Top Ten Most Popular LDS Coupons:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Coupon good for saying “No” to one church calling.
2 – Coupon good for one free upgrade in the Celestial kingdom.
3 – Coupon good for claiming one year of 100 percent visiting/home teaching on all of your assignments.
4 – Coupon good for one free trade-in on any mission call assignment.
5 – Coupon good for forgiveness on committing one sin of your choice.
6 – Coupon good for being able to pursue the activity of your choice on any Sunday you choose.
7 – Coupon good for being able to choose, free of guilt, one R-rated movie of your choice.
8 – Coupon good for being able to use someone else’s food storage, should an emergency arise.
9 – Coupon good for being able to find out the scoop on one person of your choice in your Ward.
10 – Coupon good for being able to eat on the Fast Sunday of your choice.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
TASTY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN UNOFFICIALLY APPROVED SACRAMENT MEETING TREATS
(HJB VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: This entry is inspired by attending Stake Conference on Sunday. Sat in the Cultural Hall, half way back, which means we got there just as the meeting started. As meeting wore on, the air conditioner did not kick in. The air became thick, became hard to breathe, maybe even suffocating; hot. In my despair, I glanced three rows in front of me just in time to witness what looked like a good LDS girl, sitting in her row with about ten other family members, pop open a can of soda! GEEZ! Some times life just isn’t fair! Have you ever seen any unusual things eaten in Stake Conference, or anything else crazy like that take place? Answer them in the comments section and I’ll post them, so we can all enjoy.
So, here’s to the girl who sat three rows in front of me:
Top Ten Unofficially Approved Sacrament Meeting Treats:
1 - Cheerios
2 - Fruit Loops
3 – Teddy Grahams
4 - Gum
5 – Tic Tacs
6 - Lifesavers
7 - Individually wrapped candies (Jolly Ranchers, Werther’s, taffy, bulk candy)
8 - Altoids
9 – Possibly a
10 – Possibly that little cheese and cracker tray with the red spreading stick, if used slowly and quietly.
Top Ten UNAPPROVED Sacrament Meeting treats:
1 – SODA!!!!
2 – Pop rocks
3 - Popcorn
4 – Peanuts
5 – Doughnuts
6 – Lunchables
7 – McGriddle breakfast tray
8 – Beef jerky (Kristin)
9 – Pizza
10 – Roast with mashed potatoes and gravy
Monday, April 24, 2006
AMERICAN IDOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS THAT PROVE ACE, FROM AMERICAN IDOL, IS MORMON!!!
Top Ten Things That Prove Ace,
from American Idol, is Mormon!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - His mother attends a Ward in Boulder, CO (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be LDS
2 - Another kid remembers him from his Primary class (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be very LDS
3 - His last name is Young - VERY LDS
4 - When he was voted off American Idol he said, “Gosh!” - EXTREMELY LDS
5 - His first name is Brett - DEFINITELY LDS
6 – His middle name is Asa, after his LDS grandfather – ABSOLUTELY LDS
7 – According to his bio, he has four brothers - POSSITIVELY LDS
8 – According to his bio, he loves sports - GOTTA BE LDS
9 – He laughed a lot - HAS-TO-BE LDS
10 – He seemed to be very confident in front of a crowd – UNBELIEVABLY LDS
from American Idol, is Mormon!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - His mother attends a Ward in Boulder, CO (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be LDS
2 - Another kid remembers him from his Primary class (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be very LDS
3 - His last name is Young - VERY LDS
4 - When he was voted off American Idol he said, “Gosh!” - EXTREMELY LDS
5 - His first name is Brett - DEFINITELY LDS
6 – His middle name is Asa, after his LDS grandfather – ABSOLUTELY LDS
7 – According to his bio, he has four brothers - POSSITIVELY LDS
8 – According to his bio, he loves sports - GOTTA BE LDS
9 – He laughed a lot - HAS-TO-BE LDS
10 – He seemed to be very confident in front of a crowd – UNBELIEVABLY LDS
Friday, April 21, 2006
SCOUTING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS IN A SCOUT'S TWO-WEEK LONG BOYSCOUT CAMP SUITCASE
Top Ten Things in A Scout’s Two-week
Long Boy Scout Camp Suitcase
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1- One pair of underwear
2- One sock
3- Pair of shorts with the biggest hole in them.
