GENERAL CONFERENCE GREETING CARDS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Wish you were here
watching conference with us,
but we understand
that sometimes
things get in the way.
Ever since you had
that nervous break down
after discovering you had glued
all the pages of your scrapbooks together,
life just hasn’t been the same.
Get well soon, Mom.
We love you!
Thinking of you on this day ...
draped over the arm of your chair
like a rag doll napping,
reading the paper with it held so close to you
and high enough that we didn't even know you were there,
wrestling all of us ‘til we cried,
then picking on, Bobby, the family dog.
Ah, the happy moments we shared.
Thanks for everything
and Happy General Conference Day, Dad.
Every other day of the year, you get out of bed early.
But, today, stay in your pajamas,
don’t get out of bed,
don’t brush your teeth
or take a shower,
eat your scrambled eggs and toast in bed
with crumbs dropping all over your sheets
‘CAUSE IT'S GENERAL CONFERENCE SUNDAY!!!
Thank goodness we're LDS!
Thank you for teaching me how to surf the TV channels,
then land on the Conference channel
just in time for the testimony.
You’re the greatest, Dad!
Shut the shades.
Put on a mask.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Take the phone off the hook.
Ignore the banging that WILL come to your front door.
It's General Conference Sunday!
Wear ear plugs.
In fact, hide in the closet.
You deserve to have one day to yourself, Bishop.
And have a great Happy General Conference Sunday.
Here’s hoping that while flipping back and forth
between all of the NFL games
and General Conference
that you will not miss out
on the announcement
that the millennium has begun!
Happy General Conference Sunday!!!
I remember all the Sundays we’d watch conference:
The junk food,
the fights,
the messy house,
the series of lengthy naps.
Thanks for creating such good memories
and traditions that will last a lifetime, Mom.
Grandma,
remember how you used to bake
those molasses cookies
and make us sit up straight for two hours?
Now that my back has recovered
and my digestive system has returned to normal,
I can honestly say,
thanks for the memories.
Happy General Conference Sunday, Grandma.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
PORPOURRI BREAKING NEWS: LDS NEWS YOU CAN USE
LDS NEWS YOU CAN USE:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Congratulations to "T". Your answers to Primary Remix Titles are correct:
1. The Golden Plates
2. I Hope They Call Me on a Mission
3. Popcorn Popping (On the Apricot Tree)
4. Pioneer Children Sang as They Walked
5. I Am a Child of God
6. Hello, Friends (?)Great site!
Well, we've give you a Primary win on 6 -- the answer really is:
Hello, Hello!
More happyjellybeans :
Someone from Sandy, when she was younger, she believed the 13th Article of Faith read:
We believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant!
(Needless to say, she was a little afraid of this one.)
Other misunderstood Articles of Faith include:
#4: We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on our vans for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
#11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dig dates of our
old con chins, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
#6: We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, Eve's jealous, and so forth.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Congratulations to "T". Your answers to Primary Remix Titles are correct:
1. The Golden Plates
2. I Hope They Call Me on a Mission
3. Popcorn Popping (On the Apricot Tree)
4. Pioneer Children Sang as They Walked
5. I Am a Child of God
6. Hello, Friends (?)Great site!
Well, we've give you a Primary win on 6 -- the answer really is:
Hello, Hello!
More happyjellybeans :
Someone from Sandy, when she was younger, she believed the 13th Article of Faith read:
We believe in being honest, true and chased by an elephant!
(Needless to say, she was a little afraid of this one.)
Other misunderstood Articles of Faith include:
#4: We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on our vans for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
#11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dig dates of our
old con chins, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
#6: We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, Eve's jealous, and so forth.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
DYING BREAKING NEWS: EPITAPHS FOR LDS PEOPLE
EPTIAPHS FOR LDS PEOPLE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
LDS Genealogist: Finally able to locate
that one relative
whose records were burned
in the 1890 fire.
LDS Home Teacher: Tell all my families
I won’t be visiting them
this month either.
LDS High Priest: Every Sunday in High Priest’s Quorum,
I practiced for this moment.
LDS Ward Clerk: Gone to Heaven to count souls.
LDS Primary Teacher: I just hope they serve good treats there.
LDS Nursery Leaders: Even if I go to hell, it can’t be any worse
than where I’ve just been.
LDS Relief Society President: Goin’ to eat that great casserole in the sky.
LDS Basketball Player: Hopefully they have good refs there.
LDS Sunday School: Thank goodness I'll never
have to find another substitute again.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
LDS Genealogist: Finally able to locate
that one relative
whose records were burned
in the 1890 fire.
LDS Home Teacher: Tell all my families
I won’t be visiting them
this month either.
LDS High Priest: Every Sunday in High Priest’s Quorum,
I practiced for this moment.
LDS Ward Clerk: Gone to Heaven to count souls.
LDS Primary Teacher: I just hope they serve good treats there.
LDS Nursery Leaders: Even if I go to hell, it can’t be any worse
than where I’ve just been.
LDS Relief Society President: Goin’ to eat that great casserole in the sky.
LDS Basketball Player: Hopefully they have good refs there.
LDS Sunday School: Thank goodness I'll never
have to find another substitute again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: APPLICATION TO BE A SCOUTMASTER
Application to be a Scoutmaster:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:___/___/___ Height:_____
Weight:_____I.Q.:______ G.P.A.:______
Soc. Sec.#______-___-____
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Current felony convictions: Yes___No____
Time spent in prison?_____ Explain:_______
Home Address or P.O. Box:_______________ City/State/Zip_______________________
Cell phone number:________________
Best time to call, when cell phone is not subject to disconnection:___________
Do you own any of the following:
a. Gun?____
b. Rifle?____
c. Machine gun?_____
d. Hand grenades?____
e. Nuclear weapons?_____
f. Beebee gun?_____
g. Bow/arrows?_____
h. Stun gun?_____
i. Mace?______
j. Numchucks?_____
k. Matches?_____
l. Gasoline?_____
m. Fertilizer?______
n. Large rocks?_____
Do you have any of the following:
a. Tatoos_____
b. Fatigues______
c. Caps that sit too high on head______
Favorite swear word?_____________
How often used?______________
Under what conditions?______________
(Please know that answering YES to any
of the above questions, will not disqualify
you from being a Scoutmaster.
