Okay, okay. I repent. My intention is not to insult. And, whereas I received a concerned e-mail regarding the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I would like to say, all of my blogs are meant to poke a little fun. If that one went into a bit of a stab, a happyjellybean apology is in order. What happened was, while watching conference, hbj is always mindful of all the games played. And, to poke fun that sometimes the joke is made that the Mormon Tabernacle members all look alike, or who are they, or what, I thought I would make a game, only in fun, but, like hjb always says, If a joke is only funny to one person, then that joke is just not funny. So, let's get back on track and go for a kinder poke:
Could I do this?
TOP TEN SONGS THAT SHOUD BE SUNG TO THE PROTESTERS WHO TAKE TIME FROM THEIR BUSY DAY TO VISIT LDS MEMBERS ON CONFERENCE WEEKEND:
1- If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands
2 - If You Chance To Meet a Frown, Do Not Let it Stay
3 - Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, We're Glad You Came Our Way
4 - Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other
5 - Time Flies On Wings of Lightening, Don't Let it Pass You By
6 - The World Has Need Of Willing Men
7 - Because I Have Been Given Much, I, Too, Should Give
8 - There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today
Or, another attempt at light humor:
Top Ten Things Heard Around the House on Conference Weekend:
1 - "Pass the popcorn."
2 - "Dad, quit snoring!"
3 - "Change it back!"
4 - "Get up, conference has started!"
5 - "Did they just put (name of close friend) in as a General Authority?"
6 - "Wow, I didn't know we had that many members in the church."
7 - "When I was a kid, there were only 10,000 missionaries in the mission field."
8 - "When I joined the church, there were only 12 temples!"
9 - "Dad, quit snoring."
10 - "Mom, tell ____ to quit hitting me."
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN "CAN YOU FIND A MEMBER OF THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR WHO LOOKS LIKE..." CONFERENCE GAME
Top Ten "Can You Find a Member
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Who Looks Like..." Conference Game
by
Bettyanne Bruin
Can you find a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Who Looks Like:
1- He or she has been in at least one Ward basketball fight?
2 – He or she sleeps during all of his or her Sacrament meeting?
3 – He or she has never done any genealogy?
4 – He or she does not believe in having a food storage?
5 – He or she plays the penny slot machines while traveling through a gambling zone?
6 – He or she believes the end of the world is coming any day?
7 – He or she has had a face lift?
8 – He or she has yelled at his or her neighbor’s dog?
9 – He or she is addicted to Jolt.
10 – He or she goes home during Sunday School.
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Who Looks Like..." Conference Game
by
Bettyanne Bruin
Can you find a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Who Looks Like:
1- He or she has been in at least one Ward basketball fight?
2 – He or she sleeps during all of his or her Sacrament meeting?
3 – He or she has never done any genealogy?
4 – He or she does not believe in having a food storage?
5 – He or she plays the penny slot machines while traveling through a gambling zone?
6 – He or she believes the end of the world is coming any day?
7 – He or she has had a face lift?
8 – He or she has yelled at his or her neighbor’s dog?
9 – He or she is addicted to Jolt.
10 – He or she goes home during Sunday School.
Monday, March 27, 2006
MISSIONARY BREAKING NEW: TOP TEN PHONE MESSAGES LEFT ON A LDS MISSIONARY'S MESSAGE MACHINE
Top Ten Phone Messages Left on a LDS Missionary’s Message Machine
by Bettyanne Bruin
1 – This is Dr. Thomas’ office. The results of the rabies test, on that dog that bit you, came back negative.
2 – Hello, Elders. This is Sister Wells. I just wanted to thank you, so much, for coming over today to help bury my dog for me. I'm sure Fido was very appreciative too.
3 – Hey, punks, you ever do that again -- go around knocking at my door trying to preach all of yer nonsense, and I’ll get my buddies and we’ll do more than just come knockin’ at your door!
4 – Hello, Elder. You don’t know me, but I’m a close friend of your girlfriend and she asked me to call you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by lying, so she wanted to be honest with you – she just got married.
5 – Hello, Elders. One of your journals was left at my house and I just wanted to let you know that you can stop by to get it any time you want. Also I, too, hope you get over soon the two biggest problems you expressed in your journal that you’re dealing with right now -- your fear of the dark and that disgusting toe-nail biting habit.
6 - Hello, this is a preacher from one of the local churches wanting advice on how to get more members.
7 – This is the Post Office wanting to let you know that there is NOT, I repeat NOT, a package for you today, so please do not call us again. We will call you!
8 – This is footblisters.com letting you know your case of foot cream is in the mail.
9 – Hello Elders. Just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel our dinner appointment with you, tonight, but we did leave a few packages of Top Ramen on your door to make up for it, so, have a good dinner and talk to you soon.
10 – This is the Mission Home letting you know that your activity to enter the city drag race with church advertising on your car was not approved.
by Bettyanne Bruin
1 – This is Dr. Thomas’ office. The results of the rabies test, on that dog that bit you, came back negative.