4- One whoopee cushion
5- Enough matches and gasoline and/or lighter fluid to set the world on fire. 6- 4 cans of refried beans
7- 100 firecrackers
8- One air gun
9- 10 lbs. of candy
10- 2 six packs of warm soda
Long Boy Scout Camp Suitcase
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1- One pair of underwear
2- One sock
3- Pair of shorts with the biggest hole in them.
4- One whoopee cushion
5- Enough matches and gasoline and/or lighter fluid to set the world on fire. 6- 4 cans of refried beans
7- 100 firecrackers
8- One air gun
9- 10 lbs. of candy
10- 2 six packs of warm soda
MORE WARD BREAKING NEWS: MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING
MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH
WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"That we had a DJ instead of a Ward chorister."
DPG from Sandy, UT
"That there were sleeper sofas in High Priests."
KRB also from Sandy, UT
WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
"That we had a DJ instead of a Ward chorister."
DPG from Sandy, UT
"That there were sleeper sofas in High Priests."
KRB also from Sandy, UT
Thursday, April 20, 2006
WARD BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WAS IN THEIR WARD BUILDING
Top Ten Things LDS people wish was in their Ward building:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Vending Machines in the foyer
2 - Reclining chairs in the chapel with foot rests
3 - Big gulp holders
4 – All televisions equipped with picture on picture to update sports scores
5 – Confession booths with curtains
6 - An ATM machine
7 - Canned laughter
8 - Background music that kicks in like on the Oscars when a talk has gone too long.
9 - A nursery built like an air castle
10 - Chair racks with faster wheels
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Vending Machines in the foyer
2 - Reclining chairs in the chapel with foot rests
3 - Big gulp holders
4 – All televisions equipped with picture on picture to update sports scores
5 – Confession booths with curtains
6 - An ATM machine
7 - Canned laughter
8 - Background music that kicks in like on the Oscars when a talk has gone too long.
9 - A nursery built like an air castle
10 - Chair racks with faster wheels
Friday, April 14, 2006
COZY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS TO TELL IF YOU'RE IN A LDS HOME
TOP TEN SIGNS
TO TELL IF YOU'RE
IN A LDS HOME
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Scriptures on the coffe table
2 - Proclamation to the Family hanging on the wall
3 - Large dining room table with lots of chairs
4 - Survival kits by the front door
5 - Fifteen passenger car parked in the driveway
6 - All the volumes of Work and the Glory on a bookshelf
7 - Something BYU displayed somewhere
8 - A cupboard filled with candy, cookies and soda
9 - Zuccinni growing in the backyard
10 - Some form of tree piece of artwork, showing the family's pedigree
TO TELL IF YOU'RE
IN A LDS HOME
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Scriptures on the coffe table
2 - Proclamation to the Family hanging on the wall
3 - Large dining room table with lots of chairs
4 - Survival kits by the front door
5 - Fifteen passenger car parked in the driveway
6 - All the volumes of Work and the Glory on a bookshelf
7 - Something BYU displayed somewhere
8 - A cupboard filled with candy, cookies and soda
9 - Zuccinni growing in the backyard
10 - Some form of tree piece of artwork, showing the family's pedigree
Monday, April 10, 2006
SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ON A SUNDAY SCHOOL PRESIDENT'S SUNDAY TO-DO LIST
Top Ten Things on a
Sunday School President’s
Sunday To-Do List
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Get up late enough to not comb hair
2 – Pick suit, shirt and tie up off floor from last week
3 – Get dressed.
4 – Go to Sacrament Meeting.
5 – Go to Sunday School.
6 - Wander halls.
7 – Yell at teenagers.
8 – Pick litter up off floors in hallways.
9 – Ring buzzer.
10 – Go home.
Sunday School President’s
Sunday To-Do List
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Get up late enough to not comb hair
2 – Pick suit, shirt and tie up off floor from last week
3 – Get dressed.
4 – Go to Sacrament Meeting.
5 – Go to Sunday School.
6 - Wander halls.
7 – Yell at teenagers.
8 – Pick litter up off floors in hallways.
9 – Ring buzzer.
10 – Go home.
