BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS OF A LDS MONDAY MORNING HANGOVER

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS OF A
LDS MONDAY MORNING HANGOVER

by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - EYES:
Swollen from too much napping.

2 - BACK:
Painful from too much time spent
laying on the couch.

3 - NECK:
Stiff from awkward sleeping position
in Sacrament Meeting.

4 - ANKLES:
Swollen from sitting for three hours straight.

5 - STOMACH:
Queezy from too many layers of junk food.

6 - HEAD:
Aches from too many hours spent with
immediate and extended family.

7 - MOUTH:
Hurts from too much smiling.

8 - BRAIN:
Cramped out of restraint from
expressing true feelings.

9 - THROAT:
Sore from yelling at everyone to be quiet
so TV can be heard.

10 - EARS
Tired from having to listen
to so many people talk
about stuff that's actually
not all that interesting.

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN FAVORITE GENEAOLOGIST SAYINGS

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN FAVORITE
GENEALOGIST SAYINGS

by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Over all of your ancestor's dead bodies!

2 -
What the endless freakin'
research are you doing?

3 -
If your great, great, great, great
grandmother heard that, she'd...!

4 -
I'll bet your great, great, great, great
grandfather just rolled over in his grave!

5 -
That's about as believable as
somebody findin' the 1890 census!

6 -
Somebody ought to take that family chain and ...!

7 -
You think that's hard,
you should try finding your Great, Great Uncle Charlie
in the entire state of Tennessee.

8 -
That is more "out there" than
discovering your great grandfather was a medicine man!

9 -
Stop beatin' everything to death!

10 -
It's not like it's the end of the world!

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE EARLY TO THE LATE SCHEDULE

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN GOOD THINGS
ABOUT THE LATE SCHEDULE
by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
You get to sleep in.

2 -
You get to stay in your pajamas until 1 p.m.

3 -
Because Mormons tend to sin more as the Sabbath Day wears on,
there's less opportunity to sin.

4 -
You can go into a deeper sleep during Sacrament meeting.

5 -
You can go into a deeper a nap during Sunday School.

6 -
You can go into a deeper nap during the third hour.

7 -
It's warmer out in the winter.

8 -
You get to sit in an air conditioned building
during the summer.

9 -
The most boring part of the Sunday TV schedule
is during your church time.

10 -
You look more relaxed than the
early schedule people who are leaving the building.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS NEW SCRAPBOOK PHRASEOLOGIES

TOP TEN LDS SCRAPBOOKER'S
NEW PHRASEOLOGIES
(Dedicated to the vieve)

by

Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Scrapbooker's new swear word:
What the scrapbook is going on here?

2 -
Fear of scrapbooking:
Scrapbookaphobia

3 -
Medical condition of raw fingers
from scrapbooking too long:
Scrapbookitus

4 -
Person who is addicted to scrapbooking:
Scrapbookaholic

5 -
Person who looks too long at
scrapbooking items on the internet:
Scrapbook porn

6 -
The official removal of scrapbooking from your life:
A scrapbookectomy

7 -
The incredible stress relief
found as a result of scrapbooking:
Scrapbook therapy

8 -
Really great scrapbooking:
Scrapbookelicious!

9 -
Disorder that comes as a result of
inability to scrapbook:
Post Traumatic Scrapbook Disorder

10 -
Place where all scrapbookers believe they will go
after this life is over:
Scrapbook Heaven

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS LICENSE PLATE FRAMES

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS LICENSE FRAMES:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF...
by Bettyanne Bruin

1:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHOCOLATE

2:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DIET COKE

3.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHILDREN

4:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE SCRIPTURES

5:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF PRAYER

6:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHOOSING THE RIGHT

7.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF MY ANCESTORS

8.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SCRAPBOOKING

9.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF TEN SCOUTS

10.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF
PREPARING MY SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON

TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
LDS PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY BROKEN:
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

1. Exercise daily.

2. Read scriptures daily.

3. Pray daily.

4. Eat less chocolate.

5. Cut down on soda.

6. Be nicer.

7. Be calmer.

8. Eat less food.

9. Watch less television.

10. Don't worry so much/have more faith.

I’m still trying to get my blog up and running. My computer will not allow me to blog BECAUSE IT’S BRAND NEW! (The caps on that comment will make sense after you read my latest entry posted below). But, anyway, I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving.