This form is a necessary requirement
so the scouts and parents can get to know
you better.)
In 30 words or less,
what does the word "LOST" mean to you? _______________________________
In 30 words or less,
what do the words "KEEP AN EYE ON ALL
SCOUTS AT ALL TIMES” mean to you? ______________________________
Please feel free to all of the following questions freely.
All answers are confidential.
a. If a Scout is lost or injured while under your care,
and you were beaten as a result,
the last bone you would like broken is: __________________________________
b. The one thing you hope this application
does not ask you is:
_________________________________
PLEASE NOTE: Should any of the questions be
answered dishonestly, please continue
to fill out application. We realize everyone
has their problems and the Scouting
program has its needs.
Please agree to the following statement:
I swear that all information provided above is true
and correct to the best of my knowledge
under penalty of death, dismemberment,
electrocution, and/or being dragged
over a flaming fire pit.
_____________________________
Sign here (This means sign you.)
Thank you for your interest in the Scouting program.
As each and every application is automatically approved,
please go home and start packing. The Scouts await
your leadership and we appreciate your willingness
to take sixteen unruly boys out into the middle of nowhere,
live under dire circumstances and somehow
keep your sanity and/or willingness to seek counseling
or serve time. If there is anything we can do to help you,
please don’t bother calling us as we have had disconnected
our phones and only desire to wish you the best of luck
in your Scouting ventures.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:___/___/___ Height:_____
Weight:_____I.Q.:______ G.P.A.:______
Soc. Sec.#______-___-____
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Current felony convictions: Yes___No____
Time spent in prison?_____ Explain:_______
Home Address or P.O. Box:_______________ City/State/Zip_______________________
Cell phone number:________________
Best time to call, when cell phone is not subject to disconnection:___________
Do you own any of the following:
a. Gun?____
b. Rifle?____
c. Machine gun?_____
d. Hand grenades?____
e. Nuclear weapons?_____
f. Beebee gun?_____
g. Bow/arrows?_____
h. Stun gun?_____
i. Mace?______
j. Numchucks?_____
k. Matches?_____
l. Gasoline?_____
m. Fertilizer?______
n. Large rocks?_____
Do you have any of the following:
a. Tatoos_____
b. Fatigues______
c. Caps that sit too high on head______
Favorite swear word?_____________
How often used?______________
Under what conditions?______________
(Please know that answering YES to any
of the above questions, will not disqualify
you from being a Scoutmaster.
This form is a necessary requirement
so the scouts and parents can get to know
you better.)
In 30 words or less,
what does the word "LOST" mean to you? _______________________________
In 30 words or less,
what do the words "KEEP AN EYE ON ALL
SCOUTS AT ALL TIMES” mean to you? ______________________________
Please feel free to all of the following questions freely.
All answers are confidential.
a. If a Scout is lost or injured while under your care,
and you were beaten as a result,
the last bone you would like broken is: __________________________________
b. The one thing you hope this application
does not ask you is:
_________________________________
PLEASE NOTE: Should any of the questions be
answered dishonestly, please continue
to fill out application. We realize everyone
has their problems and the Scouting
program has its needs.
Please agree to the following statement:
I swear that all information provided above is true
and correct to the best of my knowledge
under penalty of death, dismemberment,
electrocution, and/or being dragged
over a flaming fire pit.
_____________________________
Sign here (This means sign you.)
Thank you for your interest in the Scouting program.
As each and every application is automatically approved,
please go home and start packing. The Scouts await
your leadership and we appreciate your willingness
to take sixteen unruly boys out into the middle of nowhere,
live under dire circumstances and somehow
keep your sanity and/or willingness to seek counseling
or serve time. If there is anything we can do to help you,
please don’t bother calling us as we have had disconnected
our phones and only desire to wish you the best of luck
in your Scouting ventures.
Friday, September 16, 2005
JUST IN TIME FOR SUNDAY BREAKING NEWS: HURRY: LAST MINUTE IDEAS FOR TEACHING SUNDAY SCHOOL
HURRY: LAST MINUTE IDEAS FOR TEACHING SUNDAY SCHOOL:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Read the lesson manual carefully, prayerfully consider the contents and teach the class accordingly.
Second: Re-teach a lesson you gave thirty years ago when the Brady Bunch were in.
Third: Read an article from the Ensign and try to “humbly” summarize its message.
Fourth: Invite a visitor to come in and speak, impromptu, about a certain Gospel subject -- usually a good friend, neighbor, spouse or a child -- preferably someone who's Mormon.
Fifth: Do a Google search on "Successful LDS Sunday School Lessons" on the internet and find something that has worked in other Wards.
Sixth: Tell the class that today is discussion day, toss out a topic and pray it doesn’t lead to an apostate subject.
Seventh: Tell a class member that you suddenly feel inspired to have him or her teach your class.
Eighth: Write the missionaries.
Ninth: Play hang man over and over and over again, avoiding, for as long as you can, the raised hand of the person who knows the answer.
Tenth: If all else fails... call in with a sudden emergency.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
First: Read the lesson manual carefully, prayerfully consider the contents and teach the class accordingly.