BOO-HOO BREAKING NEWS: TOP THEN THINGS THAT MAKE MORMONS CRY
Top Ten Things That Make Mormons Cry:
1 - Baby Blessings
2 - Testimonies
3 – When BYU loses to the U. of U
4 - When their funeral potatoes are burned
5 - When a fast food restaurant is out of fry sauce
6 - When, the night before fast Sunday, their favorite all-you-can eat restaurant is closed
7 - When they just missed the biggest srapbooking sale ever! (Dedicated to Gennie -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GEN!!!)
8 – When they accidentally buy a Coke instead of a Pepsi (or a Pepsi instead of a Coke)
9 – When someone brings them a candy bar AND IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE !!!
10 – When they don’t get “their seat” in the chapel.
1 - Baby Blessings
2 - Testimonies
3 – When BYU loses to the U. of U
4 - When their funeral potatoes are burned
5 - When a fast food restaurant is out of fry sauce
6 - When, the night before fast Sunday, their favorite all-you-can eat restaurant is closed
7 - When they just missed the biggest srapbooking sale ever! (Dedicated to Gennie -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GEN!!!)
8 – When they accidentally buy a Coke instead of a Pepsi (or a Pepsi instead of a Coke)
9 – When someone brings them a candy bar AND IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE !!!
10 – When they don’t get “their seat” in the chapel.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
WARD CLERK BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN YES OR NO QUESTIONS ON THE APPLICATION TO BE A WARD CLERK!!!!
Top Ten Yes or No Questions
on the Application
to Become a Ward Clerk:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - First or middle name includes Ernest, Harold, Lester,
or Ralph? __________
2 - Number of toupees perched on Styrofoam heads
in closet? __________
3 - Number of leisure suits with white top-stitching? _______
4 - Number of briefcases for carrying lots of unimportant
papers? ________
5 - Capable of walking down an aisle while writing
on a very small piece of paper? _____
6 - Number of times dated in high school 1____ 2 ____
7 - Capable of staring off in the distance for at least
one hour and ten minutes with a stone face,
week after week, no matter what happens
at the pulpit? _______
8 - Dark circles under eyes? __________
9 – Willing to embarrass self by attempting to
read last names of new move-ins? ________
10 – Able to overlook any funny faced Deacon
or projectile coming at you from any funny-faced
Deacon sitting on the front two rows
before you? ________
Congratulations! You may qualify to be your ward’s next Ward Clerk!
on the Application
to Become a Ward Clerk:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - First or middle name includes Ernest, Harold, Lester,
or Ralph? __________
2 - Number of toupees perched on Styrofoam heads
in closet? __________
3 - Number of leisure suits with white top-stitching? _______
4 - Number of briefcases for carrying lots of unimportant
papers? ________
5 - Capable of walking down an aisle while writing
on a very small piece of paper? _____
6 - Number of times dated in high school 1____ 2 ____
7 - Capable of staring off in the distance for at least
one hour and ten minutes with a stone face,
week after week, no matter what happens
at the pulpit? _______
8 - Dark circles under eyes? __________
9 – Willing to embarrass self by attempting to
read last names of new move-ins? ________
10 – Able to overlook any funny faced Deacon
or projectile coming at you from any funny-faced
Deacon sitting on the front two rows
before you? ________
Congratulations! You may qualify to be your ward’s next Ward Clerk!
Friday, March 31, 2006
HAPPYJELLYBEAN BREAKING NEWS
Okay, okay. I repent. My intention is not to insult. And, whereas I received a concerned e-mail regarding the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I would like to say, all of my blogs are meant to poke a little fun. If that one went into a bit of a stab, a happyjellybean apology is in order. What happened was, while watching conference, hbj is always mindful of all the games played. And, to poke fun that sometimes the joke is made that the Mormon Tabernacle members all look alike, or who are they, or what, I thought I would make a game, only in fun, but, like hjb always says, If a joke is only funny to one person, then that joke is just not funny. So, let's get back on track and go for a kinder poke:
Could I do this?
TOP TEN SONGS THAT SHOUD BE SUNG TO THE PROTESTERS WHO TAKE TIME FROM THEIR BUSY DAY TO VISIT LDS MEMBERS ON CONFERENCE WEEKEND:
1- If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands
2 - If You Chance To Meet a Frown, Do Not Let it Stay
3 - Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, We're Glad You Came Our Way
4 - Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other
5 - Time Flies On Wings of Lightening, Don't Let it Pass You By
6 - The World Has Need Of Willing Men
7 - Because I Have Been Given Much, I, Too, Should Give
8 - There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today
Or, another attempt at light humor:
Top Ten Things Heard Around the House on Conference Weekend:
1 - "Pass the popcorn."