2 – Hello, Elders. This is Sister Wells. I just wanted to thank you, so much, for coming over today to help bury my dog for me. I'm sure Fido was very appreciative too.
3 – Hey, punks, you ever do that again -- go around knocking at my door trying to preach all of yer nonsense, and I’ll get my buddies and we’ll do more than just come knockin’ at your door!
4 – Hello, Elder. You don’t know me, but I’m a close friend of your girlfriend and she asked me to call you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by lying, so she wanted to be honest with you – she just got married.
5 – Hello, Elders. One of your journals was left at my house and I just wanted to let you know that you can stop by to get it any time you want. Also I, too, hope you get over soon the two biggest problems you expressed in your journal that you’re dealing with right now -- your fear of the dark and that disgusting toe-nail biting habit.
6 - Hello, this is a preacher from one of the local churches wanting advice on how to get more members.
7 – This is the Post Office wanting to let you know that there is NOT, I repeat NOT, a package for you today, so please do not call us again. We will call you!
8 – This is footblisters.com letting you know your case of foot cream is in the mail.
9 – Hello Elders. Just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel our dinner appointment with you, tonight, but we did leave a few packages of Top Ramen on your door to make up for it, so, have a good dinner and talk to you soon.
10 – This is the Mission Home letting you know that your activity to enter the city drag race with church advertising on your car was not approved.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Argumentative Breaking News: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE LOVE TO ARGUE ABOUT!!!!
Top Ten Things LDS People Love to Argue About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Other religions.
2 – BYU vs. U of U
3 – The definition of a caffeinated product.
4 – Any foul called in a basketball game.
5 – Who’s going to say the opening prayer in Family Home Evening.
6 – Donner pass.
7 – R-rated movies: Good or bad?
8 – Television viewing habits.
9 – Polygamy
10 – Is crap a swear word?
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Other religions.
2 – BYU vs. U of U
3 – The definition of a caffeinated product.
4 – Any foul called in a basketball game.
5 – Who’s going to say the opening prayer in Family Home Evening.
6 – Donner pass.
7 – R-rated movies: Good or bad?
8 – Television viewing habits.
9 – Polygamy
10 – Is crap a swear word?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
SCRAPBOOKING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO SCRAPBOOK ABOUT:
Top Ten Things LDS People
Will NEVER Want to Scrapbook About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Will NEVER Want to Scrapbook About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Genevieve Gillette
1. The many Family Home Evenings where everyone fights over job chores.
2. The first time you put your toddler in the nursery and ditched him or her.
3. Locating your scout after he's spent an entire night in the mountains alone.
4. The fight with the Scout master who lost track of him.
5. The time, while on your mission, the non-member announced he or she was canceling his or her baptism date.
6. The meeting with the Bishop where he calls you into the scouting program.
7. Initiating road rage on your way to church.
8. Eating at an all-you-can eat buffet the night before fast Sunday.
9. The Ward basketball game fight that was started by a member of your family.
10. You drooling, while asleep, in Sacrament meeting.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Simply Breaking News: Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways (yeah, right) a LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life
Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways
(Yeah, right)
A LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life:
(ByBettyanne Bruin)
1 – Catch up on sleep during church meetings. (Oops, already done.)
2 - Save genealogy work for when you get old and have nothing better to do. (Oops, already done.)
3 – Say one, long prayer while in bed, rather than three times a day. (Oops, already done.)
4 – Hire out service projects. (Actually has been done.)
5 – Buy your sodas in gallon-sized drink containers. (Is done all of the time.)
6 – Keep forgetting that you have neighbors. (What neighbors?)
7 – Call your home/visiting teaching families for visits on the phone. (Oops, has been done for years.)
8 – Show videos to your Sunday School class. (Oops, currently the biggest fad in the LDS church.)
9 – Hold FHM, Family Home Moment while eating dinner. (Done all the time.)
10 –
(Yeah, right)
A LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life:
(ByBettyanne Bruin)
1 – Catch up on sleep during church meetings. (Oops, already done.)
2 - Save genealogy work for when you get old and have nothing better to do. (Oops, already done.)
3 – Say one, long prayer while in bed, rather than three times a day. (Oops, already done.)
4 – Hire out service projects. (Actually has been done.)
5 – Buy your sodas in gallon-sized drink containers. (Is done all of the time.)
6 – Keep forgetting that you have neighbors. (What neighbors?)
7 – Call your home/visiting teaching families for visits on the phone. (Oops, has been done for years.)
8 – Show videos to your Sunday School class. (Oops, currently the biggest fad in the LDS church.)
9 – Hold FHM, Family Home Moment while eating dinner. (Done all the time.)
10 –
Friday, March 10, 2006
Top Ten LDS Swear Words
and Their Moment of Usage:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Frickin’: “I didn’t frickin’ foul that guy! He was the one who was all over me!”
2 – Dang: “And then this dang car comes right up and pretty near rear ends me!”