Second: Re-teach a lesson you gave thirty years ago when the Brady Bunch were in.
Third: Read an article from the Ensign and try to “humbly” summarize its message.
Fourth: Invite a visitor to come in and speak, impromptu, about a certain Gospel subject -- usually a good friend, neighbor, spouse or a child -- preferably someone who's Mormon.
Fifth: Do a Google search on "Successful LDS Sunday School Lessons" on the internet and find something that has worked in other Wards.
Sixth: Tell the class that today is discussion day, toss out a topic and pray it doesn’t lead to an apostate subject.
Seventh: Tell a class member that you suddenly feel inspired to have him or her teach your class.
Eighth: Write the missionaries.
Ninth: Play hang man over and over and over again, avoiding, for as long as you can, the raised hand of the person who knows the answer.
Tenth: If all else fails... call in with a sudden emergency.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
'TIS THE SEASON BREAKING NEWS: THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF CANNING
The Do’s and Don’ts of Canning:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Grandma Randy
Do can peaches.
Do not can hot dogs.
Do eat the food you can.
Do not eat the food you can if the food was canned by your great, great grandmother.
Do save the jars to be reused.
Do not save the lids, unless the Relief Society has figured out a way to use them in an inexpensive Christmas wreath.
Do use jars for other things like making dry, stackable soup or cookie ingredients that can be given to neighbors, and never used, for Christmas or for storing nails, tacks and other things in the garage.
Do not use jars as bowling pins.
Do use the jar rings for beautiful Christmas ornaments to adorn your Christmas tree or to cut dough to make doughnuts.
Do not use the jar rings for earrings, no matter how much the Relief Society tells you how they are the most current fad.
Do use the jar lifter to lift jars from cooker.
Do not use the jar lifter as a back scratcher in front of house guests.
Do use the jar cooker to boils jars of fruit.
Do not use the jar cooker to bathe the family pet.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Grandma Randy
Do can peaches.
Do not can hot dogs.
Do eat the food you can.
Do not eat the food you can if the food was canned by your great, great grandmother.
Do save the jars to be reused.
Do not save the lids, unless the Relief Society has figured out a way to use them in an inexpensive Christmas wreath.
Do use jars for other things like making dry, stackable soup or cookie ingredients that can be given to neighbors, and never used, for Christmas or for storing nails, tacks and other things in the garage.
Do not use jars as bowling pins.
Do use the jar rings for beautiful Christmas ornaments to adorn your Christmas tree or to cut dough to make doughnuts.
Do not use the jar rings for earrings, no matter how much the Relief Society tells you how they are the most current fad.
Do use the jar lifter to lift jars from cooker.
Do not use the jar lifter as a back scratcher in front of house guests.
Do use the jar cooker to boils jars of fruit.
Do not use the jar cooker to bathe the family pet.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
BREAKING NEWS IN DA HOOD: PRIMARY SONGS REMIXED
TITLES OF PRIMARY SONGS REMIXED:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
D'em Bling, Bling Corelle’s That Yo Mama Gives You Supper On
I’z Be Crossin’ My Fingers Dat Someday I’z Goes Tryin’ To Gets People To Agree To Be Dunked In D’em Waters
Look at All D'em Kernels Goin' To Town on Dat Piece of Fruit Bearin' Nature
All D’em Shorties In De’m Tied-Under-the-Chin Hoods Dropped De’m Rhymes As D’ey Footed D’ere Way Across D’em Mountains
I Be From Da Man Above
Wha’s Up, Hey Dawg
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
D'em Bling, Bling Corelle’s That Yo Mama Gives You Supper On
I’z Be Crossin’ My Fingers Dat Someday I’z Goes Tryin’ To Gets People To Agree To Be Dunked In D’em Waters
Look at All D'em Kernels Goin' To Town on Dat Piece of Fruit Bearin' Nature
All D’em Shorties In De’m Tied-Under-the-Chin Hoods Dropped De’m Rhymes As D’ey Footed D’ere Way Across D’em Mountains
I Be From Da Man Above
Wha’s Up, Hey Dawg
Monday, September 12, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS IS BACK WITH THREE BRAND NEW, YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, LDS CRAZY THOUGHTS!!!!
HAPPYJELLYBEANS IS BACK!!!!
AND JUST WHERE WAS HJB? HJB WENT ON VACATION!!!
WISH YOU COULD'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!!
BUT, WHILE ON VACATION, HAPPYJELLYBEANS NOTICED/THOUGHT OF/DILLUSIONED THE FOLLOWING:
(Now, don't go gettin' all ADHD on me. I've actually included TWO LDS thoughts for the day, to make up for my neglect: LDS Pronounced vs. English Pronounced Words and Things You'll Only Ever Find at a BYU Football Game)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WHAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING OF THE FOLLOWING LDS-PRONOUNCED WORDS?
(Example sentences used, for your convenience.)
Ki-en: "Hey, leave that ki-en alone. It's having ki-ens."
Shu-up: "No, you shu-up!"
Bu-on: "Oh no, I lost my bu-on."
Moun-ain: "Oh, wow, look at them pretty moun-ains."
Lay-on: "I live in Lay-on."
Mi-ens: "It's cold out. I think I'll put on my mi-ens."
Cur-ains: "Those cur-ains are filthy."
Fla-ened: "Now look. My bread is all fla-aned."
Go-en: "I should have go-en up at 8, but I slept in."
Hi-in’: "Quit hi-in' your sister!"
Ge-in’: "I should be ge-in' home, how 'bout you?"
Le-in’: "I keep le-in' the dog in and now Mom's mad at me."
Nu-in’: "I'm not doin' nu-in'. Why? Wanna do some-hin?
Pu-in’: "I keep pu-in' salt in my cereal instead of sugar."
