SCOUTING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS IN A SCOUT'S TWO-WEEK LONG BOYSCOUT CAMP SUITCASE

Top Ten Things in A Scout’s Two-week
Long Boy Scout Camp Suitcase
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1- One pair of underwear
2- One sock
3- Pair of shorts with the biggest hole in them.
4- One whoopee cushion
5- Enough matches and gasoline and/or lighter fluid to set the world on fire. 6- 4 cans of refried beans
7- 100 firecrackers
8- One air gun
9- 10 lbs. of candy
10- 2 six packs of warm soda

MORE WARD BREAKING NEWS: MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING

MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH
WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

"That we had a DJ instead of a Ward chorister."
DPG from Sandy, UT

"That there were sleeper sofas in High Priests."
KRB also from Sandy, UT

WARD BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WAS IN THEIR WARD BUILDING

Top Ten Things LDS people wish was in their Ward building:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Vending Machines in the foyer
2 - Reclining chairs in the chapel with foot rests
3 - Big gulp holders
4 – All televisions equipped with picture on picture to update sports scores
5 – Confession booths with curtains
6 - An ATM machine
7 - Canned laughter
8 - Background music that kicks in like on the Oscars when a talk has gone too long.
9 - A nursery built like an air castle
10 - Chair racks with faster wheels

COZY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS TO TELL IF YOU'RE IN A LDS HOME

TOP TEN SIGNS
TO TELL IF YOU'RE
IN A LDS HOME
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Scriptures on the coffe table
2 - Proclamation to the Family hanging on the wall
3 - Large dining room table with lots of chairs
4 - Survival kits by the front door
5 - Fifteen passenger car parked in the driveway
6 - All the volumes of Work and the Glory on a bookshelf
7 - Something BYU displayed somewhere
8 - A cupboard filled with candy, cookies and soda
9 - Zuccinni growing in the backyard
10 - Some form of tree piece of artwork, showing the family's pedigree

SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ON A SUNDAY SCHOOL PRESIDENT'S SUNDAY TO-DO LIST

Top Ten Things on a
Sunday School President’s
Sunday To-Do List
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Get up late enough to not comb hair
2 – Pick suit, shirt and tie up off floor from last week
3 – Get dressed.
4 – Go to Sacrament Meeting.
5 – Go to Sunday School.
6 - Wander halls.
7 – Yell at teenagers.
8 – Pick litter up off floors in hallways.
9 – Ring buzzer.
10 – Go home.

BOO-HOO BREAKING NEWS: TOP THEN THINGS THAT MAKE MORMONS CRY

Top Ten Things That Make Mormons Cry:

1 - Baby Blessings
2 - Testimonies
3 – When BYU loses to the U. of U
4 - When their funeral potatoes are burned
5 - When a fast food restaurant is out of fry sauce
6 - When, the night before fast Sunday, their favorite all-you-can eat restaurant is closed
7 - When they just missed the biggest srapbooking sale ever! (Dedicated to Gennie -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GEN!!!)
8 – When they accidentally buy a Coke instead of a Pepsi (or a Pepsi instead of a Coke)
9 – When someone brings them a candy bar AND IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE !!!
10 – When they don’t get “their seat” in the chapel.

WARD CLERK BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN YES OR NO QUESTIONS ON THE APPLICATION TO BE A WARD CLERK!!!!

Top Ten Yes or No Questions
on the Application
to Become a Ward Clerk:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - First or middle name includes Ernest, Harold, Lester,
or Ralph? __________
2 - Number of toupees perched on Styrofoam heads
in closet? __________
3 - Number of leisure suits with white top-stitching? _______
4 - Number of briefcases for carrying lots of unimportant
papers? ________
5 - Capable of walking down an aisle while writing
on a very small piece of paper? _____
6 - Number of times dated in high school 1____ 2 ____
7 - Capable of staring off in the distance for at least
one hour and ten minutes with a stone face,
week after week, no matter what happens
at the pulpit? _______
8 - Dark circles under eyes? __________
9 – Willing to embarrass self by attempting to
read last names of new move-ins? ________
10 – Able to overlook any funny faced Deacon
or projectile coming at you from any funny-faced
Deacon sitting on the front two rows
before you? ________

Congratulations! You may qualify to be your ward’s next Ward Clerk!

