Monday, October 29, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS COSTUME IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN

Monday, October 29, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS COSTUME IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN

TOP TEN LDS COSTUME IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN
by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - Sick nursery kid (don't forget the runny nose!)
2 - Scout after falling off the stage at a scouting activity
3 - Home Teacher (stays home instead of going Trick or Treating)
4 - Mother after saying goodbye to her missionary at the MTC
5 - Young woman after girl's camp (don't forget the campfire scent)
6 - Member of the church after stuffing himself the Saturday night before Fast Sunday
7 - A dead ancestor
8 - Mother with a Monday morning LDS hangover
9 - Father on the night of his 16-year-old daughter's first date
10 - Emergency preparedness specialist (don't forget the bird flu mask)

Monday, July 09, 2007

Breaking News: Top Ten Talks That Should Never Be Given

Breaking News: Top Ten Talk that Should Never be Given
by Bettyanne Bruin

I was once in a ward where a man gave a talk on empathizing with Satan. I don't recall there ever being a quieter chapel, as everyone sat there... stunned. His talk include such ideas as, poor, poor Satan, that it must have been so hard for him to fight against the plan, what it might have been that was really bothering him and how we should have empathy for ALL of our brothers and sisters, including Satan. This has prompted the following list:

Top Ten Other Talks that Should Never be Given in Church:

1 - Can Tobacco Be All Bad if it Has Medicinal Purposes?

2 - The Pros and cons of paying tithing

3 - Because I have enough faith, I will never need anti-anxiety medications

4 - I Lost 100 Pounds Drinking Coca Cola

5 - In lieu of testimony, playing an Oakrigdge Boys song (this actually happened in a ward I was in also)

6 - Expressing gratitude for extended life after suffering a brain aneurysm while have intimate relations with spouse (this was also true in the same ward) and he explained in detail how this happened. I covered the ears of the child next to me!

7 - After Reading all of Isaiah, I Believe I Know the actual day the Second Coming will Arrive

8 - I Never Do My Home Teaching and Yet I Still Feel Blessed

9 - Because I got my husband sent home from his mission, he got a great job he would have missed out on

10 - How Spending So Much on Food STorage made us lose our home.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: HJB IS BACK!!!

BREAKING NEWS: HJB IS BACK!!!
by Bettyanne Bruin

KKK. Oops. I should probably just say, K,K. I have been swamped, but I've had a blast. I've been working, fulfilling some media relations obligations with a few film companies:

Believe, a movie that is a spoof on multi-level marketing. This is NOT a MLM bashing movie, but a "Let's have a good laugh at ourselves," film. I think Loki Mulholland did a great job on this film and was a super guy to work with.

I'm also having fun working with Chris Heimerdinger on Passage to Zarahemla, another film that I think was done very well, has a great adventure and provides an interesting, entertaining story line about the Book of Mormon. Has a great super effects guy: Steve Sobisky, who worked on Shrek, ANTZ and other movies as a member of the DreamTeam. He is fantastic! And Bruce Wing, the props guy who collects incredible props, Shari Ohman who has done costuming for countless Church-produced films and other LDS and non-LDS films, the wonderfully talented Summer Naomi Smart, Alex Petrovitch, Brian Kary, the list goes on and on. Today, I spoke with Bryce Chamberlain, who played the father in Man's Search for Happiness and now plays the grandfather in Passage to Zarahemla. That was awesome!!! Who would have thought, when I was sixteen and so affected by that film that it changed my life (cheesy, but true) that today I would have the privilege of personally thanking him.

I'm also working with Kieth Merrill and Peter Rancie's new studio, AAMPS, otherwise known as Audience Alliance Motion Picture Studios. Wow, what an experience this has been as well. All I can say is, there is SO MUCH TALENT in the LDS community !!! I have truly felt in awe of these people. They are all incredible. Kieth is so awesome and such a gentleman and a gentle man. Peter is so great. I love his g'days (he's from Australia) and he's a real mover and a shaker and has a determined focus on using his time and energy to give back to the community what he believes the community is seeking: movies that are high quality and filled with moral integrity. Way to go, Peter!

I am also a correspondent for the Salt Lake Tribune's Close-up section, an online editor for Writer's Literary, a freelance writer for Utah Spirit magazine, a Mia Maid Advisor, a vacationeer, a lover of fun and variety, a David Letterman addict, and a collector of strange LDS happenings, sightings, stories, happenings, etc. because I LOVE our community; the uniqueness, the insanity, the charity, the ups and the downs, the famous, the not-so-famous, etc.

So, here goes:

Possibly the Only Top Ten Strange Things That Could Only Happen in Utah: (Unless YOU have some!!!)