THINGS YOU'LL ONLY EVER SEE
AT A BYU FOOTBALL GAME:
Fresh, homemade scones
Popcorn
Fans drinking milk
10,000 female fans wearing engagement rings
10,000 men yelling, "Shoot," each time a player fumbles the ball
Fans doing their home/visiting teaching during half-time
21,998 smiling faces
A "wave" that lasts nearly a full quarter
Pinkie CTR rings instead of pinkie football rings
Fully clothed cheerleaders
AND JUST WHERE WAS HJB? HJB WENT ON VACATION!!!
WISH YOU COULD'VE ALL BEEN THERE!!!!
BUT, WHILE ON VACATION, HAPPYJELLYBEANS NOTICED/THOUGHT OF/DILLUSIONED THE FOLLOWING:
(Now, don't go gettin' all ADHD on me. I've actually included TWO LDS thoughts for the day, to make up for my neglect: LDS Pronounced vs. English Pronounced Words and Things You'll Only Ever Find at a BYU Football Game)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
WHAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING OF THE FOLLOWING LDS-PRONOUNCED WORDS?
(Example sentences used, for your convenience.)
Ki-en: "Hey, leave that ki-en alone. It's having ki-ens."
Shu-up: "No, you shu-up!"
Bu-on: "Oh no, I lost my bu-on."
Moun-ain: "Oh, wow, look at them pretty moun-ains."
Lay-on: "I live in Lay-on."
Mi-ens: "It's cold out. I think I'll put on my mi-ens."
Cur-ains: "Those cur-ains are filthy."
Fla-ened: "Now look. My bread is all fla-aned."
Go-en: "I should have go-en up at 8, but I slept in."
Hi-in’: "Quit hi-in' your sister!"
Ge-in’: "I should be ge-in' home, how 'bout you?"
Le-in’: "I keep le-in' the dog in and now Mom's mad at me."
Nu-in’: "I'm not doin' nu-in'. Why? Wanna do some-hin?
Pu-in’: "I keep pu-in' salt in my cereal instead of sugar."
THINGS YOU'LL ONLY EVER SEE
AT A BYU FOOTBALL GAME:
Fresh, homemade scones
Popcorn
Fans drinking milk
10,000 female fans wearing engagement rings
10,000 men yelling, "Shoot," each time a player fumbles the ball
Fans doing their home/visiting teaching during half-time
21,998 smiling faces
A "wave" that lasts nearly a full quarter
Pinkie CTR rings instead of pinkie football rings
Fully clothed cheerleaders
Friday, August 26, 2005
CRAZY BREAKING NEWS: WACKY LDS FACTS
Wacky LDS Facts:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A LDS hymnbook is exactly the same width as two half-pound Hershey Candy Bars.
While in a deep sleep, a high councilman’s breath can produce enough steam on a compact mirror to nearly produce moisture.
The average Ward chorister raises her arm 1.3 feet in the air to begin conducting a hymn.
Ever since startling an old man to death, Sunday School buzzers have been discouraged.
The same person who designed church classroom doors also designed bank vault doors.
On any given nursery hour, two million different germs circulate throughout the room.
On average, ten pounds of candy are eaten during every Ward Primary.
A relief society sister’s testimony usually is expressed in the same octave range as a dramatic Soprano.
On the first Saturday night of every month, enough food is consumed by LDS people to feed all of China, Japan and part of Russia.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
A LDS hymnbook is exactly the same width as two half-pound Hershey Candy Bars.
While in a deep sleep, a high councilman’s breath can produce enough steam on a compact mirror to nearly produce moisture.
The average Ward chorister raises her arm 1.3 feet in the air to begin conducting a hymn.
Ever since startling an old man to death, Sunday School buzzers have been discouraged.
The same person who designed church classroom doors also designed bank vault doors.
On any given nursery hour, two million different germs circulate throughout the room.
On average, ten pounds of candy are eaten during every Ward Primary.
A relief society sister’s testimony usually is expressed in the same octave range as a dramatic Soprano.
On the first Saturday night of every month, enough food is consumed by LDS people to feed all of China, Japan and part of Russia.
Friday, August 19, 2005
UH OH BREAKING NEWS: TEN REASONS WHY LDS WOMEN DO THEIR VISITING TEACHING
Ten Reasons Why LDS Women DO Their Visiting Teaching
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the LDS woman loves knowing that she WILL go directly to Heaven for performing this one kind act each month.
2. Because the LDS woman loves the idea that Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to do something charitable for someone else each month.
3. Because Visiting Teaching satisfies the LDS woman's curiosity about whether or not the sister she is visiting teaching is a good housekeeper.
4. Because the LDS woman loves the feeling she gets from telling her friends that she is, in fact, a 100 percent Visiting Teacher, so she can feel good while all of her dearest friends feel horribly guilty.
5. Because Visiting Teaching is such a great way to say how concerned the LDS woman is about this person and that person in the Ward and is actually able to catch up on the latest Ward gossip.
6. Because the Visiting Teacher loves to bake homemade goodies and Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to give to someone all of these delicious, 3,000 fat grams per serving baked goods.
7. Because if the LDS woman did not Visit Teach, the LDS woman might be tempted to watch soap operas or trashy talk shows and then the LDS woman would fear she would never go to Heaven.
8. Because Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the opportunity to brag about all of her latest accomplishments -- including awards won by herself and her children, etc.
9. Because the LDS woman loves to hear herself give never-ending speeches about simple Gospel subjects and Visiting Teaching gives her the perfect opportunity to do so.
10. Because the LDS woman loves taking two full days out of every month, just to visit two people.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the LDS woman loves knowing that she WILL go directly to Heaven for performing this one kind act each month.