HAPPYJELLYBEAN BREAKING NEWS

Okay, okay. I repent. My intention is not to insult. And, whereas I received a concerned e-mail regarding the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I would like to say, all of my blogs are meant to poke a little fun. If that one went into a bit of a stab, a happyjellybean apology is in order. What happened was, while watching conference, hbj is always mindful of all the games played. And, to poke fun that sometimes the joke is made that the Mormon Tabernacle members all look alike, or who are they, or what, I thought I would make a game, only in fun, but, like hjb always says, If a joke is only funny to one person, then that joke is just not funny. So, let's get back on track and go for a kinder poke:

Could I do this?

TOP TEN SONGS THAT SHOUD BE SUNG TO THE PROTESTERS WHO TAKE TIME FROM THEIR BUSY DAY TO VISIT LDS MEMBERS ON CONFERENCE WEEKEND:

1- If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands
2 - If You Chance To Meet a Frown, Do Not Let it Stay
3 - Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, We're Glad You Came Our Way
4 - Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other
5 - Time Flies On Wings of Lightening, Don't Let it Pass You By
6 - The World Has Need Of Willing Men
7 - Because I Have Been Given Much, I, Too, Should Give
8 - There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today

Or, another attempt at light humor:

Top Ten Things Heard Around the House on Conference Weekend:

1 - "Pass the popcorn."
2 - "Dad, quit snoring!"
3 - "Change it back!"
4 - "Get up, conference has started!"
5 - "Did they just put (name of close friend) in as a General Authority?"
6 - "Wow, I didn't know we had that many members in the church."
7 - "When I was a kid, there were only 10,000 missionaries in the mission field."
8 - "When I joined the church, there were only 12 temples!"
9 - "Dad, quit snoring."
10 - "Mom, tell ____ to quit hitting me."

CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN "CAN YOU FIND A MEMBER OF THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR WHO LOOKS LIKE..." CONFERENCE GAME

Top Ten "Can You Find a Member
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Who Looks Like..." Conference Game
by
Bettyanne Bruin

Can you find a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Who Looks Like:

1- He or she has been in at least one Ward basketball fight?
2 – He or she sleeps during all of his or her Sacrament meeting?
3 – He or she has never done any genealogy?
4 – He or she does not believe in having a food storage?
5 – He or she plays the penny slot machines while traveling through a gambling zone?
6 – He or she believes the end of the world is coming any day?
7 – He or she has had a face lift?
8 – He or she has yelled at his or her neighbor’s dog?
9 – He or she is addicted to Jolt.
10 – He or she goes home during Sunday School.

MISSIONARY BREAKING NEW: TOP TEN PHONE MESSAGES LEFT ON A LDS MISSIONARY'S MESSAGE MACHINE

Top Ten Phone Messages Left on a LDS Missionary’s Message Machine
by Bettyanne Bruin