3 – Darn: “That darn food storage is piling up all over out there in that darn garage!”
4 – Fetch: “Fetch, that hurt! Geez, what'd you do that for?”
5 – Geez: Refer to the above.
6 – Sheesh: “Sheesh, what’s it gonna take to get you to get the message? I'm not going to marry you!”
7 – Bleeoch: “That girl is one heckofa bleeoch, and I don't care if she is my next door neighbor!”
8 - H-E-double hockey sticks: “If you aren’t obedient, you know where you’re going to go? You are goin' right to h-e-double hockey sticks!”
9 – Heck-if-I: “Heck-if-I know where your scriptures are. You’re the one who lost them!”
10 – Lousey, good for nothin’: “That kids is a good-for-nothin- piece of crap.” (Shhh… LDS people do not think crap is not a swear word.)
and Their Moment of Usage:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Frickin’: “I didn’t frickin’ foul that guy! He was the one who was all over me!”
2 – Dang: “And then this dang car comes right up and pretty near rear ends me!”
3 – Darn: “That darn food storage is piling up all over out there in that darn garage!”
4 – Fetch: “Fetch, that hurt! Geez, what'd you do that for?”
5 – Geez: Refer to the above.
6 – Sheesh: “Sheesh, what’s it gonna take to get you to get the message? I'm not going to marry you!”
7 – Bleeoch: “That girl is one heckofa bleeoch, and I don't care if she is my next door neighbor!”
8 - H-E-double hockey sticks: “If you aren’t obedient, you know where you’re going to go? You are goin' right to h-e-double hockey sticks!”
9 – Heck-if-I: “Heck-if-I know where your scriptures are. You’re the one who lost them!”
10 – Lousey, good for nothin’: “That kids is a good-for-nothin- piece of crap.” (Shhh… LDS people do not think crap is not a swear word.)
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Top Ten Signs
You Cannot Call Yourself
a Regular Scripture Reader:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is listen to the scriptures on tape while doing other things, like watching television or sleeping.
2 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is when you glance over at your neighbor’s scriptures each week in Sunday School class.
3 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is reading the scriptures found on the marquis’s of other churches.
4 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read are those found on car bumper stickers.
5. You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read is the John 3:16 sign that’s held up at all national sporting events.
6 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if your only claim to being a regular scripture reader is the fact that you’ve memorized the scripture, “Jesus wept.”
7 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you have no idea where your scriptures are.
8 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you’ve set a goal to read the scriptures and almost read them once.
9 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is to look at them, once a day, sitting on your bookshelf.
10 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you think about reading them every day, but never do.
You Cannot Call Yourself
a Regular Scripture Reader:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is listen to the scriptures on tape while doing other things, like watching television or sleeping.
2 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is when you glance over at your neighbor’s scriptures each week in Sunday School class.
3 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is reading the scriptures found on the marquis’s of other churches.
4 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read are those found on car bumper stickers.
5. You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read is the John 3:16 sign that’s held up at all national sporting events.
6 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if your only claim to being a regular scripture reader is the fact that you’ve memorized the scripture, “Jesus wept.”
7 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you have no idea where your scriptures are.
8 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you’ve set a goal to read the scriptures and almost read them once.
9 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is to look at them, once a day, sitting on your bookshelf.
10 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you think about reading them every day, but never do.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Lent Breaking News: Top Ten Things LDS People Should Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot
Top Ten Things LDS People Should
Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Watching television on Sunday.
2 – All chocolate and/or caffeine products. For that matter, all sugar products.
3 – Not answering the phone when a Bishopric member calls during a time when an undesirable calling is available.
4 – Avoiding the Ward Genealogy Specialist.
5 – Avoiding walking anywhere near a Primary room.
6 – Going overtime on a talk or lesson.
7 – Cheating on Fast Sunday.
8 – Shopping on Sunday.
9 – Funeral Potatoes.
10 – Preparing their lesson while teaching their lesson.
FAT TUESDAY BREAKING NEWS: LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)
LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Flat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all women in the LDS church wear their hair flat with no hairspray, then gather at their Ward building and spend hours trying to figure out who each other is.
2 - Brat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all irreverent LDS children get whatever they want, also known in the LDS church as Sharing Time.
3 - Hat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally convince all toupee-adorned LDS men to take off their toupee and wear a hat, while LDS members do whatever it takes to destroy the toupee, only to find out the next Sunday that their efforts were fruitless.
4 - Pat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally celebrate (instead feeling guilty like every other day of the year) that maybe they really do have everything down pat, from doing their genealogy to food storage to understanding the Book of Isaiah. This is usually one of the happiest days of the year for LDS people, except for LDS martyrs.
5 - Mat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people celebrate the importance of making sure a mat or any other type of decorated material is carefully placed under a flower-filled vase on a classroom table for any Sunday lesson.
6 - Rat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people get to rat about what’s really bothering them, from political issues to poorly prepared food – usually this celebration spills out into every day of the year.