2. Because the LDS woman loves the idea that Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to do something charitable for someone else each month.
3. Because Visiting Teaching satisfies the LDS woman's curiosity about whether or not the sister she is visiting teaching is a good housekeeper.
4. Because the LDS woman loves the feeling she gets from telling her friends that she is, in fact, a 100 percent Visiting Teacher, so she can feel good while all of her dearest friends feel horribly guilty.
5. Because Visiting Teaching is such a great way to say how concerned the LDS woman is about this person and that person in the Ward and is actually able to catch up on the latest Ward gossip.
6. Because the Visiting Teacher loves to bake homemade goodies and Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the perfect opportunity to give to someone all of these delicious, 3,000 fat grams per serving baked goods.
7. Because if the LDS woman did not Visit Teach, the LDS woman might be tempted to watch soap operas or trashy talk shows and then the LDS woman would fear she would never go to Heaven.
8. Because Visiting Teaching gives the LDS woman the opportunity to brag about all of her latest accomplishments -- including awards won by herself and her children, etc.
9. Because the LDS woman loves to hear herself give never-ending speeches about simple Gospel subjects and Visiting Teaching gives her the perfect opportunity to do so.
10. Because the LDS woman loves taking two full days out of every month, just to visit two people.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
TRUE CONFESSIONS BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY LDS MEN DON'T DO THEIR HOMETEACHING
TRUE CONFESSIONS: Top Ten Reasons Why LDS Men Don't Do Their Hometeaching
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the families never answer their door when LDS man stops by on the last day of each month at 11 p.m.
2. Because the LDS man does not know any of the names of the LDS families the LDS man is supposed to hometeach.
3. Because LDS man feels he must stay home with his family, just in case the Second Coming suddenly arrives.
4. Because the LDS man actually does do his hometeaching...as he passes his hometeaching families in the hallways at Church.
5. Because the LDS man has done so many other things right in his life that the LDS man is afraid if he does do his hometeaching he will be translated and his family needs him too much.
6. Because the LDS man is afraid of what might happen if while doing his hometaching, the LDS man accidentally became injured and he needed to sue the LDS hometeaching family, so, out of compassion for the LDS family, LDS man is not going to take any risks.
7. Because once, when he was hometeaching with his father as a young boy, the LDS man had a traumatic experience with a vicious dog, and so, for mentally medicinal reasons, therapists have advised him never to do his hometeaching.
8. Because the LDS man refuses to have HIS Ward be one of THOSE WARDS Wards that brags about having 100% hometeaching.
9. Because the LDS man tries to do his hometeaching, but everytime he gets in his car, Satan tempts him and he goes to the gym instead.
10. Because the LDS man's hometeachers never come over to hometeach him.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1. Because the families never answer their door when LDS man stops by on the last day of each month at 11 p.m.
2. Because the LDS man does not know any of the names of the LDS families the LDS man is supposed to hometeach.
3. Because LDS man feels he must stay home with his family, just in case the Second Coming suddenly arrives.
4. Because the LDS man actually does do his hometeaching...as he passes his hometeaching families in the hallways at Church.
5. Because the LDS man has done so many other things right in his life that the LDS man is afraid if he does do his hometeaching he will be translated and his family needs him too much.
6. Because the LDS man is afraid of what might happen if while doing his hometaching, the LDS man accidentally became injured and he needed to sue the LDS hometeaching family, so, out of compassion for the LDS family, LDS man is not going to take any risks.
7. Because once, when he was hometeaching with his father as a young boy, the LDS man had a traumatic experience with a vicious dog, and so, for mentally medicinal reasons, therapists have advised him never to do his hometeaching.
8. Because the LDS man refuses to have HIS Ward be one of THOSE WARDS Wards that brags about having 100% hometeaching.
9. Because the LDS man tries to do his hometeaching, but everytime he gets in his car, Satan tempts him and he goes to the gym instead.
10. Because the LDS man's hometeachers never come over to hometeach him.
Monday, August 15, 2005
FUNATTER-DAY SAINTS BREAKING NEWS: MORE MIPPETS
More Mippets !!!
(by Bettyanne Bruin, from an original idea by greedykristian. Used with permission.)
Mippet: Noun. Definition: Mormon snippet. Example: Members of the LDS church are very unique and famous for all of the many mippets they possess.
Thank you, Abrasivist, for your e-mailed comment about Mippets. E-mailed comments are one of the things I enjoy most about happyjellybeans.
From Abrasivist:
Lamment: Noun. Definition: mixing lame with comment.
happyjellybeans example: "Many times in Sunday School class, there is a lot of lammenting going on."
Funatter-day Saint: Adverb. Definition: A Mormon who likes to have a lot of fun. "I just love what a funatter-day Saint Martha is."
Shayer: Noun. Definition: Short prayer: "I'm so tired tonight that I think I'll just say a shayer." Or, "Geez, can't you remember it's Fast Sunday? I'm starving, so just hurry up and say a shayer!"
Badair. Noun. Definition: Bad hair. Example: "Sometimes people in some Wards really suffer from some pretty aweful badair (i.e. toupes that don't match, Marge Simpson hairstyles)."
Rushtoseconds. Noun. Definition: Storming the buffet table at a Ward dinner. Example: "Last time our Ward had a Ward dinner, it was embarassing how many people would rushtoseconds. I don't know if I'll ever bring my non-member neighbor again."
(by Bettyanne Bruin, from an original idea by greedykristian. Used with permission.)
Mippet: Noun. Definition: Mormon snippet. Example: Members of the LDS church are very unique and famous for all of the many mippets they possess.
Thank you, Abrasivist, for your e-mailed comment about Mippets. E-mailed comments are one of the things I enjoy most about happyjellybeans.