1 – This is Dr. Thomas’ office. The results of the rabies test, on that dog that bit you, came back negative.
2 – Hello, Elders. This is Sister Wells. I just wanted to thank you, so much, for coming over today to help bury my dog for me. I'm sure Fido was very appreciative too.
3 – Hey, punks, you ever do that again -- go around knocking at my door trying to preach all of yer nonsense, and I’ll get my buddies and we’ll do more than just come knockin’ at your door!
4 – Hello, Elder. You don’t know me, but I’m a close friend of your girlfriend and she asked me to call you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by lying, so she wanted to be honest with you – she just got married.
5 – Hello, Elders. One of your journals was left at my house and I just wanted to let you know that you can stop by to get it any time you want. Also I, too, hope you get over soon the two biggest problems you expressed in your journal that you’re dealing with right now -- your fear of the dark and that disgusting toe-nail biting habit.
6 - Hello, this is a preacher from one of the local churches wanting advice on how to get more members.
7 – This is the Post Office wanting to let you know that there is NOT, I repeat NOT, a package for you today, so please do not call us again. We will call you!
8 – This is footblisters.com letting you know your case of foot cream is in the mail.
9 – Hello Elders. Just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel our dinner appointment with you, tonight, but we did leave a few packages of Top Ramen on your door to make up for it, so, have a good dinner and talk to you soon.
10 – This is the Mission Home letting you know that your activity to enter the city drag race with church advertising on your car was not approved.

Argumentative Breaking News: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE LOVE TO ARGUE ABOUT!!!!

Top Ten Things LDS People Love to Argue About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Other religions.
2 – BYU vs. U of U
3 – The definition of a caffeinated product.
4 – Any foul called in a basketball game.
5 – Who’s going to say the opening prayer in Family Home Evening.
6 – Donner pass.
7 – R-rated movies: Good or bad?
8 – Television viewing habits.
9 – Polygamy
10 – Is crap a swear word?

SCRAPBOOKING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO SCRAPBOOK ABOUT:

Top Ten Things LDS People
Will NEVER Want to Scrapbook About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Dedicated to Genevieve Gillette

1. The many Family Home Evenings where everyone fights over job chores.

2. The first time you put your toddler in the nursery and ditched him or her.

3. Locating your scout after he's spent an entire night in the mountains alone.

4. The fight with the Scout master who lost track of him.

5. The time, while on your mission, the non-member announced he or she was canceling his or her baptism date.

6. The meeting with the Bishop where he calls you into the scouting program.

7. Initiating road rage on your way to church.

8. Eating at an all-you-can eat buffet the night before fast Sunday.

9. The Ward basketball game fight that was started by a member of your family.

10. You drooling, while asleep, in Sacrament meeting.

Simply Breaking News: Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways (yeah, right) a LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life

Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways
(Yeah, right)
A LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life:
(ByBettyanne Bruin)

1 – Catch up on sleep during church meetings. (Oops, already done.)
2 - Save genealogy work for when you get old and have nothing better to do. (Oops, already done.)
3 – Say one, long prayer while in bed, rather than three times a day. (Oops, already done.)
4 – Hire out service projects. (Actually has been done.)
5 – Buy your sodas in gallon-sized drink containers. (Is done all of the time.)
6 – Keep forgetting that you have neighbors. (What neighbors?)
7 – Call your home/visiting teaching families for visits on the phone. (Oops, has been done for years.)
8 – Show videos to your Sunday School class. (Oops, currently the biggest fad in the LDS church.)
9 – Hold FHM, Family Home Moment while eating dinner. (Done all the time.)
10 –

Top Ten LDS Swear Words
and Their Moment of Usage:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Frickin’: “I didn’t frickin’ foul that guy! He was the one who was all over me!”
2 – Dang: “And then this dang car comes right up and pretty near rear ends me!”
3 – Darn: “That darn food storage is piling up all over out there in that darn garage!”
4 – Fetch: “Fetch, that hurt! Geez, what'd you do that for?”
5 – Geez: Refer to the above.
6 – Sheesh: “Sheesh, what’s it gonna take to get you to get the message? I'm not going to marry you!”
7 – Bleeoch: “That girl is one heckofa bleeoch, and I don't care if she is my next door neighbor!”
8 - H-E-double hockey sticks: “If you aren’t obedient, you know where you’re going to go? You are goin' right to h-e-double hockey sticks!”
9 – Heck-if-I: “Heck-if-I know where your scriptures are. You’re the one who lost them!”
10 – Lousey, good for nothin’: “That kids is a good-for-nothin- piece of crap.” (Shhh… LDS people do not think crap is not a swear word.)

