GENEALOGICAL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES WHY SOME LDS PEOPLE CHOOSE NOT TO DO THEIR GENEALOGY

Top Ten Excuses Why Some
LDS People Choose Not To Do
Their Genealogy
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Because it will all be taken care of
in the millennium anyway.

2 – Because I’m too busy in my calling
to print up the Sacrament meeting
program each week.

3 – Because my ancestors all belonged
to other religions and none of them have ever
appeared to me, stating they want their work done.

4 – Because I feel like someone will be born
into my family some day who is supposed to do it.

5 – Because I can’t afford to do it.

6 – Because I’m waiting until they find a faster,
easier way to do it.

7- Because if I did my genealogy
I never would be able to go on vacation
with my family again.

8 – Because I’m saving it for when I get older
and have nothing better to do.

9 – Because I have too many relatives.

10 – Because every time the choice to do
my genealogy comes up, I chose to do something else.

TEACHING BREAKING NEWS: TEACH A MORMON TO...

TEACH A MORMON TO...

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Teach a Mormon

how to be determined and they will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, including drawing blood, to win a Ward basketball game.

Teach a Mormon

how to be thrifty and they will knock over shelves and cash registers to be first in line for a scrapbooking sale.

Teach a Mormon

how to be prepared and they will buy wheat silos, armored cars and bullet proof vests to be ready for the Second Coming.

Teach a Mormon

how to have family pride and they picnic on their ancestors graves.

Teach a Mormon

how to be 100 percent visiting teacher and they will knock on your door at midnight, pull you out of bed and give you the message for the month.

Teach a Mormon

to serve and they will eat ten servings of ice cream.

Teach Mormon

to have fun and they will have fun, even at a loved one’s funeral.

Teach a Mormon

how to sacrifice and they will sacrifice everything but their candy or soda pop.

Teach a Mormon

to be nice and they will be very nice until someone steals their seat in a theater.

Teach a Mormon

to be obedient and they will be very obedient unless they’re late for a church meeting.

.COM BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN .COMS FOR LDS PEOPLE

TOP TEN .COMS FOR LDS PEOPLE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - helpimscrapbookingandicantstop.com
2 - neverfallasleepinanothermeetingagain.com
3 - familyhomeeveningsthatactuallywork.com
4 - idontwanttoteachmylessononsundayand
cantfindasubstitute.com
5 - whyarentiperfectyet.com
6 - bestandcheapestldsmedicationsavailableonline.com
7 - thechoristerkeepscallingandaskingmetojointhechoir
andidontwantto.com
8 - helpimthescoutmaster
andidontwanttobe.com
9 - sick-freenurseriesnow.com
10 – homemakingprojectsmadefromleft-overfuneralpotatoes.com

GASPING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE GASP OVER

TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE GASP OVER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Whenever someone becomes engaged.
2 – Whenever a woman announces she is pregnant.
3 – Upon the announcement of who the new Ward Bishop is.
4 – Whenever a restaurant runs out of Coke or Pepsi.
5 – Upon hearing a missionary read where he or she has been called to.
6 – Upon any bad call made in a BYU vs. U of U sporting event.
7 – Upon receiving a very exciting or very yucky new Ward calling.
8 – Upon hearing someone is gay.
9 – Upon hearing someone came home early from their mission.
10 – A long and sustained gasp always happens whenever the announcement is made in Relief Society that the sisters reached 100 percent visiting teaching for the month.

SURVIVAL BREAKING NEW: TOP TEN OTHER THINGS THAT MUST ALSO GO IN A LDS SURVIVAL KIT

TOP TEN OTHER ITEMS THAT
MUST GO IN A LDS SURVIVAL KIT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Your cell phone

2 – Your IPod

3 – Your lottery ticket

4 – Your anti-depressants

5 – Your scrapbooking material

6 – Bonko

7 - Some cases of Coke or Diet Pepsi

8 – A couple of copies of The National Enquirer and People magazine

9 – Hairspray, make-up and a butane curling iron

10 – The family pet.

Top Ten Signs You Might Be Taking Your Calling as the Gospel Doctrine Teacher Too Seriously:

1 - Class members who forget their scriptures are threatened with their lives.

2 - You prepare your lessons one year in advance.

3- All of your visual aids are professionally made.

4 - You do not allow any noise in your classroom, including baby’s crying, coughing, sneezing, oxygen tanks and any labored breathing.

5 - You use Power Point.

To be continued...

TOP TEN REASONS WHY LDS PEOPLE SUFFER FROM MONDAY MORNING HANGOVERS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – They eat way too much food on Sunday.
2 – They take way too long of Sunday naps.
3 – They watch way too much television.
4 – It’s tiring trying to smile for three hours straight.
5 – It’s stressful teaching a lesson you’re preparing while you’re teaching it.
6 – It’s tiring trying not to sin all day long.
7 – It’s exhausting dressing way up in the morning and way down in the afternoon.
8 – It’s tiring to sleep through so many meetings.
9 – It’s tiring trying to keep thinking of things you can do on a day when you feel like you can't do anything at all.
10 – Chasing a three-year-old for two hours straight can also be very tiring.