1 - A bumper sticker on a car in Provo with a picture of the Salt Lake Temple on it and the words: I am always worthy.

2 - A woman on the local news who gave the local traffic report, then accidentally closed her on-air, live report, "In the name of...." (I think you can find this on YouTube.)

3 - A sacrament meeting where a man played, "Oh My Father," on his saw. (I think the Church came out with stricter guidelines the next week for Sacrament meeting musical contributions.)

4 - A man (many might know) who thought it would be a great attention getter to yell really loud as the introduction to his Sacrament Meeting talk and, in so doing, made a young girl seated in the middle of the chapel throw up. (And seeing everyone scramble to help clean up the mess, while the man, not knowing what happened, continued on with his talk.)

5 - Walking into the chapel for the Children's Sacrament Meeting and seeing two seven-year-old boys standing next to the pulpit choking each other and learning one of them was my son.

6 - In the Summer, the people standing in line for a snow cone at a snow cone booth is longer than the lines waiting to get a drink at a bar. (My non-LDS brother, from California, could not believe this!)

7 - The signs posted on homes throughout Utah that read, "Welcome Home Elder." (Or Sister)

8 - That the candy aisle fills a complete aisle and the beer covers a small corner, where in California, it is totally the opposite.

9 - One of my favorites: Seeing families picnicking on top of graves while children run around and play, and cars create traffic jams in all of the cemeteries on Memorial Day

10 - A school bus filled with children singing Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree during a school field trip (even the teachers were singing). This just happened last week.

Crazy.

Feel free to comment with your own sightings.

Monday, April 02, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIDE EFFECTS FROM WATCHING GENERAL CONFERENCE

BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN SIDE EFFECTS
FROM WATCHING GENERAL CONFERENCE:

By Bettyanne Bruin

1 -Weight gain from eating so many snacks and family meals.

2 - Sensitive eyes from spending so much time watching television.

3 - Paper cuts from too much scrapbooking while watching GC.

4 - Tired arms from playing too many hand held video games.

5 - Marital distress because women in the family spent
too much money at Deseret Book
while men were at priesthood meeting.

6 - Leftover aggravation from spending two whole days with family.

7 - Numb backsides from sitting for so long.

8 - Bruises from family dog pile.

9 - Aching legs from lack of walking around for two days straight.

10 - Guilt from already having broken commitment
to cut down on swearing and forgiving others more.

Friday, March 23, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN NEW LDS TAX WRITE-OFFS

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN
NEW LDS TAX WRITE-OFFS

by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - Weddings!
2 - Visual aids
3 - Handouts
4 - Food eaten while listening to/watching
General Conference
5 - Food eaten at restaurants in
conjunction with Fast Sunday
6 - BYU sports paraphernalia
7 - Baby shower gifts
8 - Scrapbooking supplies
9 - Mileage to and from all church
activities and meetings
10 - Expenses surrounding mission
farewells: food, new carpet, new
clothes, manicures

(I thought you might want to, finally, see a
photo of my husband and me!)

Friday, March 16, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS SAINTS

In honor of St. Patty's Day (our family's favorite holiday -- go corned beef!) :


TOP TEN SAINTS IN THE LDS CHURCH
by Bettyanne Bruin

1 - Saint Coke
2 - Saint Pepsi
3 - Saint Hershey
4 - Saint Creative Keepsakes
5 - Saint Refillable cups/Big Gulp
6 - Saint Hometown Buffet
7 - Saint Costco
8 - Saint Wendover
9 - Saint Funeral Potatoes
10 - Saint Fry Sauce

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: HI MIA MAIDS

Top Ten Things That Young Women Love to Talk About
1 - Boys
2 - Righteous Boys
3 - Righteous Handsome Boys
4 - Righteous Handsome Intelligent Boys
5 - Is there such a thing as Righteous Handsome Intelligent Boys
6 - Chivalrous boys
7 - Humble boys
8 - Is there such a thing as humble boys
9 - Where have all the good boys gone?
10 - Chocolate muffins

Monday, February 19, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WAYS TO PROMOTE GOOD SPORTMANSHIP AMONGST LDS BASKETBALL PLAYERS

TOP TEN WAYS TO PROMOTE
GOOD SPORTMANSHIP

AMONGST LDS BASKETBALL PLAYERS

by Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Have an opening prayer.

2 -
Post a religious picture.

3 -
Have a referee say, "Keep it clean."

4 -
Have opposing players shake hands.

5 -
Post a smiley face above basketball hoops.

6 -
Read the 13th Article of Faith.

7 -
Have a moment of silence
with emphasis on
visualizing good behavior.

8 - Spotlight players to
bring out positive attributes.

9 - Serve refreshments.

10 - Hire a cop to read
the statute on
assault and battery.