2 - "Dad, quit snoring!"
3 - "Change it back!"
4 - "Get up, conference has started!"
5 - "Did they just put (name of close friend) in as a General Authority?"
6 - "Wow, I didn't know we had that many members in the church."
7 - "When I was a kid, there were only 10,000 missionaries in the mission field."
8 - "When I joined the church, there were only 12 temples!"
9 - "Dad, quit snoring."
10 - "Mom, tell ____ to quit hitting me."
Could I do this?
TOP TEN SONGS THAT SHOUD BE SUNG TO THE PROTESTERS WHO TAKE TIME FROM THEIR BUSY DAY TO VISIT LDS MEMBERS ON CONFERENCE WEEKEND:
1- If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands
2 - If You Chance To Meet a Frown, Do Not Let it Stay
3 - Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, We're Glad You Came Our Way
4 - Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other
5 - Time Flies On Wings of Lightening, Don't Let it Pass You By
6 - The World Has Need Of Willing Men
7 - Because I Have Been Given Much, I, Too, Should Give
8 - There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today
Or, another attempt at light humor:
Top Ten Things Heard Around the House on Conference Weekend:
1 - "Pass the popcorn."
2 - "Dad, quit snoring!"
3 - "Change it back!"
4 - "Get up, conference has started!"
5 - "Did they just put (name of close friend) in as a General Authority?"
6 - "Wow, I didn't know we had that many members in the church."
7 - "When I was a kid, there were only 10,000 missionaries in the mission field."
8 - "When I joined the church, there were only 12 temples!"
9 - "Dad, quit snoring."
10 - "Mom, tell ____ to quit hitting me."
Thursday, March 30, 2006
CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN "CAN YOU FIND A MEMBER OF THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR WHO LOOKS LIKE..." CONFERENCE GAME
Top Ten "Can You Find a Member
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Who Looks Like..." Conference Game
by
Bettyanne Bruin
Can you find a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Who Looks Like:
1- He or she has been in at least one Ward basketball fight?
2 – He or she sleeps during all of his or her Sacrament meeting?
3 – He or she has never done any genealogy?
4 – He or she does not believe in having a food storage?
5 – He or she plays the penny slot machines while traveling through a gambling zone?
6 – He or she believes the end of the world is coming any day?
7 – He or she has had a face lift?
8 – He or she has yelled at his or her neighbor’s dog?
9 – He or she is addicted to Jolt.
10 – He or she goes home during Sunday School.
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Who Looks Like..." Conference Game
by
Bettyanne Bruin
Can you find a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Who Looks Like:
1- He or she has been in at least one Ward basketball fight?
2 – He or she sleeps during all of his or her Sacrament meeting?
3 – He or she has never done any genealogy?
4 – He or she does not believe in having a food storage?
5 – He or she plays the penny slot machines while traveling through a gambling zone?
6 – He or she believes the end of the world is coming any day?
7 – He or she has had a face lift?
8 – He or she has yelled at his or her neighbor’s dog?
9 – He or she is addicted to Jolt.
10 – He or she goes home during Sunday School.
Monday, March 27, 2006
MISSIONARY BREAKING NEW: TOP TEN PHONE MESSAGES LEFT ON A LDS MISSIONARY'S MESSAGE MACHINE
Top Ten Phone Messages Left on a LDS Missionary’s Message Machine
by Bettyanne Bruin
1 – This is Dr. Thomas’ office. The results of the rabies test, on that dog that bit you, came back negative.
2 – Hello, Elders. This is Sister Wells. I just wanted to thank you, so much, for coming over today to help bury my dog for me. I'm sure Fido was very appreciative too.
3 – Hey, punks, you ever do that again -- go around knocking at my door trying to preach all of yer nonsense, and I’ll get my buddies and we’ll do more than just come knockin’ at your door!
4 – Hello, Elder. You don’t know me, but I’m a close friend of your girlfriend and she asked me to call you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by lying, so she wanted to be honest with you – she just got married.
5 – Hello, Elders. One of your journals was left at my house and I just wanted to let you know that you can stop by to get it any time you want. Also I, too, hope you get over soon the two biggest problems you expressed in your journal that you’re dealing with right now -- your fear of the dark and that disgusting toe-nail biting habit.