From Abrasivist:
Lamment: Noun. Definition: mixing lame with comment.
happyjellybeans example: "Many times in Sunday School class, there is a lot of lammenting going on."
Funatter-day Saint: Adverb. Definition: A Mormon who likes to have a lot of fun. "I just love what a funatter-day Saint Martha is."
Shayer: Noun. Definition: Short prayer: "I'm so tired tonight that I think I'll just say a shayer." Or, "Geez, can't you remember it's Fast Sunday? I'm starving, so just hurry up and say a shayer!"
Badair. Noun. Definition: Bad hair. Example: "Sometimes people in some Wards really suffer from some pretty aweful badair (i.e. toupes that don't match, Marge Simpson hairstyles)."
Rushtoseconds. Noun. Definition: Storming the buffet table at a Ward dinner. Example: "Last time our Ward had a Ward dinner, it was embarassing how many people would rushtoseconds. I don't know if I'll ever bring my non-member neighbor again."
Friday, August 12, 2005
BREAKING NEWS: COMPOUND MORMON WORDS
COMPOUND MORMON WORDS: MIPPETS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Compound word: A compound word is made when two words are joined to form a new word
The first three are contributions from a well-known author, greedykristian:
Spord: VerbCompounded words: Super bored, Example: "All this talk of pioneers is making me spord".
Juckle: VerbCompounded words: Jovial ChuckleExample: "When Brother Matthews slept so soundly on the back row of the chapel that he fell asleep, I had to juckle."
Sly laughter: VerbCompounded words: Sly Laughter, Example: "When Sister Crazy sings in church, Randy and I crouch down in our pew and slaughter."
happyjellbeans offering:
Sobimony: A testimony filled with sobbing tears.
...more soon...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Compound word: A compound word is made when two words are joined to form a new word
The first three are contributions from a well-known author, greedykristian:
Spord: VerbCompounded words: Super bored, Example: "All this talk of pioneers is making me spord".
Juckle: VerbCompounded words: Jovial ChuckleExample: "When Brother Matthews slept so soundly on the back row of the chapel that he fell asleep, I had to juckle."
Sly laughter: VerbCompounded words: Sly Laughter, Example: "When Sister Crazy sings in church, Randy and I crouch down in our pew and slaughter."
happyjellbeans offering:
Sobimony: A testimony filled with sobbing tears.
...more soon...
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
CHOOSE THE RIGHT BREAKING NEWS: WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS SAY/WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS THINK!!!
WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS SAY/WHAT PRIMARY TEACHERS THINK
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"Reverence really does begin with me and you." (But if you don’t get quiet soon, massive verbal abuse and maybe even some violence is going to begin to erupt here. You'll be seeing some of my own signs of the times.)
"Treats are wonderful. Isn't it wonderful that everyone loves treats and they can serve such a useful purpose." (Yeah, right. Whoever invented treats oughta be shot. No one ever remembers to buy them until after they’ve jumped into bed on Saturday night. And, the only thing the kids expect in the class is not a lesson or love, but oh boy, we’d better have those treats ready or else!)
"Saturday is such a special day." (‘Cause I’m not in church teaching Primary.)
"We’re gonna have such a great time teaching Sharing Time." (After my Xanax kicks in.)
"When we’re happy, we’re helping." (You've got to be kidding? Whoever wrote THIS song oughta be shot. I can’t ever get anyone to help me, let alone be happy about it.)
"Choose the right." (Ha! Sometimes it feels like Chance To get Revenge).
"The lesson objective for today is..." (Objective? The only real objective here is to make sure to get out of here with my life and my sanity.)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"Reverence really does begin with me and you." (But if you don’t get quiet soon, massive verbal abuse and maybe even some violence is going to begin to erupt here. You'll be seeing some of my own signs of the times.)
"Treats are wonderful. Isn't it wonderful that everyone loves treats and they can serve such a useful purpose." (Yeah, right. Whoever invented treats oughta be shot. No one ever remembers to buy them until after they’ve jumped into bed on Saturday night. And, the only thing the kids expect in the class is not a lesson or love, but oh boy, we’d better have those treats ready or else!)
"Saturday is such a special day." (‘Cause I’m not in church teaching Primary.)
"We’re gonna have such a great time teaching Sharing Time." (After my Xanax kicks in.)
"When we’re happy, we’re helping." (You've got to be kidding? Whoever wrote THIS song oughta be shot. I can’t ever get anyone to help me, let alone be happy about it.)
"Choose the right." (Ha! Sometimes it feels like Chance To get Revenge).
"The lesson objective for today is..." (Objective? The only real objective here is to make sure to get out of here with my life and my sanity.)
Friday, July 29, 2005
K, so, the mind behind happyjellybeans turned, in rap language, fiddy this week. The mind behind happyjellybeans hates that when that happens. Another decade gone by. Whew. That one was quick. Oh well...
BREAKING NEWS: Thank you, to whomever felt comfortable and confident enough to contribute their input to happyjellybeans. You done good. The posting? "If your own child is finally old enough to attend nursery allowing you a peaceful Sunday school lesson - you're new calling will obviously be nursery worker." Awesome. I love it. This is in reference to the posting: LDS NURSERY LAWS.
Please feel free to add your fiddy cents. Everyone is welcome to contribute to this site. We all have something to say, we just don't know where to say it. Well, to borrow a famous quote, "This is the place." Join us, as often as you'd like, and say whatever you feel. Your thoughts and ideas WILL be posted!!! Cool.
Okay, so, in honor of my fiddieth year on Earth, the blog for today goes as follows...
