, have the children sing and stand each time they say the word "sunbeam" in the song, "Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam," and do this ten times.
9 - Have children sing and stand each time they say hello in the "Hello Song," and sing song ten times.
10 - Have children sing and march all around the room while singing, "Follow the Prophet," ten times.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS COSTUME IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN

Monday, October 29, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS COSTUME IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN

TOP TEN LDS COSTUME IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN
by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - Sick nursery kid (don't forget the runny nose!)
2 - Scout after falling off the stage at a scouting activity
3 - Home Teacher (stays home instead of going Trick or Treating)
4 - Mother after saying goodbye to her missionary at the MTC
5 - Young woman after girl's camp (don't forget the campfire scent)
6 - Member of the church after stuffing himself the Saturday night before Fast Sunday
7 - A dead ancestor
8 - Mother with a Monday morning LDS hangover
9 - Father on the night of his 16-year-old daughter's first date
10 - Emergency preparedness specialist (don't forget the bird flu mask)

Breaking News: Top Ten Talks That Should Never Be Given

Breaking News: Top Ten Talk that Should Never be Given
by Bettyanne Bruin

I was once in a ward where a man gave a talk on empathizing with Satan. I don't recall there ever being a quieter chapel, as everyone sat there... stunned. His talk include such ideas as, poor, poor Satan, that it must have been so hard for him to fight against the plan, what it might have been that was really bothering him and how we should have empathy for ALL of our brothers and sisters, including Satan. This has prompted the following list:

Top Ten Other Talks that Should Never be Given in Church:

1 - Can Tobacco Be All Bad if it Has Medicinal Purposes?

2 - The Pros and cons of paying tithing

3 - Because I have enough faith, I will never need anti-anxiety medications

4 - I Lost 100 Pounds Drinking Coca Cola

5 - In lieu of testimony, playing an Oakrigdge Boys song (this actually happened in a ward I was in also)

6 - Expressing gratitude for extended life after suffering a brain aneurysm while have intimate relations with spouse (this was also true in the same ward) and he explained in detail how this happened. I covered the ears of the child next to me!

7 - After Reading all of Isaiah, I Believe I Know the actual day the Second Coming will Arrive

8 - I Never Do My Home Teaching and Yet I Still Feel Blessed

9 - Because I got my husband sent home from his mission, he got a great job he would have missed out on

10 - How Spending So Much on Food STorage made us lose our home.

BREAKING NEWS: HJB IS BACK!!!

BREAKING NEWS: HJB IS BACK!!!
by Bettyanne Bruin

KKK. Oops. I should probably just say, K,K. I have been swamped, but I've had a blast. I've been working, fulfilling some media relations obligations with a few film companies:

Believe, a movie that is a spoof on multi-level marketing. This is NOT a MLM bashing movie, but a "Let's have a good laugh at ourselves," film. I think Loki Mulholland did a great job on this film and was a super guy to work with.

I'm also having fun working with Chris Heimerdinger on Passage to Zarahemla, another film that I think was done very well, has a great adventure and provides an interesting, entertaining story line about the Book of Mormon. Has a great super effects guy: Steve Sobisky, who worked on Shrek, ANTZ and other movies as a member of the DreamTeam. He is fantastic! And Bruce Wing, the props guy who collects incredible props, Shari Ohman who has done costuming for countless Church-produced films and other LDS and non-LDS films, the wonderfully talented Summer Naomi Smart, Alex Petrovitch, Brian Kary, the list goes on and on. Today, I spoke with Bryce Chamberlain, who played the father in Man's Search for Happiness and now plays the grandfather in Passage to Zarahemla. That was awesome!!! Who would have thought, when I was sixteen and so affected by that film that it changed my life (cheesy, but true) that today I would have the privilege of personally thanking him.

I'm also working with Kieth Merrill and Peter Rancie's new studio, AAMPS, otherwise known as Audience Alliance Motion Picture Studios. Wow, what an experience this has been as well. All I can say is, there is SO MUCH TALENT in the LDS community !!! I have truly felt in awe of these people. They are all incredible. Kieth is so awesome and such a gentleman and a gentle man. Peter is so great. I love his g'days (he's from Australia) and he's a real mover and a shaker and has a determined focus on using his time and energy to give back to the community what he believes the community is seeking: movies that are high quality and filled with moral integrity. Way to go, Peter!