7 - Cat Tuesday: The day before Lent where a LDS person can choose to believe he or she really is a cool cat. Warning: This day usually runs out quick because, before too long, the LDS person is back to eating stuff like green Jell-o, fry sauce and funeral potatoes, wearing big hair, clothes that fit too tight, listening to the oldies station and once again realizes that he or she really is a big geek.
8 – Sat. Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people completely saturate themselves with any and all caffeine products.
9 - Bat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people go to bat for the church by arguing with anyone who comes their way -- usually happens wherever LDS pageants are performed.
10 – Chat Tuesday: The day before Lent where people in the LDS church gather at the Ward building to spend all day chatting as if it was Sunday.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Flat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all women in the LDS church wear their hair flat with no hairspray, then gather at their Ward building and spend hours trying to figure out who each other is.
2 - Brat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all irreverent LDS children get whatever they want, also known in the LDS church as Sharing Time.
3 - Hat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally convince all toupee-adorned LDS men to take off their toupee and wear a hat, while LDS members do whatever it takes to destroy the toupee, only to find out the next Sunday that their efforts were fruitless.
4 - Pat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally celebrate (instead feeling guilty like every other day of the year) that maybe they really do have everything down pat, from doing their genealogy to food storage to understanding the Book of Isaiah. This is usually one of the happiest days of the year for LDS people, except for LDS martyrs.
5 - Mat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people celebrate the importance of making sure a mat or any other type of decorated material is carefully placed under a flower-filled vase on a classroom table for any Sunday lesson.
6 - Rat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people get to rat about what’s really bothering them, from political issues to poorly prepared food – usually this celebration spills out into every day of the year.
7 - Cat Tuesday: The day before Lent where a LDS person can choose to believe he or she really is a cool cat. Warning: This day usually runs out quick because, before too long, the LDS person is back to eating stuff like green Jell-o, fry sauce and funeral potatoes, wearing big hair, clothes that fit too tight, listening to the oldies station and once again realizes that he or she really is a big geek.
8 – Sat. Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people completely saturate themselves with any and all caffeine products.
9 - Bat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people go to bat for the church by arguing with anyone who comes their way -- usually happens wherever LDS pageants are performed.
10 – Chat Tuesday: The day before Lent where people in the LDS church gather at the Ward building to spend all day chatting as if it was Sunday.
Friday, February 24, 2006
HIGH PRIEST BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HIGH PRIEST GROUP LEADER MIGHT BE TOO OLD TO SERVE
Top Ten Signs Your High Priest Group Leader
Might Be Too Old to Serve:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Following Sacrament Meeting, even if someone shouts, “Fire!” the High Priest Group Leader doesn’t move.
2 - The High Priest Group Leader begins High Priest’s Group Meeting by saying, “Good Morning, Brothers and Sisters. Welcome to our Ward Temple Night!”
3 - The High Priest Group Leader thinks searching for the dead means looking up old friends.
4 - It takes half the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to sit down and the other half of the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to get back up.
5 - Everyone in the room keeps asking one another, “Does the High Priest Group Leader look alive to you?”
6 – Whenever the High Priest Group Leader says the opening or closing prayer, everyone folds their arms and closes their eyes, then waits five minutes for the High Priest Group Leader to begin, only to open their eyes and find the H.P. Group Leader sound asleep.
7 – When the High Priest Group Leader leads the music, one person has to hold up the hymnbook while another person holds up his arm.
8 – Every time someone teaches a lesson and mentions our elder brother by name, the High Priest Group Leader shouts, “Amen!”
9 – By the time the High Priest Group Leader gets to High Priest Group meeting, the meeting is over.
10 - The High Priest Group Leader keeps asking, "Who's the High Priest Group Leader? How come we don't have a High Priest Group Leader?"
Might Be Too Old to Serve:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Following Sacrament Meeting, even if someone shouts, “Fire!” the High Priest Group Leader doesn’t move.
2 - The High Priest Group Leader begins High Priest’s Group Meeting by saying, “Good Morning, Brothers and Sisters. Welcome to our Ward Temple Night!”
3 - The High Priest Group Leader thinks searching for the dead means looking up old friends.
4 - It takes half the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to sit down and the other half of the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to get back up.
5 - Everyone in the room keeps asking one another, “Does the High Priest Group Leader look alive to you?”
6 – Whenever the High Priest Group Leader says the opening or closing prayer, everyone folds their arms and closes their eyes, then waits five minutes for the High Priest Group Leader to begin, only to open their eyes and find the H.P. Group Leader sound asleep.
7 – When the High Priest Group Leader leads the music, one person has to hold up the hymnbook while another person holds up his arm.
8 – Every time someone teaches a lesson and mentions our elder brother by name, the High Priest Group Leader shouts, “Amen!”
9 – By the time the High Priest Group Leader gets to High Priest Group meeting, the meeting is over.
10 - The High Priest Group Leader keeps asking, "Who's the High Priest Group Leader? How come we don't have a High Priest Group Leader?"