LDS Rap Songs Anyone Can Sing
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Scout Gangstas Gonna Earn Der Eagle? by Boyz N Da Trupe
Ruff Ryders Uv Family Hizteries by Jurnelz, Penz ‘n Paperz
Headin’ St8t For Da Heavenz by The Zelestial Boyz
Trippin' Over Da Toddlerz by The Nursery Chix
Smile In Your Sleep, Mr. H.P. by C-pap Machines Rule
I Be Good I Promise by Never in Primary You Won't
Outa Darkness Be Not For Me by Wanna B. Goodie
Da World Has Need of Willing De Mans (A remix) by M&Ms
BREAKING NEWS: Thank you, to whomever felt comfortable and confident enough to contribute their input to happyjellybeans. You done good. The posting? "If your own child is finally old enough to attend nursery allowing you a peaceful Sunday school lesson - you're new calling will obviously be nursery worker." Awesome. I love it. This is in reference to the posting: LDS NURSERY LAWS.
Please feel free to add your fiddy cents. Everyone is welcome to contribute to this site. We all have something to say, we just don't know where to say it. Well, to borrow a famous quote, "This is the place." Join us, as often as you'd like, and say whatever you feel. Your thoughts and ideas WILL be posted!!! Cool.
Okay, so, in honor of my fiddieth year on Earth, the blog for today goes as follows...
LDS Rap Songs Anyone Can Sing
(by Bettyanne Bruin)
Scout Gangstas Gonna Earn Der Eagle? by Boyz N Da Trupe
Ruff Ryders Uv Family Hizteries by Jurnelz, Penz ‘n Paperz
Headin’ St8t For Da Heavenz by The Zelestial Boyz
Trippin' Over Da Toddlerz by The Nursery Chix
Smile In Your Sleep, Mr. H.P. by C-pap Machines Rule
I Be Good I Promise by Never in Primary You Won't
Outa Darkness Be Not For Me by Wanna B. Goodie
Da World Has Need of Willing De Mans (A remix) by M&Ms
Friday, July 22, 2005
YEE-HA BREAKING NEWS: PIONEER GREETING CARDS!!!
Yee-ha! Pioneer greeting cards, just in time for the 24th!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Count Your Blessings:
May your hive always be filled with honey.
May your whore hound candy dish always be o’erflowing.
May your cabin not be completely overwhelmed with dirt.
May the seagulls continue to get rid of all those crickets.
Be grateful…things could be worse…
We could be cavemen!
From the first time I saw in your full-length gown and bonnet,
I’ve dreamed of shaking your hand.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
Congratulations on arriving in the valley.
You did a great job crossing the plains.
All that work and sweat and tears,
And pulling that handcart too.
Happy, 8th birthday, son!!!
Happy Halloween.
Isn’t it nice knowing
That someday,
A whole generation of people
Will dress up like you
And go door to door,
Making people laugh at how funny they look
And give them candy as a thank you
For a moment of sheer entertainment.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
It’s nice that after all those mornings with nothing but mush in the cabin,
and all of those daily potato cake suppers,
That at least one day a year
We get to eat a seven-course meal.
Christmas is one gift under the tree.
Christmas is stockings made of Dad's old socks, hanging from the hearth.
Christmas is a tender roast from the cow we just killed.
Christmas is snuggling together to keep from freezing to death.
Christmas is taking that once-a-month bath.
Ah, Christmas…the best time of year.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Count Your Blessings:
May your hive always be filled with honey.
May your whore hound candy dish always be o’erflowing.
May your cabin not be completely overwhelmed with dirt.
May the seagulls continue to get rid of all those crickets.
Be grateful…things could be worse…
We could be cavemen!
Happy New Year!!!
Knowing that in this wonderful time period in which we live,
That there are barely forty years to a person’s life,
Enjoy each New Year to the fullest
‘Cause there aren’t very many of them to come around.
From the first time I saw in your full-length gown and bonnet,
I’ve dreamed of shaking your hand.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
Congratulations on arriving in the valley.
You did a great job crossing the plains.
All that work and sweat and tears,
And pulling that handcart too.
Happy, 8th birthday, son!!!
Happy Halloween.
Isn’t it nice knowing
That someday,
A whole generation of people
Will dress up like you
And go door to door,
Making people laugh at how funny they look
And give them candy as a thank you
For a moment of sheer entertainment.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
It’s nice that after all those mornings with nothing but mush in the cabin,
and all of those daily potato cake suppers,
That at least one day a year
We get to eat a seven-course meal.
Christmas is one gift under the tree.
Christmas is stockings made of Dad's old socks, hanging from the hearth.
Christmas is a tender roast from the cow we just killed.
Christmas is snuggling together to keep from freezing to death.
Christmas is taking that once-a-month bath.
Ah, Christmas…the best time of year.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
COMMERCIALLY FANTASTIC BREAKING NEWS: MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS!!!
FINALLY: THE HALL OF FAME OF THE MOST POPULAR LDS AD SLOGANS:
Have it your frickin’ way.
A little dab of genealogy’ll do ya.
It’s scrapbooking time!
Reach out and home teach someone.
Can you hear me snore now?
The chorister is ready when you are.
Let your missionaries do the teaching.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a Relief Society is.
When you care enough to teach the very best.
Got genealogy?
A little dab of genealogy’ll do ya.
It’s scrapbooking time!
Reach out and home teach someone.
Can you hear me snore now?
The chorister is ready when you are.
Let your missionaries do the teaching.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a Relief Society is.
When you care enough to teach the very best.
Got genealogy?
Monday, July 18, 2005
AIRHEAD BREAKING NEWS: LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES
LDS DUMB BLONDE JOKES
(By Bettyanne also the Blonde Bruin)
A blonde was sitting next to a brunette at church singing, We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.
When they got to the fifth before the last stanza of the last verse, the one blonde leaned over to the brunette and said, “That chorister doesn’t look pregnant to me.”