CHOIRLY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SONGS THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR CANNOT EVER SING!!!

Top Ten Songs the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir Cannot Ever Sing!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1- 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
2 - All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight by Hank Williams Jr
3 - Three Cigarettes in an Ashtray by Patsy Cline
4 - Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright
5 - Puff the Magic Dragon
6 - Beat It
7 - Devil Went Down to Georgia
8 - Influenza by Ace Johnson
9 - My Time Ain’t Long by Annabelle Sanford
10 - Margaritaville

Undecided:
1 - We are the World
2 - Love Train
3 - Yellow Submarine

MUSICAL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE APPLICATION TO BE WARD CHORISTER

TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON
THE APPLICATION
TO BE WARD CHORISTER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1 - Type of wardrobe:
Clown
Old lady
Looking for a spousewear
High school teenager
Brittney Spears

2 - Type of glance:
Comforting
Validating
Authoritative
Killer (sing or else!)
I’d rather be anywhere else but here

3 - Type of smile:
Mannequin
Prozacial
Hitting on people
Sales

4 - Type of jewelry:
Jewelry for every holiday
Oversized
Undersized
Cheap
Cheap but looks expensive

5 - Type of wig:
Mile high
Cotton candy
Marge Simpson
Bouffant
Flat head
Wash ‘n wear

6 - Do you chew gum on Fast Sunday?

7 - Do you have false teeth?

8 - Do you chew gum with your false teeth?

9 – Type of nails?
Porcelain
Lee Press on
Guiness Book of World Record Length

10 - Have any of the following ever happened to you?
Fainted
Had a hole in the under arm of clothing
Phony nails fall off
Cry and can’t sing
Laugh and can’t sing
Accidentally poked self in eye
Lost beat of song and threw everybody off
Forgot words
Music stand fall over

If any of the above answers applied to you, congratulations, you are qualified to be the next Ward chorister.

TOP SELLING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS ITEMS SOLD ON EBAY

TOP TEN LDS ITEMS SOLD ON EBAY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – A piece of Gladys Knight’s left over French toast.
2 – A video tape of Donny Osmond’s last family birthday party.
3 – A bug in a jar that made it across the plains.
4 – One round-to-it
5 – A CD of Steve Young singing Christmas carols.
6 – A Basketball signed by Thurl Bailey before he joined the church.
7 – A copy of My Turn on Earth in Chinese.
8 – Someone’s calling as a Scoutmaster.
9 – A Primary picture with Johnny Depp in it as a visitor.
10 – A sealed envelope with a guaranteed date for when the millennium is to begin.

REDEEMABLE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST POPULAR LDS COUPONS

Top Ten Most Popular LDS Coupons:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Coupon good for saying “No” to one church calling.

2 – Coupon good for one free upgrade in the Celestial kingdom.

3 – Coupon good for claiming one year of 100 percent visiting/home teaching on all of your assignments.

4 – Coupon good for one free trade-in on any mission call assignment.

5 – Coupon good for forgiveness on committing one sin of your choice.

6 – Coupon good for being able to pursue the activity of your choice on any Sunday you choose.

7 – Coupon good for being able to choose, free of guilt, one R-rated movie of your choice.

8 – Coupon good for being able to use someone else’s food storage, should an emergency arise.

9 – Coupon good for being able to find out the scoop on one person of your choice in your Ward.
10 – Coupon good for being able to eat on the Fast Sunday of your choice.

TASTY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN UNOFFICIALLY APPROVED SACRAMENT MEETING TREATS

(HJB VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: This entry is inspired by attending Stake Conference on Sunday. Sat in the Cultural Hall, half way back, which means we got there just as the meeting started. As meeting wore on, the air conditioner did not kick in. The air became thick, became hard to breathe, maybe even suffocating; hot. In my despair, I glanced three rows in front of me just in time to witness what looked like a good LDS girl, sitting in her row with about ten other family members, pop open a can of soda! GEEZ! Some times life just isn’t fair! Have you ever seen any unusual things eaten in Stake Conference, or anything else crazy like that take place? Answer them in the comments section and I’ll post them, so we can all enjoy.

So, here’s to the girl who sat three rows in front of me:

Top Ten Unofficially Approved Sacrament Meeting Treats:

1 - Cheerios

2 - Fruit Loops

3 – Teddy Grahams

4 - Gum

5 – Tic Tacs

6 - Lifesavers

7 - Individually wrapped candies (Jolly Ranchers, Werther’s, taffy, bulk candy)

8 - Altoids

9 – Possibly a Capri Sun if hidden in scripture bag with just straw sticking out.

10 – Possibly that little cheese and cracker tray with the red spreading stick, if used slowly and quietly.

Top Ten UNAPPROVED Sacrament Meeting treats:

1 – SODA!!!!

2 – Pop rocks

3 - Popcorn

4 – Peanuts

5 – Doughnuts

6 – Lunchables

7 – McGriddle breakfast tray

8 – Beef jerky (Kristin)

9 – Pizza

10 – Roast with mashed potatoes and gravy

AMERICAN IDOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS THAT PROVE ACE, FROM AMERICAN IDOL, IS MORMON!!!