Top Ten Things LDS People Love to Brag/Whine About:

1 – It’s so horrible, I HAVE WRITTEN IN MY JOURNAL EVERY DAY SINCE 1962 and I can’t find the kind of journal books I like to write in any more.

2 – I am sooooo tired. I have just canned 40 JARS OF PEACHES. I can’t believe I could be so stupid to ever think I could do such a thing.

3 – Can you believe how much tithing we pay? I mean LAST YEAR ALONE I PAID $20,000 IN TITHING!

4 – I love my Young Women’s calling, even though I had to STAY UP ALL NIGHT to make twenty pairs of pajama bottoms for every girl that’s going to camp. Can you believe that? We’ve got twenty girls going to camp!

5 – This week I HAVE to teach Gospel Doctrine, plus give a talk in Sacrament Meeting and say a prayer in RS/PH. I sure hope I don’t get laryngitis!

6 – I can’t believe how much money I spend on stupid little postage stamps each month. WRITING 10 MISSIONARIES can actually be expensive!

7 – Feel how heavy this scripture bag is. BY THE TIME I BRING MY SCRIPTURES AND ALL OF THE SUPPORTIVE MATERIAL I READ EACH WEEK FOR THE CLASSES I ATTEND, this thing weighs about 10 pounds! No wonder I have back problems.

8 – WE HAVE SO MUCH FOOD STORAGE that we’re thinking about BUILDING A NEW GARAGE. It’s amazing how much food storage a family needs WHEN A FAMILY’S REALLY PREPARED.

9 – It’s amazing how many bruises I get each week playing basketball. I DIDN’T EVEN GET THIS MANY WHEN I PLAYED FOR OKLAHOMA STATE!

10 – I had so many dishes to do after Thanksgiving BECAUSE WE HAVE SUCH A LARGE FAMILY!!!

SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT DURING SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS

Top Ten Things LDS People
Think About During
Sunday School Class:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – How long the teacher spent preparing the lesson.
2 – How much the teacher’s outfit may have cost
and where he or she bought it.
3 – What they’re going to have for lunch
and if they’re out of bread.
4 – Who’s winning the NFL game.
5 – What are the chances of really making it
into the Celestial kingdom.
6 – Who, in the class, might have committed
the biggest sin during the week and what it was.
7 – Who sets up the chairs
and how often do they clean them
8 – What is that spot on the floor from?
9 – Where are we, in the order of the signs
of the last days, and how long do we have
before the Second Coming really arrives?
10 – Why did they decide to wallpaper this room blue?

FAMILY HOME EVENING BREAKING NEWS: OFFICIAL FAMILY HOME EVENING ASSIGNMENTS

OFFICIAL FAMILY HOME EVENING ASSIGNMENTS
By Bettyanne Bruin

1 – FHE Opening Prayer
2 – FHE Lesson
3 – FHE Closing Prayer
4 – FHE Refreshments
5 - FHE Referee/Mediator
6 – FHE Phone Monitor
7 – FHE Official Timekeeper
8 – FHE Remote Control Hider
9 – FHE Activity Emergency Medical Technician
10 – FHE Keep-the-Family-Awake Specialist

COLUMBUS BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS DISCOVERIES

COLUMBUS BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN LDS DISCOVERIES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - A lot can be accomplished on the last day of the month.

2 - Getting hit by a folding chair, during a basketball game, really hurts.

3 - There is no such thing as a good looking ancestor.

4 - Cheerios are just as good eaten dry.

5 - Refreshments can make any event a success.

6 - Scrapbooking costs as much as a home mortgage

7 - Scouting is only for the completely insane.

8 - Sunday School is mostly intended to keep Mormons from breaking the Sabbath.

9 – Ten kids in one room for two hours can actually cause germs to grow.

10 – Certain male tones, sustained long enough, can cause anyone to fall asleep

THANK YOU, HAPPYJELLYBEAN READERS!!!