The brunette said, 'And we know that deliverance is nigh,’ isn’t talking about pregnancy, it’s talking about being delivered from evil!”
After church, the blonde goes to choir practice. At the end of practice, the blonde asks a fellow choir member for a ride home. When they arrive at the blonde’s residence, the blonde’s car is not in the driveway. The blonde exclaims, “My car!” to which the woman driving her home says, “Where’s your car? Has it been stolen?” “No,” the blonde replies. “I just remembered: I drove to choir practice today.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and the daughters of Ishmael?
The daughters of Ishmael had to walk everywhere they went.
A daughter of Ishmael walks around Zarahemla, carrying a pig under one arm.
A man, passing by, says, “Where’d you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her at a town raffle.”
Why couldn’t the dumb blonde watch Abinadi burn in the fire?
‘Cause she was afraid the bright lights might hurt her eyes.
What did the dumb blonde say to Nephi when his brothers had bound and gagged him?
That sure looks like strong rope.
What did the dumb blonde say when she saw Samuel standing on the city wall?
I never knew there was a wall there.
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to walk to Zarahemla?
She saw a sign saying: "Zarahelma Left" so she went home.
What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and when Alma the Younger was struck dumb?
Alma the Younger was laying down.
(By Bettyanne also the Blonde Bruin)
A blonde was sitting next to a brunette at church singing, We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet.
When they got to the fifth before the last stanza of the last verse, the one blonde leaned over to the brunette and said, “That chorister doesn’t look pregnant to me.”
The brunette said, 'And we know that deliverance is nigh,’ isn’t talking about pregnancy, it’s talking about being delivered from evil!”
After church, the blonde goes to choir practice. At the end of practice, the blonde asks a fellow choir member for a ride home. When they arrive at the blonde’s residence, the blonde’s car is not in the driveway. The blonde exclaims, “My car!” to which the woman driving her home says, “Where’s your car? Has it been stolen?” “No,” the blonde replies. “I just remembered: I drove to choir practice today.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and the daughters of Ishmael?
The daughters of Ishmael had to walk everywhere they went.
A daughter of Ishmael walks around Zarahemla, carrying a pig under one arm.
A man, passing by, says, “Where’d you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her at a town raffle.”
Why couldn’t the dumb blonde watch Abinadi burn in the fire?
‘Cause she was afraid the bright lights might hurt her eyes.
What did the dumb blonde say to Nephi when his brothers had bound and gagged him?
That sure looks like strong rope.
What did the dumb blonde say when she saw Samuel standing on the city wall?
I never knew there was a wall there.
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to walk to Zarahemla?
She saw a sign saying: "Zarahelma Left" so she went home.
What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and when Alma the Younger was struck dumb?
Alma the Younger was laying down.
Friday, July 15, 2005
ANCIENT BREAKING NEWS: NAGGING WORDS FROM THE MOTHERS OF PEOPLE FROM THE BOOK OF MORMON
Nagging Words
From the Mothers
of People From the Book of Mormon
(Can you guess who each one is?)
(By Bettyane Bruin)
“I told you not to set down that bow! Every time you do, you forget where you put it, you step on it and then break it!”
“If you don’t start keeping better track of your things, some day you’re gonna lose your own head!”
“Why can’t you have a better sense of direction? Ever since I’ve know you, you’re always getting lost!”
“You buried what? Where?”
“If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fire!”
“You can talk and you can hear, so sit up.”
“You traveled in the sea by the way of what? And you could see by the light of five what?”
“You’re going to follow a group of men to the desert and marry them? Are you crazy?”
“Quit waving that flag so hard. You’re gonna hit somebody!”
“It’s nice you prayed all night, but where’s the beast you promised you’d bring home?”
“You and your secrets. Some day they're all going to combine up against you!”
From the Mothers
of People From the Book of Mormon
(Can you guess who each one is?)
(By Bettyane Bruin)
“I told you not to set down that bow! Every time you do, you forget where you put it, you step on it and then break it!”
“If you don’t start keeping better track of your things, some day you’re gonna lose your own head!”
“Why can’t you have a better sense of direction? Ever since I’ve know you, you’re always getting lost!”
“You buried what? Where?”
“If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fire!”
“You can talk and you can hear, so sit up.”
“You traveled in the sea by the way of what? And you could see by the light of five what?”
“You’re going to follow a group of men to the desert and marry them? Are you crazy?”
“Quit waving that flag so hard. You’re gonna hit somebody!”
“It’s nice you prayed all night, but where’s the beast you promised you’d bring home?”
“You and your secrets. Some day they're all going to combine up against you!”
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
PRIMARY BREAKING NEWS: WHY HEAVEN LIKES PRIMARY CHILDREN THE BEST
Why Heaven Likes Primary Children the Best:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Because Primary children are so honest…they will honestly say things like, “Why do always wear the same dress?” Or, when you reprimand them, they will say, “You know, you’re kinda mean and you’re kinda ugly.”
Because Primary children are so cute… especially when they are fast asleep.
Because Primary children are so lovable… especially the day after they graduate from Primary.
Because Primary children are so predictable …you can predict that because of them every one of your Sundays is going to be chaotic.
Because Primary children are so kind…kind of nice and kind of mean.
Because Primary children will make you a better person ... or be your one-way ticket to a mental institution.
Because Primary children can make your whole world look up…up to something not good at all.
Because Primary children have such a great influence…on whether or not you want to live one more day or not.
Because Primary children adjust so well … adjust your chair, your hair, your shoestrings.
Because Primary children can help so much…help you into the ambulance after tripping you down the stairs.
Because Primary children are the best…the best example of all of the things you hope your children will never be.
And these are just some of the reasons why Heaven likes children the best.
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