Thursday, February 23, 2006
PRIMARY BURN OUT BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PRIMARY PRESIDENT MIGHT BE BURNED OUT
Top Ten Signs Your Primary President Might Be Burned Out:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Instead of having a reverence chart, she has an advent calendar posted in the front of the room, counting the days until she is released.
2 - For Sharing Time, the Primary watches Sponge Bob.
3 – Her Primary Theme for the month is, Enduring to the End Is Impossible.
4 - Whenever she sings the Hello song, she replaces Hello with Goodbye.
5 – For treats, she gives out candy cigarettes.
6 – Her phone message says, If you think this your Primary President, please hang up. You have dialed the wrong number.
7 – She’s on a Prozac I.V.
8 – She insists there should be a substitute called for her calling as well.
9 – She keeps standing on the folding chairs, trying to fall backwards.
10 – Holding up a paddle, she says, “Reverence begins with this!”
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Instead of having a reverence chart, she has an advent calendar posted in the front of the room, counting the days until she is released.
2 - For Sharing Time, the Primary watches Sponge Bob.
3 – Her Primary Theme for the month is, Enduring to the End Is Impossible.
4 - Whenever she sings the Hello song, she replaces Hello with Goodbye.
5 – For treats, she gives out candy cigarettes.
6 – Her phone message says, If you think this your Primary President, please hang up. You have dialed the wrong number.
7 – She’s on a Prozac I.V.
8 – She insists there should be a substitute called for her calling as well.
9 – She keeps standing on the folding chairs, trying to fall backwards.
10 – Holding up a paddle, she says, “Reverence begins with this!”
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
HAPPY VALENTINE'S BREAKING NEWS: VALENTINE'S CARDS FOR SOMETIMES OVERLOOKED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
Top Ten LDS Valentine’s Day Cards
to Sometimes-Overlooked
Members of the
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - To Our Home Teacher on Valentine’s Day: Even though you don’t know us and have never met us before, we’d still like to wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.
2 – To All Primary Substitute Teachers: Happy Valentine’s Day, and thanks for substituting for my class last week and the week before and the week before that.
P.S. Could you possibly substitute for me again this week?
3 – To the Ward Chorister: On this Valentine’s Day, we’d like to tell you how much we love the way you lead the music, especially how we only sing the first and last verse of “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief,” and never the six verses in between.
4 - To The Ward Clerk – We love you - your wig, your high-tide pants, your wrinkled shirt, short tie and lint-covered blazer. What would Sacrament Meeting be like without you?
5 – To The Chapel Ushers – We love the way you hand out the program each Sunday in your obsessive complusive way, making sure the front cover is always facing towards us and is turned the right way.
6 – To the Basketball Referees: Even though we beat you up, throw chairs at you and call you every name in the book, we still love you!!! Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
7 – To the Unofficial/Junior Gospel Doctrine Teacher: We love the way you sit on the front row of Sunday School class every week and nod your head, “yes” in response to every comment the teacher makes. Your approval of the teacher’s comments makes it seem as though you are teaching the class as well, or that you know as much if not more than the teacher and we love the reassurance this gives us that the Ward is well-suprevised by an extremely dedicated Gospel Doctrine expert.
8 – To Members of the Sunday School Presidency: Even though no one in any Ward could ever name any person who fills any position in the Sunday School Presidency, we still appreciate your willingness to serve.
9 – To the Bishop’s Wife: Happy Valentine’s Day. Oh, you didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day? Sorry. We know sometimes the Bishop’s wife IS the last to know, but we still love you anyway.
10 – To the Ward Welfare Specialist: Happy Valentine’s Day. We hope you enjoy this romantic meal of cracked wheat pie, nonfat dry milk shake, nuts and dried fruits, on a table made of non-flammable, water-resistant cardboard, to the subtle light of a 24-hour emergency candle! Happy Valentine's Day!
WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS
HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
In honor of my daughter honoring Valentine's Day (see greedykristian.com), I hereby post my 25 favorite chick flicks.
Disclaimer: Because happyjellybeans has not watched
25 movies in hjb's whole life, this was not an easy task,
but I tried my very hjb best:
Y 1 - Always
Y 2- Marvin’s Room
Y 3 – Truman Show (hey, hey, hey! Truman LOVED life!)
Y 4 - Camelot
Y 5 - Romeo and Juliet (from the 70’s)
Y 6 - Steel Magnolias
Y 7 - While You Were Sleeping
Y 8 - Sleepless in Seattle
Y 9 - The Music Man
Y 10 - The Sound of Music
Y 11 – Somewhere in Time
Y 12- Love Story (with Ali McGraw—stupid movie of the 70’s, but I watched it and cried like 19 times)
Y 13 – The Way we Were
Y 14 – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (strange, but very thought-provoking movie about love)
Y 15 – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Who didn’t fall in love with Paul Newman and Robert Redford every time?)