6 - Hello, this is a preacher from one of the local churches wanting advice on how to get more members.
7 – This is the Post Office wanting to let you know that there is NOT, I repeat NOT, a package for you today, so please do not call us again. We will call you!
8 – This is footblisters.com letting you know your case of foot cream is in the mail.
9 – Hello Elders. Just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel our dinner appointment with you, tonight, but we did leave a few packages of Top Ramen on your door to make up for it, so, have a good dinner and talk to you soon.
10 – This is the Mission Home letting you know that your activity to enter the city drag race with church advertising on your car was not approved.
by Bettyanne Bruin
1 – This is Dr. Thomas’ office. The results of the rabies test, on that dog that bit you, came back negative.
2 – Hello, Elders. This is Sister Wells. I just wanted to thank you, so much, for coming over today to help bury my dog for me. I'm sure Fido was very appreciative too.
3 – Hey, punks, you ever do that again -- go around knocking at my door trying to preach all of yer nonsense, and I’ll get my buddies and we’ll do more than just come knockin’ at your door!
4 – Hello, Elder. You don’t know me, but I’m a close friend of your girlfriend and she asked me to call you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by lying, so she wanted to be honest with you – she just got married.
5 – Hello, Elders. One of your journals was left at my house and I just wanted to let you know that you can stop by to get it any time you want. Also I, too, hope you get over soon the two biggest problems you expressed in your journal that you’re dealing with right now -- your fear of the dark and that disgusting toe-nail biting habit.
6 - Hello, this is a preacher from one of the local churches wanting advice on how to get more members.
7 – This is the Post Office wanting to let you know that there is NOT, I repeat NOT, a package for you today, so please do not call us again. We will call you!
8 – This is footblisters.com letting you know your case of foot cream is in the mail.
9 – Hello Elders. Just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel our dinner appointment with you, tonight, but we did leave a few packages of Top Ramen on your door to make up for it, so, have a good dinner and talk to you soon.
10 – This is the Mission Home letting you know that your activity to enter the city drag race with church advertising on your car was not approved.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Argumentative Breaking News: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE LOVE TO ARGUE ABOUT!!!!
Top Ten Things LDS People Love to Argue About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Other religions.
2 – BYU vs. U of U
3 – The definition of a caffeinated product.
4 – Any foul called in a basketball game.
5 – Who’s going to say the opening prayer in Family Home Evening.
6 – Donner pass.
7 – R-rated movies: Good or bad?
8 – Television viewing habits.
9 – Polygamy
10 – Is crap a swear word?
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Other religions.
2 – BYU vs. U of U
3 – The definition of a caffeinated product.
4 – Any foul called in a basketball game.
5 – Who’s going to say the opening prayer in Family Home Evening.
6 – Donner pass.
7 – R-rated movies: Good or bad?
8 – Television viewing habits.
9 – Polygamy
10 – Is crap a swear word?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
SCRAPBOOKING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO SCRAPBOOK ABOUT:
Top Ten Things LDS People
Will NEVER Want to Scrapbook About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Will NEVER Want to Scrapbook About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Dedicated to Genevieve Gillette
1. The many Family Home Evenings where everyone fights over job chores.
2. The first time you put your toddler in the nursery and ditched him or her.
3. Locating your scout after he's spent an entire night in the mountains alone.
4. The fight with the Scout master who lost track of him.
5. The time, while on your mission, the non-member announced he or she was canceling his or her baptism date.
6. The meeting with the Bishop where he calls you into the scouting program.
7. Initiating road rage on your way to church.
8. Eating at an all-you-can eat buffet the night before fast Sunday.
9. The Ward basketball game fight that was started by a member of your family.
10. You drooling, while asleep, in Sacrament meeting.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Simply Breaking News: Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways (yeah, right) a LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life
Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways
(Yeah, right)
A LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life:
(ByBettyanne Bruin)
1 – Catch up on sleep during church meetings. (Oops, already done.)
2 - Save genealogy work for when you get old and have nothing better to do. (Oops, already done.)
3 – Say one, long prayer while in bed, rather than three times a day. (Oops, already done.)
4 – Hire out service projects. (Actually has been done.)
5 – Buy your sodas in gallon-sized drink containers. (Is done all of the time.)