Top Ten Signs
You Cannot Call Yourself
a Regular Scripture Reader:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is listen to the scriptures on tape while doing other things, like watching television or sleeping.

2 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is when you glance over at your neighbor’s scriptures each week in Sunday School class.

3 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is reading the scriptures found on the marquis’s of other churches.

4 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read are those found on car bumper stickers.

5. You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read is the John 3:16 sign that’s held up at all national sporting events.

6 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if your only claim to being a regular scripture reader is the fact that you’ve memorized the scripture, “Jesus wept.”

7 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you have no idea where your scriptures are.

8 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you’ve set a goal to read the scriptures and almost read them once.

9 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is to look at them, once a day, sitting on your bookshelf.

10 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you think about reading them every day, but never do.

Lent Breaking News: Top Ten Things LDS People Should Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot

Top Ten Things LDS People Should
Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Watching television on Sunday.
2 – All chocolate and/or caffeine products. For that matter, all sugar products.
3 – Not answering the phone when a Bishopric member calls during a time when an undesirable calling is available.
4 – Avoiding the Ward Genealogy Specialist.
5 – Avoiding walking anywhere near a Primary room.
6 – Going overtime on a talk or lesson.
7 – Cheating on Fast Sunday.
8 – Shopping on Sunday.
9 – Funeral Potatoes.
10 – Preparing their lesson while teaching their lesson.

FAT TUESDAY BREAKING NEWS: LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)

LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)



1 - Flat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all women in the LDS church wear their hair flat with no hairspray, then gather at their Ward building and spend hours trying to figure out who each other is.

2 - Brat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all irreverent LDS children get whatever they want, also known in the LDS church as Sharing Time.

3 - Hat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally convince all toupee-adorned LDS men to take off their toupee and wear a hat, while LDS members do whatever it takes to destroy the toupee, only to find out the next Sunday that their efforts were fruitless.

4 - Pat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally celebrate (instead feeling guilty like every other day of the year) that maybe they really do have everything down pat, from doing their genealogy to food storage to understanding the Book of Isaiah. This is usually one of the happiest days of the year for LDS people, except for LDS martyrs.

5 - Mat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people celebrate the importance of making sure a mat or any other type of decorated material is carefully placed under a flower-filled vase on a classroom table for any Sunday lesson.

6 - Rat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people get to rat about what’s really bothering them, from political issues to poorly prepared food – usually this celebration spills out into every day of the year.
7 - Cat Tuesday: The day before Lent where a LDS person can choose to believe he or she really is a cool cat. Warning: This day usually runs out quick because, before too long, the LDS person is back to eating stuff like green Jell-o, fry sauce and funeral potatoes, wearing big hair, clothes that fit too tight, listening to the oldies station and once again realizes that he or she really is a big geek.

8 – Sat. Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people completely saturate themselves with any and all caffeine products.

9 - Bat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people go to bat for the church by arguing with anyone who comes their way -- usually happens wherever LDS pageants are performed.

10 – Chat Tuesday: The day before Lent where people in the LDS church gather at the Ward building to spend all day chatting as if it was Sunday.

HIGH PRIEST BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HIGH PRIEST GROUP LEADER MIGHT BE TOO OLD TO SERVE

Top Ten Signs Your High Priest Group Leader
Might Be Too Old to Serve:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Following Sacrament Meeting, even if someone shouts, “Fire!” the High Priest Group Leader doesn’t move.

2 - The High Priest Group Leader begins High Priest’s Group Meeting by saying, “Good Morning, Brothers and Sisters. Welcome to our Ward Temple Night!”

3 - The High Priest Group Leader thinks searching for the dead means looking up old friends.

4 - It takes half the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to sit down and the other half of the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to get back up.