Y 16 – For that matter: Woodstock (I saw this like 50 times)
Y 17 – Hard Day’s Night – I LOVED the Beatles and screamed and sobbed every time I watched this movie
Y 18 - Yours, Mine and Ours - The old one with Henry Fonda.
Y 19 – I Love Lucy (not a movie, but she was my religion growing up)
Y 20 - The Three Stooges (giving too much of myself away now, but I loved them too, growing up. They were very influential in my formative years.)
Y 21 - The Story of the Making of the Hershey Bar (I wish they’d make this movie, with samples)
Y 22 - Greedy Kristian and Randy; a Love Story (how tender)
Y 23 - Grandcows are Such Special Things (check out greedykristian.com for more on this)
Y 24 – The Book of Mormon movie
Y 25 – My Step-Poppy, Your Step-Poppy; The World’s Greatest Love Story of all Time
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
In honor of my daughter honoring Valentine's Day (see greedykristian.com), I hereby post my 25 favorite chick flicks.
Disclaimer: Because happyjellybeans has not watched
25 movies in hjb's whole life, this was not an easy task,
but I tried my very hjb best:
Y 1 - Always
Y 2- Marvin’s Room
Y 3 – Truman Show (hey, hey, hey! Truman LOVED life!)
Y 4 - Camelot
Y 5 - Romeo and Juliet (from the 70’s)
Y 6 - Steel Magnolias
Y 7 - While You Were Sleeping
Y 8 - Sleepless in Seattle
Y 9 - The Music Man
Y 10 - The Sound of Music
Y 11 – Somewhere in Time
Y 12- Love Story (with Ali McGraw—stupid movie of the 70’s, but I watched it and cried like 19 times)
Y 13 – The Way we Were
Y 14 – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (strange, but very thought-provoking movie about love)
Y 15 – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Who didn’t fall in love with Paul Newman and Robert Redford every time?)
Y 16 – For that matter: Woodstock (I saw this like 50 times)
Y 17 – Hard Day’s Night – I LOVED the Beatles and screamed and sobbed every time I watched this movie
Y 18 - Yours, Mine and Ours - The old one with Henry Fonda.
Y 19 – I Love Lucy (not a movie, but she was my religion growing up)
Y 20 - The Three Stooges (giving too much of myself away now, but I loved them too, growing up. They were very influential in my formative years.)
Y 21 - The Story of the Making of the Hershey Bar (I wish they’d make this movie, with samples)
Y 22 - Greedy Kristian and Randy; a Love Story (how tender)
Y 23 - Grandcows are Such Special Things (check out greedykristian.com for more on this)
Y 24 – The Book of Mormon movie
Y 25 – My Step-Poppy, Your Step-Poppy; The World’s Greatest Love Story of all Time
(Feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment)
Monday, February 13, 2006
OLYMPIC BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS RELIEF SOCIETY OLYMPIC EVENTS
Top Ten LDS Relief Society Olympic Events:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - The Delluge – Which Relief Society is the most overwhelmed?
2 - Speedriving to Church meetings: Watch the sisters race to see who can drive to church the fastest.
3 - Cryatholon – Who will cry the hardest during R.S. Testmony meeting?
4 - Nice Hockey – Who can be the nicest of all the Relief Society sisters, really?
5 - Curling Iron – Best hairstyle with special emphasis paid to bangs.
6 - Doughboarding – Watch the sister compete in whose dough will rise the highest.
7 - Figure Hating – See the sisters interviewed to see who hates whose figure the most.
8 - The scaleleton – See which sister hates her bathroom scale the most.
9 - Downhill creaking – Watch the older sisters race to the Relief Society room to get the best seat.
10 - Mobsled – See who survives a mobbing generated by a huge scrapbook sale.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - The Delluge – Which Relief Society is the most overwhelmed?
2 - Speedriving to Church meetings: Watch the sisters race to see who can drive to church the fastest.
3 - Cryatholon – Who will cry the hardest during R.S. Testmony meeting?
4 - Nice Hockey – Who can be the nicest of all the Relief Society sisters, really?
5 - Curling Iron – Best hairstyle with special emphasis paid to bangs.
6 - Doughboarding – Watch the sister compete in whose dough will rise the highest.
7 - Figure Hating – See the sisters interviewed to see who hates whose figure the most.
8 - The scaleleton – See which sister hates her bathroom scale the most.
9 - Downhill creaking – Watch the older sisters race to the Relief Society room to get the best seat.
10 - Mobsled – See who survives a mobbing generated by a huge scrapbook sale.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
GARDEN OF EDEN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH
TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE
MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER
HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF
THE LATTER-DAY SAINT CHURCH:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - “Eve, you ate one of those apples? Dang!”
2 - “Adam, I thought for Family Home Evening tonight, we’d talk about being tempted to partake of the tree of life.”
3 - “But, Eve, we don’t have to do our genealogy because we don’t have any ancestors!”
4 - “Adam, I’m going over to the church now to drop off my Fig Funeral Casserole.”