6 – Keep forgetting that you have neighbors. (What neighbors?)
7 – Call your home/visiting teaching families for visits on the phone. (Oops, has been done for years.)
8 – Show videos to your Sunday School class. (Oops, currently the biggest fad in the LDS church.)
9 – Hold FHM, Family Home Moment while eating dinner. (Done all the time.)
10 –
(Yeah, right)
A LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life:
(ByBettyanne Bruin)
1 – Catch up on sleep during church meetings. (Oops, already done.)
2 - Save genealogy work for when you get old and have nothing better to do. (Oops, already done.)
3 – Say one, long prayer while in bed, rather than three times a day. (Oops, already done.)
4 – Hire out service projects. (Actually has been done.)
5 – Buy your sodas in gallon-sized drink containers. (Is done all of the time.)
6 – Keep forgetting that you have neighbors. (What neighbors?)
7 – Call your home/visiting teaching families for visits on the phone. (Oops, has been done for years.)
8 – Show videos to your Sunday School class. (Oops, currently the biggest fad in the LDS church.)
9 – Hold FHM, Family Home Moment while eating dinner. (Done all the time.)
10 –
Friday, March 10, 2006
Top Ten LDS Swear Words
and Their Moment of Usage:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Frickin’: “I didn’t frickin’ foul that guy! He was the one who was all over me!”
2 – Dang: “And then this dang car comes right up and pretty near rear ends me!”
3 – Darn: “That darn food storage is piling up all over out there in that darn garage!”
4 – Fetch: “Fetch, that hurt! Geez, what'd you do that for?”
5 – Geez: Refer to the above.
6 – Sheesh: “Sheesh, what’s it gonna take to get you to get the message? I'm not going to marry you!”
7 – Bleeoch: “That girl is one heckofa bleeoch, and I don't care if she is my next door neighbor!”
8 - H-E-double hockey sticks: “If you aren’t obedient, you know where you’re going to go? You are goin' right to h-e-double hockey sticks!”
9 – Heck-if-I: “Heck-if-I know where your scriptures are. You’re the one who lost them!”
10 – Lousey, good for nothin’: “That kids is a good-for-nothin- piece of crap.” (Shhh… LDS people do not think crap is not a swear word.)
and Their Moment of Usage:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Frickin’: “I didn’t frickin’ foul that guy! He was the one who was all over me!”
2 – Dang: “And then this dang car comes right up and pretty near rear ends me!”
3 – Darn: “That darn food storage is piling up all over out there in that darn garage!”
4 – Fetch: “Fetch, that hurt! Geez, what'd you do that for?”
5 – Geez: Refer to the above.
6 – Sheesh: “Sheesh, what’s it gonna take to get you to get the message? I'm not going to marry you!”
7 – Bleeoch: “That girl is one heckofa bleeoch, and I don't care if she is my next door neighbor!”
8 - H-E-double hockey sticks: “If you aren’t obedient, you know where you’re going to go? You are goin' right to h-e-double hockey sticks!”
9 – Heck-if-I: “Heck-if-I know where your scriptures are. You’re the one who lost them!”
10 – Lousey, good for nothin’: “That kids is a good-for-nothin- piece of crap.” (Shhh… LDS people do not think crap is not a swear word.)
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Top Ten Signs
You Cannot Call Yourself
a Regular Scripture Reader:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is listen to the scriptures on tape while doing other things, like watching television or sleeping.
2 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is when you glance over at your neighbor’s scriptures each week in Sunday School class.
3 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is reading the scriptures found on the marquis’s of other churches.
4 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read are those found on car bumper stickers.
5. You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read is the John 3:16 sign that’s held up at all national sporting events.
6 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if your only claim to being a regular scripture reader is the fact that you’ve memorized the scripture, “Jesus wept.”
7 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you have no idea where your scriptures are.
8 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you’ve set a goal to read the scriptures and almost read them once.
9 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is to look at them, once a day, sitting on your bookshelf.
10 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you think about reading them every day, but never do.
You Cannot Call Yourself
a Regular Scripture Reader:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is listen to the scriptures on tape while doing other things, like watching television or sleeping.
2 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is when you glance over at your neighbor’s scriptures each week in Sunday School class.
3 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is reading the scriptures found on the marquis’s of other churches.
4 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read are those found on car bumper stickers.
5. You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read is the John 3:16 sign that’s held up at all national sporting events.