I am also a correspondent for the Salt Lake Tribune's Close-up section, an online editor for Writer's Literary, a freelance writer for Utah Spirit magazine, a Mia Maid Advisor, a vacationeer, a lover of fun and variety, a David Letterman addict, and a collector of strange LDS happenings, sightings, stories, happenings, etc. because I LOVE our community; the uniqueness, the insanity, the charity, the ups and the downs, the famous, the not-so-famous, etc.

So, here goes:

Possibly the Only Top Ten Strange Things That Could Only Happen in Utah: (Unless YOU have some!!!)

1 - A bumper sticker on a car in Provo with a picture of the Salt Lake Temple on it and the words: I am always worthy.

2 - A woman on the local news who gave the local traffic report, then accidentally closed her on-air, live report, "In the name of...." (I think you can find this on YouTube.)

3 - A sacrament meeting where a man played, "Oh My Father," on his saw. (I think the Church came out with stricter guidelines the next week for Sacrament meeting musical contributions.)

4 - A man (many might know) who thought it would be a great attention getter to yell really loud as the introduction to his Sacrament Meeting talk and, in so doing, made a young girl seated in the middle of the chapel throw up. (And seeing everyone scramble to help clean up the mess, while the man, not knowing what happened, continued on with his talk.)

5 - Walking into the chapel for the Children's Sacrament Meeting and seeing two seven-year-old boys standing next to the pulpit choking each other and learning one of them was my son.

6 - In the Summer, the people standing in line for a snow cone at a snow cone booth is longer than the lines waiting to get a drink at a bar. (My non-LDS brother, from California, could not believe this!)

7 - The signs posted on homes throughout Utah that read, "Welcome Home Elder." (Or Sister)

8 - That the candy aisle fills a complete aisle and the beer covers a small corner, where in California, it is totally the opposite.

9 - One of my favorites: Seeing families picnicking on top of graves while children run around and play, and cars create traffic jams in all of the cemeteries on Memorial Day

10 - A school bus filled with children singing Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree during a school field trip (even the teachers were singing). This just happened last week.

Crazy.

Feel free to comment with your own sightings.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIDE EFFECTS FROM WATCHING GENERAL CONFERENCE

BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN SIDE EFFECTS
FROM WATCHING GENERAL CONFERENCE:
By Bettyanne Bruin

1 -Weight gain from eating so many snacks and family meals.

2 - Sensitive eyes from spending so much time watching television.

3 - Paper cuts from too much scrapbooking while watching GC.

4 - Tired arms from playing too many hand held video games.

5 - Marital distress because women in the family spent
too much money at Deseret Book
while men were at priesthood meeting.

6 - Leftover aggravation from spending two whole days with family.

7 - Numb backsides from sitting for so long.

8 - Bruises from family dog pile.

9 - Aching legs from lack of walking around for two days straight.

10 - Guilt from already having broken commitment
to cut down on swearing and forgiving others more.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN NEW LDS TAX WRITE-OFFS

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN
NEW LDS TAX WRITE-OFFS
by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - Weddings!
2 - Visual aids
3 - Handouts
4 - Food eaten while listening to/watching
General Conference
5 - Food eaten at restaurants in
conjunction with Fast Sunday
6 - BYU sports paraphernalia
7 - Baby shower gifts
8 - Scrapbooking supplies
9 - Mileage to and from all church
activities and meetings
10 - Expenses surrounding mission
farewells: food, new carpet, new
clothes, manicures

(I thought you might want to, finally, see a
photo of my husband and me!)