5 - “Does tithing mean giving 1/10th of our fig leaf to the church too?”
6 - “Adam, look what we made at Enrichment Night tonight: We made couch pillows out of coats of skin. Aren’t they cute?”
7 – “Adam, do you know when the next D.I. drive is? I have a ton of stuff I need to get rid of.”
8 – “Eve, I’m going over to the church now to help the Ward clean-up all of those thorns and thistles.”
9 – “Eve, now that I’ve been kicked out of the garden, what will happen to me if I don’t hearken unto you any more?”
10 – “With all of these trees around here, we have more than a two year’s supply of food.”
MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER
HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF
THE LATTER-DAY SAINT CHURCH:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - “Eve, you ate one of those apples? Dang!”
2 - “Adam, I thought for Family Home Evening tonight, we’d talk about being tempted to partake of the tree of life.”
3 - “But, Eve, we don’t have to do our genealogy because we don’t have any ancestors!”
4 - “Adam, I’m going over to the church now to drop off my Fig Funeral Casserole.”
5 - “Does tithing mean giving 1/10th of our fig leaf to the church too?”
6 - “Adam, look what we made at Enrichment Night tonight: We made couch pillows out of coats of skin. Aren’t they cute?”
7 – “Adam, do you know when the next D.I. drive is? I have a ton of stuff I need to get rid of.”
8 – “Eve, I’m going over to the church now to help the Ward clean-up all of those thorns and thistles.”
9 – “Eve, now that I’ve been kicked out of the garden, what will happen to me if I don’t hearken unto you any more?”
10 – “With all of these trees around here, we have more than a two year’s supply of food.”
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
SABBATH DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN ITEMS LDS WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY
TOP TEN ITEMS LDS PEOPLE WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Toilet paper: No comment.
2 - Prescriptions: It’s either that or run the risk of dying.
3 - Gasoline: It’s either that or stay home from church.
4 - Forgotten ingredient in a recipe: It’s either that or throw away good food.
5 - Class treat: It’s either that or deal with an irreverent class and possibly ask to be released.
6 – Poster board: It’s either that or have the class not understand what the heck is being taught.
7 - Baby food: It’s either that or the baby could starve.
8 - Dog food: It’s either that or the dog could starve.
9 – Newspaper: It’s that or miss knowing if the last day is finally here (plus peeking at all of the sports scores).
10 – Cookies/candy/soda: No comment.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Toilet paper: No comment.
2 - Prescriptions: It’s either that or run the risk of dying.
3 - Gasoline: It’s either that or stay home from church.
4 - Forgotten ingredient in a recipe: It’s either that or throw away good food.
5 - Class treat: It’s either that or deal with an irreverent class and possibly ask to be released.
6 – Poster board: It’s either that or have the class not understand what the heck is being taught.
7 - Baby food: It’s either that or the baby could starve.
8 - Dog food: It’s either that or the dog could starve.
9 – Newspaper: It’s that or miss knowing if the last day is finally here (plus peeking at all of the sports scores).
10 – Cookies/candy/soda: No comment.
Friday, February 03, 2006
SUPER BOWL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES THE SUPER BOWL IS AN LDS INSPIRED EVENT
TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES
THE SUPER BOWL IS A TOTALLY INSPIRED
LDS EVENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – As a result of inspiration, Mormon, Lee Johnson's 63-yard punt, in Super Bowl XXIII, was the longest punt in Super Bowl history.
2 – Former Cougar. Jim McMahon -- from church inspired school, BYU -- was responsible for two rushing touchdowns in Super Bowl XX, holding second place in all-time touchdowns scored and rushing touchdowns in a Super Bowl game.
3 - In this year's Super Bowl, Seattle has two former BYU coaches and one former BYU player on its team. The Pittsburgh Steelers have three former BYU defensive linemen on its team.
4 – Mormon, Fred Brown, invented Detroit’s Ford Field Stadium.
5 – Mormon, Sylia Stansworth, designed the seats in the stadium.
6 - Mormon, Philo T. Farnsworth, invented the television so that four billion people all over the world can watch the Super Bowl.
7 – Former friend of many Mormons, Orville B. Redenbacher invented popcorn so we would all have something to eat while watching the game.
8 – Claymation commericials were designed by a company in Provo.
9 – Clydesdale horses were trained by former Mormon, Sonja Johnson.
10 – The air inside the Goodyear Blimp is personally filled by a close friend of Orin Hatch, Ted Kennedy.
THE SUPER BOWL IS A TOTALLY INSPIRED
LDS EVENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – As a result of inspiration, Mormon, Lee Johnson's 63-yard punt, in Super Bowl XXIII, was the longest punt in Super Bowl history.
2 – Former Cougar. Jim McMahon -- from church inspired school, BYU -- was responsible for two rushing touchdowns in Super Bowl XX, holding second place in all-time touchdowns scored and rushing touchdowns in a Super Bowl game.