Monday, February 12, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS THAT CAN BE MADE FROM A SACRAMENT MEETING PROGRAM

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS
THAT CAN BE MADE
FROM
A SACRAMENT MEETING PROGRAM :

By Bettyanne Bruin


1
Paper airplane

2
Cootie catcher

3
Drinking cup

4
Paper football

5
Bird

6 Hat

7
Bracelet

8
Fan

9
Horn

10
Confetti

Monday, January 29, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS OF A LDS MONDAY MORNING HANGOVER

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS OF A
LDS MONDAY MORNING HANGOVER


by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - EYES:
Swollen from too much napping.


2 - BACK:
Painful from too much time spent
laying on the couch.

3 - NECK:
Stiff from awkward sleeping position
in Sacrament Meeting.

4 - ANKLES:
Swollen from sitting for three hours straight.

5 - STOMACH:
Queezy from too many layers of junk food.


6 - HEAD:
Aches from too many hours spent with
immediate and extended family.


7 - MOUTH:
Hurts from too much smiling.


8 - BRAIN:
Cramped out of restraint from
expressing true feelings.


9 - THROAT:
Sore from yelling at everyone to be quiet
so TV can be heard.

10 - EARS
Tired from having to listen
to so many people talk
about stuff that's actually
not all that interesting.


Wednesday, January 24, 2007

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN FAVORITE GENEAOLOGIST SAYINGS

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN FAVORITE
GENEALOGIST SAYINGS


by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Over all of your ancestor's dead bodies!


2 -
What the endless freakin'

research are you doing?

3 -
If your great, great, great, great

grandmother heard that, she'd...!

4 -
I'll bet your great, great, great, great

grandfather just rolled over in his grave!

5 -
That's about as believable as

somebody findin' the 1890 census!

6 -
Somebody ought to take that family chain and ...!

7 -
You think that's hard,
you should try finding your Great, Great Uncle Charlie
in the entire state of Tennessee.

8 -
That is more "out there" than
discovering your great grandfather was a medicine man!

9 -
Stop beatin' everything to death!


10 -
It's not like it's the end of the world!

Monday, January 22, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE EARLY TO THE LATE SCHEDULE

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN GOOD THINGS
ABOUT THE LATE SCHEDULE

by
Bettyanne Bruin


1 -
You get to sleep in.

2 -
You get to stay in your pajamas until 1 p.m.

3 -
Because Mormons tend to sin more as the Sabbath Day wears on,
there's less opportunity to sin.

4 -
You can go into a deeper sleep during Sacrament meeting.

5 -
You can go into a deeper a nap during Sunday School.

6 -
You can go into a deeper nap during the third hour.

7 -
It's warmer out in the winter.

8 -
You get to sit in an air conditioned building
during the summer.

9 -
The most boring part of the Sunday TV schedule
is during your church time.

10 -
You look more relaxed than the
early schedule people who are leaving the building.

Monday, January 15, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS NEW SCRAPBOOK PHRASEOLOGIES

TOP TEN LDS SCRAPBOOKER'S
NEW PHRASEOLOGIES
(Dedicated to the vieve)

by

Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Scrapbooker's new swear word:
What the scrapbook is going on here?


2 -
Fear of scrapbooking:
Scrapbookaphobia


3 -
Medical condition of raw fingers
from scrapbooking too long:
Scrapbookitus


4 -
Person who is addicted to scrapbooking:
Scrapbookaholic


5 -
Person who looks too long at
scrapbooking items on the internet:
Scrapbook porn


6 -
The official removal of scrapbooking from your life:
A scrapbookectomy


7 -
The incredible stress relief
found as a result of scrapbooking:
Scrapbook therapy


8 -
Really great scrapbooking:
Scrapbookelicious!


9 -
Disorder that comes as a result of
inability to scrapbook:
Post Traumatic Scrapbook Disorder


10 -
Place where all scrapbookers believe they will go
after this life is over:
Scrapbook Heaven

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS LICENSE PLATE FRAMES

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS LICENSE FRAMES:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF...
by Bettyanne Bruin

1:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHOCOLATE


2:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DIET COKE


3.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHILDREN


4:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE SCRIPTURES


5:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF PRAYER


6:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHOOSING THE RIGHT


7.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF MY ANCESTORS


8.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SCRAPBOOKING


9.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF TEN SCOUTS


10.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF
PREPARING MY SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
LDS PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY BROKEN:
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

1. Exercise daily.

2. Read scriptures daily.

3. Pray daily.

4. Eat less chocolate.

5. Cut down on soda.

6. Be nicer.

7. Be calmer.

8. Eat less food.

9. Watch less television.

10. Don't worry so much/have more faith.