Top Ten Things That Prove Ace,
from American Idol, is Mormon!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - His mother attends a Ward in Boulder, CO (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be LDS
2 - Another kid remembers him from his Primary class (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be very LDS
3 - His last name is Young - VERY LDS
4 - When he was voted off American Idol he said, “Gosh!” - EXTREMELY LDS
5 - His first name is Brett - DEFINITELY LDS
6 – His middle name is Asa, after his LDS grandfather – ABSOLUTELY LDS
7 – According to his bio, he has four brothers - POSSITIVELY LDS
8 – According to his bio, he loves sports - GOTTA BE LDS
9 – He laughed a lot - HAS-TO-BE LDS
10 – He seemed to be very confident in front of a crowd – UNBELIEVABLY LDS

SCOUTING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS IN A SCOUT'S TWO-WEEK LONG BOYSCOUT CAMP SUITCASE

Top Ten Things in A Scout’s Two-week
Long Boy Scout Camp Suitcase
(By Bettyanne Bruin)


1- One pair of underwear
2- One sock
3- Pair of shorts with the biggest hole in them.
4- One whoopee cushion
5- Enough matches and gasoline and/or lighter fluid to set the world on fire. 6- 4 cans of refried beans
7- 100 firecrackers
8- One air gun
9- 10 lbs. of candy
10- 2 six packs of warm soda

MORE WARD BREAKING NEWS: MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING

MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH
WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

"That we had a DJ instead of a Ward chorister."
DPG from Sandy, UT

"That there were sleeper sofas in High Priests."
KRB also from Sandy, UT

WARD BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WAS IN THEIR WARD BUILDING

Top Ten Things LDS people wish was in their Ward building:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Vending Machines in the foyer
2 - Reclining chairs in the chapel with foot rests
3 - Big gulp holders
4 – All televisions equipped with picture on picture to update sports scores
5 – Confession booths with curtains
6 - An ATM machine
7 - Canned laughter
8 - Background music that kicks in like on the Oscars when a talk has gone too long.
9 - A nursery built like an air castle
10 - Chair racks with faster wheels

COZY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS TO TELL IF YOU'RE IN A LDS HOME

TOP TEN SIGNS
TO TELL IF YOU'RE
IN A LDS HOME
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Scriptures on the coffe table
2 - Proclamation to the Family hanging on the wall
3 - Large dining room table with lots of chairs
4 - Survival kits by the front door
5 - Fifteen passenger car parked in the driveway
6 - All the volumes of Work and the Glory on a bookshelf
7 - Something BYU displayed somewhere
8 - A cupboard filled with candy, cookies and soda
9 - Zuccinni growing in the backyard
10 - Some form of tree piece of artwork, showing the family's pedigree

SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ON A SUNDAY SCHOOL PRESIDENT'S SUNDAY TO-DO LIST

Top Ten Things on a
Sunday School President’s
Sunday To-Do List
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Get up late enough to not comb hair
2 – Pick suit, shirt and tie up off floor from last week
3 – Get dressed.
4 – Go to Sacrament Meeting.
5 – Go to Sunday School.
6 - Wander halls.
7 – Yell at teenagers.
8 – Pick litter up off floors in hallways.
9 – Ring buzzer.
10 – Go home.

BOO-HOO BREAKING NEWS: TOP THEN THINGS THAT MAKE MORMONS CRY

Top Ten Things That Make Mormons Cry:

1 - Baby Blessings
2 - Testimonies
3 – When BYU loses to the U. of U
4 - When their funeral potatoes are burned
5 - When a fast food restaurant is out of fry sauce
6 - When, the night before fast Sunday, their favorite all-you-can eat restaurant is closed
7 - When they just missed the biggest srapbooking sale ever! (Dedicated to Gennie -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GEN!!!)
8 – When they accidentally buy a Coke instead of a Pepsi (or a Pepsi instead of a Coke)
9 – When someone brings them a candy bar AND IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE !!!
10 – When they don’t get “their seat” in the chapel.

WARD CLERK BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN YES OR NO QUESTIONS ON THE APPLICATION TO BE A WARD CLERK!!!!

Top Ten Yes or No Questions
on the Application
to Become a Ward Clerk:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - First or middle name includes Ernest, Harold, Lester,
or Ralph? __________
2 - Number of toupees perched on Styrofoam heads
in closet? __________
3 - Number of leisure suits with white top-stitching? _______
4 - Number of briefcases for carrying lots of unimportant
papers? ________
5 - Capable of walking down an aisle while writing
on a very small piece of paper? _____
6 - Number of times dated in high school 1____ 2 ____
7 - Capable of staring off in the distance for at least
one hour and ten minutes with a stone face,
week after week, no matter what happens
at the pulpit? _______
8 - Dark circles under eyes? __________
9 – Willing to embarrass self by attempting to
read last names of new move-ins? ________
10 – Able to overlook any funny faced Deacon
or projectile coming at you from any funny-faced
Deacon sitting on the front two rows
before you? ________

Congratulations! You may qualify to be your ward’s next Ward Clerk!