I have thoroughly enjoyed
doing this website and
appreciate your visits.
Someone e-mailed me recently
to tell me there was an
anti-Mormon ad on this site.
That's horrible and I do apologize!
My intention is only to have fun
with the church that has made my life
as fun and wonderful as it is.
I wrote google and asked them
to remove this ad.
If this continues, please let me know.
The fun WILL continue!
Thanks for being who you are.
Because of your visits happyjellybeans
has topped the 20,000 hit mark!

GENERAL CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SOUVENIRS TO TAKE HOME FROM GENERAL CONFERENCE

TOP TEN SOUVENIRS
TO TAKE BACK HOME
FROM GENERAL CONFERENCE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 -

A set of polygamist

nesting dolls.

2 -

A mug that says,

“Eat, drink and be merry

for tomorrow you could be

at Scout Camp.”

3 -

A snow dome with people inside

lined up outside

the Conference Center doors

4 -

A T-shirt that says,

"I survived the conference center

traffic jam!"

5 -

A bumper sticker that says,

“My other car is a school bus.”

6 -

A mini replica of Trax

with people jammed in it

like a 60’s telephone booth.

7 -

The seagull monument

made of hardened fry sauce.

8 -

A salt container that says

“Utah is the salt of the Earth.”

9 -

A hand bag as large as

a semi-truck trailer that says,

“This is almost big enough

to hold all of my scrapbooking material."

10 -

A map that only shows locations

where junk food is sold.

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS: WHAT NEVER TO CALL A LDS GENEALOGY STORE

WHAT NEVER TO CALL A LDS GENEALOGY STORE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Death Becomes Us
2 - ‘Til Death Do Us Never Part
3 - Got Ancestors?
4 – As the Grave Turns
5 – Ancestors R Us
6 – Caskets B U
7 – Urns and Things
8 - The Big Sleep Happens Here
9 – And it to Came to Passing On
10 – Dying to Research
11 – Beyond the Grave

PIONEER BREAKING NEWS: IF LDS PEOPLE HAD TO WALK ACROSS THE PLAINS TODAY, TOP TEN ITEMS THEY'D HAVE TO TAKE WITH THEM!

IF LDS PEOPLE HAD TO
WALK ACROSS THE PLAINS TODAY,
TOP TEN ITEMS THEY'D
HAVE TO TAKE WITH THEM:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Cases and cases and cases of de-caf, diet soda
2 – Cases and cases and cases of chips
3 – Cases and cases and cases of cookies
4 – Barrels of fry sauce
4 – Wagon loads of candy
5 – Battery-operated TV/DVD, plus remote control with a wagon load of batteries7 – iPod with wagon loads of batteries
8 – Cell phone with wagon loads of batteries
9 – Wagon loads of scrapbooking materials
10 – Wagon loads of basketballs

GENERAL CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN COMMENTS OVERHEARD WHILE STANDING IN LINE FOR GENERAL CONFERENCE

TOP TEN COMMENTS OVERHEARD
WHILE STANDING IN LINE FOR
GENERAL CONFERENCE

(By Bettyanne Bruin )

1 –

I wonder if the line’ll be this long

to get into Heaven!

2 –

I wouldn’t even stand in a line this long

to meet my eternal companion!

3 –

How many of us in this line

do you think are related?

4 –

With a line this long,

it’s amazing we don’t drink!

5 -

I hope we don’t find out this is the line

to use the restroom!

6 –

And the pioneers thought they had it rough

crossing the plains!

7 –

I guess this is what the scriptures mean

when they say, “Endure to the end!”

8 –

Just think, if we keep doing missionary work,

this line’ll be even longer!

9 –

Just think, Honey, this line could represent

all of our posterity!

10 –

You’d think in a line this long

they could at least serve refreshments!

SABBATH DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST POPULAR TIMES FOR LDS PEOPLE TO PREPARE THEIR SUNDAY LESSON

TOP TEN MOST POPULAR TIMES FOR LDS
PEOPLE PREPARE TO THEIR SUNDAY LESSON:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - While falling asleep Saturday night or
2 - While waking up Sunday morning or
3 - While sitting on the toilet Sunday morning or
4 - While brushing teeth Sunday morning or
5 - While bathing or showering Sunday morning or
6 – While doing hair, getting dressed
and putting on socks and shoes Sunday morning or
7 - While eating breakfast Sunday morning or
8 - While driving to church Sunday morning or
9 - During Sacrament meeting or
10 - While teaching the lesson.