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS SAINTS

In honor of St. Patty's Day (our family's favorite holiday -- go corned beef!) :

TOP TEN SAINTS IN THE LDS CHURCH
by Bettyanne Bruin

1 - Saint Coke
2 - Saint Pepsi
3 - Saint Hershey
4 - Saint Creative Keepsakes
5 - Saint Refillable cups/Big Gulp
6 - Saint Hometown Buffet
7 - Saint Costco
8 - Saint Wendover
9 - Saint Funeral Potatoes
10 - Saint Fry Sauce

BREAKING NEWS: HI MIA MAIDS

Top Ten Things That Young Women Love to Talk About

1 - Boys

2 - Righteous Boys

3 - Righteous Handsome Boys

4 - Righteous Handsome Intelligent Boys

5 - Is there such a thing as Righteous Handsome Intelligent Boys

6 - Chivalrous boys

7 - Humble boys

8 - Is there such a thing as humble boys

9 - Where have all the good boys gone?

10 - Chocolate muffins

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WAYS TO PROMOTE GOOD SPORTMANSHIP AMONGST LDS BASKETBALL PLAYERS

TOP TEN WAYS TO PROMOTE
GOOD SPORTMANSHIP
AMONGST LDS BASKETBALL PLAYERS
by Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Have an opening prayer.

2 -
Post a religious picture.

3 -
Have a referee say, "Keep it clean."

4 -
Have opposing players shake hands.

5 -
Post a smiley face above basketball hoops.

6 -
Read the 13th Article of Faith.

7 -
Have a moment of silence
with emphasis on
visualizing good behavior.

8 - Spotlight players to
bring out positive attributes.

9 - Serve refreshments.

10 - Hire a cop to read
the statute on
assault and battery.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS THAT CAN BE MADE FROM A SACRAMENT MEETING PROGRAM

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS
THAT CAN BE MADE FROM
A SACRAMENT MEETING PROGRAM :
By Bettyanne Bruin

1
Paper airplane

2
Cootie catcher

3
Drinking cup

4
Paper football

5
Bird

6 Hat

7
Bracelet

8
Fan

9
Horn

10
Confetti

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS OF A LDS MONDAY MORNING HANGOVER

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS OF A
LDS MONDAY MORNING HANGOVER

by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - EYES:
Swollen from too much napping.

2 - BACK:
Painful from too much time spent
laying on the couch.

3 - NECK:
Stiff from awkward sleeping position
in Sacrament Meeting.

4 - ANKLES:
Swollen from sitting for three hours straight.

5 - STOMACH:
Queezy from too many layers of junk food.

6 - HEAD:
Aches from too many hours spent with
immediate and extended family.

7 - MOUTH:
Hurts from too much smiling.

8 - BRAIN:
Cramped out of restraint from
expressing true feelings.

9 - THROAT:
Sore from yelling at everyone to be quiet
so TV can be heard.

10 - EARS
Tired from having to listen
to so many people talk
about stuff that's actually
not all that interesting.

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN FAVORITE GENEAOLOGIST SAYINGS

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN FAVORITE
GENEALOGIST SAYINGS

by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Over all of your ancestor's dead bodies!

2 -
What the endless freakin'
research are you doing?

3 -
If your great, great, great, great
grandmother heard that, she'd...!

4 -
I'll bet your great, great, great, great
grandfather just rolled over in his grave!

5 -
That's about as believable as
somebody findin' the 1890 census!

6 -
Somebody ought to take that family chain and ...!

7 -
You think that's hard,
you should try finding your Great, Great Uncle Charlie
in the entire state of Tennessee.

8 -
That is more "out there" than
discovering your great grandfather was a medicine man!

9 -
Stop beatin' everything to death!

10 -
It's not like it's the end of the world!

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE EARLY TO THE LATE SCHEDULE

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN GOOD THINGS
ABOUT THE LATE SCHEDULE
by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
You get to sleep in.

2 -
You get to stay in your pajamas until 1 p.m.

3 -
Because Mormons tend to sin more as the Sabbath Day wears on,
there's less opportunity to sin.

4 -
You can go into a deeper sleep during Sacrament meeting.

5 -
You can go into a deeper a nap during Sunday School.

6 -
You can go into a deeper nap during the third hour.

7 -
It's warmer out in the winter.

8 -
You get to sit in an air conditioned building
during the summer.

9 -
The most boring part of the Sunday TV schedule
is during your church time.

10 -
You look more relaxed than the
early schedule people who are leaving the building.