5 - Everyone in the room keeps asking one another, “Does the High Priest Group Leader look alive to you?”

6 – Whenever the High Priest Group Leader says the opening or closing prayer, everyone folds their arms and closes their eyes, then waits five minutes for the High Priest Group Leader to begin, only to open their eyes and find the H.P. Group Leader sound asleep.

7 – When the High Priest Group Leader leads the music, one person has to hold up the hymnbook while another person holds up his arm.

8 – Every time someone teaches a lesson and mentions our elder brother by name, the High Priest Group Leader shouts, “Amen!”

9 – By the time the High Priest Group Leader gets to High Priest Group meeting, the meeting is over.

10 - The High Priest Group Leader keeps asking, "Who's the High Priest Group Leader? How come we don't have a High Priest Group Leader?"

PRIMARY BURN OUT BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PRIMARY PRESIDENT MIGHT BE BURNED OUT

Top Ten Signs Your Primary President Might Be Burned Out:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Instead of having a reverence chart, she has an advent calendar posted in the front of the room, counting the days until she is released.

2 - For Sharing Time, the Primary watches Sponge Bob.

3 – Her Primary Theme for the month is, Enduring to the End Is Impossible.

4 - Whenever she sings the Hello song, she replaces Hello with Goodbye.

5 – For treats, she gives out candy cigarettes.

6 – Her phone message says, If you think this your Primary President, please hang up. You have dialed the wrong number.

7 – She’s on a Prozac I.V.

8 – She insists there should be a substitute called for her calling as well.

9 – She keeps standing on the folding chairs, trying to fall backwards.

10 – Holding up a paddle, she says, “Reverence begins with this!”

HAPPY VALENTINE'S BREAKING NEWS: VALENTINE'S CARDS FOR SOMETIMES OVERLOOKED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH

Top Ten LDS Valentine’s Day Cards

to Sometimes-Overlooked

Members of the LDS Church:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - To Our Home Teacher on Valentine’s Day: Even though you don’t know us and have never met us before, we’d still like to wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.

2 – To All Primary Substitute Teachers: Happy Valentine’s Day, and thanks for substituting for my class last week and the week before and the week before that.

P.S. Could you possibly substitute for me again this week?

3 – To the Ward Chorister: On this Valentine’s Day, we’d like to tell you how much we love the way you lead the music, especially how we only sing the first and last verse of “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief,” and never the six verses in between.

4 - To The Ward Clerk – We love you - your wig, your high-tide pants, your wrinkled shirt, short tie and lint-covered blazer. What would Sacrament Meeting be like without you?

5 – To The Chapel Ushers – We love the way you hand out the program each Sunday in your obsessive complusive way, making sure the front cover is always facing towards us and is turned the right way.

6 – To the Basketball Referees: Even though we beat you up, throw chairs at you and call you every name in the book, we still love you!!! Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

7 – To the Unofficial/Junior Gospel Doctrine Teacher: We love the way you sit on the front row of Sunday School class every week and nod your head, “yes” in response to every comment the teacher makes. Your approval of the teacher’s comments makes it seem as though you are teaching the class as well, or that you know as much if not more than the teacher and we love the reassurance this gives us that the Ward is well-suprevised by an extremely dedicated Gospel Doctrine expert.

8 – To Members of the Sunday School Presidency: Even though no one in any Ward could ever name any person who fills any position in the Sunday School Presidency, we still appreciate your willingness to serve.

9 – To the Bishop’s Wife: Happy Valentine’s Day. Oh, you didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day? Sorry. We know sometimes the Bishop’s wife IS the last to know, but we still love you anyway.

10 – To the Ward Welfare Specialist: Happy Valentine’s Day. We hope you enjoy this romantic meal of cracked wheat pie, nonfat dry milk shake, nuts and dried fruits, on a table made of non-flammable, water-resistant cardboard, to the subtle light of a 24-hour emergency candle! Happy Valentine's Day!