YOUNG MEN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST SUCCESSFUL YOUNG MEN'S ACTIVITIES

TOP TEN MOST SUCCESSFUL
YOUNG MEN'S ACTIVITIES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1- Play basketball, then have root beer floats!
2 – Play basketball while making plans for upcoming scout trip!
3 – Hold a basketball skills camp!
4 - Learn how to be a good sport while playing basketball!
5 – Play basketball while discussing how to activate inactives!
6 – Have Young Men introduce themselves, then play basketball!
7 – Play basketball while discussing going on a mission!
8 – Play basketball while discussing dating do’s and don’ts!
9 – Invite inactives to play basketball!
10 – Play basketball while having testimony meeting!

CONFECTION BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LOUDEST TO QUIETEST CANDY FOR SACRAMENT MEETING

Top Ten Loudest to Quietest
Candy for Sacrament Meeting
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Pop Rocks
2 ­- Jolly Ranchers
3 – Smarties
4 - Tic Tacs
5 - Nerds
6 – Tootsie Pop
7 – Lifesavers
8 – Taffy
9 - Starburst
10 – Gum

FILM BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN UPCOMING LDS MOVIES

TOP TEN UPCOMING LDS MOVIES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1 - The Revenge of the Mailbox: The old lady, Lethe decides to write letters back to her family that have ignored her for so long.

2 – De-cipher in the Snow: A family from rural Utah tries to decipher a sign in the snow that reads, “You Call Me to be the Next Den Leader and I’ll...” Who wrote this sign and why?

3 – Johnny Lingo and the One Cow Girlfriend He Took to the Prom: This is the story behind the real moohala girlfriend Johnny Lingo loved first and why SHE dumped HIM!

4 – Sunday Morning Warriors: This is a film about all of those early morning spunky, smiley ward members everyone wants to squish, if they were real bugs.

5 – It May be My Turn on Earth, But It’s Your Turn to be Scout Leader: One person's quest to overcome one of Earth's biggest obstacles: working in the scouting program.

6 - Out of the Mouth of BYU Babes: Movie has been cancelled due to inability to locate any real babes.

7 – Martyrs and Mormons: The Real Story of the Relief Society sisters: One question: can you be a martyr and be happy?

8 - Church Basketball Claims Settled Out of Court: This reality film is based on real live court cases.

9 - Mormons at Our Barbeque: See how much food a LDS family can really eat when they show up at a neighbor's barbeque.

10 - Man’s Search for Happiness at a BYU/UofU game: While BYU is losing can man still find happiness?

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN TEACH A MORMON TO....

TOP TEN TEACH A MORMON TO...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1 - Teach a Mormon man to be determined
and he’ll beat his fellow quorum leaders
to make sure his team wins every Ward basketball game!

2 - Teach a Mormon woman to be thrifty
and she’ll knock over small children,
old ladies and store shelves
to be first in line for a scrapbooking sale.

3 - Teach a Mormon to be prepared
and they’ll fill wheat silos,
purchase armored cars,
acquire bullet proof vests as well as an AK 47
to make sure they’re prepared
for whatever comes their way.

4 - Teach a Mormon to have family ties
and they’ll picnic on their ancestor’s graves.

5 - Teach a Mormon woman to be a 100 percenter
and she’ll knock on your door at midnight,
pull you out of bed
and make sure her Visiting Teaching is done.

6 - Teach a Mormon to have fun
and they’ll laugh their way
through a loved one’s funeral.

7 - Teach a Mormon to sacrifice
and they’ll give up anything
and everything (every organ included)
unless it’s their chocolate, Coke or Pepsi.

8 - Teach a Mormon to be nice
and they will…
until someone steals their seat in church.

9 - Teach a Mormon to be obedient
and they will…unless they’re late for church.

10 – Teach a Mormon to