6 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if your only claim to being a regular scripture reader is the fact that you’ve memorized the scripture, “Jesus wept.”
7 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you have no idea where your scriptures are.
8 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you’ve set a goal to read the scriptures and almost read them once.
9 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is to look at them, once a day, sitting on your bookshelf.
10 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you think about reading them every day, but never do.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Lent Breaking News: Top Ten Things LDS People Should Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot
Top Ten Things LDS People Should
Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Watching television on Sunday.
2 – All chocolate and/or caffeine products. For that matter, all sugar products.
3 – Not answering the phone when a Bishopric member calls during a time when an undesirable calling is available.
4 – Avoiding the Ward Genealogy Specialist.
5 – Avoiding walking anywhere near a Primary room.
6 – Going overtime on a talk or lesson.
7 – Cheating on Fast Sunday.
8 – Shopping on Sunday.
9 – Funeral Potatoes.
10 – Preparing their lesson while teaching their lesson.
FAT TUESDAY BREAKING NEWS: LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)
LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Flat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all women in the LDS church wear their hair flat with no hairspray, then gather at their Ward building and spend hours trying to figure out who each other is.
2 - Brat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all irreverent LDS children get whatever they want, also known in the LDS church as Sharing Time.
3 - Hat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally convince all toupee-adorned LDS men to take off their toupee and wear a hat, while LDS members do whatever it takes to destroy the toupee, only to find out the next Sunday that their efforts were fruitless.
4 - Pat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally celebrate (instead feeling guilty like every other day of the year) that maybe they really do have everything down pat, from doing their genealogy to food storage to understanding the Book of Isaiah. This is usually one of the happiest days of the year for LDS people, except for LDS martyrs.
5 - Mat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people celebrate the importance of making sure a mat or any other type of decorated material is carefully placed under a flower-filled vase on a classroom table for any Sunday lesson.
6 - Rat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people get to rat about what’s really bothering them, from political issues to poorly prepared food – usually this celebration spills out into every day of the year.
7 - Cat Tuesday: The day before Lent where a LDS person can choose to believe he or she really is a cool cat. Warning: This day usually runs out quick because, before too long, the LDS person is back to eating stuff like green Jell-o, fry sauce and funeral potatoes, wearing big hair, clothes that fit too tight, listening to the oldies station and once again realizes that he or she really is a big geek.
8 – Sat. Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people completely saturate themselves with any and all caffeine products.
9 - Bat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people go to bat for the church by arguing with anyone who comes their way -- usually happens wherever LDS pageants are performed.
10 – Chat Tuesday: The day before Lent where people in the LDS church gather at the Ward building to spend all day chatting as if it was Sunday.
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 - Flat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all women in the LDS church wear their hair flat with no hairspray, then gather at their Ward building and spend hours trying to figure out who each other is.
2 - Brat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all irreverent LDS children get whatever they want, also known in the LDS church as Sharing Time.
3 - Hat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally convince all toupee-adorned LDS men to take off their toupee and wear a hat, while LDS members do whatever it takes to destroy the toupee, only to find out the next Sunday that their efforts were fruitless.
4 - Pat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally celebrate (instead feeling guilty like every other day of the year) that maybe they really do have everything down pat, from doing their genealogy to food storage to understanding the Book of Isaiah. This is usually one of the happiest days of the year for LDS people, except for LDS martyrs.
5 - Mat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people celebrate the importance of making sure a mat or any other type of decorated material is carefully placed under a flower-filled vase on a classroom table for any Sunday lesson.
6 - Rat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people get to rat about what’s really bothering them, from political issues to poorly prepared food – usually this celebration spills out into every day of the year.
7 - Cat Tuesday: The day before Lent where a LDS person can choose to believe he or she really is a cool cat. Warning: This day usually runs out quick because, before too long, the LDS person is back to eating stuff like green Jell-o, fry sauce and funeral potatoes, wearing big hair, clothes that fit too tight, listening to the oldies station and once again realizes that he or she really is a big geek.
8 – Sat. Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people completely saturate themselves with any and all caffeine products.
9 - Bat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people go to bat for the church by arguing with anyone who comes their way -- usually happens wherever LDS pageants are performed.
10 – Chat Tuesday: The day before Lent where people in the LDS church gather at the Ward building to spend all day chatting as if it was Sunday.
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