3 - In this year's Super Bowl, Seattle has two former BYU coaches and one former BYU player on its team. The Pittsburgh Steelers have three former BYU defensive linemen on its team.
4 – Mormon, Fred Brown, invented Detroit’s Ford Field Stadium.
5 – Mormon, Sylia Stansworth, designed the seats in the stadium.
6 - Mormon, Philo T. Farnsworth, invented the television so that four billion people all over the world can watch the Super Bowl.
7 – Former friend of many Mormons, Orville B. Redenbacher invented popcorn so we would all have something to eat while watching the game.
8 – Claymation commericials were designed by a company in Provo.
9 – Clydesdale horses were trained by former Mormon, Sonja Johnson.
10 – The air inside the Goodyear Blimp is personally filled by a close friend of Orin Hatch, Ted Kennedy.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
RIGHTFUL BREAKING NEWS: LDS BILL OF RIGHTS
TOP TEN LDS BILL OF RIGHTS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - I have the right to sit in the same seat at church because it’s the only place I feel truly inspired.
2 - I have the right to keep every compassionate service dish I have received and neglected to return the last six years.
3 - I have the right to not give a lesson once a year because I’d rather talk about the Super Bowl instead.
4 - I have the right to believe I might still be going to the Celestial Kingdom, even though I just got back from Wendover.
5 - I have the right to crash anything my home teaching families might be in the middle of -- including sleeping, family parties or grandpa dying on the family couch because I believe so strongly in the home teaching program.
6 - I have the right to criticize what my neighbor does on Sunday, even though what I do on Saturday is probably worse.
7 - I have the right to put lipstick on my lips and tell the Primary children I am going to kiss them if they don’t sing because, by doing this, they actually do sing louder.
8 - I have the right to knock on my neighbor’s door, at any chosen moment, and scream, “The end of the world is here!” because this might make him want to finally take the missionary discussions.
9 - I have the right to consider myself as having read the Book or Mormon, even though I have never gotten past the “compare to Isaiah” part.
10 - I have the right to put whatever I want into the church hymnal holder because my tithing helps pay for this and it looks so much like a mini-trashcan holder too.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - I have the right to sit in the same seat at church because it’s the only place I feel truly inspired.
2 - I have the right to keep every compassionate service dish I have received and neglected to return the last six years.
3 - I have the right to not give a lesson once a year because I’d rather talk about the Super Bowl instead.
4 - I have the right to believe I might still be going to the Celestial Kingdom, even though I just got back from Wendover.
5 - I have the right to crash anything my home teaching families might be in the middle of -- including sleeping, family parties or grandpa dying on the family couch because I believe so strongly in the home teaching program.
6 - I have the right to criticize what my neighbor does on Sunday, even though what I do on Saturday is probably worse.
7 - I have the right to put lipstick on my lips and tell the Primary children I am going to kiss them if they don’t sing because, by doing this, they actually do sing louder.
8 - I have the right to knock on my neighbor’s door, at any chosen moment, and scream, “The end of the world is here!” because this might make him want to finally take the missionary discussions.
9 - I have the right to consider myself as having read the Book or Mormon, even though I have never gotten past the “compare to Isaiah” part.
10 - I have the right to put whatever I want into the church hymnal holder because my tithing helps pay for this and it looks so much like a mini-trashcan holder too.
Friday, January 27, 2006
NURSERY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ABLE
TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Sorry, but I have a bad back and I'm not supposed to pick up any children.
2 – Sorry, but I have a contagious disease and I don’t want to get any of the children sick.
3 – Sorry, but I’ll be on vacation (a vacation that was just planned).
4 – Sorry but I won’t be attending church that Sunday (a decision that was just made).
5 – I never had any kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
6 – I;ve had twelve kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
7 – Sorry, but I go to church to receive inspiration and the nursery is just not inspired.
8 – Sorry, but I get sick at the sight of snot.
9 – Sorry, but I’m afraid I might be a child abuser and I wouldn’t want to put any of the children’s physical safety in danger.
10 – Sorry, but I suffer from kleptomania and I cannot put myself in a position where I might steal the children’s toys or food or any of their other belongings.
TO SUBSTITUTE IN THE NURSERY:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Sorry, but I have a bad back and I'm not supposed to pick up any children.
2 – Sorry, but I have a contagious disease and I don’t want to get any of the children sick.
3 – Sorry, but I’ll be on vacation (a vacation that was just planned).
4 – Sorry but I won’t be attending church that Sunday (a decision that was just made).
5 – I never had any kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
6 – I;ve had twelve kids of my own, why would I want to take care of everyone else’s?
7 – Sorry, but I go to church to receive inspiration and the nursery is just not inspired.
8 – Sorry, but I get sick at the sight of snot.
9 – Sorry, but I’m afraid I might be a child abuser and I wouldn’t want to put any of the children’s physical safety in danger.
10 – Sorry, but I suffer from kleptomania and I cannot put myself in a position where I might steal the children’s toys or food or any of their other belongings.
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